You know...it's for your own good

Last night at approximately 3:23 am, I was awakened by a distinct intermittent "beeping" in the Executive Living quarters here at FTI.  At first, I thought I was dreaming, though once awaken, I distinctly heard it about every 30 seconds.  My initial reaction that it was one of the various bed wetting alarms that were set for some of our affiliates in the adjacent Think-tank dormitory, but then realized this couldn't be the case as the sound was emanating from a nearer source.   Realizing I wasn't going to be able to ignore it and fall back asleep, I got up and found the source to be a smoke detector signaling that the back-up battery was losing power.  This particular model  is designed to "chirp" to inform the owner to replace the battery on a periodic basis. 

My issue with the whole design of this device is how something  retailing at $14.95 can consistently run out of backup battery power and emit it's warning sounds ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING!  Does it happen at 6 pm when you arrive home from work and have a chance to go get another battery?  No.   Does it happen at 10 am on Saturday morning when you have the ladder out anyway and doing other fix-it projects?  No.  It happens in the middle of the night. Every time.  I don't know.  I'm getting tired with the issues around this place. 

(EDITOR'S  NOTE:  I am finishing this posting on behalf of our Executive Director as he was so frustrated with this subject, he contacted the FTI Medical Staff and requested an extra dispensation of our own FTI sedative.  Normally, he only takes one per day in order to remain lucid while dealing with the staff and his initial request was rejected due to safety reasons.  Upon further analysis by the FTI medical staff and   in conjunction with this incident, it was decided it would be better to risk a possible over-dispensation and retain his services than to have him resign his post.  Prior to his accepting this position, we had a vacancy for 5 years.  You think this stuff is odd? You  should have seen some of our results then. )

Jukebox: Let's ease on into the weekend

Gee, I guess I am just a lucky person

Hold it!  This is too good to be true!  Not once but twice, TWICE, in a lifetime does anyone ever get these types of opportunities. You see another chance has presented itself that is far too superior to pass up.

Last week, we posted about an opportunity from a banking official in Africa offering us nearly $4 Million US dollars merely by helping them transfer some hidden money out of an African bank account.  Apparently, our honesty, sterling reputation, and superior, deep seated thinking skills here at the Institute are becoming to be well regarded in Africa as we have now been offered an additional opportunity in the connection of the death of another wealthy person who has hidden dollars deposited there.  This time, though, we have an opportunity to share in over 9 Million US DOLLARS! Woo-hoo!

We obviously spotted the earlier solicitation as a fake  as there was no proof of this person's existence or record of his money.  But this one is different.  The lawyer sent me this link proving the existence and subsequent death of this rich American businessman!  Submitted to our staff during our weekly think-tank sessions, their summary consensus was simple:  "If it exists on the internet, it must be true."   The fact that this person was not married and had no children or remaining known family is insignificant.  It's just more money for us. 

We currently are working on the FTI pre-Christmas gift list.  There are going to be some surprised affiliates in regard to the lavishness of their gifts this year.  Lets' see:  a new washer and dryer combo set for Dicky the Peap, a new bicycle for Gummo the Balloon Boy, Freako Deako can get another round of shock therapy; our generosity knows no limits.  I always knew our efforts would become known all over the world.  I never dreamed people would pay us for it, though. 

Why don't you just nail it shut?

I am currently  here at the FTI Compound awaiting a maintenance contractor to take a look at one of the doors.  Our own maintenance team couldn't figure out what was wrong, so, we had to call the manufacturer and schedule an appointment. 

In a nut shell, once the door is closed, the latch  has a tendency to engage itself and will not release resulting in being locked INSIDE our executive wing.  (There is an upside to this dilemma as it does insulate us from the rest of the staff we are in charge of overseeing.)  Anyway, our guys solution was to wad up some cardboard, stick it in the latch, thereby making the latch inoperable while still allowing the door to open, and pronounce it fixed.   The keen eyed followers of this blog will notice that this type of thinking is consistent and equal to that of the rest of our contributing staff and related affiliates.  As Executive Director, however, I have a responsibility to the safety and well being of the general public to insure that the door is properly functioning so I can go out and close the main compound gate at night to  prevent any of these same near-award winning thinkers to wander off and scare the population at large.  In reflection, a better solution may be to expand our executive wing, shepherd all of the normal people into it, and keep the door inoperable.   

Gummo? Hell, the guy can't float on water, let alone in the air

The recent uproar over the past few days over the "balloon boy" hoax in Colorado has created some confusion for various people. Some of our readers have inquired into the health and pending punishment to be meted out to our affiliate, Gummo the Balloon Boy. Let me attempt to clarify this issue.

The 6 year old boy in this story is not to be confused with our own Gummo. During the time the Colorado incident was occurring, Gummo was sick in bed suffering to the affects due to a severe latex allergy. Gummo has been repeatedly warned of staying away from the Institute's weather observation equipment (our own slightly rusted, often inaccurate, FTI outdoor Thermometer) and had nothing to do with  this particular incident.

Interestingly enough, we did receive an application earlier from the boy's father to join us as an affiliate member. Over the weekend, our search committee reviewed his application, studied his past accomplishments, and evaluated his role in the recent incident. Based on the ensuing media circus and questionable intent of his actions, they have recommended that he not be offered a fellowship with our group.  The concensus was that this individual's high cognitive ability to execute this hoax was far superior to anything our group could concoct and, as a result, would demoralize the rest of our staff.  Translation:  He's smarter than our guys.

It's green Sunday!

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Jukebox: Welcome back from Retirement

Well, it was Brown and it has my driver's license in it

Unfortunately, other than the criminal tendencies, this guy shares the thinking capabilities of the majority of our staff.

Do I get a 10 minute break as well?

I note that the minimum wage is actually going down in the state of Colorado and could do so  as well in 10 other states.  This could be especially harmful to the results of this blog as we could potentially be affected by this.   Our cheap-ass Board of Directors are constantly looking for ways to minimize costs and what better way than to pare the compensation of the contributing thinkers?  All of our staff and thinkers work at this wage level to start with.

On further reflection and review of the past 90 days efforts, however,  I have come to realize this could be a good thing.  The content to date has been fairly estimated to be that of efforts worth $1.00 hour.  Or, to put it into perspective, equal to the compensation most babysitters earned in the 1970s.  I  see many similarities between  that babysitter's duties and my position. 

Sometimes we have to chew out our own

I just got off of the phone with one of our affiliates,  The Green Comic.  He is normally always upbeat, cheerful, and basically a positive person.   Today, however, he was a little grumpy and his affiliate status here at FTI is in great jeopardy.

In a matter of a 6 minutes and 26 second phone call, he was able to singlehandedly slight black people, handicapped people, and was threatening to target small children next.   I pointed out to him that he had no business slighting anyone as not only does he re-use other people's jokes and material, (hence his name,) but also  he himself was an avowed idiot whom is subject to immediate dismissal at any time.  The mere activity of pondering the loss of his prestigious position with our higher level thinkers here immediately transformed his attitude and I am happy to report he has reverted to his imbecilic ways.  Welcome back.

