Gummo? Hell, the guy can't float on water, let alone in the air

The recent uproar over the past few days over the "balloon boy" hoax in Colorado has created some confusion for various people. Some of our readers have inquired into the health and pending punishment to be meted out to our affiliate, Gummo the Balloon Boy. Let me attempt to clarify this issue.

The 6 year old boy in this story is not to be confused with our own Gummo. During the time the Colorado incident was occurring, Gummo was sick in bed suffering to the affects due to a severe latex allergy. Gummo has been repeatedly warned of staying away from the Institute's weather observation equipment (our own slightly rusted, often inaccurate, FTI outdoor Thermometer) and had nothing to do with  this particular incident.

Interestingly enough, we did receive an application earlier from the boy's father to join us as an affiliate member. Over the weekend, our search committee reviewed his application, studied his past accomplishments, and evaluated his role in the recent incident. Based on the ensuing media circus and questionable intent of his actions, they have recommended that he not be offered a fellowship with our group.  The concensus was that this individual's high cognitive ability to execute this hoax was far superior to anything our group could concoct and, as a result, would demoralize the rest of our staff.  Translation:  He's smarter than our guys.

It's green Sunday!

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Jukebox: Welcome back from Retirement

Well, it was Brown and it has my driver's license in it

Unfortunately, other than the criminal tendencies, this guy shares the thinking capabilities of the majority of our staff.

Do I get a 10 minute break as well?

I note that the minimum wage is actually going down in the state of Colorado and could do so  as well in 10 other states.  This could be especially harmful to the results of this blog as we could potentially be affected by this.   Our cheap-ass Board of Directors are constantly looking for ways to minimize costs and what better way than to pare the compensation of the contributing thinkers?  All of our staff and thinkers work at this wage level to start with.

On further reflection and review of the past 90 days efforts, however,  I have come to realize this could be a good thing.  The content to date has been fairly estimated to be that of efforts worth $1.00 hour.  Or, to put it into perspective, equal to the compensation most babysitters earned in the 1970s.  I  see many similarities between  that babysitter's duties and my position. 

Sometimes we have to chew out our own

I just got off of the phone with one of our affiliates,  The Green Comic.  He is normally always upbeat, cheerful, and basically a positive person.   Today, however, he was a little grumpy and his affiliate status here at FTI is in great jeopardy.

In a matter of a 6 minutes and 26 second phone call, he was able to singlehandedly slight black people, handicapped people, and was threatening to target small children next.   I pointed out to him that he had no business slighting anyone as not only does he re-use other people's jokes and material, (hence his name,) but also  he himself was an avowed idiot whom is subject to immediate dismissal at any time.  The mere activity of pondering the loss of his prestigious position with our higher level thinkers here immediately transformed his attitude and I am happy to report he has reverted to his imbecilic ways.  Welcome back.

A public confession and private question

Freako Deako and his wife came over for dinner last night.  Mrs. Deako is a wonderful lady; normal, sane, and level-headed.  Her only weakness is that somehow, she is attracted to Freako.  Regardless, though this one character flaw is epic in proportion, it does not change Mrs. Kfred's and my perception of her being a terrific person.  Freako, on the other hand, is just well, a Freak.  His inclusion as one of the affiliates here at the Institute is nothing we trumpet publicly, but, rather admit begrudgingly only when legal depositions are being conducted.

I point this out only for accuracy sake and to also take an offensive position in a public forum  should there be any question that we have stacked our staff with intellectuals that have no equal.  I have no doubt that there are any equals to this band of weirdos, wackos, and misfits.  I just am troubled why I have to be the one whom is forced to interact with them.  What have I done wrong?      

Just doin' our part for the environment

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Security? Who would want to waste their efforts on us?

As author of this blog and chief administrator at this rinky dinky Institute, I sometimes have to face some criticism and accept comments in reference to the postings made here. Granted, most of it is meaningless as it is usually mindless drivel from our own staff.  The fact that they are associates in the first place confirm this position.  Sometimes, however, automated spam can be generated and posted here that has nothing to do with the subject topic.  Again, this same statement can be made of the writings of the contributors to date, but, we do try to acknowledge their lucidity at the moment. 

