Change is in the wind

Shifty, my lawyer, just called me early this morning after an all night negotiating session with the cheap-assed FTI Board of Directors discussing my reinstatement as Executive Director at FTI.  Evidently, they and the Hayward family have had enough  embarrassment and ridicule as a result of the losers trying to run the FTI website during my still undisclosed forced departure that there seems to suddenly be a sense of urgency to make some changes.    Though nothing concrete has been agreed to, he assures me that things are beginning to move.  I can't confirm if he was  talking about the pace of negotiations concerning my return or the desires for  "regularity" by the particpants.  Regardless, there should be a breakout event in the next few hours.

As best as I can determine, there was some  unhappiness with me for constantly referring to the Board with the adjective, "cheap-assed".   A couple of members got in a snit and decided that costs could be further cut by determining that my services were no longer desired and to let the staff takeover running the website.     That plan came to a screeching halt, however, when they realized that once the Weirdo's, Whacko's,  and Misfits took control of the website, the FTI organization not only was subject to total humiliation and ridicule, but also, legal persecution as witnessed by the threatened suit brought forth by the Hayward's attorney.

I have investigated a few changes I can implement in the near future and will certainly become a bit more respectful of upper management and the staff in general.  In particular, the phrases "ass-clown",  "dipwad", and "scumface" will no longer be used by me in describing the staff or Board  ( I have instructed Shifty to negotiate to allow me to continue to use "cheap-assed", however).  During my time off, I have had time for some self-reflection and realize I have made mistakes as well.  After all, calling our staff stupid would be an insult to stupid people.


 

Jukebox: The circus is definitely back in town

The unkindest cut of all

Kfred here and I'm not happy! 

A reader surmises that this site has become a MOMMY BLOG!? What in the Hell is going on here?  You bastard's actually stole someone else's blog material and put it out as your own??!  A nice, sweet family page by the Haywards, hijacked and commandeered, all for the purpose of filling space? 

For the past week, I have witnessed the general deterioration and  utter destruction of the FTI website.  What was once mostly askew is now totally unhinged and rapidly revealing itself to be the true trainwreck I have worked so hard to hide.  I can only imagine the shock and disappointment the Hayward family feels of knowing their posts have been pirated by the caretaker idiots at FTI.   

Though still serving a suspension for unknown reasons, I have a moral obligation to make some apologies: 

To the Haywards:  my deepest apologies.  If I were you, I would seek legal council and sue for pain and embarrassment damages for  being associated with these losers.

To our 2 loyal readers (if you are still there):  Though quality has never been a strong suit of the thinking produced by FTI, I can assure you that had I been in charge of posts these past few days, the level of subject material would be slightly higher.  Without setting the bar at a potentially never-attainable level, I emphasize the adjective, "slightly."

And lastly to the blogosphere community at large: I apologize for having assembled this group of losers and for actually thinking that  they even had the ability to  accomplish these types of deeds.  This is the same team that wears Velcro latched shoes versus shoes with actual laces, for God's sake.  And we haven't even begun to discuss the personal hygiene issues.  These losers are helpless and in need of a bath. 

Shifty is in negotiation currently with the cheap-assed FTI Board of Directors to have my suspension dropped and to be immediately reinstated.  Based on what I've seen in the last week, I think our bargaining leverage will have greatly increased.  For the Hayward's sake, let's hope so.

Hey, this is getting tough. We'll just borrow someone else's stuff.

Hey, The Green Comic here. We are all sharing the responsibility for putting stuff up  here. Of course,  I  have nothing original to add, so, will do what  I do best:  Use someone else's stuff.  Hope you want to learn about Gingerbread houses.

I have always wanted to make a gingerbread house from scratch. I found an awesome recipe online so I decided to give it a shot this year. Isaac helped me make the gingerbread on Saturday. Tony made the templates and cut out the house and we all helped decorate it! I think it turned out great! Maybe this will become a yearly tradition here..

Not quite as easy as it looks, is it?

Ok, so this gig is a little more work than we originally thought , but we can do it.    To prove out abilities, allow me to introduce one of the funniest guys I know.  Ladies and Gentlemen!  The Green Comic!!

"Thanks, Gummo.  Hey, Hey, Hey Ladies and Gentlemen!  Great to be here!    A SALESMAN  RINGS A DOORBELL, AND A YOUNG BOY ANSWERS THE DOOR WEARING A LONG VELVET GOWN,  A STRING OF PEARLS, A BLONDE WIG,  AND HOLDING A MARTINI.  THE SALESMAN ASKS, "ARE YOUR PARENTS HOME"?  THE BOY ASKS, " WHAT DO YOU THINK"?

"OK, OK, how about, MY GIRLFRIEND HAS ANOREXIA. YEAH I'M SEEING LESS AND LESS OF HER!!"

So Green is still working on his material, but, I'm telling you, the guy is hilarious. Hey, Rat.  Any progress on finding that Peap character?  Do we have anyway to track him.  Perhaps, his wallet?  Oh, that's right.  A wallet to the Peap is like a crucifix to a vampire.  Toxic. 

Well, I'm telling you, we can run this site without any supervision.  We're working on it. 

(EDITORS NOTE:  The above was submitted and posted as written.  We are here strictly for grammatical and factual accuracy.  We direct you to leave any complaints concerning quality of content  with the cheap-assed FTI Board of Directors.)

A message from exile

Kfred here.  

I am able to remotely access the FTI site due to the continuing ineptness of the FTI IT department ( the most reviled department at FTI) and it's know-nothing staff.  As noted in an earlier post, our delay in upgrading to Windows '95 on the FTI server has allowed me this opportunity to exploit the on-line security mechanism (password: dillweed) to communicate with you,  the 2 loyal FTI followers.

A quick update on our status to date:  I am rested, relaxed, but sadly, witnessing the complete meltdown of the FTI site for the past 3 days.  I have spent time on  maintenance duties of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe as it seized up while analyzing the statements posted by the band of idiots.  Dicky the Peap's comment of support, in particular, caused the electronic marvel to smoke, buzz, and whir until I was able to unplug it.  I do note that the staff portrayal of  him as a "Nancy-Boy, Kiss-ass"  was fairly accurate.  I can only assume the Peap was espousing this type of opinion as he mistakenly thought there would be a pending paid lunch on the horizon.  I remind you, Mr. Peap, the next scheduled  lunch meeting will be on your nickel.  (Dicky the Peap:  the only guy I know who  makes copper wire by playing tug-a-war with a penny.)  Otherwise, he would be back to the regular routine  of character bashing and indifference of my authority. 

My legal council, Shifty, is plotting a strategy for my return with full exoneration.  In the meantime, I thank you 2 faithful readers for your continuing support, encouragement, and best wishes.  One noted reader went so far as to question the seemingly addiction of following this site in the first place.  The only answer I can surmise is that the human curiosity is fickle:  Patterned after our real life inspiration from long ago, when the sideshow comes to town, you gotta go see it.  Ripley's Believe it of Not has nothing on us.   

Look it up yourself

It's Sunday and  we aren't working.   In fact, we might not be back for a while.

