Sunday, January 31, 2010

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Yeah, I've heard it before: It tastes like chicken

I note that PETA, the animal rights group,  has proposed that Punxsutawney Phil, the winter-ending rodent  forecaster for the past 150 years, be replaced by a robotic replacement.   Apparently, the sound thinking PETA folk think that Phil is being mistreated and would  be best served by being replaced by a machine. 

We here at FTI  have a strict policy of "no-interpretation" of a political nature.  (Our official position is that all politicians and "advocates" of most issues are strictly in it for themselves).  Regardless, this concept trumps anything our merry band of idiots could produce.  On behalf of our entire organization, however, PETA we salute you!    You are an inspiration and have replaced us as the group known to engage in the  lowest functioning  thinking possible.   Thank you. 

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Do I look like Mike Wallace?

Highly reminiscent of an earlier post addressing the need for  internet passwords, I recently had a chance to question the staff and get "inside their heads".  And, it is not a pretty place. 

The results of my interviews and questioning of the staff in regard to the recent "tagging" request by a fellow blogger has left me speechless. Like a lion culling a herd of wild sloths (Freudian like,  isn't it?  staff=sloths;  hmmm........) by separating  the weakest members from the rest of the herd, I was able to convince Freako Deako, Gummo the Balloon Boy, Rat Bastard G,  and Marv the Neighbor to sit down and answer some innocent, innocuous  questions, and record their various  answers.   We originally had planned to include Dickey the Peap as well, but, he has been busy engaging in deep penance for sins against nature  from which he is still recovering.  We wish Dickey a speedy recovery and assure him he will be forgiven.   

To refresh the readers memory, the original request was for 8 different answers to specific questions (What TV shows do you like to watch?, what 8 things are on your wishlist?, What 8 things are you passionate about, etc).  I have HAD to modify the  questions to correlate with their lives.  The observant reader will note that, though 5 panelists were seated,  the questions were only answered by 4 of our panelists.    (Marv the Neighbor spent the whole time obsessing about deep frying a turkey for the spring picnic and  had difficulty with most of the test questions.)

To protect and preserve the anonymity of our staff, I have assigned each as No. 1, No. 2, etc.  Ashamedly, here are the questions and the unedited answers:

QUESTION 1:  "Proper health and nutrition are essential to a strong mind.  Along with these 2 attributes is the need for  proper sleep.  Sleep accounts for approximately 1/3 of our lifespan.  Where do you enjoy your best sleep?"

No. 1     The FTI utility room.  (It's warm in there with the water heater)
No. 2      On my side
No. 3      The dumpster behind the tavern
No. 4      In Jail

QUESTION 2:    "FTI has provided you with a fresh start and a chance to make your life a little more meaningful.  What do you like best about being part of FTI?"

No. 1      The hat, with the wires............ attached to the sparks
No. 2       What he said
No. 3       Checkers
No. 4       Jury Duty

QUESTION 3:  "You each were members of TEAM FTI, the ribbon-winning team that competed in the Deep Thinking contest held recently.   How would you characterize your 9 year old opponents in the Lightweight  Division?"   

No. 1      Little cheating snots
No. 2      Where?
No. 3      Do we have to play them next year?
No. 4      Their coach looked like a judge I once faced

QUESTION 4: "Which person, either living or dead, would you say has influenced you the most? 

No. 1    Carrot Top
No. 2    Abraham Lincoln
No. 3    Pee Wee Herman
No. 4    Big Bird

                 (*BONUS ANSWER:   Jack Benny.       Though not available during our interview session, Dickey the Peap got wind of this one and adamantly chose Benny because of Benny's frugal comedy routine.  None of us have the heart to inform the Peap that it was all an act.)      

There you have it.  An "inside look" of the mindset and answers of our staff to the most basic of questions. Accuracy was certainly not the goal in this exercise; completion was.  And those answers, dear reader, like most internet passwords, are close enough.

