Monday, January 31, 2011

When Mr. X says "buy", be sure you sell

Having thought that we had earlier fully covered the ineptness and foibles of Mr. X's stock picking abilities, I was under the impression that  under no circumstances would it ever become an issue again.   Unbeknownst to me, it turns out that X had solicited the FTI  charitable arm division  in the hopes of guiding the Institutes's portfolio. As our charitable arm division is  a separate division that is unrelated to our work at this site, they were unfamiliar with X and his epic history of failure in regards to picking successful investments.  Case in point:  his latest wealth building choice.

Known for his diligent research, keen insights, and savvy insider abilities, X's latest choice of maddening riches beyond his wildest dreams was a small medical devices firm.   Relying on multiple sources including the firm's own web page, Mr. X ignored statements including the words "troubled firm", "debt-laden", and "highly doubtful this shit can work".  Of course, the statement  in the "Careers with Us" soliciting candidates for a person whose duties included, "turning off the lights after we fold like a cheap suitcase" didn't seem to register as a warning, either.  Regardless, X bought a substantial position in the company early  in the morning only to  discover the firm had filed bankruptcy by noon.  Sorry Charlie.  Ala-hoo-ay-a-zer.     

Fortunately, our charitable arm here at FTI was wise enough to evaluate Mr. X's promises and statements by processing them through the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe via a reciprocal agreement we have with one another.   Realizing that an alliance with X would not be profitable and also a source of shame and embarrassment, they politely declined his offer.  We wish Mr. X a speedy recovery from the financial shellacking he seems to be suffering lately.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then. 

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Offensive? Maybe. Funny? Definitely.

With credit to Marv the Neighbor


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Stay with it; You can do it!

A bit of odd recognition surrounds our activities here at FTI and I am torn whether to celebrate or be despondent. 

An unsolicited phone call was received here at FTI by someone purporting to be part of a contest  derived from the "Biggest Loser" TV show.  I thought that my continuing workout sessions on the Christmas Wii present must have drawn some attention to my dedication and steadfastness to drop a few pounds.   Immediately, however, I realized that my 15 lb. weight loss goal, though memorable, is not exceptionally meaningful to the producers of a show that profiles people losing upward of 150 lbs. of weight.  As I asked a few more questions, this individual started to explain that No, they weren't looking to profile people whom had lost weight.  They were looking for Losers.  Actual Losers.    Somehow, they had gotten our number and wanted to profile a couple of our members.

The Rat Bastard G begins filming next week. 

Monday, January 24, 2011

Advice for the Forelorn

  
Much like Dear Abby in the local newspaper, our new "Dear Kfred" initiative here at FTI is increasingly becoming a popular feature of the work we perform here for the community.  Here is an actual letter:

Dear Kfred: 

My husband (I'll call him "El-Cheapo") told me today that he didn't get me anything for my birthday because everything was too expensive.  What should I do?

Signed, Mrs. Peap El-Cheapo

Dear Mrs. El-Cheapo,

It's ironic that you write in as we had a very similar scenario here at FTI.  One of the Misfits relayed a story to me when he told me he had his feelings hurt while considering a gift for his wife's birthday.  Apparently our Misfit  thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for her birthday and went to a department store. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.


"That's a bit much," he said , so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," he complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said , "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.


Just be thankful he is cheap and doesn't try to squander your life savings on losing stock tips. 

Sunday, January 23, 2011

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then. 

Thursday, January 20, 2011

You are eligible for an upgrade

Speaking with  Gummo, the Balloon Boy, yesterday during his daily verbal therapy, we discussed a range of topics:   needless insignificant trivia,  the recent passing of Don Kershner (let's see how many of our 2 faithful readers know that name!), the legalities of driving while talking  on a cell phone, etc.   The cell phone issue  is a hot topic  as the Latex Kid recently got a new smart phone and is utterly baffled by it's operation.  Wishing to revert to the simpler model he had been using so successfully earlier, he has scoured all of the phone stores to locate a model with no luck.  Technology has simply passed the point from which his old one operated.  Yes, I understand the new phones are a bit more complicated.  Yes, I know that they have a shorter battery life, but honestly, walking around with the backpack model that looked like the one used from the radioman of the old 60's Rat Patrol TV series  probably would interfere with most daily activities.     

Never the less, as a service to a friend in need, I am posting a picture of the preferred model of choice.  I urge both of our faithful readers to scour their attics, basements, and dead  grandfathers WWII belongings to see if they  have a comparable model.  If so, please contact us here at FTI for placement to a grateful individual.  It would mean so much.   

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The official travel partner of FTI

Already thinking ahead and trying to plan to the best of my abilities, I scored a minor victory yesterday  that makes me a bit happy. 

