Monday, November 29, 2010

The Season of Joy begins

In anticipation of the upcoming holidays and taking advantage of a break in the weather yesterday, I was able to get outdoors and start the preparation of decorating the Institute with outdoor Christmas lights yesterday.   Not wanting to repeat the fiasco we experienced last year when I instructed Gummo the Balloon Boy to decorate, I took it upon myself to plan the layout and put everything together. And, if I do say so myself, it came out pretty well. I have to do some upper second story work next weekend as the light faded before I finished, but, that's OK.  I'm not ready to turn them on this early anyway.  Regardless, it is a scene reminiscent of any holiday postcard. 

Now, if I can just get the Misfits to start behaving, we should be able to capture that special Kodak moment and not have something like this.      

Sunday, November 28, 2010

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Let's get out there and shop

Well, Thanksgiving is over. Now let the real sport begin.

I am off today to begin my Christmas shopping. Mrs.Kfred is out with a friend to go to the various holiday bazaar's for those "special and unique Christmas items.*" While she is determining the next got-to-have- Christmas decoration to be displayed here at the Institute, I am on my own for the personal gifts to find for the family and friends. This is always a struggle as I never quite know what to get for those people on my shopping list; they are such a hard bunch to shop for. Some suggestions: A Kindle reading device, a digital picture frame, a new office chair?   All of these are on my research list today.

I shouldn't complain, however.  Part of my holiday tasks are quite easy.  For instance, shopping for the Misfits is not too difficult.  The Green Comic will be  satisfied with the signed, yellowing copy of a script of a 1971 episode of the old TV show Hee-Haw; Gummo the Balloon Boy has lately taken an interest in modern art; I found a book on how to make figurines from earwax which should keep him enthralled for days.  Of course, following the spirit of giving a gift from the heart and rather than supporting crass commercialism, I made a gift for Dickie the Peap that I know he certainly will treasure:   a simple handmade chart detailing profit levels  based on a 200% labor rate mark-up for any jobs  he does for Friends and Family.  After all, if you can't charge friends exorbitant rates, how would you make any money?

In the end, though, it's the thought that counts.  Thankfully, I only have to exert a few thoughts for half of my shopping list.  I'll let you determine which half. 

*gaudy, useless candle holders in the shape of reindeer, etc.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

A pause for thanks 2010

Once again,  today is Thanksgiving; my favorite holiday. I have never thought Thanksgiving has received the proper respect; it's more than a bump in the road on the calendar toward Christmas. Everyone is in a hurry on the highway of life, but, Thanksgiving is the "Reduced Speed Ahead" sign that safely brings our life priorities back into focus.  Mrs. Kfred and I are having dinner with Marv the Neighbor and his wife as we are childless on this family day.  Kfred Jr 1 and his wife, Goldilocks, are going to join us for dinner tomorrow instead as they are returning from visiting her family out of town.   Kfred Jr 2, again has too short of a turnaround time to be with us now, but, will be home later at Christmas. 

With those ground rules established, let me briefly recite some of the things I am thankful for:  First and foremost,  I am thankful for my wonderful life partner, best friend, lover, and thought compass for 29 years, Mrs. Kfred. I love you dear.  I am thankful for the above mentioned 2 offspring and our newest addition, Goldilocks,  She is a wonderful girl.  I am thankful for my job within Dilbertland.  Like any job, there are things you don't like, but they have been fair to me and have treated me well  (I know people whom are suffering with unemployment right now and one truly should be grateful).   I am grateful for my siblings: Brother Eddie, Gertie, and Ace.  Though separated by many miles, I actually think we are closer than when we were kids living under the same roof. Of course,  I am thankful for my friendship with  the  dimwits that serve as inspirational fodder for subjects posted here on a daily basis: the more than 30 year affiliation with the  "Trinity of Idiocy" consisting of Gummo the Balloon Boy, the Green Comic, and Rat Bastard G; that golfing hack, Dickie the Peap; my Assistant Executive Director/Resident Trustee, Giacommo; and the rest. With the antics and ideas that involve you, this is really easy to do on a daily basis.  Please, don't stop. And finally, the readers, I thank you.  Our 2 faithful readers continue to get in the act and are actually close to becoming part of the story.   To the rest of those whom are mistakenly directed to this site when they are searching for something actually meaningful to read, I apologize.  You have to admit, though, it is kind of like seeing an accident on the roadside.  Admit it:  you want to see a body, don't you?   Wherever you are, I wish you a great holiday and thank you for your support. I'll be back tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.

