Ok, I'm glad you know

I encountered a sales technique yesterday that I am thinking about employing here at FTI.

Relaying back to our earlier purchase of the replacement FTI CRAP Vehicle, our 2 faithful readers will recall the various features on the vehicle. My 6 month trial subscription to Sirius satellite radio was about to expire yesterday and I called them to inquire about renewing. Having reached the "next available Sirius satellite counselor", I was pleasantly informed that I had made a great decision in calling and deciding to renew my subscription and was asked my name and account number. I immediately identified myself as the Executive Director here at FTI and pointed out that I was merely calling to inquire of the various pricing packages available to me. (Stealing a page from Dickie the Peap's favorite book, "The Tightwad Chronicles", I informed the counselor that money was tight, I was disabled, and inquired if there were any senior discounts available.) Though none of these ploys worked, I was informed of my ability to receive the 3 year package including all Sirius stations for $349 payable in 5 easy installments and that they would need just a little bit of information to complete the process. The people at Sirius know how to sell. They are selling something that they immediately assume you want.

This technique is known in the sales world as "The Assumptive Close"; it is assumed you are calling to buy anyway, so, lets just get on our way and we will both be done. It is actually very effective because most people can't say the word "No". I had this problem previously, but, have now recognized it and plan to deal with it accordingly. Unfortunately, the damage has been done. Had I been able to say NO while negotiating with our state Attorney General, I wouldn't be at this rinky dink Institute. Had I been able to say NO, I wouldn't be overseeing this band of losers; had I been able to say NO, instead of our given name as the Flatline Thinking Institute, FTI wouldn't be anonymously referred to as Fatheads, 'Tards, and Idiots.


From now on I will just assume that people know our plight.

Is Elvis on staff?

I received a call yesterday from a writer who wants to do a portrayal story of the Institute and me for an article in an upcoming edition of Mental Monthly. Supposedly it would be a piece on how our work here at FTI has been a positive influence on the Misfits, how our help has enriched their lives, and how our unique perspective is actually a benefit to the community at large. As I am unfamiliar with that publication and unsure of the ramifications of such an interview, I told the writer I would have to discuss it with our FTI Board and get back to him.

The cheap-assed Board of Directors are very excited and think I should go through with the profile. The added exposure, heightened awareness, positive PR, etc., etc.; yeah, yeah, I have heard it all before. In my research, however, I have found some issues that make me a bit hesitant. Mental Monthly is actually referred to in the trade as Moron's Almanac due to it's strange coincidental similarities to the old World Weekly tabloid. The writer who contacted me is, in fact, a former managing editor to the old World Weekly tabloid and once stated, " If someone calls me up and says their toaster is talking to them, I don't refer them to professional help, I say, 'Put the toaster on the phone'. This same publication also profiled a cruel surgeon who re-attached a pair of conjoined twins after they failed to pay their medical bill for the initial surgical separation he performed. I'm just not sure I want to expose my reputation to this type of analysis.

One thing is certain, though. These same people know all about BatBoy. No wonder they are interested in learning about Gummo, the Balloon Boy.

Idiots. They're everywhere.

The cheap-assed Board of Directors have instructed me to investigate the possibility of a worldwide outreach program. The goal would be to find other circumstances where our services and type of thinking would be applied. In preparation, I decided I needed to try to recruit some individuals with a foreign perspective that may be of use to us. Needless to say, I didn't have to look very far to find an example:

A drunk driver trapped after overturning his car cracked open another can of beer while he waited for emergency crews to rescue him, a New Zealand court was told.

Police found the man trapped in his overturned Ford Laser on June 1, drinking a can of beer after he failed to take a corner properly and crashed through a wooden barrier, flipping his vehicle.

Authorities said the man found he could not open the doors, realized "he had nothing else to do at that point, so he had another beer."

Though there is certainly nothing funny about drunk driving, we here at FTI do take solace in knowing that a foreign exchange program involving our group of idiots with other idiots worldwide is not an unrealistic goal.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

What exactly is heating up again?

RSVP's for our upcoming FTI Summer pledge drive had been noticeably slow until it was disclosed that former VP Al Gore has been invited as our keynote speaker. Our hope now is that this escapade may actually highlight the idiocy we toil under and actually help people make guilt contributions.

Mr. Gore ran into a little problem recently and here is the Taiwanese interpretation of what may have happened. Believe me, no one here at FTI is smart enough to come up with this type of stuff.

Jukebox:........Feel like I was born to lose

Well, your skills appear to be transferrable

I currently am traveling out of town on non-Institute business and have left the Institute unmanned. Giacommo is a capable assistant, but, unfortunately granted himself an unauthorized leave of absence and, as a result, we have no reliable leadership managing the Misfits.

This entire incident actually highlights a problem I didn't realize we still suffer. Our planning for leadership succession via a written proficiency test or drawing straws has been previously studied. However, chain of command protocol demands that someone of an authority figure be on premises at all times.

We recently did receive an application for employment from a zookeeper whom had been downsized at his previous place of employment. I'm not sure that he wouldn't leave at the first opportunity to get back into that particular field when an opening came available. He did, however, have an enduring quality that captured my eye while reviewing his application. He offered to bring his own nets.

A look forward

I received my yearly Social Security projection statement in the mail yesterday and it is a bit surprising. Though I am close to 2 decades away from even thinking about retirement, it gives me a glimpse of the type of monthly income I can expect to receive when I actually do retire. Putting aside all of the political rhetoric as to where to place blame for the whole Social Security fiasco (and adhering to the official FTI political party line that all elected bastards are liars), I do wonder about my financial future.

As our 2 frequent readers know, ours is a non-profit venture; I receive no direct compensation from the Institute for my efforts here. The state does send a small monthly caretaker stipend in return for my supervision of the Misfits, however. Our steadfast refusal to display any pennies-per-click ads in our area of cyberspace prevent us from collecting a little bit of extra dough, so, basically, I rely on my real job, Mrs. Kfred's part time income, and the belief that Dickie the Peap actually is loaded to such a degree any "crumbs" I happen to pick-up in his wake may well sustain me. Gummo, the Balloon Boy, and the Rat Bastard G have their own special needs and though Gummo has me designated in his will to acquire his bicycle upon his demise, the actual pawn shop value would be no more than perhaps $15. Not exactly big money.

When I retire, I want to have the freedom to go places without worries of money. Throwing all caution to the wind and abandoning the rock solid values I have practiced for years, I am seriously considering making a dramatic life changing financial move: The RV pictured above can be purchased for a song. Due to the current economic crisis, the owner is forced to part with it for pennies on the dollar. I think it would look great, with Gummo's bike on the top and the bumper sticker: "We're spending the FTI endowment fund."

I can always use this

Father's Day was yesterday. I really don't need a day set aside to be honored by my sons, but hey, if society is going to have one, I will be there. It was sort of drizzly and wet outside; not, the sun soaked type of day you see in the ads where "Dad" is posing on the golf course in his new knit golf shirt. I didn't do anything special, and yet, it was a fantastic day.

Kfred Jr's 1 and 2 are both amazing men. Both are like me, but Thank God, are not me. They have some tendencies in their own personalities, political views, preferences, and habits that I don't agree with, and yet, I wouldn't change for a minute. I want them to be them. Recently married Kfred Jr 1 is beginning his 3rd month of married life and I am confident will be a successful husband. He is caring, attentive, and mindful of his new wife, Goldilocks. They will be fine. Kfred Jr 2 is home for a few weeks and is beginning his final year at West Point this fall. He is decisive, highly principled, and hard working. Just the type of personality that tomorrow's society will want leading our armed forces. Both are smart, quick witted, and have a sarcastic edge to their humor. (Credit to Mrs. Kfred on these traits.)

