Sunday, February 28, 2010

It's tryout Sunday

In order to freshen the thinking and quality of conclusions arrived here, we are conducting Tryout Sunday.  Based on a startling revelation posted  in the comments section of this past Tuesday's effort, we are excited to announce the approval to add a new team member as authorized by the cheap-assed Board of Directors.    Think of it as kind of a reverse "American Idol" competition.

Part of the reason for Tryout Sunday is that the misfits can't seem to generate much worth reading; thats why we are always looking for candidates.  As proof, take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.  I'm sure you will agree we need some new blood. 

See you tomorrow.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

To quote the late Alexander Haig, " As of now, I am in control....."

Ah, the weekend is finally here and I have a chance to resume my normal duties here at the Institute.   Though sometimes disheartening, there is a distinct feeling of satisfaction knowing that my efforts to contain these idiots in a single location are appreciated by all people once they observe our team.  A simple, knowing, "Thank God it's you and not me" comment solidify my thoughts that my efforts are not in vain. 

I had some visiting authority from the National Chapter of Dilbertland in town for 3 days and  spent the majority of this week attending to the responsibilities associated with that.  In my absence, the Institute has been fairly quiet. A couple of non-issues: The Institute Olympics idea was quickly scuttled as the Misfits  just cannot master (do not have?) the abilities to assemble in one place to begin the opening march-in, let alone, compete in any meaningful events to determine some sort of "winner";   Freako  Deako is coming back from treatment vacation and has requested a meeting with  Mrs Kfred and me next week to discuss our upcoming visit to  Palm Springs in March (I am considering a satellite location for the Institute); and Dickey the Peap is still in hiding. 

On the horizon, I have been  meeting with the FTI finance department in regards to the preparation of our yearly tax statements.  Our original charter mandated our creation as an agreement between us and our State Attorney General's office as restitution on behalf of some indiscretions a few of our members.   As a result, we agreed to perform community service for an undetermined amount of time at no cost.  The  FTI legal team (whom got their ass handed to them recently by my personal lawyer, Shifty),  however, has questioned that arrangement and suggested we may indeed be liable for taxes.  Note to the FTI legal squad:  We pay you guys to help us avoid taxes, not pay them!  Idiots.

Staff evaluations, leave requests, planning for the Staff Summer picnic, a pending wedding.  All part of my upcoming duties.   Regardless, Mrs. Kfred and I are off this evening to see Goldilocks perform in her newest musical, "The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs" ( It must be good, the producers extended the run and added 4 more shows).   Just remember:  "Thank God, its you and not me".

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Maybe the community cable access channel has some time to fill

Noting that the Winter Olympics are currently being held in the other Vancouver,  the subject was brought up at our staff meeting yesterday that perhaps we should have our own FTI Olympics for the staff to break up the midwinter "blah's" .  

The problem, however, lies in the development of appropriate events in which  our staff would compete.  The winter snowfall has been very light, so,  the ability to make snow orderlies  is out.  The FTI wastewater treatment facility never freezes over and  is not large enough for short track speed skating.  When notified via email, Dickie the Peap volunteered to take over the concession duties as he immediately saw the opportunity to gouge visitors on overpriced parking, lodging, and food charges as a means to add to his already bulging personal fortune.    In desperation, Gummo, the Balloon Boy, suggested apartment hunting as an exhibition event.  That suggestion was soundly rejected.    

I have noticed a marked decrease in the quality of thinking produced lately and feel some type of mental diversion is in order to help our team.  I am concerned however about our team uniforms.  It will be very difficult to identify one another as the events are happening  because the white jumpsuits tend to blend together.  We already have a hard time keeping track of this bunch as stupidity does not seem to have  a particular standout trait.   During our rehearsals for the opening ceremony, the misfits came marching in  the wrong end of the FTI compound.  This is definitely not a made-for-TV moment. 

Sunday, February 21, 2010

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.



