Uh, We're kind of Sorry

This past week has been themed around the incompetence of American Airlines for disallowing  my bag to travel with me when I returned from Dallas, Texas last weekend.  At that time, I held American responsible for the troubles and adopted them as an involuntary affiliate member here at FTI due to their ineptness, stupidity , and lack of common sense in dealing with a minor situation. Due to the dogged determination and investigative skills of the FTI Research team, an added co-conspirator has also been identified.   And of course, I want them to get their due recognition as well. 

It has been uncovered that the  co-party responsible for this screw-up is, in fact, the Transportation Security Administration, a division of the US Department of Homeland Security.  These are the people who man the metal detectors and then paw over you like a 16 year old on a second date should you trip it; so pleasantly practice their customer service skills by barking "shoes off!, shoes off!"while standing in line to go through the above mentioned metal detector; and so animatedly stare into an x-ray machine hoping they run across a set of fingernail clippers that they can confiscate as a threat to airline security. 

For their part, American Airlines, sent me a computer generated email response that cited phrases in my original complaint.  In it, I was instructed that I could access the AA website, drill down  3 times deep into the bowels of the AA website to find out,  in fact, I was a screw-up for not checking the baggage in earlier.  I have never denied, ultimately, I was at fault.  My complaint is that the simple lack of common sense and flexibility would have made it easier for all of us involved; both AA and me.   I would have had my bag; their customer service people would have been able to speak with a potential paying customer for a future flight rather than arguing with one irate for 30 minutes after  a completed flight.  As I see it, that formula doesn't seem to be one that generates new revenue. 

In conclusion, I am over my snit.  I am prepared to release American Airlines from FTI affiliation after Friday of this week.  ( I still have one more  whack I want to give them, yet.)  We wouldn't even think about adding the TSA as an official affiliate:  We have plenty of incompetence practiced by the staff.  They certainly don't need to learn any new techniques.   

I think it looks nice

Teaming up with Mrs. Kfred last evening, I finished trimming the Christmas tree  in the Executive Living area of the FTI compound.     There is so much involved with the decoration task:  deciding if the tree is straight in the stand, is there  enough room against the wall to walk by,  is a branch  being bent, are the ornaments hung in the wrong place, etc.  If I do say so myself, the tree looks very nice and highly festive.  There normally is a little stress associated with this task resulting in the usual  hurt feelings, raised voices, pouting, name calling,  and ultimately, tears.  (We haven't even discussed the reactions generated by Mrs. Kfred under these circumstances.)   In the end, though, all was forgiven and the affected half of the team got over it. 

I have it on good authority that over at American Airlines headquarters however, a different scenario took place.  Apparently, "the computer", dictated that the  tree in their lobby would potentially be overweight as initially planned to be decorated.  Much debate went back and forth between management and the decoration committee and ultimately, management (you know, the group whom programs "the computer"), prevailed.  Here's a shot of their current tree.   Aren't computers wonderful?

FTI Recommended Reading

Normally,  I don't recommend books for the readership here.  I like to read and actually am in a book club with Mrs. Kfred, but,  choose to refrain from sharing my choices here.  Mandatory FTI reading subjects, however, are different.   The Complete Worst-case Scenario Survival Handbook with such topics as How to Thwart an Affectionate Costumed Mascot, How To  Carry a Date Who Is Passed Out, How To Steer Your Bike Down A Rock Face,  not only are mandatory reading for the staff, but actually , in some cases, penned by some of our staff and affiliate members.

Interestingly, one ominously titled chapter, How To Get A Job You Are Not Qualified For, would appeared to have been used by the Vice President in charge of Customer Service/Baggage issues over at American Airlines.   It can only be assumed that the particular Vice President in question never  read (and as a result was not able to learn) How to Foil A UFO Abduction.  Obviously, the alien got his brain.

It's Lost Luggage Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Lost Luggage Sunday.  Today starts a week of posts themed around the incompetence of our first idiot corporate affiliate, American Airlines.  We're still trying to get someone with an ounce of sense or intelligence at American Airlines to answer our complaint and, as a result, we haven't been able to address other matters. 

