Monday, August 31, 2009

Whatever happened to "Mom" on your bicep?

During our morning brain storming session, one of our staff members made fun of another member's tattoo. Some innocent wise-assed banter progressed into a heated argument advancing into a skirmish resembling a 12 year old girl's slumber party pillow fight and ended in a couple of charges of disturbing the peace and reckless endangerment. (Our legal team is confident we can beat the public indecency rap, however.)

Regardless, this incident inspired the rest of the think tank members (whom avoided this spat so not to violate their conditions of parole) to locate a graphic that pretty much says it all. It is displayed here for your review, convenience, and ease of identification.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Hey, where's my $5000 per month?

Are you kidding me?? What the hell have I been wasting my time at this rinky-dink Instititute over? Hold it here, wait a minute. What is all of this fine print? Fire up the Truthometer Deluxe and get Flushwig in here. We need to analyze this a little further.

During the mind-numbing research performed early each morning, I stumbled upon this article that suggests that someone can make between (I swear this is true) $5000 to $7000 a month at home doing nothing! It is a story about Mary Steadman who is making this dough just working 10 hours a week by doing nothing more than "posting links for Google." That's it. Nothing else. It all depends on how many links you posted online. They give you the website links to post and all you do is start posting those links. Google tracks everything.

The article has proof by displaying actual checks which, I assume, belong to Mary. (EDITORS NOTE: Mary must be a closet introvert because even though she is telling her story and bragging about her riches, she doesn't want anyone to see her name on the check.) Anyway, as I was just about to join Mary in creating my own financial wealth empire, I happened to scroll down to the bottom of the page and saw all of the fine print. Apparently:

  1. Testimonials do not typically result.

  2. Photographs or images are depiction of individuals and payment methods. These income examples are representative of some of the most successful participants in the program.

  3. Some individuals purchasing the program may make little or NO MONEY AT ALL(EDITOR'S NOTE: their emphasis). These claims are not a guarantee of your income, nor are they typical of average participants.

  4. Individual results will vary greatly and in accordance to your input, determination, hard work, and ability to follow directions.

  5. No person or company can guarantee profits or freedom from loss.

  6. Google is in no way associated with this website.

What the Hell?? You mean I could make less? Google is not associated, but you make money posting Google links. Huh? All of a sudden, this sure fire thing didn't look so hot if for no other reason than this is the type of creative, innovative, thinking we employ here at FTI. I know the personal riches I gain from that activity. And, I wouldn't want to be greedy.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

From the Desk of Miss Congeniality

The FTI has a charitable Foundation Arm that is used to promote and further the cause of continuing Flatline Thinking. The funds accruing in our internal slush fund are not scheduled to be invested with this firm, however. Somehow, I think they ought to think about hiring a competent copy editor before soliciting money from us.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Now, Arnold

The Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe has already paid for itself many times over; however, it's latest determination is proof positive that hidden nuggets can be found on Ebay.

A video is floating around that is purported to be physical evidence that Michael Jackson actually faked his own death and is, in fact, still alive. As the Truthometer Deluxe is a 1950's model, it does not have the ability to analyze video proof. We did, however, input this information orally via one of our trusted subjects and immediately the machine confirmed that this story could not possible be true.

After studying this video for hours, our FTI research personnel began to collect and input as much information as possible of celebrities whom were big at one time but have have been out of the spotlight lately. We again orally relayed our findings and conclusions as to this person's true identity into the Truthometer Deluxe. Confirmed as accurate and truthful, we came to the same conclusion: the person viewed in the video is really Jackson's arch nemesis and lifetime rival, Gary Coleman.

Jukebox: Cool. A Hair band with a horn section

Thursday, August 27, 2009

You can tell a lot about a man by his name.............

.....after it has been analyzed as an anagram. Let me explain.

While recently conducting a conference (similar to a long time ago in a storage room while drinking cheap sauterne cooking wine) with one of our independent outside thinkers, Rat Bastard G, the subject of honesty came up. None of us know this individual's actual name. Through the years he has been known as Linebacker, Amazon, Partner, etc., however his true name has never been revealed and is unknown. After much prodding, he did admit that his given name can be anagramed into "Affirm Gay Clue." This was accomplished by the use of this tool.

Though making no judgments, this analysis confirms our suspicions about this individual's habits and predilections. We are pleased to announce that by including the Rat Bastard, our diversity goal has been met and his inclusion is welcomed.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A high tech twist to an old Feud

Here's some interesting triva: Descendants of The Hatfields (of Hatfield vs. McCoy) formed the Garmin Corp. The McCoy's went another route and built a trucking empire. You connect the dots.

