Monday, December 10, 2012

It's a Costco thing

Just in time for the holidays, I paid a visit to Costco and noted some things that really tend to kind of piss a guy off. I might as well get them off of my chest now before Christmas, so when Santa asks me if I have been a good boy lately, I can certainly honestly answer him affirmatively.

During the holidays, Costco is a very popular spot. I actually hate going to Costco. I don't like fighting the crowds and a lot of times I feel like a salmon swimming up stream, but I digress. First things first. Anyways, I pull in to the parking lot and start scanning the parking aisles close to the door. (Hey, I am no different than anyone else.) I see one aisle with 3 stopped cars. Apparently, someone is waiting for someone else to exit a parking spot. I figure, "ixnay" on that choice and move on. I find a spot 3 aisles over further away meaning a sprint in the pouring rain, but, so what, it goes with the territory? As I am on a low speed shuffle toward the entrance, I see that the offending lane plugging car is just now pulling into the spot and now 5 cars are backed up behind them. Apparently, it's better to wait for that one spot and inconvenience 5 other people, than to pass up a spot, save yourself some extra minutes spent shopping, and get on with the rest of your afternoon. We've all been there and all done it. I don't do that anymore. No parking lot is so big that I can't walk to the door. My time is worth something. Offense #2 sends me into vapor-lock even further: The "If-it's-free-I-am-going-to-have-some-and-I-don't-give a damn-about-you-mentality." Completely abandoning any pretense of political correctness, I say this: It's usually fat people in motorized scooters who are the worst offenders. The demonstration cook at the end of the freezer section has a small toaster oven sampling chicken nuggets. (INSIDER FOOD GUY NOTE: Chicken "Nuggets" are not the same as chicken tenders or chicken breast strips. "Nuggets" are the sausage of the poultry industry. Beaks, feathers, claws, and whatever scrap meat left over from a processed chicken are pressed together, breaded, and then frozen and marketed as a great after school kid snack.) Invariably, some old bastard wearing a baseball cap emblazoned with "Korean War Vet" or a 70+ year old woman with bleached blond hair weighing around 240 lbs will aim their motorized gurney straight to the plate on the table, block the aisle, take 10 minutes discussing how they like these better than the pizza rolls they featured last week, then feign deafness when they are repeatedly being told, "Excuse me, excuse me". My experience is that more often than not, this is just a cue for the offender to grab another free sample and linger. A close second is the shopper who passes by, takes a second look and decides they want some, abandons their cart in the middle of the aisle, and expects everyone else to just navigate around their cart. "The freebies are for the shoppers; I'm a shopper, it looks good, I want some, What's the big deal?" Idiot.

There I feel better. Santa, please do me a favor: If we meet in Costco, please don't waddle over to the free cookie samples, OK? We both know you have no intention of buying them.

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