A public confession and private question

Freako Deako and his wife came over for dinner last night.  Mrs. Deako is a wonderful lady; normal, sane, and level-headed.  Her only weakness is that somehow, she is attracted to Freako.  Regardless, though this one character flaw is epic in proportion, it does not change Mrs. Kfred's and my perception of her being a terrific person.  Freako, on the other hand, is just well, a Freak.  His inclusion as one of the affiliates here at the Institute is nothing we trumpet publicly, but, rather admit begrudgingly only when legal depositions are being conducted.

I point this out only for accuracy sake and to also take an offensive position in a public forum  should there be any question that we have stacked our staff with intellectuals that have no equal.  I have no doubt that there are any equals to this band of weirdos, wackos, and misfits.  I just am troubled why I have to be the one whom is forced to interact with them.  What have I done wrong?      

Just doin' our part for the environment

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Security? Who would want to waste their efforts on us?

As author of this blog and chief administrator at this rinky dinky Institute, I sometimes have to face some criticism and accept comments in reference to the postings made here. Granted, most of it is meaningless as it is usually mindless drivel from our own staff.  The fact that they are associates in the first place confirm this position.  Sometimes, however, automated spam can be generated and posted here that has nothing to do with the subject topic.  Again, this same statement can be made of the writings of the contributors to date, but, we do try to acknowledge their lucidity at the moment. 

The tight ass Board of Directors, however, are highly image conscious and are always  worried about criticism of the Institute from others let alone automated robot generated spam.    They collectively got their panties in a wad and inquired if our idiot IT department could attach some spam Prevention questions to the comment section.  This way, anyone sharing comments would have to answer the question and at least we would know it was not automated spam.  It was decided a simple question would be asked:  "In what state is the Institute located"?   After an hour's argument between the answers of Denial, Disrepair, and Disarray, it was decided to forgo this complex security procedure and just allow the comments as they came in.  Of course, everyone knows the real answer:  Confusion.

Jukebox: Hey McLovin, I want to introduce you to these guys

I guess I will just eat an apple a day

Ah, the annual decision making process of healthcare plan selection is upon me.  Costs are exploding and no organization is immune from trying to control expenses.  We covered this earlier when the healthcare debate was in such a rush before Congress and at that time, I had a funny feeling the do-nothing, meddling, cheap-ass Board of directors were considering this option. Sure enough, a memo was circulated today that this plan will be the only plan to cover the Institute staff for 2010.  

Being Executive director here at FTI does have some perks, however.  As I am an exempt, at will employee, I do have the option of  enjoying the same gold plated, "Cadillac" level, plan currently enjoyed by the Board.  They actually get to see live specialists who swear for you. 

Could it be that fate is tempting me?

If this blog suddenly goes dark and I turn up MIA, I can assure you, I will be in some exotic location  rapidly throwing off any remaining vestiges of being associated with the knuckleheads at the FTI.  Let me explain. 

I have to go out of town on some non-institute business for a few days.    While making the appropriate hotel reservations, the clerk mentions, "oh, you got the lucky confirmation number.  I was wondering who was going to get it".  The number:  771177.  My hotel of choice:  A casino/resort hotel. 
Then, I make a phone call to renew my prescription from a mail order pharmacy as I am heavily tranquilized most days in order to deal with the morons you have been previously introduced to in prior posts.  I give the customer service person my phone number and she says, "oh, that's my lucky number."  I asked her how a phone number could be a lucky number.  She said it just contained the digits she has found to be lucky. 
Hmmmm, I am starting to see a trend here.   I have to believe things are looking up for me.

Why looky there!  The woman next to me at the 21 table just got dealt a pair of Tens.  And she wants to SPLIT THEM!!   I knew this was too good to be true. 

Sorry, I'm already posting Google links to supplement my income

Let's see, 10% for taxes, fees, and telephone calls, huh?  Ok. 

I just received an email today from a lawyer in Burkina Faso, a small landlocked country in Africa which is ranked 7th to last place of the Human Development Index.  Translation: This place sucks.  As you can see, this guy is looking for someone to represent as next of kin, an African engineer who died, and had $13 Million US dollars squirreled away. The lawyer will cut me in for 30%, pay the aforementioned 10% miscellaneous charges, and keep the remaining 60% for himself.  Anyway, he wants some basic information and I will be on the path to untold success and riches.

I thought this event was too good to be true and decided to run it by a couple of my most trusted friends and financial advisors, Freako Deako, Rat Bastard G, and Dicky the Peap.  All were in agreement that, though this was a fantastic opportunty,  there was something definitely wrong with this offer.  Something just didn't ring true; didn't "smell" right.   Finally, after 3 hours of poring over every word and deciphering every phrase in the letter, it hit them:   It had been there the whole time and they had overlooked it.  10% for phone charges!?  Don't they know if you bundle with Qwest, you get unlimited local AND long distance calling for only $99 a month?  Hey, we're not as dumb as we look.

Engage the auto-pilot. Let's go straighten this mess out.

The cheap-ass FTI  Board of Directors will not  allow me to fly 1st class as they consider it ringside seating.  No wonder you pay a premium.

We're Green one day a week

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.


We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Here's proof in a graph form

Today is my wedding anniversary. Through thick and thin, Mrs. Kfred has been there for me. Of course, we have had disagreements, but (and it pains me to say this), she has usually been right.

For a number of years, though,  I have increasingly had the suspicion that I have been coming out on the losing end of most disagreements, but, couldn't document it as such .  I assigned our Statistical Analysis team to see if they could verify some data and, by golly, they hit one out of the park with this easy to understand graphic. The beauty of this representation is that it is not case specific.  It would apply to any married man.  Good job, guys. 

Oh, and dear, I will  always love you.

Jukebox: We always get this answer

Nice to meet you. And how do you know these guys?

At any party, there is always small talk among the guests. People who had been complete strangers with one another 2 minutes earlier are now chatting and finding similar details about their experiences and connections.

One of the tools at our disposal in generating this daily display of self-humiliation is the ability to know how people got to this site. That is, we know which search terms, which keywords, which questions asked to the various internet search engines, brought them to our site. Imagine our shock and surprise to discover that instead of the terms we had imagined would drive readership our way, the actual terms were something else. Instead of "intelligent analysis", "flawless reasoning", or "creative alternatives", we instead are being referred to for people who searched for "What should I pay my receptionist", "that German engineering", "make money posting google links" (we're going to update that story in a few days) and my favorite, "flatline investing".

To those of you who searched for answers about these terms(if you are courageous enough to hang around and still be viewing our site), on behalf of all of us here at FTI, I apologize. Coming here for answers to those type of queries is like making an appointment to discuss your finances with Warren Buffett and ending up taking advice from Zelda, the Bulgarian Mystic, at the carnival sideshow. Well intentioned, but misguided.

You're better off with the devil you know

While doing a little page maintenance recently on this site, I noticed a feature that I hadn't paid any attention to in the past.  And I thought that the FTI site was a little odd.   Ha!  We got nothing on the competition! 

