The prodigal son returns

One of the few rewards I recognize here is the opportunity of mentorship and ability to mold impressionable minds of certain individuals. Though, truly not an available option when dealing with the dim-witted Green Comic, idiot Rat Bastard G, or cheap-screw Dickie the Peap, once in a while an opportunity is afforded to me. Imagine, then, my surprise and pride when contacted by my former  able bodied Assistant/Resident Trustee, Giacommomo recently relating and updating me with his current status.

Either of our 2 faithful readers may remember his departure from the Institute over a year ago when he was recruited for a management position of a company in North Carolina. I have to believe that solely based on his affiliation and training here at FTI, his credentials, demeanor, polish, and yes, overcoming that nasty habit of pulling out his t-shirt and sneezing down his chest, met the qualifications any company would be looking for and he was swooped up and chosen. Of course, the limited budget we work on here afforded us no opportunity to make any type of counter-offer to retain him, so, we lost his services. Anyways, yesterday  he sent me a message via Linked-In (the social media site for us true, serious Professionals) that not only had he succeeded in his short time away, but, had received another promotion and was now living in the Atlanta area and quite happy! Certainly recognizing the true natural abilities and inner qualities that made him attractive as a job candidate, I take a sense of inner satisfaction knowing that he uses the thinking techniques, ideas, and rationalization gained through his apprenticeship program here at the Institute.  

I have updated the FTI Rolodex with all of his contact information for later reference.  I have a feeling it may come in handy should we ever move forward with our long sought expansion plans.  Does Georgia have laws restricting stupidity?

Jukebox: It's me versus Comcast

Move over Verizon

Construction is currently underway for expansion of the FTI Hall of Shame. I held a private induction ceremony yesterday for the newest member and, based on recent experience, feel they certainly are deserving honorees. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great ineptness (as they have demonstrated to me), I give you the folks over at Comcast Cable. Dealing with them is certainly not "Comcastic". For reference, I note they have dropped this slogan. Rightly so.

My monthly routine of paying bills was a bit different this month as I noticed my internet/cable bill had gone up $15 from the normal $129.99. I know we hadn't made any service changes or ordered any premium movies or events, so, I called Comcast Thursday to inquire about the difference. It turns out I  was charged a "prorated" $15 for the month for HBO service. Now, I maybe watch a total of 20 hours of TV a month. That's it. We have 150+ channels here at the compound and I think I view the same 4 regularly. I have so many because of the bundling of features along with my internet service I originally picked a package over 6 years ago that was most economical and, yet, delivered the stuff I wanted. One of the services was high definition broadcasting for both of the TV's located inside the Executive Living Quarters. HBO was thrown in 6 months ago as an incentive when I had an earlier issue, but, I really don't watch it that much and was prepared to let it go away. In speaking with the customer representative on the phone, it was obvious they don't want to lose any customers. I have read that customers are increasingly turning to Netflix and internet streaming programs to their computer versus traditional broadcast methods, so the cable companies are losing out. She made me an offer to allow me to keep the all of the same services I had, waive the $15 HBO charge, and move me to a $99.99 per month package for 1 year guaranteed. "Let me get this right: Same Services, waive the fee, keep the HBO, all for one year for a hundred bucks a month. Is that right?", I asked. "Yep, pretty cool, huh?", she replied. "OK, sign me up", I told her. I hung up the phone and thought I had scored a major deal.

Coincidentally, about the same time, Mrs. Kfred, our Institute Director of Safety and Chief Judge Judy viewer (we both LOVE Judge Judy), called to mention we had lost service on one of our TV's.  She called Comcast herself as well  and was advised that the control box was old and to return it for a replacement. I thought that as an odd coincidence, but, hey, whatever.  She did so on Fri and waited for me to return to the compound later in the day expecting me to set it up. It really is a pretty easy switch-out and I did so with relative ease.  Firing everything up, I noted that our high definition channels were blocked with the message that I needed to call Comcast in order to "order this service".   I go to the other TV, switch on the high-def channels, and everything is functioning perfectly.  Hmmm.............something is haywire here.  I call Comcast again, run through their automated phone tree maze hoping that somewhere, somehow, a real live someone will pick up the phone and I can resolve the matter.  Finally "Julio" answers the line and I explain to him my predicament.  He investigates my account and finally asserts that my new $99 monthly package DOES NOT include high-def programming.  I told him of my previous agreement and he said they could add the high def service but that it would be another $10 a month and a service work order to do so would be filled within in 48 hours.  WHAT!?   Now at this point, I am a bit peeved as I had the original phone rep. repeat the terms of the offer twice so there would be no misunderstanding.  I asked to speak with a supervisor and was told there was none available at the moment and that I could call back.  I let them know that they could set their clock by my follow-up call.

Calling back within 20 minutes, I immediately asked to speak with a second level Supervisor. "Caesar" comes on the line and confirms to me that the package I moved to was not a high-def. package and that for another $10 a month, I could, indeed, be enjoying all of the great programming that Comcast offered.  I politely and firmly informed me that was not the terms of my earlier agreement and  quite honestly, did not care for how Comcast ran their business.   He profusely apologizes for my inconvenience but that he can not offer me high def. programming without the added $10 monthly charge, but, would throw in Showtime, STARZ, and Cinemax for no charge for the next 6 months at the monthly level of $109.  Figuring that was the best I could do, I agree to the deal and now all is as described.

I still haven't paid the bill to this point, so, figure I will call Comcast Saturday to confirm the amount I owe  I get a 3rd phone rep who now gives me another, lower amount due!    Though I figure if I keep calling enough times, they will eventually pay me some money, it is frustrating that there is no consistent number from any of these people.    She also tells me that my "agreement" outlines all of these terms.  I ask her,  "what agreement?"  "You didn't get an agreement?", she asks.  "I will send you one. What's your email address?"  For Christ's sake, YOU ARE MY EMAIL PROVIDER!!  YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW?  

I still haven't received an agreement, I don't know what I owe; I do, though, have high definition channels to watch.   I am going to call again today and run the gamut with them again.  I think they have a Wheel of Fortune type wheel there at Comcast Central which they spin to determine your monthly bill.   In the meantime, I am collecting memorabilia to house here at the Shrine for ineptness.  I think it will be a large display.       

Jukebox: It's not the name of a boat

The way I see it:

I have been away with what seems an inordinate amount of issues to address. I have attended to most of them and can now get back to the mindless drivel displayed here on a semi-frequent basis. With that being said (my favorite set-up line) lets just get into a couple of random observations:

If we truly want to dispense justice in the Boston Marathon bombing case and I were in charge of things, I think I could accomplish the goals of both liberals and conservatives. I could spare the bomber's life and still meet the conservative's goal of vengeance without the outrageous costs associated with death penalty cases. How? I would humanely and surgically amputate the guy's legs, nurse him back to otherwise healthy status, and then turn him loose for the rest of his life with the caveat there is no further societal financial help for therapy, new prosthesis, or any other type of further assistance. Let him experience the life he has committed others to while not taking his. That seems appropriate to me.

I am always worried when I hear the word advocate. There are advocates for the homeless, children, elderly, environment, animals. You name it. And their ideas and positions all have one thing in common: it's gonna cost me some dough. I am not saying their cause is not just or wrong, but, they are always asking for money. There are just flat out some things for which there is no available money.

I don't know if In-n-Out Burgers are truly the best, but, they set a pretty high standard. I was in Oakland last week and stopped in for a cheeseburger. Maybe it's like the Coors beer phenomena of the 70's where distribution was so tightly controlled and it just seemed to taste better because you weren't exposed to it on a daily basis. There are no locations in my local marketplace, so, I can't enjoy them whenever I want; I don't know, that cheeseburger just seemed to be the best.

And finally, a little fun:*

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." She was a bit startled by this proclamation, yet, intrigued by the derelict's intuition, as indeed, she had never found Mr. Right. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

* this incident was both Neighbor Marv submitted and approved.

