Jukebox: What I think I may do

Oh no. Not again.

Once again, I find myself in a precarious employment position.  I just don't understand.

After yesterday's honest attempt to be a part of the much vaunted "International Outreach" effort, apparently my description of the staff and cheap-assed Board of Directors as "idiots" hit a sour chord.  A full 8 months after the first time, I have once again been suspended and relieved of all of my duties pending a full review of my actions.

Times are tough.  People are jobless.  No one is hiring.  I get it.  As my duties and responsibilities are highly specific, I may indeed have trouble landing another gig.  Competitive institutes are not hiring.    Our few remaining peers have upgraded their thinking above ours and, as a result, have no need for my services.  I'm worried.  Where else could I go and be a part of a do-nothing organization? 

I guess there is always government. 

And they say Love is the universal language

Constant  observation and analysis by our idiot FTI IT team (the most reviled department at FTI), of our readership and demographics has created a new quandary  for me that I must now address.   I have a feeling this one has "trainwreck"written all over it.

Apparently, while taking a break from their assigned duties, one of the dweebs noticed that our readership includes a number of foreign readers whom choose to translate this shit into their own native language.  Google has a translation tool that allows phrases and websites to be easily converted.  (Why anyone would take the trouble to find this site, translate it into their own language to understand, read it, and then feel that they have accomplished something is beyond me.)  Now, the meddlesome, cheap-assed FTI  Board of Directors has gotten wind of this and want me to spearhead an "International Outreach" program in order to broaden our literary footprint and to create a global presence.

I tried to reason with our Board that with all of the discontent, upheaval, strife, and conflict currently engulfing the world, it makes no sense to me that we, as Americans, would want to inflame the passions of others any further.  Especially with this daily drivel.  They, of course, have a different view of our purpose here and would have no part of my argument.  Beaten into submission, I relented and told them that I would create a posting touting our skills, abilities, and to offer a description of our entire organization.  Noting that a recent reader had used the Bulgarian language translator to view this site, I offer this analysis for that simple minded reader somewhere in Eastern Europe.  This one is for you, pal.

Те наистина са идиоти

You can do it yourself here or I can translate:  They really are idiots.

We are here acting as your mental placebo

An odd concurrence of events have resulted in an unusually high volume of calls and inquiries into the FTI switchboard over the weekend.  I initially was not sure exactly what was going on, but,  now can relay how our membership and reader comments tie the whole thing  together. 

After Thursday's posting of a note received here at FTI of the  interest by a new website, Videojug.com, (their tag line is "get good at [fill in the blank]") inviting us to begin an affiliation with them, I thought nothing more of it.  I viewed it as a random, meaningless, email from one of the many crackpots whom contact us on a frequent basis.  Friday's random, unrelated posting of our Jukebox selection that was  intended  as a simple dedication to Mrs. Kfred  in marking our 29th Wedding Anniversary then generated the typical misspelled, all capitalized , response from the Green Comic whom, while well-meaning, seemingly comes across as an angry wing-nut.  Beginning Saturday morning and continuing all the way through 9 pm last night, however, the FTI switchboard became inundated with calls, inquiries, and requests by Videojug users asking how soon our contribution would be on their site.  Our under-skilled switchboard representatives had no idea what was going on and immediately summoned me from the Executive Director's quarters here at FTI to help determine what was going on.  Even I was at a loss.  What the hell are these people talking about?

It wasn't until last night that it all came together.  Fielding another call inquiring about how soon we would have a post up, I asked, "Excuse me madam.  What are you talking about?  What can we offer?  Why do you want to see  us on Videojug?" She replied,  "Research, I'm doing research.  I'm trying to find someone who is good at idiocy.  That Green Guy is a perfect example.  He has gotten good.  I always thought it was an inherent trait, but, I am trying to see if it can be learned."

Videojug and FTI: a marriage of reference and authority.   

        

Calisthenics FTI Style

Hey Kids! 