Allow me to explain. (I could have had one of our idiot IT guys try, but, the entire geek team was hypnotically engaged in a fierce, virtual firefight with some wizard priest sloth-monkeys from Zoltar 7 and couldn't be torn away from their screens to help.  It's sad to see grown adults, staring at computer screens, mouths open,  cursing at animated figures.  )   Anyway, this site we publish on is hosted by the "Blogger" team.  They provide the framework under which we publish.   At the top of our page is their logo, a search box, and  a hotlink on the term of "Next Blog". At the risk of sending you to a competing site that is also vying for your reading attention, I encourage you to take the plunge.  (I do recommend opening in a new window, however, as some sites don't allow you back here, the land of sanity, um   normalcy, damn it, that's not it either, uh regularity.)  If you thought we had a monopoly on weirdos, wackos, and misfits, I would beg to differ. 

Here are some of the subject topics I observed: A Filipino woman who loves to play Farmville on  Facebook and describes her progress daily;  a lonely, heartbroken woman who has centered her entire blog around her breakup with her boyfriend and chronicles it hourly (well, almost);  a Korean teenager who posts with the same abbreviations she uses to text message on her telephone, and (I swear this one is true,) one consisting of nothing but pictures of women's underwear.  Some of it is interesting, some of it is different, all of it is weird. The websites. Not the underwear.  Now, thinking about it; yeah, the underwear, too.  

I don't think for a minute we have anything superior to anyone else's website content and am not  disparaging  them.  Different strokes for different folks.  It's just that they don't have a Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe to evaluate their statements, they don't have a cheap, meddlesome Board of Directors who won't mind their own business,  and they sure as hell don't have one ringleader who is supposed to oversee their trainwreck of a website and given a fancy title of Executive Director.   I am afraid, though, that right now, Vladimir in Russia is stumbling across this site, trying to figure out what this is all about, shakes his head, elbows his brother Petr, and mutters "этот парень - идиот".   Sadly, we have heard it before.

For the English translation click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* This guy is an idiot! *

Jukebox Bonus: 4th Chair Trumpet.

This is too good to wait 'til our normal Friday Jukebox.   If you ever played in the band in junior or senior high school and never made 1st Chair, you will understand.

Do you think we will have to bail the bank out on this too?

Does this never end?  As we first noted a week ago, if  this story wasn't odd enough, here come's the next chapter:   On top of the pending escape charges, now there are financial problems! 

Even the deep thinkers here at the Institute are scratching their heads on this one.

We're green one day a week

Hey c'mon, it's tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

I didn't know Facebook was so highbrow

I recently joined Facebook.  It's an interesting place.  I joined for 2 reasons:  1) to find and reconnect with old friends and acquaintances, and 2) to drive readership to this site.  Now, before I am accused of  furthering my own self serving interest in regard to reason No. 2, I do point out this site has no ads, no point and click  moneymaking opportunities, (ironic I put a hotlink here, isnt it?  Don't worry.  It's just a link to a past story) or any other spam generating content.   I do this because I like to write and I want to share it with others.  That's it.  It also serves as a written testimony to the activities of the weirdo's, wackos, and misfits, that surround my life.  No one could make this shit up. 

A lot of groups and businesses have pages on Facebook to gain exposure and create interest in their product or cause.   The meddling  FTI Board of Directors thought that joining as an organization would be a good idea, convened an emergency meeting, and voted to join as well.    Our page was up within 2 hours as the dopey IT team suddenly came to life and made something happen before their normal 3pm "benchmark of excellence".  2 hours after that, however, it was down, temporarily suspended, and ultimately banned with a terse statement from Facebook that we had violated their terms concerning intellectual rights.  This message was met with mixed reaction here at FTI.  While we are saddened we can't reach a larger audience, we are encouraged.  Our legal team is currently poring over this statement as they have always believed we offer nothing resembling anything remotely intellectual in the first place.  There must be something we are missing.   

Jukebox: Jools Holland always lands the best guests

Maybe he chose to pursue other opportunities

Okay, this is a logical progression as a result of this event. 

We had a similar event here at the institute a while back.  Dickey the Peap was scheduled for his annual haircut and detoured away only to be found after 5  hours later  of exhaustive searching  in a wallet store, of all places.    As he had never owned one, his fascination and obsession with these accessories was deemed suspicious and our our medical retrieval team was notified and he was safely returned.   As he has never spent his own nickel in the first place, he was deemed to be of no further hazard to others or himself and this ugly incident is now in the past. 

Hey, maybe we're just not one small speck of insignificance

Late last night, while signing the final witness statement and complaint form, I was able to ponder and reflect if my efforts are truly meaningful.  After all, our stated goal of determining the truth is many times thwarted only because of the mostly low-level functioning  of our associates and affiliates.  Regardless, I am thankful to our board of Directors for authorizing the purchase of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe (though those bastards did deny the $138 claim on my expense report I spent at Radio Shack to finally get it running.  Dickheads.) and know ultimately our purpose is true. 

Yesterday, the perfect storm hit, and I am proud to report that the  FTI team came together to perform like a symphony.  Though the "music" created was on the  level of a 6th grade beginner's symphony, I am still proud.  It was amazing.   As evidenced by the readers map, yesterday's post got picked up on Reddit and resulted in a 10x  spike in readership activity.  This single event tested the FTI team to it's furthest capabilities: Our legal team was pressed into service to evaluate the content of  2 profanity laced anonymous phone calls; the oft-maligned IT team was forced to make some on the fly adjustments to our hardware and did so only 3 hours late; even Gummo the Balloon boy got into the act and got on his bicycle.  (EDITOR'S NOTE:  The significance of this act and it's relevance to this story is unknown at this time.  We merely relay the copy given to us.)

In the end, whether it is helping others to remember their internet passwords, discovering the answer to a generational old conflict, or simply providing some music to escape with, we feel we are making a difference.  One threat at a time.

We're on a Mission from God

 

I  have had 3 sightings of retired police cars and their drivers in the last week.   One had been restored to near street patrol finish, including the various antennas, the "cage" seating in the rear, driver side spotlight, and ramming front grill.   Another police car was completely stripped of the normal police accessories, had a couple of dents, but still completely roadworthy. The last one  looked like it literally had come off of the set of the Blue Brothers movie:  dirty, missing 2 hubcaps, the paint was peeling.  But bygod, it had the drivers door spotlight still installed. 

Have you ever noticed the type of people driving either of these? I checked with the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe and ran some scenarios through it.  The mechanical wonder I purchased on Ebay confirmed my observations:  These  vehicles seem to driven by primarily three types of persons:  1)  young (20-28 years old), slightly overweight white males;  paramilitary types with pressed white shirts, 2) middle aged white guys, unshaven, smoking a cigarette, wearing out of style sunglasses  and 3) what  used to be  called "stoners" ( meth-heads?) with their stringy haired girlfriends. 

The first group in the cop cars want to be noticed.  They are hoping you will be speeding down the highway and suddenly come upon them and back off thinking, "Oh shit!  There's a cop in an unmarked car.  I hope I don't get a ticket!" Then as you realize its not a cop, you pass and they look at you with this smug superior  like "ha, I fooled you idiot" look.  Yeah, real impressive.  You sure got me on that one, Joe Friday. The Group 2 guys   are strictly interested in the car because it's got a "cop motor".  Take a Ford Crown Vic and race down the highway at 130 mph just because you have a car that can do so.  These guys were always the misfits in their social setting in high school.  25 year later,  nothing has changed.      The stoners in the junker, though, are just trying to get somewhere and all they can afford is the old cruiser they bought off one of their friends for $600.  No worries. Don't worry dude.  You will blend right in.

