Does that include one free phone call as well?

I was awakened this morning at 6 am local time by my cell phone.  I normally do not have my cell phone on 24 hours, but, am out of town traveling.  Unsure whether Mrs. Kfred was calling to inform me that the garage door opener was inoperable and she was once again trapped inside (pull the red cord dear; it's the manual disengage), or that it would be the local bail bondsman's monthly reminder about the Institute's past due corporate balance, I groggily answer the phone.  On the other end is a cheery, chipper, pre-recorded voice informing me that I was eligible for "bailout" assistance on my current home loan.  Apparently, it was determined that I deserved  this assistance due to my excellent credit history and the fact that the government wants homeowners like me to have the access to bailout funds "just like the big corporations".

I do not have the luxury of confirming these statements on the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe as it does not have remote access capabilities.  I do know, however, that instead of offering me help with my mortgage, they instead offer me something the big corporations have: legal assistance.  You see, due to numerous complaints, local law enforcement is considering having our guys being subject to a "perp walk" in front of TV cameras for the 5 o'clock news.  This would have nothing to do with financial irregularities, rather, one of engaging in public stupidity.  And for that, we need as much assistance as possible.

Course rules dictate the round to be played in 5 hours or less

A commonly held misconception about FTI is that our guys don't know how to have fun.  Oh sure, we regularly engage in grind-it-out, leading edge, out-of the box-thinking.  That's our job.  And getting there is not always pretty.  Regularly, there are hurt feelings, accusations of stupidity, uneasy alliances, and chipped fingernail polish.  In the end though, the job gets finished and the results are displayed here. Once that is done, though, our guys live by the motto:  Work hard, play hard. 

This past weekend, a couple of the guys got out on the local course and decided to play some golf.  The weather wasn't ideal, but hey, it's a chance to get out of confinement.    Here is a picture of one of our affiliates, Slateface, attempting to convert a simply "miserable" round to just a "horrible" one.    Though the rules of golf actually do allow for such a shot to be attempted, normal  players would accept the extra stroke penalty, drop a new ball, and play on.  Not our Slateface, though.  He brings this type of competitive determination, drive, and idiocy to our thinktank policy meetings on a daily basis.     This might have some connection to the comments of most of our ideas being "all wet".  I don't know what that means. 

 

My Congressman didn't address this health care issue during debate

After my various duties here at the Institute are finished, I sometimes find time to do shopping, particularly for my personal medical needs. The FTI medical staff, realizing the need for me to self medicate, have authorized me to puchase my own medicinal tonic water to mix with Gin to keep me in a state of partial lucidity in order to deal with the daftness around here.

Upon my trip to the market yesterday, I discovered a medication overcharge that is coming to illustrate the problems millions of people face when deciding how to allocate their few remaining dollars between their health and their daily living needs.  The choice was simple:  Buy the 6 pack of 8 oz bottles  of tonic for $4.99 or buy the 32 oz bottle for $1.25.  The small 6 pack offers the convenience of single serve portions without the worry of waste or stale product.    On the other hand, I could buy the larger bottle, get a couple of day's worth of use, have it go flat, and still be money ahead. 

It would appear to me that something is definitely wrong with this equation.   I do not need to consult the deep thinkers I supervise to realize that someone is making a frigging killing on this whole thing. I know the outrage of the debate over costs of the healthcare plan currently before Congress.  I just hope they can settle it and get the costs of tonic under control.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

A case can be made for wearing a helmet

A little self promotion today.............

Our idiot IT team, in order to raise their stature as the most reviled dept here at the Institute, has earned a temporary reprieve for developing a method to place our favicon (the little portrait of me)in our header.

Previously, we were saddled with the Blogger "B" in this position, but now we have a brand logo like the "real" Bloggers. It is our sincere desire that this new addition will enhance our status and reputation as a serious organization dedicated to an alternative method of thinking not found anywhere else.