See you tomorrow.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Time for some quick R & R

Mrs. Kfred and I are going to the ocean for the weekend with some friends. The Institute is located about 2 hours from the beach and since springtime has been darting about lately, I thought I would combine both and enjoy them together. 

The misfits have been behaving themselves and have recently surfaced.  Dickey the Peap is still on the lam, but, has contacted me privately to notify me of his whereabouts.  For the time being, he has chosen to take a room at a transient hotel 1000 miles away where he doesn't need to worry about losing his pants.  Gummo, the Balloon Boy, is out looking for somewhere  to stay as he was recently notified that he would need to move from where he lived before spending time with us.   He has been eyeing various locales and should have a decision between the Kitchen-Aid refrigerator packing box and the  spacious bridge bulkhead under the freeway  shortly.   (Knowing that impulsive Gummo, he will probably shoot the budget and upgrade to the abandoned school bus in the junkyard, instead.)

I have left instructions with the cheap-assed Board of Directors that they are on their own if any problems occur in the next 48 hours as  I will not be returning phone calls or be accessible via e-mail.   Like the staff, I too, occasionally try to break the tether of today's various electronic communication devices.  Unlike the staff, mine aren't wrapped around my ankles. 

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Trade talks are heating up

While certainly having my hands full here at FTI with the present staff, I feel that I can handle the duties of managing and overseeing our collection of bumblers.    Though not a career aspiration that a normal person would aspire, there seems to be an odd infatuation surrounding our organization.  Some people actually DO want to be associated with us.  In the past, we have had some veiled and not-so-veiled  inquiries to joining the FTI network, but, I felt the caliber of thinking exhibited by the individuals inquiring  was certainly superior to our staff and I didn't think they would be a good fit. 

A director at a parallel type of organization, Giacomo, has brought to my  attention a candidate whom he feels would be a good fit here at FTI.  Like me, Giacomo has extensive experience in dealing with odd personalities and inconsistent behaviors, irrational ideas, and  unexplained absences.  He feels his candidate, CrazY, would fit in well and has suggested he be placed here.  I am well aware of the behaviors of Crazy, considered this notion for a total of about 15 seconds, and immediately decided against the same.  C'mon!  CrazY?!  The name alone implies trouble. 

Probably surprising to most readers, FTI is not part of a larger "league".  Directors of various facilities do not sit around and offer to trade staff members on a regular basis.  We don't attempt to measure which organization is more ill-suited for normalcy versus one another.  The only competition we are a part of is to avoid the race to the bottom.  Unfortunately, FTI has been at the bottom of the standings since it's inception and I don't see any imminent change in the near future.   Like our own Freako Deako, we all have  members whom typify our organizations.   We don't need another whack-job.  With deference to my esteemed colleague, no thank you. You keep CrazY.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Never doubt the power of the internet

While doing some deep analysis yesterday in studying the traffic patterns that direct readers  to the FTI website, I noticed a disturbing event that bears mentioning.  

We had a visitor yesterday whom performed a Google search that resulted in their arrival at our site.  This would not normally bear any further mention except for the odd phrase that was used to bring them here in the first place.  The reader (and I am not making this up) searched for the phrase "what do 12 monkeys and flatliners have in common?".   As proof, I challenge our 2 faithful readers to verify  by checking  here.  Right there.  There it is, the third subject down.  (I assume this posting will generate a "hit" as well since I am using those key words.  )

I began thinking:  What DO 12 monkeys and flatliners have in common and why would a Google search refer them here?  The answer:  we do have similarities! For instance, we have a core squad of 6 idiots whom are of basically the same intelligence level as 12 monkeys.  Monkeys are the "clowns" of the zoo; our team are the clowns of the community.  Monkeys scratch themselves in private places in public spaces; so do our guys.  Monkeys are kept in compounds for observation.  We have 2 readers that observe our team of idiots.

The internet has changed information gathering and how we learn in the few years of it's existence.  I only wish I had known about it's power before I arrived here at FTI.  Had I done so, I would have bought a couple of monkeys. 

