Do you not know who I am?

A recent federal mandate to verify US citizenship resulted in select FTI personnel (me) being required to produce evidence of US citizenship. Apparently my library card, 3 various casino Player's Clubs Cards, nor my Roundtable Pizza "Buy 5 Lunch Buffets and the 6th is on Us" membership card would satisfy the regulatory thugs demanding proper identification. Federal laws dictates that failure to produce the necessary ID would have caused my immediate termination from the FTI, though I don't know if I could have fired myself as I am the sole executive member. Regardless, I did finally show them my passport which seemed to make everything OK and allow the Institute to get back to our normal business.

As a result of this exercise, it has been decided to issue all of our staff ID badges for ease of identification. I have included mine here for your review. During our upcoming Institute open house, please feel free to ask any personnel you encounter for their proper identification. We wouldn't want to be confused for those knuckleheads working for the cable company.

Problem solved. Our ingenuity knows no limits

Per our earlier post today, it was discovered that readers have been having difficulty in leaving comments under the respective posts. Notified of this difficulty, our IT team sprung into immediate action.

After marathon phone consultations with support people from Oracle, Sun Systems, and Microsoft, we were no closer to solving the problem. At 4 pm local time, the IT guys announced as they were not being paid for Holiday differential, the problem would have to wait until tomorrow.

In the meantime, one of our maintenance guys cleaning the leftover goat hair in the Institute recreation pool following the Finance department's "team bonding" exercise from yesterday, volunteered to help. Using a toilet brush, piece of coathanger, and a dried urinal disinfectant cake, he was able to "short" our system to a point where all comments are now visible. One simply has to click on the "comments" tab, write the comments, sign as an anonymous (or which ever identity you choose)signature, validate the code in the box, and send. It's that simple.

We are accepting applications for qualified IT personnel. Ability to run pool skimmer helpful.

Please standby as we are experiencing technical difficulties

Comments arising after 2 congratulatory birthday phone wishes today indicate there are difficulties of readers to post their own Flatline thoughts in the "Comments" section of our various posts. Rest assured that our highly paid (and to date, equally inept) IT department is working on this matter as we speak.

(Confidentially, management's faith in getting this solved quickly is weak as this is the same bunch of guys who rigged up the boom box for our recent summer picnic.)

No truer words were ever spoken

Today is my Birthday. I don't feel one bit older, wiser, or different. It's just another day. Unfortunately, however, it's when you begin to realize that you have amassed so many of these types of day that the reality sets in: most of my friends and family are a bunch of smart-asses.

I have received various birthday cards to mark my personal event. If I am ever replaced as director here at FTI ( though I couldn't image it as I am the only executive member of the organization), I would like to try my hand at writing for the greeting card industry. These people take the truth and make it into a humorous thought that is short and direct to the point. Case in point:

If a man, standing in a forest says something, and his wife isn't there to correct him...Is he still wrong? Absolutely!
Mrs. Kfred has informed me that the subject is closed.

And how is everything here?

Mrs. Kfred and I went to dinner last night at our local Red Lobster. We hadn't gone out to "dinner" in a while and though Red Lobster isn't actually anything special, I had a craving for those cheesy garlic biscuits they serve and went to get some.

After being assured by the hostess that my server would act as my seafood "expert", we were greeted by a nice lady whom explained the menu and took our order for 2 glasses of Fat Tire Ale. 10 minutes later, I assume our 2 Fat Tires suffered a blowout as I spot them on a tray at another table waiting for some rescue as she is taking the order of a 6 person table. We eventually get the beer, place our dinner order, and wait. 5 minutes later our salads arrive with a basket of 2 of those desirable biscuits. Two. As we were both hungry, we ate the great salads and one biscuit apiece in no time at all. In the meantime, Melissa, our expert is MIA. I assume she is attending a seafood conference to burnish her credentials as she is nowhere to be found. A different person arrives with our meals and leaves before I can make a request for more biscuits. We start eating the entrees and about halfway through our meal, I notice that I didn't have a glass of water. About that same time, Melissa shows up and happens to ask if I would like some water. I indicate that I would and would also like some more biscuits. She replied, " You must have been reading my mind as I was just going to ask you that". I immediately get a huge class of ice water and a straw, but no biscuits. Though Melissa must be related to Kreskin with her telepathic ability, her family lineage must also trace the bloodlines of the Hoffa family as the biscuits obviously are in the same place as cousin Jimmy: location unknown.

