Speak up Sonny, I can't hear you

HURRY! YOUR ATTENTION IS NEEDED IMMEDIATELY!!

I received this warning on the outside of an envelope from the good people of Money Magazine's "Senior Services Division" over the weekend. I found it kind of amusing; not for the fact that it came from this division of the organization, rather, the offer involved.

I am 51 years old. Can't help it, can't change it, don't care. My age is my age. I have most of my teeth, my hair is beginning to gray around the temples, and am now just starting to rely on reading glasses. Other than that, I am in pretty good shape. Though Mrs. Kfred constantly reminds me to grow up whenever I make some sexually based comment or innuendo, I feel, for the most part that I act appropriate to my age (unless I start conversing with the Rat Bastard G. Then, any type of maturity immediately disappears.)

Money magazine, however, has targeted me as a potential reader and wants to add me as a subscriber. Though I appreciate the offer guys, I have one question: Where the hell were you when I needed you!? Included in their offer are the free Money 100 Best Mutual Funds, Best Places to Live, Best Investments, Investing for College, Real Estate and Home Improvement Guide and 401(k) check-up publications. Here are the results of my experiences that each of these publications addresses: My one attempt at a Mutual fund has been a money loser, I currently live at the FTI compound, my investments suck, both Kfred Jrs. 1 and 2 have finished or are finishing college without your advice, and my 401(k) is in the toilet. Thanks for the offer. It's only about 25 years too late.

If I want true financial freedom, I already have a model for wealth: Dickie the Peap. I'll just do as he has done. Head for the Men's room about the time the check is due to arrive at the table.