2 wings of the same bird

I am not very much of a political partisan as I believe both the Democrats and Republicans are just 2 versions of the same broken model. Here's a couple of examples of what I think is wrong with our political system:

I have never been a fan of the Kennedy's, but, do note this morning's announcement of the passing of Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy. I didn't agree with most of his politics, but, do offer praise for his work to further Civil Rights and to help his sister with her work for the Special Olympics program. With that said, however, I don't believe we should have an elected official in the same office for over 47 years. I believe they lose touch with the average person, jussssst a bit.

On the other hand, you have the idiot Republican Governor of South Carolina. This guy spent state money while having an extramarital affair, got caught, and won't resign. Nice. Once you get elected, whatever is proper and correct goes out the window.

Is it a wonder the American people are fed up with politics as usual?

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Safety never takes a holiday

The recent hot weather has taken a toll on the productivity and creativeness of the FTI thinktank personnel. During a recent brainstorming session, it was suggested that a pool party here at the compound would be a real fun way to reinvigorate the group, help reignite the creative thinking so prevalent here, and, of course beat the heat. As a result, we had the party recently and morale has soared ever since.

While viewing the various pictures of the event, our Director of Institute Safety, Mrs. Kfred, noticed an obvious violation that could cause harm to all involved. She chose this one picture to highlight during the safety segment of this morning's meeting and used it as a training exercise for everyone by asking all attendees if they saw anything wrong with this picture. She did this to keep our focus on safety as vigilant as ever.

Though the guesses of "the metal legs of the table could puncture the pool liner," "those guys look like they aren't using the proper level of sunscreen," and "unwashed sandals can spread athlete's foot" were noteworthy, they weren't the most egregious error in judgment. See if you can spot the violation in question.

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Never use glass bottles around a pool area! *

Overheard at today's morning briefing

"Thank you, Mr. Wizard. That was a spellbinding presentation. Before the members of the thinktank get back to work, would you mind answering any of their questions?"

"Yes. In the back."

"Uh, science dude, I have this gnarly rash and I was wonderin'......"

Monday, August 24, 2009

Punk'd by the County Assessor

I am sure that I have unknowingly become a part of reality TV. But, I never realized that government would be in on it. That's right: I got punk'd by the county assessor.

The FTI Compound is located in a mostly rural county in my state. There isn't a lot of industry here and is one that has traditionally relied on natural resources and it's related industry to shoulder the taxing load. With the current economic downtrend, the local factories have cut shifts, been sold, or moved out of the area in order to compete. As a result, housing values have dropped, we have the 2nd highest unemployment in the state, and there is a general malaise to the economy. Therefore, when I opened the official "Assessor's Notice Of Value Change For Taxes Payable In 2009", I assumed that our property tax responsibility would be somewhat less. Negative. Instead, my duly elected county official sent me an official greeting announcing that the total assessed value had increased 13% over prior year! Let me give you a snapshot of my area Mr Assessor: The home next door is currently going through a short sale after being on the market for 20 months; a home 1/4 of a mile away sold after being foreclosed; an over the top, more house than anyone would buy, 2 times over priced, shrine-on-the-hill built by Alfred E. Neuman's nephew begs for visitors (let alone buyers), and yet, my assessed value goes up??

Right now, I am waiting for someone to drive up in a non-descript white Chevy Malibu with the county crest on the side to tell me this is all a big joke. I hope they get here pretty quick.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

There is great joy in Mudville!

With apologies to Ernest Thayer

Oh! here in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
The band is playing loudly and here the hearts are light,
And right now men are laughing and loudly the children shout;
As there is great joy in Mudville -- J Swinger has removed all doubt!

Mrs. Kfred and I were overjoyed to learn that Kfred Jr. 1 (aka J Swinger)and his longtime girlfriend, Goldilocks, have announced their engagement to be married! She is a beautiful young woman, smart, talented, and ambitious. We love them both very much and are very proud to welcome her to our family.

This event serves double purpose as Kfred Jr. 2 can now achieve a lifelong goal: Attend a wedding, be allowed to drink to excess, and face no recrimination.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Uh, we need to talk to you before we go any further

One of my various duties here at Flatline Thinking include the management of the Institute motor pool. The fleet has shrunk over the years and is now down to a manageable 2 vehicles: a 12 year old BMW driven by Mrs. Kfred and a 6 year old 136,000 mile SUV afforded to me for my exclusive use as executive director. Reminding the reader by the chronicle in an earlier post, the expense and maintenance of these assets can sometimes be daunting.

