Saturday, December 17, 2011

It's not an event; It's a lifestyle

I had my annual Christmas lunch with Dickey the Peap yesterday. Though the content of our meeting was highly enjoyable, it did not have quite the explosive revelations as last year.  That is not to say, however, that I came away disappointed. Hardly.

While sitting over lunch, enjoying a  sandwich and a couple glasses each of some fine, handcrafted ales, we discussed various topics that invariably end each time with the relating to the Frugal One's propensity to rarely make any type of spontaneous financial outlays.  Under any circumstances.  Oh sure, the little miser tries to turn it around on me and accuse me of some worse type of behavior, but, I accept that as the price for being able to bash him on this forum on a regular basis.   Anyway, we are sitting and laughing and acting like a couple of 12 year olds making fart jokes when a woman approaches out table.  She stops at our table and asks, "Are you Dickey the Peap? You don't know who I am, do you?"  Now, at this point, our boy instinctively reacts with the same deer-in-the-headlights look he displays whenever a dinner check or repair bill is presented anywhere near in his vicinity.  I could sense  that Dickey was now rapidy mentally going through the faces in his mind of every bill collector  he had ever known.  "I am not going to tell you my name.  We went to high school together. But, I thought it was you.  You haven't changed any."    Suddenly, the light clicked and recognized her as a girl he had taken on a couple of dates in high school a million years ago.  Nothing serious, just  a girl from his past.  "I've been looking for  you for a long time."  Now, at this point, I figure I have a front row seat to some good stuff.  I couldn't wait for the rest.  "We went out one time for burgers and milkshakes and I had to use all of my baby sitting money to pay the check because you had forgotten your wallet.  You told me that you would pay me back and I shouldn't worry about it.  I always thought you were such a nice boy and one who would keep his word.  You never did pay me back and,  as a result, I didn't have money the next day to ride the bus crosstown to where the  admissions test were being given and I missed out on being accepted into college. I ended up  getting married, had 2 kids, divorced, went broke, and am now stuck in some dumpy apartment. I figure if you had paid me the lousy $1.85 at the time, my life would have been completely different.  I just wanted to come over and tell you I have never forgotten you Dickey.  I would recognize you anywhere!"

Needless to say, our joyous event ended on a bit of a bummer.  While the frugal one used the restroom, I noted that the woman and her party were preparing to leave.  There was just one question I had to ask her.  "I hear you say that Dickey hadn't changed any in all of these years.  What gave it away?  His weight, body build, hair color?  What was it?'  Without a beat, she replied, "He's always had one simple identifying feature.  I knew right away it was him".  "What? What? Tell me what it is",  I asked.  "Two words", she said.  "Short arms".

Thursday, November 24, 2011

An Identity crisis

Ah, Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday.

Sitting here pounding out this message, I have Pandora tuned to playing Thanksgiving songs softly in the background as I plan the logistics for our Thanksgiving Day feast. Kfred Jr. 1 and Goldilocks will be joining us along with Marv, the Neighbor, and his wife as well. The plan is to barbeque a turkey this year while Marv, the Neighbor, plans to augment the menu with a deep fried bird as well. There should not be a shortage of food.

I am having a bit of dilemma though as my black knicker pants and black top with the white contrasting cuffs and collar did not get finished by the cleaners in time this year.  My entire holiday mood around this day is heavily influenced by my  attire and, now, I only have my Pilgrim hat available for use.  This is  more than a bit troubling as I may have to resort to the true and tired Indian get-up.

I just don't know the connection Ghandi had with our forefathers.  

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

This is more than a little junk in the trunk

I have taken a brief break from my duties posting here, but, am back and what better way to return.............

A woman was arrested in Florida for injecting another woman's buttocks with a mixture of cement, oil, a tire sealant, and super glue as a means to enhance her buttocks in order to work in a club in south Florida. The apparent victim wanted to have a "curvier" figure and figured paying this "doctor" $700 was a cost effective way to get the look she was hoping for.

The good doctor had actually injected herself earlier as a demonstration of her prowess. As pictured by the good doctor's photo here, I would tend to think that any prospective patient would run the opposite direction upon seeing the results.    This is an actual booking photo and  WAS NOT PHOTO SHOPPED.


I wonder if anyone is discussing this expense and type of procedure as we debate health care options.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and I am tired.   We get a day off too, you know, so,  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

See you tomorrow.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and I am tired.   We get a day off too, you know, so,  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

See you tomorrow.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

So, that's how it is

Some random thoughts:


  • Was that one of the best World Series or not? I am not a big baseball fan, but, always get stoked for the World Series. Game 6 was a classic which included some plays and events you simply don't see very often. Wow. What a lot of fun to watch.
  • Fall is here.  I guess my semi frequent tarrings of Dickie the Peap on the golf course are coming to an end.  Oh well.  The little miser has all winter to lick his wounds. And take some lessons.  
  • I have not been disciplined with my recent writings.  I am trying to post only meaningful topics that would appeal to our 2 faithful readers.  Honestly, I can't top some of the entertaining events going on around me of the societal type.  From politicians refusing to do anything, to Wall Street protesters accomplishng little to nothing, to Gummo , the Balloon Boy starting to assume the identity of Tiny Tim in "A Christmas Carol",  I can't equal it.  
I guess I will go supervise the costume selections of the Misfits for Halloween.  

Monday, October 24, 2011

Which club does she work?


Just in case, the Halloween spirit misses anyone, I offer this picture as inspiration.

There's just something wrong about all of this.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and I am tired.   We get a day off too, you know, so,  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

See you tomorrow.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Monday, October 17, 2011

Occupy? I thought you said Apple pie

Strolling around the local Occupy Wall Street protest in my vicinity, I was surprised to find Dickey the Peap camping out and protesting with the rest of the unhappy people of the world. Now, I am all for some serious tax reform, closing of loopholes, and a general "reset" of how taxes and financial issues are developed, applied, and spent. I do not, however, think that camping out in a park for weeks on end and developing policy via a unanimous consensus is really very practical. If you want to make some change, take the protest where the policy has been implemented all this time: Congress. Not in the local park. If you want to be part of a campout jamboree, join the Boy Scouts. Otherwise, contact your congressman.

Regardless, upon spying the little miser, I asked him what his beef was. After all, as a card carrying member of the 1% club, I thought he would most definitely feel out of place in the middle of the common folk. Dickey replied that since he could partake in the donated food being served without having to pay for it directly, it was worth his time to be down there.

With this type of logic, I am glad I am part of the 99%. I think.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and I am tired.   We get a day off too, you know, so,  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

See you tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

You can't escape the long arm of the law

I opened my Yahoo mail acct. yesterday and was surprised to find an email notification from the New York State-Department of Motor Vehicles informing me that I was "IN VIOLATION OF NYS V AND T LAW". I was accused of "speed over 55 zone". Now, I was a bit confused on this whole thing as I had visited New York in May of this year and rented a car while attending Kfred Jr. 2's graduation from West Point, but, I don't remember having any contact with any of New York's finest. I then thought perhaps this was a camera ticket and perhaps they had caught me on film.

Inspecting a bit further, I became a bit more suspicious. The ticket was from "Police Agency, New York State Police". The offense was dated July 2, 2011 at 7:25 in the morning and there was an attached zip file for me to open with all of the rest of the relevant information. I was just about to open said file when I looked again at the return email address and noted this message came from an email address of "infoyanol@nypolce.com". Gosh , that's not real professional. The police department can't even spell Police correctly and instead of a .gov suffix they have a .com suffix. Summoning all of my intuitive skills (and with a strong assist from ASK.com), I realized this is just a scam to get into your email address book once you download the zip file. I summarily moved this to the trash file and forgot about it.

I am not going to let these scammers get off the hook so easy, though. No sir-ree. Because of the severe time crunch I operate under, I plan to text them while driving on my way into Dilbertland. They don't know whom they are messing with.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and I am tired.   We get a day off too, you know, so,  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

See you tomorrow.

Monday, October 3, 2011

For Better or worse

To my Loving wife,

Today is our anniversary. 30 Years of being Married. Wow. I can hardly believe I am old enough to be married for 30 years.