Here's a great way to act like one of the Weirdo's without causing Mom and Dad the shame of admitting your are housed at FTI.  Perform this great physical ability challenge and you will immediately be mistaken by others to be one of our team. 

The challenge is easy:   Without anyone watching you and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.  Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.  Your foot will change direction.   Better yet, ask Mom and Dad to try and then laugh with your friends when you see how dopey they look. 

The calorie loss is not due to the exercise but rather, the amount of energy used to repeatedly shake your head in disgust. 

Jukebox: 29 Years and counting. Happy Anniversary, Dear.

Are You Really Sure About This?

I received an email yesterday from Jemma  Clark, senior editor over at a new website, Videojug, whom is   searching for a select group of writers and bloggers to become Founder Members on Videojug Pages.  As she explains it, "Videojug is a powerful new self-publishing website that helps people with unique know-how & expertise (i.e. you) connect with our knowledge-hungry audience. I am searching for a select group of writers & bloggers to become Founder Members on Videojug Pages. I came across your blog - '(n) Flatline Thinking' - and was really impressed. I'd like to invite you to join our growing community of writers."  She also wanted to entice me to join by offering a "coveted Founders Badge" to prove I was part of the organization.  Of course, I didn't tell I already have the only one that matters. 

As flattered, impressed, and awestruck as I am by all of this newfound attention, I don't have the heart to inform Ms. Clark that, for the success of her new website,  I probably won't be joining her organization.  Based on the readership of this published daily struggle, apparently (and rightly) there is no huge demand for knowledge of our efforts here at FTI.  Our 2 faithful readers drop by periodically to trade verbal jabs with me and then are not tracked again for a couple of days.  Additional extensive analysis has shown that the other handful of readers here are a result  of a misdirected search engine query of individuals inquiring about the phrases "pocket-lint creations" and "blogs resembling fatal accidents". 

Ms. Clark:  I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.  I hope you make a million dollars as you move forward.  I hope you become the knowledge/resource site of the masses.  I am just not sure if our contribution will push you to that level.    We've contributed to 3 similar organizations in the past; none of them are still around.  Something about lack of content. 

Sensitivity Class is upcoming

Our group of Misfit's tend to behave themselves fairly regularly, and other than their frequent bouts of stupidity, normally act in an acceptable manner most of the time.    Our rules and code of conduct are strictly enforced.  A recent incident here highlighted the need for continuing reminders of these rules.

The Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe, is a highly sensitive, finely tuned, precisely calibrated instrument for determining the truth and is not a toy.  Each of the Misfits has that fact drilled into them on a regular basis, and I tolerate no deviation from this policy.  I was taken back a bit, then, when Dickie the Peap came up to me surprised, excited, out of breath and explaining that he had something to tell me about our mainstay marvel here at FTI.  Now, our 2 loyal readers know that the short-armed one is a frequent, (and might I add,) very easy target for ridicule.   I expected this to be one of those moments that we would all roll our eyes over what ever piece of wisdom I was about to receive.    Instead, Dickie explained that he  had been testing the accuracy of the Truthometer Deluxe with basic test questions and statements which he knew the answers to in order to confirm and chart it's accuracy.  One particular statement caused our mechanical marvel to buzz, whirr, and emit a small amount of smoke, which  caused the Frugal One to panic and immediately exit the room where the Truthometer is stored.  Dickie was worried that as he had left it in a precarious position, and had not followed the proper steps in shutting it down, the result might be some long term damage.  After investigating and determining that no actual damage had occurred, I immediately suspended Dickie from any group activities for the next week and admonished him to never do such a stupid thing again.  As of now, I consider the whole incident over.

Looking back, I shake my head over how much supervision these idiots actually need.  I tell them and tell them and tell them not to touch the Truthometer Deluxe.   It's like baby-sitting a bunch of little kids.  All of this to determine if an actual piece of equipment is working or not.  Can't they see?  Of course, it works.  

Dickie's test statement? 

"Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business."