As an in-your-face affront to the environment, high gas prices, and the green crowd, the SUV (with our Central Research, Analysis, and Policy (CRAP) logo emblazoned on both sides) draws considerable attention from other drivers. Regardless, I had scheduled the CRAP vehicle for a routine oil change and replacement of the rear brake pads at the local shop. These were both items that I was monitoring, had budgeted $175 for completion, and expected to be finished in 2 hours. Imagine my surprise when the shop called and noted that in addition, the front brakes and rotors were down to 10% wear life and would need to be replaced immediately. 4 hours and $469.10 later, the CRAP vehicle was on the road and earned a reprieve as a sales statistic from the soon to end Cash for Clunkers program when it flawlessly avoided a near collision with a streaking, cell phone yakking, red light running, driver of a GMC Yukon. After exchanging the obligatory dirty looks, assumed right of ways, and mouthed insults, I was on my way.

In summary, I know one thing: the CRAP vehicle is a high visibility tool that the FTI cannot afford to lose. Literally.

Who is that masked man?

The posting of various thoughts and concepts here is a challenge, but, also fun. Emphasis is on humor and silliness as a way to comment on the events and opinions I experience and hold.

Having only recently started and slowly working out the kinks, it's ironic a story of outing anonymous bloggers recently appeared. The dear friends and family members that have been initially invited to observe life passing by with me "get it" and understand. The rest are the audience who view this to be entertained. Think of this as nothing more than a Walter Mitty moment.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Jukebox: It's not always rock and roll

Mom will never see the pictures if I don't "Friend" her

Our crack research staff and thinktank personnel toil daily to keep this site interesting and varied. Their dogged dedication and management's vision to commit to the winning Ebay bid of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe to verify all statements made here result, in our opinion, a site that avoids becoming boring, annoying, or meaningless. The same cannot be said of the recent explosion of the popularity of Facebook and it's accompanying inane posts, however. How many of these 12 Disciples do you know?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Oh, I forgot. The question must be in the form of an answer

I currently frequent 52 different sites that have ID and password requirements. Amazon, youtube, ebay, my credit card, this blog. You get the idea. User ID. Password. You have to enter them before access. There is no getting around it anymore.

Unfortunately, you can't use the same password from site to site because some require a certain amount of characters, some require numbers, etc. Then you forget the easy-to-remember password and you are stuck. You have to answer a secret question in order to recover the password. Let's bypass this security measure. In order to lessen the frustration and lost time of recovering forgotten passwords, I propose that we get credit for passwords that are close enough. Close enough is just to the point of being vague that anyone trying to hack your account will get frustrated and give up, but, free you from the burden of having to remember countless phrases and words. Here's an example: The password is "5Tiger". My first guess was " nipple ring". No go. 2nd attempt: "dillweed". Close enough.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

But you can't fold a coin

Actually, I am not surprised by this report of dirty money. I just want the public do-gooders to think clearly before they inevitably advocate changing peoples habits and promote the use of more coins.

Currently, any bill tossed toward the brass pole doesn't make any distracting noise over the blaring music at the Flatline Thinking Research Center. The research attendants are always smiling, happy, and gladly grab the numerous bills scattered about. Though I certainly advocate public health and safety, for personal reasons I'm not sure moving in this direction would be a good thing.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I should have upgraded to the Pentium 2

Some unfortunate technical difficulties that plagued us over the last 48 hours, resulting in the inability to view what was being published, have been solved.

The argument that most of the postings here make no sense and have no vision in the first place, resulting in comments amounting to, "what's the difference?", will be aptly ignored.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Job Interview tip in a tough economy

The recent problems in the economy has resulted in a number of people with years of experience losing their positions. It has been years since many of the people have ever had to interview for a job and, as such, may be a bit rusty in their interview techniques. Applicants need to be creative, flexible, and adaptive to be considered for many positions. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. See how you would answer it:

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Deep, logical reflection would lead you to the conclusion that You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again. The winning applicant answered, " I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams. Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations." This answer won over the hiring director and the applicant was hired.

Further analysis, however, suggests an alternative course of action: 1) run the old lady over and put her out of her misery; 2) have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car; and 3) drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

Friday, August 14, 2009

Jukebox: "How would you describe it?" Well, It's kind of like the arguments on the internet

And what is the downside?

Quick! Hoard all of the Twinkies, soda, and candy bars! There is a pending sugar shortage heading our way.

