You're better off with the devil you know

While doing a little page maintenance recently on this site, I noticed a feature that I hadn't paid any attention to in the past.  And I thought that the FTI site was a little odd.   Ha!  We got nothing on the competition! 

Allow me to explain. (I could have had one of our idiot IT guys try, but, the entire geek team was hypnotically engaged in a fierce, virtual firefight with some wizard priest sloth-monkeys from Zoltar 7 and couldn't be torn away from their screens to help.  It's sad to see grown adults, staring at computer screens, mouths open,  cursing at animated figures.  )   Anyway, this site we publish on is hosted by the "Blogger" team.  They provide the framework under which we publish.   At the top of our page is their logo, a search box, and  a hotlink on the term of "Next Blog". At the risk of sending you to a competing site that is also vying for your reading attention, I encourage you to take the plunge.  (I do recommend opening in a new window, however, as some sites don't allow you back here, the land of sanity, um   normalcy, damn it, that's not it either, uh regularity.)  If you thought we had a monopoly on weirdos, wackos, and misfits, I would beg to differ. 

Here are some of the subject topics I observed: A Filipino woman who loves to play Farmville on  Facebook and describes her progress daily;  a lonely, heartbroken woman who has centered her entire blog around her breakup with her boyfriend and chronicles it hourly (well, almost);  a Korean teenager who posts with the same abbreviations she uses to text message on her telephone, and (I swear this one is true,) one consisting of nothing but pictures of women's underwear.  Some of it is interesting, some of it is different, all of it is weird. The websites. Not the underwear.  Now, thinking about it; yeah, the underwear, too.  

I don't think for a minute we have anything superior to anyone else's website content and am not  disparaging  them.  Different strokes for different folks.  It's just that they don't have a Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe to evaluate their statements, they don't have a cheap, meddlesome Board of Directors who won't mind their own business,  and they sure as hell don't have one ringleader who is supposed to oversee their trainwreck of a website and given a fancy title of Executive Director.   I am afraid, though, that right now, Vladimir in Russia is stumbling across this site, trying to figure out what this is all about, shakes his head, elbows his brother Petr, and mutters "этот парень - идиот".   Sadly, we have heard it before.

For the English translation click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* This guy is an idiot! *

Jukebox Bonus: 4th Chair Trumpet.

This is too good to wait 'til our normal Friday Jukebox.   If you ever played in the band in junior or senior high school and never made 1st Chair, you will understand.

Do you think we will have to bail the bank out on this too?

Does this never end?  As we first noted a week ago, if  this story wasn't odd enough, here come's the next chapter:   On top of the pending escape charges, now there are financial problems! 

Even the deep thinkers here at the Institute are scratching their heads on this one.

We're green one day a week

Hey c'mon, it's tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

I didn't know Facebook was so highbrow

I recently joined Facebook.  It's an interesting place.  I joined for 2 reasons:  1) to find and reconnect with old friends and acquaintances, and 2) to drive readership to this site.  Now, before I am accused of  furthering my own self serving interest in regard to reason No. 2, I do point out this site has no ads, no point and click  moneymaking opportunities, (ironic I put a hotlink here, isnt it?  Don't worry.  It's just a link to a past story) or any other spam generating content.   I do this because I like to write and I want to share it with others.  That's it.  It also serves as a written testimony to the activities of the weirdo's, wackos, and misfits, that surround my life.  No one could make this shit up. 

A lot of groups and businesses have pages on Facebook to gain exposure and create interest in their product or cause.   The meddling  FTI Board of Directors thought that joining as an organization would be a good idea, convened an emergency meeting, and voted to join as well.    Our page was up within 2 hours as the dopey IT team suddenly came to life and made something happen before their normal 3pm "benchmark of excellence".  2 hours after that, however, it was down, temporarily suspended, and ultimately banned with a terse statement from Facebook that we had violated their terms concerning intellectual rights.  This message was met with mixed reaction here at FTI.  While we are saddened we can't reach a larger audience, we are encouraged.  Our legal team is currently poring over this statement as they have always believed we offer nothing resembling anything remotely intellectual in the first place.  There must be something we are missing.   

Jukebox: Jools Holland always lands the best guests

Maybe he chose to pursue other opportunities

Okay, this is a logical progression as a result of this event. 

