It's Dehydration Sunday

Hey, it's Dehydration Sunday and in anticipation of tomorrow's medical procedure, we are preparing for the Grand Event.  Likewise,  the staff is also purging useless mental material and is taking the day off as well. 

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Jukebox: Perhaps, better played on Sunday?

Medic!! We Need a Medic over here!

The entire FTI  currently seems to be (or is headed for) the Injured Reserve list shortly.    That fact  is worrisome to me as the all-important spring season will be upon us very shortly.  You see, springtime is when  the Misfits come out of their collective thinking hibernation and actually produce some type of thinking of actual value.  A quick review of this winter's past 3 months of posts would confirm the above statement and it is my hope as Executive Director that the quality of output rapidly improves.  Our recent addition of 2 new members should help in that department. 

A quick roster status update:   Slateface recently had a new pacemaker installed, and though it is classified as a relatively minor procedure in the surgery world, it does sideline him for a while.  We actually requested some type of cranial enhancement procedure as long as the surgeon was "in the neighborhood", but the medical prognosis was that it would be of little value.  Freako has returned South for treatment "vacation" and is medically unavailable.  The Rat Bastard G has been laid up with a bad back, twisted ankle, and severe dandruff.  His prognosis is strictly day to day.  Dickey the Peap is  paralyzed with fear to grab his wallet and is part of  clinical trials for a medication to combat alligator-arm syndrome.  Unfortunately, even I am subject to the downturn as today marks  Day 1 on my low fiber diet in preparation for an early  Monday colonoscopy appointment.  (NOTE TO FTI PERSONNEL:  Though verbal jabs, insults, and sophomoric attempts at literary superiority are expected, I will be documenting this behavior,  referencing such, and considering it during personnel evaluations later in the year).    I have never had this procedure performed before and am actually not worried over it as much as I am of the preparation that is required before.  I went to the pharmacy yesterday to get the required medication/laxative that I need to take on Sunday and even the pharmacist remarked, "Yeah, this stuff doesn't taste very good".    Oh boy, I can hardly wait.  

Hopefully, we can all get over this minor bump in the road to our ultimate goal of some sound thinking.  Like the finance guys always disclaim:  "Prior  results are not an indication of future activity".   I only hope that is not the case.   

It isn't fair

Are you kiddin' me?  I work my ass off all weekend with a non-functioning chainsaw to limb that damn tree, clean it up, haul away the branches, etc and then a spring windstorm knocks down 2 adjacent trees I couldn't get too?  What the hell is going on?

I wish there was a way to retaliate against Mother Nature and  punk her back because she sure fooled me. Twice.  Once with the tree thing and then again  by passing off our population as something resembling normal.  Ultimately, I wouldn't do that, though.     Like the old commercial used to say:  It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.

Nothing but work makes Kfred a dull boy

Though my position of Executive Director here at the Institute is primarily an administrative one, I do quite frequently get involved with actual physical activity  as well.  This weekend was a case in point. 

Along with some trees of my own, Mrs. Kfred has been "suggesting" to me that I talk to the owners of some neighboring property to inquire about cutting down one of their trees as well to open up a view corridor.  Though ensconced by a 6 foot barbed-wired topped fence, the compound  is on a hill side and we have a view to some water in the distance.  Taking down these trees would be an improvement on the view.  I successfully got permission and cut down the offending tree last weekend.  I returned this weekend to limb it and remove the cut boughs.  As demonstrated by the inability of FTI landscaping crew in the past to actually beautify matters, I was worried about them actually planting trees rather than taking them down.   None of the Misfits were available to help, so,  I undertook this little program upon by myself. 

My day started with a borrowed chainsaw that refused to start up.  Despite my numerous heroic efforts to coax the mechanical beast from it's  slumber of inactivity, it was not about to have any part of assisting me in my efforts.  So, with my best Paul Bunyan mindset, I set out to  limb a damn 50 foot tree with nothing but an Axe.  Successfully completing the majority of that task on Saturday, I returned yesterday to finish the job.  I consulted with the chainsaw owner overnight whom got the chainsaw operating and was ready to complete the task in record time.  Unfortunately, the chain on the chain saw was as dull as the collective IQ of our misfits and was of no value whatsoever.  (I swear I actually heard the tree giggle as I was attempting to cut it as I am sure if there is anything resembling tickling a tree, this would have  been it.)  Finally finishing this task, I again was given the "suggestion"  that  the lawn should be mowed before it rained.  Since this was the first mowing of the season, the yard resembled the first cutting of a prized alfalfa crop any farmer would be proud to claim.  2 hours later, that task was done.   Settling in  with a tall tumbler of gin and tonic, I had dinner, watched a bit of TV, and fell asleep in the chair in no time.