Kfred Jr. 2 begins his 5 year journey with the US Army as a 2nd lieutenant upon graduation this spring.  Obviously, graduation is a big deal with all of the related events and hoopla.  We've known about the date for around 6 months but I never got around to buying some airline tickets.  2 weeks ago, a window of opportunity opened in which I could buy round trip tickets from the FTI base here on the West Coast direct to Newark nonstop for $279 per person.  That's a bargain!  Unfortunately, the window slammed shut by the time I sauntered up to the electronic ticket window a day later and suddenly prices had leapt to $386 each.  Immediately reverting to the type of behavior I have observed in Dickie the Peap, I started forming a plan to whine, moan, complain, browbeat, and badger to the best of my abilities, anyone on the end of the phone line into giving me the previous price.  Obvious, my skills are not as highly refined as his as I got nowhere fast.  Realizing that competition in the airline industry is cut-throat and ongoing, I figured if I waited  and kept checking the website, I would score a deal.  Yesterday, I check in for my daily ritual, note that the price has dropped $135 per ticket, reserved 2 of them, and walked away with the exact seats I had wished for 2 weeks ago and  an extra 270  bones in my pocket to blow in New York City in the springtime.  Badda-bing, Badda-boom.   

The website I used? Why, it's the one that Dickie frequents whenever he travels: CheapoAir. (this site is so cheap that their website is down as I am writing this post. I sure hope they get me the airline tickets.)

Monday, January 17, 2011

It doesn't take much to help

Because we normally have our hands full here, at FTI we try to stay away from any meaningful social policy that would be of note. NO, we are not trying to be lazy, but again, herding the Misfits on a daily basis is enough. A man has his limits. I did become involved with one organization recently, though, that is kind of fun and different.

Kfred Jr. 2 and his wife, Golidlocks gave me a present for Christmas that I activated yesterday and I am glad they did. I received a donation/giftcard in my name to an organization known as Kiva. Simply, from their own website, Kiva's mission is to connect people, through lending, for the sake of alleviating poverty.   Currently, I am a lending partner to a man in Uganda who is running a small market to sell fruits and vegetables in his village.  His total request was for $900.  16 other lenders read his story and decided to help him in his enterprise and loaned him various amounts totaling the $900 to get him started.  He has approximately 18 months to pay back the loan at which time I can then turn around and loan it to someone else.   The beauty of  the project is that the small donation I make is basically nothing to me, but, is a ransom to someone in a poor country trying to survive.  I feel good about helping someone else while knowing that somewhere on the other side of the world, someone, regardless of race, color, or religion is being assisted to get out of poverty.  I think it's great. 

Now, I have go work on my business plan that I am about to submit to Kiva.   I would think that  the FTI story would generate a ton of donations; if for nothing else, simply out of a sense of pity. 

 

Sunday, January 16, 2011

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then. 

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Say, Is that REAL Bling?

The sharp eyed reader will notice a new feature I have added to our page.

Hearkening back to our post last week of the investing travails of Mr. X,  immediately below the "About Me" section in the column of the right side of this page, I am posting the closing price of the particular investment in question as a demonstration and fun way for our 2 faithful readers to track the utter failure of X as he attempts to rebuild his lost fortune.   X bailed out on Zales to take a small profit to only watch a monster run-up in value yesterday that would have easily netted him a solid 4-digit profit.  Instead, the timid one went weak kneed and missed out on a golden opportunity.

Until our idiot IT department (the most reviled department here at FTI) learns how to track the lost opportunity on a  real time basis and add it to the tally as well, I will continue to track it manually and post it regularly.  In the meantime, just remember that in shopping for jewelry, in Mr. X's case, every kiss does NOT begin with Kaye.      

January 27, 2011 UPDATE:  Having displayed ample evidence of the complete lunacy of this choice, I am suspending the practice of tracking this embarrassment.  Mr. X will have to live with the knowledge that stock picking is not his forte.     

Monday, January 10, 2011

Life imitating Art

I got off of the phone earlier this morning and have discovered a new troubling revelation that defies normalcy.

The Rat Bastard G informed me that immortality is his goal and that he intends to become the ageless wonder  similar to the character in the novel "The Picture of Dorian Gray." The novel tells of a young man named Dorian Gray, the subject of a painting by artist Basil Hallward. Basil is impressed by Dorian's beauty and becomes infatuated with him, believing his beauty is responsible for a new mode in his art. Dorian meets Lord Henry Wotton, a friend of Basil's, and becomes enthralled by Lord Henry's world view. Espousing a new hedonism, Lord Henry suggests the only things worth pursuing in life are beauty and fulfillment of the senses. Realizing that one day his beauty will fade, Dorian (whimsically) expresses a desire to sell his soul to ensure the portrait Basil has painted would age rather than himself. Dorian's wish is fulfilled, plunging him into debauched acts. The portrait serves as a reminder of the effect each act has upon his soul, with each sin displayed as a disfigurement of his form, or through a sign of aging.