We had a similar event here at the institute a while back.  Dickey the Peap was scheduled for his annual haircut and detoured away only to be found after 5  hours later  of exhaustive searching  in a wallet store, of all places.    As he had never owned one, his fascination and obsession with these accessories was deemed suspicious and our our medical retrieval team was notified and he was safely returned.   As he has never spent his own nickel in the first place, he was deemed to be of no further hazard to others or himself and this ugly incident is now in the past. 

Hey, maybe we're just not one small speck of insignificance

Late last night, while signing the final witness statement and complaint form, I was able to ponder and reflect if my efforts are truly meaningful.  After all, our stated goal of determining the truth is many times thwarted only because of the mostly low-level functioning  of our associates and affiliates.  Regardless, I am thankful to our board of Directors for authorizing the purchase of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe (though those bastards did deny the $138 claim on my expense report I spent at Radio Shack to finally get it running.  Dickheads.) and know ultimately our purpose is true. 

Yesterday, the perfect storm hit, and I am proud to report that the  FTI team came together to perform like a symphony.  Though the "music" created was on the  level of a 6th grade beginner's symphony, I am still proud.  It was amazing.   As evidenced by the readers map, yesterday's post got picked up on Reddit and resulted in a 10x  spike in readership activity.  This single event tested the FTI team to it's furthest capabilities: Our legal team was pressed into service to evaluate the content of  2 profanity laced anonymous phone calls; the oft-maligned IT team was forced to make some on the fly adjustments to our hardware and did so only 3 hours late; even Gummo the Balloon boy got into the act and got on his bicycle.  (EDITOR'S NOTE:  The significance of this act and it's relevance to this story is unknown at this time.  We merely relay the copy given to us.)

In the end, whether it is helping others to remember their internet passwords, discovering the answer to a generational old conflict, or simply providing some music to escape with, we feel we are making a difference.  One threat at a time.

We're on a Mission from God

 

I  have had 3 sightings of retired police cars and their drivers in the last week.   One had been restored to near street patrol finish, including the various antennas, the "cage" seating in the rear, driver side spotlight, and ramming front grill.   Another police car was completely stripped of the normal police accessories, had a couple of dents, but still completely roadworthy. The last one  looked like it literally had come off of the set of the Blue Brothers movie:  dirty, missing 2 hubcaps, the paint was peeling.  But bygod, it had the drivers door spotlight still installed. 

Have you ever noticed the type of people driving either of these? I checked with the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe and ran some scenarios through it.  The mechanical wonder I purchased on Ebay confirmed my observations:  These  vehicles seem to driven by primarily three types of persons:  1)  young (20-28 years old), slightly overweight white males;  paramilitary types with pressed white shirts, 2) middle aged white guys, unshaven, smoking a cigarette, wearing out of style sunglasses  and 3) what  used to be  called "stoners" ( meth-heads?) with their stringy haired girlfriends. 

The first group in the cop cars want to be noticed.  They are hoping you will be speeding down the highway and suddenly come upon them and back off thinking, "Oh shit!  There's a cop in an unmarked car.  I hope I don't get a ticket!" Then as you realize its not a cop, you pass and they look at you with this smug superior  like "ha, I fooled you idiot" look.  Yeah, real impressive.  You sure got me on that one, Joe Friday. The Group 2 guys   are strictly interested in the car because it's got a "cop motor".  Take a Ford Crown Vic and race down the highway at 130 mph just because you have a car that can do so.  These guys were always the misfits in their social setting in high school.  25 year later,  nothing has changed.      The stoners in the junker, though, are just trying to get somewhere and all they can afford is the old cruiser they bought off one of their friends for $600.  No worries. Don't worry dude.  You will blend right in.

Upon deeper reflection, I have been thinking.  The institute's CRAP (Central Research, Analysis, and Policy) Vehicle has been performing flawlessly lately, but, I do have to plan for it's eventual replacement.  I'm thinking of contacting my local law enforcement department and see if they want to  part with one of their 3 wheeled parking patrol units.  It's smaller, more fuel efficient, but just as official. Depending on which one of our member's are operating it at the time, it could be classified under any of the 3 categories described above.