I relay these experiences to demonstrate that mine is not a glory position here at FTI; actual work is accomplished here on a periodic basis.  Unfortunately, none of it is a result of efforts by the Misfits.   Hopefully, we can someday  get the Misfits up to the level of actually pulling weeds to improve a yard versus collecting them as salad greens to eat at dinner. 

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

The unpleasant Springtime Ritual

The FTI Legal/Finance team (rapidly becoming the second most reviled department here at FTI) has just informed me that they failed to "save" our 2009 tax statements and that I would again be need to be available for the 3 hour interview session for necessary information to prepare the documents. 

The fact that we as an organization are subject to possible payment of taxes, let alone that these idiots didn't record our meeting in the first place is astounding to me.  We produce no product,  output, or service of any tangible meaning.  As specified in our charter, our purpose is to "offer policy, analysis, and observations generated by the same staff that mental health professionals have identified as Weirdos, Whackos, and Misfits."  Part of the confusion is due to the finance teams inability to comprehend my position of the Institutes responsibility that when  I traded off the Institutes CRAP (Central Research, Analysis, and Policy) Vehicle from last year that I am now claiming it as a qualified deductible non-profit expense and this should have no bearing upon our current situation.    I also have to defend the act of having authorized the purchase of drool bibs and a golden silk,  highlighted with yellow rhinestones, ceremonial dunce's cap for use here at the Institute. 

I hate tax season. 

Jukebox: I think "Undesirable Ways" is the politically correct term

One step forward, one step back. Yeah, that's about right.

As posted earlier, we have added 2 new members here at FTI .  During the interview process, I had mentioned to both candidates that upon successful selection and subsequent appointments to their positions,  it would be beneficial  to attend  a simple FTI orientation  meeting to discuss our policies, practices,  and expectations.    Though not mandatory, I  have developed this overview session to help our new members immerse into the FTI "culture". 

Slateface was a no show.  This type of conduct  is not surprising to me as most of our staff have a very limited attention span and clearly have trouble following the simplest of directions. Obviously, he will meld into our population easily.    Giacommo, our  persistent affiliate, showed up at the appointed time, clean-shaven, freshly scrubbed, and determined to make a good initial impression.  Describing the parallel organization from which he arrived, I was immediately struck with his savvy, ability to comprehend a situation, and drive for excellence.  As a result, I have decided to assign him a "Trustee 1" status among our group.  (Giacommo, did inquire about the opportunities for advancement which, while commendable, I feel may be a bit premature as I have yet to see him fully interact with the balance of our staff.)  Subsequent appointments to "Trustee 11" or "Gopher-boy-to-Kfred 1" are certainly possible career goals for qualified candidates.     

I feel good about our latest additions.  As noted by the title of our post, we simply seem to tread water in the float down the river of excellence.  I wonder, however,  if the fact that  the compound has frontage  on a backwater eddy may have something to do with it. 

Organizational Announcement

I am pleased to announce that we have added 2 new affiliates to our team here at FTI  and look forward to their contributions to make FTI the success we have sorely waited for during our initial  creation and subsequent existence. 

Our newest misfit, Slateface, has been on the periphery edges of us here at Flatline Thinking for a long time. This same individual, though possessing a keen wit, is somewhat odd in his own right as evidenced by this earlier action photo of him playing golf. He does, however, bring a unique perspective to most issues and though we need another misfit like we need a hole in our head, his main duties will be to act as a counterbalance and "keeper of the fiscal dignity" in deference to the death-gripped wallet antics of Dickey the Peap.

An aggressive individual with obvious hidden problems, Giacommo, will also become a part of the FTI team primarily in a "trustee" status.  In 2005, Giacommo joined  a parallel organization and has contributed to improving that organization's  structure, personnel development, strategic planning and execution in this role. He has repeatedly asked to become a part of the FTI squad, but, we initially rebuffed Giacommo  as we felt his intellect and ability was considerably higher than  any of our staff.  His repeated insistence and determination could not be ignored, however,  and we are pleased to have him on board.   

Rather than relocating here to the FTI compound, both individuals will  remain where they currently reside and  contribute on a semi-regular basis. 

Please join me in conveying our best wishes and congratulations upon their affiliation with FTI.

It's tryout Sunday

In order to freshen the thinking and quality of conclusions arrived here, we are conducting Tryout Sunday.  Based on a startling revelation posted  in the comments section of this past Tuesday's effort, we are excited to announce the approval to add a new team member as authorized by the cheap-assed Board of Directors.    Think of it as kind of a reverse "American Idol" competition.

Part of the reason for Tryout Sunday is that the misfits can't seem to generate much worth reading; thats why we are always looking for candidates.  As proof, take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.  I'm sure you will agree we need some new blood. 

See you tomorrow.

To quote the late Alexander Haig, " As of now, I am in control....."

