Jukebox: This was one of Grandpa's VH1 choices

Healthcare I can believe in

In order to spur the freshest, innovative, and most illuminating type of thinking generated from the  FTI staff and affiliates,  I insist upon the best resources for their use.   Pencils, walkmen, Commodore 64 computers.  All of it.  We scour the world (including Overstock.com) to find the best for our people; after all,  they are our number 1 asset.    Unfortunately, the cheap assed-Board of Directors do not share my commitment in regard to medical care. Our medical staff is among the finest, unfortunately, they are not given the resources to do much more than aid the errant paper cut suffered by the staff.  For more meaningful care I have to go outside of the  FTI network. 

I went for my annual physical yesterday with a new doctor.  The standard poking, prodding, listening to my chest, etc. were involved.  (I'll pass on the cheap bit about falling in love with the guy's gloved index finger.  C'mon, it's part of the  exam.  Grow up.)  The exam was going well  and he noted no discernible items of worry.  The exam took an ominous turn however, when  he asked what I did for a living.   I described my position here as Executive Director of FTI and the associated duties I am expected to accomplish.  He seemed surprised, yet interested, and asked increasingly familiar questions about FTI.  It became obvious as we conversed that he head heard of  the  work, policy analysis, and the interpretations we produce on a regular basis.   During our conversation, I noticed he discretely pushed a yellow button on the wall intercom system within the office.  Within 60 seconds, 2 large burly attendants rushed the room and I was immediately restrained and given a quick injection for, as he put it, "my own safety".    Apparently, as we had been conversing earlier, while discussing my earlier immunization schedule, he noted a lapse in one key preventive tool:  I hadn't received my anti-idiot booster.

I am pleased to report I am now updated and immune from any of the contaminated thinking produced by our staff.  I feel better already.

This isn't exactly "Law and Order"

I recently was the victim of a written vitriolic barrage authored by the Green Comic on his Facebook page that is the cause of some concern and would threaten our future ability to discipline the staff  here at the Institute.  The Green Comic did not care for some innocuous suggestions I made on his Facebook page and launched into a profanity laced tirade of written insults directed toward me ending with a sexually themed suggestion that is forbidden in the Bible and deemed illegal in most localities.  As a result, I immediately  suspended him from any future FTI activity  for engaging in official misconduct, insubordination, and over-all stupidity.  As this is a second time offense for the Green Comic,  he was recently subject to an official FTI  Board of Reprimand by his peers here at the Institute.  Allow me to retell the results.   

In most jurisdictions and under normal circumstances, the facts would be presented, a determination would be reached, and an appropriate punishment would be meted out.   Our difficulty lies in the fact that the peers of the Green Comic are exactly that; equals, similar, alike.  They don't have the ability to ascertain what is acceptable, appropriate, or reasonable.  As a result, the Green Comic  chose to have his defense overseen by Rat Bastard G, I represented the prosecution on behalf of FTI,  and the entire proceeding was overseen by Gummo, the Balloon Boy.   Both sides laid out our cases, the Rat Bastard suggesting that the Green Comic simply may have mistakenly mixed his medications on the day in question; I painstakingly detailing the anatomically impossible act he suggested I perform.  Surprisingly, the ruling was made in a swift manner.  Ultimately, Gummo, the Balloon Boy ruled in favor of the Green Comic and found him innocent of all charges.  Though not happy with the outcome and certainly wanting a harsher punishment, in the interests of justice,  I chose not to appeal  the verdict. I shouldn't have been surprised by the ruling.  The judge's reasoning is why these losers are on the FTI staff in the first place.  The reason: mental defect.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.
We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

See you tomorrow.