One of the neighbors came over and mentioned her husband was a bit down. She said she suspected that he was a bit miffed that neither of their sons had acknowledged his recent birthday or even called to wish their Dad a Happy Fathers day yesterday. He said it was ok, and surmised they were busy, they had a family, they might be out of town, etc. but, she could tell it bothered him a bit. I felt bad. Both of my guys told me I was the best Dad in the world and each told me they loved me. No shirts, no barbeque tools, no neckties, no power drills. They loved me.

Man, what a great Day.

It's Reduce and Reuse Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.


The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Jukebox: the June Anthem

Let's see..the cosine of pi divided by an integer greater than 0

Well, for better or worse, our launch is complete. The new FTI page is now up and running with our new, sophisticated, smart, " hipper" look.

Reviewed after downing a couple of beers and without any feedback provided by our 2 regular readers, I approved the look as recommended by our new page committee and implemented by the idiot FTI IT department. The background image tends to suggest that we actually do some type of complex calculations on a constant basis and develop our inspirational thinking from the solutions of the problems displayed. In fact, these scribblings are actually nothing more than our attempt in determining the amount of dollars Dickie the Peap has squirreled away over the years as a result of being born with the alligator-arm syndrome. To date, the solution has evaded us, but, our best guess is characterized as an amount approaching a quantity best described as a "shit-load." On a diagnosis basis, none of us here at FTI has ever heard of someone whom is pleased for being handicapped, but, based on his personal net worth, The Peap-ed one is delighted. If there ever was a case of "making lemonade when life hands you lemons", this is it.


In closing, it is hoped that our newer, cleaner, crisper graphics will aid you, our 2 faithful readers, as you follow the chronicles of the FTI Misfits. To those random readers whom mistakenly stumbled to our corner of cyberspace, I apologize for exposing you to our embarrassment. It is kind of cool looking though, huh?

Flag Day + 2

Today is Flag Day + 2, which is the way that I keep track of and wish a Happy Birthday to, my very good Friend, the Rat Bastard G.

I have known the Rat Bastard for nearly 33 years, when we both started working in the same restaurant. (He likes to brag that I taught him how to cook and he taught me how to drink.) There was one period deemed the "lost years" when we lost track of each other for a while, but, after re-connecting we have followed each other ever since through moves, relationship changes, loss of parents, etc. From drunken snowball fights, to "man-cations" in Las Vegas, to simultaneously spoken punch lines to the same jokes we have told since 1977, we still enjoy each other's humor and outlook of the world. Time truly has stood still over all of those years as we do act like a couple of 17 year olds to this day when we get together. Though miles separate each of us, we easily speak 3 times or more nearly every day to trade insults, insights, and trivia that we know the other would be interested in. Amazingly enough, during those 33 years, we have only had one incident that ever caused some harsh words and even then, it really didn't amount to much: I had asked the Rat Bastard to help me move a piano at a particular time. After waiting 45 minutes past the appointed time, I got pretty angry and called another friend and we got it moved. The Bastard G showed up a few minutes later and explained he had been tied up looking for a friend's missing daughter whom was missing while on an outing. All of this occurred before the advent of cellular phones and text messaging, so instant communication was not possible. Anyways, after a couple of heated words on both sides and a screeching of departing tires, it looked like the end of a long time friendship. Fortunately, Mrs Kfred intervened and pointed out my long association through, fun times with, and remaining outstanding loans to, the Bastard and perhaps I should soften my stance. (OK. I made up that part about the loans.) 45 minutes later, we were drinking beer together and lying to one another all over again.

As my dear departed Mother used to say, "He's such a handsome young man". And the rest, as they say, is history.

Happy Birthday, Partner.

I thought it was a reference site

Following extensive research, negotiations, analysis, and, yes I am not afraid to admit it, tears on some of our committee members part, a consensus has been reached concerning the new FTI page "look". Currently in beta testing (I just learned that term from one of our IT geeks yesterday), it is scheduled for formal launch this coming Thursday.

The difficulty in reaching a final decision is that a couple of our committee members were steadfast in their resolve to include some reader friendly attributes I felt did not match the sophistication and attract the type of reader we wish to engage. For example, a background of unicorns and rainbows might detract from the decisive, insightful, observations and declarations made here on a daily basis. Interestingly, one faction wanted to alter our page look by actually shifting our entire emphasis to a more narrowed focus type of website. Upon review of the example submitted, I immediately rejected this notion, but, did note this page's creator/host as a highly qualified candidate to join the rest of our Weirdo's, Whackos, and Misfits. I have also recommended that, should he accept our offer of membership, our policy of requiring all candidates to undergo an entrance exam measuring idiocy and odd behavior be waived as this would be a foregone conclusion.

So, only two more days until our new look. The idiot IT department (easily, the most reviled department here at FTI), had better not screw up on this one. Over the past 10+ months, we have experienced enough embarrassment, ridicule, and failure due to the look and feel of our web presence that simply is no longer acceptable. After all , it certainly could not be due to the type of content.

Be aware of Counterfeit Tickets

Steel Wheels. Blond Ambition. Victory.

What do these terms all signify? They are names of highly successful multi-city tours of rock acts (The Rolling Stones, Madonna, and Michael Jackson) staged for millions of people in one season. Thinking along those same lines, the FTI promotions Department has tentatively announced our Summer '10 touring schedule.

Recognizing the logistical limitations of staging such events and attempting to adhere to the geographical limitations as conditions of probation for a couple of our members, the promotions team has tied up a few dates for the total "FTI Experience on the Road". Actual performances by specific Misfits will be determined on the day of shows based on the visiting schedule of local magistrates, but, suffice to say, most people will probably end up disappointed. One major hurdle involved in this type of undertaking is the repeated dismantling and re-assembly of our 1950's model Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe. Heavy use since it's recent restoration has taxed several key components and replacement parts are not easily obtained. Regardless, we are investigating different ways to bring it on tour with us.

Confirmed dates include:

1. Spokane July 30 and 31
2. New York City August 21 through the 25th
3. Muskogee (tentative September date)

Our schedule is based on the geographic distances between the various cities involved and the relative indifference and interest of the local population. Additional cities and dates will be announced as soon as the level of apathy is determined.

It's Renovation Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We're also in the middle of playing with some scenarios for our new look. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

You can put lipstick on a pig and it still looks.........

The FTI IT department (the most reviled department here at FTI) recently took a break from battling the evil doers of Zoltar 7 to actually review this site and to offer some tips for improvement. One of the suggestions is that perhaps a facelift and new look are in due in order to make our site "bold". Relevant. Exciting.

Immediately recognizing the medical emergency that the team had been consuming too many Red Bull and Vodka's (Ride the Wave!), I called the FTI infirmary to arrange an immediate triage and evaluation session. Rushed to our state-of-the-art FTI medical facility, once the tub of leaches and reclaimed scalpels were cleared out of the way, it was determined that the staff were, in fact, not drunk, but rather deemed within the normal range of their cognitive abilities.