As time goes by, a person beings to change; the weight starts to hang around, the skin starts to hang, the reactions begin to slow, and the endurance begins to weaken, among others. Even the memory begins to fade a bit. But, for me, the one thing that hasn't deteriorated is my love for one person. It has gotten stronger. Oh sure, some times I snap at, poke fun a little to far, and sometimes am just "out of line" towards you, my best friend and loving partner. (When I am over the line, I get stopped cold with one question: "Would you treat your friends this way?" Of course, the answer is no.)

When I think of though, who is my biggest supporter, my rock solid foundation, and who is glad to see me every evening when I come home, it's one person: you. Now of course, we have had our differences over the years, the raised voice arguments, the 2 day long quiet phases, etc. And yet, I have never once, ever, been told to sleep on the couch, or been asked to leave. We both know that we have an equal part of responsibility to self and an equal responsibility to each other. When we started out, we realized we had the same type of goals, ambitions, and dreams in life, and that by combining our efforts into one via marriage, we may have a good shot at attaining them. For the most part, I think we did.

So, here's to you, dear. Thank you for being who you are and for all you do. I am quite confident I wouldn't be where I am today without your love and support. I couldn't ask for a better wife (or life).

Love,

Your husband

Sunday, October 2, 2011

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and I am tired.   We get a day off too, you know, so,  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

See you tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

That's a good number

My faith in the legal system has been restored. Somewhat.

The ongoing FTI Dopes Trial is slowly winding down. At a hearing yesterday, the judge awarded the good guys a base amount of $118,000 plus some other fees to be determined in 2 weeks. The reason for the ambiguity is that our lawyer, Shifty, submitted a bill of over $170,000 which was objected to by the other side. Of course, both sides have to argue back and forth, which does nothing but make the lawyers richer, but, hey, that's the way the game is played. Regardless, it is significantly more than I thought we would ever receive and certainly more than Shifty thought we would get.

It's one thing to be awarded money. It's another thing to collect it. In the end, though, I think we are going to come out of this OK. I may have to wait a bit, but, the judgment does come with a 12% interest charge tacked on it as well.

I've waited 3 years for justice. I think I am beginning to see it rise over the hilltop. It's a good day.

Monday, September 26, 2011

What's going on here?

Gas Prices are down.

Osama bin Laden is Dead.

Women can now vote and run for office in Saudi Arabia.

And I was awarded attorney's fees in the FTI Dopes Trial.

Why don't I feel things are good right now?

Sunday, September 25, 2011

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and I am tired.   We get a day off too, you know, so,  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

See you tomorrow.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

My Wall Street experience

Among the myriad of pieces of mail received here at the FTI compound are the usual anonymous hate letters, mistaken notices of pending eviction, solicitations/testimonials for curing male pattern baldness, and the like. One interesting piece did come through yesterday that is an actual godsend.

Nearly 10 years ago, I took a small position in  some Washington Mutual stock and sold it a couple of years later resulting in a small profit.  Thinking that my stock picking prowess was better than most, I decided a bit later to get back in and bought 200 shares to make some more money off of this "winner".   Previously priced in the high $40 range, I got in at a mere $2 a share, this thing is going to go up!   Of course, this decision was made in September of 2008, a mere month before the total collapse and forced insolvency of Washington Mutual.   It was highly speculative and I knew it.  I got greedy and gambled and lost.  Game over.

Now, yesterday, I receive 30 pages of small print explanation explaining that I am eligible for some compensation due to a class action lawsuit that was filed alleging fraud and mismanagement.  Thinking that, by golly, I might recover some of my lost  $800+  investment, I started to wade through all of the gibberish.  Buried deep in the middle of the brochure was the statement that at this time no one knows what the participation rate of past losers investors will be, but, I could probably expect to recover $ .07 a share. $ .07 measly cents!  Immediately springing into action based on my longtime observation of our resident stock picker and investment guru, Dickey the Peap, I  realized that this $14 windfall was simply free money waiting to be claimed and I would be foolish to simply ignore this opportunity to cash in.  I have dutifully filled out all of the necessary paperwork and am scheduled to mail it this morning.

My confusion over this incident stems from the fact that we here at FTI had, in fact, been discussing issuing our own IPO to raise additional capital.  With our pending $14 cash infusion slated to arrive anywhere within the next 12-14 months, I have developed a budget that should negate our need to go  public.    No public oversight, no unnecessary SEC regulations, no mad shareholders.  Just the same bunch of idiots.

The liquidation sale beings next Tuesday.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and I am tired.   We get a day off too, you know, so,  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

See you tomorrow.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

"Laaaaadies and Gentlemen, It's time for our Main Event!"



Last night, I watched a 2 hour documentary tracing the history of Wrestling from the late 1800's to it's present form.  Starting out once as an exhibition of strength, balance, and athleticism, wrestling has involved into a form of entertainment for it's customers.  The actual activity has moved from one of an athletic event to a type of soap opera with a complete cast of characters including good, evil, pretty boys, and the like.    As spoken by one of the players, "If you don't believe it, there is no explanation possible.  If you do believe it, no explanation is needed."

I can relate to this whole situation as we here at FTI have the same type of scenario occurring.  My role is like that of a promoter: hyping, exhorting,  and trying to keep some sort  of semblance of order on the whole circus while acting as if everything is normal around me.  The illusion of chaos is simply your mind playing tricks on you.

My problem, however, is that we are missing any of the good guys.  Oh sure, we've got plenty of "heels" (wrestling slang for the bad characters):  Gummo, the Balloon Boy;  Rat Bastard G, the Green Comic, Slateface, etc.  Dickey the Peap might come closest to personifying good, but  I think he is re-inventing himself into the alter ego of Cheapo, the Magnificent.

I think I will just make sure that I replace the metal folding chairs with soft pillows at our FTI conference table.  It would seem to be a bit safer.  

Monday, September 12, 2011

Let's get the man on the Street's perspective

A couple of weekend observations:
  • I don't think the  FTI Dopes Trial will ever end.  This past Thursday the judge postponed, again, for 2 weeks, a hearing to determine costs due to me and my fellow plaintiffs.  Though disappointed, I am not surprised.  The efficiency of the court system in our country today is very poor.  Never, ever, ever get involved with the court system if you can avoid it.  It is expensive, time consuming, and ultimately, wasteful.      
  • Be careful when bidding any outside craftsman work on your behalf by outside tradespeople.  I had the chance to observe an exclusive behind-the-scenes look into the sordid, tawdry, world of bidding practices as described by our own Dickey the Peap over the weekend.  I am finalizing the editing and compilation of hidden camera recordings detailing in his own words the gouging, manipulation, and outright shyster-like tactics employed by the little miser foisted upon unsuspecting senior citizens, neighbors, and inexperienced homeowners when   offering to do work on their behalf.  The details will be explosive, the fees outrageous.  One viewing of this video will convince most people that the Saturday Do It Yourself clinic at the Home Depot is time well spent.  
  • I know better, but, I don't want to believe it:  Fall is on it's way.  Both weekend days were mid-90 degree days, but, by 8:15 pm, it is pitch black out and the nights are cooling substantially.  I like the change of seasons.  I just got cheated out of summer and now it is already leaving.  That kind of sucks.    
I call 'em as I see 'em.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

It's post Dickey the Peap Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's "post Dickey the Peap" Sunday and I am tired.   We get a day off too, you know.  I had to argue, wheedle, plead, and beg the little miser to pony up a couple of dollars while visiting yesterday to pay for Sunday brunch once in a while.    All to no avail.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

See you tomorrow.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Will this ever end?

OK, today is payday.  Or so, I think.

The continuing saga of the FTI Dopes trial is supposed to draw to a close today with  a hearing of determination of attorney  costs owed to me from the idiot developer.  His hard headedness (is that a word?) over this entire episode has cost nothing but a bunch of money, but now, it is turning into his responsibility.  I was in the courtroom last week when the judge scheduled today's prospective hearing and, yet, his attorney now is objecting on the grounds of insufficient notice.  Insufficient notice?!  Were you not there, lady?   Of course, everything in the law has to be in a written form and I am wondering if Shifty missed by one day the formal delivery of letter notifying the other attorney of this hearing.

