Saturday, October 31, 2009

Heavy on the tricks, this is no treat.

Our virtual weekly staff meeting was held yesterday.  We had decided to let our thinkers  attend in their favorite costume in recognition of the Halloween weekend.  Anticipating the  normal idiocy, distractions, and general ineffectiveness  we normally experience,  we thought perhaps we could accomplish something if we allowed this type of activity.   Boy, was that a mistake. 

Dicky the Peap was in attendance as Donald Trump.  That concept alone is preposterous as Dicky IS Donald Trump.   The hair, the money.   Actually, I think Trump tries to imitate our own Dicky.  Gummo the Balloon Boy, was dressed as Abraham Lincoln and insisting that he would make Stephen A Douglass "his bitch" by the end of the day.  Marv the Neighbor  thought we were having Thanksgiving, insisted not knowing anything about dressing up, and only wanting to deep fry a turkey.   I, of course, was dressed in my best sequined tuxedo, walking stick, and bejeweled top hat befitting  the Ringmaster of a large circus.   After an hour and a half of trying to address the topics  on our agenda, I could see we were going nowhere fast and abruptly canceled the meeting.  

We have these meetings weekly.  We try to include these members so they feel they are contributing to our success here at FTI.  After re-reading the minutes of yesterdays fiasco, I can only conclude that our affiliates don't have to don costume once a year to portray someone they are not.  They already portray someone they are not:  Intelligent beings. 

Thursday, October 29, 2009

We need to watch our expenses

While staying current with the local news around the FTI compound, I have noticed a disturbing trend:  employees and public officials billing their company or local government for numerous personal expenses not related to their job or duties.  Not only is this flat out dishonest and illegal, I find it morally offensive.  My point, however, is not to be some moral compass for others or goody-2-shoes; rather, to highlight the safeguards and checkpoints employed by the FTI finance team.

Here at FTI, all employee expenses (mine) are scrutinized for accuracy in regard to dates and amounts.    After initial scrutiny, the expense report is then  filed in a 3 month aging bin where nothing is done or acted upon until this 90 day barrier is met. In the meantime, I am on my own for any type of payment to my bank.  Appeals to our cheap-assed Board of Directors to speed up this process has been  met to date with the same sound as that found in the middle of the forest in the summer:  *crickets chirping*.   Promptly upon the 91st day following the submission of expenses, a terse denial of all requests is issued.  I then have to resubmit all statements and begin the process over again.  I have always treated company money like it was my own and have never billed the company for my personal expenses.  Before I came Executive Director here at the Institute, I do recall an incident while employed at an earlier position where I had an expense questioned:  I put a 25%+  tip on a meal at a Chinese restaurant which my supervisor thought was extensive.  (Never mind the fact that the meal cost a total of $6.95, he thought the $1.75 was too much of a tip.) Talk about scrutiny! 

I have not billed the Institute for the mental health therapy bills I have incurred recently.  Dealing with this band of Weirdos, Whackos, and Misfits on a daily basis certainly creates the need for this type of expense.  I just hope the therapist will see fit to carry me on their books a bit longer.  My case definitely needs a long term treatment plan.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Take ME out to the ballgame!

While speaking with Kfred Jr. 2 the other night, he happened to off-handedly mention that he was going to be on national TV on Wednesday night.  Of course, I had no idea of what he was referring to and asked him to explain.  He said that he had the opportunity to attend Game 1 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium and not only would he watch the game, but, also participate in the pre-game ceremonies  down on the field! Apparently, an allotment of tickets were dedicated to his school and it was done on a first come/first served basis. 

I have a friend who lives in NYC who is a huge Yankee fan and  would love to have this same opportunity.  I  relayed this incident to him and he told me that the cheapest tickets to this game are $400 and escalate up to $2500 per seat.  And these are face values.  I'm sure the actual amount paid will greatly exceed these numbers.   

Though I am glad for the kid, I am more than a little jealous.  He will be hanging out, enjoying the first World Series game ever held in the new Yankee Stadium, being up close to the entire experience.   I hope he catches a foul ball.

Monday, October 26, 2009

No liquids before bedtime

This past Saturdays post has caused some controversy and hurt feelings which I feel a need to address immediately.

The point of the post was to comment on the untimely alert of a failing battery in a smoke alarm. I happened to compare the sound from this to the sound of the bed-wetting alarms installed in the dormitory where our affiliate thinkers are housed here at FTI. I merely thought this was the original source of the alarm and commented as such. Though they have been noted for their unique thinking, some members of our team apparently are very thin skinned as one tendered his immediate resignation, one is nowhere to be found at the moment, and two more have requested appointments for embarrassment counseling via our employee assistance program.

