A more appropriate choice

Well, I must say, I am glad that it is Saturday.  I had been dreading yesterday all week long as I was worried about the musical selection to be posted that I would have no control over.  The choice of "YMCA" by the late 70's band of misfits known as "The Village People" is actually reflective of the make-up of our staff.  Most of our team dresses like it is Halloween all year anyway, so, that part of the depiction was accurate. 

One astute reader noted their personal suspicions had been confirmed by this choice as they felt this was an Institute theme song all along.  I point out that though the majority of our staff have been residents of halfway houses and other treatment facilities, a scant few have ever availed themselves to help at the YMCA.   Had the criteria for the musical selection of the day been related to the  description of our staff, I would have chosen something along this line. 

You have got to be kidding me

Armed Robbery. What are you in for? Me? I was singin' music.

Gummo, the Balloon Boy, called yesterday and attempted to make some sort of shakedown on me.  He had noted that we were receiving threatening letters concerning tomorrow's Jukebox selection and implied that he had some type of connection with the music Nazi's better known as ASCAP (American Society of Composers, Authors,and Publishers).  Years ago, Gummo had wandered into one of their yearly conventions, eventually gotten drunk with a couple of their members, and woke up in an alley shoeless, his facepaint smeared, and trademark 80's disco 'fro half shaven off his head.  He truly looked like a bad imitation of Larry from The 3 Stooges.     Anyway, this group has caused many a restaurant and bar owner a large amount of grief by demanding licensing payments if you have a band or playing music on a radio in your establishment because you are playing someone else's copyrighted music.  And this is all legal.  (I am not making this up!)  As our Friday jukebox feature also plays music, Gummo was hinting that he might place a couple of calls and make some trouble if he chose to.

I pointed out to Gummo that such an act would jeopardize his position here at the Institute, I didn't think he had the power to commit such an act, we would not succumb to his veiled threats, and that he could go pound sand.  2 hours later,  the Institute was visited by 2 ASCAP goons whom eventually left with Gummo as well.  Apparently, he had been previously observed performing  a bad karaoke version of  the falsetto portion in "Summer Nights" from the movie "Grease".  And that act is a punishable crime. 

You are really hard to buy for

This time of year marks the beginning of the season with the inevitable question of  "What do you want for Christmas"? 

I am always at a quandary when asked this question as I never have a really good answer.  I have most everything I need.  That's not to say I have a of materials.  I just use the things I need, buy the things I want when I need them, and ignore the rest.  I currently have a computer, flat screen TV, and cell phone.  (That eliminates about 50% of the advertised "must have" Christmas items).  The idiot IT department has every gaming system and video game known to  man, so don't need that.  The institute's CRAP (Central Research, Analysis, and Policy) Vehicle, oddly, has been behaving lately; I don't see a Lexus with a bow on it in the driveway this year.  A plea bargain agreement stipulated we would not possess any type of GPS system after the little dust-up we had with the Garmin folks earlier this fall.  No go on that one.   My annual plea to provide me with a quality staff by recruiting and offering meaningful compensation to prized performers to upgrade the thinking around here has fallen on deaf ears of our cheap assed Board of Directors.  So, I guess we are stuck with the losers we have.  I guess it really is going to be a bleak Christmas this year. 



**********************************************

The Institute received 2 registered, return receipt letters yesterday from different organizations threatening legal repercussions should our upcoming Friday Jukebox selection cause any legal or economic damage to their well-being.  I'll admit it:  I'm nervous.  We've had legal problems before, but, this is different.  No only could we be economically damaged, but,  also exposed for what we are:  A collection of misfits generating public policy and positions on various issues that most people think is stupid, irrelevant, nonsensical, or meaningless.  Kind of like our local government.

Oh, woe is me

I normally try to relay positive, uplifting, fun type of messages here to offer the casual reader a glimpse inside my world.  By and large, I can deal with  speedbumps thrown my way with little difficulty.  Recently, however, I am increasingly starting to feel life's wall's close in on me:

1)  Mrs. Kfred and I had a recent "disagreement" over my failure to properly medicate and pay attention to my own health and its attending needs.   I won't bore you with the details, but, suffice to say I was properly re-educated of the error of my ways and will not be engaging in that type of behavior again.  Ever. 

