Eh, Excuse me Doc. Can you direct me to the Coachella Valley and the Carrot Festival, therein?

By the time this post is published, Mrs. Kfred and I will have jetted off to visit Freako Deako and his lovely wife for a long weekend.  I have purposely planned this event as a means to test the mettle and fortitude of our trustee, Giacommo.  I tend to think of it as kind of a "popquiz" for him and plan to use it as a method to test his resolve to continue on here at FTI.  I have pre-chosen tomorrow's decidedly low-tech Jukebox selection and advised local law enforcement of my absence,  so, he won't have those burdens.  He will, however, be charged with the tasks of deciding  which snack to serve the Misfits, deny any  knowledge of  the status of our overdue account with the local bail bondman, and to help Gummo the Balloon Boy get his "freak" back on.  (Editors Note:  We have no knowledge of what the last duty entails.  We simply transfer copy given to us.) 

As we are still working on a succession plan for the Executive Director  position here at the Institute, I am curious to see the results.  I have high expectations and am confident Giacommo is up to the task.  Failure, however, has it's own downside. Depending on the severity of any screw-up,  he will simply be assigned to sharpen pencils,  be broken down to the status of an ordinary Misfit,  or worse, banished from FTI and go back to dealing with Crazy.    None are options that an up and coming, enthusiastic, alternative thinker would aspire to.  On the other hand, this  is  FTI.  Regardless, I am not going to worry and simply enjoy my time away. 

Say, this place reminds me a lot of Alba-koy-kee.

This is what friends are for?

I note that upon my return from the "procedure", my friends, Non-Institute friends, and even the Misfits were not actually interested in my well being, but, just feigning interest in order to lob assorted insults and one liners in my direction.    Greetings such as 1) "did you have a poop-tastic day?", 2) "Hi Colon Kfred!", 3) "I heard you and your Doctor got married" and 4) "Did you chafe?" from the Rat Bastard G were part of my return.  Gummo the Balloon Boy sent me  an image of a Roto-Rooter truck earlier and wished me the best of luck. 

Under similar circumstances, women tend to show genuine empathy and care.  They  love to talk about childbirth and their various experiences while giving birth, but, they never insult one another or make fun  of it.  Men, on the other hand, just keep "piling" on insults when talking about vasectomies or colonscopies.   I assume all of these smart asses will, at one time or another, undergo this same procedure.   And believe me, I will be standing in line to dump on them twice as much as what they gave me.    But I do know, deep down, they do care. 

Bastards.

"Procedure" defined

A recap from yesterday's "procedure":  Upon arriving at the hospital and the pre-admission process, I was escorted back to my room for the prep process.  I must say, I was impressed with the accuracy and verification process as I had to recite my name, birthdate, Doctor's name, and the purpose of my visit 3 times to insure that I was indeed the right person whom was going to be administered the "procedure".  (They obviously could have benefited from having a  fully restored Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe like we have here at FTI.)    Following that, my nurse gave me an overview of what to expect  and a litany of questions concerning my health habits:  Do I smoke? Do I drink? (What?  Are you kiddin'?), etc.   Finally, a young Doogie Howser-like doctor comes into my room apologizing for carrying a cup of coffee ( I had been fasting for 36 hours to this point and would kill for coffee) and introduces himself.  We make the obligatory small talk and then I realize, "Here I am, handing my ass to a complete stranger with complete trust and absolutely no recourse if this whole thing goes south."

Wheeled back into the operating room, I am introduced to 2 female nurses, Sandy and Sherry.  Both are very pleasant types whom are going about their tasks with a very workman-like efficiency while chatting with me the whole time.  I once again have to verbally give them, my name, birthdate, and purpose of my visit to make sure they've got the right asshole (literally and figuratively) in front of them for the purpose at hand.  Satisfied I am who I claim to be and realizing I have now reached the point of no return, one of the nurses asks for authorization to begin the sedative.  Imagining myself as a poor man's  James Bond, I asked if it would be appropriate to try to fight the effects of the drugs.   All 3 exclaimed, "No!  This is the one time it's legal to enjoy drugs. "  The last thing I remember is to ask the 2 women was, "Now, you girls aren't going to peek, are you?"   The doctor pipes up, "Ah, don't worry.  After the first 30, the novelty kind of wears off."  We were all laughing and everything quickly fades to black. 

Re-emerging from the fog, I sense I am now back in my room with Mrs. Kfred rubbing my cold feet and a nurse offering me a glass of Sprite.  Apparently, the doctor has already come in , declared me "clean as a whistle, no problems, and good for another 10 years."  One of the narcotics given during the procedure causes an amnesia state where the patient does not remember anything.  Apparently during the procedure they had to administer some more anesthesia because of some discomfort.  I imagine this is why, I find out later,  I asked Mrs. Kfred 4 times what she had been doing during my absence,  I asked the doctor the condition of my appendix (?),  and I signed a statement acknowledging that I had been given care.  None of these events do I recall. 

So, that's it.  The Grand Event is over.  I am good to go and back in the saddle.  In celebration of success and as a little gift to myself, Mrs. Kfred are I headed south to visit Freako beginning Thursday for a couple of days.  A little warm weather, some sunshine,  a lot of wine.  I can't wait.   Other than Dickie the Peap, I don't know of anyone whom would sneak into a hospital to have this type of procedure willingly done to them voluntarily.  As a parting gift, I received 3 color images of the probed area.  I have no idea why I requested these during my "don't remember" stage, but, apparently I did.  I am thinking of including these in our newest brochure under the "Meet the Staff" section.  Do you think anyone one would question it? 

Define "Procedure"

It is presently Monday, 2:23 am PST. By the time that our 2 faithful readers read this, I will have returned home, finished, and resting from my procedure.   "Procedure";   1) according to Webster:  n.  a particular way of accomplishing something or of acting;  2) according to my doctor's office: a common, relatively painless medically related act to determine your colon-rectal health; 3) my version:   We're sticking a camera up your ass and not going to say so.

Why I am I writing this at this un-Godly hour?  I have to get up and finish the other half-gallon of orange flavored, slightly salty, stomach turning solution of water and powdered laxative to have me  cleaned out for the procedure.  I already drank the first half gallon earlier this evening resulting  in repeated trips to the bathroom ending in a steady stream of water coursing through my body.  Truly, it wasn't so bad.  I got the joy of taking some Magnesium Citrate earlier after dinner on Saturday evening.  Now THAT! was a treat.  A small 10 oz. bottle of this magical cherry elixir will cure what ails you.  I'm telling you, Ladies and Gentlemen, it cures  hangnails, it cures earwax, it cure...........I think you get the point.  After drinking that stuff, there isn't anything you suffer from which you would ever complain about again.   Everything comes streaming out of you at the same velocity as  that of a firehose downhill from the hydrant. Look out below!  I relay all of this information in advance of our FTI Healthcare Fair coming up  later in the springtime.    Each of the Misfits is to adopt a particular malady, do a bit of research,  man a booth to discuss the condition, and inform our participants of helpful information.  The fact that I am now undergoing this procedure will be my adopted cause.

We have decided to conduct the Healthcare Fair annually as a testament to our devotion to one another and to meet the terms of our original charter.   Ironically, and as a demonstration of our commitment to meet those terms,  Dickey the Peap volunteered to stand in for me for today's pending procedure as he has an affinity for these types of acts.  I gently reminded him it was my health being measured, and though I appreciated the interest and offer, I would undergo it on my own.   It actually brought a tear to my eye:  Our willingness to help out our fellow man knows no bounds.

