Truly. Shoot the messenger.

The idiot IT guys (the most reviled department here at FTI) have done it again.

In recognition of our upcoming first year's celebration of existence and as a surprise for yesterdays weekly staff meeting, they decided to have a custom made cake ordered and delivered. The cake was to have a picture of our entire team on the top as a means to celebrate our teamwork. The image of our entire team was on a thumb drive that one of the guys left with the baker to access when creating the cake. Unfortunately, the message was not properly explained to the baker and a misunderstanding of placing the image that was of the thumbdrive rather than an image on the thumbdrive was relayed to the baker.

Is it a wonder we have issues? These guys are idiots.

It only happens once a year

It was brought to my attention over the weekend by the FTI Archive department that our first year anniversary is rapidly approaching. The exact date cannot be actually determined as a formal launching was never enacted, however, based on our earliest post, July 15, 2010 appears to be our birth date. I'm not sure there wasn't a trial run or two before that date, but, for appearances sake, we will go with it. We will discuss more of this later in the week.

To celebrate our first birthday, our PR department suggested we have some type of event to note the occasion. I was thinking along the lines of another summer picnic with the Weirdo's and surrounding neighbors and maybe a small toast to mark the milestone with a keynote address by a local judicial official praising our efforts on humanitarian grounds. The PR guys, on the other hand, were thinking something a little more traditional. I inquired as to what type of event they were thinking and they suggested a mattress sale where all mattresses are on sale at or below cost, where everything must go, regardless of loss, cost, or value. I immediately rejected this idea as we don't have any mattresses. This was then immediately countered with the idea to hoist me into the sky for 72 hours in a crane and I wouldn't be allowed to come down until all of the Misfits had an adoptive parent. I 86'd this one, too, as I could well be in the air for a couple of weeks based on that type of criteria.

I have scheduled this as an agenda item for our weekly staff meeting later this morning and hope to have some type of meaningful discussion address this topic. Whatever the outcome, I can assure you of one thing: Make sure you bring your camera. You will never remember it all.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Jukebox: On a train tonight

Hey, I am not your Father's Barney Fife

We are pretty self sufficient here at FTI and can usually attend to most of our needs. Our 24 hour 'round the clock staff include our previously chronicled landscaping, legal, medical, safety, and always hapless, most reviled, idiot level, IT teams. Most days, they can attend to the urgent incident at the moment, but once in a while, do fail. Like recently.

The compound has a circular drive that has had a persistent 4 to 4:30 early morning motoring visitor, whom turns off his lights, makes his circle, and then leaves again. Our security team has been unable to identify this visitor and I wanted some answers. I have not noticed any damage or anything out of the ordinary as a result of this, but, there have been some other incidents in the surrounding area that are suspicious and do not want the compound to be used as pit row. As a result, I, as Executive Director, worked out a tightly choreographed, precision timed, high tech plan to investigate a bit further: I donned a black sweatshirt and sat in a chair in the bushes with a high powered flashlight. Placing my garden cart in the drive to act as a barricade, I sat and waited. Sure enough, as earlier surveillance had shown, this guy comes down the street, turns off his lights, and begins to make the loop. He sees my cart in the drive and immediately stops. I then leap out of the bushes and have my flashlight beam directly in his face. "OK. Hey! Get that light out of my eyes! " I am 6 feet tall (even without my pointed Executive Director's ceremonial crown) and tried to use all of it as an intimidating presence. I demanded to know who he was and what he is was doing while I still had his face covered with my high intensity 6 volt flashlight. He again protests about the light, but, I am not backing down. I repeat my command to tell me who he is and what is he doing. It comes to be that my visitor is the newspaper delivery guy who is too lazy to make his last delivery across the street, stop, reverse up, and go back around. It's just easier to fling the last paper, make the loop around the compound, and take off again.

Normally, I am not an aggressive person. As mentioned earlier, there have been some incidents in the neighborhood that are a bit troubling . I don't take the newspaper, the compound is private property, and quite honestly, there is no need to use the drive as a convenient turnout. I know I scared the poor bastard shitless. Not because of my towering presence, stern voice, or intimidation tactics with the flashlight. It's because I asked him: Do you know this property is FTI? I know we will have no more problems.

Just describe yourself as an "Attendant"

I experienced a different kind of event yesterday. It doesn't happen often to me and certainly hasn't happened recently since assuming my Executive Director position here at the Institute.

I received a call from an acquaintance I hadn't heard from in nearly 5 years. This gentleman and myself used to be pretty good friends when we worked together before I became acquainted with FTI. We would room together while traveling out of town to conferences or meetings. I had stayed at his home a couple of times while attending trade shows in his town. Mrs. Kfred and I had met he and his wife while on vacation to specifically spend time with one another. Just people enjoying each others company and spending time together.

Then, we both moved on to other jobs; he into the banking world, and of course, me into the mental health caretaker arena. When I picked up the phone yesterday, he answered, "I haven't talked to you in a couple of years". I immediately recognized his voice and we took off from where we last spoke five years earlier. It was great.