Once again, chalk this episode up to another in the"Why I Hope I Am Never Involved With The Legal System In The United States Ever Again", file.    

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Some Milestone Day reflections

Today is my Birthday,
I'm gonna have a good time,
I say it's my birthday,
Happy birthday to me.


After about 8 years of age, birthdays don't mean much to most people.  I am like most people.  It's just another day.  I do pause though to reflect on my life to this point. 

To date, I am thankful and blessed to have:

1) Good Health,
2) A loving wife, successful children,  and a supportive extended family,
3) Some Great friends,
4) A job I like,
5) and satisfaction in my life to date.

On the other hand,  I am sorry I didn't: 

1) Go to college,
2) Attempt to at least try to meet the goal of when I was a four year old and become a railroad engineer,
3) Have the courage to tell some people to stick it up their ass when I was wronged (that's another story),
4) Walk away from bidding one more time on Ebay when acquiring the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe.

Had I done so on  point #4 above, I wouldn't be in the middle of this rinky-dink Instititute I currently run. 

Oh, how life deals us such strange circumstances. 
 
 

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Hailing all frequencies!

I just received word that the Green Comic has not suffered the same fate as Jimmy Hoffa.

While conducting our normal morning roll call yesterday morning, I noted that the Green Comic and a couple of other members of the Doofus Squad were nowhere to be found.  We had received no request for an excused absence, nor, noted an records here at the FTI infirmary of any unexpected medical emergencies. Knowing that the leader of any of the absent dimwits would be Green because he is the only one with the ability to tie his shoes,  I  immediately  suspected that perhaps he had met with the same fate as the union boss of the 70's because of the powerful enemies he has offended over the years; Grandmothers, legitimate comedians, and  paper clips.   Instead, Green, the Rat Bastard G, and Gummo, the Balloon Boy had all decided to take an early Labor Day holiday and went on a 5 day camping trip that coincided  with my recent camping trip.  Thus, their absence was not recognized.  (The fact that they provide no useful contributions on a regular basis should not be discounted, either.)   After repeated phone calls, police welfare checks, the scouring of local homeless animal shelters, and a thorough search of the Walmart garbage bins, I finally received a call from  Green explaining the absence.   I reminded him of our extended leave policy here at FTI and received assurances none of this would ever happen again.  Regardless, we are at full strength and gearing up for the fall kickoff and upcoming FTI membership drive.

It looks to be a slow fall.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The end is in sight


I am scheduled to attend a hearing at 9 am this morning for the signing and finalization of the judgment order of the FTI Dopes trial.  I really am looking forward to watching the idiot defendant and his family formally be legally held responsible for their actions.  I don't think they will actually accept their punishment, but, that is beside the point.  They are now legally attached for it.

As described earlier, the greed and stubbornness of one individual will eventually end up costing he and his family over a quarter million dollars.  It seems like such a shame.  I no longer have any feelings of sympathy or compassion for this guy and his family.  He had numerous opportunities to try to mitigate the damages of his own actions, but, wouldn't do so.  Oh well.

Like I said earlier, I don't expect ever to see some sort of big check with my name on it.  I think I will slowly receive a token amount of money gained from drawn out hearings and legal battles resulting in a substantially less amount of money than I spent after attorney fees are considered.  But that's OK.  The good guys won.  I am however quite sure I never, ever, ever, want to be mixed up with the legal system again.      

Monday, August 29, 2011

I would have made a lousy pioneer

Mrs. Kfred and I  just completed a fun weekend with Marv, the neighbor, and his wife  in the luxury and surroundings of his RV on a small trip.  There was a small festival in the area that they wanted to attend over the weekend and invited us to come up and stay over the weekend with them.

I have never been much of a camping person as I have never understood the fun of sleeping on the hard ground, freezing your ass of most of the time, not taking a shower for 2 - 3 days at a time, and eating cold, burnt on  the outside, half raw on the inside, hamburgers and fish during mealtime.  Sorry that just doesn't appeal to me.  This time was different, however.  Pull out the couch and it turns into a comfy hide-a-bed with plenty of blankets.  Microwave, flatscreen TV, internet, on-board shower and toilet, and a small ice making freezer unit for cocktails, and PRESTO!, roughing it isn't too bad.

As a nod to the idea of a community campfire, however, we did conduct a time old ritual:  we did drink 4 "one last beers" ending at 2:30 in the morning in addition to the numerous ones we had before while starting and maintaining the fire during the night.      It is always smart to properly use, care,  and handle the resources you brought with you.  I feel that simple act respected this solemn duty.

Now, where did I put the hair gel?

Monday, August 22, 2011

A little summer mind closet cleaning

No theme today; just a couple of random thoughts that need to be expressed:


  • I don't understand  the Obama '12 stickers starting to pop up on cars.  As noted here previously, I don't trust any politicians regardless of party (and, no, I didn't vote for McCain.) For the love of God, though, people don't even know who the other candidate is and they already know they are going to support Obama next year!?? We're not exactly in a good spot here under this guy's leadership!  Again, I don't trust the Republicans over this guy, but,  holy shit, can't people see what happened when we selected a President based on popularity like they choose the winner of American Idol?   To this subset of the population: Welcome.  You have gained involuntary membership to our FTI population of slow learners. 




  • The current kill tally of the Little Bastards and his ilk is now 3. Having failed to learn how to kill successfully previously, I am now on a roll and have trapped 3 in the last 3 weeks.  My lawn is better and so is my self confidence.    I have another trap placed, set, and awaiting the next victim.  This is truly a war of attrition which I expect to win. 



  • A note of both congratulations and  admonishment is due to Mrs. Dickey the Peap.   The congratulations are for her 43 hell-bent years of staying with the little short-armed one this long.   The  admonishment is for  what her life really could have been had she rightfully kicked his sorry little ass to the curb 44 years ago in the first place.  Mrs. Peap is smart, attractive, and recently retired from a successful teaching career. She has so much going for her, but, she should have recognized that when the little miser pulled the now all to well familiar excuse of having "forgot my wallet, I'll catch it next time" routine when on their first ice cream date those many years ago, she should have said, "Siyornara pal, you cheap little twerp". The phrase "love is blind" truly gets exercised in this case.



  • I think the universe is now back in alignment with these topics revealed. I know I feel better for having unloaded them.

    Sunday, August 21, 2011

    It's Sunday Brunch

    Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and I am tired.   We get a day off too, you know, so,  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

    Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

    See you tomorrow.

    Saturday, August 20, 2011

    You haven't been posting lately

    A friendly reminder from the little miser, Dickey the Peap, was given to me yesterday about my dereliction of duty relating to posts here recently.

    I have been out of town on non-Institute business and, as a result, have had to prioritize this chore down the line of completed tasks. Fear not, however, oh frugal one, as I have already started on next week's posts including a Monday version of some potpourri of random thoughts and observations which I will list.

    Our upcoming Fall FTI membership drive is just around the corner and our marketing/promotions department is planning on something even bigger than our highly successful Western Hemisphere Relations Forum /Auto Parts Swap Meet" held last spring.  I shudder to think what it may entail, but, that's not my problem.  I just go along with it.

    Regardless, the bashing of the short armed one begins again on Monday.


    Tuesday, August 16, 2011

    Are eggs one item or 12?

    I was recently solicited by a firm marketing the helpful type of signs pictured below for use here at the FTI compound. Though I could find nothing in their portfolio that I felt was directly useful, I did think the concept was on the mark. The example they presented us was especially appropriate for our population, but, as we don't have any retail outlets, I decided to pass on the opportunity.

    I share this with you for your consideration.




    Saturday, August 13, 2011

    Speak up, I can't see you

    This guy employs some of the same logic I see demonstrated regularly.

    Ah, the lengths some people will go to get their way. 

    Thursday, August 11, 2011

    Now, if you really are hungry

    The Trustees of the the FTI Capital Preservation committee have just wound up 2 days of intense meetings which I was privileged enough to attend. I observed a reputed expert address our group and give them advice in order to shore up our financial position in this time of economic upheaval. It was amazing to watch as the members wrangled with the various financial scenarios and ideas necessary to the protection of our meager balance moving forward. No stone was unturned, nor, any idea thought goofy, as the group worked tirelessly to achieve their goal to keep our financial foundation safe. Ultimately, it was decided; only one expert, only one being with the financial where-with-all, the knowledge, the resolve, the experience, the tight-fisted monetary experience in order to deal with such a crisis was needed to be called in to address the group. Get Dickey the Peap on the phone.

