Jukebox: Hey McLovin, I want to introduce you to these guys

I guess I will just eat an apple a day

Ah, the annual decision making process of healthcare plan selection is upon me.  Costs are exploding and no organization is immune from trying to control expenses.  We covered this earlier when the healthcare debate was in such a rush before Congress and at that time, I had a funny feeling the do-nothing, meddling, cheap-ass Board of directors were considering this option. Sure enough, a memo was circulated today that this plan will be the only plan to cover the Institute staff for 2010.  

Being Executive director here at FTI does have some perks, however.  As I am an exempt, at will employee, I do have the option of  enjoying the same gold plated, "Cadillac" level, plan currently enjoyed by the Board.  They actually get to see live specialists who swear for you. 

Could it be that fate is tempting me?

If this blog suddenly goes dark and I turn up MIA, I can assure you, I will be in some exotic location  rapidly throwing off any remaining vestiges of being associated with the knuckleheads at the FTI.  Let me explain. 

I have to go out of town on some non-institute business for a few days.    While making the appropriate hotel reservations, the clerk mentions, "oh, you got the lucky confirmation number.  I was wondering who was going to get it".  The number:  771177.  My hotel of choice:  A casino/resort hotel. 
Then, I make a phone call to renew my prescription from a mail order pharmacy as I am heavily tranquilized most days in order to deal with the morons you have been previously introduced to in prior posts.  I give the customer service person my phone number and she says, "oh, that's my lucky number."  I asked her how a phone number could be a lucky number.  She said it just contained the digits she has found to be lucky. 
Hmmmm, I am starting to see a trend here.   I have to believe things are looking up for me.

Why looky there!  The woman next to me at the 21 table just got dealt a pair of Tens.  And she wants to SPLIT THEM!!   I knew this was too good to be true. 

Sorry, I'm already posting Google links to supplement my income

Let's see, 10% for taxes, fees, and telephone calls, huh?  Ok. 

I just received an email today from a lawyer in Burkina Faso, a small landlocked country in Africa which is ranked 7th to last place of the Human Development Index.  Translation: This place sucks.  As you can see, this guy is looking for someone to represent as next of kin, an African engineer who died, and had $13 Million US dollars squirreled away. The lawyer will cut me in for 30%, pay the aforementioned 10% miscellaneous charges, and keep the remaining 60% for himself.  Anyway, he wants some basic information and I will be on the path to untold success and riches.

I thought this event was too good to be true and decided to run it by a couple of my most trusted friends and financial advisors, Freako Deako, Rat Bastard G, and Dicky the Peap.  All were in agreement that, though this was a fantastic opportunty,  there was something definitely wrong with this offer.  Something just didn't ring true; didn't "smell" right.   Finally, after 3 hours of poring over every word and deciphering every phrase in the letter, it hit them:   It had been there the whole time and they had overlooked it.  10% for phone charges!?  Don't they know if you bundle with Qwest, you get unlimited local AND long distance calling for only $99 a month?  Hey, we're not as dumb as we look.

Engage the auto-pilot. Let's go straighten this mess out.

The cheap-ass FTI  Board of Directors will not  allow me to fly 1st class as they consider it ringside seating.  No wonder you pay a premium.

We're Green one day a week

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.


We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Here's proof in a graph form

Today is my wedding anniversary. Through thick and thin, Mrs. Kfred has been there for me. Of course, we have had disagreements, but (and it pains me to say this), she has usually been right.

For a number of years, though,  I have increasingly had the suspicion that I have been coming out on the losing end of most disagreements, but, couldn't document it as such .  I assigned our Statistical Analysis team to see if they could verify some data and, by golly, they hit one out of the park with this easy to understand graphic. The beauty of this representation is that it is not case specific.  It would apply to any married man.  Good job, guys. 

Oh, and dear, I will  always love you.

Jukebox: We always get this answer

Nice to meet you. And how do you know these guys?

At any party, there is always small talk among the guests. People who had been complete strangers with one another 2 minutes earlier are now chatting and finding similar details about their experiences and connections.

One of the tools at our disposal in generating this daily display of self-humiliation is the ability to know how people got to this site. That is, we know which search terms, which keywords, which questions asked to the various internet search engines, brought them to our site. Imagine our shock and surprise to discover that instead of the terms we had imagined would drive readership our way, the actual terms were something else. Instead of "intelligent analysis", "flawless reasoning", or "creative alternatives", we instead are being referred to for people who searched for "What should I pay my receptionist", "that German engineering", "make money posting google links" (we're going to update that story in a few days) and my favorite, "flatline investing".

To those of you who searched for answers about these terms(if you are courageous enough to hang around and still be viewing our site), on behalf of all of us here at FTI, I apologize. Coming here for answers to those type of queries is like making an appointment to discuss your finances with Warren Buffett and ending up taking advice from Zelda, the Bulgarian Mystic, at the carnival sideshow. Well intentioned, but misguided.