Monday, January 25, 2010

This one could be the tipping point

One of our fellow bloggers ( Fierce, over at "The Life and Times",) recently "tagged" us here at FTI.  Tagging is an invitation, not unlike a chain letter,  in which the blog in question  is requested  to keep a string of answers to various questions going and to follow through on the request of the tag.  When sent to me via e-mail, I regularly ignore and delete  e-mail chains.   This one, however, is different.  In this case, it is not about the angels whom will bring you good luck, the feel good story of the day, a free copy of Windows 7, or a surprise money bequeathment within 3 days we will receive if we keep the chain going.  There is no implied threat of disaster if we don't play along.  No starving children are going to suffer any more if we don't answer the questions.  It's just a fun revealing of thought and answers to innocent questions.  In this case, it's about 8 different answers.     And THAT  has me worried.

Our staff has been assembled due to their inability to clearly and cogently answer the most basic of questions.  (That way, we can isolate the lower level thinkers in society and not worry that they may actually influence meaningful decisions made elsewhere.) To think that this team of misfits and losers will be able to compile a list based on their personal preferences to the most basic of questions is, at best wishful, and at least, a waste of time.  Does one actually think that Gummo the Balloon Boy, for example, would  have answers to such rudimentary questions of "What TV shows do I watch?", "What Have I learned from the past?", or "What do I want or need?" that anyone cared to learn.  I think not.  As a result, I will have to tailor the category questions to the ability of our staff and submit them to our 2 faithful readers later in the week for review. 

I will submit this subject to the agenda for this week's staff meeting and relay the results.  The agenda is already jam packed with a number of key subjects including a presentation by the FTI Medical staff addressing "Safe Earwax Removal", and one by the  IT department (the most reviled department here at FTI) concerning our pending upgrade to Windows 95.   Hopefully, I can get this issue on the docket immediately. 

Sunday, January 24, 2010

It's playoff Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's playoff Sunday,  Commando Barney has been waiting all week for this day!  As our unofficial "enforcer" here at FTI, if the Big Boy ain't thinkin', nobody a thinkin'.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Maybe he should get a 2nd opinion

The FTI thinking model is based on total participation by all of our members.   Each of them contributes a small piece of idiocy, that based on their individual merits, are meaningless and of no total value, whatsoever.  Together however, when we are at full strength and all members are back in place, some semblance of an overall image begins to emerge that makes one think, "My God, this is pathetic.  I thought that circus sideshows went away in the '30's". 

I was in communication with Dickey the Peap yesterday.  I note that Dickey had been MIA for approximately the past week as his normal fiscally impaired, "will you take less?", alligator-like armed observations and perspectives had not been submitted.  It turns out that Dickey has had a medical experience that has left him incapacitated.  I was informed that Dickey had a painful case of the shingles that resulted in his absence for the past week.  Shingles is a disease related to the chicken pox virus that lies dormant in your body from childhood.  It usually manifests itself in a painful rash anywhere on the body, but commonly strikes the torso area.   If you have ever had chicken pox, you are susceptible to Shingles.  Regardless, I am pleased to announce that after a regimen of anti-viral medications and proper care, he is well on his way to recovery and should be regularly contributing to our efforts in a short while.

While the medical community is fairly certain of the root cause of Shingles and it's development, there is a great deal of unknown  about how the virus is reactivated after having lying dormant in the body over an extended period of time. I immediately assigned our staff the task of researching this disease and to hypothesize some possible scenarios.  In no particular order, they postulated that:

1) This was God's revenge for denying his ban on obviously repeated self-stimulation;
2) It's really just a case of recurring athlete's foot Dickey has had since swimming in the pool during this summer's Staff picnic;
3)  It's probably a rash caused by holding his elbows so close to his body while attempting to reach for the check after dinner.

At first review, I thought these answers were typical of the odd behavior and thought processes of our staff.  Upon further review, I'm not so sure they may be on to something here. 