Ah, the weekend is finally here and I have a chance to resume my normal duties here at the Institute.   Though sometimes disheartening, there is a distinct feeling of satisfaction knowing that my efforts to contain these idiots in a single location are appreciated by all people once they observe our team.  A simple, knowing, "Thank God it's you and not me" comment solidify my thoughts that my efforts are not in vain. 

I had some visiting authority from the National Chapter of Dilbertland in town for 3 days and  spent the majority of this week attending to the responsibilities associated with that.  In my absence, the Institute has been fairly quiet. A couple of non-issues: The Institute Olympics idea was quickly scuttled as the Misfits  just cannot master (do not have?) the abilities to assemble in one place to begin the opening march-in, let alone, compete in any meaningful events to determine some sort of "winner";   Freako  Deako is coming back from treatment vacation and has requested a meeting with  Mrs Kfred and me next week to discuss our upcoming visit to  Palm Springs in March (I am considering a satellite location for the Institute); and Dickey the Peap is still in hiding. 

On the horizon, I have been  meeting with the FTI finance department in regards to the preparation of our yearly tax statements.  Our original charter mandated our creation as an agreement between us and our State Attorney General's office as restitution on behalf of some indiscretions a few of our members.   As a result, we agreed to perform community service for an undetermined amount of time at no cost.  The  FTI legal team (whom got their ass handed to them recently by my personal lawyer, Shifty),  however, has questioned that arrangement and suggested we may indeed be liable for taxes.  Note to the FTI legal squad:  We pay you guys to help us avoid taxes, not pay them!  Idiots.

Staff evaluations, leave requests, planning for the Staff Summer picnic, a pending wedding.  All part of my upcoming duties.   Regardless, Mrs. Kfred and I are off this evening to see Goldilocks perform in her newest musical, "The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs" ( It must be good, the producers extended the run and added 4 more shows).   Just remember:  "Thank God, its you and not me".

Jukebox: A great soundtrack from a fun movie

Maybe the community cable access channel has some time to fill

Noting that the Winter Olympics are currently being held in the other Vancouver,  the subject was brought up at our staff meeting yesterday that perhaps we should have our own FTI Olympics for the staff to break up the midwinter "blah's" .  

The problem, however, lies in the development of appropriate events in which  our staff would compete.  The winter snowfall has been very light, so,  the ability to make snow orderlies  is out.  The FTI wastewater treatment facility never freezes over and  is not large enough for short track speed skating.  When notified via email, Dickie the Peap volunteered to take over the concession duties as he immediately saw the opportunity to gouge visitors on overpriced parking, lodging, and food charges as a means to add to his already bulging personal fortune.    In desperation, Gummo, the Balloon Boy, suggested apartment hunting as an exhibition event.  That suggestion was soundly rejected.    

I have noticed a marked decrease in the quality of thinking produced lately and feel some type of mental diversion is in order to help our team.  I am concerned however about our team uniforms.  It will be very difficult to identify one another as the events are happening  because the white jumpsuits tend to blend together.  We already have a hard time keeping track of this bunch as stupidity does not seem to have  a particular standout trait.   During our rehearsals for the opening ceremony, the misfits came marching in  the wrong end of the FTI compound.  This is definitely not a made-for-TV moment. 

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.



See you tomorrow.

Time for some quick R & R

Mrs. Kfred and I are going to the ocean for the weekend with some friends. The Institute is located about 2 hours from the beach and since springtime has been darting about lately, I thought I would combine both and enjoy them together. 

The misfits have been behaving themselves and have recently surfaced.  Dickey the Peap is still on the lam, but, has contacted me privately to notify me of his whereabouts.  For the time being, he has chosen to take a room at a transient hotel 1000 miles away where he doesn't need to worry about losing his pants.  Gummo, the Balloon Boy, is out looking for somewhere  to stay as he was recently notified that he would need to move from where he lived before spending time with us.   He has been eyeing various locales and should have a decision between the Kitchen-Aid refrigerator packing box and the  spacious bridge bulkhead under the freeway  shortly.   (Knowing that impulsive Gummo, he will probably shoot the budget and upgrade to the abandoned school bus in the junkyard, instead.)

I have left instructions with the cheap-assed Board of Directors that they are on their own if any problems occur in the next 48 hours as  I will not be returning phone calls or be accessible via e-mail.   Like the staff, I too, occasionally try to break the tether of today's various electronic communication devices.  Unlike the staff, mine aren't wrapped around my ankles. 

But the song is certainly sane

Trade talks are heating up

While certainly having my hands full here at FTI with the present staff, I feel that I can handle the duties of managing and overseeing our collection of bumblers.    Though not a career aspiration that a normal person would aspire, there seems to be an odd infatuation surrounding our organization.  Some people actually DO want to be associated with us.  In the past, we have had some veiled and not-so-veiled  inquiries to joining the FTI network, but, I felt the caliber of thinking exhibited by the individuals inquiring  was certainly superior to our staff and I didn't think they would be a good fit. 