Jukebox: We all work for him

It's a fun, teaching moment

I spoke with Dickey the Peap over the Easter Holiday weekend. I was surprised at both the depths of frugality exhibited by the short armed one and, yet, amazed at the training he employs in developing a successive line of little Frugal Ones ensuring the future will always be tight. Rather than me, however, being the arbiter of such an issue, I will leave it to our 2 faithful readers to judge for themselves. Making a couple of slight variations in the information input port of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe, I developed a simple visual test to confirm my suspicions, explored the possibilities, made my own determination, then ran it through the mechanical marvel for validation. As expected, total vindication was indicated.

A bit of background:  Apparently the 2 little Grand-Peaps were coming over later in the afternoon for an Easter Egg hunt.  Mrs. Dickey the Peap correctly surmised that perhaps the heat from the  brilliant sunshine would penetrate the inside of the plastic eggs being planted around the yard and melt the chocolate candy inside.  Dickey agreed and realized that wouldn't be too much fun for a couple of little kids to find melted goo around the yard and chose to cancel this event for "the kid's sake."  I suggested that instead of placing candy in the plastic eggs, he actually place a few coins or bills  inside.  They would still have the thrill of hunting the eggs and actually get something that would be of use to them in the future rather than a temporary sugar high.  Being part of no such type of thinking, the Frugal One immediately improvised an alternative plan that included both an instant reward which also could be used as a teaching aid for later in life.  I applaud the creativity, but do wonder at the "fun" factor.  ("Thanks, Grandpa.  That was a lot of fun".  Imagine the disappointment on the sweet, little, angelic faces.)     

I chronicle this experience only to share and have peer review done by our readership. The test is actually quite simple. What is pictured in this image that was included inside each of the eggs to be found:?

A)  That is a pair of small pinus sylvetris seedlings starting their life that will one day grow to be part of a strong and healthy forest eco-system.  

B)  Say, that isn't marijuana plants is it?  I hear they grow those things in the forest out there.  

C)  Those appear to be perfect  gifts for a couple of kids that will grow along side them in time.   Think of them as future, potential  stumps they could bury money under.

And the education continues.  

That's Right. We bad, We bad.

Normally the one to discover, direct, and deliver a good verbal kick in the ass, today it appears the target of my efforts appear to be myself. I actually underestimated the power, reputation, and general image of our FTI "Brand". Not realizing the impact we have upon people and entities, I obviously have something more here than what I had originally intended. Case in point: the immediate and swift backtrack by the folks over at World Entertainment.

A scant 16 hours after affiliating the slime operators of the money grabbing, thieving bastard, adult website operator to our own website here as unknowing sponsors to our efforts, the unauthorized $30 they lifted from our bank account a week earlier was mysteriously returned to the general coffers of the FTI Petty Cash fund with no apology, no explanation, or, for that matter, no request to never contact them again. Simply our 30 clams. I am a bit surprised that a request didn't accompany the funds to never mention them in the same breath again with our organization, but, on the other hand, I like to think they don't want to be messin' around with us here at FTI.

"We don't take too much shit, we take a little bit, we don't take no money."

Jukebox: He's on his way

....And don't forget to recognize our unknowing sponsor

(........Time check: The following is written on my personal time; Perhaps it is best not to surmise about me while you are reading it on company time...)

Doubling as both chief financial officer and Director of Institute Safety, Mrs. Kfred asked me recently if I had written a check in the amount of $29.95 to "World Entertainment." Knowing that all expenditures I make on behalf of FTI are scoured daily for any inconsistencies, I stated I had no recollection of such a disbursement. "Well, the bank has allowed a withdrawal from someone with this name." Checking the bank website, sure enough, a withdrawal and digital image of the "receipt" transaction was there from World Entertainment. On the receipt was a toll free 877 number along with the statement of a 30 day moneyback guarantee. Now, I figure if am out 30 bucks I might as well call and know what the hell I bought. I dial the number and am answered by a pleasant sounding woman whom sounds like she has just swallowed a spoonful of peanut butter. "Good mornidn, websur pserckskaces." I said "pardon me?" She repeats it again. Rather than embarrass myself to ask her to repeat it a third time, I said, "Look, you guys just took 30 bucks out of my checking account and I figure I ought to know what I got for it, 'cause no one asked me." She said, "Oh. Well, we do web hosting". "Web hosting?", I said. "I don't need web hosting". She replies, "No. Its for your subscription to World Entertainment, it's an adult website". Aha! I've been found out! (Negative; I have not been found out. I waste my time in a number of methods including writing this nonsense, but, with upward of 40% of all web traffic related to porn (and most of it is free), why anyone would pay to subscribe to any adult website is beyond me. To each their own. Whatever.) I gently and calmly relay to her that I did not authorize or sign up for this service. Immediately she says, "Do you want a refund?" I thought this was odd as I hadn't even got to that point, though, I was certainly going to exercise my 30 day money back guarantee option and ask for one. "We do them all the time". Obviously, this was not an isolated incident. I was given an "incident refund reference number" and assurance that my 30 smackers would be returned within 2-5 business days. We are now approaching Day 7 with no money in sight. I have the sleuths at my bank working on it, so, figure I will see something within at least 2 weeks anyway. (On a side note: It's amazing how quick they can remove money from your account, but be damn slow in returning it. I heard that a truck hauling chickens to the processing plant overturned on the electronic highway the other day and they have been having a helluva time getting it all cleaned up. Hmmm.)
Anyways, I guess the only recourse I have is connecting the folks at World Entertainment with our efforts here at FTI. I don't even know what kind of adult website they run or promote, but, hey, if our affiliation doesn't shame them into going legit, I don't know what will.

Brother, can you spare 200k?

Most serial stories follow a similar format. Lay out the premise, describe the dilemma, report the latest chapter, resolve the issue, and then repeat. It makes for a continuing story that keeps bringing people back. I, unfortunately never wanted to be in this place; I don't want to bring people back and I want this to end. Well, it's not over, but, it just took a giant step toward it.  Like 3 steps ahead.

Yesterday, we received a decision from the state Court of Appeals that the judgment debtor's appeal of an earlier decision to vacate his security bond and release the current money to us was denied. I, and my fellow plaintiffs, just picked up $95k in cash plus 2 pieces of real estate! I am not crazy about having dirt as now we have to sell it to realize the value of it. Sales around the compound are normally depressed even in the best of times and now to have another 2 hit the market won't help matters. But in the end, I don't care. After nearly 5 years of this nonsense, I am going to see some of my money back. In the meantime, the deadbeat still owes and additional $180k on top of that presently and I know he will drag that out for as long as possible, hence, the amount in today's subject line. I will have to alter the deadbeat meter to the the right of this article to reflect a more accurate appraisal of the situation and will do so after some further legal clarification.  This could, of course, be all for naught and we would have to return the money if he wins on appeal.  I don't worry about that, though, so will keep the money on the shelf until this is all over, but feel a whole hell of a lot better knowing it's back on my side of the table.   In the meantime, I am going to kick back and relax a bit.  It's been a long and winding road.  

Jukebox: I see it a comin'

Darby O'Peap and the little people

The Frugal One is in the middle of  planning for his annual St. Patty's Day bash. Preparations are currently being conducted at a feverish pace in order to meet the schedule as planned prior.  Unlike in earlier parties,  extra security has been hired to police the behavior of guests and a special  "volume-pour" monitor will be on hand to ensure that all drinks are honestly poured and not shortchanged as suspected in years past. Our 2 faithful readers will remember the hue and cry that occurred over that observation when we immediately recounted it in year's past.   After considerable editorial debate, the situation was resolved.  (EDITOR'S NOTE:   Though this entity did publish an official apology, whispers have always remained about the true strength of the cocktails involved.)  Regardless, ours is not to question, rather, merely inform.  

From renting chairs and  glassware to cleaning up around the party site, many tasks are being accomplished. This year holds special meaning as this may indeed be the last year it is conducted.  Though upwards of 40-50 guests are expected to partake, general concensus is that most revelers are finally figuring out that the lure of free watered-down Irish coffees and healthy snacks (thank you Mrs. O'Peap) is simply not worth the $8 per car parking charge, $6 table minimum , and $1 per person exit fee.