Among the suggestions made were various page elements I feel would have no appeal to our 2 valued readers including: 1) a real time 24-hour "Gummo-cam" trained on Gummo, The Balloon Boy all of the time; 2) a "Guess the Amount" contest to determine the dollar value of free meals consumed by Dickie the Peap at someone else's expense in one month's time; 3) an "Executive Director's Boredom Meter", capturing the number of yawns I experience while attending our weekly staff meeting. Though all would have some merit, I feel the scope of interest to be too narrow that would justify a new page makeover.

Regardless, I have considered the idea and plan to relaunch our new look sometime next week. As tomorrow is Green Sunday, we can explore some various scenarios and determine what would be appropriate. My goal is that it does not look like this.

Jukebox: Yeah, like 23 out of the last 26 days

Now, thats a goal to pursue

I have become surprised at the recent erratic behavior of one of our own, The Green Comic. Green's increasingly, belligerent, and idiotic behavior has been strikingly out of character. I finally sat him down to discuss what was going on in his personal life to justify his attitude.

Sadly, Green read about this woman and has decided to emulate her in the category of stupidity. Based on our population, the judges will have a tough time determining the champion.

They call it Poker Ego

I like to gamble a little. I'm not here to convince you of the merits or discuss the moral implications of gambling. It's just something I enjoy once in a while. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose (Sorry about the WAMU stock, dear). Whether playing the stock market or $15 hands of 21, I do enjoy the action.

I am currently involved in a legal dispute where the stakes are rapidly increasing. Once the case is over, I will reveal the details, but suffice to say, the stakes are fairly high. Anyways, I was watching TV the other night and came across some Poker. I play very little poker. It's a moderately easy game to play, but, like anything else, notoriously hard to master. The guys you see on TV with their designer sunglasses, stoic faces, and colorful personalities look like regular people, but, they are professionals. Since my involvement with this case over the last few months, I have discovered two simple poker strategies that can also apply to life:

1) You don't make money in poker by trying to win the most. You make money by trying to lose the least;

2) It's better to get bluffed and fold than to make a bad call and lose your whole stack.

Over time, I think I have come out on the winning side when I gamble; nothing significant, but still ahead. I have a pretty good handle on my skill level and defer when I am overmatched. I only bet what I am comfortable with losing and, of course, am prepared to lose. While playing poker, I use a personal gambling strategy that is pretty simple: When I consider the cards already showing and have studied the other player's habits, I can make a reasonable determination of the odds of the value of the remaining cards. At this point, I see the cards already played and have observed the other player for a long time. I like my odds right now.

I'll see that bet and raise.

C'mon. Follow us.

The entire FTI concept and premise is that we exist to help society by relaying the antics and thoughts of the Misfits in order to help the normal population avoid ever becoming a pseudo-Misfit. In other words, we do this for your own safety and well being. We also do this at no direct charge to our 2 faithful readers. We have no membership fee to be a part of our organization and publish no ads on our website.

I recently stumbled across "The Automated Growth & Money Making System" via Twitter. It is a pitch to employ this guy's system in order to increase your "Raving Fans", "Follower's", and "Friends" so they will eventually buy things from you. All of these great benefits for a one time fee of only $47! The kicker is that one of the testimonials about the system is from a commenter whom noted that he had previously been charging his clients "$100's a month" to deliver what this guy was now doing for a one time fee of $47. And this commenter is a supporter of this system!! Now, it seems to me if you have been collecting "$100's a month" and someone can do the same things for your customers for only a one time fee of $47, you would not be a supporter; you should be a death-sworn enemy. A rival.

Our repeated inquiries for more information of this system were met with cold silence and bounced back emails. Apparently, our reading demographic (save our 2 faithful readers), is not of the type that this system wishes to be associated, nor, would it work. After all who wants to be a follower of the Rat Bastard G or any of the rest of the Misfits? They are already lost.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.


The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then

Was it this way for Noah?

The FTI facility is located in a temperate area where we have frequent rainfall. Today is the first day in 20 that we are not scheduled to have any measurable rainfall. This will be a perfect day to get outdoors and help the FTI Beautification team get the compound grounds back into shape.

Today also marks the suspension of my plans to build the FTI Ark. I truly was convinced an event of biblical proportions was about to happen as this damn rain simply will not let up. The Misfits have become increasingly concerned about their ability to get outside an splash about. When I requested the FTI engineering department to submit some design suggestions for a seaworthy vessel, I was to say the least, not overly optimistic. Headed by Dickie the Peap, our engineering department is noted for the strength, ruggedness, budget overruns, and time wasted during construction of it's engineered marvels. I specifically noted these traits in my request to them and pointed out I only wanted the first two as features of the design. 2 hours later, I received their working model: 2 old pallets lashed atop 4 discarded tires found along the interstate highway and covered by a couple of black Hefty garbage bags to act as cover. With today's sunrise, I have had additional time to consider the design (and initial idea) and have abandoned the entire notion for the time being.

I don't think the idea of an FTI Ark is without merit. Rain is scheduled to return next week, again. In my mind, the work "Ark" suggests 2 concepts: 1) a vessel of safety in an epic rainstorm; and 2) a vehicle to house pairs of all species to be preserved. As the reluctant Executive Director of FTI, my primary concern is for the attainment of the first one. The Misfits can get some inner tubes.

Jukebox: Kind of sounds like today, huh?

Hello caller, you're on the air.

I read this news story this morning and it kind of reminds me of the circular logic that occurs here at FTI:

Police in Iowa City said a man who called them to report that he'd been punched while on the Iowa City pedestrian mall, was punched again by a second person while he was on the phone with his 911 call.

Police said the man told 911 dispatchers early Tuesday morning that he had just been assaulted and was following the person who did it. Then, while he was speaking with officers, a friend of the original assailant punched the man and knocked him to the ground.

In dealing with the various Misfits, sometimes immediately after I have solved one of the crises involving them, another one comes up and "sucker punches" me with more stupidity. Like a boxer waiting for the bell to ring, sometimes you just hope to stagger to your own corner and be able to regroup to try again. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Let's jump rope instead

I had a chance to reflect over the 3 day weekend and realized that part of the lingering malaise associated with FTI is a lack of a purpose; a greater good, a sense of what are we here for. Oh sure, our primary duty to offer policy, analysis, and observations will never be abandoned; it's what we have built our legacy upon and admittedly, to date, we have mostly missed that mark. The true target, though, can never be forgotten. And that's where my position as Executive Director becomes accountable. I need to spur our team to greater heights when they offer their mental contributions on a daily basis.

I happened upon the closeout bin in a store that offered some motivational items marked down for clearance. Thumbing through the usual photos of rainbows, ripples on a pond, small furry animals, and weeping third degree burns, I just didn't seem to find the poster that would strike the right cord for what I was trying to accomplish. Then, like a bolt of lightning, it struck. I promptly bought the remaining 5 copies and have installed them at strategic locations around the compound to constantly remind the Misfits of the heights they can achieve with little effort. I think you will now see some real purpose happening around here now.

A Big Thank you

Remember these guys.

They have been protecting our right to do this kind of stuff for nearly 250 years.

It's lazy Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.


The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

It's like he was one of our own

Our fleeting passing with fame was sadly was brought to an end. Case in Point: yesterday's sudden death of Gary Coleman has some striking similarities with us here at FTI.

During the breaking of the investigative story surrounding Michael Jackson's death last year and as observed here, Coleman was originally identified as the individual in the hoax video. We later corrected the story to accurately identify Donny Osmond as the person in question, but, still had an odd sense of connection.