In re-reading this post, I don't want to appear grumpy or grouchy. I don't know what the problem was. There appeared to be enough staff in the restaurant. Melissa actually was very pleasant and seemed knowledgable. The food was good. I just know that I spent $45 on an experience that neither of us felt was worth it. Oh, and to answer the original question? Fair.

Jukebox: Wow! Our Labor Day Clearance 2 for 1 Posting

Maybe, Jerry can make him one of his kids

I had lunch yesterday with one of our inspirational affiliates, Dickey the Peap. Dickey has indirectly contributed to some of the thinking here at Flatline, but unfortunately, has suffered for years from “alligator arm syndrome”, a paralyzing disability that prevents him from willingly to reach for the check in social settings. This disability, however, in no way prevents him from providing subject materials that can be more fully explored here. It is sad, though, to realize a close friend is slowly gaining weight at other’s expense.

He has been able to successfully hide the embarrassment of this debilitating disease by various methods of deception and concealment. Among some of his methods of compensation include the statement, “I don’t remember, but, I think it’s your turn to buy” and “Remember when you said, "Next time, it’s my treat." Well, this is that next time.” Furthering research indicates this disease can be beat by paying more often, however, this case is one of the most severe that the research staff has ever encountered. We have sadly accepted the diagnosis that he will never get better, but, will continue to exist at his present level of functioning.


Like one of our other affiliates, Rat Bastard G, Dickey is an inspiration to all that know him and doesn’t allow this dreaded disease to stop him from engaging in any eating or drinking activity, whatsoever. We are proud to count him as a contributing colleague that also meets our diversity goal of inclusion of handicapped individuals on the FTI team of thinkers.

Gettin' a little bit big for your britches aren't you?

And exactly which major news outlet pointed out that the Michael Jackson tape was a hoax? CNN? Nope. MSNBC? uh-huh. FOX News? Puh-lease. The correct answer would be the hard working, sound thinking, investigative team here at the FTI. Oh, and check the date on our post. That would be August 28, 4 days prior.

Yesterday, the story broke about this being an intentional test of the gullibility of people via the internet. We knew it all along. Never mind the fact that we thought it was Gary Coleman in the video. We admit our error. Everyone can plainly see it is actually Donny Osmond.

Where's Waldo? Mary?

Say it isn't so! We have safeguards in place to guard against this kind of deception! How could we have been taken? We pay our guys to investigate, study, and confirm this information before we post it and then this breaks. We WILL be having employment opportunities available very shortly. I guarantee it!!

A contract affiliate of the FTI located 500 miles away from the FTI Compound noted that our posting 2 days ago about Mary Steadman was interesting as she apparently lived in a nearby town. He indicated an interest to further interview her for a follow-up profile by us, and wanted authorization for expenses. This remark piqued our interest as I remember distinctly that Mary actually live in the same town as I and I suggested perhaps our affiliate should restart his medication routine. Regardless, we denied expense authorization as we think this may be a ruse to bolt from his obligation with us and go on his own to attempt to increase his income versus the modest stipend afforded him via the FTI.

After investigating a little deeper, it has been determined that Mary lives (are you sitting down?) everywhere! That's right, Mary lives close to you and makes $5000-7000 per month from home doing nothing! To prove and illuminate this fact, we would like to conduct a little experiment with your help. It's simple: We are asking our readers to help determine which places on the planet Mary lives. Here's what you do: Click on this original link that actually proves that Mary is nothing more than a digital transient. The article begins with "For Mary Steadman, who lives in ....." Note her town and state where she is purported to live. Come back to this post and enter her hometown and state in the "comments" section at the bottom of this post. You can comment if you wish, but, we just want to see all of the places on the earth where Mary works. Ask your friends and other members of your social networks to participate in this little exercise. It's such a good deal, I'm sure she wouldn't mind a little company.