It's always those nuisance fees that kill you, isn't it?  

COMING NEXT:  We finally are going to realize our own pot of gold!

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Kfred

Ever testing the depths of my personality (Boy, there is a slow, fat one right down the middle of the plate!) I took one of those on-line personality tests the other day. The idea is to identify different traits of a person to see what "type" of person they are and how compatible to a certain situation they would be. I have always viewed these type of test as a novelty and now am almost sure of it.

The test begins with the admonishment that you can't cheat the test. There are no right answers. Just read the statements and answer them honestly. If you are unsure, go with your first reaction. OK, fair enough; that is how I trust most of those tests, anyway. There were seventy-five identical sets of statements. You are instructed to choose the one how someone judging you would want them to be answered (to form a positive reaction of you) while answering the second one with the way you truly feel. For nearly seventy of the questions, I think I answered both sets identically. Upon completion of the test and before scoring, I received the message that I should review the answers on statements that I had made about how I really feel as my answers had scored an "unusually favorable reaction"! What the Hell! There is something wrong with me for scoring as a favorable personality?

I think maybe my confusion is how the statements were worded. For example, "Most workers left on their own will do the right thing" and "Most workers left on their own will not do the right thing". I indicated on both sets of answers to the former. I initially trust all people that they are here to do the right things. I am not paranoid or suspecting of people. Likewise, "Bosses will take advantage of their employees if they can" and "Bosses will not take advantage of their employees if they can" was answered with the latter. I think most bosses realize it is better to treat people well as they will be more successful if their employees are happy and successful as well. "I have stolen an item of value" and "I have never stolen an item of value" was an interesting statement. You would initially want to answer as never having stolen anything of value, but, of course that would be a lie. I selected the first statement. I have stolen second, a kiss, time, an idea, and someone's girlfriend to name a few. And yes, when I was 12 years old, I stole a cigarette lighter. Does that make make me a bad person?

In the end, I immediately jumped to the end of the test not reviewing a single one of my questions and pushed the "Finish" button. My answers are my answers. I answered truthfully. If that makes me appear to be too good to be true and unbelievable, so be it. I always will have the simple chronicles of truth, fact, and thought displayed here on an intermittent basis as basis of proof.

Honest.

Jukebox: So much for that trust concept

Finally. Finally! Score one for the Good guys!

After all of the whining, bitching, complaining, and crying, I am not in any way ready to declare any type of confidence in the American legal system. It simply is not a very good system, but, like the man said, "it's the best we got".  (Or something like that.) A long time believer in some type of system that treats all and rewards all equally, I have seen first hand what a farce that whole concept is.  It's a load of bullshit. Make no doubt about it:  Justice comes to those who have money.  If you don't have money, you can't  play in the American justice system.  Even then, it's not a sure bet.  Thank God, my fellow plaintiffs have stuck this whole thing out and kept making the sacrifices to keep it going.     As mentioned here before, though,  I like to gamble a little bit.  I study my odds and wager accordingly.    As my dear late Father (Executive Director Emeritus-in Memoriam)  more than once advised,  "sometimes you have to speculate in order to accumulate."   I do not gamble based on that advice, but, it does serve as a basis for decision making.    Yesterday, the odds worked in my favor.  

My ongoing  battle and lawsuit with the idiot judgment debtor is approaching the 5 year mark in August.  5 years!  My fellow plaintiffs and I won not only our case and judgment, but also were awarded attorney fees as well.  That does not happen!  It just doesn't.  But, we did; and we should be able to collect.  This idiot, however, has thwarted our every move to collect and has totally frustrated us in the fact that he has escaped responsibility for his actions.  He simply has not paid what he owes.  And a lot of the blame goes to the court system for allowing him to continually stall.  Stalls cost money.  And so far it has cost us money.  To date, he had only posted a bond totalling  $205,000 while accruing a debt far greater than that.    Problem?  Yep, I am what they called "undersecured".  Finally, yesterday in court once again, all of the  "woe is me, they are going to bankrupt me, I can't pay any more, I don't have any money, we are still in appeal" etc., and rest of the lame excuses came to a screeching halt when Sleepy the Judge finally woke up and slapped our boy with the decision that he has 20 days to come up with another $85K in cash (or cash bond).  Now we're talking'.  The beauty is that added to the previous $205K, that brings us up to a total of $290K and, voila, I am fully secured!    For you novice Perry Mason's  out there, allow me to translate:  Our costs are covered.  If When he loses  his appeal, the money comes to me and the rest of the good guys.  No foreclosing, no more legal actions, no more hearings (and no more monthly lawyer bills!)  As the meter on the right shows, as of today he owes something a bit north of   $253,000.  At the present rate of interest, we can go all the way till the end of 2013 and still be owed something like $275K.  Wanna keep stalling?  Go right ahead.  I will take the 12% court ordered interest all day long as long as you want to spread it out. I've waited nearly 5 years.  I can wait for a couple of 1000 dollars more.  

Bones! Analysis! "He's dead, Jim"

Or so it felt.

I am posting this message while recuperating in the FTI sick bay.  The rhythmic, intermittent beeps  of the  single AA battery  powered monitor is the only sound in the room.  Gazing around and marveling at the tools and methods we have at our disposal here used to help heal the sick, I am constantly amazed and thankful;  the Mayo clinic has nothing on us.  Jars of leeches, rusted hacksaws, and ground leaves and twigs for making an herbal tea certainly accomplish the tasks to stop bleeding, perform amputations, or rid one of those pesky headaches that the big boys use.  And all without that expensive technology.    The cheap-assed Board of Directors took some heat when initially setting up our infirmary, but now, it appears to have been a stroke of genius.  I truly am blessed.

I will recount the immediate past history of how I got here in the first place, below.  The details may be a bit unpleasant; the mental images a bit unsettling.  Now, with full disclosure,  I suggest the weak-kneed among our readership pass on today's posting and return again another day when we discuss something more benign, like newly discovered frugal habits of Dickie the Peap.  (Who knew pocket lint could be woven into a 4 x 5 area accent rug?) In the meantime, knowing that our loyal 2 member readership falls in one of 3 categories:

a) They mistakenly set this as their homepage and don't know how to change it, so, they have to come here;

b)  They think if they click on this page enough times, they will qualify for a free prize;

c)  They come here to just to make fun of me and leave some smart-assed crack to provoke me;

I will proceed while realizing that option "C"   is the heavy odds-on favorite as the correct answer.

Sunday night at approximately 12:30 am, I awoke to my stomach gurgling and growling and a sudden convulsion that shook me all the way up to my throat; I figure I better get to the restroom.  Fast.  Kicking the covers off, I made into the restroom and stood there, Nothing.  Now, there normally aren't false alarms on this kind of stuff, so, I thought I would hang out for a few minutes.  I lifted the toilet seat and sat down on the floor next to the toilet.  Sure enough, about 30 seconds later, the wave started up from my midsection and I wretch just enough to get a bit of food out, but nothing significant.  Of course, the fact that my body gave it a full effort does not come into play.  A little or a lot, it still hurts.   I sound like a wounded Zombie as I lean over and spew.  Oh, no.  Realizing this wasn't going to be very pleasant, I wait there again for wave number 2.  As I am sitting on the floor and preparing for the next grand event,  I realize the sensation of a relaxed sphincter muscle now starting to make it's presence known as well.  Oh-oh.  Double trouble,  I am on the floor scrambling to get up and sit on the pot while furiously tugging at my underwear to clear the drop zone.  Sure enough, BAM!  Now I have got it going at both ends.  This scenario continued every half hour until 5 am with little to no sleep involved.   In the meantime, I alternate between cold shivering chills and dripping sweat  while I am on my knees paying homage to the porcelain God.  Finally, at 5 a.m. I cleared everything out and was able to fall asleep.    A bonus side effect if this whole matter?     It's so pleasant to feel that acid taste on your lips and inside of your mouth.  Of course, when I try to drink a bit of water to clear it, I end up tossing that right back  up as well.