And that green stuff?  That's a bunch of crap.   If you want to look something up from the past, look here .  In the meantime, me and the boys are looking for that Nancy-Boy, Kiss-ass, Dicky the Peap.  When we locate him, me and the rest of the squad  are gonna "pants" him.   

We might be back tomorrow.

At least it's not a Mommy blog

Since we are now in charge of Flatline Thinking, we are announcing a new direction for this blog.  There will be no more comments about our abilities, shortcomings, or embarrassing events we've committed.

You might have seen some changes already.  We put up our favorite video yesterday and can promise you more of the same in the future.  Marv, the Neighbor is working on some safety tips for cooking deep fried turkey (almost thawed=bad), The Green Comic has already located some previously told jokes from the 70's that he hasn't posted,  and The Rat Bastard G and I are figgerin' to change the name of this blog so it reflects something else.  We're working on a name that would center around the daily lives of a group of people and their daily existence.    We don't have a name yet, but, before he got suspended , Kfred had suggested  a couple: Little Minds, Big World; Last, and  Weirdos, Whacko's and Misfits, oh My!  Maybe that is why the dumbass got suspended.  What do you have to say for yourself now Mr. Bigshot? 

That's the way it's gonna be around here from now on.  Since nobody but the same 2 people reads this thing anyways, the change shouldn't matter. 

Signed,

Gummo the Balloon Boy

Jukebox: We are in charge now

Will it be a paid leave?

I have been officially notified that I am on suspension as Executive Director of FTI for an indefinite period .    I just received the notification last night and have been relieved of all supervisory duties of the staff until further notice.  I'm not quite sure of the official reasoning, but then, nothing around here makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. 

The largest benefactor here at FTI happened to take take offense at my 60 minutes  posting a week ago where I was able to sit down and "get inside of the heads" of a couple of our members.  Apparently, the interview seemed to be the breaking point as it made our staff  look a little "less cerebral" (the benefactor's words) than what they truly are.  I thought it to be an accurate portrayal of our abilities and had no problem in publishing the results.  (Ironically, this morning, a past affiliate made the national news with his well thought out exploits.  This is the caliber of our team. )  I was summoned to an emergency meeting of the cheap-assed Board of Directors and given the news late last night.

I do value my position here at the Institute and plan to fight this punishment vigorously.  I have retained legal council and look forward to my vindication.    There is no clear chain of command here at FTI other than me because no one else is dumb enough to get mixed up with this tribe in the first place.  I assume the staff will be free to produce and publish their own policy and positions for the foreseeable future.  I do caution the readership, however, that you may be disappointed with the results.   Their last  attempt was to write a note, describe themselves and their various ages, place it in a bottle, toss it into the nearest body of water, and see how far the message would travel until someone contaced them.  Unfortunately, they threw it  in the ornamental FTI wishing well.  To date, no one has responded.

Partly Cloudy with a few sunbreaks

Groundhog Day has turned into one of the Holidays I absolutely dread.  The pageantry, spectacle, store ads announcing rodentcide sales, and the grandeur of the day has been increasingly ruined by the squabbling, hair-pulling,  and petty jealousy exhibited by the staff over who gets to be in the front of the crowd of our own local display to see the little rodent make his appearance.  Additionally, the days leading up to the second day of February are  filled with me constantly reassuring our team that, "Yes, we will go get a milkshake afterward",  or, "Now, now, don't worry. No one is going to try to make a hat out of him".   

In anticipation of the nervousness and anxiety brought on the staff, one of the members of the cheap-assed Board of Directors bought the above training device from a defunct Romanian carnival sideshow 2 months ago thinking that the staff could use it to train in advance and to get a feel for the fleeting moments that the groundhog actually makes his appearance.  It was hoped for that they would be more relaxed when the actual event occurred.  Unfortunately, the unit has been hung up in Customs and yet to clear quarantine.  Thus, the nervousness and anxiety continues. 

I am pleased to report, however, that our full supply of rubber suction cup tipped arrows arrived safely and we are currently  in training for Valentines Day.

Have you seen my nuts?

Desperate times drive people  to  desperate measures. These hard economic times have forced many people to re-evaluate the basics of life and adjust their priorities in order to meet them.  Less consumption, fewer luxuries, more self-reliance;  all methods  used to cope with economic conditions most of us have never experienced. 
Let me illustrate by example:  Mrs.  Kfred is involved on a search committee at her place of employment to find a suitable candidate to fill an opening they  employ.  The position is a low level staff position that requires a Bachelors Degree and 2 years of relevant experience with a salary in the low $30's range plus benefits.  All in all, not a bad job, but not exactly one that is going to make one rich, either.  Yet, the candidates have been pouring out of the woodwork for this position.  People with Masters degrees, Ph.d  levels, doctoral candidates.  The spectrum is endless.   I was naive to think that we at FTI  were insulated from this type of activity.  After all who would want to join us?

In the past 2 weeks, I have been approached by two different individuals hinting about joining our organization.  The caliber of these 2 particular types is certainly superior to the staff we currently employ.  Their presence here would greatly improve and raise the level of analysis we deliver on a daily basis.  Figuring these 2 would be a solid addition to our team, even if it meant for a short while, I approached the cheap-assed Board of Directors over the weekend to see if we could squeeze some extra dollars out of our budget to secure the intellectual properties exhibited by these individuals.  Unfortunately, our normal springtime Intellectually Diverse Intelligence Oriented Team-member (IDIOT)  recruitment drive has been canceled this year.  Apparently, one of the low level staffers deep inside our own FTI bureaucracy "accidentally" authorized the purchase of over 2000 Slap Chop  kitchen tools as holiday gifts and we are now trying to pay the bill off.  As a result, we are in no position to add staff this year. 

I informed both candidates that unfortunately, FTI was in no position to add positions at this time.  Both took the news well, accepted a small token of gratitude from  FTI  for their interest,  and went on their way.  Happy.  Excited.  Fulfilled.  After all, they now know that they just have to add a little onion and celery to some tuna and POW!  Instant tuna salad.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah, I've heard it before: It tastes like chicken

I note that PETA, the animal rights group,  has proposed that Punxsutawney Phil, the winter-ending rodent  forecaster for the past 150 years, be replaced by a robotic replacement.   Apparently, the sound thinking PETA folk think that Phil is being mistreated and would  be best served by being replaced by a machine. 

We here at FTI  have a strict policy of "no-interpretation" of a political nature.  (Our official position is that all politicians and "advocates" of most issues are strictly in it for themselves).  Regardless, this concept trumps anything our merry band of idiots could produce.  On behalf of our entire organization, however, PETA we salute you!    You are an inspiration and have replaced us as the group known to engage in the  lowest functioning  thinking possible.   Thank you. 

Jukebox: Well, I KNOW I certainly do

Do I look like Mike Wallace?

Highly reminiscent of an earlier post addressing the need for  internet passwords, I recently had a chance to question the staff and get "inside their heads".  And, it is not a pretty place. 