It's Dehydration Sunday

Hey, it's Dehydration Sunday and in anticipation of tomorrow's medical procedure, we are preparing for the Grand Event.  Likewise,  the staff is also purging useless mental material and is taking the day off as well. 

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Jukebox: Perhaps, better played on Sunday?

Medic!! We Need a Medic over here!

The entire FTI  currently seems to be (or is headed for) the Injured Reserve list shortly.    That fact  is worrisome to me as the all-important spring season will be upon us very shortly.  You see, springtime is when  the Misfits come out of their collective thinking hibernation and actually produce some type of thinking of actual value.  A quick review of this winter's past 3 months of posts would confirm the above statement and it is my hope as Executive Director that the quality of output rapidly improves.  Our recent addition of 2 new members should help in that department. 

A quick roster status update:   Slateface recently had a new pacemaker installed, and though it is classified as a relatively minor procedure in the surgery world, it does sideline him for a while.  We actually requested some type of cranial enhancement procedure as long as the surgeon was "in the neighborhood", but the medical prognosis was that it would be of little value.  Freako has returned South for treatment "vacation" and is medically unavailable.  The Rat Bastard G has been laid up with a bad back, twisted ankle, and severe dandruff.  His prognosis is strictly day to day.  Dickey the Peap is  paralyzed with fear to grab his wallet and is part of  clinical trials for a medication to combat alligator-arm syndrome.  Unfortunately, even I am subject to the downturn as today marks  Day 1 on my low fiber diet in preparation for an early  Monday colonoscopy appointment.  (NOTE TO FTI PERSONNEL:  Though verbal jabs, insults, and sophomoric attempts at literary superiority are expected, I will be documenting this behavior,  referencing such, and considering it during personnel evaluations later in the year).    I have never had this procedure performed before and am actually not worried over it as much as I am of the preparation that is required before.  I went to the pharmacy yesterday to get the required medication/laxative that I need to take on Sunday and even the pharmacist remarked, "Yeah, this stuff doesn't taste very good".    Oh boy, I can hardly wait.  

Hopefully, we can all get over this minor bump in the road to our ultimate goal of some sound thinking.  Like the finance guys always disclaim:  "Prior  results are not an indication of future activity".   I only hope that is not the case.   

It isn't fair

Are you kiddin' me?  I work my ass off all weekend with a non-functioning chainsaw to limb that damn tree, clean it up, haul away the branches, etc and then a spring windstorm knocks down 2 adjacent trees I couldn't get too?  What the hell is going on?

I wish there was a way to retaliate against Mother Nature and  punk her back because she sure fooled me. Twice.  Once with the tree thing and then again  by passing off our population as something resembling normal.  Ultimately, I wouldn't do that, though.     Like the old commercial used to say:  It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.

Nothing but work makes Kfred a dull boy

Though my position of Executive Director here at the Institute is primarily an administrative one, I do quite frequently get involved with actual physical activity  as well.  This weekend was a case in point. 

Along with some trees of my own, Mrs. Kfred has been "suggesting" to me that I talk to the owners of some neighboring property to inquire about cutting down one of their trees as well to open up a view corridor.  Though ensconced by a 6 foot barbed-wired topped fence, the compound  is on a hill side and we have a view to some water in the distance.  Taking down these trees would be an improvement on the view.  I successfully got permission and cut down the offending tree last weekend.  I returned this weekend to limb it and remove the cut boughs.  As demonstrated by the inability of FTI landscaping crew in the past to actually beautify matters, I was worried about them actually planting trees rather than taking them down.   None of the Misfits were available to help, so,  I undertook this little program upon by myself. 

My day started with a borrowed chainsaw that refused to start up.  Despite my numerous heroic efforts to coax the mechanical beast from it's  slumber of inactivity, it was not about to have any part of assisting me in my efforts.  So, with my best Paul Bunyan mindset, I set out to  limb a damn 50 foot tree with nothing but an Axe.  Successfully completing the majority of that task on Saturday, I returned yesterday to finish the job.  I consulted with the chainsaw owner overnight whom got the chainsaw operating and was ready to complete the task in record time.  Unfortunately, the chain on the chain saw was as dull as the collective IQ of our misfits and was of no value whatsoever.  (I swear I actually heard the tree giggle as I was attempting to cut it as I am sure if there is anything resembling tickling a tree, this would have  been it.)  Finally finishing this task, I again was given the "suggestion"  that  the lawn should be mowed before it rained.  Since this was the first mowing of the season, the yard resembled the first cutting of a prized alfalfa crop any farmer would be proud to claim.  2 hours later, that task was done.   Settling in  with a tall tumbler of gin and tonic, I had dinner, watched a bit of TV, and fell asleep in the chair in no time.

I relay these experiences to demonstrate that mine is not a glory position here at FTI; actual work is accomplished here on a periodic basis.  Unfortunately, none of it is a result of efforts by the Misfits.   Hopefully, we can someday  get the Misfits up to the level of actually pulling weeds to improve a yard versus collecting them as salad greens to eat at dinner. 

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

The unpleasant Springtime Ritual

The FTI Legal/Finance team (rapidly becoming the second most reviled department here at FTI) has just informed me that they failed to "save" our 2009 tax statements and that I would again be need to be available for the 3 hour interview session for necessary information to prepare the documents. 

The fact that we as an organization are subject to possible payment of taxes, let alone that these idiots didn't record our meeting in the first place is astounding to me.  We produce no product,  output, or service of any tangible meaning.  As specified in our charter, our purpose is to "offer policy, analysis, and observations generated by the same staff that mental health professionals have identified as Weirdos, Whackos, and Misfits."  Part of the confusion is due to the finance teams inability to comprehend my position of the Institutes responsibility that when  I traded off the Institutes CRAP (Central Research, Analysis, and Policy) Vehicle from last year that I am now claiming it as a qualified deductible non-profit expense and this should have no bearing upon our current situation.    I also have to defend the act of having authorized the purchase of drool bibs and a golden silk,  highlighted with yellow rhinestones, ceremonial dunce's cap for use here at the Institute. 

I hate tax season. 

Jukebox: I think "Undesirable Ways" is the politically correct term

One step forward, one step back. Yeah, that's about right.

As posted earlier, we have added 2 new members here at FTI .  During the interview process, I had mentioned to both candidates that upon successful selection and subsequent appointments to their positions,  it would be beneficial  to attend  a simple FTI orientation  meeting to discuss our policies, practices,  and expectations.    Though not mandatory, I  have developed this overview session to help our new members immerse into the FTI "culture". 

Slateface was a no show.  This type of conduct  is not surprising to me as most of our staff have a very limited attention span and clearly have trouble following the simplest of directions. Obviously, he will meld into our population easily.    Giacommo, our  persistent affiliate, showed up at the appointed time, clean-shaven, freshly scrubbed, and determined to make a good initial impression.  Describing the parallel organization from which he arrived, I was immediately struck with his savvy, ability to comprehend a situation, and drive for excellence.  As a result, I have decided to assign him a "Trustee 1" status among our group.  (Giacommo, did inquire about the opportunities for advancement which, while commendable, I feel may be a bit premature as I have yet to see him fully interact with the balance of our staff.)  Subsequent appointments to "Trustee 11" or "Gopher-boy-to-Kfred 1" are certainly possible career goals for qualified candidates.     

I feel good about our latest additions.  As noted by the title of our post, we simply seem to tread water in the float down the river of excellence.  I wonder, however,  if the fact that  the compound has frontage  on a backwater eddy may have something to do with it. 

