Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Do I look like Mike Wallace?

Highly reminiscent of an earlier post addressing the need for  internet passwords, I recently had a chance to question the staff and get "inside their heads".  And, it is not a pretty place. 

The results of my interviews and questioning of the staff in regard to the recent "tagging" request by a fellow blogger has left me speechless. Like a lion culling a herd of wild sloths (Freudian like,  isn't it?  staff=sloths;  hmmm........) by separating  the weakest members from the rest of the herd, I was able to convince Freako Deako, Gummo the Balloon Boy, Rat Bastard G,  and Marv the Neighbor to sit down and answer some innocent, innocuous  questions, and record their various  answers.   We originally had planned to include Dickey the Peap as well, but, he has been busy engaging in deep penance for sins against nature  from which he is still recovering.  We wish Dickey a speedy recovery and assure him he will be forgiven.   

To refresh the readers memory, the original request was for 8 different answers to specific questions (What TV shows do you like to watch?, what 8 things are on your wishlist?, What 8 things are you passionate about, etc).  I have HAD to modify the  questions to correlate with their lives.  The observant reader will note that, though 5 panelists were seated,  the questions were only answered by 4 of our panelists.    (Marv the Neighbor spent the whole time obsessing about deep frying a turkey for the spring picnic and  had difficulty with most of the test questions.)

To protect and preserve the anonymity of our staff, I have assigned each as No. 1, No. 2, etc.  Ashamedly, here are the questions and the unedited answers:

QUESTION 1:  "Proper health and nutrition are essential to a strong mind.  Along with these 2 attributes is the need for  proper sleep.  Sleep accounts for approximately 1/3 of our lifespan.  Where do you enjoy your best sleep?"

No. 1     The FTI utility room.  (It's warm in there with the water heater)
No. 2      On my side
No. 3      The dumpster behind the tavern
No. 4      In Jail

QUESTION 2:    "FTI has provided you with a fresh start and a chance to make your life a little more meaningful.  What do you like best about being part of FTI?"

No. 1      The hat, with the wires............ attached to the sparks
No. 2       What he said
No. 3       Checkers
No. 4       Jury Duty

QUESTION 3:  "You each were members of TEAM FTI, the ribbon-winning team that competed in the Deep Thinking contest held recently.   How would you characterize your 9 year old opponents in the Lightweight  Division?"   

No. 1      Little cheating snots
No. 2      Where?
No. 3      Do we have to play them next year?
No. 4      Their coach looked like a judge I once faced

QUESTION 4: "Which person, either living or dead, would you say has influenced you the most? 

No. 1    Carrot Top
No. 2    Abraham Lincoln
No. 3    Pee Wee Herman
No. 4    Big Bird

                 (*BONUS ANSWER:   Jack Benny.       Though not available during our interview session, Dickey the Peap got wind of this one and adamantly chose Benny because of Benny's frugal comedy routine.  None of us have the heart to inform the Peap that it was all an act.)      

There you have it.  An "inside look" of the mindset and answers of our staff to the most basic of questions. Accuracy was certainly not the goal in this exercise; completion was.  And those answers, dear reader, like most internet passwords, are close enough.

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We welcome your corrections, musings, and notes of sympathy. Due to the limited cognitive ability of our staff, please limit words to no higher than a fourth grade comprehension level.