Upon deeper reflection, I have been thinking.  The institute's CRAP (Central Research, Analysis, and Policy) Vehicle has been performing flawlessly lately, but, I do have to plan for it's eventual replacement.  I'm thinking of contacting my local law enforcement department and see if they want to  part with one of their 3 wheeled parking patrol units.  It's smaller, more fuel efficient, but just as official. Depending on which one of our member's are operating it at the time, it could be classified under any of the 3 categories described above.

UPDATE:  if you are reading this from the Reddit link, its an old post! Click here to see the fallout from this post.

Nepotism has no place here

In our never ending goal to develop alternative thinking, one of our own has come through and is already the odds on favorite to assume executive duties here at FTI should there be an overthrow or I announce my immediate retirement, whichever occurs first. 

Unable to participate and attend our recent summer picnic, our nephew Justin submitted this late entry for consideration as part  of the "Employee Talent" display in the "Food Preparation /Hunting" category.  Though not a direct employee, he was able to submit  his entry under a heretofore little known rule: Sister's kid exception.  Congrats to this fine young man. He obviously possesses the thinking characterisitics exhibited here on a daily basis.

Much like a Swiss Army Knife with all of the tools included, this submittal idea has obvious dual purpose capabilities as well:  the deep volume allows for a large tent to be easily  wheeled into the woods to the perfect campsite, while the spacious grill surface area insures that all camping attendees can be assured  their entire hunted game can be cooked at one time.  Ingenious. 

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time

Okay.  Let's all meet back here at the horse barn at 2pm. If you all behave, we can get some ice cream afterward.

Jukebox: Forget dancing guys and stick to the horns

i hope help gets here pretty soon

(*crickets*) 

i am writing this from a secret lo..(shh!)........ i am writing this from our secret auxilary location as (shh! what was that?)

(*crickets*)

i am writing this from our secret auxiliary location as we have suspected someone is hacking into the fti network and trying to infiltrate our computer network.  the much aligned and oft referred i.t.  team cannot seem to figure out our ..............(did you hear that?)................
computer problems and suspects there may be sabotage on the part of one of our insiders.  wait.  i and only the two most trusted thinkers in our group have accompanied me here.  i had to blindfold all of us to get here and we got lost.  as a result this entry is late in being posted. 

the geek squad  from our local best buy store was at the compound earlier and I suspect one of them may have been, in fact, a double agent  working for a competitive institute.   anyway, we have contacted the real pros to get us straightened out.   they will be the ones wearing the circuit city tee shirts.

We all have some dirty laundry

Our compassion for our associates and affiliated thinkers is very deep. We try to help all of those in need. Earlier, it was noted that one of our associates was suffering some debilitating effects of a treatable malady that, left unchecked, would cause continuing harm to both his relationships with others and to his overall love of self.

As director of FTI, I have the responsibility to know that each of our associates and affiliates are operating at peak performance.  This  past Monday, I  made a referral to our medical team for their evaluation of one of our own.  We promised to show you a "behind the scenes look" of our operation here at FTI; the good, the bad, AND the ugly.  This isn't pleasant, but we offer you this peek  in the sense of openness and complete honesty.

No activity detected? You are our candidate.

At many  forward thinking organizations, emphasis is put on future goals and the planning necessary to meet those goals.  We here at FTI are no different  and are always trying to analyze our readership  audience and determine the policy direction you wish for us to pursue.  The Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe has been invaluable in this task, but, ultimately we need feedback from the target audience.  This year's goal of developing a  network of semi-reliable associates has been met with mixed results.   Gummo the Balloon Boy, Dickey the Peap,  and Freako, to name a few, have provided rich discussion material.  They are, however,  just a small sampling of the associates that we rely on for a representative overview.

 A recently discovered gadget allows us to determine the location of our  readers here at FTI.   So here's calling out to you Chicago, Atlanta, Modesto, Plano, Spokane, Meridian, London and Korea: We know you're out there!  Tell your friends,  have them visit, test to see if they qualify, and join our Wannabe Flatliners club.   Post us to your Facebook and LinkedIn pages,  forward our URL (http://www.flatlinethinking.blogspot.com/) to everyone in your addressbook, write us on the wall in the restroom at work!   Here is a quick cut and paste template:
_______________________________________________________________________________

 Hey I was thinking about you!  This organization  http://www.flatlinethinking.blogspot.com/ is in desperate need of talent and I thought you might be the one that can help them.  They are dedicated to championing the causes of the more "forward" thinking people in today's society and I think you would be invaluable to them. 

Hope this innocent act doesn't end our friendship. 

Sincerely,

_______________________________________________________________________________________

There.  Thats it.  Pretty simple. huh?  Let's see if we can add 4 more continents to cover the earth and  develop a worldwide network of Flatliner wannabe's!  The reader that refers the most new members will be our VIP guest at next year's summer gala.  Like this past summer's blowout, you will be able to hang out with our famous IT crew that recently earned us a mandatory 2 day safety seminar from OSHA,  suspension of pool privileges for the balance of the summer, and the added attention  of local law enforcement.  I will let you even spin in my Directors chair a couple of times and add which ever selection you make to our Friday Jukebox feature.

In reflection, as troubling as the whole summer picnic episode was, the department (and it's leader pictured above) have learned their lesson and promise to behave in a more reasonable fashion in the future.

It's not easy being a part of our staff

Part of our success ( if we do say so ourselves) here at FTI is the constant monitoring and  encouraging of our staff and inspirational affiliates.  We have developed and followed a methodology  shaped like a rainbow to bring out the best in our thinking staff.  Designed to help develop talent, it is deliberate, challenging, and successful.   It can also be brutal.  At one end of our program  is occasional casual observation, at the peak is   intensive help and guidance, and at the other end is complete shunning and banishment.   It serves to refocus personal trait development and strengthen their own natural skills while also to help us weed out  those on our team who's views  have veered into crackpot and wingnut land.

We have become increasingly alarmed of one individual's stability.  Though  always having been a bit out of whack in regard to rational and realistic type thinking, the document displayed above he insisted be shared with the rest of our staff  causes great concern.  Our FTI medical staff is reviewing treatment options currently and will be advising a starting point on our evaluation rainbow.   As we  chronicle the treatment plan for you in future posts, it will allow you to understand the "behind the scenes" efforts here at FTI to help all of our members.  Even the nutjobs.

Look, let's just have bygones be bygones

So I guess the aggravated assault and armed robbery charges will come later?  

We don't have to worry about losing any intellectual properties

As noted in an earlier post, we did get the necessary legal clearance to display pictures of the winning entries during our recent Flatline Thinking Institute "Employee Talent" exhibit of our annual Summer picnic. Our Legal Department is confident that revealing any of these entries "will most certainly not be copied by any other rational inventors. "  We interpret that statement to be of the highest  our team could be bestowed.  Obviously, no one thinks like our people. 