Organizational Announcement

I am pleased to announce that we have added 2 new affiliates to our team here at FTI  and look forward to their contributions to make FTI the success we have sorely waited for during our initial  creation and subsequent existence. 

Our newest misfit, Slateface, has been on the periphery edges of us here at Flatline Thinking for a long time. This same individual, though possessing a keen wit, is somewhat odd in his own right as evidenced by this earlier action photo of him playing golf. He does, however, bring a unique perspective to most issues and though we need another misfit like we need a hole in our head, his main duties will be to act as a counterbalance and "keeper of the fiscal dignity" in deference to the death-gripped wallet antics of Dickey the Peap.

An aggressive individual with obvious hidden problems, Giacommo, will also become a part of the FTI team primarily in a "trustee" status.  In 2005, Giacommo joined  a parallel organization and has contributed to improving that organization's  structure, personnel development, strategic planning and execution in this role. He has repeatedly asked to become a part of the FTI squad, but, we initially rebuffed Giacommo  as we felt his intellect and ability was considerably higher than  any of our staff.  His repeated insistence and determination could not be ignored, however,  and we are pleased to have him on board.   

Rather than relocating here to the FTI compound, both individuals will  remain where they currently reside and  contribute on a semi-regular basis. 

Please join me in conveying our best wishes and congratulations upon their affiliation with FTI.

It's tryout Sunday

In order to freshen the thinking and quality of conclusions arrived here, we are conducting Tryout Sunday.  Based on a startling revelation posted  in the comments section of this past Tuesday's effort, we are excited to announce the approval to add a new team member as authorized by the cheap-assed Board of Directors.    Think of it as kind of a reverse "American Idol" competition.

Part of the reason for Tryout Sunday is that the misfits can't seem to generate much worth reading; thats why we are always looking for candidates.  As proof, take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.  I'm sure you will agree we need some new blood. 

See you tomorrow.

To quote the late Alexander Haig, " As of now, I am in control....."

Ah, the weekend is finally here and I have a chance to resume my normal duties here at the Institute.   Though sometimes disheartening, there is a distinct feeling of satisfaction knowing that my efforts to contain these idiots in a single location are appreciated by all people once they observe our team.  A simple, knowing, "Thank God it's you and not me" comment solidify my thoughts that my efforts are not in vain. 

I had some visiting authority from the National Chapter of Dilbertland in town for 3 days and  spent the majority of this week attending to the responsibilities associated with that.  In my absence, the Institute has been fairly quiet. A couple of non-issues: The Institute Olympics idea was quickly scuttled as the Misfits  just cannot master (do not have?) the abilities to assemble in one place to begin the opening march-in, let alone, compete in any meaningful events to determine some sort of "winner";   Freako  Deako is coming back from treatment vacation and has requested a meeting with  Mrs Kfred and me next week to discuss our upcoming visit to  Palm Springs in March (I am considering a satellite location for the Institute); and Dickey the Peap is still in hiding. 

On the horizon, I have been  meeting with the FTI finance department in regards to the preparation of our yearly tax statements.  Our original charter mandated our creation as an agreement between us and our State Attorney General's office as restitution on behalf of some indiscretions a few of our members.   As a result, we agreed to perform community service for an undetermined amount of time at no cost.  The  FTI legal team (whom got their ass handed to them recently by my personal lawyer, Shifty),  however, has questioned that arrangement and suggested we may indeed be liable for taxes.  Note to the FTI legal squad:  We pay you guys to help us avoid taxes, not pay them!  Idiots.

Staff evaluations, leave requests, planning for the Staff Summer picnic, a pending wedding.  All part of my upcoming duties.   Regardless, Mrs. Kfred and I are off this evening to see Goldilocks perform in her newest musical, "The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs" ( It must be good, the producers extended the run and added 4 more shows).   Just remember:  "Thank God, its you and not me".

Jukebox: A great soundtrack from a fun movie

Maybe the community cable access channel has some time to fill

Noting that the Winter Olympics are currently being held in the other Vancouver,  the subject was brought up at our staff meeting yesterday that perhaps we should have our own FTI Olympics for the staff to break up the midwinter "blah's" .  

The problem, however, lies in the development of appropriate events in which  our staff would compete.  The winter snowfall has been very light, so,  the ability to make snow orderlies  is out.  The FTI wastewater treatment facility never freezes over and  is not large enough for short track speed skating.  When notified via email, Dickie the Peap volunteered to take over the concession duties as he immediately saw the opportunity to gouge visitors on overpriced parking, lodging, and food charges as a means to add to his already bulging personal fortune.    In desperation, Gummo, the Balloon Boy, suggested apartment hunting as an exhibition event.  That suggestion was soundly rejected.    

I have noticed a marked decrease in the quality of thinking produced lately and feel some type of mental diversion is in order to help our team.  I am concerned however about our team uniforms.  It will be very difficult to identify one another as the events are happening  because the white jumpsuits tend to blend together.  We already have a hard time keeping track of this bunch as stupidity does not seem to have  a particular standout trait.   During our rehearsals for the opening ceremony, the misfits came marching in  the wrong end of the FTI compound.  This is definitely not a made-for-TV moment. 

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.



See you tomorrow.

Time for some quick R & R

Mrs. Kfred and I are going to the ocean for the weekend with some friends. The Institute is located about 2 hours from the beach and since springtime has been darting about lately, I thought I would combine both and enjoy them together. 

The misfits have been behaving themselves and have recently surfaced.  Dickey the Peap is still on the lam, but, has contacted me privately to notify me of his whereabouts.  For the time being, he has chosen to take a room at a transient hotel 1000 miles away where he doesn't need to worry about losing his pants.  Gummo, the Balloon Boy, is out looking for somewhere  to stay as he was recently notified that he would need to move from where he lived before spending time with us.   He has been eyeing various locales and should have a decision between the Kitchen-Aid refrigerator packing box and the  spacious bridge bulkhead under the freeway  shortly.   (Knowing that impulsive Gummo, he will probably shoot the budget and upgrade to the abandoned school bus in the junkyard, instead.)

I have left instructions with the cheap-assed Board of Directors that they are on their own if any problems occur in the next 48 hours as  I will not be returning phone calls or be accessible via e-mail.   Like the staff, I too, occasionally try to break the tether of today's various electronic communication devices.  Unlike the staff, mine aren't wrapped around my ankles. 

But the song is certainly sane

Trade talks are heating up

While certainly having my hands full here at FTI with the present staff, I feel that I can handle the duties of managing and overseeing our collection of bumblers.    Though not a career aspiration that a normal person would aspire, there seems to be an odd infatuation surrounding our organization.  Some people actually DO want to be associated with us.  In the past, we have had some veiled and not-so-veiled  inquiries to joining the FTI network, but, I felt the caliber of thinking exhibited by the individuals inquiring  was certainly superior to our staff and I didn't think they would be a good fit. 

A director at a parallel type of organization, Giacomo, has brought to my  attention a candidate whom he feels would be a good fit here at FTI.  Like me, Giacomo has extensive experience in dealing with odd personalities and inconsistent behaviors, irrational ideas, and  unexplained absences.  He feels his candidate, CrazY, would fit in well and has suggested he be placed here.  I am well aware of the behaviors of Crazy, considered this notion for a total of about 15 seconds, and immediately decided against the same.  C'mon!  CrazY?!  The name alone implies trouble. 

