I was awakened this morning at 6 am local time by my cell phone. I normally do not have my cell phone on 24 hours, but, am out of town traveling. Unsure whether Mrs. Kfred was calling to inform me that the garage door opener was inoperable and she was once again trapped inside (pull the red cord dear; it's the manual disengage), or that it would be the local bail bondsman's monthly reminder about the Institute's past due corporate balance, I groggily answer the phone. On the other end is a cheery, chipper, pre-recorded voice informing me that I was eligible for "bailout" assistance on my current home loan. Apparently, it was determined that I deserved this assistance due to my excellent credit history and the fact that the government wants homeowners like me to have the access to bailout funds "just like the big corporations".
I do not have the luxury of confirming these statements on the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe as it does not have remote access capabilities. I do know, however, that instead of offering me help with my mortgage, they instead offer me something the big corporations have: legal assistance. You see, due to numerous complaints, local law enforcement is considering having our guys being subject to a "perp walk" in front of TV cameras for the 5 o'clock news. This would have nothing to do with financial irregularities, rather, one of engaging in public stupidity. And for that, we need as much assistance as possible.