I thought it was a reference site

Following extensive research, negotiations, analysis, and, yes I am not afraid to admit it, tears on some of our committee members part, a consensus has been reached concerning the new FTI page "look". Currently in beta testing (I just learned that term from one of our IT geeks yesterday), it is scheduled for formal launch this coming Thursday.

The difficulty in reaching a final decision is that a couple of our committee members were steadfast in their resolve to include some reader friendly attributes I felt did not match the sophistication and attract the type of reader we wish to engage. For example, a background of unicorns and rainbows might detract from the decisive, insightful, observations and declarations made here on a daily basis. Interestingly, one faction wanted to alter our page look by actually shifting our entire emphasis to a more narrowed focus type of website. Upon review of the example submitted, I immediately rejected this notion, but, did note this page's creator/host as a highly qualified candidate to join the rest of our Weirdo's, Whackos, and Misfits. I have also recommended that, should he accept our offer of membership, our policy of requiring all candidates to undergo an entrance exam measuring idiocy and odd behavior be waived as this would be a foregone conclusion.

So, only two more days until our new look. The idiot IT department (easily, the most reviled department here at FTI), had better not screw up on this one. Over the past 10+ months, we have experienced enough embarrassment, ridicule, and failure due to the look and feel of our web presence that simply is no longer acceptable. After all , it certainly could not be due to the type of content.

Be aware of Counterfeit Tickets

Steel Wheels. Blond Ambition. Victory.

What do these terms all signify? They are names of highly successful multi-city tours of rock acts (The Rolling Stones, Madonna, and Michael Jackson) staged for millions of people in one season. Thinking along those same lines, the FTI promotions Department has tentatively announced our Summer '10 touring schedule.

Recognizing the logistical limitations of staging such events and attempting to adhere to the geographical limitations as conditions of probation for a couple of our members, the promotions team has tied up a few dates for the total "FTI Experience on the Road". Actual performances by specific Misfits will be determined on the day of shows based on the visiting schedule of local magistrates, but, suffice to say, most people will probably end up disappointed. One major hurdle involved in this type of undertaking is the repeated dismantling and re-assembly of our 1950's model Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe. Heavy use since it's recent restoration has taxed several key components and replacement parts are not easily obtained. Regardless, we are investigating different ways to bring it on tour with us.

Confirmed dates include:

1. Spokane July 30 and 31
2. New York City August 21 through the 25th
3. Muskogee (tentative September date)

Our schedule is based on the geographic distances between the various cities involved and the relative indifference and interest of the local population. Additional cities and dates will be announced as soon as the level of apathy is determined.

It's Renovation Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We're also in the middle of playing with some scenarios for our new look. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

You can put lipstick on a pig and it still looks.........

The FTI IT department (the most reviled department here at FTI) recently took a break from battling the evil doers of Zoltar 7 to actually review this site and to offer some tips for improvement. One of the suggestions is that perhaps a facelift and new look are in due in order to make our site "bold". Relevant. Exciting.

Immediately recognizing the medical emergency that the team had been consuming too many Red Bull and Vodka's (Ride the Wave!), I called the FTI infirmary to arrange an immediate triage and evaluation session. Rushed to our state-of-the-art FTI medical facility, once the tub of leaches and reclaimed scalpels were cleared out of the way, it was determined that the staff were, in fact, not drunk, but rather deemed within the normal range of their cognitive abilities.

Among the suggestions made were various page elements I feel would have no appeal to our 2 valued readers including: 1) a real time 24-hour "Gummo-cam" trained on Gummo, The Balloon Boy all of the time; 2) a "Guess the Amount" contest to determine the dollar value of free meals consumed by Dickie the Peap at someone else's expense in one month's time; 3) an "Executive Director's Boredom Meter", capturing the number of yawns I experience while attending our weekly staff meeting. Though all would have some merit, I feel the scope of interest to be too narrow that would justify a new page makeover.