UPDATE:  if you are reading this from the Reddit link, its an old post! Click here to see the fallout from this post.

Nepotism has no place here

In our never ending goal to develop alternative thinking, one of our own has come through and is already the odds on favorite to assume executive duties here at FTI should there be an overthrow or I announce my immediate retirement, whichever occurs first. 

Unable to participate and attend our recent summer picnic, our nephew Justin submitted this late entry for consideration as part  of the "Employee Talent" display in the "Food Preparation /Hunting" category.  Though not a direct employee, he was able to submit  his entry under a heretofore little known rule: Sister's kid exception.  Congrats to this fine young man. He obviously possesses the thinking characterisitics exhibited here on a daily basis.

Much like a Swiss Army Knife with all of the tools included, this submittal idea has obvious dual purpose capabilities as well:  the deep volume allows for a large tent to be easily  wheeled into the woods to the perfect campsite, while the spacious grill surface area insures that all camping attendees can be assured  their entire hunted game can be cooked at one time.  Ingenious. 

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time

Okay.  Let's all meet back here at the horse barn at 2pm. If you all behave, we can get some ice cream afterward.

Jukebox: Forget dancing guys and stick to the horns

i hope help gets here pretty soon

(*crickets*) 

i am writing this from a secret lo..(shh!)........ i am writing this from our secret auxilary location as (shh! what was that?)

(*crickets*)

i am writing this from our secret auxiliary location as we have suspected someone is hacking into the fti network and trying to infiltrate our computer network.  the much aligned and oft referred i.t.  team cannot seem to figure out our ..............(did you hear that?)................
computer problems and suspects there may be sabotage on the part of one of our insiders.  wait.  i and only the two most trusted thinkers in our group have accompanied me here.  i had to blindfold all of us to get here and we got lost.  as a result this entry is late in being posted. 

the geek squad  from our local best buy store was at the compound earlier and I suspect one of them may have been, in fact, a double agent  working for a competitive institute.   anyway, we have contacted the real pros to get us straightened out.   they will be the ones wearing the circuit city tee shirts.

We all have some dirty laundry

Our compassion for our associates and affiliated thinkers is very deep. We try to help all of those in need. Earlier, it was noted that one of our associates was suffering some debilitating effects of a treatable malady that, left unchecked, would cause continuing harm to both his relationships with others and to his overall love of self.

As director of FTI, I have the responsibility to know that each of our associates and affiliates are operating at peak performance.  This  past Monday, I  made a referral to our medical team for their evaluation of one of our own.  We promised to show you a "behind the scenes look" of our operation here at FTI; the good, the bad, AND the ugly.  This isn't pleasant, but we offer you this peek  in the sense of openness and complete honesty.

No activity detected? You are our candidate.

At many  forward thinking organizations, emphasis is put on future goals and the planning necessary to meet those goals.  We here at FTI are no different  and are always trying to analyze our readership  audience and determine the policy direction you wish for us to pursue.  The Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe has been invaluable in this task, but, ultimately we need feedback from the target audience.  This year's goal of developing a  network of semi-reliable associates has been met with mixed results.   Gummo the Balloon Boy, Dickey the Peap,  and Freako, to name a few, have provided rich discussion material.  They are, however,  just a small sampling of the associates that we rely on for a representative overview.

 A recently discovered gadget allows us to determine the location of our  readers here at FTI.   So here's calling out to you Chicago, Atlanta, Modesto, Plano, Spokane, Meridian, London and Korea: We know you're out there!  Tell your friends,  have them visit, test to see if they qualify, and join our Wannabe Flatliners club.   Post us to your Facebook and LinkedIn pages,  forward our URL (http://www.flatlinethinking.blogspot.com/) to everyone in your addressbook, write us on the wall in the restroom at work!   Here is a quick cut and paste template:
_______________________________________________________________________________

 Hey I was thinking about you!  This organization  http://www.flatlinethinking.blogspot.com/ is in desperate need of talent and I thought you might be the one that can help them.  They are dedicated to championing the causes of the more "forward" thinking people in today's society and I think you would be invaluable to them. 

Hope this innocent act doesn't end our friendship. 