Upon further reflection, I have realized, "Who am I trying to fool?" One look at this website, not unlike a collection of postings generated by post-operative head injury patients and it is obvious. We will never attain that status. At least, the picture looks good.

Jukebox: I remember a lot of parties with The Midnight Special

I guess the 20 year reunion might be a little awkward

"Hey, do you remember raiding the girl's locker room? And that time when we had the drag race in the parking lot? Or how about the time I robbed you?"

"God, those were good days."

Dear Dicky

The current economic conditions have resulted in a number of people of being out of work and trying to find employment.   Try as I might to get rid of some of the help around here, I have met strong resistance to cleaning house and upgrading the level and quality of thinking done here.  Thank God for the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe; it's the only reliable, consistent, steady "voice" that can be counted on for expertise.  The rest of our idiots would be better suited in  pursuing their career goals in either the fastfood preparation or housekeeping/laundry segments of industry.    Regardless,  I relay this background as a premise for the point of this entry.

A number of self-help articles, success tips, and general advice columns have been increasingly written to help people sharpen their skills to find employment.  In order to sharpen our critical thinking skills, we at FTI are constantly engaging in mental exercises to raise our mental abilities to an "adequate" level.  I gave our staff the directive to write their own type of general advice column in the 3rd person to share and be critiqued by the rest of the team in order to attain this "adequate" status.  Here is an example of what one of our members, Dicky the Peap, submitted:

Dear Dicky,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted  him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Dicky

Obviously, we have a lot of work to do.

There's one born every minute

While conducting our weekly counseling session with Gummo the Balloon Boy this morning, I unhappily found out we share a common trait, something I most definitely try to conceal from everyone. Gummo is a good person, but, as a member of our thinktank personnel, he definitely possesses and exhibits thinking tendencies that would be classified as well, "odd". To share any sort of mental similarity with this individual is troubling.

It turns out that Gummo has been selected as a winner of a British National Online lottery. Amazingly enough, I just found out this morning that the Institute has also been bestowed this high honor and privilege! That means, that combined with our past 2 lucky random foreign lottery selections, the Institute stands to collect somewhere in the range of $10 Million US Dollars! Imagine what kind of good we could do with that type of infusion of cash.

Though exhausted with excitement and anxious for the presentation of funds, I do temper my enthusiasm with the realization that if Gummo has also won, the fix is definitely in. After all, Gummo is on a staff that was assembled as a type of mental sideshow attraction. To share this prize is one thing; to share it with one of our own, which by their own presence of being on our staff is troublesome, I realize that perhaps our similarities are not a good thing.

An hour late, but it is still Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Heavy on the tricks, this is no treat.

Our virtual weekly staff meeting was held yesterday.  We had decided to let our thinkers  attend in their favorite costume in recognition of the Halloween weekend.  Anticipating the  normal idiocy, distractions, and general ineffectiveness  we normally experience,  we thought perhaps we could accomplish something if we allowed this type of activity.   Boy, was that a mistake. 

Dicky the Peap was in attendance as Donald Trump.  That concept alone is preposterous as Dicky IS Donald Trump.   The hair, the money.   Actually, I think Trump tries to imitate our own Dicky.  Gummo the Balloon Boy, was dressed as Abraham Lincoln and insisting that he would make Stephen A Douglass "his bitch" by the end of the day.  Marv the Neighbor  thought we were having Thanksgiving, insisted not knowing anything about dressing up, and only wanting to deep fry a turkey.   I, of course, was dressed in my best sequined tuxedo, walking stick, and bejeweled top hat befitting  the Ringmaster of a large circus.   After an hour and a half of trying to address the topics  on our agenda, I could see we were going nowhere fast and abruptly canceled the meeting.  

We have these meetings weekly.  We try to include these members so they feel they are contributing to our success here at FTI.  After re-reading the minutes of yesterdays fiasco, I can only conclude that our affiliates don't have to don costume once a year to portray someone they are not.  They already portray someone they are not:  Intelligent beings. 