I thought this was all related to the flu, but have since determined that Marv the Neighbor and his wife were sick as well Sunday night.  The significance of that?   Mrs. Kfred and I and he and his wife went out to dinner at a BBQ place Saturday night.  3 of the 4 of us ate potato salad.  Guess which 3 got sick in exactly the same manner?  I didn't have the flu.  I got food poisoning.  I always thought food poisoning came on quicker, but, subsequent research shows that it has a 12 to 72 hour incubation period.  I called the restaurant to notify them and, of course, mine was the first call.  I wasn't calling to threaten or beg a free meal.  I just wanted them to realize they may have a problem and to address their food handling procedures.   The manager at the end of the line was sympathetic and concerned, but, I didn't get the feeling that she thought they were involved.  Oh well.

I have had food poisoning one other time.  It is not pleasant. I am feeling a bit better today but will not be going to Dilbertland today, either.  I just am not up to my full strength.  Spring and summer are a comin'.  Picnics, barbeque's, out door meals are all a bunch of fun.  Just make sure when you load up on that second helping of Aunt Mae's famous potato salad that it has been handled correctly.  It isn't as great coming out as it was going in.      

 

Why, it's actually quite simple.....

It's a big-ass balloon.

Some simple writing rules

Writing on a semi-frequently basis for entertainment-only purposes, I face many challenges in order to keep our 2 loyal readers engaged.  Finding practical topics, timely subject matter, providing hard hitting and meaningful analysis, and  being aware of the need to observe proper rules of  writing  dictate I beware of many needs simultaneously.  The writing part is especially important as it give me credibility and the appearance of professionalism. With that in mind, I came across some rules that makes any writer's job a bit easier and wish to share a bit of them here.

*  Comparisons are as bad as cliches
*  One should never generalize
*  Profanity sucks
*  Avoid being redundant, don't use more words than necessary.  It's highly     superfluous.
*  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

I think you get the idea.  I might violate these basics from time to time, but, it certainly isn't intentional.  My purpose of this whole exercise is to get one to think.   After all, who needs rhetorical questions?    

JUKEBOX: Happy Birthday, Dear

This is a true collectors item

Mrs Kfred and I bank with the folks at Chase Bank. Through the years, they have done a good job for us and, except for one time they had to become "re-educated" about customer service, I have been pleased. They have, however, now upped their game with a convenience that is very meaningful to me.

With the advent of electronic banking and on-line deposits, I now have the ability to make deposits from the comfort of the FTI compound without ever leaving it. Adorned in my official FTI bunny slippers and smartly tailored Snuggy (That is kind of an oxymoron isn't it? tailored Snuggy. hmm, oh well.) I can use my cell phone camera to take both front and back images of any check I receive, transmit it to the bank and they deposit it into my account. Pretty cool. The beauty of all of this? This past week, one of the checks I deposited was from Dickey the Peap. The little miser had a failure in his vault last week while counting his money and a malfunction causing an emergency lockdown was commenced as he was twirling around, throwing money in the air, screaming, "Mine, mine. It's all mine". Recognizing he would be trapped and locked inside for the mandatory 24 hours before automatically releasing itself, with sirens blaring, high energy halide lights flashing, and the immobilizing sleeping gasses starting to seap inside, he somehow performed an Indiana Jones type move, leapt for the door, slid under the lowering iron wall, and escaped with only a single dollar bill. This is all meaningful as he was to meet with me to conduct a small business transaction later in the day. While doing so, he relayed this story to me and pleaded he didn't have any cash in order to close the deal. I gave him $105 in cash receiving assurances I would be paid back immediately. I actually didn't have any concerns about this, but, did wish I had some way to immortalize it. Yesterday, I go to the mailbox and, lo and behold, what do I find but a check addressed to me from Mrs. D. the P.  

Now, back to the technology part:  With the advent of the online deposit, I don't have to make a cheap photocopy of this valuable, rare, piece of paper.  I have a signed  original and yet have realized the value of it by having the bank "cash" it for me.  Win/win.    

Result? The original check is displayed prominently in a stylish frame in the FTI trophy room. I can think of no other representation of anything more valuable to me. I truly bagged the big one.

Jukebox: Today's Forecast

Like a bad habit, I am back.

The fact that neither of our 2 faithful readers have commented on my extended absence from this blog warms my heart and confirms to me that our low expectations here at FTI are at the proper level. With that out of the way, I do wish to make some commentary:

Are people surprised and is it really newsworthy that Lance Armstrong went on Oprah to admit to illegal doping and cheating while winning 7 Tour de France racing titles? What did people think he was going to tell Oprah? She really does have a way with people to get them to admit things. In an unrelated issue, we can confirm that Dickey the Peap also recently sat down for a similar no-holds-barred type of interview with the queen of talk. Show insiders are sworn to secrecy but whispers indicate that the short-armed one is going to come out and admit to years of being cheap as well.

My recent installation attempt of a rooftop based weather center here at the FTI compound was met with total and utter failure, an actual real life observation of the concepts of gravity, and ultimately, being out an additional $46.95 (plus shipping). I received a newer weather center for Christmas and while on the roof recently to install the wind meter (anonometer), the damn thing slipped out of my hands, tumbled down the frosty roof,cracked while hitting the rain gutter, came apart when landing on the deck, bounced through the railing, and disintegrated upon impact onto the ground. Lesson here? Look at the trees to determine wind velocity and direction.

Lastly, an update on the legal front: The updated judgment debtor deadbeat meter to the right has been updated and shown to reflect the amount of money we will never see. The continuing stalling and refusal of our legal system to make people accountable for their actions truly is disheartening. Once again, if you ever, EVER, contemplate a lawsuit, even when you are 100% in the right, run in the opposite direction. It's not worth it.

Jukebox: Where we are kicking the fiscal can

Hey 2012, thanks for dropping by

With 2012 headed out the door, I welcome the impending arrival of 2013. Though 2012 has actually been pretty good, I look forward to a fresh start and new beginnings the new year offers. Before 2012 exits completely, though, I do remember a small list of 2012 posts and memorable thoughts.

Trying to lose weight via the Gummo, the Balloon Boy, method of weight reduction is more harmful than good. No exercise should include a life alert alarm. The pending global warming issue has certainly not been settled in any fashion during the year and this contribution from our FTI scientific division did nothing to help the cause. Never ones to rest on their laurels, the FTI IT department, (the most hated and reviled department here at FTI)did create and implement our ongoing Example of Greed feature on the righthand side bar. It truly does serve as a reminder of what greed can eventually cost you. Lastly, the epic golf struggles of one, D. the Peap, were immortalized by this single event on a nice last summer afternoon. Oh sure, I lost a couple of rounds here and there, but, this is what it is all about. Added to my outing this past Saturday (yes, golf in December)and it's easy to see that the little miser's game is going to appear like he is playing with his hands in his pocket instead of the club when we resume again this springtime. On further analysis, he apparently is so intent on holding on to his wallet, that he does play with his hand in his pockets!

2013, welcome to my world, I can't wait to get going with you.

Merry Christmas

CHRISTMAS

The tradition continues

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all ‘round the ‘tute
The dimwits were sleeping, the sight is not cute.
The restraints were hung by the chimney with care,
It’s for their own safety and general welfare;

The misfits were locked in their dormitory with beds,
They’re really no more than slow-thinking pinheads;
And Mrs Kfred in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
He’d be the one to visit our mentally sick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called the dimwits by name;
"Now, Freako! now, Gummo! and Dickie the Peap!
Wake up you slow whacko’s; you need no more sleep!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
He knew of these idiots I suffer each day,
He couldn’t believe I had chosen to stay.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
Some brand new straightjackets he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Replacing old tethers with an all knowing smirk,
He knew the great burden I constantly bear,
Sometimes I think, "I’m in a giant daycare,"

"Now Kfred," he boomed, “Don’t Worry, Don’t fuss,
All people have seen them aboard the short bus,
Most readers know they are all mental midgets,
Their collective IQ is but one single digit”,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
“I’m glad I’m not you:  None of those idiots seem right!”

(with profuse apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

Jukebox: Well, sure it is

We interrupt this posting

After studying the Mayan calendar, meteorologists here at FTI have issued this urgent updated weather forecast. All readers should take the appropriate measures of preparation.