As I noted in the opening, this type of event does not happen often. My status as Director, here at FTI, has actually discouraged a lot of my old acquaintances from further interaction with me. Hopefully, he doesn't ask too many questions inquiring into my true involvement around here. I would hate to scare him off again.

Speak up Sonny, I can't hear you

HURRY! YOUR ATTENTION IS NEEDED IMMEDIATELY!!

I received this warning on the outside of an envelope from the good people of Money Magazine's "Senior Services Division" over the weekend. I found it kind of amusing; not for the fact that it came from this division of the organization, rather, the offer involved.

I am 51 years old. Can't help it, can't change it, don't care. My age is my age. I have most of my teeth, my hair is beginning to gray around the temples, and am now just starting to rely on reading glasses. Other than that, I am in pretty good shape. Though Mrs. Kfred constantly reminds me to grow up whenever I make some sexually based comment or innuendo, I feel, for the most part that I act appropriate to my age (unless I start conversing with the Rat Bastard G. Then, any type of maturity immediately disappears.)

Money magazine, however, has targeted me as a potential reader and wants to add me as a subscriber. Though I appreciate the offer guys, I have one question: Where the hell were you when I needed you!? Included in their offer are the free Money 100 Best Mutual Funds, Best Places to Live, Best Investments, Investing for College, Real Estate and Home Improvement Guide and 401(k) check-up publications. Here are the results of my experiences that each of these publications addresses: My one attempt at a Mutual fund has been a money loser, I currently live at the FTI compound, my investments suck, both Kfred Jrs. 1 and 2 have finished or are finishing college without your advice, and my 401(k) is in the toilet. Thanks for the offer. It's only about 25 years too late.

If I want true financial freedom, I already have a model for wealth: Dickie the Peap. I'll just do as he has done. Head for the Men's room about the time the check is due to arrive at the table.

It's Green Sunday with a Red, White, and Blue Twist

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past. Like most fireworks, we can't guarantee there might not be a couple of duds, though.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Jukebox: This is what it's all about

Ok, I'm glad you know

I encountered a sales technique yesterday that I am thinking about employing here at FTI.

Relaying back to our earlier purchase of the replacement FTI CRAP Vehicle, our 2 faithful readers will recall the various features on the vehicle. My 6 month trial subscription to Sirius satellite radio was about to expire yesterday and I called them to inquire about renewing. Having reached the "next available Sirius satellite counselor", I was pleasantly informed that I had made a great decision in calling and deciding to renew my subscription and was asked my name and account number. I immediately identified myself as the Executive Director here at FTI and pointed out that I was merely calling to inquire of the various pricing packages available to me. (Stealing a page from Dickie the Peap's favorite book, "The Tightwad Chronicles", I informed the counselor that money was tight, I was disabled, and inquired if there were any senior discounts available.) Though none of these ploys worked, I was informed of my ability to receive the 3 year package including all Sirius stations for $349 payable in 5 easy installments and that they would need just a little bit of information to complete the process. The people at Sirius know how to sell. They are selling something that they immediately assume you want.

This technique is known in the sales world as "The Assumptive Close"; it is assumed you are calling to buy anyway, so, lets just get on our way and we will both be done. It is actually very effective because most people can't say the word "No". I had this problem previously, but, have now recognized it and plan to deal with it accordingly. Unfortunately, the damage has been done. Had I been able to say NO while negotiating with our state Attorney General, I wouldn't be at this rinky dink Institute. Had I been able to say NO, I wouldn't be overseeing this band of losers; had I been able to say NO, instead of our given name as the Flatline Thinking Institute, FTI wouldn't be anonymously referred to as Fatheads, 'Tards, and Idiots.


From now on I will just assume that people know our plight.

Is Elvis on staff?

I received a call yesterday from a writer who wants to do a portrayal story of the Institute and me for an article in an upcoming edition of Mental Monthly. Supposedly it would be a piece on how our work here at FTI has been a positive influence on the Misfits, how our help has enriched their lives, and how our unique perspective is actually a benefit to the community at large. As I am unfamiliar with that publication and unsure of the ramifications of such an interview, I told the writer I would have to discuss it with our FTI Board and get back to him.

The cheap-assed Board of Directors are very excited and think I should go through with the profile. The added exposure, heightened awareness, positive PR, etc., etc.; yeah, yeah, I have heard it all before. In my research, however, I have found some issues that make me a bit hesitant. Mental Monthly is actually referred to in the trade as Moron's Almanac due to it's strange coincidental similarities to the old World Weekly tabloid. The writer who contacted me is, in fact, a former managing editor to the old World Weekly tabloid and once stated, " If someone calls me up and says their toaster is talking to them, I don't refer them to professional help, I say, 'Put the toaster on the phone'. This same publication also profiled a cruel surgeon who re-attached a pair of conjoined twins after they failed to pay their medical bill for the initial surgical separation he performed. I'm just not sure I want to expose my reputation to this type of analysis.

One thing is certain, though. These same people know all about BatBoy. No wonder they are interested in learning about Gummo, the Balloon Boy.

Idiots. They're everywhere.