Yes, Coleman had financial and legal problems. Yes, his true growth was stunted. Yes, he was misunderstood. At one time Coleman told The New York Times, "I want to escape that legacy of Arnold Jackson. I'm someone more. It would be nice if the world thought of me as something more." We can empathize with this guy. We are always looking for a way to increase our bottom line; we had our own legal dust-up with the Hayward family earlier this year when the Misfits pirated control of this site from me for a few days.

And yes, our intellectual growth is severely stunted as well. I just hope we don't have to send the Misfits out to moonlight as security guards somewhere.

Jukebox: A Cash Alternative

OK, we will waive the speeding part of the ticket

Believe it or not, we do have strenuous background checks on all of the people whom apply here at FTI.

We received this video in opposition of our desire to hire this applicant as my personal driver. I still don't understand what all of the uproar is over. It's just a slight mistake.

Do you get a DVD with your $25 donation?

Planning for our upcoming membership pledge drive continues in full gear. We are using this event as an opportunity to highlight our organization, demonstrate our method of thinking, and hopefully, attract the type of donors whom will be able to sustain our work on a year round basis through their generous contributions.


The scope of this task is actually quite encompassing. We need to have top flight entertainment to attract our target audience, professional and courteous detail to attention while engaging them, and precise execution when following up to retain them as followers. Some of the scheduled entertainment include: The Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe will be on display demonstrating our ability to ferret out the truth; Gummo, the Balloon Boy will be riding his bicycle, Slateface will be conducting a wet weather golfing exhibition, and Dickie the Peap will be displaying that same old, tired nickel, he hoarded from a million years ago.

Upon reflection, perhaps the entertainment portion of the program needs to be reviewed. Our target demographic expects entertainment of a higher level. Our current lineup is better suited to the crowd entertained by toenail clipping displays.

Watch for Falling Objects

We suffered an unfortunate incident resulting in personal injury over the weekend that calls attention to the importance of safety. And the ironic part: the injury was suffered by our Safety Officer.


A community garage sale was conducted by some of the direct neighbors of the FTI compound this past Saturday. Earlier in the spring, we had been considering scheduling our own event to offer analysis and policy discussion. The first FTI "Western Hemisphere Relations Forum /Auto Parts Swap Meet" would have been perfect for both individuals interested in world events and backyard shadetree mechanic issues, but, we soon realized that a number of noted speakers invited to headline the event had not replied with confirmations (or offered auto parts, for that matter) to attract a large enough crowd. Though embarrassment and humiliation are two steady visitors here to FTI, it was felt that perhaps we should reschedule a time for later in the year when the car model changes occur. Anyways, Mrs. Kfred and I went to help the neighbors set up their garage sale. We do not have enough items to hold our own personal garage sale, so, added a few of our items to the neighbor's collection as well. One of our items was a 20 year old 19" Hitachi television still in operating order. I had replaced it as a second TV in the Executive Living area here at FTI and, though working fine, replaced it with a new high definition LCD television earlier this year. The TV is the old cathode ray tube type that easily weighs around 50 pounds. As a result, I balanced it on a 2-wheeled handcart not unlike those used by any deliveryman and wheeled it to the sale site. Upon arriving at the site, I asked where I should place it and was directed by one of the ladies organizing the sale to put it up on a shelf. I tilted the handcart up vertically to grab the TV and place it up on the shelf at the exact same time Mrs.Kfred walked in front of me doing so. Coincidentally, unknown to me, the laws of physics and fate decided to meet at the corner of her big and second toes at that same time and the TV fell over resulting in a painful crunch of the same area. The ensuing crash and scream of pain surprised all of us as Mrs. Kfred was doing all she could to not yell out, "You dumb son-of-a bitch, Holy shit, that hurts!" due to the number of neighbors and earlybird buyers already in attendance. Instead, we had a simple restrained, "Oh, Ow, mmph, God that hurts, I'll be ok". We got her to sit down and inspected the affected area to find that the toenail had been missed and the area of impact was the middle section near the joint of the big and second toes. We got some ice on it immediately to reduce the swelling and for the first 2 hours or so, she sat in the chair collecting money and answering questions.

Upon inspection today, she does have a purple big and second toe without, surprisingly, a whole lot of pain. I felt bad the entire weekend because I know the pain she experienced. I dropped an old framed window on my toe a few years back and that was the most painful experience in my life. Regardless, she seems to be on the mend with little to no lasting impact. She did insist, however on filing an incident report detailing the involved parties, the nature and extent of the injuries, and the future action needed to involve avoiding anything like this in the future. (Somehow, I don't know how withholding sexual relations equates to prevention of this type of injury, but, oh well. OK. I made that part up.)

And the real pisser to this entire story? The damn TV didn't even get a sniff of interest. It's now sitting over at the Goodwill store.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.


The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Jukebox: One Bad Mutha'

Dude, try one of these

This is one of the substances Mrs. Kfred has banned here at FTI.

I suppose the fact that he couldn't see straight for days would turn out to be an inconvenience.

"Vancouver! Vancouver! This is it!"

A pause for a little reflection..........Today marks the 30th anniversary of the eruption of Mount St. Helens. Of all of nature's various displays of it's force and power, a volcanic eruption is one of it's most potent. The title to this post is the last transmission of the scientist monitoring the mountain, David Johnston, made to alert his fellow scientists. Johnston died as a result of the blast.

30 years ago, I was living 300 miles east of the mountain and remember the day vividly. The mountain had been rumbling a few months earlier with periodic small eruptions but nothing that was considered terribly harmful. I thought that I lived far enough away that I would not be impacted in any way. Then early that Sunday morning, a radio bulletin announced that a full eruption was occurring. At the time, people had no idea of what the impact would be on anyone.

From 300 miles away, allow me to describe the events of that day. Darkness came at 3 pm as all of the streetlights lit up, the sky rained ash for 8 hours, auto parts stores were swamped with customers looking for air filters for their vehicles, TV news warned that breathing the abrasive ash would be harmful to your lungs (everyone had cheap face mask filters hanging on the rear view mirrors of their cars the next day and for 3 months after). If you have ever emptied your woodstove or fireplace of the ash and realize the mess in that small firebox area, imagine cleaning the entire surface area of the parking lot of your business, the outdoor tennis court, or your small patio at home. Cars were covered, equipment was covered, anything outdoors had up to 3 inches of the gritty ash; your indoor space had a heavy layer of dust; it was a mess. Trying to hose it down with water simply made a thick mud. Trying to blow it out with a blower just made a blinding cloud. There was only one way to clean it up: with a snow shovel and broom. And it was heavy. Yet, everyone knew that this was a rare occurrence and took it in stride. (I threw away the authentic St Helens ash Mrs. Kfred had saved at the time a couple of years ago. I caught holy hell for that one, but, could still easily replace it today by dumping the remains of a cigarette ash tray in to a jar. Ash is ash.)

Eventually, 57 deaths were attributed to the blast and ensuing damage. At the time, the entire area around the mountain was considered a dead zone. Scientists were worried the area would be barren for the unforeseeable future. Nature, however, (being much wiser than man) had other plans. As shown below in these two pictures, much has changed. The mountain is slowly rebuilding it's dome to once again explode in the future, plants and wildlife flourish, and the entire area is a working laboratory for the scientific community. If you ever get a chance to visit, I encourage you to do so. You simply will not be disappointed.

How about this one. Will it work?