2) The emergence and re-appearance of The Green Comic, aka the Earthworm of Comedy, is troubling.  As noted in yesterday's comments, once this guy establishes a foothold, everything goes down hill from there.  This re-incarnation of Milton Berle for todays generation becomes viral very shortly after it begins.  What starts as an  amusing "Hey, I have heard that one before", soon becomes, "Get some new material, Fathead". 

3) The FTI Legal department worked overnight only to disappoint me when informing me we will be powerless to defend against any claims arising  from the pending Jukebox selection to be chosen by the staff  and  revealed in 3 days.  Should their be any actionable claims, it could potentially ruin the Institute from a financial perspective.   

To deal with this increasing madness, I am trying my best to cope with the mounting pressures.  I think I will survive, but, should any further difficulties arise, one needs to have a back-up plan.  Mine is simple:  I have  researched and identified all countries that happen to have no currently enforced extradition treaties with the US.  Now, where exactly is Burkina Faso?

No need to have your primary care guy make a referral

Marv the Neighbor passed along an interesting story that I thought I would share today. I'm sure he didn't come up with it originally, but it is kind of timely with the current healthcare debate.   If I didn't know better, I would have thought this is the type of medicine practiced around here. 

*******************************************************
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

*rimshot*

********************************************************

I've already alerted the FTI Legal department to prepare a statement should any fallout occur from the pending Jukebox selection chosen by the staff  to be revealed in 4 days.    We will be proactive on this matter. 

Well, it is Green Sunday and I am here, but, I am not working

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know. I am only here today because I am attempting to do some preventitive damage control in light of this upcoming Friday's jukebox programming event by the staff. I'll be honest: I am nervous of the possibilities and fear a musical trainwreck may be on the horizon. I want to disavow, right here and right now, 5 days in advance, any responsiblity for this week's selection.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.



See you tomorrow.

I got news for you. You've got another thing coming

I finally concluded a marathon, grind it out, you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me negotiation session last night with our County Probation Office over the spat we had a day earlier.  I'm none to happy with the result, but, accept it as the price to pay to avoid the longer term liability. 

The alert reader will recall that this same office had planned on dumping placing another of their losers here at FTI to be a part of our staff in honor of our recent blog recognition.  As Executive Director, (and  acting HR manager as our appointed official is finishing a 30 day "recovery" sabbatical),  I felt this would be disruptive.  We've experienced a placement of this type before and the results were not good.  The hair pulling, petty jealousies, disappearance of support materials, etc. disrupted our ability to develop and deliver the clear, concise positions and observations we have become known for.  And this behavior was among our upper management team; we haven't even begun to discuss the effects on the rest of the losers housed here.  I knew such an addition would never work.

I contacted the probation office in question and began the session to somehow avoid being forced to add one more misfit to our team.   I pleaded that our ability to deal with the current members of our tinfoil hat brigade already here were stretched to the limit and more harm than good would come as a result of this action.  Finally, a compromise was reached that will end this conflict:  The individual in question will not be placed with us.  In return, the office extracted a commitment to allow the staff to program next Friday's jukebox selection with no interference with me, regardless of  the selection made.  To date, I have taken on this duty and have felt it was my personal signature contribution to this forum.  I immediately rejected this offer, but was met with a no movement stance from the other side.  In the end, I had one choice:  relent or accept the loser.  You know the decision I made. 

Here is what I am faced with.  This is what the staff wanted to play.  I only hope next Friday is better than this. 

Jukebox: Why, of Course. How else would you go into a weekend?

Ah, the price of success

The recognition and mention of this site yesterday by Nancy, a nice lady and author on her own wonderful  blog, has caused a problem that I am feverishly trying to address while I write this.  While appreciative of her raising our existence among the reading community, there is a new challenge that needs to be addressed. 

This lady graciously noted that our site was "off the wall in a beautiful way".   Initially, we welcomed this recognition and felt positive  about it.  After all, I manage this site  for 3 reasons:  1)  I enjoy writing, 2) I like to entertain others, and 3) to gainfully employ our various thickheaded staff members who would be nothing more than unemployment statistics if they weren't involved here.  Come on, could you imagine Gummo the Balloon Boy, Dicky the Peap, or Freako Deako working at your place of employment?    It's best they are together here at FTI; it's kind of like a stray pound for the weak-minded members of my community.  Anyway,  back to the problem. 

