Thursday, April 28, 2011

It's a long time coming







A disappointing announcement came through yesterday that just seems to defy all type of logic.

The 2011 FTI Dopes Trial has been postponed for another month due to, according to the administrative clerk of our county, "circumstances beyond our control". I have no idea what that means. Did our retiring judge choose to upgrade to the "premium" package and opt for an additional 7 days on his retirement cruise? Has the idiot defendant once again gamed the system? (I find this scenario unlikely as I am sure Shifty, my lawyer, would be all over this one.) All I know is that we are now out one more month, the first week of June, to once and for all settle our wee bit of controversy.

I assigned the idiot members of the FTI IT Department (the most reviled department here at FTI) to create some type of countdown clock to post on our page (if, for nothing else, my own satisfaction and as a reminder to how long justice truly takes in our society). So far over 24 hours of brainstorming, they have come up with the brilliant result pictured above. I summarily rejected this idea and demanded something a bit more high tech, but, allowed it due to our pressing publishing deadline this morning. I cannot, however, fault them for their description of the measurement of time.  This description truly portrays a long, long time.   

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Oh, It's that kind of Trunk Organizer

Apparently not thinking our cause was worthy or having read our letter a scant 9 months ago explaining so, I got another request from A. Barry Rand, Executive Director at the AARP, in the mail yesterday to once again join his organization. I thought my well reasoned, clearly thought-out, succinct letter spelled our position in detail that anyone could understand.  Alas, A. Barry, even your bribe of the FREE Trunk Organizer is simply not enough to pony up the annual $16 to be a part of the Old Folks League.  I do,  however A., want to  introduce you to a fellow whom also sent me a request to join his organization as well yesterday.  Perhaps the 2 of you should speak with one another.  Really, the fact that your 2 letters arrived in my mailbox at the same time was kind of interesting.  Anyways,  he won't bite.  His name is John.  John:  A. Barry.  A. Barry: John.

John's request was a 2 page letter that didn't offer me anything as cool as the FREE Trunk Organizer.  He was also much more aggressive in asking for money. 3 times in his message he implored me to send $25, $50, or $100 to his organization to help them meet their goals as well.  He buttered me up by calling me a leader, explained his goals,  and then thanked me for all I have done and for what I continue to do.   Our work here at the Institute is fairly non-descript and so I was a bit surprised that he even knew of it, but, there it was.  In writing.  On his own personalized stationery.  A letter from John thanking me for my efforts and asking for some money.  I tossed it as quick as I tossed old A. Barry's request.   Someone always has their hand out looking for money.

It's funny.  We have been toiling here on a very modest budget since our beginning.  I actually have been thinking of applying for a government grant to continue the fine work we do here.  Knowing the current budget process is trying to identify as much unnecessary and wasteful expenditures, I guess I would have to make a strong case in order to receive any  of this money.  I would have to have an "in" with someone; I would have to "know" someone at the top that could streamline the process and cut through the bullshit. I went back to the garbage and pulled John's letter back out and then it hit me.  I do know someone.  I know John Boehner, the Speaker of the House!  He wrote to me.  We're pen pals. 

I wonder if I will get a piece of real ivory if I send money. 
  

Sunday, April 24, 2011

It's Easter Sunday

It's the Holiest of Days in the Christian Religion.  And just like our idiots seem to celebrate their own type of  religion, we take time to pause and celebrate as well.  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Easter Bunny Go Home

For only the fourth time in what seems about 2 months, it is actually bright, light, and a sunshine filled morning today. I intend to get outdoors and plant some new vegetation that has suffered over the winter.

I have suspended our normal FTI Easter Egg Hunt/Beer Garden Plaza Event after the results of last year's fiasco.   We didn't get all of the chicken legs collected and the resulting rotting of meat attracted wild animals  and produced a horrible smell which was initially mistaken as emanating from  the FTI wastewater treatment facility.  Regardless, it's a new day and a new beginning.

For his sake, I hope the Easter Bunny doesn't think he needs to stop here.  There is enough make believe going on.  We don't need any more. 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

A Funeral for A Friend



I am having lunch with Dickey the Peap today. 

We had originally scheduled to have lunch tomorrow, but, a change in date of an event  for Friday altered our plans, so, today it is. I believe it is the little miser's turn to buy and that in itself should make for a joyous day.   In making our plans, however, I discovered that  the Frugal One is burdened with a heavy heart.  It seems that the recent passing of a very close friend (whom I have never met) of our boy and the very odd friendship these two shared has made his attitude blue.  I understand. These things are painful and, for Dickey, this one hits home fairly hard.  In wanting to give him some comfort in realizing these things occur, that death is really a part of life, and truly wanting to help, I asked Dickey if he would share a  copy of the eulogy with me.  My intent was maybe I could add my own thoughts as well.  Here is what he gave to me: 

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life and pay homage to the passing of an old friend.  Though I know that none of you never knew him, he certainly knew all of you.  Some of you even better than others.  Regardless, no one should leave this earth without a small remembrance.  And that, my friends, is why we are here today. 