Another One For The Trophy Case

At first glance, the appearance of our structure  here at FTI can sometimes be mistaken for a rag-tag, disorganized,  piece-meal organization populated by a collection of losers, rejects, and  numb-o's with little to no ability.    Though this is closer to reality than not, I do feel we have instilled some type of pride and level of competence that, as described in the "Tell Us What You Want Us To Ponder" sidebar, has qualified our group to be known as "near-award winning".   This description was recently verified upon notification that a select group of representatives of FTI had placed at a recent "Deep Thinking" competition.  The competition was tough, the quandary's were complex, the scenarios near impossible.   Our representatives were up to the challenge, though.  They competed against some of the brightest and best 9 year olds in the region on a head to head basis.   Anxiously awaiting the notification, we received word yesterday that TEAM FTI had finished 6th in the Lightweight Division.  


It is a significant milestone for our team and I share this award with our 2 faithful readers as a sign that you are not wasting your time here on a daily basis.  There is, indeed, intellectual merit occurring at this site.  We have the award to prove it.  I have not notified our staff that all finishing 6 places were recognized for achievement.  Why create confusion?

Jukebox: My thoughts in relation to our staff

Hell hath no fury............

Our HR team has flagged this woman as a potential affilliate for us here at FTI. It seems if she were smart enough and devious enough to go to this much effort, imagine what she could accomplish if we told her about the practices of the guys over at AutosDirectOnline.

Customer care, may indeed, be seen in a whole different light.

I'm on my popcorn break

We at autosdirectonline would certainly never engage in these type of practices. We promise.

It's Rollback Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Rollback Sunday.  Today starts a week of posts themed around the incompetence of our newest idiot corporate affiliate, AutosDirectOnline of Cleveland, Ohio.  We're going to swing the FTI  idiot light  (get it?)on these guys  to highlight some of their business practices.    The staff is out today washing  cars in the snow, so, we haven't had much time for thinking. 

We're glad you're here, though. Unlike AutosDirectOnline of Cleveland, Ohio, we have full disclosure policies of which we inform our readers here at FTI.      No waiting in the service areas, no lost keys, no 4 hour marathon negotiations.  Take a look here , go ahead, and re-drive a couple  of our past columns.   See if you missed anything that we have previously attempted to represent as roadworthy from the past.  If you do happen to find something not completely roadworthy, hey, tough luck.  You read it. 

See you tomorrow.

If we could show you a way...........

As noted in the "About Me" section to the right, our normal duties here at FTI are to offer our perspective on various topics and to also help readers by having our near-award winning team analyze various scenarios. In meeting that goal, the upcoming week will feature our organization's analysis of a fellow blogger's experiences in purchasing a used vehicle. We hope to offer comparisons and simile's in our daily experiences with this single act. 

As opposed to most topics displayed here, for once, we actually  may know what the hell we are talking about. One of our staff members includes a "pre-owned vehicle counselor".  His placement file upon arrival here at FTI  included the notations of "highly experienced with adverse customer negotiations", "possesses extensive conversational evasion and confusion practices" and unfortunately, "mastery of memory erasure and commitment deniability".  This last skill is troublesome as the preparation for this skillset required short bursts of high energy electronic pulses to be aimed at the lower earlobe of the individual.  During the treatment, however, the technician administering the treatment inadvertently spilled a cup of coffee and  directed the pulse wave through the ear of our member, rendering him as a priority placement candidate here at FTI.  His worth has been invaluable however, as he is a perfect test mechanism when we perform our weekly routine maintenance of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe.   We question this individual on a variety of subjects, record his truthfullness, and then use these results as an opposite baseline to calibrate our device.  To date, the Truthometer Deluxe has performed flawlessly, thanks to this simple fine tuning. 

So we'll get after it, starting Monday.  In the meantime, the restrooms are down the hall, here's a balloon for the kids, some stale popcorn is over by the service area, and it shouldn't be much longer.  We really do value your business.   

  

Jukebox: For my Friend, Nancy

Understood in all Languages

The recent effort by the cheap-assed Board of Directors to "raise our level of exposure" here at FTI has taken another twist.  A member of our Board directed the MIS staff (a subsection of the FTI IT Department, the most reviled department here at FTI)  to study and make an analysis of our readership to glean some statistics for further review. 

One trend  found  is our steadily increasing viewing by foreign readers outside of the US, particularly  Southeast Asia.  As evidenced by our Flag Counter feature on the side of this blog, one can easily ascertain the location of viewers.  The Board member inquired into the ease and effort needed to translate our site into the native languages of those readers. 