Having been notified of the possible shame and humiliation caused by my posting, I wish to publicly make a formal apology in this forum. I certainly did not intend to cause any harm or shame. I do, however, regret to inform our team that the raises we had slated to give to our team will now be cancelled as they were to be funded by the sponsorship by the maker of the Depends brand undergarments. Hopefully,
we won't be "underwater" because of this incident.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

You's for your own good

Last night at approximately 3:23 am, I was awakened by a distinct intermittent "beeping" in the Executive Living quarters here at FTI.  At first, I thought I was dreaming, though once awaken, I distinctly heard it about every 30 seconds.  My initial reaction that it was one of the various bed wetting alarms that were set for some of our affiliates in the adjacent Think-tank dormitory, but then realized this couldn't be the case as the sound was emanating from a nearer source.   Realizing I wasn't going to be able to ignore it and fall back asleep, I got up and found the source to be a smoke detector signaling that the back-up battery was losing power.  This particular model  is designed to "chirp" to inform the owner to replace the battery on a periodic basis. 

My issue with the whole design of this device is how something  retailing at $14.95 can consistently run out of backup battery power and emit it's warning sounds ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING!  Does it happen at 6 pm when you arrive home from work and have a chance to go get another battery?  No.   Does it happen at 10 am on Saturday morning when you have the ladder out anyway and doing other fix-it projects?  No.  It happens in the middle of the night. Every time.  I don't know.  I'm getting tired with the issues around this place. 

(EDITOR'S  NOTE:  I am finishing this posting on behalf of our Executive Director as he was so frustrated with this subject, he contacted the FTI Medical Staff and requested an extra dispensation of our own FTI sedative.  Normally, he only takes one per day in order to remain lucid while dealing with the staff and his initial request was rejected due to safety reasons.  Upon further analysis by the FTI medical staff and   in conjunction with this incident, it was decided it would be better to risk a possible over-dispensation and retain his services than to have him resign his post.  Prior to his accepting this position, we had a vacancy for 5 years.  You think this stuff is odd? You  should have seen some of our results then. )

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Gee, I guess I am just a lucky person

Hold it!  This is too good to be true!  Not once but twice, TWICE, in a lifetime does anyone ever get these types of opportunities. You see another chance has presented itself that is far too superior to pass up.

Last week, we posted about an opportunity from a banking official in Africa offering us nearly $4 Million US dollars merely by helping them transfer some hidden money out of an African bank account.  Apparently, our honesty, sterling reputation, and superior, deep seated thinking skills here at the Institute are becoming to be well regarded in Africa as we have now been offered an additional opportunity in the connection of the death of another wealthy person who has hidden dollars deposited there.  This time, though, we have an opportunity to share in over 9 Million US DOLLARS! Woo-hoo!

We obviously spotted the earlier solicitation as a fake  as there was no proof of this person's existence or record of his money.  But this one is different.  The lawyer sent me this link proving the existence and subsequent death of this rich American businessman!  Submitted to our staff during our weekly think-tank sessions, their summary consensus was simple:  "If it exists on the internet, it must be true."   The fact that this person was not married and had no children or remaining known family is insignificant.  It's just more money for us. 

We currently are working on the FTI pre-Christmas gift list.  There are going to be some surprised affiliates in regard to the lavishness of their gifts this year.  Lets' see:  a new washer and dryer combo set for Dicky the Peap, a new bicycle for Gummo the Balloon Boy, Freako Deako can get another round of shock therapy; our generosity knows no limits.  I always knew our efforts would become known all over the world.  I never dreamed people would pay us for it, though. 

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Why don't you just nail it shut?

I am currently  here at the FTI Compound awaiting a maintenance contractor to take a look at one of the doors.  Our own maintenance team couldn't figure out what was wrong, so, we had to call the manufacturer and schedule an appointment. 

In a nut shell, once the door is closed, the latch  has a tendency to engage itself and will not release resulting in being locked INSIDE our executive wing.  (There is an upside to this dilemma as it does insulate us from the rest of the staff we are in charge of overseeing.)  Anyway, our guys solution was to wad up some cardboard, stick it in the latch, thereby making the latch inoperable while still allowing the door to open, and pronounce it fixed.   The keen eyed followers of this blog will notice that this type of thinking is consistent and equal to that of the rest of our contributing staff and related affiliates.  As Executive Director, however, I have a responsibility to the safety and well being of the general public to insure that the door is properly functioning so I can go out and close the main compound gate at night to  prevent any of these same near-award winning thinkers to wander off and scare the population at large.  In reflection, a better solution may be to expand our executive wing, shepherd all of the normal people into it, and keep the door inoperable.   