That's what Friends are for

At our weekly meeting yesterday, I was informed of some displeasure and dissension over my posting and creation of  yesterday's pocket reference guide comparing the Misfits to Zombies.  The prevailing thought that I was a bit harsh, unflattering, and a bit mean spirited in doing so.  Upon further reflection, I suppose it was a bit biting and, as a result, I immediately issued an  apology.   The Zombie representative accepted my apology and that was it. 

To follow-up in that direction, I note that one of our 2 faithful readers seems to be having a blue, introspective period.  Having extensive experience in dealing with, and recognizing situations requiring, harsh interventional  tactics, I immediately  reminded this reader of steps we here at FTI can take to correct such feelings.  In no uncertain order, they include: 

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about  how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are  well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

These are basic tactics anyone would perform to help a friend out of the dumps.  One other observation I have made is that a good friend would bail you out of jail.  A true friend would be in jail beside you. 

And people say there is no compassion left in the world anymore.  Ha!

Clip it Out and Save it

I recently received as a gift for my Birthday the book, "The Zombie Survival Guide".  I don't know what to make of it as it just reads a bit oddly.  I think the reason I am so confused is that it is obviously a humor piece, but, is written so cleverly and factually that you think it is serious.  Anyways, as I thumb through it,  I do see some reasoning for giving it to me in the first place.  The giver of the gift is aware of my position here as Executive Director of FTI and thought I might use it as a desktop reference on those days that I am feeling my situation seems a bit confusing.


As I was perusing it, it became clearer to me that there are several striking similarities between the Undead and the Misfits.  I have constructed a small, handy pocket reference guide belows.  Feel free to contact us here at FTI and we will rush you a free laminated  pocket sized replica for your wallet or purse to help you identify if you are actually dealing with a Zombie or have encountered one of the Misfits. 

Zombies	Misfits	Difference
No Intelligence	Low Intelligence	Minimal
No Language abilities	One of our guys can actually burp the "Star Spangled Banner"	Significant
No Social Dynamics	Our team set the World record for the Team Nosepicking Relay Race	We're still working on all of the words to "Kumbaya" presently.  We should be ready to perform at our Christmas Gala.
No Financial  Abilities	3 Words:  Dickie the Peap	Case Closed
Awkward Physical Coordination	Gummo the Balloon Boy can ride a bike and tie a balloon at the same time.  Blindfolded.	Useful when we conduct our off-site "Once-in-a-Lifetime/Everything Has Got To Go" vehicle disposal Sale

EDITORS NOTE:  Though this posting appears to be a helpful gift by the author for the good of the readership, full disclosure dictates this is actually the result of the state mandated once a year commitment for Community Service to be performed by the Flatline Thinking Insititute as part of their original Charter Agreement. 

Any advice given here should be taken in light of the disclosure made above.

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch.

And just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been handled by some snotty 6 year old kid.  So, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Even though they are crooks, they are very similar to our team

TIRANA (Reuters) – Two would-be Albanian bank robbers were arrested Wednesday as they tried to drill a passageway into a bank vault from a shop they had rented above it, police officials said.

In an aborted heist echoing the plot of the Woody Allen film "Small Time Crooks," the two men were caught after the noise from their drilling between the upper floor shop and the bank vault alerted the authorities.

"We moved in when they were in the last stages of finishing the tunnel," Tirana police chief Tonin Vocaj told reporters.

Jukebox: And we're not talkin' Kenny G

We all have a purpose

The Summer FTI Roadtrip "Quest for Normalcy" tour has been completed and I can now start focusing on other tasks at hand.  I have scheduled a meeting with my able-bodied Assistant Director/Trustee, Giacommo, for a full review of activities during my absence later this afternoon.  A cursory review of our daily Stupidity log indicates nothing out of the ordinary; of course, with Giacommo on watch I would have expected nothing less.  Regardless, I am prepared to deal swiftly and decisively should  anything arise. 