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Healthcare I can believe in

In order to spur the freshest, innovative, and most illuminating type of thinking generated from the  FTI staff and affiliates,  I insist upon the best resources for their use.   Pencils, walkmen, Commodore 64 computers.  All of it.  We scour the world (including to find the best for our people; after all,  they are our number 1 asset.    Unfortunately, the cheap assed-Board of Directors do not share my commitment in regard to medical care. Our medical staff is among the finest, unfortunately, they are not given the resources to do much more than aid the errant paper cut suffered by the staff.  For more meaningful care I have to go outside of the  FTI network. 

I went for my annual physical yesterday with a new doctor.  The standard poking, prodding, listening to my chest, etc. were involved.  (I'll pass on the cheap bit about falling in love with the guy's gloved index finger.  C'mon, it's part of the  exam.  Grow up.)  The exam was going well  and he noted no discernible items of worry.  The exam took an ominous turn however, when  he asked what I did for a living.   I described my position here as Executive Director of FTI and the associated duties I am expected to accomplish.  He seemed surprised, yet interested, and asked increasingly familiar questions about FTI.  It became obvious as we conversed that he head heard of  the  work, policy analysis, and the interpretations we produce on a regular basis.   During our conversation, I noticed he discretely pushed a yellow button on the wall intercom system within the office.  Within 60 seconds, 2 large burly attendants rushed the room and I was immediately restrained and given a quick injection for, as he put it, "my own safety".    Apparently, as we had been conversing earlier, while discussing my earlier immunization schedule, he noted a lapse in one key preventive tool:  I hadn't received my anti-idiot booster.

I am pleased to report I am now updated and immune from any of the contaminated thinking produced by our staff.  I feel better already.

Monday, January 18, 2010

This isn't exactly "Law and Order"

I recently was the victim of a written vitriolic barrage authored by the Green Comic on his Facebook page that is the cause of some concern and would threaten our future ability to discipline the staff  here at the Institute.  The Green Comic did not care for some innocuous suggestions I made on his Facebook page and launched into a profanity laced tirade of written insults directed toward me ending with a sexually themed suggestion that is forbidden in the Bible and deemed illegal in most localities.  As a result, I immediately  suspended him from any future FTI activity  for engaging in official misconduct, insubordination, and over-all stupidity.  As this is a second time offense for the Green Comic,  he was recently subject to an official FTI  Board of Reprimand by his peers here at the Institute.  Allow me to retell the results.   

In most jurisdictions and under normal circumstances, the facts would be presented, a determination would be reached, and an appropriate punishment would be meted out.   Our difficulty lies in the fact that the peers of the Green Comic are exactly that; equals, similar, alike.  They don't have the ability to ascertain what is acceptable, appropriate, or reasonable.  As a result, the Green Comic  chose to have his defense overseen by Rat Bastard G, I represented the prosecution on behalf of FTI,  and the entire proceeding was overseen by Gummo, the Balloon Boy.   Both sides laid out our cases, the Rat Bastard suggesting that the Green Comic simply may have mistakenly mixed his medications on the day in question; I painstakingly detailing the anatomically impossible act he suggested I perform.  Surprisingly, the ruling was made in a swift manner.  Ultimately, Gummo, the Balloon Boy ruled in favor of the Green Comic and found him innocent of all charges.  Though not happy with the outcome and certainly wanting a harsher punishment, in the interests of justice,  I chose not to appeal  the verdict. I shouldn't have been surprised by the ruling.  The judge's reasoning is why these losers are on the FTI staff in the first place.  The reason: mental defect.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.
We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Another One For The Trophy Case

At first glance, the appearance of our structure  here at FTI can sometimes be mistaken for a rag-tag, disorganized,  piece-meal organization populated by a collection of losers, rejects, and  numb-o's with little to no ability.    Though this is closer to reality than not, I do feel we have instilled some type of pride and level of competence that, as described in the "Tell Us What You Want Us To Ponder" sidebar, has qualified our group to be known as "near-award winning".   This description was recently verified upon notification that a select group of representatives of FTI had placed at a recent "Deep Thinking" competition.  The competition was tough, the quandary's were complex, the scenarios near impossible.   Our representatives were up to the challenge, though.  They competed against some of the brightest and best 9 year olds in the region on a head to head basis.   Anxiously awaiting the notification, we received word yesterday that TEAM FTI had finished 6th in the Lightweight Division.  