Monday, October 19, 2009

Gummo? Hell, the guy can't float on water, let alone in the air

The recent uproar over the past few days over the "balloon boy" hoax in Colorado has created some confusion for various people. Some of our readers have inquired into the health and pending punishment to be meted out to our affiliate, Gummo the Balloon Boy. Let me attempt to clarify this issue.

The 6 year old boy in this story is not to be confused with our own Gummo. During the time the Colorado incident was occurring, Gummo was sick in bed suffering to the affects due to a severe latex allergy. Gummo has been repeatedly warned of staying away from the Institute's weather observation equipment (our own slightly rusted, often inaccurate, FTI outdoor Thermometer) and had nothing to do with  this particular incident.

Interestingly enough, we did receive an application earlier from the boy's father to join us as an affiliate member. Over the weekend, our search committee reviewed his application, studied his past accomplishments, and evaluated his role in the recent incident. Based on the ensuing media circus and questionable intent of his actions, they have recommended that he not be offered a fellowship with our group.  The concensus was that this individual's high cognitive ability to execute this hoax was far superior to anything our group could concoct and, as a result, would demoralize the rest of our staff.  Translation:  He's smarter than our guys.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

It's green Sunday!

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Well, it was Brown and it has my driver's license in it

Unfortunately, other than the criminal tendencies, this guy shares the thinking capabilities of the majority of our staff.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Do I get a 10 minute break as well?

I note that the minimum wage is actually going down in the state of Colorado and could do so  as well in 10 other states.  This could be especially harmful to the results of this blog as we could potentially be affected by this.   Our cheap-ass Board of Directors are constantly looking for ways to minimize costs and what better way than to pare the compensation of the contributing thinkers?  All of our staff and thinkers work at this wage level to start with.

On further reflection and review of the past 90 days efforts, however,  I have come to realize this could be a good thing.  The content to date has been fairly estimated to be that of efforts worth $1.00 hour.  Or, to put it into perspective, equal to the compensation most babysitters earned in the 1970s.  I  see many similarities between  that babysitter's duties and my position. 

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Sometimes we have to chew out our own

I just got off of the phone with one of our affiliates,  The Green Comic.  He is normally always upbeat, cheerful, and basically a positive person.   Today, however, he was a little grumpy and his affiliate status here at FTI is in great jeopardy.

In a matter of a 6 minutes and 26 second phone call, he was able to singlehandedly slight black people, handicapped people, and was threatening to target small children next.   I pointed out to him that he had no business slighting anyone as not only does he re-use other people's jokes and material, (hence his name,) but also  he himself was an avowed idiot whom is subject to immediate dismissal at any time.  The mere activity of pondering the loss of his prestigious position with our higher level thinkers here immediately transformed his attitude and I am happy to report he has reverted to his imbecilic ways.  Welcome back.

Monday, October 12, 2009

A public confession and private question

Freako Deako and his wife came over for dinner last night.  Mrs. Deako is a wonderful lady; normal, sane, and level-headed.  Her only weakness is that somehow, she is attracted to Freako.  Regardless, though this one character flaw is epic in proportion, it does not change Mrs. Kfred's and my perception of her being a terrific person.  Freako, on the other hand, is just well, a Freak.  His inclusion as one of the affiliates here at the Institute is nothing we trumpet publicly, but, rather admit begrudgingly only when legal depositions are being conducted.

I point this out only for accuracy sake and to also take an offensive position in a public forum  should there be any question that we have stacked our staff with intellectuals that have no equal.  I have no doubt that there are any equals to this band of weirdos, wackos, and misfits.  I just am troubled why I have to be the one whom is forced to interact with them.  What have I done wrong?      

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Just doin' our part for the environment

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Security? Who would want to waste their efforts on us?

As author of this blog and chief administrator at this rinky dinky Institute, I sometimes have to face some criticism and accept comments in reference to the postings made here. Granted, most of it is meaningless as it is usually mindless drivel from our own staff.  The fact that they are associates in the first place confirm this position.  Sometimes, however, automated spam can be generated and posted here that has nothing to do with the subject topic.  Again, this same statement can be made of the writings of the contributors to date, but, we do try to acknowledge their lucidity at the moment. 

The tight ass Board of Directors, however, are highly image conscious and are always  worried about criticism of the Institute from others let alone automated robot generated spam.    They collectively got their panties in a wad and inquired if our idiot IT department could attach some spam Prevention questions to the comment section.  This way, anyone sharing comments would have to answer the question and at least we would know it was not automated spam.  It was decided a simple question would be asked:  "In what state is the Institute located"?   After an hour's argument between the answers of Denial, Disrepair, and Disarray, it was decided to forgo this complex security procedure and just allow the comments as they came in.  Of course, everyone knows the real answer:  Confusion.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

I guess I will just eat an apple a day

Ah, the annual decision making process of healthcare plan selection is upon me.  Costs are exploding and no organization is immune from trying to control expenses.  We covered this earlier when the healthcare debate was in such a rush before Congress and at that time, I had a funny feeling the do-nothing, meddling, cheap-ass Board of directors were considering this option. Sure enough, a memo was circulated today that this plan will be the only plan to cover the Institute staff for 2010.  