Why?

I don't feel very much mirth today. The shootings in Connecticut simply do not make any sense. Obviously, mental illness makes no sense and, in my mind, gun control is a waste of time. There does, however, have to be an answer of balance between these two. These incidents simply cannot continue to occur.

COMING MONDAY: A recap of my annual Christmas luncheon with Dickie the Peap.

Jukebox: Christmas getting your boogie on

Times are tough

Credit where credit is due: The Green Comic's alter ego came up with this one. I think it is pretty good.

It's a Costco thing

Just in time for the holidays, I paid a visit to Costco and noted some things that really tend to kind of piss a guy off. I might as well get them off of my chest now before Christmas, so when Santa asks me if I have been a good boy lately, I can certainly honestly answer him affirmatively.

During the holidays, Costco is a very popular spot. I actually hate going to Costco. I don't like fighting the crowds and a lot of times I feel like a salmon swimming up stream, but I digress. First things first. Anyways, I pull in to the parking lot and start scanning the parking aisles close to the door. (Hey, I am no different than anyone else.) I see one aisle with 3 stopped cars. Apparently, someone is waiting for someone else to exit a parking spot. I figure, "ixnay" on that choice and move on. I find a spot 3 aisles over further away meaning a sprint in the pouring rain, but, so what, it goes with the territory? As I am on a low speed shuffle toward the entrance, I see that the offending lane plugging car is just now pulling into the spot and now 5 cars are backed up behind them. Apparently, it's better to wait for that one spot and inconvenience 5 other people, than to pass up a spot, save yourself some extra minutes spent shopping, and get on with the rest of your afternoon. We've all been there and all done it. I don't do that anymore. No parking lot is so big that I can't walk to the door. My time is worth something. Offense #2 sends me into vapor-lock even further: The "If-it's-free-I-am-going-to-have-some-and-I-don't-give a damn-about-you-mentality." Completely abandoning any pretense of political correctness, I say this: It's usually fat people in motorized scooters who are the worst offenders. The demonstration cook at the end of the freezer section has a small toaster oven sampling chicken nuggets. (INSIDER FOOD GUY NOTE: Chicken "Nuggets" are not the same as chicken tenders or chicken breast strips. "Nuggets" are the sausage of the poultry industry. Beaks, feathers, claws, and whatever scrap meat left over from a processed chicken are pressed together, breaded, and then frozen and marketed as a great after school kid snack.) Invariably, some old bastard wearing a baseball cap emblazoned with "Korean War Vet" or a 70+ year old woman with bleached blond hair weighing around 240 lbs will aim their motorized gurney straight to the plate on the table, block the aisle, take 10 minutes discussing how they like these better than the pizza rolls they featured last week, then feign deafness when they are repeatedly being told, "Excuse me, excuse me". My experience is that more often than not, this is just a cue for the offender to grab another free sample and linger. A close second is the shopper who passes by, takes a second look and decides they want some, abandons their cart in the middle of the aisle, and expects everyone else to just navigate around their cart. "The freebies are for the shoppers; I'm a shopper, it looks good, I want some, What's the big deal?" Idiot.

There I feel better. Santa, please do me a favor: If we meet in Costco, please don't waddle over to the free cookie samples, OK? We both know you have no intention of buying them.

Jukebox: Christmas over the Rainbow

Jukebox: Some Christmas Cool

Meanwhile, back on the Legal front........

I got a bit of clarification yesterday from our co-counsel in our FTI Dopes Trial. It really does make one wonder how we function as a society, yet, also reinforces that right trumps might.

I had contacted this new guy for just a bit of "inside baseball"info as to what we could expect moving forward. We won the Superior Court trial, have submitted our brief in response to the idiot developer's weak-ass attempt at appeal, and should be collecting our dough. "Nnnnotttt so fast", says Perry Mason 2. He then lays out the nearly 18 month possible scenario timeline how both the Appeals court, and possibly, Supreme court would operate. "I had a prior client that endured a trial, two court of appeals and one Supreme Court appeal—7 years in all. The good news is they would have settled for just under $1M in the case, and at the end, received $3.2M (with all of the accrued interest and attorneys’ fees)." That's all well and good, but honestly, I don't care. I want this mess to be done and over with now. Doesn't look like that is going to happen. Oh, well.

In the meantime, I guess the Example of Greed meter just keeps spinning upward.

Ain't technology grand?

Recently speaking with Dickie the Peap, it was obvious to me that the short-armed one is all atwitter with his new "smart" telephone. Like Gummo, the Balloon Boy, earlier, he too has ditched his near WWII field model clamshell cell phone he previously had been using for something a bit more updated. The new phone has all of the "apps", and bells and whistles that the little miser finds useful. Especially of intrigue is the "TableBuster" tipping app that automatically calculates the appropriate 7.5% amount of any restaurant bill for ease and convenience, the "wallet excuse" app that generates an easy to repeat excuse of why one can't buy this particular round, and the ever useful "haggling" app that coaches one to grind down any stated price of an item to offer half of the stated amount and then whine, bitch, an moan about the price until the other side simply figures it is better to cave and meet the price than to spend time trying to argue over terms. After all time is money.

Shaking my head in amazement and disbelief, the short armed one did reveal an additional  feature of the phone that, I think, even he didn't realize was so "smart". Apparently, if you speak to the phone and give it a voice command, it will search the web for the appropriate image related to that command and return it on the screen.  It really is kind of neat.  He mentioned that when you call out "Rover", it pictures a dog.  Say "movie snack" and a bowl of popcorn appears.  I suggested he enter his name, "Dickie the Peap".    He excitedly agreed and said, "yeah, do you want to bet it will show a handsome, middle aged man?"  The conversation suddenly went silent and I heard a soft, "oh, that's odd.  Hmm."  I asked "What's the matter?"  Dickie  replied, "well, it doesn't seem to recognize given names and just returns gibberish.  I have put my name in 3 times and it comes back with this same woodworking type of image.  I guess I will have to return this phone to the store".     I said, "Send it to me.  Let me check it out.  Maybe I can save you a trip."

Of course, when receiving the image, I simply nodded my head in amazement and wonder of the ingenuity that man possesses when designing electronics.  They simply think of everything. The image related to the entering of his name is obvious: a Cheap Screw.

Jukebox: What is Thanksgiving without Alice's Restaurant?

Well at least there is room for the turkey carcass now

It currently is 4:50 am.

 I normally do not post at this hour of the morning. Am I posting because today is Thanksgiving, my favorite holiday? No. Is it because I was so excited about the turkey, the bountiful dinner, the football all day, and time spending with relatives and friends in a relaxing atmosphere?  No.  Then what could it possibly be to make one throw off the covers, fly out of bed hobbling across the room to get a pair of shoes, struggle for some pants and a shirt, while ignoring Mrs. Kfred repeated half awake questions of, "What's wrong?  Are you OK?" and fly out the door with the immediacy of running to (from?) a fire?  Why that's simple:  Its the grinding of gears and roaring engine of the passing garbage collection truck as he passes by my house.  Normally, the guy comes around 11 am in the morning, but today, Thanksgiving, I guess he wants to spend some time with his family and enjoy the holiday as well, so, he started early;  before half of the neighborhood even had put their garbage out.   I am certain he will get done early today, if for nothing else, as he only collected half of the cans on the route because THEY WEREN"T PUT OUT!

My solution was to simply put my can on the other side of the street with Marv, the Neighbor's, and then they could pick them both up together on the return pass down the street.  The truck in my neighborhood is automated and only uses a single driver.    I noted through the window that the mechanized arm on the truck made only one dump when it finally arrived across the street.  Marv's gonna be pissed.

Happy Thanksgiving.