    The Peap reviewed the same, tired tricks he has employed himself over the years that, admittedly, have helped in amass his fabulous wealth. The browbeating of clerks, the pointed refusal to accept the number on the tag as the price, and my particular favorite, the commitment to memory rote of the phrase, "I'll catch it next time", when deciding to pay for a meal seem so, well, old. Apparently, the Peap has recognized this as well as now his new favorite technique have morphed into a 21st century variety; investing in small penny stock companies and then attempting to gain a seat on the board with his multi-100,000 share positions. Total investment: $900. (For our math impaired readers, that is approximately .0045 per share cost.) He then uses this new-found influence to further browbeat restaurant maitre'd's into thinking he must be some big-shot that gets a free meal and the cycle just perpetuates itself. Actually, it is a brilliant strategy.

    Our committee politely listened, gave him the obligatory golf clap at the end of his presentation, and then sent him on his merry way as the short-armed one reportedly had another lunchtime obligation. Something about going to Costco and enjoying the samples.

    Saturday, August 6, 2011

    Not a welcome rating

    I was called to a late night, emergency, on-the-double, last minute meeting called by the cheap-assed Board of Directors yesterday to take up an urgent matter. The ramifications, they felt, could be enormous. I, on the other hand, saw this whole thing coming.

    It seems that an upgrade rating by the International Delegation of Irrelevancy, Observations, and Truthfulness (IDIOT) Society of our efforts here mean now that an influential, partially respected, ratings organization has looked at our past efforts, noted our various observations and writings,and decided we are now more stupid than our peers. This designation is obviously not a positive trend for our readership.

    To our two faithful readers, we apologize. I will do everything in my power to lower the level of stupidity here. Keep in mind, however, I cannot control the outside influences of the subject matter I deal with on a daily basis. They are called Misfits for a reason.

    Thursday, August 4, 2011

    Our own Crisis

    Interestingly, a crisis that has been bubbling in the background here at FTI has suddenly and distinctly come to the forefront for our attention. Not unlike the recent budget battle in Congress over the US debt situation, their is an ideological split among our group on how to best proceed to meet the mandates of our original charter. Our crisis? An intellectual one. 

    Aligned on  one side of the controversy is the idiot faction; Gummo, the Balloon Boy, the Rat Bastard G, et al., who seem to think that the continuing contribution to intellectual enhancement of the Internet consists of posting 40 year old Beatles videos on Youtube.  The other side (best described as "illusory" thinkers ) are populated by Slateface and Dickey the Peap who feel the best way to demonstrate intellectual  prowess to our 2 faithful readers is to constantly belittle and make fun of me as Executive Director.   Neither faction, however, can claim superiority in their arguments as both groups are easily classified as dimwitted, slow, and in the Peap's case, cheap.  Regardless, it is my duty as Executive Director to listen to all of the advice given to me, evaluate it for it's usefulness, and then decide how to proceed. 

    Fortunately, the cheap-assed Board of Directors did allow me the option to pursue independent courses of action should I choose to when confronted with this exact type of situation.   Currently,  like the woman in Oklahoma has already done, I am leaning toward claiming that FTI is actually related to DB Cooper.  I hope it is true; it would explain the disappearance of any sign of intelligence all of this time.

    Tuesday, August 2, 2011

    Best filed under "Life, Get a"

    I know you have to be creative in order to get people to donate to your cause, but I seem to be missing the purpose here.  This actually mirrors my thought of stacking our ceremonial pointed hats atop one another in order to attain a new height record.  I think I will abandon that goal as well. 

    LONDON (Reuters) - A British attempt to set a new world record for the longest chain of brassieres was called off after volunteers got the lingerie in a twist. Campaigners at "Bra Chain" hoped to hook together over 100 miles of bras in Worcester to raise money for women's charities and beat the current world record of 166,000 linked brassieres, held by Australia.

    Volunteers, or "hookers," aimed to connect 200,000 bras, but were forced to quit at half that number when the undergarments became tangled in the boxes.

    "We underestimated the time it would take to get the bras out of their boxes and hooked together - there were bras all over the place," said Launa Walker at Bra Chain.

    "It does take a lot of time to assemble bras into a chain and after about nine hours of hooking them up we decided to call it a day," Walker told Reuters.

    "We are going to try it again -- we've learned a few tricks of the trade, now all that remains is to set a date," said Walker.

    Saturday, July 30, 2011

    Die, you little Bastard!

    The middle of summer is traditionally a time of slow events and, as a result, translates into a lower volume of commentary, analysis, and announcements.  .  There is, however, a small victory to be celebrated and noted here at FTI that I take much pleasure over:  I would like to formally announce the successful capture and death of  one lawn mole! 

    The little Bastard and his family have been playing havoc with the FT grounds for the past 3 years and I have been unsuccessfully battling him  to rid him from our compound.  Moles burrow underground in search of food (earthworms) and their resultant trails are unsightly.  Along the way as they are tunneling, they dig dirt up and leave a pile on top of the ground.  This raises havoc when trying to mow and is just  a pain in the ass.  I have been battling these guys for 3 years and have resolved myself that though I will never eliminate them, I do want to control them.  To date, my efforts have been unsuccessful and I was losing faith if I would ever win or not.  This one small victory, however, has re-charged my spirit and it is now , "Game On". 

    Doesn't take much to lift my spirits, huh?

    Thursday, July 28, 2011

    Financial crisis? Here's how to fix it.

    Unlike the current spending argument surrounding our nation's capital, we here at FTI have no such drama.    Our chief financial/safety officer, Mrs. Kfred simply issues the edict that "You will not be spending any more money" and that is the end of it.  No endless partisan bickering, no negotiations, no delayed mid-summer recess.  I have been given my marching orders; clearly and succinctly.  There are no worries of any type of household default or downgrading of my financial worthiness. 

    Should I choose to ignore this directive, my physical health status would definitely be affected.  And it wouldn't be for the good.   

    Wednesday, July 27, 2011

    And on a different subject

    Doesn't anyone think that the current budget crisis being presently debated in the US Congress is a lot of nothing?  It doesn't seem to be real tough to figure out what is happening:  we don't have enough money to keep spending on services we can't afford.    I'm just a simple guy whom can pretty plainly see the issue at hand.    And yet,  we keep getting the drama and denials by both sides that there is no compromising spirit from the other side. 

    It's sad.  We are all going to end up poorer for this  charade.  Yeah, people are going to feel the pinch and there are some people whom are going to suffer when this all ends.  Ultimately though, I think we have to get our financial  house in order and take our medicine.  We are going to probably feel a bit sicker before we get better.   It's not going to be easy.  But it is necessary. 

    Monday, July 25, 2011

    This is my reward after a busy week?

    I am back and firmly in control having spent the entire last week on super, special assignment. 

    First, it was the return after the Lost Reunion Tour II from the week prior.  As chronicled earlier, the LRT II was an overwhelming success and save for the one mistaken gender identity issue with the Rat Bastard, I would say it went off flawlessly. Upon my return, I was then thrown into a full 2-1/2 day visit and work session with my boss from Dilbertland; you know, my real job. All of that went extremely well, but it is time consuming. Following his departure, I was then called upon to assist in the yearly inventory function in Dilbertland that entails counting every part and widget that is ever produced, including those with real life-like dust and dirt! It's a great gig. As a small reward after this week, I told Mrs. Kfred to, "Pack it up, we are going away for the weekend".   I had earlier received a coupon in the mail from one of the hotels I stay at during the year offering a "Buy one night, the second is on Us" promotion.  Drawing on all of my knowledge gained from Dickie the Peap  over the years to recognize a good deal when I see one, I immediately booked my reservations and headed off.  I just hadn't realized how fast the place had declined since I last visited. 

    Oh well, it could have been worse.  It could have rained. 