Regardless, I have considered the idea and plan to relaunch our new look sometime next week. As tomorrow is Green Sunday, we can explore some various scenarios and determine what would be appropriate. My goal is that it does not look like this.

Jukebox: Yeah, like 23 out of the last 26 days

Now, thats a goal to pursue

I have become surprised at the recent erratic behavior of one of our own, The Green Comic. Green's increasingly, belligerent, and idiotic behavior has been strikingly out of character. I finally sat him down to discuss what was going on in his personal life to justify his attitude.

Sadly, Green read about this woman and has decided to emulate her in the category of stupidity. Based on our population, the judges will have a tough time determining the champion.

They call it Poker Ego

I like to gamble a little. I'm not here to convince you of the merits or discuss the moral implications of gambling. It's just something I enjoy once in a while. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose (Sorry about the WAMU stock, dear). Whether playing the stock market or $15 hands of 21, I do enjoy the action.

I am currently involved in a legal dispute where the stakes are rapidly increasing. Once the case is over, I will reveal the details, but suffice to say, the stakes are fairly high. Anyways, I was watching TV the other night and came across some Poker. I play very little poker. It's a moderately easy game to play, but, like anything else, notoriously hard to master. The guys you see on TV with their designer sunglasses, stoic faces, and colorful personalities look like regular people, but, they are professionals. Since my involvement with this case over the last few months, I have discovered two simple poker strategies that can also apply to life:

1) You don't make money in poker by trying to win the most. You make money by trying to lose the least;

2) It's better to get bluffed and fold than to make a bad call and lose your whole stack.

Over time, I think I have come out on the winning side when I gamble; nothing significant, but still ahead. I have a pretty good handle on my skill level and defer when I am overmatched. I only bet what I am comfortable with losing and, of course, am prepared to lose. While playing poker, I use a personal gambling strategy that is pretty simple: When I consider the cards already showing and have studied the other player's habits, I can make a reasonable determination of the odds of the value of the remaining cards. At this point, I see the cards already played and have observed the other player for a long time. I like my odds right now.

I'll see that bet and raise.

C'mon. Follow us.

The entire FTI concept and premise is that we exist to help society by relaying the antics and thoughts of the Misfits in order to help the normal population avoid ever becoming a pseudo-Misfit. In other words, we do this for your own safety and well being. We also do this at no direct charge to our 2 faithful readers. We have no membership fee to be a part of our organization and publish no ads on our website.

I recently stumbled across "The Automated Growth & Money Making System" via Twitter. It is a pitch to employ this guy's system in order to increase your "Raving Fans", "Follower's", and "Friends" so they will eventually buy things from you. All of these great benefits for a one time fee of only $47! The kicker is that one of the testimonials about the system is from a commenter whom noted that he had previously been charging his clients "$100's a month" to deliver what this guy was now doing for a one time fee of $47. And this commenter is a supporter of this system!! Now, it seems to me if you have been collecting "$100's a month" and someone can do the same things for your customers for only a one time fee of $47, you would not be a supporter; you should be a death-sworn enemy. A rival.

Our repeated inquiries for more information of this system were met with cold silence and bounced back emails. Apparently, our reading demographic (save our 2 faithful readers), is not of the type that this system wishes to be associated, nor, would it work. After all who wants to be a follower of the Rat Bastard G or any of the rest of the Misfits? They are already lost.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.


The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then

Was it this way for Noah?

The FTI facility is located in a temperate area where we have frequent rainfall. Today is the first day in 20 that we are not scheduled to have any measurable rainfall. This will be a perfect day to get outdoors and help the FTI Beautification team get the compound grounds back into shape.