It is a significant milestone for our team and I share this award with our 2 faithful readers as a sign that you are not wasting your time here on a daily basis.  There is, indeed, intellectual merit occurring at this site.  We have the award to prove it.  I have not notified our staff that all finishing 6 places were recognized for achievement.  Why create confusion?

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Hell hath no fury............

Our HR team has flagged this woman as a potential affilliate for us here at FTI. It seems if she were smart enough and devious enough to go to this much effort, imagine what she could accomplish if we told her about the practices of the guys over at AutosDirectOnline.

Customer care, may indeed, be seen in a whole different light.

Monday, January 11, 2010

I'm on my popcorn break

We at autosdirectonline would certainly never engage in these type of practices. We promise.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

It's Rollback Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Rollback Sunday.  Today starts a week of posts themed around the incompetence of our newest idiot corporate affiliate, AutosDirectOnline of Cleveland, Ohio.  We're going to swing the FTI  idiot light  (get it?)on these guys  to highlight some of their business practices.    The staff is out today washing  cars in the snow, so, we haven't had much time for thinking. 

We're glad you're here, though. Unlike AutosDirectOnline of Cleveland, Ohio, we have full disclosure policies of which we inform our readers here at FTI.      No waiting in the service areas, no lost keys, no 4 hour marathon negotiations.  Take a look here , go ahead, and re-drive a couple  of our past columns.   See if you missed anything that we have previously attempted to represent as roadworthy from the past.  If you do happen to find something not completely roadworthy, hey, tough luck.  You read it. 

See you tomorrow.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

If we could show you a way...........

As noted in the "About Me" section to the right, our normal duties here at FTI are to offer our perspective on various topics and to also help readers by having our near-award winning team analyze various scenarios. In meeting that goal, the upcoming week will feature our organization's analysis of a fellow blogger's experiences in purchasing a used vehicle. We hope to offer comparisons and simile's in our daily experiences with this single act. 

As opposed to most topics displayed here, for once, we actually  may know what the hell we are talking about. One of our staff members includes a "pre-owned vehicle counselor".  His placement file upon arrival here at FTI  included the notations of "highly experienced with adverse customer negotiations", "possesses extensive conversational evasion and confusion practices" and unfortunately, "mastery of memory erasure and commitment deniability".  This last skill is troublesome as the preparation for this skillset required short bursts of high energy electronic pulses to be aimed at the lower earlobe of the individual.  During the treatment, however, the technician administering the treatment inadvertently spilled a cup of coffee and  directed the pulse wave through the ear of our member, rendering him as a priority placement candidate here at FTI.  His worth has been invaluable however, as he is a perfect test mechanism when we perform our weekly routine maintenance of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe.   We question this individual on a variety of subjects, record his truthfullness, and then use these results as an opposite baseline to calibrate our device.  To date, the Truthometer Deluxe has performed flawlessly, thanks to this simple fine tuning. 

So we'll get after it, starting Monday.  In the meantime, the restrooms are down the hall, here's a balloon for the kids, some stale popcorn is over by the service area, and it shouldn't be much longer.  We really do value your business.   


Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Understood in all Languages

The recent effort by the cheap-assed Board of Directors to "raise our level of exposure" here at FTI has taken another twist.  A member of our Board directed the MIS staff (a subsection of the FTI IT Department, the most reviled department here at FTI)  to study and make an analysis of our readership to glean some statistics for further review. 

One trend  found  is our steadily increasing viewing by foreign readers outside of the US, particularly  Southeast Asia.  As evidenced by our Flag Counter feature on the side of this blog, one can easily ascertain the location of viewers.  The Board member inquired into the ease and effort needed to translate our site into the native languages of those readers. 

At the risk of further damaging  the perception of the US and Americans, in particular, I cannot understand the desire to inflict further humiliation on the residents of these areas any further.   These people do not need to get to know about our slack-jawed staff. Why further damage US interests in this part of the world?