The results of my interviews and questioning of the staff in regard to the recent "tagging" request by a fellow blogger has left me speechless. Like a lion culling a herd of wild sloths (Freudian like,  isn't it?  staff=sloths;  hmmm........) by separating  the weakest members from the rest of the herd, I was able to convince Freako Deako, Gummo the Balloon Boy, Rat Bastard G,  and Marv the Neighbor to sit down and answer some innocent, innocuous  questions, and record their various  answers.   We originally had planned to include Dickey the Peap as well, but, he has been busy engaging in deep penance for sins against nature  from which he is still recovering.  We wish Dickey a speedy recovery and assure him he will be forgiven.   

To refresh the readers memory, the original request was for 8 different answers to specific questions (What TV shows do you like to watch?, what 8 things are on your wishlist?, What 8 things are you passionate about, etc).  I have HAD to modify the  questions to correlate with their lives.  The observant reader will note that, though 5 panelists were seated,  the questions were only answered by 4 of our panelists.    (Marv the Neighbor spent the whole time obsessing about deep frying a turkey for the spring picnic and  had difficulty with most of the test questions.)

To protect and preserve the anonymity of our staff, I have assigned each as No. 1, No. 2, etc.  Ashamedly, here are the questions and the unedited answers:

QUESTION 1:  "Proper health and nutrition are essential to a strong mind.  Along with these 2 attributes is the need for  proper sleep.  Sleep accounts for approximately 1/3 of our lifespan.  Where do you enjoy your best sleep?"

No. 1     The FTI utility room.  (It's warm in there with the water heater)
No. 2      On my side
No. 3      The dumpster behind the tavern
No. 4      In Jail

QUESTION 2:    "FTI has provided you with a fresh start and a chance to make your life a little more meaningful.  What do you like best about being part of FTI?"

No. 1      The hat, with the wires............ attached to the machine.....it sparks
No. 2       What he said
No. 3       Checkers
No. 4       Jury Duty


QUESTION 3:  "You each were members of TEAM FTI, the ribbon-winning team that competed in the Deep Thinking contest held recently.   How would you characterize your 9 year old opponents in the Lightweight  Division?"   

No. 1      Little cheating snots
No. 2      Where?
No. 3      Do we have to play them next year?
No. 4      Their coach looked like a judge I once faced


QUESTION 4: "Which person, either living or dead, would you say has influenced you the most? 

No. 1    Carrot Top
No. 2    Abraham Lincoln
No. 3    Pee Wee Herman
No. 4    Big Bird

                 (*BONUS ANSWER:   Jack Benny.       Though not available during our interview session, Dickey the Peap got wind of this one and adamantly chose Benny because of Benny's frugal comedy routine.  None of us have the heart to inform the Peap that it was all an act.)      

There you have it.  An "inside look" of the mindset and answers of our staff to the most basic of questions. Accuracy was certainly not the goal in this exercise; completion was.  And those answers, dear reader, like most internet passwords, are close enough.

This one could be the tipping point

One of our fellow bloggers ( Fierce, over at "The Life and Times",) recently "tagged" us here at FTI.  Tagging is an invitation, not unlike a chain letter,  in which the blog in question  is requested  to keep a string of answers to various questions going and to follow through on the request of the tag.  When sent to me via e-mail, I regularly ignore and delete  e-mail chains.   This one, however, is different.  In this case, it is not about the angels whom will bring you good luck, the feel good story of the day, a free copy of Windows 7, or a surprise money bequeathment within 3 days we will receive if we keep the chain going.  There is no implied threat of disaster if we don't play along.  No starving children are going to suffer any more if we don't answer the questions.  It's just a fun revealing of thought and answers to innocent questions.  In this case, it's about 8 different answers.     And THAT  has me worried.

Our staff has been assembled due to their inability to clearly and cogently answer the most basic of questions.  (That way, we can isolate the lower level thinkers in society and not worry that they may actually influence meaningful decisions made elsewhere.) To think that this team of misfits and losers will be able to compile a list based on their personal preferences to the most basic of questions is, at best wishful, and at least, a waste of time.  Does one actually think that Gummo the Balloon Boy, for example, would  have answers to such rudimentary questions of "What TV shows do I watch?", "What Have I learned from the past?", or "What do I want or need?" that anyone cared to learn.  I think not.  As a result, I will have to tailor the category questions to the ability of our staff and submit them to our 2 faithful readers later in the week for review. 

I will submit this subject to the agenda for this week's staff meeting and relay the results.  The agenda is already jam packed with a number of key subjects including a presentation by the FTI Medical staff addressing "Safe Earwax Removal", and one by the  IT department (the most reviled department here at FTI) concerning our pending upgrade to Windows 95.   Hopefully, I can get this issue on the docket immediately. 

It's playoff Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's playoff Sunday,  Commando Barney has been waiting all week for this day!  As our unofficial "enforcer" here at FTI, if the Big Boy ain't thinkin', nobody a thinkin'.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Maybe he should get a 2nd opinion

The FTI thinking model is based on total participation by all of our members.   Each of them contributes a small piece of idiocy, that based on their individual merits, are meaningless and of no total value, whatsoever.  Together however, when we are at full strength and all members are back in place, some semblance of an overall image begins to emerge that makes one think, "My God, this is pathetic.  I thought that circus sideshows went away in the '30's". 

I was in communication with Dickey the Peap yesterday.  I note that Dickey had been MIA for approximately the past week as his normal fiscally impaired, "will you take less?", alligator-like armed observations and perspectives had not been submitted.  It turns out that Dickey has had a medical experience that has left him incapacitated.  I was informed that Dickey had a painful case of the shingles that resulted in his absence for the past week.  Shingles is a disease related to the chicken pox virus that lies dormant in your body from childhood.  It usually manifests itself in a painful rash anywhere on the body, but commonly strikes the torso area.   If you have ever had chicken pox, you are susceptible to Shingles.  Regardless, I am pleased to announce that after a regimen of anti-viral medications and proper care, he is well on his way to recovery and should be regularly contributing to our efforts in a short while.

While the medical community is fairly certain of the root cause of Shingles and it's development, there is a great deal of unknown  about how the virus is reactivated after having lying dormant in the body over an extended period of time. I immediately assigned our staff the task of researching this disease and to hypothesize some possible scenarios.  In no particular order, they postulated that:

1) This was God's revenge for denying his ban on obviously repeated self-stimulation;
2) It's really just a case of recurring athlete's foot Dickey has had since swimming in the pool during this summer's Staff picnic;
3)  It's probably a rash caused by holding his elbows so close to his body while attempting to reach for the check after dinner.

At first review, I thought these answers were typical of the odd behavior and thought processes of our staff.  Upon further review, I'm not so sure they may be on to something here. 

Jukebox: This was one of Grandpa's VH1 choices

Healthcare I can believe in

In order to spur the freshest, innovative, and most illuminating type of thinking generated from the  FTI staff and affiliates,  I insist upon the best resources for their use.   Pencils, walkmen, Commodore 64 computers.  All of it.  We scour the world (including Overstock.com) to find the best for our people; after all,  they are our number 1 asset.    Unfortunately, the cheap assed-Board of Directors do not share my commitment in regard to medical care. Our medical staff is among the finest, unfortunately, they are not given the resources to do much more than aid the errant paper cut suffered by the staff.  For more meaningful care I have to go outside of the  FTI network. 

