Our data indicates....

Noting the extreme closeness of the Presidential race, the suggestion for conducting some type of polling was raised during our weekly staff meeting this past Monday. Various polls indicate an extremely close race between both candidates with each identified as the front-runner. Our commitment here at FTI to policy analysis and event commentary while simultaneously offering accuracy, fairness, and timely delivery of issues that mean the most to our 2 faithful readers dictated some type of random political work on our behalf.

Realizing that sending the Misfits to canvassing our immediate area around the compound would result in jamming the phone lines at our local mental health center, I decided to simply conduct an internal poll here at FTI. And the results were, uh surprising. Devising the simply scientific question of, "To hell with everyone else, whom of the active presidential candidates will benefit you the most, and why?" The results are stunning:

Dickie the Peap:"That's easy. Romney. He's for us rich guys."

Gummo, the Balloon Boy: "Levon. He sells cartoon balloon's all day" (EDITOR'S NOTE: Our pollsters were confused by this answer . We had no idea what this is about. Deep research later concluded this answer is in reference to the lyrics of a 40 year old Elton John song, "Levon")

The Green Comic: "Huh? Oh I get it now. I didn't understand why all of the guys I steal material from were riffing on the President."

Rat Bastard G: "Obama. He and I both don't know what we are going to do for the next 4 years, so, I figure, what the hell.
Hey, you wanna see my scar?"

Our poll was conducted with an established error ratio of 50/50 of troubled individuals contacted during the period of October 22nd to 23rd. We feel certain these results will only add to the uncertainty already associated with this race.