Probably surprising to most readers, FTI is not part of a larger "league".  Directors of various facilities do not sit around and offer to trade staff members on a regular basis.  We don't attempt to measure which organization is more ill-suited for normalcy versus one another.  The only competition we are a part of is to avoid the race to the bottom.  Unfortunately, FTI has been at the bottom of the standings since it's inception and I don't see any imminent change in the near future.   Like our own Freako Deako, we all have  members whom typify our organizations.   We don't need another whack-job.  With deference to my esteemed colleague, no thank you. You keep CrazY.

Never doubt the power of the internet

While doing some deep analysis yesterday in studying the traffic patterns that direct readers  to the FTI website, I noticed a disturbing event that bears mentioning.  

We had a visitor yesterday whom performed a Google search that resulted in their arrival at our site.  This would not normally bear any further mention except for the odd phrase that was used to bring them here in the first place.  The reader (and I am not making this up) searched for the phrase "what do 12 monkeys and flatliners have in common?".   As proof, I challenge our 2 faithful readers to verify  by checking  here.  Right there.  There it is, the third subject down.  (I assume this posting will generate a "hit" as well since I am using those key words.  )

I began thinking:  What DO 12 monkeys and flatliners have in common and why would a Google search refer them here?  The answer:  we do have similarities! For instance, we have a core squad of 6 idiots whom are of basically the same intelligence level as 12 monkeys.  Monkeys are the "clowns" of the zoo; our team are the clowns of the community.  Monkeys scratch themselves in private places in public spaces; so do our guys.  Monkeys are kept in compounds for observation.  We have 2 readers that observe our team of idiots.

The internet has changed information gathering and how we learn in the few years of it's existence.  I only wish I had known about it's power before I arrived here at FTI.  Had I done so, I would have bought a couple of monkeys. 

An alternative Alice in Wonderland adventure

Having served my 10 Day suspension for still unknown reasons, I am now back and resuming full duties as Executive Director here at FTI.  The legal agreement that my lawyer, Shifty, negotiated prevents me from commenting about specifics of the charges in the first place.  I can state, however, that I can continue to make fiscally related budgeting behavior comments about the Board of Directors with no impunity, whatsoever.

Let's review some of the damage that occurred during my absence:

1)  The Friday jukebox franchise was tarnished with the playing of the 1980's Japanese science fiction commercial.  I have no idea what the idiots were trying to promote or display other than the Godzilla vs. Rodan movies of the 50's may indeed have been the pinnacle of Japanese entertainment. 

2)  The Sunday "green " policy, so carefully tended and cultivated, was trampled and uprooted by Gummo the Balloon Boy along with a threat to "pants" a fellow staff member, "that Nancy-Boy" Dickey the Peap.

3)  The Green Comic is flatout not funny.   

4)    The Hayward family's quiet, white picket fence, suburbia enjoying, existence and  anonymity were shattered when realizing life had dealt them  a cruel blow  by being associated with our band of do-nothings.  The stain of idiocy by association will never be cleansed.  I am sorry for you.

and finally,

5)  This site has been characterized as a "Mommy" blog.  Nothing sully's the FTI reputation for cutting edge analysis, observation, and policy direction worse than to be grouped in with writings of cupcake recipes and mini van mishaps. 

An update of the staff: The two main instigators of the damage,  Gummo, the Balloon Boy and Rat Bastard G, are nowhere to be found.  Dickie the Peap is on the lam somewhere fearing he may lose his trousers.  Freako Deako still has 20 treatments days left on his 45 day "vacation", Commando Barney is still pouting over the Minnesota Vikings probable loss of Brett Favre next season, and Marv the Neighbor just  eliminated a potential picnic menu item with less than favorable results by experimentally deep frying  a cat.    (C'mon!  The cat was dead in the first place.)

While I was gone, I met someone whom asked how I would best describe this entire FTI episode.  The best parallel I can think of is that we are something like the World Wrestling Entertainment outfit:  We've got pretty boys and we have villains.   We just don't have feathered boa's.

It's success Sunday!!

After marathon negotiations lasting all day yesterday and deep into the evening last night, I am pleased to announce a breakthrough in the impasse!  The cheap-assed Board of Directors agreed to reinstate me at my old position as Executive Director of FTI.  Our amiable agreement does not allow me to share details of our settlement (those bastards;  I'll eventually expose them for the 2 faced SOB's they truly are!) other than allowing me to express my satisfaction in the effort of both sides.   

In the meantime,  we have re-instituted our "green" policy here at FTI.   Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Change is in the wind

Shifty, my lawyer, just called me early this morning after an all night negotiating session with the cheap-assed FTI Board of Directors discussing my reinstatement as Executive Director at FTI.  Evidently, they and the Hayward family have had enough  embarrassment and ridicule as a result of the losers trying to run the FTI website during my still undisclosed forced departure that there seems to suddenly be a sense of urgency to make some changes.    Though nothing concrete has been agreed to, he assures me that things are beginning to move.  I can't confirm if he was  talking about the pace of negotiations concerning my return or the desires for  "regularity" by the particpants.  Regardless, there should be a breakout event in the next few hours.

As best as I can determine, there was some  unhappiness with me for constantly referring to the Board with the adjective, "cheap-assed".   A couple of members got in a snit and decided that costs could be further cut by determining that my services were no longer desired and to let the staff takeover running the website.     That plan came to a screeching halt, however, when they realized that once the Weirdo's, Whacko's,  and Misfits took control of the website, the FTI organization not only was subject to total humiliation and ridicule, but also, legal persecution as witnessed by the threatened suit brought forth by the Hayward's attorney.

I have investigated a few changes I can implement in the near future and will certainly become a bit more respectful of upper management and the staff in general.  In particular, the phrases "ass-clown",  "dipwad", and "scumface" will no longer be used by me in describing the staff or Board  ( I have instructed Shifty to negotiate to allow me to continue to use "cheap-assed", however).  During my time off, I have had time for some self-reflection and realize I have made mistakes as well.  After all, calling our staff stupid would be an insult to stupid people.


 

Jukebox: The circus is definitely back in town

The unkindest cut of all

Kfred here and I'm not happy! 

A reader surmises that this site has become a MOMMY BLOG!? What in the Hell is going on here?  You bastard's actually stole someone else's blog material and put it out as your own??!  A nice, sweet family page by the Haywards, hijacked and commandeered, all for the purpose of filling space? 

For the past week, I have witnessed the general deterioration and  utter destruction of the FTI website.  What was once mostly askew is now totally unhinged and rapidly revealing itself to be the true trainwreck I have worked so hard to hide.  I can only imagine the shock and disappointment the Hayward family feels of knowing their posts have been pirated by the caretaker idiots at FTI.   

Though still serving a suspension for unknown reasons, I have a moral obligation to make some apologies: 

To the Haywards:  my deepest apologies.  If I were you, I would seek legal council and sue for pain and embarrassment damages for  being associated with these losers.

To our 2 loyal readers (if you are still there):  Though quality has never been a strong suit of the thinking produced by FTI, I can assure you that had I been in charge of posts these past few days, the level of subject material would be slightly higher.  Without setting the bar at a potentially never-attainable level, I emphasize the adjective, "slightly."

And lastly to the blogosphere community at large: I apologize for having assembled this group of losers and for actually thinking that  they even had the ability to  accomplish these types of deeds.  This is the same team that wears Velcro latched shoes versus shoes with actual laces, for God's sake.  And we haven't even begun to discuss the personal hygiene issues.  These losers are helpless and in need of a bath. 