The tight ass Board of Directors, however, are highly image conscious and are always  worried about criticism of the Institute from others let alone automated robot generated spam.    They collectively got their panties in a wad and inquired if our idiot IT department could attach some spam Prevention questions to the comment section.  This way, anyone sharing comments would have to answer the question and at least we would know it was not automated spam.  It was decided a simple question would be asked:  "In what state is the Institute located"?   After an hour's argument between the answers of Denial, Disrepair, and Disarray, it was decided to forgo this complex security procedure and just allow the comments as they came in.  Of course, everyone knows the real answer:  Confusion.

Jukebox: Hey McLovin, I want to introduce you to these guys

I guess I will just eat an apple a day

Ah, the annual decision making process of healthcare plan selection is upon me.  Costs are exploding and no organization is immune from trying to control expenses.  We covered this earlier when the healthcare debate was in such a rush before Congress and at that time, I had a funny feeling the do-nothing, meddling, cheap-ass Board of directors were considering this option. Sure enough, a memo was circulated today that this plan will be the only plan to cover the Institute staff for 2010.  

Being Executive director here at FTI does have some perks, however.  As I am an exempt, at will employee, I do have the option of  enjoying the same gold plated, "Cadillac" level, plan currently enjoyed by the Board.  They actually get to see live specialists who swear for you. 

Could it be that fate is tempting me?

If this blog suddenly goes dark and I turn up MIA, I can assure you, I will be in some exotic location  rapidly throwing off any remaining vestiges of being associated with the knuckleheads at the FTI.  Let me explain. 

I have to go out of town on some non-institute business for a few days.    While making the appropriate hotel reservations, the clerk mentions, "oh, you got the lucky confirmation number.  I was wondering who was going to get it".  The number:  771177.  My hotel of choice:  A casino/resort hotel. 
Then, I make a phone call to renew my prescription from a mail order pharmacy as I am heavily tranquilized most days in order to deal with the morons you have been previously introduced to in prior posts.  I give the customer service person my phone number and she says, "oh, that's my lucky number."  I asked her how a phone number could be a lucky number.  She said it just contained the digits she has found to be lucky. 
Hmmmm, I am starting to see a trend here.   I have to believe things are looking up for me.

Why looky there!  The woman next to me at the 21 table just got dealt a pair of Tens.  And she wants to SPLIT THEM!!   I knew this was too good to be true. 

Sorry, I'm already posting Google links to supplement my income

Let's see, 10% for taxes, fees, and telephone calls, huh?  Ok. 

I just received an email today from a lawyer in Burkina Faso, a small landlocked country in Africa which is ranked 7th to last place of the Human Development Index.  Translation: This place sucks.  As you can see, this guy is looking for someone to represent as next of kin, an African engineer who died, and had $13 Million US dollars squirreled away. The lawyer will cut me in for 30%, pay the aforementioned 10% miscellaneous charges, and keep the remaining 60% for himself.  Anyway, he wants some basic information and I will be on the path to untold success and riches.

I thought this event was too good to be true and decided to run it by a couple of my most trusted friends and financial advisors, Freako Deako, Rat Bastard G, and Dicky the Peap.  All were in agreement that, though this was a fantastic opportunty,  there was something definitely wrong with this offer.  Something just didn't ring true; didn't "smell" right.   Finally, after 3 hours of poring over every word and deciphering every phrase in the letter, it hit them:   It had been there the whole time and they had overlooked it.  10% for phone charges!?  Don't they know if you bundle with Qwest, you get unlimited local AND long distance calling for only $99 a month?  Hey, we're not as dumb as we look.

Engage the auto-pilot. Let's go straighten this mess out.

The cheap-ass FTI  Board of Directors will not  allow me to fly 1st class as they consider it ringside seating.  No wonder you pay a premium.

We're Green one day a week

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.


