Thursday, July 8, 2010

Hey, I am not your Father's Barney Fife

We are pretty self sufficient here at FTI and can usually attend to most of our needs. Our 24 hour 'round the clock staff include our previously chronicled landscaping, legal, medical, safety, and always hapless, most reviled, idiot level, IT teams. Most days, they can attend to the urgent incident at the moment, but once in a while, do fail. Like recently.

The compound has a circular drive that has had a persistent 4 to 4:30 early morning motoring visitor, whom turns off his lights, makes his circle, and then leaves again. Our security team has been unable to identify this visitor and I wanted some answers. I have not noticed any damage or anything out of the ordinary as a result of this, but, there have been some other incidents in the surrounding area that are suspicious and do not want the compound to be used as pit row. As a result, I, as Executive Director, worked out a tightly choreographed, precision timed, high tech plan to investigate a bit further: I donned a black sweatshirt and sat in a chair in the bushes with a high powered flashlight. Placing my garden cart in the drive to act as a barricade, I sat and waited. Sure enough, as earlier surveillance had shown, this guy comes down the street, turns off his lights, and begins to make the loop. He sees my cart in the drive and immediately stops. I then leap out of the bushes and have my flashlight beam directly in his face. "OK. Hey! Get that light out of my eyes! " I am 6 feet tall (even without my pointed Executive Director's ceremonial crown) and tried to use all of it as an intimidating presence. I demanded to know who he was and what he is was doing while I still had his face covered with my high intensity 6 volt flashlight. He again protests about the light, but, I am not backing down. I repeat my command to tell me who he is and what is he doing. It comes to be that my visitor is the newspaper delivery guy who is too lazy to make his last delivery across the street, stop, reverse up, and go back around. It's just easier to fling the last paper, make the loop around the compound, and take off again.

Normally, I am not an aggressive person. As mentioned earlier, there have been some incidents in the neighborhood that are a bit troubling . I don't take the newspaper, the compound is private property, and quite honestly, there is no need to use the drive as a convenient turnout. I know I scared the poor bastard shitless. Not because of my towering presence, stern voice, or intimidation tactics with the flashlight. It's because I asked him: Do you know this property is FTI? I know we will have no more problems.


  1. You scare most folks shitless during the day.

  2. Hey Kfred, I've foud your blog....

  3. You're the guy that throws rocks at the neighborhood kids, aren't you! Come on...admit it!


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