Though many were notable, there were simply too many entries to be deemed as "best". The judging criteria was loosely interpreted to the eye of the beholder, though the groundrules were simple: Create any common device in a manner not previously designed. Here are some noteworthy entries in the Technology/portable personal computing, Automotive/Security, and Home Health/Personal Care categories. Please join us in marveling at the creativity of our affiliates and sharing the pride that these type of individuals are safely detained located away from other people.

9/11: Never Forgotten. Ever.

The usual mirth, merriment, and silliness associated with our normal observations will be suspended today in honor of the over 3000 lives lost 8 years ago today.

Regardless of your political leanings, interpretation of cause, or assignment of blame, the cowardly acts of that day were despicable. May their be a special place in Hell for those involved with the planning and carrying out of those acts.

1 week vacation? What else do you offer?

A recent analysis of FTI employee benefits relates to an incident I share here.  The CRAP (Central Research, Analysis, and Policy) vehicle suffered another small breakdown  recently that it is beginning to make me think that I should perhaps turn over the responsibilities of the Institute Motorpool to a professional fleet management company. 

Starting with a repeated clicking sound when the key is turned over, it was determined that a new battery might well be in order.  Of course, the friendly mechanic was quick to offer up the 7 year battery life, $125 cost option, as being the most practical for the situation at hand.  I reminded him that as Executive Director and Founder of the Flatline Thinking Insititute, I have had advanced training and practice in critical thinking that better reflected our mission and issued  an immediate veto of his suggestion.   As a result, we opted for the minimum 5 year, $75 cost,  alternative battery  for the CRAP vehicle. 

We were thinking about offering the services of a fleet management  company  as an added perk to the staff at the FTI.  Unfortunately, a large number of our associates would not be able to take advantage of this benefit due to stunted cognitive and reasoning abilities preventing them to drive most types of vehicles in the first place.  After exhaustive independent analysis and breakout sessions with our staff, we have now focused our energies on finding a company that specializes in high risk insurance policies.  I'm sure we would qualify for a group discount.

No wonder the landscapers are all overweight

Our recent summer picnic,  alluded to so often in earlier posts, was a definite success.  The staff has shown a new sense of vigor,  enthusiasm, and re-committment to the type of thinking which the FTI has become famous for.

One of the staff favorites events of the picnic include the "Employee Talent" display.  This is where our team members can "strut their stuff" in front of their peers.  A significant number of entries were submitted and judged.  Though mostly odd, peculiar, and different,  they were interesting  to say the least; we hope to have a couple of examples to you by the weekend (Our legal team is currently analyzing the photos to insure that no intellectual property may be mistakenly lost). 

In the meantime, here is a shot of  Eric, our landscaping manager, demonstrating his winning entry in the "Food Preparation/Gardening" category.  We are proud to sponsor this type of achievement and already have contacted the US Patent Office to secure the legal rights to this device.

One word. Duh.

What's that saying? You could have knocked me over with a feather?

Do you not know who I am?

A recent federal mandate to verify US citizenship resulted in select FTI personnel (me) being required to produce evidence of US citizenship. Apparently my library card, 3 various casino Player's Clubs Cards, nor my Roundtable Pizza "Buy 5 Lunch Buffets and the 6th is on Us" membership card would satisfy the regulatory thugs demanding proper identification. Federal laws dictates that failure to produce the necessary ID would have caused my immediate termination from the FTI, though I don't know if I could have fired myself as I am the sole executive member. Regardless, I did finally show them my passport which seemed to make everything OK and allow the Institute to get back to our normal business.

As a result of this exercise, it has been decided to issue all of our staff ID badges for ease of identification. I have included mine here for your review. During our upcoming Institute open house, please feel free to ask any personnel you encounter for their proper identification. We wouldn't want to be confused for those knuckleheads working for the cable company.

Problem solved. Our ingenuity knows no limits

Per our earlier post today, it was discovered that readers have been having difficulty in leaving comments under the respective posts. Notified of this difficulty, our IT team sprung into immediate action.

After marathon phone consultations with support people from Oracle, Sun Systems, and Microsoft, we were no closer to solving the problem. At 4 pm local time, the IT guys announced as they were not being paid for Holiday differential, the problem would have to wait until tomorrow.

In the meantime, one of our maintenance guys cleaning the leftover goat hair in the Institute recreation pool following the Finance department's "team bonding" exercise from yesterday, volunteered to help. Using a toilet brush, piece of coathanger, and a dried urinal disinfectant cake, he was able to "short" our system to a point where all comments are now visible. One simply has to click on the "comments" tab, write the comments, sign as an anonymous (or which ever identity you choose)signature, validate the code in the box, and send. It's that simple.

We are accepting applications for qualified IT personnel. Ability to run pool skimmer helpful.

Please standby as we are experiencing technical difficulties

Comments arising after 2 congratulatory birthday phone wishes today indicate there are difficulties of readers to post their own Flatline thoughts in the "Comments" section of our various posts. Rest assured that our highly paid (and to date, equally inept) IT department is working on this matter as we speak.

(Confidentially, management's faith in getting this solved quickly is weak as this is the same bunch of guys who rigged up the boom box for our recent summer picnic.)

No truer words were ever spoken

Today is my Birthday. I don't feel one bit older, wiser, or different. It's just another day. Unfortunately, however, it's when you begin to realize that you have amassed so many of these types of day that the reality sets in: most of my friends and family are a bunch of smart-asses.

I have received various birthday cards to mark my personal event. If I am ever replaced as director here at FTI ( though I couldn't image it as I am the only executive member of the organization), I would like to try my hand at writing for the greeting card industry. These people take the truth and make it into a humorous thought that is short and direct to the point. Case in point:

If a man, standing in a forest says something, and his wife isn't there to correct him...Is he still wrong? Absolutely!
Mrs. Kfred has informed me that the subject is closed.

And how is everything here?

Mrs. Kfred and I went to dinner last night at our local Red Lobster. We hadn't gone out to "dinner" in a while and though Red Lobster isn't actually anything special, I had a craving for those cheesy garlic biscuits they serve and went to get some.

After being assured by the hostess that my server would act as my seafood "expert", we were greeted by a nice lady whom explained the menu and took our order for 2 glasses of Fat Tire Ale. 10 minutes later, I assume our 2 Fat Tires suffered a blowout as I spot them on a tray at another table waiting for some rescue as she is taking the order of a 6 person table. We eventually get the beer, place our dinner order, and wait. 5 minutes later our salads arrive with a basket of 2 of those desirable biscuits. Two. As we were both hungry, we ate the great salads and one biscuit apiece in no time at all. In the meantime, Melissa, our expert is MIA. I assume she is attending a seafood conference to burnish her credentials as she is nowhere to be found. A different person arrives with our meals and leaves before I can make a request for more biscuits. We start eating the entrees and about halfway through our meal, I notice that I didn't have a glass of water. About that same time, Melissa shows up and happens to ask if I would like some water. I indicate that I would and would also like some more biscuits. She replied, " You must have been reading my mind as I was just going to ask you that". I immediately get a huge class of ice water and a straw, but no biscuits. Though Melissa must be related to Kreskin with her telepathic ability, her family lineage must also trace the bloodlines of the Hoffa family as the biscuits obviously are in the same place as cousin Jimmy: location unknown.