Today also marks the suspension of my plans to build the FTI Ark. I truly was convinced an event of biblical proportions was about to happen as this damn rain simply will not let up. The Misfits have become increasingly concerned about their ability to get outside an splash about. When I requested the FTI engineering department to submit some design suggestions for a seaworthy vessel, I was to say the least, not overly optimistic. Headed by Dickie the Peap, our engineering department is noted for the strength, ruggedness, budget overruns, and time wasted during construction of it's engineered marvels. I specifically noted these traits in my request to them and pointed out I only wanted the first two as features of the design. 2 hours later, I received their working model: 2 old pallets lashed atop 4 discarded tires found along the interstate highway and covered by a couple of black Hefty garbage bags to act as cover. With today's sunrise, I have had additional time to consider the design (and initial idea) and have abandoned the entire notion for the time being.

I don't think the idea of an FTI Ark is without merit. Rain is scheduled to return next week, again. In my mind, the work "Ark" suggests 2 concepts: 1) a vessel of safety in an epic rainstorm; and 2) a vehicle to house pairs of all species to be preserved. As the reluctant Executive Director of FTI, my primary concern is for the attainment of the first one. The Misfits can get some inner tubes.

Jukebox: Kind of sounds like today, huh?

Hello caller, you're on the air.

I read this news story this morning and it kind of reminds me of the circular logic that occurs here at FTI:

Police in Iowa City said a man who called them to report that he'd been punched while on the Iowa City pedestrian mall, was punched again by a second person while he was on the phone with his 911 call.

Police said the man told 911 dispatchers early Tuesday morning that he had just been assaulted and was following the person who did it. Then, while he was speaking with officers, a friend of the original assailant punched the man and knocked him to the ground.

In dealing with the various Misfits, sometimes immediately after I have solved one of the crises involving them, another one comes up and "sucker punches" me with more stupidity. Like a boxer waiting for the bell to ring, sometimes you just hope to stagger to your own corner and be able to regroup to try again. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Let's jump rope instead

I had a chance to reflect over the 3 day weekend and realized that part of the lingering malaise associated with FTI is a lack of a purpose; a greater good, a sense of what are we here for. Oh sure, our primary duty to offer policy, analysis, and observations will never be abandoned; it's what we have built our legacy upon and admittedly, to date, we have mostly missed that mark. The true target, though, can never be forgotten. And that's where my position as Executive Director becomes accountable. I need to spur our team to greater heights when they offer their mental contributions on a daily basis.

I happened upon the closeout bin in a store that offered some motivational items marked down for clearance. Thumbing through the usual photos of rainbows, ripples on a pond, small furry animals, and weeping third degree burns, I just didn't seem to find the poster that would strike the right cord for what I was trying to accomplish. Then, like a bolt of lightning, it struck. I promptly bought the remaining 5 copies and have installed them at strategic locations around the compound to constantly remind the Misfits of the heights they can achieve with little effort. I think you will now see some real purpose happening around here now.

A Big Thank you

Remember these guys.

They have been protecting our right to do this kind of stuff for nearly 250 years.

It's lazy Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.


The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

It's like he was one of our own

Our fleeting passing with fame was sadly was brought to an end. Case in Point: yesterday's sudden death of Gary Coleman has some striking similarities with us here at FTI.

During the breaking of the investigative story surrounding Michael Jackson's death last year and as observed here, Coleman was originally identified as the individual in the hoax video. We later corrected the story to accurately identify Donny Osmond as the person in question, but, still had an odd sense of connection.

Yes, Coleman had financial and legal problems. Yes, his true growth was stunted. Yes, he was misunderstood. At one time Coleman told The New York Times, "I want to escape that legacy of Arnold Jackson. I'm someone more. It would be nice if the world thought of me as something more." We can empathize with this guy. We are always looking for a way to increase our bottom line; we had our own legal dust-up with the Hayward family earlier this year when the Misfits pirated control of this site from me for a few days.

And yes, our intellectual growth is severely stunted as well. I just hope we don't have to send the Misfits out to moonlight as security guards somewhere.

Jukebox: A Cash Alternative

OK, we will waive the speeding part of the ticket

Believe it or not, we do have strenuous background checks on all of the people whom apply here at FTI.

We received this video in opposition of our desire to hire this applicant as my personal driver. I still don't understand what all of the uproar is over. It's just a slight mistake.