At the risk of further damaging  the perception of the US and Americans, in particular, I cannot understand the desire to inflict further humiliation on the residents of these areas any further.   These people do not need to get to know about our slack-jawed staff. Why further damage US interests in this part of the world?

I understand that civil punishment in this part of the world is usually of a public nature to discourage others from engaging in the offending behavior.  The offending party is paraded through the street for display to foster shame and embarrassment.  Should this type of  event ever involve our staff,  the results would be counter-productive: the only emotions generated would be sympathy and pity.  The people would know who is suffering daily.   Me.       

You pay extra for THIS??

Our 2 regular  loyal readers are aware that my various duties here at the Institute are far and wide ranging.  Among those responsibilities are my oversight of the  FTI motorpool.  After consultation with our independent mechanic and running various "what-if" scenarios through  the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe,  I  decided to  replace the FTI CRAP vehicle   and did so this past weekend.    Our needs were very specific:  safety, fuel economy, visibility, and ability to keep the misfits secure when loaning them out as attractions to  various circus sideshows during the summer.

As you may remember, I was  entertaining the idea of a retired police cruiser as this would be a familiar sight to the majority of our staff.  Ultimately, however I decided on a new  SUV manufactured by Ford that is a bit smaller and less of an affront to society than we have previously enjoyed.  It came delivered with a  host of features, many of which I have no idea how to use.  In particular,   the vehicle has a feature that I find a bit troublesome: a bluetooth device that I can synchronize to my personal cell phone.  Working with our IT department, the most reviled department here at FTI, I am now beginning to understand the features of this device and also why computer geeks band together:  they speak in tongues.  Regardless,  the problem is that after pairing the cell phone and this device, I now have the car speaking to me and actually asking me if I want to place a phone call to any one of the misfits.  The fact that I now have to deal with this type of experience in the one place where I can actually find refuge during the day is scary.  It is a bit disconcerting to have an electronic voice robotically announce  "Calling Freako Deako" or "Calling Dickey the Peap;  Work or home?" when I think I am finally done babysitting the Doofus Squad at the end of the day. 

I am planning on taking the vehicle back to the dealer to adjust the various things I find unacceptable after 30 days.   This is definitely one of them.

Do you really think so?

It "might be indicative of a larger issue".  No truer words were spoken by a government official. 

My recent jihad against American Airlines has finally made someone wake up at the FAA.  Though I can't take credit for this latest decision for added oversight, the new scrutiny over landings should extend to other areas of this airline's operations as well.

Do you think I am still a little exercised over this one?

Hangover? No, this is how they always think

Hey c'mon, it's New Years Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the fact that I gave them this weekend off.   

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The misfits are scheduled to be returning this evening to start the brand new year tomorrow.  See you then. 

Day 1, Threat 1

It's barely the New Year and already the lunacy begins.  Yesterday's Jukebox choice symbolized (and I quote, "It's only the Beginning,  it's only just a start) the launch of a beginning, the first step, the commencement of a new chapter here at FTI.   Ominously, an event occurred that is not a positive first one.   Gummo, the Balloon Boy, has threatened the Institute, and me personally, with legal action for invasion of privacy.  I find this threat meaningless, groundless, pointless,  (EDITOR'S NOTE: The author included 5 other words ending in -less that  have been removed due to space considerations)  without any merit, and moreover, the actions of an (EDITOR'S NOTE 2: the term "assclown" is unknown to any of us.   For the sake of further potential legal action, it too, has been omitted). 

The alert reader will refer to our earlier post of 2 days ago of Baby New Year 2010.  I posted a picture of Baby New Year to signify the re-birth, the hope, and the potential of the coming year.  I do admit that the face of baby New Year is that of Gummo in his early years, but, would only be recognizable to the rest of our staff and affiliates.   Certainly, the 2 faithful readers we retain would not recognize this individual today.    Gummo countered, however, that the posting  had caused him embarrassment, shame, and ridicule, and was threatening to pursue damages against us.  The FTI legal team determined  that the standard of judgment is what a "normal" person whom knew  Gummo would ascertain from the image.  I am pleased to announce that those people,  in no uncertain way, would confuse him with potential or hope.  After all,  that is why he is on our staff. 