In re-reading this post, I don't want to appear grumpy or grouchy. I don't know what the problem was. There appeared to be enough staff in the restaurant. Melissa actually was very pleasant and seemed knowledgable. The food was good. I just know that I spent $45 on an experience that neither of us felt was worth it. Oh, and to answer the original question? Fair.

Jukebox: Wow! Our Labor Day Clearance 2 for 1 Posting

Maybe, Jerry can make him one of his kids

I had lunch yesterday with one of our inspirational affiliates, Dickey the Peap. Dickey has indirectly contributed to some of the thinking here at Flatline, but unfortunately, has suffered for years from “alligator arm syndrome”, a paralyzing disability that prevents him from willingly to reach for the check in social settings. This disability, however, in no way prevents him from providing subject materials that can be more fully explored here. It is sad, though, to realize a close friend is slowly gaining weight at other’s expense.

He has been able to successfully hide the embarrassment of this debilitating disease by various methods of deception and concealment. Among some of his methods of compensation include the statement, “I don’t remember, but, I think it’s your turn to buy” and “Remember when you said, "Next time, it’s my treat." Well, this is that next time.” Furthering research indicates this disease can be beat by paying more often, however, this case is one of the most severe that the research staff has ever encountered. We have sadly accepted the diagnosis that he will never get better, but, will continue to exist at his present level of functioning.


Like one of our other affiliates, Rat Bastard G, Dickey is an inspiration to all that know him and doesn’t allow this dreaded disease to stop him from engaging in any eating or drinking activity, whatsoever. We are proud to count him as a contributing colleague that also meets our diversity goal of inclusion of handicapped individuals on the FTI team of thinkers.

Gettin' a little bit big for your britches aren't you?

And exactly which major news outlet pointed out that the Michael Jackson tape was a hoax? CNN? Nope. MSNBC? uh-huh. FOX News? Puh-lease. The correct answer would be the hard working, sound thinking, investigative team here at the FTI. Oh, and check the date on our post. That would be August 28, 4 days prior.

Yesterday, the story broke about this being an intentional test of the gullibility of people via the internet. We knew it all along. Never mind the fact that we thought it was Gary Coleman in the video. We admit our error. Everyone can plainly see it is actually Donny Osmond.

Where's Waldo? Mary?

Say it isn't so! We have safeguards in place to guard against this kind of deception! How could we have been taken? We pay our guys to investigate, study, and confirm this information before we post it and then this breaks. We WILL be having employment opportunities available very shortly. I guarantee it!!

A contract affiliate of the FTI located 500 miles away from the FTI Compound noted that our posting 2 days ago about Mary Steadman was interesting as she apparently lived in a nearby town. He indicated an interest to further interview her for a follow-up profile by us, and wanted authorization for expenses. This remark piqued our interest as I remember distinctly that Mary actually live in the same town as I and I suggested perhaps our affiliate should restart his medication routine. Regardless, we denied expense authorization as we think this may be a ruse to bolt from his obligation with us and go on his own to attempt to increase his income versus the modest stipend afforded him via the FTI.

After investigating a little deeper, it has been determined that Mary lives (are you sitting down?) everywhere! That's right, Mary lives close to you and makes $5000-7000 per month from home doing nothing! To prove and illuminate this fact, we would like to conduct a little experiment with your help. It's simple: We are asking our readers to help determine which places on the planet Mary lives. Here's what you do: Click on this original link that actually proves that Mary is nothing more than a digital transient. The article begins with "For Mary Steadman, who lives in ....." Note her town and state where she is purported to live. Come back to this post and enter her hometown and state in the "comments" section at the bottom of this post. You can comment if you wish, but, we just want to see all of the places on the earth where Mary works. Ask your friends and other members of your social networks to participate in this little exercise. It's such a good deal, I'm sure she wouldn't mind a little company.

Whatever happened to "Mom" on your bicep?

During our morning brain storming session, one of our staff members made fun of another member's tattoo. Some innocent wise-assed banter progressed into a heated argument advancing into a skirmish resembling a 12 year old girl's slumber party pillow fight and ended in a couple of charges of disturbing the peace and reckless endangerment. (Our legal team is confident we can beat the public indecency rap, however.)

Regardless, this incident inspired the rest of the think tank members (whom avoided this spat so not to violate their conditions of parole) to locate a graphic that pretty much says it all. It is displayed here for your review, convenience, and ease of identification.

Hey, where's my $5000 per month?

Are you kidding me?? What the hell have I been wasting my time at this rinky-dink Instititute over? Hold it here, wait a minute. What is all of this fine print? Fire up the Truthometer Deluxe and get Flushwig in here. We need to analyze this a little further.

During the mind-numbing research performed early each morning, I stumbled upon this article that suggests that someone can make between (I swear this is true) $5000 to $7000 a month at home doing nothing! It is a story about Mary Steadman who is making this dough just working 10 hours a week by doing nothing more than "posting links for Google." That's it. Nothing else. It all depends on how many links you posted online. They give you the website links to post and all you do is start posting those links. Google tracks everything.

The article has proof by displaying actual checks which, I assume, belong to Mary. (EDITORS NOTE: Mary must be a closet introvert because even though she is telling her story and bragging about her riches, she doesn't want anyone to see her name on the check.) Anyway, as I was just about to join Mary in creating my own financial wealth empire, I happened to scroll down to the bottom of the page and saw all of the fine print. Apparently:

1. Testimonials do not typically result.


2. Photographs or images are depiction of individuals and payment methods. These income examples are representative of some of the most successful participants in the program.


3. Some individuals purchasing the program may make little or NO MONEY AT ALL(EDITOR'S NOTE: their emphasis). These claims are not a guarantee of your income, nor are they typical of average participants.


4. Individual results will vary greatly and in accordance to your input, determination, hard work, and ability to follow directions.


5. No person or company can guarantee profits or freedom from loss.


6. Google is in no way associated with this website.

What the Hell?? You mean I could make less? Google is not associated, but you make money posting Google links. Huh? All of a sudden, this sure fire thing didn't look so hot if for no other reason than this is the type of creative, innovative, thinking we employ here at FTI. I know the personal riches I gain from that activity. And, I wouldn't want to be greedy.

From the Desk of Miss Congeniality

The FTI has a charitable Foundation Arm that is used to promote and further the cause of continuing Flatline Thinking. The funds accruing in our internal slush fund are not scheduled to be invested with this firm, however. Somehow, I think they ought to think about hiring a competent copy editor before soliciting money from us.

Now, Arnold

The Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe has already paid for itself many times over; however, it's latest determination is proof positive that hidden nuggets can be found on Ebay.

A video is floating around that is purported to be physical evidence that Michael Jackson actually faked his own death and is, in fact, still alive. As the Truthometer Deluxe is a 1950's model, it does not have the ability to analyze video proof. We did, however, input this information orally via one of our trusted subjects and immediately the machine confirmed that this story could not possible be true.

After studying this video for hours, our FTI research personnel began to collect and input as much information as possible of celebrities whom were big at one time but have have been out of the spotlight lately. We again orally relayed our findings and conclusions as to this person's true identity into the Truthometer Deluxe. Confirmed as accurate and truthful, we came to the same conclusion: the person viewed in the video is really Jackson's arch nemesis and lifetime rival, Gary Coleman.