The FTI grounds-keeping crew normally does an exemplary job in keeping the compound appearing neat, clean, and well landscaped. They do this at my direction in order to give visitors the appearance that all is normal here and since "the first impression is the best impression," we won't scare anyone off before we can fully explain what our mission here really consists of. As yesterday was Sunday and the staff is off on that day, it was decided that perhaps a trip to the local nursery to update some of the landscaping features may well be in order. Doubling as both the Safety and Beautification Officer here at FTI, Mrs Kfred ordered encouraged me to tag along and confirm any choices she made. While finishing the shopping, I went and loaded the truck and she went to pay the bill. Here is where she got the true taste of what I experience on a daily basis.

While trying to pay for the plants, she attempted to do so with a prepaid rebate card issued to me from Verizon Wireless after having recently bought a new cellular telephone . One of the enticements of the phone in the first place was that a $100 rebate would be extended to me via a debit card. Presenting it for payment, she was told that the card had no balance left on it and that it was being declined. I had originally given it to her to use when I received it and she knew there was still an approximate $50 balance on it having it used it only once previously, so, was puzzled and embarrassed over the whole incident. She came out to the parking lot and insisted that I call Verizon and complain that they were cheating us, not taking care of the customer, etc. I told here perhaps we should try the card elsewhere just to confirm there was a problem. A stop at the grocery store confirmed that, indeed, the card had a remaining balance and we purchased some groceries with no difficulty whatsoever. Obviously something was wrong. A mistake, an oversight, a screw-up.

This same type of description could be listed in the personal biographies of the staff of our Institute personnel directory. Coincidence? I think not.

It's retread Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.


The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

You mean Best Buy and Victoria's Secret both stock it?

Leave it to one of our own to further advance the cause of technology:

Marv, the Neighbor has been working on a technology concept that he thinks could revolutionize music as we know it. Far be it from me to stealing his thunder. I share with you the recent email he sent me.

Kfred:

I am working on developing a new product I feel may have mass appeal around the globe and plan on offering it to the Apple Corporation. The concept is basically a breast implant that can store and play music. The "iTit" will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. What do you think?

Marv, The Neighbor

Hey, our guys actually do come up with some winners every once in a while.

Jukebox: Some Friday Soul

Maybe we ought to offer membership to the Stork

A new little Misfit is on it's way.

While visiting with the various Misfits yesterday, (which doubles as an opportunity to assess each of their individual progress) I was notified by Slateface that Mrs. Slateface is 6 weeks pregnant and that they are expecting a child in January. This is a particularly happy occasion for all of us here at FTI as Slateface is one of our newest members of the Institute. There had been considerable nay-saying among the rest of our staff that he shouldn't have been holding hands with the Mrs. Slateface in the first place. Regardless, after a quick, thrown-together, 6th grade level of basic biology, the rest of the Misfits were satisfied with the explanation of events leading to this milestone and went about their ways.

I congratulated Slateface, inquired whom the father was, and wished him well on the journey to Fatherhood. I began to advise him of the great joys and responsibilities of Fatherhood; that it was a great journey and that he would enjoy it. He stopped me in mid-sentence and mentioned that he had already been dressed as a priest at a Halloween party years ago and felt this was sufficient experience.

We have extended his scheduled departing date from FTI another 2 years.

A note from our HR department

Though I am Executive Director here at FTI and answer to only one higher authority (Mrs. Kfred), until our long term funding is secure, I have to supplement my income via outside sources. Enter my position as a member of a company complete with all of the related bureaucratic policies and procedures including annual employee evaluations. Realizing the value of such an exercise, I have been thinking of trying to develop a type of performance measurement for our FTI staff as well. It's the details that have got me stuck. My problem with creating the "FTI Yardstick of Excellence" program is that our members are more than 2-1/2 feet short in achievement. Consistently down the line in every category of possible achievement, (comprehension, creativity, initiative, ability to identify basic shapes), our losers are consistently categorized as "Needs Severe Improvement". This is troubling if we are ever to achieve the type of renown and reputation we desire.

Until that time, I will have to be satisfied with the "Exceeds Expectations" rating each one of the Misfits earned in one category: Acts of Stupidity Performed on a Daily Basis.

and Free Entertainment, too

Having witnessed the Cirque de Soleil show last night with Mrs. Kfred, I now realize that we here at FTI are at a serious disadvantage with other deep thinking organizations. Of course, our task is not to juggle, balance, leap, or defy death as the performers in that show exhibit on a daily basis, but rather as noted in our original charter, to "offer policy, analysis, and observations" of life events.

Our upcoming membership pledge drive will be a good test of our group. Realizing that our main goal during this event is to find wealthy benefactors to support our ongoing thinking here at FTI, the entertainment portion of our presentation is going to have to be top class. Let's face it, however; people want and need to be entertained. This means a total revamp or our events scheduled to date. For instance, permitting Gummo the Balloon Boy to tie anatomically correct latex characters might not be appropriate. Having Dickie the Peap guessing the weight of our attendees after asking them to empty their pockets of all items, "including any heavy wallets", is only asking for trouble. Marv the Neighbor offering deep-fried cat snacks probably isn't going to attract the target audience we desire.

The Cirque business model is obviously a highly successful one that we could certainly emulate- to a certain point. I don't think the " Rat Bastard G: Its a State of Mind" t-shirts would sell very well.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.


The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Yeah, but who cleans up after the elephants?

Mrs. Kfred and I are preparing to go to a performance of Cirque du Soleil's Kooza under the Bigtop arena with some friends tomorrow evening. We have seen a couple of their other shows previously and never tire of the performances. It truly is a one of a kind type of show. Among the characters in the show are the Trickster, the King, the Pickpocket, and the Bad Dog. Each of these characters are integral to the show and represent individuals that the main character, the Innocent, encounters on his journey to find his place in the world.

In viewing the advance summary on the show, I have come to realize similarities and actual parallels of my life in dealing with the Misfits as to this show itself. Due to the extreme personality profiles of our Misfits, I can envision our own version performed here at the FTI compound without the high ticket prices and certainly just as entertaining. Easily substituting myself as the Innocent, the coincidences are striking: Gummo, the Balloon Boy could effortlessly play the Idiot, Freako Deako portrays the Nut, Dickie the Peap is hands down the Skinflint, and Kommando Barney is easily cast as a body double for Mr. T. My able bodied assistant, Giacommo, would act as Ringmaster, and also perform a small piece by instructing Crazy to climb a set of stairs, climb into a Vanishing Box, and be gone for the entire rest of the show.

The more I think about this, however, I guess it wouldn't be too feasible. The cheap-assed Board of Directors only authorized the purchase of a 2 man puptent.

Jukebox: Thank God for the Pictures

A rich, rewarding experience awaits you

As part of our ongoing commitment to the community, the cheap-assed Board of Directors have instructed me to explore the possibility of having summer interns placed here at the Institute on a temporary, nonpaid (would you expect anything else?) basis. I have been in contact with the local branches of higher education to offer our facility as a site for placement of young people looking to expand their experience in their various fields of study. To date, we have not received any return calls of interest or inquiry.

Upon reflection, I have been informed by my highly educated assistant, Giacommo, that perhaps our site may not be as desirable as some others for the interns we seek. Competing with the likes of local government, industry, and charitable foundations, our lure and prestige as an organization may not be as great. Accordingly, we have decided to "rebrand" our summary description one could expect to experience as an intern. Something about "Summer at FTI: It's like Costa Rica with Weirdos" doesn't seem to be getting it done.