Jukebox: The images are as good as the music

We need to watch our expenses

While staying current with the local news around the FTI compound, I have noticed a disturbing trend:  employees and public officials billing their company or local government for numerous personal expenses not related to their job or duties.  Not only is this flat out dishonest and illegal, I find it morally offensive.  My point, however, is not to be some moral compass for others or goody-2-shoes; rather, to highlight the safeguards and checkpoints employed by the FTI finance team.

Here at FTI, all employee expenses (mine) are scrutinized for accuracy in regard to dates and amounts.    After initial scrutiny, the expense report is then  filed in a 3 month aging bin where nothing is done or acted upon until this 90 day barrier is met. In the meantime, I am on my own for any type of payment to my bank.  Appeals to our cheap-assed Board of Directors to speed up this process has been  met to date with the same sound as that found in the middle of the forest in the summer:  *crickets chirping*.   Promptly upon the 91st day following the submission of expenses, a terse denial of all requests is issued.  I then have to resubmit all statements and begin the process over again.  I have always treated company money like it was my own and have never billed the company for my personal expenses.  Before I came Executive Director here at the Institute, I do recall an incident while employed at an earlier position where I had an expense questioned:  I put a 25%+  tip on a meal at a Chinese restaurant which my supervisor thought was extensive.  (Never mind the fact that the meal cost a total of $6.95, he thought the $1.75 was too much of a tip.) Talk about scrutiny! 

I have not billed the Institute for the mental health therapy bills I have incurred recently.  Dealing with this band of Weirdos, Whackos, and Misfits on a daily basis certainly creates the need for this type of expense.  I just hope the therapist will see fit to carry me on their books a bit longer.  My case definitely needs a long term treatment plan.

Take ME out to the ballgame!

While speaking with Kfred Jr. 2 the other night, he happened to off-handedly mention that he was going to be on national TV on Wednesday night.  Of course, I had no idea of what he was referring to and asked him to explain.  He said that he had the opportunity to attend Game 1 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium and not only would he watch the game, but, also participate in the pre-game ceremonies  down on the field! Apparently, an allotment of tickets were dedicated to his school and it was done on a first come/first served basis. 

I have a friend who lives in NYC who is a huge Yankee fan and  would love to have this same opportunity.  I  relayed this incident to him and he told me that the cheapest tickets to this game are $400 and escalate up to $2500 per seat.  And these are face values.  I'm sure the actual amount paid will greatly exceed these numbers.   

Though I am glad for the kid, I am more than a little jealous.  He will be hanging out, enjoying the first World Series game ever held in the new Yankee Stadium, being up close to the entire experience.   I hope he catches a foul ball.

No liquids before bedtime

This past Saturdays post has caused some controversy and hurt feelings which I feel a need to address immediately.

The point of the post was to comment on the untimely alert of a failing battery in a smoke alarm. I happened to compare the sound from this to the sound of the bed-wetting alarms installed in the dormitory where our affiliate thinkers are housed here at FTI. I merely thought this was the original source of the alarm and commented as such. Though they have been noted for their unique thinking, some members of our team apparently are very thin skinned as one tendered his immediate resignation, one is nowhere to be found at the moment, and two more have requested appointments for embarrassment counseling via our employee assistance program.

Having been notified of the possible shame and humiliation caused by my posting, I wish to publicly make a formal apology in this forum. I certainly did not intend to cause any harm or shame. I do, however, regret to inform our team that the raises we had slated to give to our team will now be cancelled as they were to be funded by the sponsorship by the maker of the Depends brand undergarments. Hopefully,
we won't be "underwater" because of this incident.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

You know...it's for your own good

Last night at approximately 3:23 am, I was awakened by a distinct intermittent "beeping" in the Executive Living quarters here at FTI.  At first, I thought I was dreaming, though once awaken, I distinctly heard it about every 30 seconds.  My initial reaction that it was one of the various bed wetting alarms that were set for some of our affiliates in the adjacent Think-tank dormitory, but then realized this couldn't be the case as the sound was emanating from a nearer source.   Realizing I wasn't going to be able to ignore it and fall back asleep, I got up and found the source to be a smoke detector signaling that the back-up battery was losing power.  This particular model  is designed to "chirp" to inform the owner to replace the battery on a periodic basis. 