We're glad you're here, though. Unlike American Airlines, we have policies of which we inform our readers.  As a result, today we have  implemented a new "lost luggage/prior posts" policy here at FTI.      No spilled liquids, no smelly socks, no embarrassing marital aids.  Take a look here , rifle through some of our past columns, and see if you missed anything that we have previously packed from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Doing What We Do Best

Due to our position in the community, most self-respecting corporations and companies avoid any type of link or mention of their identity with us here at FTI.  As Executive Director of FTI, I understand brand imaging and am aware of the reluctance to be grouped with unsavory individuals or questionable organizations.  To date, our strenuous selection process and monitoring of the  level of incompetence, indifference, and total idiocy equal to the staff here at FTI  has never found any corporation engaging in  this type of behavior..............until now.  After an experience yesterday, however,  our first corporate affiliate has been identified as equally inept as Gummo, the Balloon Boy, Dickie the Peap, Commando Barney,  and the rest of our losers.  And that is not the recipe for a successful business model.   Ladies and Gentlemen, I introduce American Airlines.  (Earning a mention in our highly coveted "Government/Public Facility" Ineptness category is DFW Airport.  That will be explored at a later time)

While finishing up my non-Institute duties in the Dallas branch of Dilbert-land yesterday, I had an administrative person pre-print me a boarding pass to avoid the line at check-in.  Arriving 45 minutes in advance of the plane departing, I planned to go to  the desk, get the luggage tag, check the bag,  and be on my way.  Finally reaching the agent after 15 minutes of waiting,  I was informed that I was 4 minutes late in checking my bag and as a result, I could board, but, the bag would be on the next flight to my destination 5 hours later.  Apparently, "the computer" had cut off accepting any more baggage within 30 minutes of departure.  (Results produced by the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe during subsequent analysis last night were inconclusive on this statement).    Arriving, I was told that American would not pay to have the bag delivered as it was "your fault" for not having the bag ready on time.  Of course, the fact that I was electronically checked in, but, had not personally spoke with the agent; that Dallas is the location of American's headquarters and major hub; that American had 3 agents on duty at 4 pm on a Friday afternoon at the Gate 28-29 counter area to service the 3 lines of approximately 50 passengers waiting to be processed; and that nowhere on the boarding pass or on the American Airlines website concerning preboarding policies was this discussed seemed to sway anyone I spoke to .  So, it's a trip back to the airport to retrieve my luggage. 

Upon reflection, I understand this type of behavior; I experience it on a daily basis.  To practice this at the level equal to our own, though is noteworthy.   If you ever have the choice between American Airlines and a blind burro to get you somewhere capably, choose the mule.  After all, "We know why you fly.  We're American Airlines".

Jukebox: It's that Time of Year

Now, here is a sales tip

Well, I have arrived  at my out of town location on non-Institute business.  7 hours late.  And none too happy.     Unfortunately, I can't seem to escape the scrutiny, ridicule, and embarrassment that doggedly follows me when the three letters, FTI, are brought up. 

While checking in at the airport yesterday morning, I was asked to verify that my name and the one on my ticket matched.  I immediately provided my official FTI ID badge, adjusted my headwear, and readied myself to proceed to my gate. The gate agent look at my ID badge, looked at me, checked the badge again, and stated, "Uh, sir. We have a problem".   I realized that the act of adjusting my hat  had vastly altered my looks as compared to that on the badge and promptly removed it.  At this point, the agent cocked her head, narrowed here eyes, and repeated, "Sir, did you hear me?"  I pointed out that the hearing results of my recent physical with the personnel at our outsourced FTI medical facility, Tijuana Medical Clinico and Gringo Coffee, (Our Espresso is Bueno!") noted my hearing was normal.  She replied, "Then, what is this?"  Apparently, the Green Comic had thought it would be hilarious to steal my badge,  switch my image with his , and see what would ensue.  I eventually cleared up the misunderstanding and was finally assigned my seat between two large hulking individuals ("We're grain salesmen from Omaha") with crewcut hairstyles and earpieces.  I was able to get some rest after the ordeal and have arrived ready to fulfill my duties here. 

Upon arrival, I bid my seatmates a hasty goodbye and went to retrieve my bags.  We must have bonded in the air as I did notice them constantly observing me from the time we landed until I caught the cab.  I did point out to the two salesmen that, perhaps, if they were a little less shy and  improved their listening skills while speaking with the customer, their sales might increase.  They didn't seem too interested in listening to what I had to say.   I guess you are only as good as the people around you.

Santa!? Santa!? Have you no shame?

Unfortunately, even the Christmas season is not immune from the sophomoric behavior of our team.  I instructed the staff to decorate the compound here at FTI in festive Christmas lights as we usually try to have a nice display for our neighbors as an offering of goodwill and to thank them for not complaining about living within such close proximity of us year round.    I assigned Gummo, the Balloon Boy, to decorate the staff wing.  Here is the result.  Is there any wonder why I have health issues?

Now, to tie up some of those loose ends

A little bit of housekeeping from this past week:

The Boomerang effect noted this past Monday is real.  Based on a closer observation of our staff during the recent Chrismas light installation party here at the Insititute, the syndrome couldn't be clearer.  This team is a bunch of idiots. 