This is hardly Shakespeare

Part of the ongoing burden here at FTI is battling the continuing perception that our best and brightest simply are losers with poor personal qualities, odd behaviors, and borderline hygiene habits. People say they are not "good enough". Oh sure, most of time the Mistfit's embarrass themselves and besmirch the brand I have so mightily struggled to build, by their actions, thoughts, and deeds. Yes, Dickie is a lousy golfer and a cheapskate. Certainly, the Rat Bastard G is obnoxious. It goes with the territory.  I get it.  I am normally a strong person. Not much fazes me.  Once in a while, though, just every so often, their pathetic efforts actually bring tears to my eyes as I realize that these morons will never achieve any type of greatness. We simply have been dealt the losers from the bottom of the deck.

 A recent competition from the local literary society inspired me to assign our staff a quick, fun, writing exercise. My hope is that it would provide them an outlet to do something a bit different and still compete with normal people on an anonymous basis. After all, their sheer appearance wouldn't disqualify their efforts or to be immediately be discriminated against as "idiot looking." Anyways, the contest was to write a small poem using the word "Timbuktu". The society offered an example and encouraged writers to create their own. Their example is published here:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

My immediate reaction was of inspiration. To be challenged to combine the skills of written prose, iambic pentameter, and geography in a single exercise would be an accomplishment. Much like playing with a ball after an accident can be a form of physical therapy for a child. my thought was "here is a task that can be fun without realizing it is actually strengthening their brain".  When announcing the task, they immediately groaned and complained that this was too hard and they didn't even know what Timbuktu was.  I told them to do some research and find out of their own and to use their own brain power to do so.   After much discussion, I allowed them to work on this task as a collaborative effort rather than individually as none singly can even determine the correct side of a piece of paper to begin. The result is here:

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent;
They were three, and we were two,
So I bucked one, and Tim buktu.

So much for the creative writing thing.

Pre-Black Friday clearance post thoughts

Getting ready for the upcoming crazy day on Friday, I hope one of our 2 faithful readers can take these thoughts and make some sense of them:

How come "Jail" doesn't have it's own personal Facebook page and map location for people to "share" with their friends?

Has everyone forgotten that the world is supposedly going to end on December 21st of this year according to the ancient Mayan calendars? I haven't hear much about that lately. Personally, I have to believe there is some secret link to the end of time and the demise of the Hostess Twinkie.

Wouldn't it be easier for Best Buy to simply offer a complete in-store turkey dinner along with low priced flat screen TV's? That way you can eat and shop without waiting in line in the cold.

Will the sport of football be eventually banned? The amount of concussions experienced by players is almost epidemic; past players have a class action lawsuit against the NFL because of them, the rules are changing to reduce the chance of them, and yet, the sport continues. Don't get me wrong; I like football. I think though, like putting Christians to the lions, I may very will witness a day when the game is no longer played.

I have a few more that will probably hit the clearance post after the holidays. Go ahead and take those now. And don't forget our low price guarantee: We'll double your wasted time back if you can find these thoughts more succinctly anywhere else.

Jukebox: I swear this was written for me

That sounds right

Have you seen the TV show What Would You Do? It's a program that uses a hidden camera to record ordinary people and their reactions to actors portraying ordinary people doing or saying things that most would object to. These uncomfortable, unethical circumstances are used as a background to observe regular peoples behavior.  Marv, the Neighbor, came across a situation and I share it here:

A  man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
midnight.  While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness. The  man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants
to catch her in  the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the  husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on  the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there
is his wife in bed with  another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's  head.

The wife shouts," Don't do it! I lied when I told you I  inherited money:
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for  our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers  tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country  club membership, and
HE even pays the monthly  dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband  lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you  do?"

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."

It's always been important; it just means a little more now

It seems to me that yesterday's America's observance of Veteran's Day amounted to not much more than support by each of the NFL teams saluting our troops and a couple of mattress store event sales. Most of the population doesn't seem to get it.

The act of Veteran's Day commemoration is simple: A celebration to honor America's veterans for their patriotism, love of country, and willingness to serve and sacrifice for the common good. Sadly, today and until next November 11, it will be forgotten by most people. And, in the past, I have been guilty of forgetting as well. But no longer. Now, I have skin in the game.

I know various feelings that are broken into categories. On one side are the feelings of worry. Of apprehension. Of fear. I really know them; they are constantly with me. On the other side, though, I do know and have seen the feelings of confidence, preparedness, and sense of right. They aren't always with me. Yet, everytime I summon them, the first set of feelings slink away in cowardice and shame. Oh, they do come back when not challenged, but they are defeated every time. Every time.

Godspeed, my son.

Jukebox: Gummo, pay attention to the rolling out of the car part

Let's go over our coverage

Now that the elections are over, we have had a bit of time to do some post event analysis to further sharpen our skills for the future. Well within our acceptable 50% margin of error, our pre-election analysis was found to be prescient, pompous, and prattle-like.

Initially disappointed with this type of evaluation, I now realize this characterization actually very reflective of our population and their beliefs:

Dickie the Peap WAS for Romney; one's got to protect that small fortune that he has squirreled away over the years, though, he seems to recently begin switching his political allegiance to Donald Trump, if for nothing else, the fact that they share the same hair style.

Gummo, the Balloon Boy, did support a fringe candidate but has now shifted his attention to ensuring that the upcoming Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade does include a balloon entry of the Toddlers and Tiaras reality show star Honey-Boo-Boo. So much for political activism.

The Green Comic will simply update some old political jokes originally told by Robin Williams from the 80's and present them as his own.

Rat Bastard G DOES not know what is going on and, as of late yesterday morning, was still awaiting election results.

Our methodology, thoroughness, and ability to sample the part of the population normally overlooked by traditional pollsters, appears to be a winning formula when the need for relevance is considered in election polling. Either that, or someone trying to avoid the support of the tin foil hat brigade would be well served to heed our results.

My turn on the soapbox

Well, it's finally here. The nearly 3 year old effort to replace (or retain) the office of the Presidency draws to a close today. And it can't come soon enough.

I don't understand the need for anyone to be in constant campaign mode, but, that is exactly what our electoral process has become. Every decision, every comment, every action appears to be committed with the intent to only result in re-election the next time around. Forget about solving today's problems. Just do something that helps the candidate the next time around. In the meantime, the world is going to hell. Of course, we, the little people, are also responsible. We vote only for our own self interest and figure "to hell with the next generation". I want "mine" now and , by God, I am going to get it.

I notice I have become more tolerant as I age. By "tolerant", I don't mean in the politically Liberal sense of the word. I mean, that quite honestly, some things are not meant to be addressed by the government and they should just butt out. You want to marry someone of the same sex? Have at it. I don't buy the argument that it will lead down the slippery slope of allowing someone to someday marry their cocker spaniel and that would be acceptable. That person would still be considered a freak. We seem to have plenty of freaks as it is. Legalize all drug use? No way. But, the War on Drugs has been nothing but a complete failure and we have spent a ton of money fighting it. Legalize pot and tax the hell out of it. Seems like a simple concept. So are you a Democrat? A Republican? I think they are 2 sides of the same coin and it's getting tiresome. Until we demand accountability, we are going to get mediocrity.

It's the American way.

Did you hear that?

Not once, but twice, this past weekend, I had the distinct pleasure of being roused out of sleep by the incessant, piercing, shriek of the rogue smoke alarms here at the FTI Executive quarters. As opposed to this incident from a few years ago, I instead was treated to the full-on, full-throated, warning capabilities of the Firex model i4618 and pronounce it to be worthy of all advantages it's manufacturer claims it has. After all, there is nothing like getting up in the middle of the night to a high pitched squeal, half asleep, bumbling around desperately trying to figure out how to deal with the incident while simultaneously being enthusiastically exorted by Mrs. Kfred to "shut those goddamn things off!". Thank you, dear. I'll get right on it.

Subsequent investigation determined one of the models to be non-functioning and apparently the cause of the problem. I don't quite understand why all of the models are inter-wired to each other resulting in all of them shrieking at the same time, but, hey, I am not that smart. I got to the manufacturer's website and noted that they have a 5 year warranty and to return for a complete replacement. Out in the mail it goes today. I attached a note asking if they could change the warning tune to Brahm's Lullaby.

It makes it easier to sleep.

Jukebox: At the Pinnacle

Our data indicates....