Monday, February 15, 2010

An alternative Alice in Wonderland adventure

Having served my 10 Day suspension for still unknown reasons, I am now back and resuming full duties as Executive Director here at FTI.  The legal agreement that my lawyer, Shifty, negotiated prevents me from commenting about specifics of the charges in the first place.  I can state, however, that I can continue to make fiscally related budgeting behavior comments about the Board of Directors with no impunity, whatsoever.

Let's review some of the damage that occurred during my absence:

1)  The Friday jukebox franchise was tarnished with the playing of the 1980's Japanese science fiction commercial.  I have no idea what the idiots were trying to promote or display other than the Godzilla vs. Rodan movies of the 50's may indeed have been the pinnacle of Japanese entertainment. 

2)  The Sunday "green " policy, so carefully tended and cultivated, was trampled and uprooted by Gummo the Balloon Boy along with a threat to "pants" a fellow staff member, "that Nancy-Boy" Dickey the Peap.

3)  The Green Comic is flatout not funny.   

4)    The Hayward family's quiet, white picket fence, suburbia enjoying, existence and  anonymity were shattered when realizing life had dealt them  a cruel blow  by being associated with our band of do-nothings.  The stain of idiocy by association will never be cleansed.  I am sorry for you.

and finally,

5)  This site has been characterized as a "Mommy" blog.  Nothing sully's the FTI reputation for cutting edge analysis, observation, and policy direction worse than to be grouped in with writings of cupcake recipes and mini van mishaps. 

An update of the staff: The two main instigators of the damage,  Gummo, the Balloon Boy and Rat Bastard G, are nowhere to be found.  Dickie the Peap is on the lam somewhere fearing he may lose his trousers.  Freako Deako still has 20 treatments days left on his 45 day "vacation", Commando Barney is still pouting over the Minnesota Vikings probable loss of Brett Favre next season, and Marv the Neighbor just  eliminated a potential picnic menu item with less than favorable results by experimentally deep frying  a cat.    (C'mon!  The cat was dead in the first place.)

While I was gone, I met someone whom asked how I would best describe this entire FTI episode.  The best parallel I can think of is that we are something like the World Wrestling Entertainment outfit:  We've got pretty boys and we have villains.   We just don't have feathered boa's.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

It's success Sunday!!

After marathon negotiations lasting all day yesterday and deep into the evening last night, I am pleased to announce a breakthrough in the impasse!  The cheap-assed Board of Directors agreed to reinstate me at my old position as Executive Director of FTI.  Our amiable agreement does not allow me to share details of our settlement (those bastards;  I'll eventually expose them for the 2 faced SOB's they truly are!) other than allowing me to express my satisfaction in the effort of both sides.   

In the meantime,  we have re-instituted our "green" policy here at FTI.   Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Change is in the wind

Shifty, my lawyer, just called me early this morning after an all night negotiating session with the cheap-assed FTI Board of Directors discussing my reinstatement as Executive Director at FTI.  Evidently, they and the Hayward family have had enough  embarrassment and ridicule as a result of the losers trying to run the FTI website during my still undisclosed forced departure that there seems to suddenly be a sense of urgency to make some changes.    Though nothing concrete has been agreed to, he assures me that things are beginning to move.  I can't confirm if he was  talking about the pace of negotiations concerning my return or the desires for  "regularity" by the particpants.  Regardless, there should be a breakout event in the next few hours.

As best as I can determine, there was some  unhappiness with me for constantly referring to the Board with the adjective, "cheap-assed".   A couple of members got in a snit and decided that costs could be further cut by determining that my services were no longer desired and to let the staff takeover running the website.     That plan came to a screeching halt, however, when they realized that once the Weirdo's, Whacko's,  and Misfits took control of the website, the FTI organization not only was subject to total humiliation and ridicule, but also, legal persecution as witnessed by the threatened suit brought forth by the Hayward's attorney.