My life is truly blessed.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

An image makeover

I got off of the phone with  the Rat Bastard G yesterday whom informed me that he is tiring of his 5 week old goatee and is considering shaving it off.  I asked him why he wants to get rid of it so soon after growing it and he informed me he just wants to go another direction with his appearance. 

Initially, I thought the idea was kind of loopey in the first place as it does not quite match his persona as a fat, old, white rapper.  Oddly, his act as  an opener for the Green Comic, has been met with positive feedback.  G is kind of like a bad boy Barry Manilow:  crisp around the edges and kind of doughy in the middle.    Anyway, he doesn't seem to care about what his audience may think.  He is thinking of jettisoning it all. 

This conversation got me thinking.  Instead of ditching the goatee and re-embracing  his personna as the middle aged answer to the 90's rapper Vanilla Ice,  I think he ought to attempt to shift his direction entirely and become more like  Emperor Wang the Perverted character in the 1970's science fiction/porno parody  Flesh Gordon.  Obviously, there is risk in trading out your fanbase. And yes, you are going to need to come up with a new tagline.   In the meantime, you can always use the one that brought laughs for Emperor Wang:  "Up yours, Gordon". 

Monday, November 22, 2010

Your weather forecast with our slant

Under the terms of our original charter, our purpose here at  FTI is to engage in  alternative interpretation and observations of everyday life.  While striving to do so and to present the side of a subject that others may not have considered, we always feel that in doing so, the result will be an easy to understand and comprehensive analysis.  We take pride in that and think we do it better than anyone else.  We now, however,  may have met our match.

The Institute is located in a fairly temperate region where we receive occasional, scant snowfall totals during the winter season.  Many years, there is no measurable snowfall totals at all.  One of the reasons  Mrs. Kfred and I moved to this area was to leave a more vigorous winter area behind.  I don't mind snow, but quite honestly, if I don't see it again ever in my life, it wouldn't bother me a bit.      Over the last few days a developing cold front and approaching wet system have been forecast to collide over our area.  Of course, all of the television stations and local papers have led with these stories to stir people up and warn them to be prepared for the coming "arctic blast" (lows forecast to be 20-25 F).  The hard hitting reporting by the local media finally exploded with this earth-shattering quote from a meteorologist from the National Weather Service:  "cold air and moisture are the ingredients for snow".

A major hurdle for us here at FTI is to constantly find sites where our "affiliates" can be transitioned back to society with a minimum amount of disruption of their habits and thinking processes while housed with us.  I am pleased to announce we have entered into a working agreement with the National Weather Service  whom have allocated the next 2 vacancies within their department to be filled by former FTI personnel.  It should be a good match for both sides.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I know it's out here somewhere

This individual actually  was our top candidate to head the FTI Valet Services until this unfortunate incident came to light and was ultimately passed over.   He is, however, still in consideration to be our answer to Kreskin during the midnight floorshow. 

Portland, Oregon-- Who among us has driven 2,000 miles, reported our wheels stolen and dropped $1,400 on billboards offering a reward – only to discover that we were looking on the wrong street?

Mark Walther of Oklahoma City says he's "mighty embarrassed."
On Nov. 9, after two days of driving, the 58-year-old retired municipal employee and U.S. Navy Reservist pulled into Portland to deal with his deceased sister's estate.

He stretched his legs, grabbed a burger, and returned to where he thought he had parked his trusty 1992 Toyota pickup.  It wasn't there.

Sure, he looked around. No sign. So he reported the old King Cab truck stolen.

But he wasn't ready to say goodbye to the truck, the mountain bike in the back, the Neil Young and John Prine CDs on the front seat, or the miles of memories.

After flying home, he put down $1,400 for two billboards with a photo of the green truck and a $5,000-reward offer (no questions asked).  He also placed a classified ad in The Oregonian: "2 time Iraq War veteran desperate for return of vehicle!"

Then, on Wednesday, a woman called Walther. She asked him to come move his truck so that she could rake the leaves piled up under it.   The woman, who spotted Walther's phone number on a piece of paper on the dashboard, lived about five blocks away from where he thought he parked.

Walther explained that it didn't help that he arrived in Portland after dark. "I got turned around in an awful way," he said.

"I'm usually pretty good at directions," Walther says. "I guess the Lord's not done teaching me lessons, so he's shoving a big one down my throat."

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Waiter, there are some hairs on my plate

Citing this news story, an anonymous inquiry into any vacancies here at FTI has prompted a complete review of our admission policies.  We certainly have admitted less qualified candidates, but, I have a feeling the admission bar would be raised to an unsustainable level if these two guys made it.   