Noting the extreme closeness of the Presidential race, the suggestion for conducting some type of polling was raised during our weekly staff meeting this past Monday. Various polls indicate an extremely close race between both candidates with each identified as the front-runner. Our commitment here at FTI to policy analysis and event commentary while simultaneously offering accuracy, fairness, and timely delivery of issues that mean the most to our 2 faithful readers dictated some type of random political work on our behalf.

Realizing that sending the Misfits to canvassing our immediate area around the compound would result in jamming the phone lines at our local mental health center, I decided to simply conduct an internal poll here at FTI. And the results were, uh surprising. Devising the simply scientific question of, "To hell with everyone else, whom of the active presidential candidates will benefit you the most, and why?" The results are stunning:

Dickie the Peap:"That's easy. Romney. He's for us rich guys."

Gummo, the Balloon Boy: "Levon. He sells cartoon balloon's all day" (EDITOR'S NOTE: Our pollsters were confused by this answer . We had no idea what this is about. Deep research later concluded this answer is in reference to the lyrics of a 40 year old Elton John song, "Levon")

The Green Comic: "Huh? Oh I get it now. I didn't understand why all of the guys I steal material from were riffing on the President."

Rat Bastard G: "Obama. He and I both don't know what we are going to do for the next 4 years, so, I figure, what the hell.
Hey, you wanna see my scar?"

Our poll was conducted with an established error ratio of 50/50 of troubled individuals contacted during the period of October 22nd to 23rd. We feel certain these results will only add to the uncertainty already associated with this race.

Jukebox: A different (better) version of an Oldie

Hey, I am having a little dinner party. You want to come over?

HOLLAND TOWNSHIP, Mich.-Authorities say a blaze that displaced dozens of people from a southwest Michigan apartment complex may have been sparked by a resident trying to cook a squirrel with a propane torch.

Fire Chief Jim Kohsel said that the resident apparently planned to eat the animal and was burning off its fur on a third-floor deck at the building in Ottawa County's Holland Township when the fire broke out Wednesday. Flames spread to the roof. Kohsel said eight apartments were destroyed and others damaged. No residents were injured though one firefighter suffered a broken toe.

Residents were later able to return to their homes and enjoy flaming Spanish coffee's for dessert, however.

Justice Delayed is Justice denied

Once again, I simply cannot understand the depths at which our justice system will afford any and every opportunity to a wrong-doer a chance to avoid judgment. Case in point? My experience yesterday.

Having been scheduled to hear our case for determing an increase in the amount of bond needed to secure our judgment in my onling legal battle, the Idiot judgment debtor's attorney suddenly claiming that over 80 pages of documents received in the last 36 hours, she simply didn't have time to adequately prepare and so requests another 2 weeks of preparation. Of course, the fact that all but 13 pages of it is old material and is only evidence to buttress the position of the new 13 pages seems to garner a sympathetic ear from a judge who received the same info, but, failed to read any of it in advance. This, of course, is due to a county that is broke and cannot afford to add another judge to an overworked, overloaded, understaffed, and overwhelming amount of cases backed up in the system.

I am normally an upbeat person. I still think I am going to prevail. My worry, though, is that my remaining plaintiff partners are becoming as disgusted as I am and are considering, like me, to quit this whole exercise which means, ultimately, we lose and are back to square one. It just isn't right.

Jukebox: That's what I want

That's a lot of clams

The astute reader will notice the countdown clock to the right rapidly approaching the end of it's cycle as we come upon the day of reckoning for the idiot developer. Today is a milestone as we are now owed a total of over one quarter of a million dollars!

I am currently reviewing and preparing to sign an affadavit attesting to some pertaining facts to be brought up at our hearing on Friday. The details of the affadavit are tedious, but, the purpose is not. My fellow plaintiffs and I are legally owed some money. Will we ever see all of it? Probably not. Will we see some? I think so and that is the purpose of this important hearing. Unfortunately, our legal system has become so twisted and bogged down that a simple procedural hearing becomes so vast and complicated that, ultimately, no one ever prevails. What good is a multi- million dollar judgment against a tobacco company or auto manufacturer if you will never collect it? The same can be said for this case except the majority of the present award is tied up in property. I don't care about property. I want cash. And that is what Friday is about.

I have been disappointed, oh, so many times before in this case. Honestly, I have no expectations over this hearing, either. If I never see a cent of this judgment is really of no consequence to me. Wrongdoing was adjudicated and determined to have been damaging. Lies were committed and exposed. And someone has been formally and legally held responsible. And, for me, that is good enough.

My simple government policy in 2 words

I note the continuing need to make government more efficient and more responsible to the citizenry. I think I have found a simple way that would do both, plus as an added bonus, perhaps, make our mail-in election process a bit more honest. And all of it costs nothing. The process is simple.

I went to the mailbox over the weekend and noted that there was a jury summons from my local county addressed to Kfred Jr. 2. Of course, Kfred Jr. 2 is serving his country overseas and will be doing so for the next 30 months or so. As a result, I am sure his employer will probably not be willing to have him come home for a week in order to phone in by 7:30 to determine if he is available to sit in on a dogbite case to be heard by a jury. More ridiculously, this was the second jury summons he has received in over a year. He wasn't available then and he isn't available now! This incident is on top of the repeated vote by mail ballots we continuously receive addressed to Kfred Jr. 1 during each election season. He (and we) have each called the county elections office twice to notify them that Kfred Jr. 1 is no longer a resident of the county or, for that matter, of the state. Doesn't matter. They just keep coming. Now we throw them out and pay no attention to them, but, this is how voter fraud is perpetuated.

Wouldn't it seem during this current political climate, with all of the rhetoric and hot air on both sides, that someone would extol the simple practice to make government more efficient? The practice and my policy? It's called "paying attention."

Jukebox: Like the man says, "There's only one way to get something done"

Hey, I paid to let you know that

I note that Facebook is now testing an option where a person can promote their posts by paying a fee that moves your post up the newsfeeds of friends wall.

As one facebook user noted, "It would probably be useful for politicians, business owners, and narcissists, but useless for everyone else". Or, put another way: Still, nobody cares.

Jukebox: I even lost my last quarter

I'll give you a piece of the good Neighbor

I recently signed up for an account under my alter ego with Linkedin, the social media site for working professionals. Its kind of a Facebook for working people. No, you don't use it to let your friends know you are having "4th meal" at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning. (On an unrelated topic, isn't it amazing that marketers have figured out a way to describe the appearance of food during a massive drunk as "4th meal" with attractive smiling people sitting around at a party as opposed to half passed-out, cigarettes hanging out of their mouths, obnoxious drunks with too loud of music in the background, slobbering over a bunch of cold tacos? Alas, I digress.) It's more of a place where you can network with other people in your trade or outside of your trade as well. You put up a personal profile of your work experience which is available for others to see. It also is a place where job recruiters search for candidates for various jobs.

Anyways, my organizational and management skills have recently drawn the attention of the good folks of both State Farm and Bankers Life and Casualty Insurance Companies as candidates for their management programs. Now, they really don't go into detail about which skills they covet so much as an employer. State Farm was impressed because of my "initiative and relationship-building skills" that I demonstrated in my past experiences. Bankers, on the other hand, felt I "had the right mix of skills for a career as an Independent Insurance Sales Agent". I took both of these complements along with the countless thanks-but-no-thanks rejection letters over the years from employers whom always laud my "background and impressive experience, but we have decided to pursue other candidates" when searching for work and put them neatly in the garbage file. They all are meaningless. Hey guys, here's a hint: You can at least expend the energy to halfway personalize your message to me so I don't think it's a robot trolling through profiles for candidates for your half baked job. I don't need another half-baked job. My Executive Director position here more than meets my career goals.

Tempis Fugit

With the impending arrival of fall, I spent yesterday performing the "get-ready-for-change-of-season" duties: Clean gutters? Done. Put away the lawn furniture? Uh-huh. Trim the overgrowth on some of the plants and bushes? Yep. Hydrate with some beer in the meantime? Well, of course. Remove some stubborn moss from the rooftop? Finally, but it's done. Edge around the perimeter of the lawn after avoiding it all summer long? Oh yeah. Repeat beer ritual? It goes without saying. Turn and re-stack the growing pile of brush and debris that will be ignited once the open burning ban is lifted? Oh, boy , I can't wait for that one (and it's gonna be a whopper)!