I have investigated a few changes I can implement in the near future and will certainly become a bit more respectful of upper management and the staff in general.  In particular, the phrases "ass-clown",  "dipwad", and "scumface" will no longer be used by me in describing the staff or Board  ( I have instructed Shifty to negotiate to allow me to continue to use "cheap-assed", however).  During my time off, I have had time for some self-reflection and realize I have made mistakes as well.  After all, calling our staff stupid would be an insult to stupid people.


 

Thursday, February 11, 2010

The unkindest cut of all

Kfred here and I'm not happy! 

A reader surmises that this site has become a MOMMY BLOG!? What in the Hell is going on here?  You bastard's actually stole someone else's blog material and put it out as your own??!  A nice, sweet family page by the Haywards, hijacked and commandeered, all for the purpose of filling space? 

For the past week, I have witnessed the general deterioration and  utter destruction of the FTI website.  What was once mostly askew is now totally unhinged and rapidly revealing itself to be the true trainwreck I have worked so hard to hide.  I can only imagine the shock and disappointment the Hayward family feels of knowing their posts have been pirated by the caretaker idiots at FTI.   

Though still serving a suspension for unknown reasons, I have a moral obligation to make some apologies: 

To the Haywards:  my deepest apologies.  If I were you, I would seek legal council and sue for pain and embarrassment damages for  being associated with these losers.

To our 2 loyal readers (if you are still there):  Though quality has never been a strong suit of the thinking produced by FTI, I can assure you that had I been in charge of posts these past few days, the level of subject material would be slightly higher.  Without setting the bar at a potentially never-attainable level, I emphasize the adjective, "slightly."

And lastly to the blogosphere community at large: I apologize for having assembled this group of losers and for actually thinking that  they even had the ability to  accomplish these types of deeds.  This is the same team that wears Velcro latched shoes versus shoes with actual laces, for God's sake.  And we haven't even begun to discuss the personal hygiene issues.  These losers are helpless and in need of a bath. 

Shifty is in negotiation currently with the cheap-assed FTI Board of Directors to have my suspension dropped and to be immediately reinstated.  Based on what I've seen in the last week, I think our bargaining leverage will have greatly increased.  For the Hayward's sake, let's hope so.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Hey, this is getting tough. We'll just borrow someone else's stuff.

Hey, The Green Comic here. We are all sharing the responsibility for putting stuff up  here. Of course,  I  have nothing original to add, so, will do what  I do best:  Use someone else's stuff.  Hope you want to learn about Gingerbread houses.

I have always wanted to make a gingerbread house from scratch. I found an awesome recipe online so I decided to give it a shot this year. Isaac helped me make the gingerbread on Saturday. Tony made the templates and cut out the house and we all helped decorate it! I think it turned out great! Maybe this will become a yearly tradition here..

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Not quite as easy as it looks, is it?

Ok, so this gig is a little more work than we originally thought , but we can do it.    To prove out abilities, allow me to introduce one of the funniest guys I know.  Ladies and Gentlemen!  The Green Comic!!



"Thanks, Gummo.  Hey, Hey, Hey Ladies and Gentlemen!  Great to be here!    A SALESMAN  RINGS A DOORBELL, AND A YOUNG BOY ANSWERS THE DOOR WEARING A LONG VELVET GOWN,  A STRING OF PEARLS, A BLONDE WIG,  AND HOLDING A MARTINI.  THE SALESMAN ASKS, "ARE YOUR PARENTS HOME"?  THE BOY ASKS, " WHAT DO YOU THINK"?

"OK, OK, how about, MY GIRLFRIEND HAS ANOREXIA. YEAH I'M SEEING LESS AND LESS OF HER!!"


So Green is still working on his material, but, I'm telling you, the guy is hilarious. Hey, Rat.  Any progress on finding that Peap character?  Do we have anyway to track him.  Perhaps, his wallet?  Oh, that's right.  A wallet to the Peap is like a crucifix to a vampire.  Toxic. 

Well, I'm telling you, we can run this site without any supervision.  We're working on it. 

(EDITORS NOTE:  The above was submitted and posted as written.  We are here strictly for grammatical and factual accuracy.  We direct you to leave any complaints concerning quality of content  with the cheap-assed FTI Board of Directors.)