       

    Tuesday, July 19, 2011

    Another Tour completed

    The Lost Reunion Tour II has ended and would have to be deemed as an unqualified success.  Our Tour bus did not break down, the lone scalper attempting to sell knock-off Tour sweater vests was promptly arrested (though, later released as it turns out he was actually paying people to take vests as there was no interest in people really wanting to buy them), and the Rat Bastard reportedly is once again exercising in the neighborhood with no shame or recrimination over his reputation. 

    My reunion went off without a hitch. I was able to reconnect with some classmates I literally hadn't seen in over 35 years. It was fun and exciting to see some of my old chums, but honestly, this is probably the last time I attend this sort of event. If I haven't seen these folks after all of these years, we aren't really that close and the folks I have seen more recently, I am not really that close with anyway.

    One event that did transpire during our tour is that I did run into a person I knew from 30 years ago when working at another job. They took the time to laboriously tell me how well they had been doing in real estate investment, how many rental houses he had accumulated, that he was his own boss, and drove a convertible--a 7 year old convertible, etc.  I took all of this in stride as it really wasn't meant to "rub it in", but, rather a proud moment for this guy.  That's OK.   I didn't try to trump him with my current status.  After all, I run FTI.  Now that is the pinnacle of success!    

    Saturday, July 16, 2011

    A bit fussy, aren't you?

    I am currently bunking with the Rat Bastard G as our room reservation arrangements got mixed up while we are presently conducting the Lost Reunion Tour II. The Rat Bastard is easy to get along with as a roommate, however, as documented here on many occasions, his thought processes and mis-firing of brain synapses are their own case studies worthy of further research.

    One interesting event that I helped formulate may, however, serve to confuse this issue just a bit more.   Between our daily performances we both choose to get a bit of morning exercise. This entails a 6 am or so morning walk in the neighborhood of around 2-3 miles to get the day started. Of the 2 days we have done this so far, I have encountered an elderly lady walking her dog. After our first day's walk, we had walked in to 7-11 to get a couple cups of coffee and head back. She looked at the 2 middle aged men in walking shorts and black socks thinking, "here are a couple of queens", and yet, politely said, "that coffee sure looks good". Yesterday morning, we repeat our exercise regimen again, but this time, the Rat Bastard opts out of the coffee and said he is going back. I decide I want coffee, go to 7-11 and figure I will buy the Rat Bastard one anyway, and begin to head back  juggling 2 hot coffees, when I run into her again. This time, she remarks "Where's your other half?" I was put back a bit, but decided that I could cement the Rat Bastard's reputation in the neighborhood by just answering, "Oh, he's waiting for me back at the house".  

    As I explained to the Rat Bastard, I don't live in his neighborhood.  He has seen this particular woman on other occasions before and,  from now on, will be viewed as a member of the "diverse" community (not that anything is wrong with that.).    His lady's man reputation has not suffered on bit, except with one little old lady.  And that's Okay.  Maybe he can walk with her later, together.  She with her dog.  The Rat Bastard with his cat.   

    Wednesday, July 13, 2011

    Tour stuff here! Buy a memory of the show!


    Atypical of my experience and expectations, I am in the final stages of launching the Lost Reunion Tour II today. Of course, the fact that the idiot Rat Bastard G made a key scheduling error will not deter us from the goal of having some fun. To recount the phone conversation:

    RB G: Uh, before you say anything, I have some good news and some bad news.
    Me: Uh-huh.
    RB G: We're gonna have some more time to bond together.
    Me: I don't need any of that. What's the good news?
    RB G: Hold it! That is the good news!
    Me: What's the bad news?
    RB G: The Thorogood show is next week.
    Me: You're an idiot.

    The Rat Bastard had secured 2 tickets to a George Thorogood show and was planning, I assume, to demonstrate to me his competence and progress in advancing toward his goal of normalcy. After I booked my ticket, after I scheduled my vacation days from Dilbertland, and after I had gotten the green light from Mrs. Kfred to engage in this nonsense, did this key piece of info that the Thorogood show is on the 20th, not the 13th, surface.

    On a brighter note, the Rat Bastard did notify me that our two official tour sweater vests did arrive safely and as ordered. Pictured above for your reference, you will note there are no graphics or gaudy printing on the vests. As the tour will only visit one city during one date, the Rat Bastard went ahead and hand-printed the date and city on the back with an indelible Sharpie.

    Hey George, I don't need to spend $25 bucks for your lousy concert t-shirt. I have a vest that also looks good with a shirt and tie combo when I go to work. I just have to wear a coat to cover the back of it.

    Monday, July 11, 2011

    And the ice maker is Free



    Wanting to do as much as possible for the local economy, Mrs. Kfred and I did our part yesterday on a lark and decided to spread a few dollars around by making a major purchase. Deciding that these kind of decisions are best made on a whim, we threw all caution to the wind, and decided, "ah, what the hell? Let's do it." Was it something fun, glamorous, and involved tickets to some far off locale? Nope. Something exotic, extravagant, and over the top? Hmm-mm. Ok, maybe something that would be interpreted as a midlife crisis type of issue and involve a new car? Not even close. Our purchase of choice? A refrigerator.

    The FTI auxiliary meat-locker/beer cooler located inside the motor pool storage facility here at FTI suddenly met a mysterious demise this past week. I had suspected things were not right during my daily sampling and testing of the grain based sacraments earlier in the week.  Though Germans prefer to consume these sacraments at room temperature, I have never shared that same affinity.  Keeping with FTI tradition of excellence of deep analysis, careful consideration, painstaking research, and exhaustive testing, I realized the warm pickles were probably a good indicator that the 18 year old Amana had given up the ghost. 
    Thinking we could probably move forward without an auxiliary  unit, I was quickly and decidedly shown the errors of my thought process by Mrs. Kfred and immediately  headed for Lowes.  Within 10 minutes of entering the store, we became  the proud parents of a healthy, humming, cute Frigidaire. Congratulations. 

    Note to Fourth of July picnic guests:  Hope you are recovering from the mysterious stomach ailments.  Since none of you wanted to take it with you, we had to throw out the creme cheesecake.   

    Sunday, July 10, 2011

    It's Sunday Brunch

    Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and I am tired.   We get a day off too, you know, so,  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

    Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

    See you tomorrow.

    Saturday, July 9, 2011

    Never pick on a guy named Ali

    If you ever wanted a feel good story, this is it.

    I guess reading is not a requirement for this set.

    Wednesday, July 6, 2011

    Please enter it now

    Just a quick observation today:  Efficiency at some organizations never seems to work the way it is planned.   I have a perfect example.

    I just got off of the phone with a customer service representative of the investment house where I keep my Roth IRA account. I have been saving throughout the year and made a small deposit  in order to hopefully insure my financial well-being after I retire someday from Dilbertland. (My account is nothing on the massive scale like Dickey the Peap's, but, hopefully it will grow to something large enough to keep the wolf away from the door in my old age. I would be happy with a simple 1/10 of the little miser's worth.)

    Anyways, as I call them, I am instructed to "please enter your account number" into the phone so they may access my records. I dutifully perform that task and then am informed that "all client service representatives are busy with other callers and my call will be answered in the order of which it was received." OK, I can hang out for a few seconds. Sure enough, the guy then gets on the phone and asks me for my account number.   I already gave it to you! Why are you asking for it again?

    It's really no big deal in the end; certainly nothing to get grumpy with the person on the other end of the line with whom you are trying to get assistance.  I give him my account number, he confirms my social security number, I get my problem resolved, and that is the end of it.  I do not understand his step of the process if it isn't going to be used during the process.  I have, however, decided to use it as an assistance tool whenever I get service issue calls from any of the Misfits here at FTI.  Upon calling, they are instructed to identify their particular FTI classification in order to best meet their needs.  Push  1 for Idiot, 2 for Numb-o, or 3 for Stooge.  Of course, all of their calls are ignored.   

    It makes us much more efficient. 
     

        

    Monday, July 4, 2011

    Have a Happy Fourth




    We're drinking beer and having a good time today.  We'll be back tomorrow. 

    Sunday, July 3, 2011

    It's Sunday before the Fourth

    Hey c'mon, it's the Sunday before the Fourth and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

    Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

    The weekly struggle begins again Tuesday as we are celebrating the Fourth as well with a bunch of beer. See you then.