You're better off with the devil you know

While doing a little page maintenance recently on this site, I noticed a feature that I hadn't paid any attention to in the past.  And I thought that the FTI site was a little odd.   Ha!  We got nothing on the competition! 

Allow me to explain. (I could have had one of our idiot IT guys try, but, the entire geek team was hypnotically engaged in a fierce, virtual firefight with some wizard priest sloth-monkeys from Zoltar 7 and couldn't be torn away from their screens to help.  It's sad to see grown adults, staring at computer screens, mouths open,  cursing at animated figures.  )   Anyway, this site we publish on is hosted by the "Blogger" team.  They provide the framework under which we publish.   At the top of our page is their logo, a search box, and  a hotlink on the term of "Next Blog". At the risk of sending you to a competing site that is also vying for your reading attention, I encourage you to take the plunge.  (I do recommend opening in a new window, however, as some sites don't allow you back here, the land of sanity, um   normalcy, damn it, that's not it either, uh regularity.)  If you thought we had a monopoly on weirdos, wackos, and misfits, I would beg to differ. 

Here are some of the subject topics I observed: A Filipino woman who loves to play Farmville on  Facebook and describes her progress daily;  a lonely, heartbroken woman who has centered her entire blog around her breakup with her boyfriend and chronicles it hourly (well, almost);  a Korean teenager who posts with the same abbreviations she uses to text message on her telephone, and (I swear this one is true,) one consisting of nothing but pictures of women's underwear.  Some of it is interesting, some of it is different, all of it is weird. The websites. Not the underwear.  Now, thinking about it; yeah, the underwear, too.  

I don't think for a minute we have anything superior to anyone else's website content and am not  disparaging  them.  Different strokes for different folks.  It's just that they don't have a Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe to evaluate their statements, they don't have a cheap, meddlesome Board of Directors who won't mind their own business,  and they sure as hell don't have one ringleader who is supposed to oversee their trainwreck of a website and given a fancy title of Executive Director.   I am afraid, though, that right now, Vladimir in Russia is stumbling across this site, trying to figure out what this is all about, shakes his head, elbows his brother Petr, and mutters "этот парень - идиот".   Sadly, we have heard it before.

For the English translation click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* This guy is an idiot! *

Jukebox Bonus: 4th Chair Trumpet.

This is too good to wait 'til our normal Friday Jukebox.   If you ever played in the band in junior or senior high school and never made 1st Chair, you will understand.

Do you think we will have to bail the bank out on this too?

Does this never end?  As we first noted a week ago, if  this story wasn't odd enough, here come's the next chapter:   On top of the pending escape charges, now there are financial problems! 

Even the deep thinkers here at the Institute are scratching their heads on this one.

We're green one day a week

Hey c'mon, it's tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

I didn't know Facebook was so highbrow

I recently joined Facebook.  It's an interesting place.  I joined for 2 reasons:  1) to find and reconnect with old friends and acquaintances, and 2) to drive readership to this site.  Now, before I am accused of  furthering my own self serving interest in regard to reason No. 2, I do point out this site has no ads, no point and click  moneymaking opportunities, (ironic I put a hotlink here, isnt it?  Don't worry.  It's just a link to a past story) or any other spam generating content.   I do this because I like to write and I want to share it with others.  That's it.  It also serves as a written testimony to the activities of the weirdo's, wackos, and misfits, that surround my life.  No one could make this shit up. 

A lot of groups and businesses have pages on Facebook to gain exposure and create interest in their product or cause.   The meddling  FTI Board of Directors thought that joining as an organization would be a good idea, convened an emergency meeting, and voted to join as well.    Our page was up within 2 hours as the dopey IT team suddenly came to life and made something happen before their normal 3pm "benchmark of excellence".  2 hours after that, however, it was down, temporarily suspended, and ultimately banned with a terse statement from Facebook that we had violated their terms concerning intellectual rights.  This message was met with mixed reaction here at FTI.  While we are saddened we can't reach a larger audience, we are encouraged.  Our legal team is currently poring over this statement as they have always believed we offer nothing resembling anything remotely intellectual in the first place.  There must be something we are missing.   

Jukebox: Jools Holland always lands the best guests

Maybe he chose to pursue other opportunities

Okay, this is a logical progression as a result of this event. 

We had a similar event here at the institute a while back.  Dickey the Peap was scheduled for his annual haircut and detoured away only to be found after 5  hours later  of exhaustive searching  in a wallet store, of all places.    As he had never owned one, his fascination and obsession with these accessories was deemed suspicious and our our medical retrieval team was notified and he was safely returned.   As he has never spent his own nickel in the first place, he was deemed to be of no further hazard to others or himself and this ugly incident is now in the past. 