Shifty is in negotiation currently with the cheap-assed FTI Board of Directors to have my suspension dropped and to be immediately reinstated.  Based on what I've seen in the last week, I think our bargaining leverage will have greatly increased.  For the Hayward's sake, let's hope so.

Hey, this is getting tough. We'll just borrow someone else's stuff.

Hey, The Green Comic here. We are all sharing the responsibility for putting stuff up  here. Of course,  I  have nothing original to add, so, will do what  I do best:  Use someone else's stuff.  Hope you want to learn about Gingerbread houses.

I have always wanted to make a gingerbread house from scratch. I found an awesome recipe online so I decided to give it a shot this year. Isaac helped me make the gingerbread on Saturday. Tony made the templates and cut out the house and we all helped decorate it! I think it turned out great! Maybe this will become a yearly tradition here..

Not quite as easy as it looks, is it?

Ok, so this gig is a little more work than we originally thought , but we can do it.    To prove out abilities, allow me to introduce one of the funniest guys I know.  Ladies and Gentlemen!  The Green Comic!!

"Thanks, Gummo.  Hey, Hey, Hey Ladies and Gentlemen!  Great to be here!    A SALESMAN  RINGS A DOORBELL, AND A YOUNG BOY ANSWERS THE DOOR WEARING A LONG VELVET GOWN,  A STRING OF PEARLS, A BLONDE WIG,  AND HOLDING A MARTINI.  THE SALESMAN ASKS, "ARE YOUR PARENTS HOME"?  THE BOY ASKS, " WHAT DO YOU THINK"?

"OK, OK, how about, MY GIRLFRIEND HAS ANOREXIA. YEAH I'M SEEING LESS AND LESS OF HER!!"

So Green is still working on his material, but, I'm telling you, the guy is hilarious. Hey, Rat.  Any progress on finding that Peap character?  Do we have anyway to track him.  Perhaps, his wallet?  Oh, that's right.  A wallet to the Peap is like a crucifix to a vampire.  Toxic. 

Well, I'm telling you, we can run this site without any supervision.  We're working on it. 

(EDITORS NOTE:  The above was submitted and posted as written.  We are here strictly for grammatical and factual accuracy.  We direct you to leave any complaints concerning quality of content  with the cheap-assed FTI Board of Directors.)

A message from exile

Kfred here.  

I am able to remotely access the FTI site due to the continuing ineptness of the FTI IT department ( the most reviled department at FTI) and it's know-nothing staff.  As noted in an earlier post, our delay in upgrading to Windows '95 on the FTI server has allowed me this opportunity to exploit the on-line security mechanism (password: dillweed) to communicate with you,  the 2 loyal FTI followers.

A quick update on our status to date:  I am rested, relaxed, but sadly, witnessing the complete meltdown of the FTI site for the past 3 days.  I have spent time on  maintenance duties of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe as it seized up while analyzing the statements posted by the band of idiots.  Dicky the Peap's comment of support, in particular, caused the electronic marvel to smoke, buzz, and whir until I was able to unplug it.  I do note that the staff portrayal of  him as a "Nancy-Boy, Kiss-ass"  was fairly accurate.  I can only assume the Peap was espousing this type of opinion as he mistakenly thought there would be a pending paid lunch on the horizon.  I remind you, Mr. Peap, the next scheduled  lunch meeting will be on your nickel.  (Dicky the Peap:  the only guy I know who  makes copper wire by playing tug-a-war with a penny.)  Otherwise, he would be back to the regular routine  of character bashing and indifference of my authority. 

My legal council, Shifty, is plotting a strategy for my return with full exoneration.  In the meantime, I thank you 2 faithful readers for your continuing support, encouragement, and best wishes.  One noted reader went so far as to question the seemingly addiction of following this site in the first place.  The only answer I can surmise is that the human curiosity is fickle:  Patterned after our real life inspiration from long ago, when the sideshow comes to town, you gotta go see it.  Ripley's Believe it of Not has nothing on us.   

Look it up yourself

It's Sunday and  we aren't working.   In fact, we might not be back for a while.

And that green stuff?  That's a bunch of crap.   If you want to look something up from the past, look here .  In the meantime, me and the boys are looking for that Nancy-Boy, Kiss-ass, Dicky the Peap.  When we locate him, me and the rest of the squad  are gonna "pants" him.   

We might be back tomorrow.

At least it's not a Mommy blog

Since we are now in charge of Flatline Thinking, we are announcing a new direction for this blog.  There will be no more comments about our abilities, shortcomings, or embarrassing events we've committed.

You might have seen some changes already.  We put up our favorite video yesterday and can promise you more of the same in the future.  Marv, the Neighbor is working on some safety tips for cooking deep fried turkey (almost thawed=bad), The Green Comic has already located some previously told jokes from the 70's that he hasn't posted,  and The Rat Bastard G and I are figgerin' to change the name of this blog so it reflects something else.  We're working on a name that would center around the daily lives of a group of people and their daily existence.    We don't have a name yet, but, before he got suspended , Kfred had suggested  a couple: Little Minds, Big World; Last, and  Weirdos, Whacko's and Misfits, oh My!  Maybe that is why the dumbass got suspended.  What do you have to say for yourself now Mr. Bigshot? 

That's the way it's gonna be around here from now on.  Since nobody but the same 2 people reads this thing anyways, the change shouldn't matter. 

Signed,

Gummo the Balloon Boy

Jukebox: We are in charge now

Will it be a paid leave?

I have been officially notified that I am on suspension as Executive Director of FTI for an indefinite period .    I just received the notification last night and have been relieved of all supervisory duties of the staff until further notice.  I'm not quite sure of the official reasoning, but then, nothing around here makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. 

The largest benefactor here at FTI happened to take take offense at my 60 minutes  posting a week ago where I was able to sit down and "get inside of the heads" of a couple of our members.  Apparently, the interview seemed to be the breaking point as it made our staff  look a little "less cerebral" (the benefactor's words) than what they truly are.  I thought it to be an accurate portrayal of our abilities and had no problem in publishing the results.  (Ironically, this morning, a past affiliate made the national news with his well thought out exploits.  This is the caliber of our team. )  I was summoned to an emergency meeting of the cheap-assed Board of Directors and given the news late last night.

I do value my position here at the Institute and plan to fight this punishment vigorously.  I have retained legal council and look forward to my vindication.    There is no clear chain of command here at FTI other than me because no one else is dumb enough to get mixed up with this tribe in the first place.  I assume the staff will be free to produce and publish their own policy and positions for the foreseeable future.  I do caution the readership, however, that you may be disappointed with the results.   Their last  attempt was to write a note, describe themselves and their various ages, place it in a bottle, toss it into the nearest body of water, and see how far the message would travel until someone contaced them.  Unfortunately, they threw it  in the ornamental FTI wishing well.  To date, no one has responded.

Partly Cloudy with a few sunbreaks

Groundhog Day has turned into one of the Holidays I absolutely dread.  The pageantry, spectacle, store ads announcing rodentcide sales, and the grandeur of the day has been increasingly ruined by the squabbling, hair-pulling,  and petty jealousy exhibited by the staff over who gets to be in the front of the crowd of our own local display to see the little rodent make his appearance.  Additionally, the days leading up to the second day of February are  filled with me constantly reassuring our team that, "Yes, we will go get a milkshake afterward",  or, "Now, now, don't worry. No one is going to try to make a hat out of him".   