I went for my annual physical yesterday with a new doctor.  The standard poking, prodding, listening to my chest, etc. were involved.  (I'll pass on the cheap bit about falling in love with the guy's gloved index finger.  C'mon, it's part of the  exam.  Grow up.)  The exam was going well  and he noted no discernible items of worry.  The exam took an ominous turn however, when  he asked what I did for a living.   I described my position here as Executive Director of FTI and the associated duties I am expected to accomplish.  He seemed surprised, yet interested, and asked increasingly familiar questions about FTI.  It became obvious as we conversed that he head heard of  the  work, policy analysis, and the interpretations we produce on a regular basis.   During our conversation, I noticed he discretely pushed a yellow button on the wall intercom system within the office.  Within 60 seconds, 2 large burly attendants rushed the room and I was immediately restrained and given a quick injection for, as he put it, "my own safety".    Apparently, as we had been conversing earlier, while discussing my earlier immunization schedule, he noted a lapse in one key preventive tool:  I hadn't received my anti-idiot booster.

I am pleased to report I am now updated and immune from any of the contaminated thinking produced by our staff.  I feel better already.

This isn't exactly "Law and Order"

I recently was the victim of a written vitriolic barrage authored by the Green Comic on his Facebook page that is the cause of some concern and would threaten our future ability to discipline the staff  here at the Institute.  The Green Comic did not care for some innocuous suggestions I made on his Facebook page and launched into a profanity laced tirade of written insults directed toward me ending with a sexually themed suggestion that is forbidden in the Bible and deemed illegal in most localities.  As a result, I immediately  suspended him from any future FTI activity  for engaging in official misconduct, insubordination, and over-all stupidity.  As this is a second time offense for the Green Comic,  he was recently subject to an official FTI  Board of Reprimand by his peers here at the Institute.  Allow me to retell the results.   

In most jurisdictions and under normal circumstances, the facts would be presented, a determination would be reached, and an appropriate punishment would be meted out.   Our difficulty lies in the fact that the peers of the Green Comic are exactly that; equals, similar, alike.  They don't have the ability to ascertain what is acceptable, appropriate, or reasonable.  As a result, the Green Comic  chose to have his defense overseen by Rat Bastard G, I represented the prosecution on behalf of FTI,  and the entire proceeding was overseen by Gummo, the Balloon Boy.   Both sides laid out our cases, the Rat Bastard suggesting that the Green Comic simply may have mistakenly mixed his medications on the day in question; I painstakingly detailing the anatomically impossible act he suggested I perform.  Surprisingly, the ruling was made in a swift manner.  Ultimately, Gummo, the Balloon Boy ruled in favor of the Green Comic and found him innocent of all charges.  Though not happy with the outcome and certainly wanting a harsher punishment, in the interests of justice,  I chose not to appeal  the verdict. I shouldn't have been surprised by the ruling.  The judge's reasoning is why these losers are on the FTI staff in the first place.  The reason: mental defect.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.
We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Another One For The Trophy Case

At first glance, the appearance of our structure  here at FTI can sometimes be mistaken for a rag-tag, disorganized,  piece-meal organization populated by a collection of losers, rejects, and  numb-o's with little to no ability.    Though this is closer to reality than not, I do feel we have instilled some type of pride and level of competence that, as described in the "Tell Us What You Want Us To Ponder" sidebar, has qualified our group to be known as "near-award winning".   This description was recently verified upon notification that a select group of representatives of FTI had placed at a recent "Deep Thinking" competition.  The competition was tough, the quandary's were complex, the scenarios near impossible.   Our representatives were up to the challenge, though.  They competed against some of the brightest and best 9 year olds in the region on a head to head basis.   Anxiously awaiting the notification, we received word yesterday that TEAM FTI had finished 6th in the Lightweight Division.  


It is a significant milestone for our team and I share this award with our 2 faithful readers as a sign that you are not wasting your time here on a daily basis.  There is, indeed, intellectual merit occurring at this site.  We have the award to prove it.  I have not notified our staff that all finishing 6 places were recognized for achievement.  Why create confusion?

Jukebox: My thoughts in relation to our staff

Hell hath no fury............

Our HR team has flagged this woman as a potential affilliate for us here at FTI. It seems if she were smart enough and devious enough to go to this much effort, imagine what she could accomplish if we told her about the practices of the guys over at AutosDirectOnline.

Customer care, may indeed, be seen in a whole different light.

I'm on my popcorn break

We at autosdirectonline would certainly never engage in these type of practices. We promise.

It's Rollback Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Rollback Sunday.  Today starts a week of posts themed around the incompetence of our newest idiot corporate affiliate, AutosDirectOnline of Cleveland, Ohio.  We're going to swing the FTI  idiot light  (get it?)on these guys  to highlight some of their business practices.    The staff is out today washing  cars in the snow, so, we haven't had much time for thinking. 

We're glad you're here, though. Unlike AutosDirectOnline of Cleveland, Ohio, we have full disclosure policies of which we inform our readers here at FTI.      No waiting in the service areas, no lost keys, no 4 hour marathon negotiations.  Take a look here , go ahead, and re-drive a couple  of our past columns.   See if you missed anything that we have previously attempted to represent as roadworthy from the past.  If you do happen to find something not completely roadworthy, hey, tough luck.  You read it. 

See you tomorrow.

If we could show you a way...........

As noted in the "About Me" section to the right, our normal duties here at FTI are to offer our perspective on various topics and to also help readers by having our near-award winning team analyze various scenarios. In meeting that goal, the upcoming week will feature our organization's analysis of a fellow blogger's experiences in purchasing a used vehicle. We hope to offer comparisons and simile's in our daily experiences with this single act. 

As opposed to most topics displayed here, for once, we actually  may know what the hell we are talking about. One of our staff members includes a "pre-owned vehicle counselor".  His placement file upon arrival here at FTI  included the notations of "highly experienced with adverse customer negotiations", "possesses extensive conversational evasion and confusion practices" and unfortunately, "mastery of memory erasure and commitment deniability".  This last skill is troublesome as the preparation for this skillset required short bursts of high energy electronic pulses to be aimed at the lower earlobe of the individual.  During the treatment, however, the technician administering the treatment inadvertently spilled a cup of coffee and  directed the pulse wave through the ear of our member, rendering him as a priority placement candidate here at FTI.  His worth has been invaluable however, as he is a perfect test mechanism when we perform our weekly routine maintenance of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe.   We question this individual on a variety of subjects, record his truthfullness, and then use these results as an opposite baseline to calibrate our device.  To date, the Truthometer Deluxe has performed flawlessly, thanks to this simple fine tuning. 

So we'll get after it, starting Monday.  In the meantime, the restrooms are down the hall, here's a balloon for the kids, some stale popcorn is over by the service area, and it shouldn't be much longer.  We really do value your business.   