Funny. I don't know where summer went. I just unpacked my summer sandals last week.

Jukebox: Keep on truckin'

Fiction? Truth? These are both real.

CARSON CITY, NEVADA-A quiet recluse who died with $200 in his bank account surprised Carson City, Nev. officials when they were inspecting his run-of-the mill home to put it up for sale.

Inside Walter Samaszko Jr.'s 1,200-square-foot house, officials found stashes of gold coins and bullion. $7 million worth of it.

"You never anticipate running into anything like this," Carson City Clerk-Recorder Alan Glover said. "This guy was everybody's next-door neighbor."

Glover told the Tahoe Daily Tribune that several boxes of coins were found all neatly wrapped in aluminum foil in Samaszko's garage.

He had so much gold it took two trips on wheelbarrows to haul it out, the Daily Tribune reported. Officials also searched crawl spaces and used a metal detector in his yard to ensure they found all the gold, according to the Daily Tribune.

"He was a hoarder — there was everything inside that home you could think of," Glover told the L.A. Times. "The workers found a crawl space from the garage. That led to everything else."

Oddly, in an eerily similar incident, Dickey the Peap was observed emerging from a small, well camouflaged, hollowed-out stump in his own backyard yesterday. Immediately realizing, he had been observed, the short armed one yelled, "Get the hell out of here! I am just checking for termites."

Jukebox: Hey, it's still summer!

How a +6 was parlayed into .25

I experienced another semi-infrequent lunch and round of golf with Dickey the Peap yesterday. At this rate, I am not sure that the FTI legal defense fund won't be replenished in approximately 10, 000 years or so. And I am not sure that the little miser still won't be around at that time insisting that the cost of death is simply more than he is willing to pay and that he will find a cheaper option. In the meantime, the George Jetson's of the future will be curiously studying the visitor from another time with the short arms.

In fairness, for the record, there was no static regarding whom had the responsibility to host yesterday's lunch. We alternate each time and yesterday was his turn to pay. I did find it curious, however, that upon seeing us, our host waiter, turned over to the bar and bellowed, " I need 16 ounces of beer in a 12 oz. glass!". Obviously, he has dealt with this character before. Good service by waitstaff at a restaurant includes knowledge by the staff of what the customer prefers and to try to accommodate the wishes of the guest. The successful business model of some restaurants do include promotional vehicles such as , "all-you-can-eat", "half-priced happy hour", "Taco Tuesday" and the like. I am unaware of any financially solvent operation employing the practice of negotiating menu prices with the customer before the order is taken. I know of only one individual that could systematically, individually, take down an operation by himself: Mr 16.oz of beer in a 12 oz glass.

Anyways, we had a good round of 9 holes of golf on a warm, later summer afternoon. At the end of hole 3, I was up by a score of 3 strokes and mentioned that I predicted I would probably win by 6 strokes at the end of our round. (For the infrequent reader: I am not a good golfer; I play approximately 5 times a year. My game is such that 90% of the time I flail about and move the ball 25 yards in the wrong direction. The other 10%, though, encourages me to keep playing and think I might have a chance to be actually good. It doesn't matter though; I do it just to have some fun.) The little miser immediately picked up on this and said, "I'll remember that, I'll remember that!". I wasn't trying to insult him, rather, just get inside of his head because he is actually as lousy as I am and each round is basically a coin toss as to whom will emerge the victor. We played even golf up to the last hole, where the wheels finally fell off for the Frugal One and he lost the hole by 3 strokes. Adding these 3 strokes to my prior 3 stroke advantage equaled the previously predicted 6 stroke advantage. Quietly and immediately, he handed me a well worn, aged, shiny from the repeated rubbing by oily fingers, uneven around the edges due to repeated handling while counted, payment for the loss of our standing bet when we play golf, quarter. "Ya know what really pisses me off?" he said. "Now I have to buy beer, too." "Look on the bright side." I told him. "They only sell 16 oz bottles in the bar."

Never Forgotten. Ever.

The usual mirth, merriment, and silliness associated with our normal observations will be suspended today in honor of the over 3000 lives lost 11 years ago today.

Regardless of your political leanings, interpretation of cause, or assignment of blame, the cowardly acts of that day were despicable. May their be a special place in Hell for those involved with the planning and carrying out of those acts.

Jukebox: They say it's my birthday

Gee, what's a few days among friends?

True to form, I have once again had to  reset the money countdown clock an additional 21 days due to the legal system.  The judge ruled today that due to the crushing caseload assigned to him, his earlier opening to hear our round for increasing our long over due bond has been supplanted by a pending  12 day criminal trial and, as a result, has now been pushed back to the 12th of October as the earliest date for adjudication. This is simply unbelievable.

Here is some free advice (and it is really good, trust me): If you ever, EVER, contemplate a lawsuit, turn and sprint away like your bank account depended on it. Because it does.

Where are those damn earbuds?

I wish I could think of this kind of stuff on my own:

Authorities say a New Hampshire woman has been arrested four times in 26 hours for blasting the AC/DC song "Highway to Hell" and other loud music from her home and for throwing a frying pan.

Police first issued a warning to Joyce Coffey on Tuesday afternoon at her home in Epping. They say they were called back an hour later and arrested her for the loud music. She was released on $500 personal recognizance bail, but police returned to her home about five hours later -- again because of a report about loud music and arrested her again.

Police say Coffey was arrested again five hours later. This time, she was released on a $1000 bond, but four hours later was arrested again, this time over  more loud music and a domestic violence charge by her nephew who alleged he was hit by a frying pan thrown by the woman while trying to  remove some of his belongings from her house

Coffey was jailed Friday and couldn't be reached for comment.

Reportedly,  a judge has recommended she use headphones.

Well sure, wouldn't you know?

The eagle eyed reader will note that the "Example of Greed" countdown clock has been reset by adding another 15 days. Apparently, the local justice system, in it's infinite wisdom, will not consider the request to grant us more money for the bond we hold while the idiot deadbeat's appeal moves forward. Instead, this Thursday will only be consideration of a procedural motion and then the money date is set for the 21st. Of course, I am disappointed; of course, I am disillusioned. But, I am not,defeated. We will have a hearing and dipshit will have to offer up more money. There simply is no alternative.

Wow, What a deal.

Well he's back! This guy just doesn't give up. And he now has a new bribe offer to top it off. You have got to admire his tenacity. Ladies and Gentlemen, ol' A. Berry Rand from AARP does not take "NO" for an answer. And this time he means business.

As determined ever to gain some type of beachhead here at FTI as a remote outpost for his efforts, ol' A. Berry sent a letter to Mrs. Kfred dangling a cool insulated travel bag for a mere $16 a year membership fee to join AARP. In exchange, she would receive an insulated travel bag that "helps you stay organized on the go. It will keep drinks cold, snacks fresh and has enough room for everything you need." Hmmm. Let's examine that one for a moment, shall we?

This bag must be particularly special because people are actually complaining that what they received is not what was offered. Seriously!? I found an online complaint whining over the fact that the bag is basically a small camera bag and not large enough to hold anything of value. Another commenter was actually conversing with AARP to get the correct bag in exchange for the one pictured here: " I like their magazine, but I'm not happy with the way they communicate things to their CUSTOMERS - and I still want the other bag. I've offered to send this bag back to them."

Now, I have never met ol' A Berry in person, but, I have got to figure he wants you to send something in alright. And it isn't the wrong insulated travel bag. He wants your money, moohlah, scratch, dough, cake. And he, AGAIN, is not getting any from us. As for the travel organizer, I don't need it. Mrs. Kfred is in charge of that. Snacks, keys, passports, water, pen. She knows where all of that stuff is. On occasion, after one of our "misunderstandings" she even tells me where to stuff the map. I think ol' A. Berry offers medical insurance that deals with that as well.

Jukebox: Here's an appropriate bonus