Being Executive director here at FTI does have some perks, however.  As I am an exempt, at will employee, I do have the option of  enjoying the same gold plated, "Cadillac" level, plan currently enjoyed by the Board.  They actually get to see live specialists who swear for you. 

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Could it be that fate is tempting me?

If this blog suddenly goes dark and I turn up MIA, I can assure you, I will be in some exotic location  rapidly throwing off any remaining vestiges of being associated with the knuckleheads at the FTI.  Let me explain. 

I have to go out of town on some non-institute business for a few days.    While making the appropriate hotel reservations, the clerk mentions, "oh, you got the lucky confirmation number.  I was wondering who was going to get it".  The number:  771177.  My hotel of choice:  A casino/resort hotel. 
Then, I make a phone call to renew my prescription from a mail order pharmacy as I am heavily tranquilized most days in order to deal with the morons you have been previously introduced to in prior posts.  I give the customer service person my phone number and she says, "oh, that's my lucky number."  I asked her how a phone number could be a lucky number.  She said it just contained the digits she has found to be lucky. 
Hmmmm, I am starting to see a trend here.   I have to believe things are looking up for me.

Why looky there!  The woman next to me at the 21 table just got dealt a pair of Tens.  And she wants to SPLIT THEM!!   I knew this was too good to be true. 

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Sorry, I'm already posting Google links to supplement my income

Let's see, 10% for taxes, fees, and telephone calls, huh?  Ok. 

I just received an email today from a lawyer in Burkina Faso, a small landlocked country in Africa which is ranked 7th to last place of the Human Development Index.  Translation: This place sucks.  As you can see, this guy is looking for someone to represent as next of kin, an African engineer who died, and had $13 Million US dollars squirreled away. The lawyer will cut me in for 30%, pay the aforementioned 10% miscellaneous charges, and keep the remaining 60% for himself.  Anyway, he wants some basic information and I will be on the path to untold success and riches.

I thought this event was too good to be true and decided to run it by a couple of my most trusted friends and financial advisors, Freako Deako, Rat Bastard G, and Dicky the Peap.  All were in agreement that, though this was a fantastic opportunty,  there was something definitely wrong with this offer.  Something just didn't ring true; didn't "smell" right.   Finally, after 3 hours of poring over every word and deciphering every phrase in the letter, it hit them:   It had been there the whole time and they had overlooked it.  10% for phone charges!?  Don't they know if you bundle with Qwest, you get unlimited local AND long distance calling for only $99 a month?  Hey, we're not as dumb as we look.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Engage the auto-pilot. Let's go straighten this mess out.

The cheap-ass FTI  Board of Directors will not  allow me to fly 1st class as they consider it ringside seating.  No wonder you pay a premium.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

We're Green one day a week

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Here's proof in a graph form

Today is my wedding anniversary. Through thick and thin, Mrs. Kfred has been there for me. Of course, we have had disagreements, but (and it pains me to say this), she has usually been right.

For a number of years, though,  I have increasingly had the suspicion that I have been coming out on the losing end of most disagreements, but, couldn't document it as such .  I assigned our Statistical Analysis team to see if they could verify some data and, by golly, they hit one out of the park with this easy to understand graphic. The beauty of this representation is that it is not case specific.  It would apply to any married man.  Good job, guys. 

Oh, and dear, I will  always love you.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Nice to meet you. And how do you know these guys?

At any party, there is always small talk among the guests. People who had been complete strangers with one another 2 minutes earlier are now chatting and finding similar details about their experiences and connections.

One of the tools at our disposal in generating this daily display of self-humiliation is the ability to know how people got to this site. That is, we know which search terms, which keywords, which questions asked to the various internet search engines, brought them to our site. Imagine our shock and surprise to discover that instead of the terms we had imagined would drive readership our way, the actual terms were something else. Instead of "intelligent analysis", "flawless reasoning", or "creative alternatives", we instead are being referred to for people who searched for "What should I pay my receptionist", "that German engineering", "make money posting google links" (we're going to update that story in a few days) and my favorite, "flatline investing".

To those of you who searched for answers about these terms(if you are courageous enough to hang around and still be viewing our site), on behalf of all of us here at FTI, I apologize. Coming here for answers to those type of queries is like making an appointment to discuss your finances with Warren Buffett and ending up taking advice from Zelda, the Bulgarian Mystic, at the carnival sideshow. Well intentioned, but misguided.