We're not another "one and done" team

Not only am I the Executive Director here at FTI, but, my duties also include doubling as coach of the FTI Knowledge Bowl Team. Each year a competition is held for various organizations and their associated deep thinkers. As this is our first year of competition, and based on our reputation, the FTI team was granted an automatic berth as a demonstration of compassion, charity, and inclusiveness by the organizers of the event. Based on some of the preliminary questions that were suggested for practice, we may be slated for an early exit. My guess: sometime immediately after the first question of "Welcome. Are you all here?"

The competition itself is twofold: a little friendly rivalry between think-based organizations for bragging rights of intelligence superiority and to offer possible solutions to some of the pressing problems of today. The idea is to collect some of the best and brightest, test them on the needs of society at the moment, and hopefully come up with some alternative solutions. Based on our initial answers to the warm-up question, I have instructed my assistant, Giacommo, to keep the engine warm on the FTI van as I don't think the TEAM FTI representatives will be on the winners podium. Here's the question: "In light of the recent ecological disaster occurring in the Gulf area with the out-of-control gushing oil well, in a simple world, how would you deal with this mess?"


Gummo, the Balloon Boy: "Get some Bounty Towels. It's the quicker picker-upper."

Rat Bastard G: "Dump a tanker-load of Dawn Dish detergent into the ocean. It fights grease and oil."

Marv, the Neighbor: "Is it vegetable or peanut oil?"

Dickie the Peap: "Who else can pay for it?"

Kommando Barney: "Oh, I know this one. The Beatles."


I am seriously thinking of entering our guys into the competitive knitting competition sponsored by the Ladies Aid Society at the local church next month. God help those old bats.

It's Bloomsday Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Bloomsday Sunday (look it up) and Gummo the Balloon Boy should be running today. We're out cheering him on.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

................zzzzzzz.......ha-ha.............

This forum is normally one used to relay and re-tell the experiences in my life and the Misfits associated with it. Usually, the Misfits are not cast in a very flattering light as their abilities are, well, less than noteworthy and not eligible to be used as a point of pride. Today, however is different. I experienced something the other night like no other and want to share it.


Among a human's basic needs are sleep, food, and sex. (As I get older, the order of importance changes, but they still remain the same. We can discuss this later. ) Anyways, while enjoying a deep restful night's sleep, I actually awoke literally laughing. You see, in my dream, I was in a hospital room with Gummo, the Balloon Boy. I think I was visiting Gummo as he was in the bed and I was standing talking to him. I don't know what he said in the dream, but it made me laugh so hard that I actually remembering waking from the slumber. I actually also awoke Mrs. Kfred whom relayed to me that she noted I was lying on my back, arms over the top of my head, completely asleep and laughing. The feeling associated with this is absolutely incredible; I have never experienced this before.

When I finally awoke in the morning, the skies were cloudy, the guy on the radio said we were heading for a blistering high of 59, and showers were on the way. It didn't matter. I felt rested, positive, optimistic, and ready to take on the day. It was an amazing feeling. All due to the antics of one of the Misfits. I guess they actually do serve a purpose.

Jukebox: We all Pay the Cost at Some Time

Man on the Moon, Fall of the Berlin Wall, and Now this?

I had lunch with Dickie the Peap yesterday and it truly was a momentous occasion. Ok, maybe not as dramatic as the title suggests, but c'mon, anytime Dickie Boy pays, it is a cause for note. In fairness, I have to be completely honest: Dickie does buy alternately when we go to lunch. It's just that the act of getting him to voluntarily pull out the wallet without having to be reminded is the part that is so amazing.

We usually end up going to a familiar place most of the time, so much that, we are recognized by the waitstaff as, "Oh. It's you two". This is more of a commentary on the fact that they know that it is a complete crapshoot for any type of tip to be left depending on who is going to be responsible for the bill. When I pay, I am not afraid to leave a token of my appreciation and reward for good service. In the past few training lunches we have conducted to get Alligator Arms conditioned to hosting, the concept of an additional amount for the server has never been fully grasped. It seems to be a memory thing.

Regardless, the lunch was good, the beer was cold, and I will schedule another lunch meeting in the future. Of course, at that time, it will be my turn to buy. I've already been reminded. I guess the memory thing was fixed.

Is that craft fitted with the proper number of lifejackets?

Sometimes the best intentions go astray due to lack of proper planning.

This suspiciously sounds like something that one of our guys would do. If I didn't have the ability to run it from such a distance, I would recommend to the cheap-assed Board of Directors that we open a European branch as well since there is an obvious population that would guarantee our existence. I've got my hands full here, however.

Its Tough Relaying Your Message

Most non-profit organizations, like FTI, constantly struggle with the task of developing a message to educate the community concerning the work and results they achieve. The challenge is to make the message viable, concise, and memorable, so the organization is easily identified with the message at the time.


The FTI media relations team has been working for nearly a year to develop a vehicle to publicize our cause. Different methods of relaying our message have been discussed at length with no clear choice ever actually determined. It was initially decided that a simple slogan could be used that would easily identify our cause with our work. The original slogan of "FTI: Doing Good Things With Odd People" was abandoned as it invited the mistakenly repeated scrutiny of our local law enforcement's Vice Department. Another idea was to have Gummo, the Balloon Boy, wear a sandwich board type of sign reading, "Even I Am Employed; FTI-Helping All Types of People." This ideas was shot down as being in poor taste during the recent employment downturn as well as being taunting to people with lesser intelligence. Later, the idea of planting a feel good "news story" in the local newspaper was advanced. The thought was to have a story and picture featuring Dickie the Peap with 2 other of the Misfits at the nearby Taco Bell with the headline reading "Local Man Discovers Joys of Low Cost Value Menu". The story would go on to describe how the FTI team had helped Dickie realize that he could actually host an event in a social setting and not feel that the small expenditure of funds would be harmful to his overall wealth. This idea was scrubbed as Taco Bell would not allow our team into their restaurant.

Finally, discussion turned to creating a TV commercial that would show how we help our members using exclusive FTI methodology and practices. If we could show some of the innovative practices employed by FTI, the resulting boost in the self confidence of our team would be a positive change for the community. Knowing that most media relations teams are staffed with people whom think differently than the rest ( and then, to be on our team on top of that), the cheap-assed Board of Directors wisely stipulated that a trial run be undertaken so we could see where they were going before committing our few precious resources to such a venture. The result is below.

I don't think it will ever hit the airwaves.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Yep. We've got an app for that

Part of our supposed success here at FTI is our ability to stay technologically current and aware of the various tools to transmit our message.  Despite the repeated failures, goof-ups, and outright bungling by the FTI IT department, the most reviled department here at FTI, somehow we manage.   A case in point:  my recent acquisition of a new cellular "smart" telephone. 

The cheap-assed Board of Directors recently authorized the purchase of a Droid smart phone.   With all of the "apps" available, my life can be managed, enhanced, entertained, and made easier all with this small device.  Overwhelmed by the stench at the FTI sewage lagoon and not able to think clearly in order to move elsewhere?   Simple.  Press the app for the compass and map feature and navigate yourself away.  Unsure how to tie a necktie for the upcoming FTI Doofus Induction Banquet/Yard Sale?  There is an app that gives step by step directions for tying both a Windsor or Four in Hand knot.  Or, and this is a biggie, unsure of where the nearest FAST FOOD PLACE IS LOCATED!?  Reach out to your smart phone and it can locate it for you. 

A lot of this seems silly, juvenile, and  a time waster.  I'm talking about the phone apps.  Not this site.

Jukebox: A Post Earth Day Tribute

Give me that thing. I'll show you how it's done.