    Saturday, July 2, 2011

    Dial 911 only in emergencies

    I enjoyed a lunch and a game of golf with Dickey the Peap the other day. And, of course, I paid. To be accurate, I paid for lunch and the beer on the course. The little miser did claim to pay for my greens fees, but, I do suspect he probably browbeat the guy in the proshop so much that he let two of us play for the price of one just to get rid of him. Regardless, we played a round of golf and had an enjoyable afternoon.

    During our play, Dickey did relate a story to me that I found to be very ironic. He and Mrs. Peap are doing some updating in their own home and were collecting bids for some new shades and window treatment accessories. A woman from a national chain store came to their house, did the appropriate measurements, and gave them a bid of well over $10K to do the various windows. Obviously, the poor woman didn't know whom she was dealing with and immediately suspected a medical case as the frugal one immediately developed profuse sweating, rapid heart beat, and shortness of breath. Suspecting an imminent heart attack, she immediately dialed 911 to summon medical assistance as she was sure our boy was going to die as he couldn't speak or make any coherent sense while trying to communicate and then suddenly passed out. Upon examination by emergency medical personnel, it was determined to be another  false alarm and nothing more than a good scare. The medical professionals on the scene noted in their call logs that this was another response to this same address as the countless ones performed before.  As a result, they have made a note  for use by the dispatchers when concerning any future emergency calls at this location:  AMMONIA CAPSULES USELESS WHEN USED TO REVIVE PATIENT;  PATIENT INSTANTANEOUSLY RESPONDS TO ROLLED DOLLAR BILLS , INSTEAD.  SUGGEST PERSONNEL FIRST STOP AT BANK WHEN RESPONDING TO THIS LOCATION.

    Thursday, June 30, 2011

    If you can't say anything nice......

    I have increasingly become concerned with the tone and civility of comments written by people on the internet to one another.  A number of news story  or opinion pieces articles have a section allowing for readers to comment and leave their thoughts.  I have wide interests and enjoy reading different stories to gain knowledge.    It's the comments, though, that tend to make me a bit disappointed. 

    The fact that someone may misspell a word or use grammatically incorrect phrasing and language is, in my mind, no reason to attack the author of the comments.  It's fair to attack the argument; but,  not fair to attack the author personally.  We all don't have to agree on a single subject; there are various viewpoints.  Every issue has two sides to it; it's my job to investigate both sides and make my own determination.  Then, once I decide, I can sit back and read other people's positions, but, I don't have to feel I am superior to them.  I just disagree.  That's all. 

    A majority of the subject material displayed here rarely generates comments or criticism for accuracy as everything is fully vetted through the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe before publication.  Oh sure, Dickey the Peap will consistently try to defend his short-armed ways when his practices are exposed periodically.  (The telling fact that the little miser still has yet to voluntarily buy lunch without intense prodding and therapy speaks volumes, but, we won't go down that path.)   By and large, though, my job is to observe, analyze, and report.  The fact that the personal attributes of the aforementioned Peap, Gummo, the Balloon Boy, the Rat Bastard G,  or any of the other Misfits happen to be  a) cheap;  b)  idiotic; or  c) mentally deficient,  has nothing to do with it.  They can't help it.  That's why they are here.   

    Cue the snarky, smart-assed comments in 3...2.... 1

    Tuesday, June 28, 2011

    Hey, how come we don't have any roadies?

    Rehearsals and planning are currently underway as I prepare for this year's edition of the Lost Reunion Tour II scheduled for later in July with the Rat Bastard G, the Green Comic,  and Gummo, the Balloon Boy. 

    Though  last year's  initial run was an overall success, my desire is that I can somehow improve and build upon the event in order to strengthen it for years to come.  Some of my plans include witnessing the Rat Bastard croon some new karaoke material of old Frank Sinatra ballads,  thumbing through some old obscure Reader's Digest's from the '70's with the Green Comic to find some Laughter, the Best Medicine stories he can steal and use as his own, and attending an advanced balloon-tying art class with Gummo, the Balloon Boy, to show support as he advances his craft.   On a personal level, I hope to attend an all class high school reunion with some of the other fossils of my class from a million years ago and even catch a George Thorogood concert as well.  All of this with in a short 4 days time window. 

    Advance interest as evidenced by advance ticket sales appears to be minimal.  This tour will not be canceled, however.    The Rat Bastard cleaned the carpets anticipating my arrival.  I wouldn't want to disappoint him.   

    Sunday, June 26, 2011

    It's Sunday Brunch

    Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

    Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

    The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

    Saturday, June 25, 2011

    Is this where "inner peace" is found?

    Some people go to the mountains, the beach, or even just under a tree in the backyard to find solitude.  I didn't know this was such a tranquil setting. 
     
    BOULDER, Colo. — Police in Colorado have arrested a 30-year-old man accused of hiding in the tank of a portable toilet at a yoga festival last week.

    Kim Kobel of Boulder police says Luke Ivan Chrisco was arrested during an unrelated panhandling investigation Thursday. Police say an officer noticed his resemblance to the toilet suspect, and Chrisco was taken into custody after he was interviewed by a Boulder detective.
    Police believe he was the man discovered in the toilet at the festival in Boulder by a woman who lifted the lid. A man who checked said he saw someone covered in a tarp inside.

    A festival security officer says he chased a man who eventually emerged, but the suspect slipped away. The man was covered in human waste.

    Chrisco faces misdemeanor charges of unlawful sexual contact and criminal invasion of privacy.

    Wednesday, June 22, 2011

    The low-cost alternative

    I recently discovered that Spirit Airlines is running a huge promotion in which they are offering one way fares to Las Vegas from my market for $9 each way. $9! Now, that sounds like a pretty good deal and I thought I would check it out a bit. Competitive airlines are charging $109, so,  even if I didn't go, I would book the flight and only be out a $20 bill if Mrs. Kfred and I changed our plans.

    I have been mildly aware of Spirit as a low cost airlines, but, really didn't know their whole concept. Digging a bit deeper into the details and fine print, I figured there would be a few rules and restrictions but, wow, I had no idea. Yes, the fare is $9 each way per person. Want to actually sit on the plane? The ability to select a seat costs a minimum of $10 with the option to move up to a $50 "big seat" with more room.  (I guess you can't opt out of the seat selection process and opt to stand the whole flight and save money.  They charge you anyway.)    Bringing only a carry-on so you don't have to check luggage through and avoid the baggage charge? Uh-huh. That's a ten-spot, as well.  They are actually charging you to put stuff in the overhead bin!  Feeling like a big spender and figuring you will go ahead and check your flippers and snorkel anyway?  Yow!    That's another $30 per bag one way!   Additionally, the others fees, taxes, and government charges boosted it up another $74.  Suddenly, the deal didn't look so hot. 

    I ultimately decided to pass on this offer, but, was a bit inspired with the thinking  and am considering adopting it here as a new FTI business model.  Admittedly, our work here is free as we enjoy our  non-profit status for tax purposes, however, I did extend the ideas a bit to our own methods in order to cover costs. For example, our initial analysis on any issue or situation would be free.  Do you  want it accurately identified?  $50, please.    Produced in a timely manner?  An extra $25 charge is added to the bottom line.  Roll out the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe for an honest confirmation?  That's another $100.  I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. These kind of gimmicks just tend to turn people off.  Just give me a good bottom line price and quit nickel and diming people to death.  I have, however, instructed our financial department to offer one incentive to any future customer should they come our way:  any  deep analysis by Gummo, the Balloon Boy, would be free.     He never sits down to think clearly.   

    Monday, June 20, 2011

    A little victory lap

    Have you ever had the feeling of having the cloud just lifted from you?  Suddenly, your world is viewed through an entirley different lens.  The little nagging things are no longer a bother; they are an inconvenience.  The bothers are now a challenge; they are something that can be corrected with a bit of work.   And the hopeless issues have disappeared.  They have now reverted to a challenge; again, something to be corrected with a bit of hard work.    That's it.  Nothing more. 

    That's how I feel today.  Father's Day was relaxing, quiet, and stress free.  I actually will celebrate with my two fine sons, daughter-in-law, and Mrs. Kfred this evening.  I can get on with my life and fully intend to do so.  I can now turn my attention back to my work here at the Institute knowing full well I will not have a distraction in my life.  It's over.  We won. 