Unfortunately,  in the case of the G-man, the aging process is not accelerated with sinful deeds, but rather, through acts of stupidity.   And right now, he looks like this. 



Sunday, January 9, 2011

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then. 

Saturday, January 8, 2011

How many Fingers am I holding up?

An unfortunate incident has required me to invoke emergency powers here at FTI. 

Our Safety Director, Mrs Kfred, suffered an unfortunate fall this morning on her way to the FTI Sanitation Receptacle/Misfit Monument as some unseen ice had formed overnight and she slipped and fell and suffered a bruised back and slight blow to the head.   I happened to hear her gasp and the subsequent fall  and immediately sprung into action to investigate.  Finding her slumped on the ground, I helped her to her feet, and immediately rendered first aid.   Fearing that her analytical abilities may be compromised and testing her mental faculties, I  suspected something may be wrong as she  gave incorrect responses to the first 3 of the 4 baseline questions I had formulated including: 1)  the correct atomic weight of chromium, 2) the value of pi to the 6th decimal point, or 3) if CarrotTop was truly a funny comedian.    Only on the 4th question of who was the biggest well known  skinflint that her mumbled answer of "Dickie the Peap" make me realize there would be no long term permanent damage.  Regardless,  I immediately assumed duties for the time being and  know things will be OK on a long term basis. 

Thank God for some absolutes when conducting these type of tests. 

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Pssst. Hey Buddie. Wanna stock tip?

I received a phone call last night from ...well, let's see, this is kind of delicate.....um, he's a little bashful.......well, lets just say that to protect his identity that he is an individual whom we have discussed
about earlier concerning his involvement with an eerily similar sounding venture to our organization.   Let's  just call him call him, "Mr. X".  

Now "X" is a decent kind of fellow; fairly intelligent, definitely more than a bit quirky, but overall a guy that you can count on for sound advice and information on most topics, except one: Finances, specifically, stock picking.  At that point, "Mr. X" falls off the rail and you might as well invest everything you have regardless of loss, cost, or value in any company that exclusively manufactures VCR's, horsewhips, or wall crank telephones. I can assure you that your financial position in any companies in these types of industries  would return more than what X has done with his analytical picks.

"Mr. X" originally hired a second cousin of one of the Misfits on an interim basis to act as an intern of his organization. The resultant failure of this experience made me realize that though X is still one of my confidants, he certainly will not be my financial adviser. Anyways, X was bemoaning the fact that he had a particular investment that he had been holding for a period of time and decided to take a small profit from it and immediately put an order to his broker to sell it all the next morning. Sure enough, the next morning, the investment opened to the downside, further shrinking Mr. X's profit, but, hey, a profit is a profit. Then just as quickly, it reversed course and went up a full $1.25 a share before settling higher for the entire day. As a result, Mr. X watched $6,000 float by his greedy, grubby, overcharging, whining, little meathooks without snagging any part of it.

I feel sorry for X.  Instead of the Midas touch, he has something else.  I think it resembles the short-armed touch. 

Monday, January 3, 2011

From barbells to dumbells

I have begun to take advantage of a new Christmas gift that showed up here at the Institute during the past holiday season. It is designed to help improve my health, balance, and weight and I am having fun doing it.

Santa brought Mrs.Kfred a Nintendo Wii Fit Board and game for Christmas, and I must say, I am impressed. Having requested one last year, at the time I thought Mrs.Kfred might have had made another an unauthorized entry into the FTI infirmary and gotten into a bit extra of the healing spirits we keep here for medicinal purposes only (and when Marv the Neighbor comes over to socialize).  Instead, the Wii Fit has turned into a fun way to exercise without realizing it.  You are doing physical activity and balance exercises without the boring repetitive counting while burning calories along the way.  Make no mistake, the weight training part is not a game and is no picnic, but, since you choose your own level of difficulty, you can certainly control the level of intensity. 

So impressed with the Wii board, that I sent of an e-mail to Nintendo praising them for their fine work and explaining my duties here at the Institute.  I described our population in great detail and offered to collaborate on a new instrument they may be interested for developing, measuring, and recording the numerical equivalent of  the degree of thought process and intelligence quotient in individuals similar to our population here at FTI.  I was subsequently informed that the thimble has evolved to also serve this purpose. 
   

Sunday, January 2, 2011

It's New Year's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's the first Sunday of the year and tough enough to get this group to think during the entire last year let alone start eliciting anything meaningful from them now. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.