The cheap-assed Board of Directors have instructed me to investigate the possibility of a worldwide outreach program. The goal would be to find other circumstances where our services and type of thinking would be applied. In preparation, I decided I needed to try to recruit some individuals with a foreign perspective that may be of use to us. Needless to say, I didn't have to look very far to find an example:

A drunk driver trapped after overturning his car cracked open another can of beer while he waited for emergency crews to rescue him, a New Zealand court was told.

Police found the man trapped in his overturned Ford Laser on June 1, drinking a can of beer after he failed to take a corner properly and crashed through a wooden barrier, flipping his vehicle.

Authorities said the man found he could not open the doors, realized "he had nothing else to do at that point, so he had another beer."

Though there is certainly nothing funny about drunk driving, we here at FTI do take solace in knowing that a foreign exchange program involving our group of idiots with other idiots worldwide is not an unrealistic goal.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

What exactly is heating up again?

RSVP's for our upcoming FTI Summer pledge drive had been noticeably slow until it was disclosed that former VP Al Gore has been invited as our keynote speaker. Our hope now is that this escapade may actually highlight the idiocy we toil under and actually help people make guilt contributions.

Mr. Gore ran into a little problem recently and here is the Taiwanese interpretation of what may have happened. Believe me, no one here at FTI is smart enough to come up with this type of stuff.

Jukebox:........Feel like I was born to lose

Well, your skills appear to be transferrable

I currently am traveling out of town on non-Institute business and have left the Institute unmanned. Giacommo is a capable assistant, but, unfortunately granted himself an unauthorized leave of absence and, as a result, we have no reliable leadership managing the Misfits.

This entire incident actually highlights a problem I didn't realize we still suffer. Our planning for leadership succession via a written proficiency test or drawing straws has been previously studied. However, chain of command protocol demands that someone of an authority figure be on premises at all times.

We recently did receive an application for employment from a zookeeper whom had been downsized at his previous place of employment. I'm not sure that he wouldn't leave at the first opportunity to get back into that particular field when an opening came available. He did, however, have an enduring quality that captured my eye while reviewing his application. He offered to bring his own nets.

A look forward

I received my yearly Social Security projection statement in the mail yesterday and it is a bit surprising. Though I am close to 2 decades away from even thinking about retirement, it gives me a glimpse of the type of monthly income I can expect to receive when I actually do retire. Putting aside all of the political rhetoric as to where to place blame for the whole Social Security fiasco (and adhering to the official FTI political party line that all elected bastards are liars), I do wonder about my financial future.

As our 2 frequent readers know, ours is a non-profit venture; I receive no direct compensation from the Institute for my efforts here. The state does send a small monthly caretaker stipend in return for my supervision of the Misfits, however. Our steadfast refusal to display any pennies-per-click ads in our area of cyberspace prevent us from collecting a little bit of extra dough, so, basically, I rely on my real job, Mrs. Kfred's part time income, and the belief that Dickie the Peap actually is loaded to such a degree any "crumbs" I happen to pick-up in his wake may well sustain me. Gummo, the Balloon Boy, and the Rat Bastard G have their own special needs and though Gummo has me designated in his will to acquire his bicycle upon his demise, the actual pawn shop value would be no more than perhaps $15. Not exactly big money.

When I retire, I want to have the freedom to go places without worries of money. Throwing all caution to the wind and abandoning the rock solid values I have practiced for years, I am seriously considering making a dramatic life changing financial move: The RV pictured above can be purchased for a song. Due to the current economic crisis, the owner is forced to part with it for pennies on the dollar. I think it would look great, with Gummo's bike on the top and the bumper sticker: "We're spending the FTI endowment fund."

I can always use this

Father's Day was yesterday. I really don't need a day set aside to be honored by my sons, but hey, if society is going to have one, I will be there. It was sort of drizzly and wet outside; not, the sun soaked type of day you see in the ads where "Dad" is posing on the golf course in his new knit golf shirt. I didn't do anything special, and yet, it was a fantastic day.

Kfred Jr's 1 and 2 are both amazing men. Both are like me, but Thank God, are not me. They have some tendencies in their own personalities, political views, preferences, and habits that I don't agree with, and yet, I wouldn't change for a minute. I want them to be them. Recently married Kfred Jr 1 is beginning his 3rd month of married life and I am confident will be a successful husband. He is caring, attentive, and mindful of his new wife, Goldilocks. They will be fine. Kfred Jr 2 is home for a few weeks and is beginning his final year at West Point this fall. He is decisive, highly principled, and hard working. Just the type of personality that tomorrow's society will want leading our armed forces. Both are smart, quick witted, and have a sarcastic edge to their humor. (Credit to Mrs. Kfred on these traits.)

One of the neighbors came over and mentioned her husband was a bit down. She said she suspected that he was a bit miffed that neither of their sons had acknowledged his recent birthday or even called to wish their Dad a Happy Fathers day yesterday. He said it was ok, and surmised they were busy, they had a family, they might be out of town, etc. but, she could tell it bothered him a bit. I felt bad. Both of my guys told me I was the best Dad in the world and each told me they loved me. No shirts, no barbeque tools, no neckties, no power drills. They loved me.

Man, what a great Day.

It's Reduce and Reuse Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.


The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Jukebox: the June Anthem