A director at a parallel type of organization, Giacomo, has brought to my  attention a candidate whom he feels would be a good fit here at FTI.  Like me, Giacomo has extensive experience in dealing with odd personalities and inconsistent behaviors, irrational ideas, and  unexplained absences.  He feels his candidate, CrazY, would fit in well and has suggested he be placed here.  I am well aware of the behaviors of Crazy, considered this notion for a total of about 15 seconds, and immediately decided against the same.  C'mon!  CrazY?!  The name alone implies trouble. 

Probably surprising to most readers, FTI is not part of a larger "league".  Directors of various facilities do not sit around and offer to trade staff members on a regular basis.  We don't attempt to measure which organization is more ill-suited for normalcy versus one another.  The only competition we are a part of is to avoid the race to the bottom.  Unfortunately, FTI has been at the bottom of the standings since it's inception and I don't see any imminent change in the near future.   Like our own Freako Deako, we all have  members whom typify our organizations.   We don't need another whack-job.  With deference to my esteemed colleague, no thank you. You keep CrazY.

Never doubt the power of the internet

While doing some deep analysis yesterday in studying the traffic patterns that direct readers  to the FTI website, I noticed a disturbing event that bears mentioning.  

We had a visitor yesterday whom performed a Google search that resulted in their arrival at our site.  This would not normally bear any further mention except for the odd phrase that was used to bring them here in the first place.  The reader (and I am not making this up) searched for the phrase "what do 12 monkeys and flatliners have in common?".   As proof, I challenge our 2 faithful readers to verify  by checking  here.  Right there.  There it is, the third subject down.  (I assume this posting will generate a "hit" as well since I am using those key words.  )

I began thinking:  What DO 12 monkeys and flatliners have in common and why would a Google search refer them here?  The answer:  we do have similarities! For instance, we have a core squad of 6 idiots whom are of basically the same intelligence level as 12 monkeys.  Monkeys are the "clowns" of the zoo; our team are the clowns of the community.  Monkeys scratch themselves in private places in public spaces; so do our guys.  Monkeys are kept in compounds for observation.  We have 2 readers that observe our team of idiots.

The internet has changed information gathering and how we learn in the few years of it's existence.  I only wish I had known about it's power before I arrived here at FTI.  Had I done so, I would have bought a couple of monkeys. 

An alternative Alice in Wonderland adventure

Having served my 10 Day suspension for still unknown reasons, I am now back and resuming full duties as Executive Director here at FTI.  The legal agreement that my lawyer, Shifty, negotiated prevents me from commenting about specifics of the charges in the first place.  I can state, however, that I can continue to make fiscally related budgeting behavior comments about the Board of Directors with no impunity, whatsoever.

Let's review some of the damage that occurred during my absence:

1)  The Friday jukebox franchise was tarnished with the playing of the 1980's Japanese science fiction commercial.  I have no idea what the idiots were trying to promote or display other than the Godzilla vs. Rodan movies of the 50's may indeed have been the pinnacle of Japanese entertainment. 

2)  The Sunday "green " policy, so carefully tended and cultivated, was trampled and uprooted by Gummo the Balloon Boy along with a threat to "pants" a fellow staff member, "that Nancy-Boy" Dickey the Peap.

3)  The Green Comic is flatout not funny.   

4)    The Hayward family's quiet, white picket fence, suburbia enjoying, existence and  anonymity were shattered when realizing life had dealt them  a cruel blow  by being associated with our band of do-nothings.  The stain of idiocy by association will never be cleansed.  I am sorry for you.

and finally,

5)  This site has been characterized as a "Mommy" blog.  Nothing sully's the FTI reputation for cutting edge analysis, observation, and policy direction worse than to be grouped in with writings of cupcake recipes and mini van mishaps. 

An update of the staff: The two main instigators of the damage,  Gummo, the Balloon Boy and Rat Bastard G, are nowhere to be found.  Dickie the Peap is on the lam somewhere fearing he may lose his trousers.  Freako Deako still has 20 treatments days left on his 45 day "vacation", Commando Barney is still pouting over the Minnesota Vikings probable loss of Brett Favre next season, and Marv the Neighbor just  eliminated a potential picnic menu item with less than favorable results by experimentally deep frying  a cat.    (C'mon!  The cat was dead in the first place.)

While I was gone, I met someone whom asked how I would best describe this entire FTI episode.  The best parallel I can think of is that we are something like the World Wrestling Entertainment outfit:  We've got pretty boys and we have villains.   We just don't have feathered boa's.