Do you get a DVD with your $25 donation?

Planning for our upcoming membership pledge drive continues in full gear. We are using this event as an opportunity to highlight our organization, demonstrate our method of thinking, and hopefully, attract the type of donors whom will be able to sustain our work on a year round basis through their generous contributions.


The scope of this task is actually quite encompassing. We need to have top flight entertainment to attract our target audience, professional and courteous detail to attention while engaging them, and precise execution when following up to retain them as followers. Some of the scheduled entertainment include: The Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe will be on display demonstrating our ability to ferret out the truth; Gummo, the Balloon Boy will be riding his bicycle, Slateface will be conducting a wet weather golfing exhibition, and Dickie the Peap will be displaying that same old, tired nickel, he hoarded from a million years ago.

Upon reflection, perhaps the entertainment portion of the program needs to be reviewed. Our target demographic expects entertainment of a higher level. Our current lineup is better suited to the crowd entertained by toenail clipping displays.

Watch for Falling Objects

We suffered an unfortunate incident resulting in personal injury over the weekend that calls attention to the importance of safety. And the ironic part: the injury was suffered by our Safety Officer.


A community garage sale was conducted by some of the direct neighbors of the FTI compound this past Saturday. Earlier in the spring, we had been considering scheduling our own event to offer analysis and policy discussion. The first FTI "Western Hemisphere Relations Forum /Auto Parts Swap Meet" would have been perfect for both individuals interested in world events and backyard shadetree mechanic issues, but, we soon realized that a number of noted speakers invited to headline the event had not replied with confirmations (or offered auto parts, for that matter) to attract a large enough crowd. Though embarrassment and humiliation are two steady visitors here to FTI, it was felt that perhaps we should reschedule a time for later in the year when the car model changes occur. Anyways, Mrs. Kfred and I went to help the neighbors set up their garage sale. We do not have enough items to hold our own personal garage sale, so, added a few of our items to the neighbor's collection as well. One of our items was a 20 year old 19" Hitachi television still in operating order. I had replaced it as a second TV in the Executive Living area here at FTI and, though working fine, replaced it with a new high definition LCD television earlier this year. The TV is the old cathode ray tube type that easily weighs around 50 pounds. As a result, I balanced it on a 2-wheeled handcart not unlike those used by any deliveryman and wheeled it to the sale site. Upon arriving at the site, I asked where I should place it and was directed by one of the ladies organizing the sale to put it up on a shelf. I tilted the handcart up vertically to grab the TV and place it up on the shelf at the exact same time Mrs.Kfred walked in front of me doing so. Coincidentally, unknown to me, the laws of physics and fate decided to meet at the corner of her big and second toes at that same time and the TV fell over resulting in a painful crunch of the same area. The ensuing crash and scream of pain surprised all of us as Mrs. Kfred was doing all she could to not yell out, "You dumb son-of-a bitch, Holy shit, that hurts!" due to the number of neighbors and earlybird buyers already in attendance. Instead, we had a simple restrained, "Oh, Ow, mmph, God that hurts, I'll be ok". We got her to sit down and inspected the affected area to find that the toenail had been missed and the area of impact was the middle section near the joint of the big and second toes. We got some ice on it immediately to reduce the swelling and for the first 2 hours or so, she sat in the chair collecting money and answering questions.

Upon inspection today, she does have a purple big and second toe without, surprisingly, a whole lot of pain. I felt bad the entire weekend because I know the pain she experienced. I dropped an old framed window on my toe a few years back and that was the most painful experience in my life. Regardless, she seems to be on the mend with little to no lasting impact. She did insist, however on filing an incident report detailing the involved parties, the nature and extent of the injuries, and the future action needed to involve avoiding anything like this in the future. (Somehow, I don't know how withholding sexual relations equates to prevention of this type of injury, but, oh well. OK. I made that part up.)

And the real pisser to this entire story? The damn TV didn't even get a sniff of interest. It's now sitting over at the Goodwill store.