One day in and this is what I get.  Oh, the joy.   

Jukebox: And the start of a new decade

2009: It can't end quick enough

I think it is safe to say that none of us can get rid of 2009 fast enough. With that being said, thank you for your support, comments, and readership. I appreciate the loyalty of you 2 faithful readers and hope 2010 will bring happiness and prosperity to both of you.

To the band of Weirdos, Whacko's, and Misfits here at FTI, I don't see how the future could be any more dismal than the present you currently endure.  It is my fervent hope the governor grants my plea to have each of you placed at a more secure facility for the good of society.  One can only hope.

Order from the convenience of your own home

The cheap-assed Board of Directors notified me yesterday that they have taken it upon themselves to hire an independent, outside consultant to help them explore different ways to "raise our level of exposure" here at FTI as we move forward into the future. I have always worked under the assumption that we wanted to bring no added attention to ourselves due to the level of idiocy found here, but, apparently not. 

This clown convinced our Board to explore unique avenues that no one else has previously ever explored. One idea was to develop an on-line store of official FTI merchandise. We don't even have an official logo, and yet, we're talking about merchandise emblazoned with our name that someone would have around the house that remind them of us during use. At first glance, one would think "that's not very unique. Everyone has printed stuff. What's so special about that type of concept?" Ah, but the devil lies in the details. We're not talking about T-shirts, key chains, bookmarks, or ball caps. No. We are thinking stuff along the lines of FTI Doggy Pooper-Scoopers, FTI Chair Donuts for people whom suffer from hemorrhoid difficulty, and my favorite: an authentic, official FTI pencil,  actually previously chewed by one of our staff. Now that is a unique thing! Anyway, as any good consultant does before meeting with a new client, he did some advance research and produced a sample item I have displayed above. (I am considering my own legal challenge to this item as the use of this picture in my younger days is actually an invasion of privacy.)

Our reviled  IT Department has been given the task to set up all of the details of how people will order, pay, etc., so I don't expect anything meaningful to happen anytime soon.   If we ever do get up and going however, remember this one wise caveat:  Buyer Beware.

Some end o' the year housecleaning

Well, it's getting down to that time of year again.  Time to get rid of the old and bring in the new.  Time to implement some new policies,  procedures, and methods designed to assure our 2 faithful readers  that, yes indeed,  though this website is indeed a waste of bandwidth over the internet, maybe there's a glimmer of hope that something useful will eventually surface here.   

Like most major news outlets, I thought it would be good form to review some of our highlights (low points?) of the past year.   Though certainly accessible on our weekly Green Sunday random results tool, I draw your attention to these particular posts  for their ability to demonstrate the properties of what occurs here on a daily basis:  planned stupidity.  Hopefully, we can avoid these type of events in the future.  With that in mind, here are  a couple of examples:

* Pete Barbutti is our adopted musical inspiration here at FTI.  After viewing this, you will know why.

* Dicky the Peap is one of our staff members whom was unfortunately born with this affliction. Chalk this one up to simply "Life isn't fair."

* The staff picnic was the summer highlight for our team at FTI.  Gummo, the Balloon Boy, failed to heed the 30 minute swimming rule after eating and as a result ended up with cramps. Gummo, Mom is always right.

* Mrs. Kfred is highly regarded by both the staff and obviously, myself. She's on her own on this one, however.


* And lastly, our hoped for theme song as we move into 2010.

One bit of 2009 sad news that needs to be passed along:  Our local State Attorney General has informed us that we will be required to continue to perform community service for an undetermined amount of time.  The Institute's orignal charter was envisioned to be based  on need on a short-term emergency basis, but,  has now bloated to a cumbersome bureacracy.  Despite my best leadership efforts, the incompetencies continue.  Oh,  the humanity.