I understand that civil punishment in this part of the world is usually of a public nature to discourage others from engaging in the offending behavior.  The offending party is paraded through the street for display to foster shame and embarrassment.  Should this type of  event ever involve our staff,  the results would be counter-productive: the only emotions generated would be sympathy and pity.  The people would know who is suffering daily.   Me.       

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

You pay extra for THIS??

Our 2 regular  loyal readers are aware that my various duties here at the Institute are far and wide ranging.  Among those responsibilities are my oversight of the  FTI motorpool.  After consultation with our independent mechanic and running various "what-if" scenarios through  the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe,  I  decided to  replace the FTI CRAP vehicle   and did so this past weekend.    Our needs were very specific:  safety, fuel economy, visibility, and ability to keep the misfits secure when loaning them out as attractions to  various circus sideshows during the summer.

As you may remember, I was  entertaining the idea of a retired police cruiser as this would be a familiar sight to the majority of our staff.  Ultimately, however I decided on a new  SUV manufactured by Ford that is a bit smaller and less of an affront to society than we have previously enjoyed.  It came delivered with a  host of features, many of which I have no idea how to use.  In particular,   the vehicle has a feature that I find a bit troublesome: a bluetooth device that I can synchronize to my personal cell phone.  Working with our IT department, the most reviled department here at FTI, I am now beginning to understand the features of this device and also why computer geeks band together:  they speak in tongues.  Regardless,  the problem is that after pairing the cell phone and this device, I now have the car speaking to me and actually asking me if I want to place a phone call to any one of the misfits.  The fact that I now have to deal with this type of experience in the one place where I can actually find refuge during the day is scary.  It is a bit disconcerting to have an electronic voice robotically announce  "Calling Freako Deako" or "Calling Dickey the Peap;  Work or home?" when I think I am finally done babysitting the Doofus Squad at the end of the day. 

I am planning on taking the vehicle back to the dealer to adjust the various things I find unacceptable after 30 days.   This is definitely one of them.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Do you really think so?

It "might be indicative of a larger issue".  No truer words were spoken by a government official. 

My recent jihad against American Airlines has finally made someone wake up at the FAA.  Though I can't take credit for this latest decision for added oversight, the new scrutiny over landings should extend to other areas of this airline's operations as well.

Do you think I am still a little exercised over this one?

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Hangover? No, this is how they always think

Hey c'mon, it's New Years Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the fact that I gave them this weekend off.   

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The misfits are scheduled to be returning this evening to start the brand new year tomorrow.  See you then. 

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Day 1, Threat 1

It's barely the New Year and already the lunacy begins.  Yesterday's Jukebox choice symbolized (and I quote, "It's only the Beginning,  it's only just a start) the launch of a beginning, the first step, the commencement of a new chapter here at FTI.   Ominously, an event occurred that is not a positive first one.   Gummo, the Balloon Boy, has threatened the Institute, and me personally, with legal action for invasion of privacy.  I find this threat meaningless, groundless, pointless,  (EDITOR'S NOTE: The author included 5 other words ending in -less that  have been removed due to space considerations)  without any merit, and moreover, the actions of an (EDITOR'S NOTE 2: the term "assclown" is unknown to any of us.   For the sake of further potential legal action, it too, has been omitted). 

The alert reader will refer to our earlier post of 2 days ago of Baby New Year 2010.  I posted a picture of Baby New Year to signify the re-birth, the hope, and the potential of the coming year.  I do admit that the face of baby New Year is that of Gummo in his early years, but, would only be recognizable to the rest of our staff and affiliates.   Certainly, the 2 faithful readers we retain would not recognize this individual today.    Gummo countered, however, that the posting  had caused him embarrassment, shame, and ridicule, and was threatening to pursue damages against us.  The FTI legal team determined  that the standard of judgment is what a "normal" person whom knew  Gummo would ascertain from the image.  I am pleased to announce that those people,  in no uncertain way, would confuse him with potential or hope.  After all,  that is why he is on our staff. 

One day in and this is what I get.  Oh, the joy.