LAWRENCEBURG, Ky. — Two central Kentucky men were sentenced to probation in connection with a bizarre case in which a third man said he was forced to eat his beard after an argument. The Lexington Herald-Leader reported 47-year-old Troy Holt and 51-year-old James Hill were sentenced Tuesday in Anderson Circuit Court.

Harvey Westmoreland of Lawrenceburg had said Holt cut off his beard and forced him to eat it while Hill allegedly held a sickle blade to Westmoreland and his brother during the May incident.

Holt could not say why he made Westmoreland eat his beard other than that things "got out of control" after some heavy drinking.

He added, "I ain't got no excuses about what I done."

Hill had no comment after sentencing.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

It's now starting to go full circle

The good folks in Dilbertland are now beginning to get in the act and I am becoming a bit concerned. A recent mandate came down that I must purchase a  phone in order to comply with some new information reporting software being introduced. My current 6 month old Droid phone apparently is not supported under the platform being used, so, it's either an iPhone or a Blackberry. The catch is that I have to pay for it out of my pocket. No reimbursement, no compensation. $200 out the door, just like that. In Dickie the Peap terms, that's approximately equivalent to 6 months of whining and claiming to be broke.

As much as I have tried, I have always isolated the type of thinking that emanates from our Institute in order to have most polluted thinking isolated within a secure area.  Obviously, there is a leak somewhere on the perimeter and we could have a full blown crisis on our hands shortly if something is not corrected soon.  Or, alternatively, we may be looking at adding one more individual to our group.  Neither scenario is promising.     

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Should I stay or should I go?

A non-FTI affiliated observation for today:

I think I would like to open an advanced techniques traffic school.  This would be for experienced drivers whom wanted to further their abilities in normal traffic.  Not to make money.  Simply to educate people on proper technique.  Priority No 1:  left turns into oncoming traffic at an intersection. 

Yesterday, I spent 4 rotations of a green light cycle waiting in a left hand turn lane while the motorist at the front of the line couldn't/ wouldn't/didn't have the proper ability to advance any further.  It's damn frustrating as it is, sitting in line, while traffic  is so heavy that you can't advance.  It is quite another thing when you begin to realize that the reason you are waiting is that the driver at the head of the line is too timid to get into the intersection, wait for traffic to clear, and make the damn turn!  I was third in line at an intersection behind a wide, dual axled, 3/4 ton pick up truck whom (it later was determined) was behind a mini van at the front of the line.  When I arrived, the green light had just turned yellow with a constant stream of oncoming traffic advancing the other way.  My thought was at least I would be in second position on the next  green arrow.  Too my surprise, the light turned red and no one advanced.  I figured the guy in the truck was a  bit shy, but, hey I can wait.   Next green arrow, he doesn't move but there are a ton of cars coming at us, so I figure he will just get out there at the last minute before the light turns.  Red arrow again and now I am starting to get a bit concerned.  The third cycle begins and now I hear a constant horn beginning to blow.  I then hear another 2 horns start honking (honking horns is contagious, isn't it?).  Not wanting to miss out on the fun, I start honking my horn as well.  Three guys from the machine shop on the corner come out of their shop to check out the source of commotion and and start pointing at the front of the line.  The guy in front of  me rolls down his window, gets his  face in the mirror, and gives me the 2 palms up sign.  This is when I stick my head out the window and realize that a middle aged woman is driving a minivan and not getting her ass in gear and getting out of the way.  Finally, at the end of this cycle, she s-l-o-w-l-y eases around the corner and ends the frustration.  Total time elapsed :  4 minutes.

Now my life is not so busy that I can't wait four minutes for anything.   I certainly do not advocate anyone taking unwise chances in traffic in order to make a turn.  There is a mindset, however, that in order to be pleasing to everyone, you need to accommodate anyone.  I don't buy that thinking.  When the light turns green, pull into the intersection, and wait until there is room to make the left.  If no room appears and you are still in the intersection when the light turns red, the cross-traffic will be inconvenienced for about a second as you complete the turn and go on you way.  That's it.

Lesson Over.  We accept Visa and Mastercard.           

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Yeah. I will take a combo.

The recent decision by the San Francisco Board of Supervisors to ban the practice of giving away free toys with meals has been a lively topic of discussion among the Misfits here at FTI.  Though we are located nowhere near San Francisico and are not subject to this ruling, the Misfits have been very anxious about the ramifications that may result if this type of thinking spreads elsewhere among politicians.  

Personallly, I am relieved.  There  already is enough squabbling among our group while going through the drive-thru.  It is normally a painful experience.  Gummo always has to get a balloon, Dickie the Peap starts whining if there isn't some play money, and The Rat Bastard G is an idiot.  It doesn't matter what he gets.  It has nothing to do with free toys.  He is still an idiot.

