Monday, February 28, 2011

You are getting sleepy.... sleepy....slee.....

Awakening from a dream this morning, I had some real mixed feelings.

I had been restfully sleeping and drifted off to a surreal experience where I was informed that I was going to be laid off from work. I couldn't believe this was happening and began to panic not realizing what I was going to tell Mrs. Kfred to keep her calm or how I was going to meet my monthly obligations without a job. It was all so real. I tried to convince the messenger that it was a mistake and that they should keep me, but, I was told the decision had been made and that they were sorry.

I don't remember what else occurred but, did finally wake up. It took me a few minutes to come out of the fog and realize it was all a dream and that nothing had changed. The good news: I still have a job. The bad news: It wasn't my job here at FTI they were eliminating; it was my position in Dilbertland.

I think I will go back to sleep.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

It's Ironic you got a hold of us here

A couple of recent events have made me become increasingly worried about our reputation here at FTI.

In the last 24 hours I have received both a phone call on my personal Executive Director's secure line and an email from 2 different people I do not know inquiring into issues that I know nothing about. The phone call involved an inquiry and request to call back concerning the "Camry" I had available on Craigslist. I have never owned a Camry before.  The second incident was an email from an individual wanting to know if I was "under a gag order" as I hadn't responded to an earlier email. The sad thing is I never received an earlier email.

As relayed above, in both cases I have no idea what these people are talking about.   I find Craigslist readers to be a bit strange and the site itself is nothing more than an electronic want ads site. I don't peruse there any more than I would the ads in the newspaper. If I'm not buying, I'm not interested. NowI have used Craigslist to sell small items before but find that most of the respondents want you to pay them to take stuff and then never show when they state that they  "will be right out". As to being under a "gag order", I don't even know where to start with that one.

Obviously, I am proud of the work here at FTI, but certainly don't trumpet it very loudly for fear of ridicule, shame, and embarrassment.  For the Misfits. Not me.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

And now, a word from our Sponsor

I received an email yesterday from "Jason" at Blogflux who informed me that they have "been quiet for a while, but there is a lot going on in the background and new tools are coming." Jason also informed me that a new tool they would like to offer was a widget called the Daily Deals Widget. For our 2 faithful non-geek readers, a widget is an embedded tool put onto a blog much like our readers globe or the Stupidity Knows No Borders reader meter. Anyways this tool is designed for those living in the US, Canada, UK, Australia, or New Zealand, and is added to the site to show our users the latest daily deals in the local area.

Immediately suspecting this was nothing but another ploy advanced by Dickey the Peap to enjoy another free lunch, I tested the tool to check it out. Thankfully, there were no offers for free lunches for freeloaders, though, I did notice the 60% off savings offer on Waxing services at Bare Down There Waxing.  

I know there is a joke there somewhere. I just can't seem to identify it. 


Monday, February 21, 2011

Talk about procrastinators

I noted this news item from this past weekend; this past President's Day weekend, February 20, 2011! 

WASHINGTON (Reuters) – America's National Christmas Tree came tumbling down Saturday in a windstorm that battered the U.S. capital.

The 47-year-old, 42-foot-high (13-metre) Colorado blue spruce, which the president lit each year to mark the Christmas season, snapped near its base on the Ellipse near the White House.

"We're glad that there are no injuries," said Bill Line, a spokesman for the National Park Service.

"We're glad that it took place at a time when people were away from the tree and we are saddened that it has happened," he told Washington TV station WRC4.

Line said a new tree would be up in time for next Christmas.


Is it a wonder we can't get a budget together on time? Hell, we can't even put away the Christmas decorations until after Valentine's Day.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then. 

Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Dream. The Impossible dream

As part of our on-going "Quest for Excellence/the Unattainable Goal" initiative here at FTI, there is great pressure to succeed on our entire staff. Especially troubling is that a new component has been introduced this year.

Slated for vigorous discussion and debate at this Monday's staff meeting is a conversation over a requirement that all staff members pass a core competency test. The fact that our staff IS our staff would seem to negate this hurdle in the first place, but, our cheap-assed Board of Directors have insisted this be measured at well. I don't understand the nervousness surrounding this event as there seem to be no consequences for failure. After all, what's going to happen? If Gummo, the Balloon Boy's services are no longer needed here, what competitive group will need an individual with actual Balloon experience? Does anyone really think that Slateface's abilities are in demand? And other than being a spokesperson for either the Dollar Store organization or as a posterboy for anyone holding an elder abuse workshop, would Dickie the Peap land somewhere else? I think not.

In th end, I know the outcome: the losers here will remain. It's just our way.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Anyone have any questions?

I currently am on the road on non-Institute business on behalf of the good folks of Dilbertland. I am scheduled to speak this afternoon to a small audience and am looking forward to it.

Initially invited months ago, I was a bit apprehensive as I thought this might actually be a cover for an intervention session. Further investigation showed,this group is unaware of my shadow duties here at FTI and that this invitation was just a, "no, we want to hear about some of your stuff and have you pay for lunch while we do it", type of gathering. I am completely at ease with this type of meeting as this is exactly the same type of attitude that Dickey the Peap employs whenever he calls a similar meeting: I want to invite you, but you are going to pay. Not only is love the universal language, so is cheap.