The cheap-assed Board of Directors conducted an emergency budget session to approve my request for additional funds for repair of our sewage treatment system.  Previously, my pleas for funds had been ignored, but, when I pointed out the fact that our reputation was now in jeopardy of actually fulfilling itself, literally, I couldn't have received the money quick enough. 

The controversy over the authority succession plan is still not settled.  It was decided that a written proficiency test should be  part of any evaluation when considering candidates for the position of Executive Director.  Unfortunately, the only tests our members are adept with are those that involve a jail nurse, a small plastic cup, and a  restroom.  Anything else is  beyond their abilities. 

I can't get away from this place next week fast enough.   

 

Jukebox: Look closely. Some of our Staff are in this video

Well, we could draw straws

A recent event has exposed a major flaw here at FTI that has never been addressed. This may, however, be a problem that has no solution.

I am scheduled to be out of town next week on non-Institute business. It has been pointed out that we have no succession plan of leadership to conduct business in my absence or sudden demise. This is a huge problem. The problem is that we have no qualified candidates to assume these responsibilities. I have studied parallel circumstances to attempt to find some solution, but have been stymied at every turn to date. For example, upon the death or incapacitation of members of Congress, there have been instances of spouses assuming the position their spouse occupied. Mrs. Kfred would be a logical choice to be my replacement, but, as Director of Institute Safety, she has no interest in the Executive Director position. I would not be so cruel as to saddle Kred Jr’s 1 or 2 at this point in their young lives to have to deal with this band of Weirdo’s, Whacko’s, and Misfits. Dickie the Peap would probably be the immediate and first choice to carry on our mission, but his disability prevents him from effectively fully carrying out the financial duties associated with the position. Gummo, the Balloon Boy, has some potential, but his recent admission that “sometimes, I’m a Buffoon”, immediately disqualifies him. Freako, Commando Barney, Trumpster, and the rest just are not yet seasoned enough to don this mantle of responsibility. We have a rising star in The Campus Eunuch; he may be a glimpse into the future here at FTI.  Time will tell.  In the meantime, I plan on being as careful as humanly possible to avoid any mishaps that would result in my inability to lead. After all,  who else would produce this stuff?

I wouldn't want you to think we are full of..................

While lounging in the Executive quarters of the FTI compound last night, Mrs. Kfred alerted me to a high pitched alarm occuring outdoors and asked me to investigate.  As the Director of Institute Safety, Mrs. Kfred has been a valuable member in keeping the Institute free of any time lost accidents or harmful events which would raise our liability costs any further.  (The monthly payment to our bondsman whom we have on retainer is substantial enough.  We can't afford any more insurance).  As chief maintenance officer, and at her repeated insistence suggestion, I immediately sprung into action.

Upon further investigation, I determined that the alarm was occurring because one of the effluent pumps on the waste treatment facility here at the Institute was not functioning properly. Our cheap-assed Board of Directors has repeatedly cut our budget so many times that our repair equipment for this division of FTI has been reduced to a single plunger, easily purchased at your local Home Depot for $2.49 (or free if you happen to get a door buster holiday special at the local Tru-Value). Regardless, there was trouble a-brewin'. I quickly formulated a repair plan that calmed Mrs. Kfred, ended the distracting noise, and guaranteed a peaceful night's sleep: I simply hit the "Silence Alarm" button. Of course, this does nothing to address the actual problem in the first place. It does, however, buy me time to deal with the issue in the daylight hours, call a professional, and arrange for the necessary repairs.

I relay this incident to get it out in the open. I'm sure some of our less well intentioned, mean-spirited, affiliates will try to comment, make fun of our plight, and suggest that we are full of it anyway. I remind our staff:  We are what you produce.

It's like the Boomerang effect

The long holiday weekend is over and now we can get back to the regular business at hand.  I'm anticipating our Monday morning staff meeting to be a little less lively than normal as our  full complement of staff are not present.  I think we should be able to conduct the Institute's business,  but,  I am troubled by the attitude of one of our members, however. 

During these tough economic times, I have tried repeatedly to jettison some of our members in order to get the group down to a more manageable size.  I have my preferred candidates chosen whom I feel should  go, but to date, have not been able to convince our cheap-assed Board of Directors to give me the authority to  pull the  trigger. One member in  particular has the attitude that his is a position that he will have for a lifetime and even gone so far as to state, "I'm like a Federal judge.  I'm appointed for life".  In the same conversation, he also admitted, "I'm an idiot", and "Sometimes, "I'm a buffoon".  Those  these qualities are rampant among our membership, it is not something we like to have members openly admit to the public.  The entitilement mentality and "you can't get rid of me" mindset is  one with which I constantly battle.    I am encouraged, however, that this self realization and admission of shortcomings is a positive sign as we move forward in transitioning this member into the general community.   I just wish that the general community would stop viewing the Institute as their repository for these types.  After all, that is why we have elections to choose our government officials.