My issue with the whole design of this device is how something  retailing at $14.95 can consistently run out of backup battery power and emit it's warning sounds ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING!  Does it happen at 6 pm when you arrive home from work and have a chance to go get another battery?  No.   Does it happen at 10 am on Saturday morning when you have the ladder out anyway and doing other fix-it projects?  No.  It happens in the middle of the night. Every time.  I don't know.  I'm getting tired with the issues around this place. 

(EDITOR'S  NOTE:  I am finishing this posting on behalf of our Executive Director as he was so frustrated with this subject, he contacted the FTI Medical Staff and requested an extra dispensation of our own FTI sedative.  Normally, he only takes one per day in order to remain lucid while dealing with the staff and his initial request was rejected due to safety reasons.  Upon further analysis by the FTI medical staff and   in conjunction with this incident, it was decided it would be better to risk a possible over-dispensation and retain his services than to have him resign his post.  Prior to his accepting this position, we had a vacancy for 5 years.  You think this stuff is odd? You  should have seen some of our results then. )

Jukebox: Let's ease on into the weekend

Gee, I guess I am just a lucky person

Hold it!  This is too good to be true!  Not once but twice, TWICE, in a lifetime does anyone ever get these types of opportunities. You see another chance has presented itself that is far too superior to pass up.

Last week, we posted about an opportunity from a banking official in Africa offering us nearly $4 Million US dollars merely by helping them transfer some hidden money out of an African bank account.  Apparently, our honesty, sterling reputation, and superior, deep seated thinking skills here at the Institute are becoming to be well regarded in Africa as we have now been offered an additional opportunity in the connection of the death of another wealthy person who has hidden dollars deposited there.  This time, though, we have an opportunity to share in over 9 Million US DOLLARS! Woo-hoo!

We obviously spotted the earlier solicitation as a fake  as there was no proof of this person's existence or record of his money.  But this one is different.  The lawyer sent me this link proving the existence and subsequent death of this rich American businessman!  Submitted to our staff during our weekly think-tank sessions, their summary consensus was simple:  "If it exists on the internet, it must be true."   The fact that this person was not married and had no children or remaining known family is insignificant.  It's just more money for us. 

We currently are working on the FTI pre-Christmas gift list.  There are going to be some surprised affiliates in regard to the lavishness of their gifts this year.  Lets' see:  a new washer and dryer combo set for Dicky the Peap, a new bicycle for Gummo the Balloon Boy, Freako Deako can get another round of shock therapy; our generosity knows no limits.  I always knew our efforts would become known all over the world.  I never dreamed people would pay us for it, though. 

Why don't you just nail it shut?

I am currently  here at the FTI Compound awaiting a maintenance contractor to take a look at one of the doors.  Our own maintenance team couldn't figure out what was wrong, so, we had to call the manufacturer and schedule an appointment. 

In a nut shell, once the door is closed, the latch  has a tendency to engage itself and will not release resulting in being locked INSIDE our executive wing.  (There is an upside to this dilemma as it does insulate us from the rest of the staff we are in charge of overseeing.)  Anyway, our guys solution was to wad up some cardboard, stick it in the latch, thereby making the latch inoperable while still allowing the door to open, and pronounce it fixed.   The keen eyed followers of this blog will notice that this type of thinking is consistent and equal to that of the rest of our contributing staff and related affiliates.  As Executive Director, however, I have a responsibility to the safety and well being of the general public to insure that the door is properly functioning so I can go out and close the main compound gate at night to  prevent any of these same near-award winning thinkers to wander off and scare the population at large.  In reflection, a better solution may be to expand our executive wing, shepherd all of the normal people into it, and keep the door inoperable.