Whatever happened to "Mom" on your bicep?

During our morning brain storming session, one of our staff members made fun of another member's tattoo. Some innocent wise-assed banter progressed into a heated argument advancing into a skirmish resembling a 12 year old girl's slumber party pillow fight and ended in a couple of charges of disturbing the peace and reckless endangerment. (Our legal team is confident we can beat the public indecency rap, however.)

Regardless, this incident inspired the rest of the think tank members (whom avoided this spat so not to violate their conditions of parole) to locate a graphic that pretty much says it all. It is displayed here for your review, convenience, and ease of identification.

Hey, where's my $5000 per month?

Are you kidding me?? What the hell have I been wasting my time at this rinky-dink Instititute over? Hold it here, wait a minute. What is all of this fine print? Fire up the Truthometer Deluxe and get Flushwig in here. We need to analyze this a little further.

During the mind-numbing research performed early each morning, I stumbled upon this article that suggests that someone can make between (I swear this is true) $5000 to $7000 a month at home doing nothing! It is a story about Mary Steadman who is making this dough just working 10 hours a week by doing nothing more than "posting links for Google." That's it. Nothing else. It all depends on how many links you posted online. They give you the website links to post and all you do is start posting those links. Google tracks everything.

The article has proof by displaying actual checks which, I assume, belong to Mary. (EDITORS NOTE: Mary must be a closet introvert because even though she is telling her story and bragging about her riches, she doesn't want anyone to see her name on the check.) Anyway, as I was just about to join Mary in creating my own financial wealth empire, I happened to scroll down to the bottom of the page and saw all of the fine print. Apparently:

1. Testimonials do not typically result.


2. Photographs or images are depiction of individuals and payment methods. These income examples are representative of some of the most successful participants in the program.


3. Some individuals purchasing the program may make little or NO MONEY AT ALL(EDITOR'S NOTE: their emphasis). These claims are not a guarantee of your income, nor are they typical of average participants.


4. Individual results will vary greatly and in accordance to your input, determination, hard work, and ability to follow directions.


5. No person or company can guarantee profits or freedom from loss.


6. Google is in no way associated with this website.

What the Hell?? You mean I could make less? Google is not associated, but you make money posting Google links. Huh? All of a sudden, this sure fire thing didn't look so hot if for no other reason than this is the type of creative, innovative, thinking we employ here at FTI. I know the personal riches I gain from that activity. And, I wouldn't want to be greedy.

From the Desk of Miss Congeniality

The FTI has a charitable Foundation Arm that is used to promote and further the cause of continuing Flatline Thinking. The funds accruing in our internal slush fund are not scheduled to be invested with this firm, however. Somehow, I think they ought to think about hiring a competent copy editor before soliciting money from us.

Now, Arnold

The Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe has already paid for itself many times over; however, it's latest determination is proof positive that hidden nuggets can be found on Ebay.

A video is floating around that is purported to be physical evidence that Michael Jackson actually faked his own death and is, in fact, still alive. As the Truthometer Deluxe is a 1950's model, it does not have the ability to analyze video proof. We did, however, input this information orally via one of our trusted subjects and immediately the machine confirmed that this story could not possible be true.

After studying this video for hours, our FTI research personnel began to collect and input as much information as possible of celebrities whom were big at one time but have have been out of the spotlight lately. We again orally relayed our findings and conclusions as to this person's true identity into the Truthometer Deluxe. Confirmed as accurate and truthful, we came to the same conclusion: the person viewed in the video is really Jackson's arch nemesis and lifetime rival, Gary Coleman.

Jukebox: Cool. A Hair band with a horn section

You can tell a lot about a man by his name.............

.....after it has been analyzed as an anagram. Let me explain.