  

Jukebox: For my Friend, Nancy

Understood in all Languages

The recent effort by the cheap-assed Board of Directors to "raise our level of exposure" here at FTI has taken another twist.  A member of our Board directed the MIS staff (a subsection of the FTI IT Department, the most reviled department here at FTI)  to study and make an analysis of our readership to glean some statistics for further review. 

One trend  found  is our steadily increasing viewing by foreign readers outside of the US, particularly  Southeast Asia.  As evidenced by our Flag Counter feature on the side of this blog, one can easily ascertain the location of viewers.  The Board member inquired into the ease and effort needed to translate our site into the native languages of those readers. 

At the risk of further damaging  the perception of the US and Americans, in particular, I cannot understand the desire to inflict further humiliation on the residents of these areas any further.   These people do not need to get to know about our slack-jawed staff. Why further damage US interests in this part of the world?

I understand that civil punishment in this part of the world is usually of a public nature to discourage others from engaging in the offending behavior.  The offending party is paraded through the street for display to foster shame and embarrassment.  Should this type of  event ever involve our staff,  the results would be counter-productive: the only emotions generated would be sympathy and pity.  The people would know who is suffering daily.   Me.       

You pay extra for THIS??

Our 2 regular  loyal readers are aware that my various duties here at the Institute are far and wide ranging.  Among those responsibilities are my oversight of the  FTI motorpool.  After consultation with our independent mechanic and running various "what-if" scenarios through  the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe,  I  decided to  replace the FTI CRAP vehicle   and did so this past weekend.    Our needs were very specific:  safety, fuel economy, visibility, and ability to keep the misfits secure when loaning them out as attractions to  various circus sideshows during the summer.

As you may remember, I was  entertaining the idea of a retired police cruiser as this would be a familiar sight to the majority of our staff.  Ultimately, however I decided on a new  SUV manufactured by Ford that is a bit smaller and less of an affront to society than we have previously enjoyed.  It came delivered with a  host of features, many of which I have no idea how to use.  In particular,   the vehicle has a feature that I find a bit troublesome: a bluetooth device that I can synchronize to my personal cell phone.  Working with our IT department, the most reviled department here at FTI, I am now beginning to understand the features of this device and also why computer geeks band together:  they speak in tongues.  Regardless,  the problem is that after pairing the cell phone and this device, I now have the car speaking to me and actually asking me if I want to place a phone call to any one of the misfits.  The fact that I now have to deal with this type of experience in the one place where I can actually find refuge during the day is scary.  It is a bit disconcerting to have an electronic voice robotically announce  "Calling Freako Deako" or "Calling Dickey the Peap;  Work or home?" when I think I am finally done babysitting the Doofus Squad at the end of the day. 

I am planning on taking the vehicle back to the dealer to adjust the various things I find unacceptable after 30 days.   This is definitely one of them.

Do you really think so?

It "might be indicative of a larger issue".  No truer words were spoken by a government official. 

My recent jihad against American Airlines has finally made someone wake up at the FAA.  Though I can't take credit for this latest decision for added oversight, the new scrutiny over landings should extend to other areas of this airline's operations as well.

Do you think I am still a little exercised over this one?

Hangover? No, this is how they always think

Hey c'mon, it's New Years Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the fact that I gave them this weekend off.   

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The misfits are scheduled to be returning this evening to start the brand new year tomorrow.  See you then. 

Day 1, Threat 1

It's barely the New Year and already the lunacy begins.  Yesterday's Jukebox choice symbolized (and I quote, "It's only the Beginning,  it's only just a start) the launch of a beginning, the first step, the commencement of a new chapter here at FTI.   Ominously, an event occurred that is not a positive first one.   Gummo, the Balloon Boy, has threatened the Institute, and me personally, with legal action for invasion of privacy.  I find this threat meaningless, groundless, pointless,  (EDITOR'S NOTE: The author included 5 other words ending in -less that  have been removed due to space considerations)  without any merit, and moreover, the actions of an (EDITOR'S NOTE 2: the term "assclown" is unknown to any of us.   For the sake of further potential legal action, it too, has been omitted). 

The alert reader will refer to our earlier post of 2 days ago of Baby New Year 2010.  I posted a picture of Baby New Year to signify the re-birth, the hope, and the potential of the coming year.  I do admit that the face of baby New Year is that of Gummo in his early years, but, would only be recognizable to the rest of our staff and affiliates.   Certainly, the 2 faithful readers we retain would not recognize this individual today.    Gummo countered, however, that the posting  had caused him embarrassment, shame, and ridicule, and was threatening to pursue damages against us.  The FTI legal team determined  that the standard of judgment is what a "normal" person whom knew  Gummo would ascertain from the image.  I am pleased to announce that those people,  in no uncertain way, would confuse him with potential or hope.  After all,  that is why he is on our staff. 

One day in and this is what I get.  Oh, the joy.   

Jukebox: And the start of a new decade

2009: It can't end quick enough

I think it is safe to say that none of us can get rid of 2009 fast enough. With that being said, thank you for your support, comments, and readership. I appreciate the loyalty of you 2 faithful readers and hope 2010 will bring happiness and prosperity to both of you.

To the band of Weirdos, Whacko's, and Misfits here at FTI, I don't see how the future could be any more dismal than the present you currently endure.  It is my fervent hope the governor grants my plea to have each of you placed at a more secure facility for the good of society.  One can only hope.

Order from the convenience of your own home

The cheap-assed Board of Directors notified me yesterday that they have taken it upon themselves to hire an independent, outside consultant to help them explore different ways to "raise our level of exposure" here at FTI as we move forward into the future. I have always worked under the assumption that we wanted to bring no added attention to ourselves due to the level of idiocy found here, but, apparently not. 

This clown convinced our Board to explore unique avenues that no one else has previously ever explored. One idea was to develop an on-line store of official FTI merchandise. We don't even have an official logo, and yet, we're talking about merchandise emblazoned with our name that someone would have around the house that remind them of us during use. At first glance, one would think "that's not very unique. Everyone has printed stuff. What's so special about that type of concept?" Ah, but the devil lies in the details. We're not talking about T-shirts, key chains, bookmarks, or ball caps. No. We are thinking stuff along the lines of FTI Doggy Pooper-Scoopers, FTI Chair Donuts for people whom suffer from hemorrhoid difficulty, and my favorite: an authentic, official FTI pencil,  actually previously chewed by one of our staff. Now that is a unique thing! Anyway, as any good consultant does before meeting with a new client, he did some advance research and produced a sample item I have displayed above. (I am considering my own legal challenge to this item as the use of this picture in my younger days is actually an invasion of privacy.)

Our reviled  IT Department has been given the task to set up all of the details of how people will order, pay, etc., so I don't expect anything meaningful to happen anytime soon.   If we ever do get up and going however, remember this one wise caveat:  Buyer Beware.

Some end o' the year housecleaning

Well, it's getting down to that time of year again.  Time to get rid of the old and bring in the new.  Time to implement some new policies,  procedures, and methods designed to assure our 2 faithful readers  that, yes indeed,  though this website is indeed a waste of bandwidth over the internet, maybe there's a glimmer of hope that something useful will eventually surface here.   