Monday, February 8, 2010

A message from exile

Kfred here.  

I am able to remotely access the FTI site due to the continuing ineptness of the FTI IT department ( the most reviled department at FTI) and it's know-nothing staff.  As noted in an earlier post, our delay in upgrading to Windows '95 on the FTI server has allowed me this opportunity to exploit the on-line security mechanism (password: dillweed) to communicate with you,  the 2 loyal FTI followers.

A quick update on our status to date:  I am rested, relaxed, but sadly, witnessing the complete meltdown of the FTI site for the past 3 days.  I have spent time on  maintenance duties of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe as it seized up while analyzing the statements posted by the band of idiots.  Dicky the Peap's comment of support, in particular, caused the electronic marvel to smoke, buzz, and whir until I was able to unplug it.  I do note that the staff portrayal of  him as a "Nancy-Boy, Kiss-ass"  was fairly accurate.  I can only assume the Peap was espousing this type of opinion as he mistakenly thought there would be a pending paid lunch on the horizon.  I remind you, Mr. Peap, the next scheduled  lunch meeting will be on your nickel.  (Dicky the Peap:  the only guy I know who  makes copper wire by playing tug-a-war with a penny.)  Otherwise, he would be back to the regular routine  of character bashing and indifference of my authority. 

My legal council, Shifty, is plotting a strategy for my return with full exoneration.  In the meantime, I thank you 2 faithful readers for your continuing support, encouragement, and best wishes.  One noted reader went so far as to question the seemingly addiction of following this site in the first place.  The only answer I can surmise is that the human curiosity is fickle:  Patterned after our real life inspiration from long ago, when the sideshow comes to town, you gotta go see it.  Ripley's Believe it of Not has nothing on us.   

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Look it up yourself

It's Sunday and  we aren't working.   In fact, we might not be back for a while.

And that green stuff?  That's a bunch of crap.   If you want to look something up from the past, look here .  In the meantime, me and the boys are looking for that Nancy-Boy, Kiss-ass, Dicky the Peap.  When we locate him, me and the rest of the squad  are gonna "pants" him.   

We might be back tomorrow.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

At least it's not a Mommy blog

Since we are now in charge of Flatline Thinking, we are announcing a new direction for this blog.  There will be no more comments about our abilities, shortcomings, or embarrassing events we've committed.

You might have seen some changes already.  We put up our favorite video yesterday and can promise you more of the same in the future.  Marv, the Neighbor is working on some safety tips for cooking deep fried turkey (almost thawed=bad), The Green Comic has already located some previously told jokes from the 70's that he hasn't posted,  and The Rat Bastard G and I are figgerin' to change the name of this blog so it reflects something else.  We're working on a name that would center around the daily lives of a group of people and their daily existence.    We don't have a name yet, but, before he got suspended , Kfred had suggested  a couple: Little Minds, Big World; Last, and  Weirdos, Whacko's and Misfits, oh My!  Maybe that is why the dumbass got suspended.  What do you have to say for yourself now Mr. Bigshot? 

That's the way it's gonna be around here from now on.  Since nobody but the same 2 people reads this thing anyways, the change shouldn't matter. 

Signed,

Gummo the Balloon Boy

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Will it be a paid leave?

I have been officially notified that I am on suspension as Executive Director of FTI for an indefinite period .    I just received the notification last night and have been relieved of all supervisory duties of the staff until further notice.  I'm not quite sure of the official reasoning, but then, nothing around here makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. 

The largest benefactor here at FTI happened to take take offense at my 60 minutes  posting a week ago where I was able to sit down and "get inside of the heads" of a couple of our members.  Apparently, the interview seemed to be the breaking point as it made our staff  look a little "less cerebral" (the benefactor's words) than what they truly are.  I thought it to be an accurate portrayal of our abilities and had no problem in publishing the results.  (Ironically, this morning, a past affiliate made the national news with his well thought out exploits.  This is the caliber of our team. )  I was summoned to an emergency meeting of the cheap-assed Board of Directors and given the news late last night.