We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Here's proof in a graph form

Today is my wedding anniversary. Through thick and thin, Mrs. Kfred has been there for me. Of course, we have had disagreements, but (and it pains me to say this), she has usually been right.

For a number of years, though,  I have increasingly had the suspicion that I have been coming out on the losing end of most disagreements, but, couldn't document it as such .  I assigned our Statistical Analysis team to see if they could verify some data and, by golly, they hit one out of the park with this easy to understand graphic. The beauty of this representation is that it is not case specific.  It would apply to any married man.  Good job, guys. 

Oh, and dear, I will  always love you.

Jukebox: We always get this answer

Nice to meet you. And how do you know these guys?

At any party, there is always small talk among the guests. People who had been complete strangers with one another 2 minutes earlier are now chatting and finding similar details about their experiences and connections.

One of the tools at our disposal in generating this daily display of self-humiliation is the ability to know how people got to this site. That is, we know which search terms, which keywords, which questions asked to the various internet search engines, brought them to our site. Imagine our shock and surprise to discover that instead of the terms we had imagined would drive readership our way, the actual terms were something else. Instead of "intelligent analysis", "flawless reasoning", or "creative alternatives", we instead are being referred to for people who searched for "What should I pay my receptionist", "that German engineering", "make money posting google links" (we're going to update that story in a few days) and my favorite, "flatline investing".

To those of you who searched for answers about these terms(if you are courageous enough to hang around and still be viewing our site), on behalf of all of us here at FTI, I apologize. Coming here for answers to those type of queries is like making an appointment to discuss your finances with Warren Buffett and ending up taking advice from Zelda, the Bulgarian Mystic, at the carnival sideshow. Well intentioned, but misguided.

You're better off with the devil you know

While doing a little page maintenance recently on this site, I noticed a feature that I hadn't paid any attention to in the past.  And I thought that the FTI site was a little odd.   Ha!  We got nothing on the competition! 

Allow me to explain. (I could have had one of our idiot IT guys try, but, the entire geek team was hypnotically engaged in a fierce, virtual firefight with some wizard priest sloth-monkeys from Zoltar 7 and couldn't be torn away from their screens to help.  It's sad to see grown adults, staring at computer screens, mouths open,  cursing at animated figures.  )   Anyway, this site we publish on is hosted by the "Blogger" team.  They provide the framework under which we publish.   At the top of our page is their logo, a search box, and  a hotlink on the term of "Next Blog". At the risk of sending you to a competing site that is also vying for your reading attention, I encourage you to take the plunge.  (I do recommend opening in a new window, however, as some sites don't allow you back here, the land of sanity, um   normalcy, damn it, that's not it either, uh regularity.)  If you thought we had a monopoly on weirdos, wackos, and misfits, I would beg to differ. 

Here are some of the subject topics I observed: A Filipino woman who loves to play Farmville on  Facebook and describes her progress daily;  a lonely, heartbroken woman who has centered her entire blog around her breakup with her boyfriend and chronicles it hourly (well, almost);  a Korean teenager who posts with the same abbreviations she uses to text message on her telephone, and (I swear this one is true,) one consisting of nothing but pictures of women's underwear.  Some of it is interesting, some of it is different, all of it is weird. The websites. Not the underwear.  Now, thinking about it; yeah, the underwear, too.  

I don't think for a minute we have anything superior to anyone else's website content and am not  disparaging  them.  Different strokes for different folks.  It's just that they don't have a Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe to evaluate their statements, they don't have a cheap, meddlesome Board of Directors who won't mind their own business,  and they sure as hell don't have one ringleader who is supposed to oversee their trainwreck of a website and given a fancy title of Executive Director.   I am afraid, though, that right now, Vladimir in Russia is stumbling across this site, trying to figure out what this is all about, shakes his head, elbows his brother Petr, and mutters "этот парень - идиот".   Sadly, we have heard it before.

For the English translation click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* This guy is an idiot! *

Jukebox Bonus: 4th Chair Trumpet.

This is too good to wait 'til our normal Friday Jukebox.   If you ever played in the band in junior or senior high school and never made 1st Chair, you will understand.