In anticipation of the nervousness and anxiety brought on the staff, one of the members of the cheap-assed Board of Directors bought the above training device from a defunct Romanian carnival sideshow 2 months ago thinking that the staff could use it to train in advance and to get a feel for the fleeting moments that the groundhog actually makes his appearance.  It was hoped for that they would be more relaxed when the actual event occurred.  Unfortunately, the unit has been hung up in Customs and yet to clear quarantine.  Thus, the nervousness and anxiety continues. 

I am pleased to report, however, that our full supply of rubber suction cup tipped arrows arrived safely and we are currently  in training for Valentines Day.

Have you seen my nuts?

Desperate times drive people  to  desperate measures. These hard economic times have forced many people to re-evaluate the basics of life and adjust their priorities in order to meet them.  Less consumption, fewer luxuries, more self-reliance;  all methods  used to cope with economic conditions most of us have never experienced. 
Let me illustrate by example:  Mrs.  Kfred is involved on a search committee at her place of employment to find a suitable candidate to fill an opening they  employ.  The position is a low level staff position that requires a Bachelors Degree and 2 years of relevant experience with a salary in the low $30's range plus benefits.  All in all, not a bad job, but not exactly one that is going to make one rich, either.  Yet, the candidates have been pouring out of the woodwork for this position.  People with Masters degrees, Ph.d  levels, doctoral candidates.  The spectrum is endless.   I was naive to think that we at FTI  were insulated from this type of activity.  After all who would want to join us?

In the past 2 weeks, I have been approached by two different individuals hinting about joining our organization.  The caliber of these 2 particular types is certainly superior to the staff we currently employ.  Their presence here would greatly improve and raise the level of analysis we deliver on a daily basis.  Figuring these 2 would be a solid addition to our team, even if it meant for a short while, I approached the cheap-assed Board of Directors over the weekend to see if we could squeeze some extra dollars out of our budget to secure the intellectual properties exhibited by these individuals.  Unfortunately, our normal springtime Intellectually Diverse Intelligence Oriented Team-member (IDIOT)  recruitment drive has been canceled this year.  Apparently, one of the low level staffers deep inside our own FTI bureaucracy "accidentally" authorized the purchase of over 2000 Slap Chop  kitchen tools as holiday gifts and we are now trying to pay the bill off.  As a result, we are in no position to add staff this year. 

I informed both candidates that unfortunately, FTI was in no position to add positions at this time.  Both took the news well, accepted a small token of gratitude from  FTI  for their interest,  and went on their way.  Happy.  Excited.  Fulfilled.  After all, they now know that they just have to add a little onion and celery to some tuna and POW!  Instant tuna salad.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah, I've heard it before: It tastes like chicken

I note that PETA, the animal rights group,  has proposed that Punxsutawney Phil, the winter-ending rodent  forecaster for the past 150 years, be replaced by a robotic replacement.   Apparently, the sound thinking PETA folk think that Phil is being mistreated and would  be best served by being replaced by a machine. 

We here at FTI  have a strict policy of "no-interpretation" of a political nature.  (Our official position is that all politicians and "advocates" of most issues are strictly in it for themselves).  Regardless, this concept trumps anything our merry band of idiots could produce.  On behalf of our entire organization, however, PETA we salute you!    You are an inspiration and have replaced us as the group known to engage in the  lowest functioning  thinking possible.   Thank you. 

Jukebox: Well, I KNOW I certainly do

Do I look like Mike Wallace?

Highly reminiscent of an earlier post addressing the need for  internet passwords, I recently had a chance to question the staff and get "inside their heads".  And, it is not a pretty place. 

The results of my interviews and questioning of the staff in regard to the recent "tagging" request by a fellow blogger has left me speechless. Like a lion culling a herd of wild sloths (Freudian like,  isn't it?  staff=sloths;  hmmm........) by separating  the weakest members from the rest of the herd, I was able to convince Freako Deako, Gummo the Balloon Boy, Rat Bastard G,  and Marv the Neighbor to sit down and answer some innocent, innocuous  questions, and record their various  answers.   We originally had planned to include Dickey the Peap as well, but, he has been busy engaging in deep penance for sins against nature  from which he is still recovering.  We wish Dickey a speedy recovery and assure him he will be forgiven.   

To refresh the readers memory, the original request was for 8 different answers to specific questions (What TV shows do you like to watch?, what 8 things are on your wishlist?, What 8 things are you passionate about, etc).  I have HAD to modify the  questions to correlate with their lives.  The observant reader will note that, though 5 panelists were seated,  the questions were only answered by 4 of our panelists.    (Marv the Neighbor spent the whole time obsessing about deep frying a turkey for the spring picnic and  had difficulty with most of the test questions.)

To protect and preserve the anonymity of our staff, I have assigned each as No. 1, No. 2, etc.  Ashamedly, here are the questions and the unedited answers:

QUESTION 1:  "Proper health and nutrition are essential to a strong mind.  Along with these 2 attributes is the need for  proper sleep.  Sleep accounts for approximately 1/3 of our lifespan.  Where do you enjoy your best sleep?"

No. 1     The FTI utility room.  (It's warm in there with the water heater)
No. 2      On my side
No. 3      The dumpster behind the tavern
No. 4      In Jail

QUESTION 2:    "FTI has provided you with a fresh start and a chance to make your life a little more meaningful.  What do you like best about being part of FTI?"

No. 1      The hat, with the wires............ attached to the machine.....it sparks
No. 2       What he said
No. 3       Checkers
No. 4       Jury Duty


QUESTION 3:  "You each were members of TEAM FTI, the ribbon-winning team that competed in the Deep Thinking contest held recently.   How would you characterize your 9 year old opponents in the Lightweight  Division?"   

No. 1      Little cheating snots
No. 2      Where?
No. 3      Do we have to play them next year?
No. 4      Their coach looked like a judge I once faced


QUESTION 4: "Which person, either living or dead, would you say has influenced you the most? 

No. 1    Carrot Top
No. 2    Abraham Lincoln
No. 3    Pee Wee Herman
No. 4    Big Bird

                 (*BONUS ANSWER:   Jack Benny.       Though not available during our interview session, Dickey the Peap got wind of this one and adamantly chose Benny because of Benny's frugal comedy routine.  None of us have the heart to inform the Peap that it was all an act.)      

There you have it.  An "inside look" of the mindset and answers of our staff to the most basic of questions. Accuracy was certainly not the goal in this exercise; completion was.  And those answers, dear reader, like most internet passwords, are close enough.

This one could be the tipping point

One of our fellow bloggers ( Fierce, over at "The Life and Times",) recently "tagged" us here at FTI.  Tagging is an invitation, not unlike a chain letter,  in which the blog in question  is requested  to keep a string of answers to various questions going and to follow through on the request of the tag.  When sent to me via e-mail, I regularly ignore and delete  e-mail chains.   This one, however, is different.  In this case, it is not about the angels whom will bring you good luck, the feel good story of the day, a free copy of Windows 7, or a surprise money bequeathment within 3 days we will receive if we keep the chain going.  There is no implied threat of disaster if we don't play along.  No starving children are going to suffer any more if we don't answer the questions.  It's just a fun revealing of thought and answers to innocent questions.  In this case, it's about 8 different answers.     And THAT  has me worried.

Our staff has been assembled due to their inability to clearly and cogently answer the most basic of questions.  (That way, we can isolate the lower level thinkers in society and not worry that they may actually influence meaningful decisions made elsewhere.) To think that this team of misfits and losers will be able to compile a list based on their personal preferences to the most basic of questions is, at best wishful, and at least, a waste of time.  Does one actually think that Gummo the Balloon Boy, for example, would  have answers to such rudimentary questions of "What TV shows do I watch?", "What Have I learned from the past?", or "What do I want or need?" that anyone cared to learn.  I think not.  As a result, I will have to tailor the category questions to the ability of our staff and submit them to our 2 faithful readers later in the week for review. 