Doesn't this seem to fly in the face of what the health experts have been telling us for years: that is, to cut down on our intake of sugar? What's next? The certain end of a root cause of American obesity?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Clinton Fatigue Round 2

With the recent success of former President Bill Clinton going to Korea to gain the release of the 2 American journalists and his wife Hillary showing her tough side to a mistranslated question by an African student, this thought occured to me: Who is tougher? Bill "McClain" Clinton or Hillary "I'm not channeling my husband" Clinton?

America is a safer place with the knowledge these two are out kicking some serious ass in the world.

Monday, August 10, 2009

"Bones! Analysis!"
"He's bleeding cash, Jim"

The fact that a small part of the answer to wasteful healthcare spending is as simple as a doctor washing his hands regularly when treating patients is astounding. That, and others, are among the top causes of wasteful spending identified above. We have all heard about "defensive medicine", but I assumed it was to uncover any remote possibilities of cause of illness and used as a defense to fight it versus covering your ass from a lawsuit. Lastly, I have been amazed at the countless pieces of mail, correspondence, and billings Mrs. Kfred and I have amassed in dealing with our few minor ailments recently.

I don't know the correct answer in dealing with this issue as the debate rages on. I'm just not convinced, however, that getting the government in the healthcare insurance business is going to bring any improved efficiency. If needless paperwork is already an identified issue that adds more cost, can we count on the same guys who write the tax code to make it any easier?

Friday, August 7, 2009

Help Wanted: Guard For Henhouse.
Foxes encouraged to apply.

I discussed in an earlier post that I thought this story was a little strange.

(In my best Paul Harvey voice):" And now, the Rest of the Story."

Is this really a surprise to anyone?

Jukebox: These guys deserved more recognition

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Classic Rodney

After making love to this girl she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning"? She answered, "No, I hate myself now".

Doesn't this worry anyone a bit?

This blog posting and it's accompanying request in the last paragraph is a bit scary to me.

To suggest that people should forward any email that seems "fishy" (their word, not mine)to the White House seems odd. What does "fishy" mean? Does it mean something with which you don't agree? Does it mean something that is partisan? Does it mean something that is mean spirited? While that is being sorted out, what is happening to all of those email and IP addresses? What exactly is the White House going to do with that info? Is this the new 21st century version of an enemies list?

Hold it. Why am I worried? This is the government we are talking about. These are the same people that sent me letters requesting tax returns for my mother 3 straight years after she had died. If they can't keep track of dead people, how in the hell are they going to keep track of the live ones?

I'll address more about this later. In the meantime, I have to be fitted for a new tin-foil hat.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Sunday, August 2, 2009

3 common sense rules to observe

(With credit to my ultimate alligator-armed, I think it's your turn to buy, mothbitten wallet owning, tightwad buddy, Dickey the Peap)

1) If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

2) Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3) He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Yeah, it was only driven by a little old lady on Sundays

The recent government sponsored "Clunkers for Cash" program has made me curious. One Billion taxpayer dollars has been allotted through November 1st to stimulate new car sales, help struggling auto dealers, and get more fuel efficient cars on the road. On the surface, that whole idea sounds like a good one. Now, one week later, the program is out of cash. Supporters say this is proof the program has been wildly successful ( I guess you can't argue with that). Detractors are saying this is a example of government bungling (I am not sure you can argue with that, either). Now, the House has authorized another Two Billion dollars to keep the program going and sent it to the Senate for their approval. UPDATE: The Senate has approved the Two Billion as well and sent the bill to the President to sign.

My problem with the whole thing is this: Why am I, as a taxpayer, being asked to help pay for someone else's automobile purchase? Haven't we stimulated sales, helped struggling auto dealers, and gotten more fuel efficient cars on the road after one week's time? We've met the goal; game over, move on. Also, this initiative is laboring under the green mantra to help our environment and reduce our carbon footprint. Under the terms of the program, all of the trades are to be made inoperable and not put back on the road. What about the re-usable parts in all of these cars? Does it make sense to destroy these cars and not strip them of re-usable parts? Aren't the businesses in the parts supply chain also suffering because of the lack of auto sales? What happened to reduce, reuse, recycle?

To me, this whole program seems to target one industry that employs a bloc of reliable voters located in a strategic region of the country that is key to winning Presidential elections. Wrap it together as an initiative to help both the economy and the environment and you have a feel-good program. Just don't worry about the cost, though. A billion here. A billion there. I guess this wasn't the "green" they were talking about.