Regardless, I expect some follow-up questions afterward and all topics will be open for discussion, save one: Any FTI items. I want to be invited back some time.

Monday, February 14, 2011

If you want the best, you have got to get the best

A big shout out is due the wizards of the newly developed FTI fiduciary underwriting control klatsch-usury panel section. Their dogged determination and perseverance in detailing our financial position over the weekend to the US government has netted the Institute a small 3 figure refund on our 2010 taxes. Needless to say, this is a welcome bit of news in an otherwise dreary economic landscape.

Our team was recently hired as there is a multitude of financial talent in the marketplace presently. Knowing that ours is a destination organization for some of these bright minds, reviewing some of the names of organizations from which our team hailed was a pleasure: Enron, Circuit City, Lehman Brothers, and Jedi Mind. These were huge players in their fields and I feel fortunate to have snagged key employees of each to help prepare our FTI return.

I am confident the return will withstand any type of possible scrutiny given to it by the IRS.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Hardly a historical uprising

Like the recent events in Egypt, I was alerted to some continuing noise and clatter outside the Executive Living Quarters here at FTI yesterday. Sending my staff trustee (and  assistant executive director), Giacommo, out to investigate he found Gummo, the Balloon Boy, Dickey the Peap, the Green Comic, Rat Bastard G, Mr. X (and his toadish tag-along, Friend of Mr.X) milling about the compound square mumbling something about change and threatening to disrupt the calm we enjoy.  In an apparent attempt to conceal their true identities for fear of reprisal, the group of dimwits decided to exchange clothes with one another so as not to be recognized.  So, seeing the Green Comic holding a collection of Balloons, the Rat Bastard holding the Friend of Mr. X's hand, and Dickey the Peap holding on to a nickel (somethings don't ever change), I was hardly unaware of whom was involved in the whole matter.  Fortunately, calmer heads prevailed with Giacomo's negotiated offer of settlement: a bowl of 3 day old popcorn and a mug of Ovaltine for each. 

Give Peace a chance. 

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I'm thinking of a number

I thought that the continuing  cockeyed investment saga of Mr. X was over with the recent postings of ineptness.  Instead , the story gets better. 

Mr. X called me yesterday excited about his latest venture.  Having earlier in the week fleeced a senior citizen out of a couple of hundred bucks in exchange for some manual labor around the old geezer's home, X is now setting his sites on cornering the market of ESP by investing in a company known as Jedi Mind (To our 2 faithful readers:  truly,  I can't make this stuff up.)  Once again, extensive analysis, raging greed, and blind unawareness,  has led X to a stock of a company that develops software for thought-controlled technologies, allowing the user to interact with the computer and other machines through the power of the mind.   TRANSLATION:  Give us your money, you will never see it again.  Having now taken a position on  60,000 shares, I mentioned to X that I would think that he would now be a member of the Board of Directors or at least part of the Executive team.  X replied that since share were only worth .01 cents each (that's right, one penny!) his $600  stake probably wasn't going to sway many decisions made by the company. 

Now I, for one, hope that X hits it big with this one.  I don't know, though. Apparently he missed this warning sign.  Regardless, all of this has cemented my choice for tomorrow's Jukebox selection.  I encourage you 2 faithful readers to return tomorrow and realize the connection.   

Monday, February 7, 2011

A not so super Super Bowl

Is it me or were all of the commercials during the Super Bowl yesterday, lame? 

And the movie trailers?  Daniel Craig in Cowboys and Aliens!?

If I didn't know better, I would suspect that a number of these ad agency types were alumni of FTI. Their work certainly resembled it.     

Sunday, February 6, 2011

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.
Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on by some snotty 6 year old kid. But, go ahead: take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking. Like most places, our admonishments are the same: "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Gee. this is roomy

I am off to the car dealership today to deal with a recently discovered problem with our year old FTI Central Research, Analysis, and Policy (CRAP) Vehicle. Routine maintenance performed by an outside competent mechanic discovered a problem that our members of the FTI motor pool team failed to recognize:  a potential failure that could incur the total replacement of the transmission.   This on a vehicle that is just 13 months old!

My problem is not with the vehicle itself, but, rather the dealership's reluctance to accept the vehicle into the shop. Oh, they have no problem doing the work; it is just that they requested I bring it in under cover of total darkness.  Apparently our FTI logo emblazoned on the side was the source of  worry and ridicule by some employees and adjoining businesses.  (Obviously, our work is known region wide.)  Regardless, I have to bring the vehicle in before sunrise in order to get the necessary work done.

For my efforts, however, I did extract one concession from the dealer:  they will give me a loaner vehicle while mine is being repaired.  Apparently it is some type of trade they just took in.  Clean, Well-maintained.  Low miles.  Room for 12.  The prior owner:  Ringling Brothers.