Sincerely,

_______________________________________________________________________________________

There.  Thats it.  Pretty simple. huh?  Let's see if we can add 4 more continents to cover the earth and  develop a worldwide network of Flatliner wannabe's!  The reader that refers the most new members will be our VIP guest at next year's summer gala.  Like this past summer's blowout, you will be able to hang out with our famous IT crew that recently earned us a mandatory 2 day safety seminar from OSHA,  suspension of pool privileges for the balance of the summer, and the added attention  of local law enforcement.  I will let you even spin in my Directors chair a couple of times and add which ever selection you make to our Friday Jukebox feature.

In reflection, as troubling as the whole summer picnic episode was, the department (and it's leader pictured above) have learned their lesson and promise to behave in a more reasonable fashion in the future.

It's not easy being a part of our staff

Part of our success ( if we do say so ourselves) here at FTI is the constant monitoring and  encouraging of our staff and inspirational affiliates.  We have developed and followed a methodology  shaped like a rainbow to bring out the best in our thinking staff.  Designed to help develop talent, it is deliberate, challenging, and successful.   It can also be brutal.  At one end of our program  is occasional casual observation, at the peak is   intensive help and guidance, and at the other end is complete shunning and banishment.   It serves to refocus personal trait development and strengthen their own natural skills while also to help us weed out  those on our team who's views  have veered into crackpot and wingnut land.

We have become increasingly alarmed of one individual's stability.  Though  always having been a bit out of whack in regard to rational and realistic type thinking, the document displayed above he insisted be shared with the rest of our staff  causes great concern.  Our FTI medical staff is reviewing treatment options currently and will be advising a starting point on our evaluation rainbow.   As we  chronicle the treatment plan for you in future posts, it will allow you to understand the "behind the scenes" efforts here at FTI to help all of our members.  Even the nutjobs.

Look, let's just have bygones be bygones

So I guess the aggravated assault and armed robbery charges will come later?  

We don't have to worry about losing any intellectual properties

As noted in an earlier post, we did get the necessary legal clearance to display pictures of the winning entries during our recent Flatline Thinking Institute "Employee Talent" exhibit of our annual Summer picnic. Our Legal Department is confident that revealing any of these entries "will most certainly not be copied by any other rational inventors. "  We interpret that statement to be of the highest  our team could be bestowed.  Obviously, no one thinks like our people. 

Though many were notable, there were simply too many entries to be deemed as "best". The judging criteria was loosely interpreted to the eye of the beholder, though the groundrules were simple: Create any common device in a manner not previously designed. Here are some noteworthy entries in the Technology/portable personal computing, Automotive/Security, and Home Health/Personal Care categories. Please join us in marveling at the creativity of our affiliates and sharing the pride that these type of individuals are safely detained located away from other people.

9/11: Never Forgotten. Ever.

The usual mirth, merriment, and silliness associated with our normal observations will be suspended today in honor of the over 3000 lives lost 8 years ago today.

Regardless of your political leanings, interpretation of cause, or assignment of blame, the cowardly acts of that day were despicable. May their be a special place in Hell for those involved with the planning and carrying out of those acts.

1 week vacation? What else do you offer?

A recent analysis of FTI employee benefits relates to an incident I share here.  The CRAP (Central Research, Analysis, and Policy) vehicle suffered another small breakdown  recently that it is beginning to make me think that I should perhaps turn over the responsibilities of the Institute Motorpool to a professional fleet management company. 

Starting with a repeated clicking sound when the key is turned over, it was determined that a new battery might well be in order.  Of course, the friendly mechanic was quick to offer up the 7 year battery life, $125 cost option, as being the most practical for the situation at hand.  I reminded him that as Executive Director and Founder of the Flatline Thinking Insititute, I have had advanced training and practice in critical thinking that better reflected our mission and issued  an immediate veto of his suggestion.   As a result, we opted for the minimum 5 year, $75 cost,  alternative battery  for the CRAP vehicle. 

We were thinking about offering the services of a fleet management  company  as an added perk to the staff at the FTI.  Unfortunately, a large number of our associates would not be able to take advantage of this benefit due to stunted cognitive and reasoning abilities preventing them to drive most types of vehicles in the first place.  After exhaustive independent analysis and breakout sessions with our staff, we have now focused our energies on finding a company that specializes in high risk insurance policies.  I'm sure we would qualify for a group discount.