The Bible tells us that if we work on behalf of the Lord's Glory, though, we may not earn riches here on Earth, our reward will be bountiful in heaven.  Fortunately, the Lord did bless our friend with many riches and abundant blessings during his time on earth.  And yet, with all of God's graces showered upon him, his sharing of those riches, by intent,  was extremely limited.   Never once, was he first to offer his help, share his treasure, or host the event.  No friends, this concept was a foreign one to him. 

You see friends, his  place in life was always the same:   He knew where to remain.  Hidden.  Obscured.  Away from the Action.  Whether it be left behind in the car,  hiding away at home, or just remaining in plain sight and not moving a muscle, our dear friend steadfastly refused to join and get involved.  No amount of coaxing was about to move him.  And now, he is gone.  Forever.  For never more.

And so it is, ashes to ashes and dust to dust.    From this earth you were formed and to this earth you will return.  Good bye, dear Friend. 


Thinking that this special relationship that Dickey shared with his dog must have been one of a kind, it almost brought tears to my eyes.  I was just about to say that  you can never replace a loyal dog and I would understand if he waited a bit before getting another one.  Then, after reading all of this, it hit me!  Dickey never had a dog. I know what he is doing on Friday afternoon!  He is going shopping. He has to get a new wallet. The old one died. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A bit of Faith restored

Talk about impeccable timing!  No sooner than I had chronicled the  experience of our upcoming Trial of the Century, the 2011 FTI Dopes Trial, than I receive an email yesterday afternoon from my lawyer, Shifty, that the preliminary appeal by the idiot defendant had been denied by the appellate court!    This opens up a huge door in our case and effectively blocks the other side from advancing their idiotic positions  any further, not to mention saving us valuable time (and dollars!). 

We have waited over 2 and one half years to get to this point and many times I have wondered if this struggle is worth it.  Many sleepless nights of worry, anger, and frustration have occurred due the greedy actions of one individual that never had to come to this point.  Mrs. Kfred, myself, and our fellow plaintiffs have only wanted nothing but one thing in this whole affair: to be treated fairly and evenly.  This isn't about money.  It's not about power.  It's not about control.  It's about doing the right thing. Unfortunately, we have had to sue to have the right thing done.  I know I am talking in code and I have not revealed what this is all about, but,  it will come out shortly. 

And believe me.  There will be a big blowout when this is all finished.  I think I hear the band warming up.   

Monday, April 18, 2011

Our temporary leave is over

Our normal production of meaningful analysis and commentary has been interrupted a bit over the last couple of weeks due to our involvement with the FTI Legal team for the upcoming trial of the century (instead of the landmark 1925 Scopes Trial, this is to be identified as the 2011 FTI Dopes Trial). The Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe® is now safely back here at FTI having been loaned out to our lawyer, Shifty, for his use and assistance in actually finding the truth.  The FTD® was put through the most demanding of analytical trial periods that even exceed what the manufacturer had ever intended the mechanical marvel to perform and it functioned brilliantly.

During legal discovery, a number of statements, documents, scenarios, and possibilities were examined and judged to be anywhere on a scale of , "Well, thats kind of how it happened", to "Nah, that's Bullshit".  (Most of it was on this lower end of the spectrum).    I will discuss the trial once we get underway, but, can't before we actually begin.  I can offer one teaser however: last week, the idiot defendant got frustrated during depositions and called Shifty a "chump" on the record.    The  FTD® registered nary a hiccup over that statement. (OK, that was a cheap lawyer joke.  Shifty is a good guy and I am glad he is pushing our case for us).  I guess when your defense starts to unravel before you own eyes, it can't be a comforting feeling, and you get a bit frustrated.   

Anyway, we're back, the Dopes trial is a mere 15 days away, and I am once again determined to offer the truth as only we can present it.  A final note:  at no time during our intellectual absence was anything published here that did not meet out strict adherence to a policy of complete accuracy, forthrightness, and openness.  After all, if I lied about it, it would actually improve out reputation.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

It's Palm Sunday

It's one week before the Holiest of Days in the Christian Religion.  And just like our idiots seem to celebrate their own type of  religion, we take time to pause and celebrate as well.  I'm taking the staff out to Brunch.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Oh, that explains it

An actual study conducted on our behalf succinctly, accurately, and fairly,  pretty much sums up my position here as Executive Director.

I commissioned this study by an outside affiliate whom has increasingly displayed the tendencies to become a member of our staff and, as a result, will be recommending him for induction during our next membership drive. In the meantime, I display his work for your review.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

FTI Math

Part of the intellectual pursuit/behind-the-scenes struggle occurring last week included a small subset drama over my personal compensation.