I just hope that in the future, the option of small portions of alcohol for the person in charge of the vehicle (Not the driver!) becomes an option.    My meal would be so much happier.   

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Queen is not amused

As noted previously here, our decision to exit from Facebook was an easy decision. I haven't looked back and no one seems to have really cared. That's fine. I like the anonymity.

Now, it turns out that the Queen of England has decided to join Facebook and, within hours, more than 50,000 people rushed to "like" the Queen. Of course, you can't "friend" her or "poke"(?) her, (EDITOR'S NOTE TO GREEN COMIC: enter someone else's cheap joke here) but, you can "like" her. I am quite certain that among those 50,000 people are those whom are intrigued with the monarchy itself, but, have never actually met the Queen. So, why would you waste your time to "friend" someone you don't even know?

I relay all of this as the subject of reinstating our Facebook page is on the agenda of today's weekly staff meeting.  A hardcore contingent  advocates a return to the social setting scene while I am holding out to not bother.  My reasoning?  Slateface, Rat Bastard G, Crazy, Freako Deako, etc.  Nobody actually knows this group.  Why would they want to follow them or "friend" them? 

I can only envision one scenario of actually reinstating our status:  I wonder if the Queen wouldn't mind being classified as a Misfit.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

It's all about self-awareness

Among my numerous responsibilities here at FTI are to oversee the direct health and welfare of the Misfits.  After all, the sound thinking and observations exhibited here are the direct result of  proper nutrition, plenty of sleep, and healthy eating habits.  We do engage in a daily exercise routine and calisthenics and dietary analysis , but, for a long time, I have been trying to find some alternative types of help as well.  I recently read an article of the positive benefits of yoga and thought I might introduce a routine  to the Misfits.  Unfortunately, the results were not what I had intended. 

The recent attempts by 2 of our members  posted here are not a display of failure; rather a reinforcement of the caveat that Yoga is not for everyone.  Especially those with limited mental capacity.   I think we may seek some alternative methods of mind awareness.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

A case of mistaken identity

I am currently traveling out of town on official non-institute business on behalf of the good folks of Dilbertland.  It goes with the territory; I actually like to travel a bit.  It gets me away from the Misfits.   While starting my personal  grooming routine this morning, I noted that my extra razor was nowhere to be found in my travel kit.  I use a manual razor and for some reason it was now not in my travel shaving kit.  I don't know why, but, no big deal.  I will go down to the gift shop in the hotel and buy another. 

Arriving in the gift shop, I  peruse all of the useless souvenirs, sweatshirts, coffee mugs, and key chains and find the personal care shelf.  On the shelf is a blisterpack package of a small 2 oz can of shaving creme and a cheap disposable razor.  I grab it and take it to the counter for purchase.  The clerk greets me with a smile and asks me if there will be anything else.  While doing this, I note she is looking at me in a funny way.  I assume it is simply because I am not clean shaven and think nothing of it, but, she persists.  Now, I am beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable over this attention and ask if she is OK.  She said "You look kind of familiar.  Are you that guy that deals with those weirdo's?  What is it? Fathead Thinking?"  Now, I think to myself, "Fathead Thinking!?  Are you kidding me!?  Is this what we have become?"    The better than one year's effort of my carefully cultivated image building, the tireless pursuit of excellence, the dogged dedication to rooting out the truth, and the unswerving goal of dealing with society's losers in a central location in order to spare others the misery and burden of having to do so.  And she describes it as "Fathead Thinking"?

I am growing a beard.  It should minimize the appearance of my large skull.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Oh well, there's always next year

Trick-or-Treaters   8
Misfits                        0  (F)

In the second matchup in their short existence, the FTI Misfits once again came up with a valiant effort, but, all for naught in a losing effort to the visiting Trick or Treaters, losing 8-0. 

The Misfits were befuddled all night by the swarming attack of the Trick or Treaters led by 5 year old "Fairy Princess" and the 11 year old, "Koltar, He-Man of the Universe".   Relentless pressure from outside and the continuing cowering of key Misifts including the Rat Bastard G and  The Green Comic contributed to the poor overall effort by the FTI Misfits.  Said FTI player/coach Dickie the Peap, "I take the blame for our lack of aggressive play this week.  I have been busy counting and recounting my money and I just didn't have time to properly prepare our squad.   I guess I should have diagrammed better greetings than thinking of new ways to avoid paying for any  meals."  An unidentified FTI source seconded the Peap's analysis with a terse,  "No truer words were ever spoken", comment.

The Misfits will be in action again next year and hopefully respond with a better effort.