A couple of these deep-thinking individuals decided they alone were responsible for our success and that perhaps their abilities would be compensated at a higher level at a competitive thinking organization and announced they were leaving immediately unless we could come up with more dough.  Privately thinking, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out", but, befitting my professional demeanor  as Executive Director here at the Institute, I reminded them of the previous difficulties in dealing with our cheap assed Board of Directors, that my hands were tied financially, and we couldn't afford any more compensation.  I told them  I was sad to see them go, but, would not want to stand in the way of their future success and  wished them well in their new endeavors. (Truthfully, however, I would be eager to jettison any one of these knuckleheads, let alone 2 on the same day; and was secretly thrilled that I would now have two less problem children to deal with and did my own private, happy dance once out of viewing range of the rest of our staff.)   

At the end of the business day yesterday, I received a phone call from the county probation supervisory office informing me that these 2 were not eligible to move elsewhere.  Additionally, their office, too, had become aware of the recognition bestowed upon us, and figured if we could gain this type of notoriety with the staff we had assembled, perhaps one more loser would really put us on the map!  We have worked so hard to erase the reputation of the Institute serving as a dumping ground for society's weirdos, whackos, and misfits.    Now, I have to determine how to raise the level of thinking and policy analysis currently produced to a level that any new reader would want to come here and view, let alone  re-visit on a regular basis with an additional whackjob on staff. 

In closing, to all of our new visitors and friends, welcome.  Take 15 minutes, look around,  and explore some of  the past postings.  We're here 6 days a week; from simple life observations to cutting edge analysis as interpreted by the staff to the Friday Jukebox, we try to have fun along the way.  I guarantee you will leave thinking, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not in that guy's shoes".   And finally, a large "thanks" to my new friend, Nancy.   Let me return the favor someday.  Like, whenever you are ready to wind down your blog.   I can loan out some of our staff.  They can reduce your readership immediately.   And end it in a week.

Does that include one free phone call as well?

I was awakened this morning at 6 am local time by my cell phone.  I normally do not have my cell phone on 24 hours, but, am out of town traveling.  Unsure whether Mrs. Kfred was calling to inform me that the garage door opener was inoperable and she was once again trapped inside (pull the red cord dear; it's the manual disengage), or that it would be the local bail bondsman's monthly reminder about the Institute's past due corporate balance, I groggily answer the phone.  On the other end is a cheery, chipper, pre-recorded voice informing me that I was eligible for "bailout" assistance on my current home loan.  Apparently, it was determined that I deserved  this assistance due to my excellent credit history and the fact that the government wants homeowners like me to have the access to bailout funds "just like the big corporations".

I do not have the luxury of confirming these statements on the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe as it does not have remote access capabilities.  I do know, however, that instead of offering me help with my mortgage, they instead offer me something the big corporations have: legal assistance.  You see, due to numerous complaints, local law enforcement is considering having our guys being subject to a "perp walk" in front of TV cameras for the 5 o'clock news.  This would have nothing to do with financial irregularities, rather, one of engaging in public stupidity.  And for that, we need as much assistance as possible.

Course rules dictate the round to be played in 5 hours or less

A commonly held misconception about FTI is that our guys don't know how to have fun.  Oh sure, we regularly engage in grind-it-out, leading edge, out-of the box-thinking.  That's our job.  And getting there is not always pretty.  Regularly, there are hurt feelings, accusations of stupidity, uneasy alliances, and chipped fingernail polish.  In the end though, the job gets finished and the results are displayed here. Once that is done, though, our guys live by the motto:  Work hard, play hard. 

This past weekend, a couple of the guys got out on the local course and decided to play some golf.  The weather wasn't ideal, but hey, it's a chance to get out of confinement.    Here is a picture of one of our affiliates, Slateface, attempting to convert a simply "miserable" round to just a "horrible" one.    Though the rules of golf actually do allow for such a shot to be attempted, normal  players would accept the extra stroke penalty, drop a new ball, and play on.  Not our Slateface, though.  He brings this type of competitive determination, drive, and idiocy to our thinktank policy meetings on a daily basis.     This might have some connection to the comments of most of our ideas being "all wet".  I don't know what that means. 