Like most major news outlets, I thought it would be good form to review some of our highlights (low points?) of the past year.   Though certainly accessible on our weekly Green Sunday random results tool, I draw your attention to these particular posts  for their ability to demonstrate the properties of what occurs here on a daily basis:  planned stupidity.  Hopefully, we can avoid these type of events in the future.  With that in mind, here are  a couple of examples:

* Pete Barbutti is our adopted musical inspiration here at FTI.  After viewing this, you will know why.

* Dicky the Peap is one of our staff members whom was unfortunately born with this affliction. Chalk this one up to simply "Life isn't fair."

* The staff picnic was the summer highlight for our team at FTI.  Gummo, the Balloon Boy, failed to heed the 30 minute swimming rule after eating and as a result ended up with cramps. Gummo, Mom is always right.

* Mrs. Kfred is highly regarded by both the staff and obviously, myself. She's on her own on this one, however.


* And lastly, our hoped for theme song as we move into 2010.

One bit of 2009 sad news that needs to be passed along:  Our local State Attorney General has informed us that we will be required to continue to perform community service for an undetermined amount of time.  The Institute's orignal charter was envisioned to be based  on need on a short-term emergency basis, but,  has now bloated to a cumbersome bureacracy.  Despite my best leadership efforts, the incompetencies continue.  Oh,  the humanity. 

Our After the Holiday Sunday Clearance post

Hey c'mon, it's Clearance Sunday.  We get a day off too, you know. 

 Consider yourself lucky. We have our ENTIRE STOCK (!!) of past thoughts on display for reading.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow. 

It wasn't me

Well, the big day has come and gone.  The weather was perfect,  the gifts were generous, and the prime rib was perfect.  You couldn't have asked for a better day.  While giving the staff  the weekend off to celebrate, the continuing Flatline experiences continue with or without our staff around.  I didn't realize that it would come from within my own immediate family, however.    

Joining Mrs Kfred and myself for the holiday were Kfred Jr. 1 and his fiancé, Goldilocks; Kfred Jr. 2, home from college for the holidays; and Brother Eddie.  Brother Eddie is the member of the family that is in his own world.  A lifelong bachelor, he marches to the beat of a different drummer (one resembling the skills of a beginning player in the 4th grade orchestra).  Regardless, he is family and one of us.  He does, however, possess a certain attitude of superiority that, at times, can be a bit arrogant.  As a result, if I get a chance every so often to bring him down a notch or two, I immediately seize the opportunity. 

After dinner last night, Brother Eddie had been gone for a few minutes.  Shortly thereafter, he comes down the stairs and bellows "Kfred, Kfred".  I answered and asked what he wanted.  He replied, "come here".  In a low, quietly discrete voice, he mentions, "It wasn't me, but, the toilet upstairs needs a plunger".    Now, right away, I recognize the opening I knew that would eventually be forthcoming at some time.  My job was to simply wait for it, tee it up, and swing it over the fences.  Did I?  No, I quietly got the plunger, took care of the task at hand, and considered the incident over. 

He and I both know that I now have my own little comeuppance with him for the  rest of my life.    It's a great spot to be in.  And all for the lack of a high fiber diet. 

Jukebox: Merry Christmas to You from us at FTI

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all ‘round the ‘tute
The dimwits were sleeping, the sight is not cute.
The restraints were hung by the chimney with care,
It’s for their own safety and general welfare;

The misfits were locked in their dormitory with beds,
They’re really no more than slow-thinking pinheads;
And Mrs Kfred in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
He’d be the one to visit our mentally sick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called the dimwits by name;
"Now, Freako! now, Gummo! and Dickie the Peap!
Wake up you slow whacko’s; you need no more sleep!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
He knew of these idiots I suffer each day,
He couldn’t believe I had chosen to stay.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
Some brand new straightjackets he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Replacing the restraints with an all knowing smirk,
He knew the great burden I constantly bear,
Sometimes I think, I’m in a giant daycare,

"Now Kfred," he boomed, “Don’t Worry, Don’t fuss,
All people know they ride the short bus,
Most readers know they are mental midgets,
Their collective IQ is one single digit”,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
“I’m glad I’m not you, none of those idiots seem right!”

(with profuse apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

Oh, the weather outside is frightful

Adhering to the Boy Scout principle to always "Be prepared", I have always strove in both my personal life, and, here at the Institute, to make sure that any unforeseen emergencies will be dealt with appropriately. 

During yesterday's staff meeting, we were talking about winter preparation and the need to have a plan for inclement weather.  True to our ways, I left the meeting with my head shaking and wondering what in God's name was the type of atrocious act I committed in a previous life to be placed with this band of misfits in this life. Previously, Dickie the Peap has spent some time  in the meteorology/weather forecasting field and relayed the incident that led him to being dismissed and placed here with us  at FTI. 


A new Indian chief located nearby where Dickie was located was unsure if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called Dickie at the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' Dickie admitted.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called Dickie again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter ?'
'Yes,' Dickie again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called  Dickie again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the Peap replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
Dickie replied, 'The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.'

Circle takes the square

We received a pre-Christmas gift here at the Institute yesterday that I think is appropriate for our staff. The gift is a board game called "Smart Ass".  Players are asked various questions and, based on your answers,  you progress on a board to the final destination. 

The whole concept reminded me of the old Hollywood Squares TV quiz show.  The set was a  giant tic-tac-toe board where various celebrities were seated and  would be asked random questions.  Two contestants had to alternately determine if the answers were true or false and based on their correct determination, the contestant would win the square.  Some of the greatest one-liner smart ass replies came from this show.

With full credit to the celebrities and writers: 

You're a 71-year old man who has lost interest in sex.  Does your doctor have anything to help you?
Charley Weaver:  No, but his nurse does. 

True or False.  Experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than the ant.
George Gobel:  Yes, and I think I voted for them. 

In a survey of teenage mothers, most of them said they were listening to this when they got pregnant.  What is it?
Paul Lynde: A pack of lies. 

What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
George Gobel:  I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

I'm sure our group, being as dimwitted as they are, will never match the clever answers listed here. Perhaps though, they will use it as a form of inspiration.

Our green holiday policy

Hey c'mon, it's the final Sunday before Christmas and we've got some shopping to do.  What would you get as a gift for this band of weirdos?

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed an alternative holiday "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.



See you tomorrow.

Yep. We've seen his kind before

This guy is exactly the type of member that our HR department chooses when we have an opening here at FTI.

If anyone knows him, please advise him that though his credentials are impressive,  we currently have no openings that match his skillset. 

Jukebox: Here is what Rat Bastard G listens to

Holiday Greetings

I haven't sent any Christmas cards out this year.  Though they are nice and fun to receive, I believe the whole concept is rapidly becoming unnecessary.  With the advent of cell phones, instant messaging, Facebook, web cams, etc., a person can be on another continent, up in space, or underwater on a submarine and still contact their family and friends to let them know they want to share the Christmas spirit with them instantly.  Christmas was always the time of year of re-contacting long lost acquaintances or distant family members to let them know you were thinking of them.    With these new types of technology, I can forsee the day when actual card exchanging will go away.  You will just exchange electronic greetings, instead. 

