Monday, August 31, 2009
Regardless, this incident inspired the rest of the think tank members (whom avoided this spat so not to violate their conditions of parole) to locate a graphic that pretty much says it all. It is displayed here for your review, convenience, and ease of identification.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
During the mind-numbing research performed early each morning, I stumbled upon this article that suggests that someone can make between (I swear this is true) $5000 to $7000 a month at home doing nothing! It is a story about Mary Steadman who is making this dough just working 10 hours a week by doing nothing more than "posting links for Google." That's it. Nothing else. It all depends on how many links you posted online. They give you the website links to post and all you do is start posting those links. Google tracks everything.
The article has proof by displaying actual checks which, I assume, belong to Mary. (EDITORS NOTE: Mary must be a closet introvert because even though she is telling her story and bragging about her riches, she doesn't want anyone to see her name on the check.) Anyway, as I was just about to join Mary in creating my own financial wealth empire, I happened to scroll down to the bottom of the page and saw all of the fine print. Apparently:
- Testimonials do not typically result.
- Photographs or images are depiction of individuals and payment methods. These income examples are representative of some of the most successful participants in the program.
- Some individuals purchasing the program may make little or NO MONEY AT ALL(EDITOR'S NOTE: their emphasis). These claims are not a guarantee of your income, nor are they typical of average participants.
- Individual results will vary greatly and in accordance to your input, determination, hard work, and ability to follow directions.
- No person or company can guarantee profits or freedom from loss.
- Google is in no way associated with this website.
What the Hell?? You mean I could make less? Google is not associated, but you make money posting Google links. Huh? All of a sudden, this sure fire thing didn't look so hot if for no other reason than this is the type of creative, innovative, thinking we employ here at FTI. I know the personal riches I gain from that activity. And, I wouldn't want to be greedy.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
The FTI has a charitable Foundation Arm that is used to promote and further the cause of continuing Flatline Thinking. The funds accruing in our internal slush fund are not scheduled to be invested with this firm, however. Somehow, I think they ought to think about hiring a competent copy editor before soliciting money from us.
Friday, August 28, 2009
A video is floating around that is purported to be physical evidence that Michael Jackson actually faked his own death and is, in fact, still alive. As the Truthometer Deluxe is a 1950's model, it does not have the ability to analyze video proof. We did, however, input this information orally via one of our trusted subjects and immediately the machine confirmed that this story could not possible be true.
After studying this video for hours, our FTI research personnel began to collect and input as much information as possible of celebrities whom were big at one time but have have been out of the spotlight lately. We again orally relayed our findings and conclusions as to this person's true identity into the Truthometer Deluxe. Confirmed as accurate and truthful, we came to the same conclusion: the person viewed in the video is really Jackson's arch nemesis and lifetime rival, Gary Coleman.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
While recently conducting a conference (similar to a long time ago in a storage room while drinking cheap sauterne cooking wine) with one of our independent outside thinkers, Rat Bastard G, the subject of honesty came up. None of us know this individual's actual name. Through the years he has been known as Linebacker, Amazon, Partner, etc., however his true name has never been revealed and is unknown. After much prodding, he did admit that his given name can be anagramed into "Affirm Gay Clue." This was accomplished by the use of this tool.
Though making no judgments, this analysis confirms our suspicions about this individual's habits and predilections. We are pleased to announce that by including the Rat Bastard, our diversity goal has been met and his inclusion is welcomed.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
I have never been a fan of the Kennedy's, but, do note this morning's announcement of the passing of Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy. I didn't agree with most of his politics, but, do offer praise for his work to further Civil Rights and to help his sister with her work for the Special Olympics program. With that said, however, I don't believe we should have an elected official in the same office for over 47 years. I believe they lose touch with the average person, jussssst a bit.
On the other hand, you have the idiot Republican Governor of South Carolina. This guy spent state money while having an extramarital affair, got caught, and won't resign. Nice. Once you get elected, whatever is proper and correct goes out the window.
Is it a wonder the American people are fed up with politics as usual?
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
The recent hot weather has taken a toll on the productivity and creativeness of the FTI thinktank personnel. During a recent brainstorming session, it was suggested that a pool party here at the compound would be a real fun way to reinvigorate the group, help reignite the creative thinking so prevalent here, and, of course beat the heat. As a result, we had the party recently and morale has soared ever since.
While viewing the various pictures of the event, our Director of Institute Safety, Mrs. Kfred, noticed an obvious violation that could cause harm to all involved. She chose this one picture to highlight during the safety segment of this morning's meeting and used it as a training exercise for everyone by asking all attendees if they saw anything wrong with this picture. She did this to keep our focus on safety as vigilant as ever.
Though the guesses of "the metal legs of the table could puncture the pool liner," "those guys look like they aren't using the proper level of sunscreen," and "unwashed sandals can spread athlete's foot" were noteworthy, they weren't the most egregious error in judgment. See if you can spot the violation in question.
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Never use glass bottles around a pool area! *
"Yes. In the back."
"Uh, science dude, I have this gnarly rash and I was wonderin'......"