While recently conducting a conference (similar to a long time ago in a storage room while drinking cheap sauterne cooking wine) with one of our independent outside thinkers, Rat Bastard G, the subject of honesty came up. None of us know this individual's actual name. Through the years he has been known as Linebacker, Amazon, Partner, etc., however his true name has never been revealed and is unknown. After much prodding, he did admit that his given name can be anagramed into "Affirm Gay Clue." This was accomplished by the use of this tool.

Though making no judgments, this analysis confirms our suspicions about this individual's habits and predilections. We are pleased to announce that by including the Rat Bastard, our diversity goal has been met and his inclusion is welcomed.

A high tech twist to an old Feud

Here's some interesting triva: Descendants of The Hatfields (of Hatfield vs. McCoy) formed the Garmin Corp. The McCoy's went another route and built a trucking empire. You connect the dots.

2 wings of the same bird

I am not very much of a political partisan as I believe both the Democrats and Republicans are just 2 versions of the same broken model. Here's a couple of examples of what I think is wrong with our political system:

I have never been a fan of the Kennedy's, but, do note this morning's announcement of the passing of Democratic Senator Ted Kennedy. I didn't agree with most of his politics, but, do offer praise for his work to further Civil Rights and to help his sister with her work for the Special Olympics program. With that said, however, I don't believe we should have an elected official in the same office for over 47 years. I believe they lose touch with the average person, jussssst a bit.

On the other hand, you have the idiot Republican Governor of South Carolina. This guy spent state money while having an extramarital affair, got caught, and won't resign. Nice. Once you get elected, whatever is proper and correct goes out the window.

Is it a wonder the American people are fed up with politics as usual?

Safety never takes a holiday

The recent hot weather has taken a toll on the productivity and creativeness of the FTI thinktank personnel. During a recent brainstorming session, it was suggested that a pool party here at the compound would be a real fun way to reinvigorate the group, help reignite the creative thinking so prevalent here, and, of course beat the heat. As a result, we had the party recently and morale has soared ever since.

While viewing the various pictures of the event, our Director of Institute Safety, Mrs. Kfred, noticed an obvious violation that could cause harm to all involved. She chose this one picture to highlight during the safety segment of this morning's meeting and used it as a training exercise for everyone by asking all attendees if they saw anything wrong with this picture. She did this to keep our focus on safety as vigilant as ever.

Though the guesses of "the metal legs of the table could puncture the pool liner," "those guys look like they aren't using the proper level of sunscreen," and "unwashed sandals can spread athlete's foot" were noteworthy, they weren't the most egregious error in judgment. See if you can spot the violation in question.

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.

* Never use glass bottles around a pool area! *

Overheard at today's morning briefing

"Thank you, Mr. Wizard. That was a spellbinding presentation. Before the members of the thinktank get back to work, would you mind answering any of their questions?"

"Yes. In the back."

"Uh, science dude, I have this gnarly rash and I was wonderin'......"

Punk'd by the County Assessor

I am sure that I have unknowingly become a part of reality TV. But, I never realized that government would be in on it. That's right: I got punk'd by the county assessor.

The FTI Compound is located in a mostly rural county in my state. There isn't a lot of industry here and is one that has traditionally relied on natural resources and it's related industry to shoulder the taxing load. With the current economic downtrend, the local factories have cut shifts, been sold, or moved out of the area in order to compete. As a result, housing values have dropped, we have the 2nd highest unemployment in the state, and there is a general malaise to the economy. Therefore, when I opened the official "Assessor's Notice Of Value Change For Taxes Payable In 2009", I assumed that our property tax responsibility would be somewhat less. Negative. Instead, my duly elected county official sent me an official greeting announcing that the total assessed value had increased 13% over prior year! Let me give you a snapshot of my area Mr Assessor: The home next door is currently going through a short sale after being on the market for 20 months; a home 1/4 of a mile away sold after being foreclosed; an over the top, more house than anyone would buy, 2 times over priced, shrine-on-the-hill built by Alfred E. Neuman's nephew begs for visitors (let alone buyers), and yet, my assessed value goes up??

Right now, I am waiting for someone to drive up in a non-descript white Chevy Malibu with the county crest on the side to tell me this is all a big joke. I hope they get here pretty quick.