I received 2 different Christmas greetings yesterday.   One was sent via the US Postal Service; the other via e-mail.  Both conveyed the message of wishing me and my family  holiday greetings and that the sender was thinking of me.  Let's compare the two greetings I received:  The card via the Post Office was sent by an elderly aunt whom I keep in contact each year at Christmas only.  Here is the message:  "Wishing you a Merry Christmas filled with Cheer, and many warm wishes for the coming year."  Nice, right?  Pleasant, cheerful, well-meaning.  The Christmas greeting I received via e-mail was from American Airlines.  Here's their message:

"Words. They can have a profound impact.
As 2009 comes to an end, we would like to take a moment to share simple words of gratitude with you. Your business is deeply appreciated and gives us more reason to celebrate and look forward to the fresh beginnings of a new year and the promise and potential 2010 may bring.

From all of us at American Airlines, we wish you a very happy holiday season. And most of all, we’d like to share two more words with you.

Tough Luck. "

Uh, We're kind of Sorry

This past week has been themed around the incompetence of American Airlines for disallowing  my bag to travel with me when I returned from Dallas, Texas last weekend.  At that time, I held American responsible for the troubles and adopted them as an involuntary affiliate member here at FTI due to their ineptness, stupidity , and lack of common sense in dealing with a minor situation. Due to the dogged determination and investigative skills of the FTI Research team, an added co-conspirator has also been identified.   And of course, I want them to get their due recognition as well. 

It has been uncovered that the  co-party responsible for this screw-up is, in fact, the Transportation Security Administration, a division of the US Department of Homeland Security.  These are the people who man the metal detectors and then paw over you like a 16 year old on a second date should you trip it; so pleasantly practice their customer service skills by barking "shoes off!, shoes off!"while standing in line to go through the above mentioned metal detector; and so animatedly stare into an x-ray machine hoping they run across a set of fingernail clippers that they can confiscate as a threat to airline security. 

For their part, American Airlines, sent me a computer generated email response that cited phrases in my original complaint.  In it, I was instructed that I could access the AA website, drill down  3 times deep into the bowels of the AA website to find out,  in fact, I was a screw-up for not checking the baggage in earlier.  I have never denied, ultimately, I was at fault.  My complaint is that the simple lack of common sense and flexibility would have made it easier for all of us involved; both AA and me.   I would have had my bag; their customer service people would have been able to speak with a potential paying customer for a future flight rather than arguing with one irate for 30 minutes after  a completed flight.  As I see it, that formula doesn't seem to be one that generates new revenue. 

In conclusion, I am over my snit.  I am prepared to release American Airlines from FTI affiliation after Friday of this week.  ( I still have one more  whack I want to give them, yet.)  We wouldn't even think about adding the TSA as an official affiliate:  We have plenty of incompetence practiced by the staff.  They certainly don't need to learn any new techniques.   

I think it looks nice

Teaming up with Mrs. Kfred last evening, I finished trimming the Christmas tree  in the Executive Living area of the FTI compound.     There is so much involved with the decoration task:  deciding if the tree is straight in the stand, is there  enough room against the wall to walk by,  is a branch  being bent, are the ornaments hung in the wrong place, etc.  If I do say so myself, the tree looks very nice and highly festive.  There normally is a little stress associated with this task resulting in the usual  hurt feelings, raised voices, pouting, name calling,  and ultimately, tears.  (We haven't even discussed the reactions generated by Mrs. Kfred under these circumstances.)   In the end, though, all was forgiven and the affected half of the team got over it. 

I have it on good authority that over at American Airlines headquarters however, a different scenario took place.  Apparently, "the computer", dictated that the  tree in their lobby would potentially be overweight as initially planned to be decorated.  Much debate went back and forth between management and the decoration committee and ultimately, management (you know, the group whom programs "the computer"), prevailed.  Here's a shot of their current tree.   Aren't computers wonderful?

FTI Recommended Reading

Normally,  I don't recommend books for the readership here.  I like to read and actually am in a book club with Mrs. Kfred, but,  choose to refrain from sharing my choices here.  Mandatory FTI reading subjects, however, are different.   The Complete Worst-case Scenario Survival Handbook with such topics as How to Thwart an Affectionate Costumed Mascot, How To  Carry a Date Who Is Passed Out, How To Steer Your Bike Down A Rock Face,  not only are mandatory reading for the staff, but actually , in some cases, penned by some of our staff and affiliate members.

Interestingly, one ominously titled chapter, How To Get A Job You Are Not Qualified For, would appeared to have been used by the Vice President in charge of Customer Service/Baggage issues over at American Airlines.   It can only be assumed that the particular Vice President in question never  read (and as a result was not able to learn) How to Foil A UFO Abduction.  Obviously, the alien got his brain.

It's Lost Luggage Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Lost Luggage Sunday.  Today starts a week of posts themed around the incompetence of our first idiot corporate affiliate, American Airlines.  We're still trying to get someone with an ounce of sense or intelligence at American Airlines to answer our complaint and, as a result, we haven't been able to address other matters. 

We're glad you're here, though. Unlike American Airlines, we have policies of which we inform our readers.  As a result, today we have  implemented a new "lost luggage/prior posts" policy here at FTI.      No spilled liquids, no smelly socks, no embarrassing marital aids.  Take a look here , rifle through some of our past columns, and see if you missed anything that we have previously packed from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Doing What We Do Best

Due to our position in the community, most self-respecting corporations and companies avoid any type of link or mention of their identity with us here at FTI.  As Executive Director of FTI, I understand brand imaging and am aware of the reluctance to be grouped with unsavory individuals or questionable organizations.  To date, our strenuous selection process and monitoring of the  level of incompetence, indifference, and total idiocy equal to the staff here at FTI  has never found any corporation engaging in  this type of behavior..............until now.  After an experience yesterday, however,  our first corporate affiliate has been identified as equally inept as Gummo, the Balloon Boy, Dickie the Peap, Commando Barney,  and the rest of our losers.  And that is not the recipe for a successful business model.   Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce American Airlines.  (Earning a mention in our highly coveted "Government/Public Facility" Ineptness category is DFW Airport.  That will be explored at a later time)

While finishing up my non-Institute duties in the Dallas branch of Dilbert-land yesterday, I had an administrative person pre-print me a boarding pass to avoid the line at check-in.  Arriving 45 minutes in advance of the plane departing, I planned to go to  the desk, get the luggage tag, check the bag,  and be on my way.  Finally reaching the agent after 15 minutes of waiting,  I was informed that I was 4 minutes late in checking my bag and as a result, I could board, but, the bag would be on the next flight to my destination 5 hours later.  Apparently, "the computer" had cut off accepting any more baggage within 30 minutes of departure.  (Results produced by the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe during subsequent analysis last night were inconclusive on this statement).    Arriving, I was told that American would not pay to have the bag delivered as it was "your fault" for not having the bag ready on time.  Of course, the fact that I was electronically checked in, but, had not personally spoke with the agent; that Dallas is the location of American's headquarters and major hub; that American had 3 agents on duty at 4 pm on a Friday afternoon at the Gate 28-29 counter area to service the 3 lines of approximately 50 passengers waiting to be processed; and that nowhere on the boarding pass or on the American Airlines website concerning preboarding policies was this discussed seemed to sway anyone I spoke to .  So, it's a trip back to the airport to retrieve my luggage. 