It's Green Sunday after Thanksgiving

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Flying elbows. Unruly behavior. Official intervention. All done on an icy environment.  The Thanksgiving Night hockey game?  Uh-huh.  Just another round of events at the local mall the Day after Thanksgiving. 

The actions of people on the Day after Thanksgiving all to secure the prized possession at a low price are amazing. As noted earlier, I don't participate in this activity and have no desire to do so. Here around the Institute, the staff was off (literally, as in not here, though they usually aren't here mentally the rest of the time, either). A perfect day to watch some football, put up the outdoor lights, catch up on some reading, and do those little things that you normally don't get to do on a regular day during the week.  Shopping is best done for guys in the "Guy Christmas shopping period" occurring  December 22nd and 23rd.   Dicky the Peap was down at the local quarry at 4am to get a good price on a large stone so Mrs. Peap could wash his underwear, but other than that, none of our staff is cogent enough that early in the morning to make any type of buying decisions. 

What a blessed time of year. 

Jukebox: The After Thanksgiving Day Shopper's anthem

A pause for Thanks

Ah, today is Thanksgiving; my favorite holiday. I like Thanksgiving because it is the only holiday that isn't commercialized or taken over for profit. I'm not being altruistic or Pollyanna-ish.  I just appreciate the fact that family can get together, enjoy each others company, eat some great food, and relax.  I have never thought Thanksgiving has received the proper respect; it's more than a bump in the road on the calendar toward Christmas.  Everyone is in a hurry on the highway of life, but,  Thanksgiving is the "Reduced Speed Ahead" sign that safely brings our life priorities back into focus. 

Kfred Jr 1 and his fiancé, Goldilocks,  are going to join us for dinner.  Kfred Jr 2 has too short of a turnaround time to be with us now, but, will be home later at Christmas (we're anxious to see you buddy!)  I am thankful for these 2 amazing young men.  I am thankful for my wonderful life partner, best friend, lover, and thought compass for 28 years, Mrs. Kfred.  I love you dear.   I am thankful for my friendship with (this is hard to admit) the countless dimwits that serve as inspirational fodder for subjects posted  here on a daily basis:  Gummo the Balloon Boy, Dickie the Peap, Freako Deako, Marv the Neighbor, Trumpster, Ace, Commando Barney, the Boy McCoy,  and the rest.  With the antics and ideas that involve you, this is really easy to do on a daily basis.  Please, don't stop.  And finally, I thank you, the reader.  Plano, Lakewood, Spokane, Seoul, Atlanta, London, Perris, Los Angeles, Columbia.  Wherever you are, I wish you a great holiday and thank you for your support.  I'll be back tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.

My life is truly blessed.

Now, that's got to hurt

Mrs. Kfred and I had dinner over at Freako Deako's house last night.  Freako is an interesting character and I know that every time we get together, I will have more material for this site.  Last night was no exception.

Freako has a very competitive personality; he is hard charging and does not like to lose at anything.  After a great dinner, plenty of wine, and some good conversation, we decided to play a card/board game that we always play.  Guy's against the girls, Freako and I against Mrs. Kfred and Mrs. Deako.  (The women usually cheat and win but that is the topic for another posting. )  Regardless, there was a pivotal moment in the game last night when Mrs. Deako  made a strategic move that blunted the next move that Freako had planned.  Without any hesitation whatsoever, he exclaimed surprise and frustration and noted she was really "tightening the scrotum wrench now".   I have no idea what the composition of the toolbox consists of over at the Deako household, but, I do know that I won't be running over to borrow an item anytime soon.  And we haven't even begun to talk about wearing safety goggles. 

You can pretend to be someone else. Like an Executive Director

I don't understand the draw of Facebook.  I was recently invited to be a "friend" on Facebook by a person I last saw 30 years ago.  This person, as I remember her, was in a circle of people that I ran around with, was a nice lady then,  and I would assume be  the same now.  My difficulty , however, is that in not seeing her in 30 years, I'm not sure we have anything in common any longer.   Now we don't have to have anything in common to be friends, right?  If so, then why are we friends? 


After the initial, "HI, I'm glad I found you, How are you doing," small talk is completed, then what?  Do I let her decide which one of these Facebook inhabitants I most resemble. Or,  do I tell her that  my life has amounted to nothing more than ending up as Executive Director of this rinky-dink Institute?  Do I point out that I don't post much on Facebook because it is inane, meaningless, and nothing that I care about. Hold it.  That whole description sounds really familiar.  Those comparisons are hitting pretty close to home.  Maybe I will just friend her back and be done with it. 

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone that  all they are focusing on is the upcoming Thanksgiving break. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.



See you tomorrow.