Hey, maybe we're just not one small speck of insignificance

Late last night, while signing the final witness statement and complaint form, I was able to ponder and reflect if my efforts are truly meaningful.  After all, our stated goal of determining the truth is many times thwarted only because of the mostly low-level functioning  of our associates and affiliates.  Regardless, I am thankful to our board of Directors for authorizing the purchase of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe (though those bastards did deny the $138 claim on my expense report I spent at Radio Shack to finally get it running.  Dickheads.) and know ultimately our purpose is true. 

Yesterday, the perfect storm hit, and I am proud to report that the  FTI team came together to perform like a symphony.  Though the "music" created was on the  level of a 6th grade beginner's symphony, I am still proud.  It was amazing.   As evidenced by the readers map, yesterday's post got picked up on Reddit and resulted in a 10x  spike in readership activity.  This single event tested the FTI team to it's furthest capabilities: Our legal team was pressed into service to evaluate the content of  2 profanity laced anonymous phone calls; the oft-maligned IT team was forced to make some on the fly adjustments to our hardware and did so only 3 hours late; even Gummo the Balloon boy got into the act and got on his bicycle.  (EDITOR'S NOTE:  The significance of this act and it's relevance to this story is unknown at this time.  We merely relay the copy given to us.)

In the end, whether it is helping others to remember their internet passwords, discovering the answer to a generational old conflict, or simply providing some music to escape with, we feel we are making a difference.  One threat at a time.

We're on a Mission from God

 

I  have had 3 sightings of retired police cars and their drivers in the last week.   One had been restored to near street patrol finish, including the various antennas, the "cage" seating in the rear, driver side spotlight, and ramming front grill.   Another police car was completely stripped of the normal police accessories, had a couple of dents, but still completely roadworthy. The last one  looked like it literally had come off of the set of the Blue Brothers movie:  dirty, missing 2 hubcaps, the paint was peeling.  But bygod, it had the drivers door spotlight still installed. 

Have you ever noticed the type of people driving either of these? I checked with the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe and ran some scenarios through it.  The mechanical wonder I purchased on Ebay confirmed my observations:  These  vehicles seem to driven by primarily three types of persons:  1)  young (20-28 years old), slightly overweight white males;  paramilitary types with pressed white shirts, 2) middle aged white guys, unshaven, smoking a cigarette, wearing out of style sunglasses  and 3) what  used to be  called "stoners" ( meth-heads?) with their stringy haired girlfriends. 

The first group in the cop cars want to be noticed.  They are hoping you will be speeding down the highway and suddenly come upon them and back off thinking, "Oh shit!  There's a cop in an unmarked car.  I hope I don't get a ticket!" Then as you realize its not a cop, you pass and they look at you with this smug superior  like "ha, I fooled you idiot" look.  Yeah, real impressive.  You sure got me on that one, Joe Friday. The Group 2 guys   are strictly interested in the car because it's got a "cop motor".  Take a Ford Crown Vic and race down the highway at 130 mph just because you have a car that can do so.  These guys were always the misfits in their social setting in high school.  25 year later,  nothing has changed.      The stoners in the junker, though, are just trying to get somewhere and all they can afford is the old cruiser they bought off one of their friends for $600.  No worries. Don't worry dude.  You will blend right in.

Upon deeper reflection, I have been thinking.  The institute's CRAP (Central Research, Analysis, and Policy) Vehicle has been performing flawlessly lately, but, I do have to plan for it's eventual replacement.  I'm thinking of contacting my local law enforcement department and see if they want to  part with one of their 3 wheeled parking patrol units.  It's smaller, more fuel efficient, but just as official. Depending on which one of our member's are operating it at the time, it could be classified under any of the 3 categories described above.

UPDATE:  if you are reading this from the Reddit link, its an old post! Click here to see the fallout from this post.

Nepotism has no place here

In our never ending goal to develop alternative thinking, one of our own has come through and is already the odds on favorite to assume executive duties here at FTI should there be an overthrow or I announce my immediate retirement, whichever occurs first. 

Unable to participate and attend our recent summer picnic, our nephew Justin submitted this late entry for consideration as part  of the "Employee Talent" display in the "Food Preparation /Hunting" category.  Though not a direct employee, he was able to submit  his entry under a heretofore little known rule: Sister's kid exception.  Congrats to this fine young man. He obviously possesses the thinking characterisitics exhibited here on a daily basis.

Much like a Swiss Army Knife with all of the tools included, this submittal idea has obvious dual purpose capabilities as well:  the deep volume allows for a large tent to be easily  wheeled into the woods to the perfect campsite, while the spacious grill surface area insures that all camping attendees can be assured  their entire hunted game can be cooked at one time.  Ingenious. 

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time

Okay.  Let's all meet back here at the horse barn at 2pm. If you all behave, we can get some ice cream afterward.