    Sunday, June 19, 2011

    It's Father's Day Sunday

    Hey c'mon, it's Father's Day Sunday. We get a day off too, you know. I'm not going out to Sunday Brunch today, but, rather celebrating tomorrow with Kfred Jr's. 1 and 2.

    Just like Sunday Brunch, though,  most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

    The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

    Saturday, June 18, 2011

    VICTORY!

    It is 5:30 am on a Saturday morning. I have slept approximately a total of 4 hours last night and write these words in an excited, giddy state. I am still stunned and shocked.  The FTI Dopes trial is over and we have been judged as victors! We Won!

    More importantly, not only have my neighbors and I won in our ongoing suit with the developer in our fight as chronicled here earlier, we won on all of the points we filed suit over and were also awarded attorney's fees!. Shifty, our lawyer, has told us from the very beginning it would be doubtful that attorney fees are ever awarded, it just doesn't happen.   Usually, most judges hear a case, decide it's merits, and render a decision with the thought that both sides pay their attorney fees to sort it out.  In our case, however, not only did the judge find in our favor, but announced that we had also been "substantially damaged" and ruled we were entitled to attorney's fees. Like, in upward of $150,000 in attorney's fees and this thing is not completely finished yet attorney's fees!  Now, I don't think for a minute that there is going to be a big ceremonial Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes check with my name and the 150,000 smackers printed on the front of it. More likely, we are going to end up with some property liens and long term claims of monies owed.  But, that's OK.  This was never about money. It was about doing the right thing. 

    I have voiced my concerns with the American legal system and all of it's weaknesses in the past.  It is not speedy; it is not efficient; and it is not easy.  And sometimes, it is not right. But this time; this time, it was right.  Not because I was the victor; rather, because an obvious wrong had been committed.  20 or so good, decent, people had been wronged by one individual.    And the wrong was corrected.  As it should have.        

    Thursday, June 16, 2011

    Today in history

    The FTI Dopes Trial resumes today where we left off from last week.  I am so anxious for this to all end  as I am unsure how much longer I can be asked to support the Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous type billings I am receiving from Shifty, the lawyer, to conduct this nonsense.  Shifty is doing a great job, but My God, this is costing WAY more than I ever dreamed.  Now, I am convinced it is the right thing to do, but it is expensive.  How expensive is it?  Let's just say this:  I am seriously studying the habits of Dickey the Peap (including the the thought of having elective surgery to shorten my arms so as to have difficulty reaching for a tab at dinnertime) in order to make ends meet.  Now that is drastic!  

    On a totally unrelated note, the calendar reveals it is once again the second day past Flag Day ( or as we call it, Flag Day +2).  This can only mean one thing:  it is the Rat Bastard's Birthday.     Happy Birthday to our own oafish character.   He is a good sport to take the ribbing I direct his way with rarely a protest.  Admittedly, part of this is due to his inability to comprehend the written word; regardless, I note his birthday and salute him as well.  Happy Birthday, Partner.    

    Tuesday, June 14, 2011

    Our own Michael Jordan?

    I currently am engaged in the middle of an investigation that could become scandalous and cause undue embarrassment to us here at FTI.  Ripped from today headlines, a similar event is brewing in which I am trying to sort out the details.

    Recently, photographs of  Dickey the Peap, pictured  in a mirror wearing nothing but his underwear and flashing a handful of $5 bills, were discovered.   The embarrassment and shame of being compromised in such a manner is overwhelming to all of us.  This comes at a particularly unsettling time for the little miser as his continued insistence of not having sufficient funds to ever buy lunch has always been his out at tab-time. 

    The little, short-armed one denied any knowledge of this whole affair, but, the facts don't add up and I immediately am placing him on an unpaid suspension until the facts become clearer.   As a result of this incident, he has agreed to go away for a short while to get some help.  Apparently, the Fruit of the Loom people  are contemplating legal action as well.  They're mad because they are now being referred to in some circles as "Nuts of the Loom".  Figuratively and literally.

    Sunday, June 12, 2011

    Time for Sunday Brunch

    Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and I am tired.   We get a day off too, you know, so,  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

    Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

    The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

    Saturday, June 11, 2011

    Yes. That's my mark.

    My time on the witness stand is over.  In continuation of this week's theme and to cap our nearly 3 year drama, I had studied, researched, and prepared for countless hours for my turn to tell my story.  In the end, it all went so fast I didn't get a chance to relay all of the damning, smoking gun stuff I had accumulated.  Shifty threw me some softball questions he had shared with me in advance, so, I knew what was coming   His 30 minutes of questioning and confirming of my earlier deposition was fairly routine.  He did throw in a few last minute questions that surprised me only in the fact I didn't know they were coming and knocked me off center a bit as I had mentally prepared the sequence of events, but, it really was no big deal.  Then, I got to go face-to-face with Ms. Ding-a-Ling.  And it was game on. 

    During this whole ordeal, I have been cast as one of either "instigators" or "ringleaders" of the plaintiffs.  (I actually prefer the term "Head 'Mo-Fo' in Charge", but, feel that may be a bit disrespectful in a courtroom setting which relates to another incident, but, I digress.)   Ms. Ding-a-Ling  approached the podium with her disorganized book of shit loaded for bear with her fangs bared.  I knew this was coming and felt confident, so, really wasn't too fazed over the whole event.  I was prepared to tell the truth and had proof to back it up.   Instead of opening me with a "Good Morning" or other type of  greeting, she immediately launches into a, "Now isn't it true......." line of questioning that puts a spin on an incident to make her client look favorable.  If you ever encounter a lawyer phrasing a question as "isn't it true?", I recommend you listen very carefully before answering because it most probably is not.  For the next approximate 30 minutes, we parried back and forth  and I held my ground consistently.  Then, out came the documents.

    The whole basis of this lawsuit has been the denial of documents that pertain to a homeowners association.  State laws require that members be able to view them and examine them with reasonable advance notice.  I and my fellow plaintiffs have not ever been able to do so because they NEVER GOD DAMN EXISTED!   She gave me an exhibit "labeled as defendants number xx" and announced that it was a copy of an email sent to me by her client with a response by me in return.   I answered it looked similar to something I had.  "Similar?!  What do you mean similar?  This is an email with your response.  Is it your testimony that you have never seen or was not sent this document?" Now, her voice went up a full octave and the decibel level had risen a few points as well on that question.  I pulled out my copy and answered that it was indeed similar, but, not identical as mine had an additional paragraph from her client that had been removed that changed the whole meaning of the document.  Other than the deletion, the balance was the same.  I have to admit she didn't visibly flinch, but it definitely caught her off guard.  She immediately pulled out another document and asked me to authenticate it.  "Well, this one is different as well as it deletes your involvement in some of these incidents as well."  "My involvement??"  "Yes, see here.  My copy says these were "drafted by the attorney to protect", etc.  Your copy doesn't have the words, 'by the attorney'."  It was at this point the light went on that most of the shit she had copies of from the idiot developer have been doctored.   Like Lt. Tragg from the old Perry Mason series, I knew which document was mine.   The discovery earlier by other plaintiffs of this same type of behavior definitely was showing a pattern.  And I don't think she wanted to continue to be embarrassed. 

    In the end, I was told it was the first time most people had seen a witness actually do better with the defense attorney that with their own attorney.  (I am not sure that was a compliment.) Shifty said I did a good job, but, that I owed the judge an apology.  I asked why and he mentioned that I had referred to the judge as "That guy".  Now, I do remember the comment as it was in the heat of testimony and I was feeling a bit frustrated with  Ms. Ding-a-Ling.  I was trying to explain something to her that she had been badgering me over and I started to speak faster and did indeed say that;  not to imply his lack of importance, rather, as a reference to whom were were speaking.  Anyway, after my testimony, I did make an apology in court to the judge for my comment and explained there was certainly no disrespect intended.     He graciously accepted it and that was the end of it.  I imagine he has been called worse before.

    We're STILL not done.  We resume next Thursday and hopefully will be done then or on Friday.  Shifty won't commit  to a guess whether we will win or not, but, he does give a good pep talk.  I can't see how we will lose, but I am sure the other side feels the same.  I wish this was over.