At our weekly staff meeting yesterday, I was welcomed back from my few days hiatus attending to the wedding of Mr. and Mrs. Kfred Jr. 1.   The entire agenda here at the Institute seemed to go into a "sleep" mode as nothing was accomplished and all was put on hold.  With that said, I wish to make one last wedding observation and then pledge not to make the wedding  a topic of any future postings.

My basic photographic skills consist of taking the easiest to operate digital camera I can find, find someone I know, tell them to stand still, center them in the viewfinder, and snap the picture.  A professional, however, is an artist.  They see things  as a point of reference, as an accessory, as something to build around.  That's why they command and receive the fees they do to perform their work.  In viewing the advance work of the photographer who worked the recent wedding, I am amazed at how they can take people and scenes and transform them into works of art.    I would love to share some of his work at this time, but obviously, the guy hasn't received his full fee, so I guess you will have to take my word for it.  The guy is good. 

In the meantime I offer 2 examples of my skills.  One is an action shot captured at  the wedding reception and the other an example of my wildlife viewing skills consisting of  the mole I trapped in the backyard.     Do you think I can land a gig?

Sometimes, You just got to go with the Flow

Well, it's all over. The happy couple will be on their way to Cabo by the time this appears, and all in all, things went very smoothly. I didn't mention in last weeks post, that a major glitch almost destroyed  the grand event.  You see, the hotel where the wedding and reception were scheduled to occur, double booked the rooftop space for the same time on the same day. 

Though the kids had signed the contract for the room in advance of the other party, the date of the actual event on the contract  was wrong by 3 days.  Wednesday!  Who gets married on Wednesday?  Subsequently, the later contract signed by the other party had the correct date, and legally, would be the one recognized if things escalated to  a legal dispute.  (The FTI Legal Dept. pored over this document for hours attempting to find any type of contractual error allowing our side to enforce the original date, but had little success.  Attempting to argue before a judge that the contract was written by the hotel staff on lined paper, had numerous meaningless doodles, and that  a jello wrestling pit would not be provided as requested by an anonymous phone call, were not  felt to be actionable offenses that damages could be won over.)   Ultimately, it was decided that a plan B was needed to be devised and  instituted quickly as the photographer, flowers, invitations, deejay, etc had all been ordered and scheduled.  Fortunately, Friday night was available and decided to be used as the day of choice.  The hotel admitted this incident was all their fault and made numerous concessions on fees and accommodations to make it right for all involved.    In the end, the bride was beautiful, the dinner tasty, the reception rollicking, and the evening  perfect.  And yes,  Goldilocks decided to give up her maiden name and  to take her new husband's name.

 Ladies and gentlemen,  I present Mr. and Mrs. Kfred Jr.1.

It's "Post Wedding" Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's post-wedding Sunday. It's 2 days past, we're still cleaning up, and it's gonna take a while.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Jukebox: What wedding reception doesn't play this?

Simply some odd wedding rituals and beliefs

These are all actual traditions, I did not make these up.  (traditionscustoms.com)   I would have suspected some of these actual practices were developed by our team...........

In Greece it is a tradition to write names of all single women at the wedding party on the sole of bride's shoe. After the party, the shoe is checked. Women whose names have been worn off will be married soon.


Rather strange tradition exists at Russian wedding receptions. Those who would like to get married soon should secretly pull the tablecloth. It is also a bad sign if the heel on the  bride's shoes gets broken.


After the wedding ceremony in Australia, guests put satin horseshoes on ribbons to the bride's wrist for good luck.


The date of the wedding of the Daur people whom live in China  is settled in a rather interesting way. The young man and his bride to be hold a knife together to kill a chick. Then they analyze its liver. If it is of suitable appearance the date of wedding is decided. If not, the happy couple kills yet another chick.


The grooms at Irish weddings has to be very careful when dancing with their brides. His feet have to stay on the floor all the time. Why? If he moves even only one foot off the floor the fairies will steal the bride.


At the wedding in Yemen, the father of the groom takes a handful of raisins and throws them onto the carpet. People gathered there try to pick up as many raisins as possible. Why? Raisins are believed to be symbols of the bright future for the bride and groom.

Actually, these all seem to symbolize something.  Our team isn't bright enough to develop anything with this type of substance.

With our Best Wishes

Hurtling rapidly toward the Big Day of Wedding Week, a number of gifts have been arriving for the soon to be betrothed.  Wedding  gifts are a token of affection and symbol of best wishes, happiness, and future success  for a new bride and groom. 

Rather than the traditional types of material gifts, the Misfits thought it might be unique to offer some personalized, from-the-heart, offerings and life lessons that would be of benefit to a young couple. These concepts would actually be real-life methods and secrets to a long lasting marriage that they could each relay.  I have to admit, initially I was quite proud of my little band of stooges and it brought a small tear to my eye.  Knowing however,  that potential disaster is possible and lurking just below the surface on any concept developed by these losers, I  asked that each gift giver  reveal their plans to me  in  advance in order to judge the sensibilities of each of their ideas.  It was then,  after the details were revealed, that I began to realize that the tear in my eye was, in fact,  due to the nauseous feelings I was beginning to experience.

Among the offerings:

From Dickey the Peap: "Dick(ey)ering Your Way to Financial Health" Dickey thought it would be appropriate to teach the young couple how to avoid paying full retail via any method possible including  wearing a shirt until you develop a hole in it and then return it claiming it to be the wrong size; browbeating a clerk into submission over retail pricing at any establishment and  then waiting until they lower it just to get rid of you; and  his self developed classic, suggesting to dine out with friends, then once the menus have been cleared away, gently remind them  that you believe you bought last time and it is now  their turn to buy.

Marv the Neighbor offered: "3 Tasty, Deep Fried, Meals Guaranteed Your New Husband Will Enjoy".  Does this need to be explained any further?

The Green Comic wished to relay the concept of humor and laughter by gift wrapping a copy of  his well-worn,  dog-eared,  edition of "Everyone Else's Best Jokes".  That way, when  the inevitable disagreement between man and wife comes up, they could take a timeout, search the index for the topic at hand, and read one or two 35 year old jokes relaying to the matter to lessen the tension of the situation.  I told him to rather send a blender.    

The intent is definitely there; for that credit is due and given.  It's just that that the result is a bit off the mark.  Kind of like our population. 

The beginning of a Joyful week

Today marks the official beginning of Wedding Week for Kfred Jr.1 and Goldilocks.  I have requested  the cheap-assed Board of Directors to authorize a temporary leave of absence and will only be spending limited time here at FTI as I will be doubling as shuttle driver, chief go-fer, and auxiliary banker for various events during the coming week. 

As this is scheduled to be a small wedding, a limited number of guests were invited.   Kfred Jr. 1 is highly familiar with the Misfits and  struggled  in deciding which ones to invite. Among the various factors in reaching his decision were the needs  of  convenience of travel, ability to comprehend what was actually occurring at the moment,  and the overall safety of the normal guests.   In the end, the only 2 Misfits scheduled to attend are Marv the Neighbor and Freako Deako.  He has known both Gummo, the Balloon Boy and  the Rat Bastard G since being a small boy, but felt the  rice throwing tradition after the ceremony could indeed re-trigger some painful flashback memories.    Both were one time busboys during a Greek wedding and the father of the bride, highly agitated with their habit of pelting the goat in attendance with wedding rice, threatened to render both of them  inoperable "as men" should it continue.  (I'll leave it to you to determine the actual threat.) 