Though clearly enunciated in the "About FTI" tab at the top of this page that states "we have agreed to perform this community service for an undetermined amount of time at no cost", a small (think Dickey the Peap meal tip type of small) caretaker fee is given to me on a monthly basis. Having performed this service for the past 2 years with no adjustment whatsoever, I quietly approached our Cheap-Assed Board of Directors in the hopes they would address this issue. When the intellectual disagreement issue came to a head, though, my stipend issue was quickly moved down the list of priorities and it was tabled by the BOD. Now, that the intellectual content matter has been settled, I am pleased to announce that an agreement to increase my stipend by 2.5% has been reached.

Let see, I think I can do this one in my head: that's, uh, this times .025, carry the 9, bring down the 7, move 3 decimal points to the left, and add 2. Got it. I am now at officially at the US Government's Poverty level. God, this is a great gig!

Sunday, April 10, 2011

It's Reconciliation Sunday

An agreement has been reached and a major crisis resolved:   we're gonna be able to produce the continuing stupidity some more . Due to the grueling negotiations, however, we are taking today off and enjoying our normal Sunday brunch. 

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

We are definitely at an impasse

We are currently facing a stalemate of epic proportions as to the direction we wish to pursue in the future here at FTI.     I can't seem to get the 2 factions of our intellectual debate  to give enough of their respective positions in order to find a common ground.  Alas, we may be in for as shutdown if some type of agreement is not met shortly.

As noted yesterday, I had the "Chump Chatter" faction submit an example of the type of material they wished to pursue.  Still liking the art idea that the Chump Chatter group advanced, yesterday, I asked the other side to produce a piece of art they would offer in  alignment with their stated policy direction.   Fully expecting a highbrow, clearly defined, intellectually advanced piece of work, I was sadly disappointed with the example offered:



I was uncertain of the relevance of this offering and asked  how the Whacko, Weirdo, Misfit faction would describe this lovely velvet painting.   I was told this piece was symbolic of  a man whom walked on water, changed lives, and was misunderstood by most people  during his short life here on earth.  And  "we haven't even begun to describe Jesus' life experience."  

I have already notified the utility company to prepare to suspend service to the FTI compound for the foreseeable future. 
    

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Could this argument shut us down?

Ripped from the pages of today headlines, a battle is brewing here at FTI that is similar to a battle being currently fought in the public arena.  Fortunately, it has nowhere near the complications involved. 

At our normal Monday staff meeting, a chasm was revealed that could result in a shutdown here at FTI unless some sort of compromise is not reached. Unlike the Federal government's battle between political parties about government spending, our differences emanate over a battle of intellectual pursuit. On the surface, I know that sound like an oxymoron, however deeper investigation shows an argument vigorously defended by both points of view. On one side, there is an element that supports our original charter and purpose to (as noted in our "About FTI" tab at the top of this page)"offer policy analysis, event commentary, and recount observations as generated by the same staff that mental health professionals have identified as Weirdos, Whackos, and Misfits." Seems straight forward enough. The other faction wants to take our purpose in another direction resulting in nonsense, drivel, and a daily feature known as "Chump Chatter" that basically highlights questionable investments, 20 year old jokes, balloon tying tricks, and examples of "art".  I, as Executive Director, have stayed above the fray, but see myself increasingly getting drawn into this mess. Being the Broker of Peace that I am, I summoned both factions to the Executive Suite here at FTI to facilitate some type of negotiations. I am familiar with the side that wants to keep our purpose status quo, but, was interested in raising our intellectual angle and thought the art idea was interesting.   I decided to ask the other side to submit some type of example that I could study so I could make a recommendation to the cheap-Assed Board of Directors for their consideration.

The resulting submittal speaks for itself.  I hope our mission suffers no interruptions. 


Monday, April 4, 2011

Family Secrets

I received an email from Dickey the Peap over the weekend.  It's always a good thing to get an email  from him.  Although you can't tell it from some of my thoughts posted here, I do enjoy his company.  (A lot of the time it is more for the comedic relief than anything else, but, hey that's OK.  He knows it as well.) Anyways, he followed it up with  a phone call  where he tells me of his various past activities in the week including now cornering the market in his latest venture which has produced MORE untold riches for the little miser.   I digress, however, back to the email.  It seems  the Peap read  our post concerning family memories, was intrigued by it, and wanted to add a personal highlight of his own.  After reviewing and discussing his submission with him, I only shake my head in wonder.  Why someone would submit a photo so personal and humiliating as this is beyond wonder.  I asked if he might want to reconsider and share something of a less personal nature.  "No, it accurately reflects my life and this is how I want it shared."  Not wanting to add more misery and disappointment to the little dwarf's existence, I post it here for your review.  I am unaware if Mrs. The Peap knows he submitted this or not.    

Sunday, April 3, 2011

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.