    Thursday, June 9, 2011

    Objection overruled

    Alas, My Perry Mason moment did not occur yesterday. 

    As is typical of this entire story, everything got bogged down due to the inefficiency of Ms. Ding-a-ling and her rambling, unfocused, and belligerent questioning of some of my fellow plaintiffs.  As a result, I kept being pushed back later in the schedule and now am supposed to be first up to bat today. 

    Yesterday did have some interesting moments as there were 2 incidents of altered documents uncovered.  One of my fellow plaintiffs was accused of parking his RV on his own property visible from the street (Whoop!  Thats a violation!) 6 months in advance of even having purchased it!  Ms. Ding-a-Ling pulled an instant 180 when it was discovered and that was the end of it.  I can't read the judge in all of this as he has a cold, stony, pokerface.  Shifty assures me that he has a brilliant mind and is taking this all into account as it occurs.  I hope so, because if I lose this thing,  I and my fellow plaintiffs, are going to be on the hook for a shitload of money in attorney fees.     

    I write this with cold, clammy fingers; not from nervousness, rather excitement.  I cannot wait to tell my story and actually mix it up a bit with Ms. Ding-a-ling.  I hope no one wants to shake my hand. 

    Wednesday, June 8, 2011

    Do you swear to tell the truth............

    Well, today is the day.  My explosive, blow this case wide open, God-Country-Applepie and Motherhood moment is upon me.  I get to tell my story after 5 years of nonsense. 

    That is, of course, my Walter Mitty moment. Actually, I do know that a lot of court action is a slow, boring, monotonous passing of time.  I have refreshed, reminded, and restudied all of the salient parts of my story to present in a clear and concise manner.   I have to guard against becoming emotional and angry because, though, it makes good TV, it really is not effective in court.  You want to be factual, cool, and ultimately, devastating.  

    I can't wait. 

    Tuesday, June 7, 2011

    It was Tuesday; we were talking to a guy........

    Not to be confused with the historical landmark 1925 Scopes Monkey Trial, in anticipation of the upcoming FTI Dopes Trial, I had a dream last night that I was being questioned. Instead of being cross-examined by Miss Ding-a-Ling, the defense attorney, I was subjected to a Dragnet like inquiry and examination by someone. I didn't recognize the character and  I do not expect this type of treatment  in real life when I testify tomorrow, but, it was kind of odd. I'm not the one being accused of wrong doing.  I have done nothing wrong. 

    "So, you are the guy that founded this "Institute".  Is that right?"
    "Yeah, What of it? "
    "What do you do there?  What's it's purpose?"
    "It's designed to advance and share some alternative thinking."
    "How's that?"
    "Look, I just observe what I see and write about it.  Nothing more.  I can't help that these guys are idiots." 
    "Yeah?"
    "Yeah." 
    "Look,  Mr. "Executive Director".  It's people like you who make fun of the Gummos, the Rat Bastard's, the Dickie the Peap's of the world. You whine about their actions within your little organization;  the weak-minded, the mentally feeble, the cheapest of them.  You created them. You collected them. Now, they are yours.  You own them.   Got it?"
    "But,  I never thought I would end up being responsible for them!"
    "No,  I bet you didn't, smart guy.  Sure it's easy to deny any responsibility; take cheap shots, embarrass this group.  Point out their weaknesses.   But in the end, it's guys like you  that guys like me have to clean up after."
    "Yeah, how?"
    "We use them for stiffs in the morgue.  They're dead from the head up anyway."

    Monday, June 6, 2011

    Call your first witness

    I am in earnest preparation for the upcoming FTI Dopes Trial which is scheduled to begin today. Pre-trial motions and arguments are scheduled to be heard this morning over which evidence will be allowed and which will be excluded with testimony starting tomorrow. I am scheduled to testify on Wednesday.

    I have purposely been vague over this whole matter and decided until the last minute to discuss the whole issue. (The attentive reader will remember the significance of this post from a year ago. I feel the same way today.) In a nutshell: The FTI compound is located in an area that is governed by a Home Owners Association  (HOA). I decided to locate the Institute here with the understanding that some day I could employ my Executive Director experiences to help lead and direct this group of neighbors and (as time has worn on through this process,) friends.   The guy I bought the property from is very reluctant to give up control of his little kingdom and has made life very difficult for the entire community to the point that a lawsuit was filed to end the nonsense.  To date, collectively a bit more than $130K  has been expended in legal fees by our group of 16 to fight this clown.  (I will let you do the  math to determine it has been a BUNCH of money to Shifty, our lawyer.)   Anyways, after nearly  3 years of delays, denials, and deferrals,  (see, I know how to play the legal game) the stage is set.  We get our day in court. 

    I offered the services of the FTI Truthometer Deluxe for use in the courtroom to help determine the truth should any conflicts arise.  I was politely rebuffed as it was considered to be a prejudicial piece of equipment.  Prejudicial?  Old, slow, confusing, and ill-informed, maybe.  (Wow,  I just realized that describes Dickie the Peap, as well.)  But prejudiced?  No way. 

    Truth, justice, and the American Way.  It's not the easiest, the cheapest,  or the most efficient.  It is, however, the best.

    Thursday, June 2, 2011

    Blackberrys are for jam, not talking

    Having successfully transferred all of the information and converted my old phone with all of the necessary settings back for use as my primary form of communication, I am now ready to once again join the digital world. 

    Back in November, the folks at Dilbertland forced me to purchase a new Blackberry or iPhone as my primary communication device.  This mandate  was made because of an upgrade in the internal email system in Dilbertland and the requirement of an outside support vendor to record other information that was not compatible with the model of phone I owned at the time.  The problem with this requirement was that there was no corresponding allowance or  compensation given to us to convert to something else.  Any purchases made to meet the mandate was to be made at own expense.   (Subsequent research indicates that the Dilbertland Chief Financial officer is a distant cousin of our own Dickie the Peap.  Cheap truly does  run through family bloodlines.)  I was in the middle of a phone contract and was forced to either break the contract and pay all of the attending exit fees or buy another phone to replace a perfectly working one at the time.  Not happy with this dilemma, but, having no choice in the matter, I opted to buy the Blackberry Storm 2 which I recommend no one to ever, ever, buy as  a phone of choice.   I had  chip on my shoulder going in and never embraced the Blackberry system as so many people have. 

    Knowing that  the FTI IT team (the most despised department at FTI) didn't have the knowledge, ability, or lucidity to assist me in figuring out how to make the other phone compatible with all of the corporate requirement, I finally figured out a way that I can ditch the Blackberry and go back to what I had before when I was happy; when life was good; when I was satisfied.  I wonder if I can employ those same methods in dealing with the Misfits.     

    Tuesday, May 31, 2011

    I'm back in the Saddle again

    Safely ensconced back  here at the FTI Executive Directors Living Quarters, I have assumed full duties and responsibilities after my 13 day excursion. Fortunately, nothing of any meaningful significance occurred (TRANSLATION: Same old, same old) which I give complete and total credit to my able-bodied Assistant/Trustee, Giacommo for his steady hand at the FTI wheel while I was gone. Good job, son. I  do note that the fluid levels in the bottles of the ceremonial Executive Director sacraments were noticeably lower, but do accept your explanation of testing the effects of evaporation in the atmosphere and your experimentations, therein.   (Regardless, I am recommending to the cheap-assed Board of Directors that his status be upgraded to Assistant Director in Waiting, Level 2. Though certainly not an increase in any type of compensation, the prestige and title alone should allow him to take advantage of the super prices offered on any mattress at any of the 100's of locations of  the Sleep Universe superstores located across the United States. Congratulations.) 

    So back at it I begin.  The Rat Bastard is incommunicado, Slateface has had a birthday and Dickie the Peap, ever thinking of ways to save money,  suggested I wait until after his birthday to see if I could get a card half off.  I failed to point out to the  little miser that the greeting card industry has developed a product known as a "Belated Birthday" greeting to combat this type of thinking, but alas, these are the condition under which I work.  In other words, nothing has changed.  I just got a 13 day reprieve, that's all.  I'll take it.