I will submit this subject to the agenda for this week's staff meeting and relay the results.  The agenda is already jam packed with a number of key subjects including a presentation by the FTI Medical staff addressing "Safe Earwax Removal", and one by the  IT department (the most reviled department here at FTI) concerning our pending upgrade to Windows 95.   Hopefully, I can get this issue on the docket immediately. 

It's playoff Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's playoff Sunday,  Commando Barney has been waiting all week for this day!  As our unofficial "enforcer" here at FTI, if the Big Boy ain't thinkin', nobody a thinkin'.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Maybe he should get a 2nd opinion

The FTI thinking model is based on total participation by all of our members.   Each of them contributes a small piece of idiocy, that based on their individual merits, are meaningless and of no total value, whatsoever.  Together however, when we are at full strength and all members are back in place, some semblance of an overall image begins to emerge that makes one think, "My God, this is pathetic.  I thought that circus sideshows went away in the '30's". 

I was in communication with Dickey the Peap yesterday.  I note that Dickey had been MIA for approximately the past week as his normal fiscally impaired, "will you take less?", alligator-like armed observations and perspectives had not been submitted.  It turns out that Dickey has had a medical experience that has left him incapacitated.  I was informed that Dickey had a painful case of the shingles that resulted in his absence for the past week.  Shingles is a disease related to the chicken pox virus that lies dormant in your body from childhood.  It usually manifests itself in a painful rash anywhere on the body, but commonly strikes the torso area.   If you have ever had chicken pox, you are susceptible to Shingles.  Regardless, I am pleased to announce that after a regimen of anti-viral medications and proper care, he is well on his way to recovery and should be regularly contributing to our efforts in a short while.

While the medical community is fairly certain of the root cause of Shingles and it's development, there is a great deal of unknown  about how the virus is reactivated after having lying dormant in the body over an extended period of time. I immediately assigned our staff the task of researching this disease and to hypothesize some possible scenarios.  In no particular order, they postulated that:

1) This was God's revenge for denying his ban on obviously repeated self-stimulation;
2) It's really just a case of recurring athlete's foot Dickey has had since swimming in the pool during this summer's Staff picnic;
3)  It's probably a rash caused by holding his elbows so close to his body while attempting to reach for the check after dinner.

At first review, I thought these answers were typical of the odd behavior and thought processes of our staff.  Upon further review, I'm not so sure they may be on to something here. 

Jukebox: This was one of Grandpa's VH1 choices

Healthcare I can believe in

In order to spur the freshest, innovative, and most illuminating type of thinking generated from the  FTI staff and affiliates,  I insist upon the best resources for their use.   Pencils, walkmen, Commodore 64 computers.  All of it.  We scour the world (including Overstock.com) to find the best for our people; after all,  they are our number 1 asset.    Unfortunately, the cheap assed-Board of Directors do not share my commitment in regard to medical care. Our medical staff is among the finest, unfortunately, they are not given the resources to do much more than aid the errant paper cut suffered by the staff.  For more meaningful care I have to go outside of the  FTI network. 

I went for my annual physical yesterday with a new doctor.  The standard poking, prodding, listening to my chest, etc. were involved.  (I'll pass on the cheap bit about falling in love with the guy's gloved index finger.  C'mon, it's part of the  exam.  Grow up.)  The exam was going well  and he noted no discernible items of worry.  The exam took an ominous turn however, when  he asked what I did for a living.   I described my position here as Executive Director of FTI and the associated duties I am expected to accomplish.  He seemed surprised, yet interested, and asked increasingly familiar questions about FTI.  It became obvious as we conversed that he head heard of  the  work, policy analysis, and the interpretations we produce on a regular basis.   During our conversation, I noticed he discretely pushed a yellow button on the wall intercom system within the office.  Within 60 seconds, 2 large burly attendants rushed the room and I was immediately restrained and given a quick injection for, as he put it, "my own safety".    Apparently, as we had been conversing earlier, while discussing my earlier immunization schedule, he noted a lapse in one key preventive tool:  I hadn't received my anti-idiot booster.

I am pleased to report I am now updated and immune from any of the contaminated thinking produced by our staff.  I feel better already.

This isn't exactly "Law and Order"

I recently was the victim of a written vitriolic barrage authored by the Green Comic on his Facebook page that is the cause of some concern and would threaten our future ability to discipline the staff  here at the Institute.  The Green Comic did not care for some innocuous suggestions I made on his Facebook page and launched into a profanity laced tirade of written insults directed toward me ending with a sexually themed suggestion that is forbidden in the Bible and deemed illegal in most localities.  As a result, I immediately  suspended him from any future FTI activity  for engaging in official misconduct, insubordination, and over-all stupidity.  As this is a second time offense for the Green Comic,  he was recently subject to an official FTI  Board of Reprimand by his peers here at the Institute.  Allow me to retell the results.   

In most jurisdictions and under normal circumstances, the facts would be presented, a determination would be reached, and an appropriate punishment would be meted out.   Our difficulty lies in the fact that the peers of the Green Comic are exactly that; equals, similar, alike.  They don't have the ability to ascertain what is acceptable, appropriate, or reasonable.  As a result, the Green Comic  chose to have his defense overseen by Rat Bastard G, I represented the prosecution on behalf of FTI,  and the entire proceeding was overseen by Gummo, the Balloon Boy.   Both sides laid out our cases, the Rat Bastard suggesting that the Green Comic simply may have mistakenly mixed his medications on the day in question; I painstakingly detailing the anatomically impossible act he suggested I perform.  Surprisingly, the ruling was made in a swift manner.  Ultimately, Gummo, the Balloon Boy ruled in favor of the Green Comic and found him innocent of all charges.  Though not happy with the outcome and certainly wanting a harsher punishment, in the interests of justice,  I chose not to appeal  the verdict. I shouldn't have been surprised by the ruling.  The judge's reasoning is why these losers are on the FTI staff in the first place.  The reason: mental defect.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.
We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Another One For The Trophy Case

At first glance, the appearance of our structure  here at FTI can sometimes be mistaken for a rag-tag, disorganized,  piece-meal organization populated by a collection of losers, rejects, and  numb-o's with little to no ability.    Though this is closer to reality than not, I do feel we have instilled some type of pride and level of competence that, as described in the "Tell Us What You Want Us To Ponder" sidebar, has qualified our group to be known as "near-award winning".   This description was recently verified upon notification that a select group of representatives of FTI had placed at a recent "Deep Thinking" competition.  The competition was tough, the quandary's were complex, the scenarios near impossible.   Our representatives were up to the challenge, though.  They competed against some of the brightest and best 9 year olds in the region on a head to head basis.   Anxiously awaiting the notification, we received word yesterday that TEAM FTI had finished 6th in the Lightweight Division.  


It is a significant milestone for our team and I share this award with our 2 faithful readers as a sign that you are not wasting your time here on a daily basis.  There is, indeed, intellectual merit occurring at this site.  We have the award to prove it.  I have not notified our staff that all finishing 6 places were recognized for achievement.  Why create confusion?

Jukebox: My thoughts in relation to our staff

Hell hath no fury............