Monday, August 24, 2009
The FTI Compound is located in a mostly rural county in my state. There isn't a lot of industry here and is one that has traditionally relied on natural resources and it's related industry to shoulder the taxing load. With the current economic downtrend, the local factories have cut shifts, been sold, or moved out of the area in order to compete. As a result, housing values have dropped, we have the 2nd highest unemployment in the state, and there is a general malaise to the economy. Therefore, when I opened the official "Assessor's Notice Of Value Change For Taxes Payable In 2009", I assumed that our property tax responsibility would be somewhat less. Negative. Instead, my duly elected county official sent me an official greeting announcing that the total assessed value had increased 13% over prior year! Let me give you a snapshot of my area Mr Assessor: The home next door is currently going through a short sale after being on the market for 20 months; a home 1/4 of a mile away sold after being foreclosed; an over the top, more house than anyone would buy, 2 times over priced, shrine-on-the-hill built by Alfred E. Neuman's nephew begs for visitors (let alone buyers), and yet, my assessed value goes up??
Right now, I am waiting for someone to drive up in a non-descript white Chevy Malibu with the county crest on the side to tell me this is all a big joke. I hope they get here pretty quick.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
With apologies to Ernest Thayer
Oh! here in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing loudly and here the hearts are light,
And right now men are laughing and loudly the children shout;
As there is great joy in Mudville -- J Swinger has removed all doubt!
Mrs. Kfred and I were overjoyed to learn that Kfred Jr. 1 (aka J Swinger)and his longtime girlfriend, Goldilocks, have announced their engagement to be married! She is a beautiful young woman, smart, talented, and ambitious. We love them both very much and are very proud to welcome her to our family.
This event serves double purpose as Kfred Jr. 2 can now achieve a lifelong goal: Attend a wedding, be allowed to drink to excess, and face no recrimination.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
As an in-your-face affront to the environment, high gas prices, and the green crowd, the SUV (with our Central Research, Analysis, and Policy (CRAP) logo emblazoned on both sides) draws considerable attention from other drivers. Regardless, I had scheduled the CRAP vehicle for a routine oil change and replacement of the rear brake pads at the local shop. These were both items that I was monitoring, had budgeted $175 for completion, and expected to be finished in 2 hours. Imagine my surprise when the shop called and noted that in addition, the front brakes and rotors were down to 10% wear life and would need to be replaced immediately. 4 hours and $469.10 later, the CRAP vehicle was on the road and earned a reprieve as a sales statistic from the soon to end Cash for Clunkers program when it flawlessly avoided a near collision with a streaking, cell phone yakking, red light running, driver of a GMC Yukon. After exchanging the obligatory dirty looks, assumed right of ways, and mouthed insults, I was on my way.
In summary, I know one thing: the CRAP vehicle is a high visibility tool that the FTI cannot afford to lose. Literally.
Having only recently started and slowly working out the kinks, it's ironic a story of outing anonymous bloggers recently appeared. The dear friends and family members that have been initially invited to observe life passing by with me "get it" and understand. The rest are the audience who view this to be entertained. Think of this as nothing more than a Walter Mitty moment.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Unfortunately, you can't use the same password from site to site because some require a certain amount of characters, some require numbers, etc. Then you forget the easy-to-remember password and you are stuck. You have to answer a secret question in order to recover the password. Let's bypass this security measure. In order to lessen the frustration and lost time of recovering forgotten passwords, I propose that we get credit for passwords that are close enough. Close enough is just to the point of being vague that anyone trying to hack your account will get frustrated and give up, but, free you from the burden of having to remember countless phrases and words. Here's an example: The password is "5Tiger". My first guess was " nipple ring". No go. 2nd attempt: "dillweed". Close enough.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Currently, any bill tossed toward the brass pole doesn't make any distracting noise over the blaring music at the Flatline Thinking Research Center. The research attendants are always smiling, happy, and gladly grab the numerous bills scattered about. Though I certainly advocate public health and safety, for personal reasons I'm not sure moving in this direction would be a good thing.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
The argument that most of the postings here make no sense and have no vision in the first place, resulting in comments amounting to, "what's the difference?", will be aptly ignored.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Deep, logical reflection would lead you to the conclusion that You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The winning applicant answered, " I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams. Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations." This answer won over the hiring director and the applicant was hired.
Further analysis, however, suggests an alternative course of action: 1) run the old lady over and put her out of her misery; 2) have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car; and 3) drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
Friday, August 14, 2009
Doesn't this seem to fly in the face of what the health experts have been telling us for years: that is, to cut down on our intake of sugar? What's next? The certain end of a root cause of American obesity?
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
I don't know the correct answer in dealing with this issue as the debate rages on. I'm just not convinced, however, that getting the government in the healthcare insurance business is going to bring any improved efficiency. If needless paperwork is already an identified issue that adds more cost, can we count on the same guys who write the tax code to make it any easier?
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
To suggest that people should forward any email that seems "fishy" (their word, not mine)to the White House seems odd. What does "fishy" mean? Does it mean something with which you don't agree? Does it mean something that is partisan? Does it mean something that is mean spirited? While that is being sorted out, what is happening to all of those email and IP addresses? What exactly is the White House going to do with that info? Is this the new 21st century version of an enemies list?
Hold it. Why am I worried? This is the government we are talking about. These are the same people that sent me letters requesting tax returns for my mother 3 straight years after she had died. If they can't keep track of dead people, how in the hell are they going to keep track of the live ones?
I'll address more about this later. In the meantime, I have to be fitted for a new tin-foil hat.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Sunday, August 2, 2009
1) If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
2) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
To me, this whole program seems to target one industry that employs a bloc of reliable voters located in a strategic region of the country that is key to winning Presidential elections. Wrap it together as an initiative to help both the economy and the environment and you have a feel-good program. Just don't worry about the cost, though. A billion here. A billion there. I guess this wasn't the "green" they were talking about.