I do value my position here at the Institute and plan to fight this punishment vigorously.  I have retained legal council and look forward to my vindication.    There is no clear chain of command here at FTI other than me because no one else is dumb enough to get mixed up with this tribe in the first place.  I assume the staff will be free to produce and publish their own policy and positions for the foreseeable future.  I do caution the readership, however, that you may be disappointed with the results.   Their last  attempt was to write a note, describe themselves and their various ages, place it in a bottle, toss it into the nearest body of water, and see how far the message would travel until someone contaced them.  Unfortunately, they threw it  in the ornamental FTI wishing well.  To date, no one has responded.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Partly Cloudy with a few sunbreaks

Groundhog Day has turned into one of the Holidays I absolutely dread.  The pageantry, spectacle, store ads announcing rodentcide sales, and the grandeur of the day has been increasingly ruined by the squabbling, hair-pulling,  and petty jealousy exhibited by the staff over who gets to be in the front of the crowd of our own local display to see the little rodent make his appearance.  Additionally, the days leading up to the second day of February are  filled with me constantly reassuring our team that, "Yes, we will go get a milkshake afterward",  or, "Now, now, don't worry. No one is going to try to make a hat out of him".   

In anticipation of the nervousness and anxiety brought on the staff, one of the members of the cheap-assed Board of Directors bought the above training device from a defunct Romanian carnival sideshow 2 months ago thinking that the staff could use it to train in advance and to get a feel for the fleeting moments that the groundhog actually makes his appearance.  It was hoped for that they would be more relaxed when the actual event occurred.  Unfortunately, the unit has been hung up in Customs and yet to clear quarantine.  Thus, the nervousness and anxiety continues. 

I am pleased to report, however, that our full supply of rubber suction cup tipped arrows arrived safely and we are currently  in training for Valentines Day.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Have you seen my nuts?


Desperate times drive people  to  desperate measures. These hard economic times have forced many people to re-evaluate the basics of life and adjust their priorities in order to meet them.  Less consumption, fewer luxuries, more self-reliance;  all methods  used to cope with economic conditions most of us have never experienced. 
Let me illustrate by example:  Mrs.  Kfred is involved on a search committee at her place of employment to find a suitable candidate to fill an opening they  employ.  The position is a low level staff position that requires a Bachelors Degree and 2 years of relevant experience with a salary in the low $30's range plus benefits.  All in all, not a bad job, but not exactly one that is going to make one rich, either.  Yet, the candidates have been pouring out of the woodwork for this position.  People with Masters degrees, Ph.d  levels, doctoral candidates.  The spectrum is endless.   I was naive to think that we at FTI  were insulated from this type of activity.  After all who would want to join us?

In the past 2 weeks, I have been approached by two different individuals hinting about joining our organization.  The caliber of these 2 particular types is certainly superior to the staff we currently employ.  Their presence here would greatly improve and raise the level of analysis we deliver on a daily basis.  Figuring these 2 would be a solid addition to our team, even if it meant for a short while, I approached the cheap-assed Board of Directors over the weekend to see if we could squeeze some extra dollars out of our budget to secure the intellectual properties exhibited by these individuals.  Unfortunately, our normal springtime Intellectually Diverse Intelligence Oriented Team-member (IDIOT)  recruitment drive has been canceled this year.  Apparently, one of the low level staffers deep inside our own FTI bureaucracy "accidentally" authorized the purchase of over 2000 Slap Chop  kitchen tools as holiday gifts and we are now trying to pay the bill off.  As a result, we are in no position to add staff this year. 

I informed both candidates that unfortunately, FTI was in no position to add positions at this time.  Both took the news well, accepted a small token of gratitude from  FTI  for their interest,  and went on their way.  Happy.  Excited.  Fulfilled.  After all, they now know that they just have to add a little onion and celery to some tuna and POW!  Instant tuna salad.