Upon reflection, I understand this type of behavior; I experience it on a daily basis.  To practice this at the level equal to our own, though is noteworthy.   If you ever have the choice between American Airlines and a blind burro to get you somewhere capably, choose the mule.  After all, "We know why you fly.  We're American Airlines".

Jukebox: It's that Time of Year

Now, here is a sales tip

Well, I have arrived  at my out of town location on non-Institute business.  7 hours late.  And none too happy.     Unfortunately, I can't seem to escape the scrutiny, ridicule, and embarrassment that doggedly follows me when the three letters, FTI, are brought up. 

While checking in at the airport yesterday morning, I was asked to verify that my name and the one on my ticket matched.  I immediately provided my official FTI ID badge, adjusted my headwear, and readied myself to proceed to my gate. The gate agent look at my ID badge, looked at me, checked the badge again, and stated, "Uh, sir. We have a problem".   I realized that the act of adjusting my hat  had vastly altered my looks as compared to that on the badge and promptly removed it.  At this point, the agent cocked her head, narrowed here eyes, and repeated, "Sir, did you hear me?"  I pointed out that the hearing results of my recent physical with the personnel at our outsourced FTI medical facility, Tijuana Medical Clinico and Gringo Coffee, (Our Espresso is Bueno!") noted my hearing was normal.  She replied, "Then, what is this?"  Apparently, the Green Comic had thought it would be hilarious to steal my badge,  switch my image with his , and see what would ensue.  I eventually cleared up the misunderstanding and was finally assigned my seat between two large hulking individuals ("We're grain salesmen from Omaha") with crewcut hairstyles and earpieces.  I was able to get some rest after the ordeal and have arrived ready to fulfill my duties here. 

Upon arrival, I bid my seatmates a hasty goodbye and went to retrieve my bags.  We must have bonded in the air as I did notice them constantly observing me from the time we landed until I caught the cab.  I did point out to the two salesmen that, perhaps, if they were a little less shy and  improved their listening skills while speaking with the customer, their sales might increase.  They didn't seem too interested in listening to what I had to say.   I guess you are only as good as the people around you.

Santa!? Santa!? Have you no shame?

Unfortunately, even the Christmas season is not immune from the sophomoric behavior of our team.  I instructed the staff to decorate the compound here at FTI in festive Christmas lights as we usually try to have a nice display for our neighbors as an offering of goodwill and to thank them for not complaining about living within such close proximity of us year round.    I assigned Gummo, the Balloon Boy, to decorate the staff wing.  Here is the result.  Is there any wonder why I have health issues?

Now, to tie up some of those loose ends

A little bit of housekeeping from this past week:

The Boomerang effect noted this past Monday is real.  Based on a closer observation of our staff during the recent Chrismas light installation party here at the Insititute, the syndrome couldn't be clearer.  This team is a bunch of idiots. 

The cheap-assed Board of Directors conducted an emergency budget session to approve my request for additional funds for repair of our sewage treatment system.  Previously, my pleas for funds had been ignored, but, when I pointed out the fact that our reputation was now in jeopardy of actually fulfilling itself, literally, I couldn't have received the money quick enough. 

The controversy over the authority succession plan is still not settled.  It was decided that a written proficiency test should be  part of any evaluation when considering candidates for the position of Executive Director.  Unfortunately, the only tests our members are adept with are those that involve a jail nurse, a small plastic cup, and a  restroom.  Anything else is  beyond their abilities. 

I can't get away from this place next week fast enough.   

 

Jukebox: Look closely. Some of our Staff are in this video

Well, we could draw straws

A recent event has exposed a major flaw here at FTI that has never been addressed. This may, however, be a problem that has no solution.

I am scheduled to be out of town next week on non-Institute business. It has been pointed out that we have no succession plan of leadership to conduct business in my absence or sudden demise. This is a huge problem. The problem is that we have no qualified candidates to assume these responsibilities. I have studied parallel circumstances to attempt to find some solution, but have been stymied at every turn to date. For example, upon the death or incapacitation of members of Congress, there have been instances of spouses assuming the position their spouse occupied. Mrs. Kfred would be a logical choice to be my replacement, but, as Director of Institute Safety, she has no interest in the Executive Director position. I would not be so cruel as to saddle Kred Jr’s 1 or 2 at this point in their young lives to have to deal with this band of Weirdo’s, Whacko’s, and Misfits. Dickie the Peap would probably be the immediate and first choice to carry on our mission, but his disability prevents him from effectively fully carrying out the financial duties associated with the position. Gummo, the Balloon Boy, has some potential, but his recent admission that “sometimes, I’m a Buffoon”, immediately disqualifies him. Freako, Commando Barney, Trumpster, and the rest just are not yet seasoned enough to don this mantle of responsibility. We have a rising star in The Campus Eunuch; he may be a glimpse into the future here at FTI.  Time will tell.  In the meantime, I plan on being as careful as humanly possible to avoid any mishaps that would result in my inability to lead. After all,  who else would produce this stuff?

I wouldn't want you to think we are full of..................

While lounging in the Executive quarters of the FTI compound last night, Mrs. Kfred alerted me to a high pitched alarm occuring outdoors and asked me to investigate.  As the Director of Institute Safety, Mrs. Kfred has been a valuable member in keeping the Institute free of any time lost accidents or harmful events which would raise our liability costs any further.  (The monthly payment to our bondsman whom we have on retainer is substantial enough.  We can't afford any more insurance).  As chief maintenance officer, and at her repeated insistence suggestion, I immediately sprung into action.

Upon further investigation, I determined that the alarm was occurring because one of the effluent pumps on the waste treatment facility here at the Institute was not functioning properly. Our cheap-assed Board of Directors has repeatedly cut our budget so many times that our repair equipment for this division of FTI has been reduced to a single plunger, easily purchased at your local Home Depot for $2.49 (or free if you happen to get a door buster holiday special at the local Tru-Value). Regardless, there was trouble a-brewin'. I quickly formulated a repair plan that calmed Mrs. Kfred, ended the distracting noise, and guaranteed a peaceful night's sleep: I simply hit the "Silence Alarm" button. Of course, this does nothing to address the actual problem in the first place. It does, however, buy me time to deal with the issue in the daylight hours, call a professional, and arrange for the necessary repairs.

I relay this incident to get it out in the open. I'm sure some of our less well intentioned, mean-spirited, affiliates will try to comment, make fun of our plight, and suggest that we are full of it anyway. I remind our staff:  We are what you produce.