Our HR team has flagged this woman as a potential affilliate for us here at FTI. It seems if she were smart enough and devious enough to go to this much effort, imagine what she could accomplish if we told her about the practices of the guys over at AutosDirectOnline.

Customer care, may indeed, be seen in a whole different light.

I'm on my popcorn break

We at autosdirectonline would certainly never engage in these type of practices. We promise.

It's Rollback Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Rollback Sunday.  Today starts a week of posts themed around the incompetence of our newest idiot corporate affiliate, AutosDirectOnline of Cleveland, Ohio.  We're going to swing the FTI  idiot light  (get it?)on these guys  to highlight some of their business practices.    The staff is out today washing  cars in the snow, so, we haven't had much time for thinking. 

We're glad you're here, though. Unlike AutosDirectOnline of Cleveland, Ohio, we have full disclosure policies of which we inform our readers here at FTI.      No waiting in the service areas, no lost keys, no 4 hour marathon negotiations.  Take a look here , go ahead, and re-drive a couple  of our past columns.   See if you missed anything that we have previously attempted to represent as roadworthy from the past.  If you do happen to find something not completely roadworthy, hey, tough luck.  You read it. 

See you tomorrow.

If we could show you a way...........

As noted in the "About Me" section to the right, our normal duties here at FTI are to offer our perspective on various topics and to also help readers by having our near-award winning team analyze various scenarios. In meeting that goal, the upcoming week will feature our organization's analysis of a fellow blogger's experiences in purchasing a used vehicle. We hope to offer comparisons and simile's in our daily experiences with this single act. 

As opposed to most topics displayed here, for once, we actually  may know what the hell we are talking about. One of our staff members includes a "pre-owned vehicle counselor".  His placement file upon arrival here at FTI  included the notations of "highly experienced with adverse customer negotiations", "possesses extensive conversational evasion and confusion practices" and unfortunately, "mastery of memory erasure and commitment deniability".  This last skill is troublesome as the preparation for this skillset required short bursts of high energy electronic pulses to be aimed at the lower earlobe of the individual.  During the treatment, however, the technician administering the treatment inadvertently spilled a cup of coffee and  directed the pulse wave through the ear of our member, rendering him as a priority placement candidate here at FTI.  His worth has been invaluable however, as he is a perfect test mechanism when we perform our weekly routine maintenance of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe.   We question this individual on a variety of subjects, record his truthfullness, and then use these results as an opposite baseline to calibrate our device.  To date, the Truthometer Deluxe has performed flawlessly, thanks to this simple fine tuning. 

So we'll get after it, starting Monday.  In the meantime, the restrooms are down the hall, here's a balloon for the kids, some stale popcorn is over by the service area, and it shouldn't be much longer.  We really do value your business.   

  

Jukebox: For my Friend, Nancy

Understood in all Languages

The recent effort by the cheap-assed Board of Directors to "raise our level of exposure" here at FTI has taken another twist.  A member of our Board directed the MIS staff (a subsection of the FTI IT Department, the most reviled department here at FTI)  to study and make an analysis of our readership to glean some statistics for further review. 

One trend  found  is our steadily increasing viewing by foreign readers outside of the US, particularly  Southeast Asia.  As evidenced by our Flag Counter feature on the side of this blog, one can easily ascertain the location of viewers.  The Board member inquired into the ease and effort needed to translate our site into the native languages of those readers. 

At the risk of further damaging  the perception of the US and Americans, in particular, I cannot understand the desire to inflict further humiliation on the residents of these areas any further.   These people do not need to get to know about our slack-jawed staff. Why further damage US interests in this part of the world?

I understand that civil punishment in this part of the world is usually of a public nature to discourage others from engaging in the offending behavior.  The offending party is paraded through the street for display to foster shame and embarrassment.  Should this type of  event ever involve our staff,  the results would be counter-productive: the only emotions generated would be sympathy and pity.  The people would know who is suffering daily.   Me.       

You pay extra for THIS??

Our 2 regular  loyal readers are aware that my various duties here at the Institute are far and wide ranging.  Among those responsibilities are my oversight of the  FTI motorpool.  After consultation with our independent mechanic and running various "what-if" scenarios through  the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe,  I  decided to  replace the FTI CRAP vehicle   and did so this past weekend.    Our needs were very specific:  safety, fuel economy, visibility, and ability to keep the misfits secure when loaning them out as attractions to  various circus sideshows during the summer.

As you may remember, I was  entertaining the idea of a retired police cruiser as this would be a familiar sight to the majority of our staff.  Ultimately, however I decided on a new  SUV manufactured by Ford that is a bit smaller and less of an affront to society than we have previously enjoyed.  It came delivered with a  host of features, many of which I have no idea how to use.  In particular,   the vehicle has a feature that I find a bit troublesome: a bluetooth device that I can synchronize to my personal cell phone.  Working with our IT department, the most reviled department here at FTI, I am now beginning to understand the features of this device and also why computer geeks band together:  they speak in tongues.  Regardless,  the problem is that after pairing the cell phone and this device, I now have the car speaking to me and actually asking me if I want to place a phone call to any one of the misfits.  The fact that I now have to deal with this type of experience in the one place where I can actually find refuge during the day is scary.  It is a bit disconcerting to have an electronic voice robotically announce  "Calling Freako Deako" or "Calling Dickey the Peap;  Work or home?" when I think I am finally done babysitting the Doofus Squad at the end of the day. 

I am planning on taking the vehicle back to the dealer to adjust the various things I find unacceptable after 30 days.   This is definitely one of them.

Do you really think so?

It "might be indicative of a larger issue".  No truer words were spoken by a government official. 

My recent jihad against American Airlines has finally made someone wake up at the FAA.  Though I can't take credit for this latest decision for added oversight, the new scrutiny over landings should extend to other areas of this airline's operations as well.

Do you think I am still a little exercised over this one?

Hangover? No, this is how they always think

Hey c'mon, it's New Years Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the fact that I gave them this weekend off.   

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The misfits are scheduled to be returning this evening to start the brand new year tomorrow.  See you then. 

Day 1, Threat 1

It's barely the New Year and already the lunacy begins.  Yesterday's Jukebox choice symbolized (and I quote, "It's only the Beginning,  it's only just a start) the launch of a beginning, the first step, the commencement of a new chapter here at FTI.   Ominously, an event occurred that is not a positive first one.   Gummo, the Balloon Boy, has threatened the Institute, and me personally, with legal action for invasion of privacy.  I find this threat meaningless, groundless, pointless,  (EDITOR'S NOTE: The author included 5 other words ending in -less that  have been removed due to space considerations)  without any merit, and moreover, the actions of an (EDITOR'S NOTE 2: the term "assclown" is unknown to any of us.   For the sake of further potential legal action, it too, has been omitted). 

The alert reader will refer to our earlier post of 2 days ago of Baby New Year 2010.  I posted a picture of Baby New Year to signify the re-birth, the hope, and the potential of the coming year.  I do admit that the face of baby New Year is that of Gummo in his early years, but, would only be recognizable to the rest of our staff and affiliates.   Certainly, the 2 faithful readers we retain would not recognize this individual today.    Gummo countered, however, that the posting  had caused him embarrassment, shame, and ridicule, and was threatening to pursue damages against us.  The FTI legal team determined  that the standard of judgment is what a "normal" person whom knew  Gummo would ascertain from the image.  I am pleased to announce that those people,  in no uncertain way, would confuse him with potential or hope.  After all,  that is why he is on our staff. 

One day in and this is what I get.  Oh, the joy.   

Jukebox: And the start of a new decade