 

My Congressman didn't address this health care issue during debate

After my various duties here at the Institute are finished, I sometimes find time to do shopping, particularly for my personal medical needs. The FTI medical staff, realizing the need for me to self medicate, have authorized me to puchase my own medicinal tonic water to mix with Gin to keep me in a state of partial lucidity in order to deal with the daftness around here.

Upon my trip to the market yesterday, I discovered a medication overcharge that is coming to illustrate the problems millions of people face when deciding how to allocate their few remaining dollars between their health and their daily living needs.  The choice was simple:  Buy the 6 pack of 8 oz bottles  of tonic for $4.99 or buy the 32 oz bottle for $1.25.  The small 6 pack offers the convenience of single serve portions without the worry of waste or stale product.    On the other hand, I could buy the larger bottle, get a couple of day's worth of use, have it go flat, and still be money ahead. 

It would appear to me that something is definitely wrong with this equation.   I do not need to consult the deep thinkers I supervise to realize that someone is making a frigging killing on this whole thing. I know the outrage of the debate over costs of the healthcare plan currently before Congress.  I just hope they can settle it and get the costs of tonic under control.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

A case can be made for wearing a helmet

A little self promotion today.............

Our idiot IT team, in order to raise their stature as the most reviled dept here at the Institute, has earned a temporary reprieve for developing a method to place our favicon (the little portrait of me)in our header.

Previously, we were saddled with the Blogger "B" in this position, but now we have a brand logo like the "real" Bloggers. It is our sincere desire that this new addition will enhance our status and reputation as a serious organization dedicated to an alternative method of thinking not found anywhere else.

Upon further reflection, I have realized, "Who am I trying to fool?" One look at this website, not unlike a collection of postings generated by post-operative head injury patients and it is obvious. We will never attain that status. At least, the picture looks good.

Jukebox: I remember a lot of parties with The Midnight Special

I guess the 20 year reunion might be a little awkward

"Hey, do you remember raiding the girl's locker room? And that time when we had the drag race in the parking lot? Or how about the time I robbed you?"

"God, those were good days."

Dear Dicky

The current economic conditions have resulted in a number of people of being out of work and trying to find employment.   Try as I might to get rid of some of the help around here, I have met strong resistance to cleaning house and upgrading the level and quality of thinking done here.  Thank God for the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe; it's the only reliable, consistent, steady "voice" that can be counted on for expertise.  The rest of our idiots would be better suited in  pursuing their career goals in either the fastfood preparation or housekeeping/laundry segments of industry.    Regardless,  I relay this background as a premise for the point of this entry.

A number of self-help articles, success tips, and general advice columns have been increasingly written to help people sharpen their skills to find employment.  In order to sharpen our critical thinking skills, we at FTI are constantly engaging in mental exercises to raise our mental abilities to an "adequate" level.  I gave our staff the directive to write their own type of general advice column in the 3rd person to share and be critiqued by the rest of the team in order to attain this "adequate" status.  Here is an example of what one of our members, Dicky the Peap, submitted:

Dear Dicky,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted  him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Dicky

Obviously, we have a lot of work to do.

There's one born every minute

While conducting our weekly counseling session with Gummo the Balloon Boy this morning, I unhappily found out we share a common trait, something I most definitely try to conceal from everyone. Gummo is a good person, but, as a member of our thinktank personnel, he definitely possesses and exhibits thinking tendencies that would be classified as well, "odd". To share any sort of mental similarity with this individual is troubling.

It turns out that Gummo has been selected as a winner of a British National Online lottery. Amazingly enough, I just found out this morning that the Institute has also been bestowed this high honor and privilege! That means, that combined with our past 2 lucky random foreign lottery selections, the Institute stands to collect somewhere in the range of $10 Million US Dollars! Imagine what kind of good we could do with that type of infusion of cash.

Though exhausted with excitement and anxious for the presentation of funds, I do temper my enthusiasm with the realization that if Gummo has also won, the fix is definitely in. After all, Gummo is on a staff that was assembled as a type of mental sideshow attraction. To share this prize is one thing; to share it with one of our own, which by their own presence of being on our staff is troublesome, I realize that perhaps our similarities are not a good thing.

An hour late, but it is still Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.