Jukebox: Cool. A Hair band with a horn section

You can tell a lot about a man by his name.............

.....after it has been analyzed as an anagram. Let me explain.

While recently conducting a conference (similar to a long time ago in a storage room while drinking cheap sauterne cooking wine) with one of our independent outside thinkers, Rat Bastard G, the subject of honesty came up. None of us know this individual's actual name. Through the years he has been known as Linebacker, Amazon, Partner, etc., however his true name has never been revealed and is unknown. After much prodding, he did admit that his given name can be anagramed into "Affirm Gay Clue." This was accomplished by the use of this tool.

Though making no judgments, this analysis confirms our suspicions about this individual's habits and predilections. We are pleased to announce that by including the Rat Bastard, our diversity goal has been met and his inclusion is welcomed.

A high tech twist to an old Feud

Here's some interesting triva: Descendants of The Hatfields (of Hatfield vs. McCoy) formed the Garmin Corp. The McCoy's went another route and built a trucking empire. You connect the dots.

2 wings of the same bird

I am not very much of a political partisan as I believe both the Democrats and Republicans are just 2 versions of the same broken model. Here's a couple of examples of what I think is wrong with our political system:

I have never been a fan of the Kennedy's, but, do note this morning's announcement of the passing of Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy. I didn't agree with most of his politics, but, do offer praise for his work to further Civil Rights and to help his sister with her work for the Special Olympics program. With that said, however, I don't believe we should have an elected official in the same office for over 47 years. I believe they lose touch with the average person, jussssst a bit.

On the other hand, you have the idiot Republican Governor of South Carolina. This guy spent state money while having an extramarital affair, got caught, and won't resign. Nice. Once you get elected, whatever is proper and correct goes out the window.

Is it a wonder the American people are fed up with politics as usual?

Safety never takes a holiday

The recent hot weather has taken a toll on the productivity and creativeness of the FTI thinktank personnel. During a recent brainstorming session, it was suggested that a pool party here at the compound would be a real fun way to reinvigorate the group, help reignite the creative thinking so prevalent here, and, of course beat the heat. As a result, we had the party recently and morale has soared ever since.

While viewing the various pictures of the event, our Director of Institute Safety, Mrs. Kfred, noticed an obvious violation that could cause harm to all involved. She chose this one picture to highlight during the safety segment of this morning's meeting and used it as a training exercise for everyone by asking all attendees if they saw anything wrong with this picture. She did this to keep our focus on safety as vigilant as ever.

Though the guesses of "the metal legs of the table could puncture the pool liner," "those guys look like they aren't using the proper level of sunscreen," and "unwashed sandals can spread athlete's foot" were noteworthy, they weren't the most egregious error in judgment. See if you can spot the violation in question.

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Never use glass bottles around a pool area! *

Overheard at today's morning briefing

"Thank you, Mr. Wizard. That was a spellbinding presentation. Before the members of the thinktank get back to work, would you mind answering any of their questions?"

"Yes. In the back."

"Uh, science dude, I have this gnarly rash and I was wonderin'......"

Punk'd by the County Assessor

I am sure that I have unknowingly become a part of reality TV. But, I never realized that government would be in on it. That's right: I got punk'd by the county assessor.

The FTI Compound is located in a mostly rural county in my state. There isn't a lot of industry here and is one that has traditionally relied on natural resources and it's related industry to shoulder the taxing load. With the current economic downtrend, the local factories have cut shifts, been sold, or moved out of the area in order to compete. As a result, housing values have dropped, we have the 2nd highest unemployment in the state, and there is a general malaise to the economy. Therefore, when I opened the official "Assessor's Notice Of Value Change For Taxes Payable In 2009", I assumed that our property tax responsibility would be somewhat less. Negative. Instead, my duly elected county official sent me an official greeting announcing that the total assessed value had increased 13% over prior year! Let me give you a snapshot of my area Mr Assessor: The home next door is currently going through a short sale after being on the market for 20 months; a home 1/4 of a mile away sold after being foreclosed; an over the top, more house than anyone would buy, 2 times over priced, shrine-on-the-hill built by Alfred E. Neuman's nephew begs for visitors (let alone buyers), and yet, my assessed value goes up??

Right now, I am waiting for someone to drive up in a non-descript white Chevy Malibu with the county crest on the side to tell me this is all a big joke. I hope they get here pretty quick.

There is great joy in Mudville!

With apologies to Ernest Thayer

Oh! here in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing loudly and here the hearts are light,
And right now men are laughing and loudly the children shout;
As there is great joy in Mudville -- J Swinger has removed all doubt!

Mrs. Kfred and I were overjoyed to learn that Kfred Jr. 1 (aka J Swinger)and his longtime girlfriend, Goldilocks, have announced their engagement to be married! She is a beautiful young woman, smart, talented, and ambitious. We love them both very much and are very proud to welcome her to our family.

This event serves double purpose as Kfred Jr. 2 can now achieve a lifelong goal: Attend a wedding, be allowed to drink to excess, and face no recrimination.

Uh, we need to talk to you before we go any further

One of my various duties here at Flatline Thinking include the management of the Institute motor pool. The fleet has shrunk over the years and is now down to a manageable 2 vehicles: a 12 year old BMW driven by Mrs. Kfred and a 6 year old 136,000 mile SUV afforded to me for my exclusive use as executive director. Reminding the reader by the chronicle in an earlier post, the expense and maintenance of these assets can sometimes be daunting.

As an in-your-face affront to the environment, high gas prices, and the green crowd, the SUV (with our Central Research, Analysis, and Policy (CRAP) logo emblazoned on both sides) draws considerable attention from other drivers. Regardless, I had scheduled the CRAP vehicle for a routine oil change and replacement of the rear brake pads at the local shop. These were both items that I was monitoring, had budgeted $175 for completion, and expected to be finished in 2 hours. Imagine my surprise when the shop called and noted that in addition, the front brakes and rotors were down to 10% wear life and would need to be replaced immediately. 4 hours and $469.10 later, the CRAP vehicle was on the road and earned a reprieve as a sales statistic from the soon to end Cash for Clunkers program when it flawlessly avoided a near collision with a streaking, cell phone yakking, red light running, driver of a GMC Yukon. After exchanging the obligatory dirty looks, assumed right of ways, and mouthed insults, I was on my way.

In summary, I know one thing: the CRAP vehicle is a high visibility tool that the FTI cannot afford to lose. Literally.

Who is that masked man?

The posting of various thoughts and concepts here is a challenge, but, also fun. Emphasis is on humor and silliness as a way to comment on the events and opinions I experience and hold.

Having only recently started and slowly working out the kinks, it's ironic a story of outing anonymous bloggers recently appeared. The dear friends and family members that have been initially invited to observe life passing by with me "get it" and understand. The rest are the audience who view this to be entertained. Think of this as nothing more than a Walter Mitty moment.