Dickey the Peap will not be attending as he is actually conducting an alternative event this same day to celebrate the medical discovery of a surgery to correct short arm syndrome.  Correspondingly, he has invited numerous guests to a restaurant, requested that all order ala carte items for his consumption from the menu, and then sit back and relish the experience one last time before realizing he will no longer have a medical excuse not to reach for the check.     Brother Eddie is scheduled to attend in spite of his various exaggerated, physical ailments, as well.  We will have a fully staffed maintenance contingent available should there be any problems. 

All in all, I am excited.   It should be a fun week.  I sincerely hope it doesn't go the way of most events with which we are associated.   

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend.  We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

A simple point of view

I purposely avoid inserting my family's or my own personal life experiences into this forum.  Sure,  there are some striking similarities and our staff is populated by those with traits very similar to people I know, but for all intents and purposes, I  choose to make this as anonymous as possible:  I want you to consider the possibility  that FTI could be located in your city.  And you don't even realize it. 

Anyways (a gentle nod to the Rat Bastard G),  our 2 faithful readers already know that Mrs. Kfred is not only my long time wife of over 28 years and reluctant Director of Safety here at FTI, but also, the mother of our 2 sons, Kfred Jr.1 and Kfred Jr.2.  Both are fine young men whom have already achieved success in their young lives and I am sure will continue to enjoy the same.    I have a feeling they both left home at an early age to avoid being drawn into the FTI web. 

Neither has traits superior to the other, they are just different.  Kfred Jr.1 is a creative, artistic, flamboyant sort. He is well-read, a wonderful writer, likes to learn new things, and has a delightful sense of humor.  enough about me.  Graduated from college, he is scheduled to be married to his longtime girlfriend, Goldilocks, next week.  Kfred Jr. 2 is  the athletic, precise,  serious, and determined one.    Yesterday, Kfred Jr.2 called to inform us that he has been selected to a leadership position  at his school for next year.  His school:  The US Military Academy at West Point.  As a "Firstie" (Senior) next year, he will be responsible for overseeing a group of people, have day-to-day duties for which he will be accountable, and ultimately lead his team.  (Are you starting to see some striking similarities?)  We lovingly refer to him as ""Bilko" for the manner in which he is constantly working Mrs. Kfred and myself for any type of non-college expenses he incurs.     (Case in point:  a $138 charge on his credit card  to a local brew-pub is somehow a financial obligation we agreed to before sending him off to college.) 

We are very proud of both young men and unfailingly never forget to tell them so.  In return, both of them constantly include us in their lives and cheerfully invite us to be involved with their activities.   We couldn't be more happy.  I relay this scenario not to brag or boast, rather, to demonstrate the simple joy of family.  I am worried a bit about the younger one's insistence for me to call him by his new name, though. 

Sir. 

Jukebox:We have met before

Acting intelligently is out

PHOENIX – Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has started a program he calls "Pedal Vision," in which inmates pedal stationary bikes to generate electricity for television sets. The bikes are customized to turn on connected TV sets once inmates at Phoenix's Tent City Jail pedal enough to generate 12 volts of electricity. An hour of pedaling equals an hour of television.

This story caught my eye as this sheriff has become nationally known for his innovative ways to deal with his jail population. I think it is a creative and different way to deal with 2 issues: the health of his inmates and as a method to teach them that everything has a price; if you want something bad enough, you will work for it. 

I am currently researching some type of parallel program for our staff in the same manner.  If I could develop some type of simple, mundane, task that when performed, the resulting actions would be converted to energy, we may become a bit more self sustainable here at FTI.  The difficulty, however, is to determine what type of program would be beneficial to both our staff and  to FTI overall.   I presented this concept at yesterday's staff meeting and solicited suggestions.   Here are a couple of rejected ideas and the reasons they wouldn't work: 

1)  Counting and recounting  money.  Dickey the Peap would short out the lines. 

2)  Develop new jokes for entertainment.  The Green Comic acted as if I were speaking in tongues when I mentioned this one. 

3)  Shopping for Groceries.  The entire meltdown of our recent Easter event was a result of the actions of the Rat Bastard G.  There is no way in hell that he will step foot inside a grocery store again on our behalf. 

4)  Offer telephone support for users of the soon-to-be discontinued Windows Vista operating system.  The FTI IT Department, the most reviled department here at FTI,  is still working on upgrading our system to Vista.  You can't support something you don't understand.   

Interestingly, Gummo, the Balloon Boy, seemed to be in favor of this entire program. I suspect it had to do with his affinity for a bicycle, though, I have never figured out what that connection was.  Regardless, we welcome your input should you think of anything our staff could perform of value. 

Will Obamacare cover the subscription fee?

I had a discussion with Dickey the Peap the other day and we were discussing investment strategies.  The short-armed one is infamous for deep analysis, careful consideration, and unique timing when determining which sectors and companies in which to invest his tightly-clenched dollars.  Once this arduous task is completed, he sits back, monitors his choices, and grimaces as he watches the plummeting value of his portfolio occur almost instantaneously.  Now, Dickey  is not short on resources or intelligence; he is actually a very bright, successful individual.  He is just deficient, however, in logic.  His recent adventures included investing in a small biomedical company that is exploring  ways to deal with erectile dysfunction in men and another that is building software for the gaming and entertainment industry which detects electrical signals produced by the brain.  This type of product could eventually morph into some type of technology that would help paralyzed people control movement  via thought or gaming enthusiasts play games without having to have the mandatory eye/hand coordination to be successful.  The Peap-ed one surmised that if he were to corner the market on both of these companies, he could actually gain enough voting control to force a merger resulting in a company that would cure impotency instantly, simply by  the thought patterns generated by the brain. 

I still shake my head in amazement in reflecting on this conversation.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that a highly  successful, alternative type of product , used and known by men beginning at approximately age 13 all over the world  has been around for nearly 60 years.  It's called Playboy magazine. 

It's Easter Sunday

Hey, it's Easter Sunday, the Misfits are out looking for one another. They never have seemed to understand the egg thing. Anyway, it's tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Caution: Don't feed the animals

Today's pending FTI Family Easter Event and accompanying Beer Garden plaza have me more than a bit concerned. As chronicled earlier, I was out-voted by the cheap-assed Board of Directors in even conducting this event, so,  have adopted the " if-you-can't-beat'em-join'em" attitude in observing this fiasco.  I will be testing the beer in the plaza behind a set of dark glasses and fake mustache disguise and wish to have absolutely no association with this event.  

A few observations so far:

1.  The Rat Bastard G, communicating on an old model, poor quality, cell phone provided by our infamous IT department , the most reviled department here at FTI, mistakenly heard the request to "pick up 5 dozen chicken eggs" as "5 dozen chicken legs"  and purchased the same.
 
2.  Gummo, the Balloon Boy, fully regaled in his paper chef's hat, cheerfully decided to go ahead and boil the legs anyway under the guise of "the show must go on".  This is of course, is in direct conflict with the fact  that there is no practical way to dye cooked chicken legs. 

3.  Marv the Neighbor is pouting because he didn't get to deep-fry the chicken legs.

Surveying the compound as I write this, I note that the Misfits are constantly shooing away 2 stray dogs,   one cat,  and reminding Dickey the Peap not to touch, while hiding the chicken legs.  In addition, I have noted a few raccoons and a circling hawk attracted by the cooked meat.    

Like most family Easter events, I am sure this one will be remembered for a long time.  I just hope it's not for the wrong reasons.   

Jukebox: A simple Rule to Remember