Jukebox: It's not always rock and roll

Mom will never see the pictures if I don't "Friend" her

Our crack research staff and thinktank personnel toil daily to keep this site interesting and varied. Their dogged dedication and management's vision to commit to the winning Ebay bid of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe to verify all statements made here result, in our opinion, a site that avoids becoming boring, annoying, or meaningless. The same cannot be said of the recent explosion of the popularity of Facebook and it's accompanying inane posts, however. How many of these 12 Disciples do you know?

Oh, I forgot. The question must be in the form of an answer

I currently frequent 52 different sites that have ID and password requirements. Amazon, youtube, ebay, my credit card, this blog. You get the idea. User ID. Password. You have to enter them before access. There is no getting around it anymore.

Unfortunately, you can't use the same password from site to site because some require a certain amount of characters, some require numbers, etc. Then you forget the easy-to-remember password and you are stuck. You have to answer a secret question in order to recover the password. Let's bypass this security measure. In order to lessen the frustration and lost time of recovering forgotten passwords, I propose that we get credit for passwords that are close enough. Close enough is just to the point of being vague that anyone trying to hack your account will get frustrated and give up, but, free you from the burden of having to remember countless phrases and words. Here's an example: The password is "5Tiger". My first guess was " nipple ring". No go. 2nd attempt: "dillweed". Close enough.

But you can't fold a coin

Actually, I am not surprised by this report of dirty money. I just want the public do-gooders to think clearly before they inevitably advocate changing peoples habits and promote the use of more coins.

Currently, any bill tossed toward the brass pole doesn't make any distracting noise over the blaring music at the Flatline Thinking Research Center. The research attendants are always smiling, happy, and gladly grab the numerous bills scattered about. Though I certainly advocate public health and safety, for personal reasons I'm not sure moving in this direction would be a good thing.

I should have upgraded to the Pentium 2

Some unfortunate technical difficulties that plagued us over the last 48 hours, resulting in the inability to view what was being published, have been solved.

The argument that most of the postings here make no sense and have no vision in the first place, resulting in comments amounting to, "what's the difference?", will be aptly ignored.

Job Interview tip in a tough economy

The recent problems in the economy has resulted in a number of people with years of experience losing their positions. It has been years since many of the people have ever had to interview for a job and, as such, may be a bit rusty in their interview techniques. Applicants need to be creative, flexible, and adaptive to be considered for many positions. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. See how you would answer it:

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Deep, logical reflection would lead you to the conclusion that You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The winning applicant answered, " I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams. Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations." This answer won over the hiring director and the applicant was hired.

Further analysis, however, suggests an alternative course of action: 1) run the old lady over and put her out of her misery; 2) have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car; and 3) drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

Jukebox: "How would you describe it?" Well, It's kind of like the arguments on the internet

And what is the downside?

Quick! Hoard all of the Twinkies, soda, and candy bars! There is a pending sugar shortage heading our way.

Doesn't this seem to fly in the face of what the health experts have been telling us for years: that is, to cut down on our intake of sugar? What's next? The certain end of a root cause of American obesity?

Clinton Fatigue Round 2

With the recent success of former President Bill Clinton going to Korea to gain the release of the 2 American journalists and his wife Hillary showing her tough side to a mistranslated question by an African student, this thought occured to me: Who is tougher? Bill "McClain" Clinton or Hillary "I'm not channeling my husband" Clinton?

America is a safer place with the knowledge these two are out kicking some serious ass in the world.

"Bones! Analysis!" "He's bleeding cash, Jim"

The fact that a small part of the answer to wasteful healthcare spending is as simple as a doctor washing his hands regularly when treating patients is astounding. That, and others, are among the top causes of wasteful spending identified above. We have all heard about "defensive medicine", but I assumed it was to uncover any remote possibilities of cause of illness and used as a defense to fight it versus covering your ass from a lawsuit. Lastly, I have been amazed at the countless pieces of mail, correspondence, and billings Mrs. Kfred and I have amassed in dealing with our few minor ailments recently.

I don't know the correct answer in dealing with this issue as the debate rages on. I'm just not convinced, however, that getting the government in the healthcare insurance business is going to bring any improved efficiency. If needless paperwork is already an identified issue that adds more cost, can we count on the same guys who write the tax code to make it any easier?

Help Wanted: Guard For Henhouse. Foxes encouraged to apply.

I discussed in an earlier post that I thought this story was a little strange.

(In my best Paul Harvey voice):" And now, the Rest of the Story."

Is this really a surprise to anyone?

Jukebox: These guys deserved more recognition

Classic Rodney

After making love to this girl she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning"? She answered, "No, I hate myself now".

Doesn't this worry anyone a bit?

This blog posting and it's accompanying request in the last paragraph is a bit scary to me.

To suggest that people should forward any email that seems "fishy" (their word, not mine)to the White House seems odd. What does "fishy" mean? Does it mean something with which you don't agree? Does it mean something that is partisan? Does it mean something that is mean spirited? While that is being sorted out, what is happening to all of those email and IP addresses? What exactly is the White House going to do with that info? Is this the new 21st century version of an enemies list?

Hold it. Why am I worried? This is the government we are talking about. These are the same people that sent me letters requesting tax returns for my mother 3 straight years after she had died. If they can't keep track of dead people, how in the hell are they going to keep track of the live ones?

I'll address more about this later. In the meantime, I have to be fitted for a new tin-foil hat.

Well, I prefer to call it a low B-

I don't even know where to start about this near Rhodes Scholar.

3 common sense rules to observe

(With credit to my ultimate alligator-armed, I think it's your turn to buy, mothbitten wallet owning, tightwad buddy, Dickey the Peap)

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1) If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

2) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Yeah, it was only driven by a little old lady on Sundays

The recent government sponsored "Clunkers for Cash" program has made me curious. One Billion taxpayer dollars has been allotted through November 1st to stimulate new car sales, help struggling auto dealers, and get more fuel efficient cars on the road. On the surface, that whole idea sounds like a good one. Now, one week later, the program is out of cash. Supporters say this is proof the program has been wildly successful ( I guess you can't argue with that). Detractors are saying this is a example of government bungling (I am not sure you can argue with that, either). Now, the House has authorized another Two Billion dollars to keep the program going and sent it to the Senate for their approval. UPDATE: The Senate has approved the Two Billion as well and sent the bill to the President to sign.

My problem with the whole thing is this: Why am I, as a taxpayer, being asked to help pay for someone else's automobile purchase? Haven't we stimulated sales, helped struggling auto dealers, and gotten more fuel efficient cars on the road after one week's time? We've met the goal; game over, move on. Also, this initiative is laboring under the green mantra to help our environment and reduce our carbon footprint. Under the terms of the program, all of the trades are to be made inoperable and not put back on the road. What about the re-usable parts in all of these cars? Does it make sense to destroy these cars and not strip them of re-usable parts? Aren't the businesses in the parts supply chain also suffering because of the lack of auto sales? What happened to reduce, reuse, recycle?

To me, this whole program seems to target one industry that employs a bloc of reliable voters located in a strategic region of the country that is key to winning Presidential elections. Wrap it together as an initiative to help both the economy and the environment and you have a feel-good program. Just don't worry about the cost, though. A billion here. A billion there. I guess this wasn't the "green" they were talking about.