The final leg of our tour took us to Tulsa, Oklahoma in support of activities of Dilbertland.  As noted earlier, Dilbertland is overall fairly sane, though I can see some potential for unbridled stupidity lurking near the surface.  One of our 2 Faithful readers questioned the need to go to Oklahoma in an earlier comment: What? Tulsa? You are in Oklahoma, seriously? Who comes to Oklahoma ? to which I would reply in the same vein in regard to this site: What?  You are reading this stuff, seriously? Who reads this shit?  Not wanting to appear snarky or condescending, I gently remind our 2 faithful readers that if not for their unwavering periodic reading of this drivel, my work here would devolve into something equal to  the anonymous toiling away of an obituary writer for the weekly community newspaper. 

Upon further reflection, I just realized that at least that guy was writing about someone whom actually had a life.  The idiots I am surrounded with have never had one.

Get the roadies to hurry up

A quick update before I am out of here:

The final leg of the Summer FTI Roadtrip "Quest for Normalcy" tour kicks off today.  I am off To Tulsa, Oklahoma for a related function of Dilbertland activities and meetings.  Dilbertland is, by and large,  reliable, predictable, and dependable,  Lately, however, some actions and decisions have left me scratching my head to make me think perhaps this may actually be a preview for our fall FTI  tryouts scheduled for later in the season to add new members to our cast.  If so, I may have more ahead of me than I originally planned, 

Regardless, the environment should be target rich and the activities similar to what I experience on a daily basis.  I will try to make some remote broadcasts,  otherwise, a full report will be here on Thursday morning.   

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.
We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

This is akin to the discovery of penicillin

With absolute and full credit to Gummo, the Balloon Boy......

As part of our on-going therapy and long term care, independent studies and tests are conducted regularly here at FTI to help the Misfits cope with life's everyday pressures. 

Interestingly, one of our own, Gummo, the Balloon Boy, took it upon himself to develop some alternative, natural type of therapy that would not involve medication and to approach the problem from a "natural and holistic" perspective.  Spending countless hours into research, Gummo tested, revised, and ultimately, developed a marketable concept that is  summarized here.   Ultimately, his own double blind study proved that this method of relieving STRESS does not work and did nothing more than  give him a headache.

A remedial solution of  repeated Johnny Walker Red and water cocktails was developed and appears to be addressing the problem.

Jukebox: I hope they are ready for FTI

Once you leave.....

My recent decision to leave Facebook was an easy one.  Apparently, some people have "withdrawals" and go into a state of depression because they miss the interaction so much.  Me?  Not the case.  I had a total of 37  friends comprised in the following categories:  3  people I wish to speak to on a daily basis, 2 siblings, 6 people I know through Dilbertland, 21 people I knew through high school a million years ago and haven't spoke to or seen since, 4 cyber characters that I have absolutely no idea why they "friended" (is there such a word?) me,  and  the remaining one being The Green Comic.

Green mentioned both directly to me yesterday  and made a comment on this forum earlier  that he wished I would reinstate my membership as apparently no one is paying him any attention.  At this point, even negative attention from me is something he values and craves.  My occasional gentle reminders on Facebook to behave and act appropriately would be constantly met with his signature "HEY PAL!" greeting and then followed with some type of misspelled insult which I always found difficult to pay any attention over.  Still, he is one of our own and everyone needs a lift once in a while. I thought I would make a quick log-in, boost the pity factor on his own wall, and bail out once again.

Anyways,  I tried to  log back in yesterday and repeatedly got the message that my email address was no longer tied to any Facebook account.  I contacted the Facebook help desk and was informed that Green's account had been placed on a "Stupidity Watch" resulting in any present and past emails accounts of persons friended by the Green One were now subject to review, evaluation,  and possible termination for the protection of Facebook's own reputation of relevancy.  Apparently, they recognize idiocy as well and want no part of it at their site.

I wish we at FTI had some type of process to deal with  idiocy appropriately.  Facebook is so large they can cover it by having so many members that it can be hidden.  Our small organization does not have that luxury.   As it stands now, we can identify and recognize it, we just can't avoid it.    I guess I will just ignore it and get back to tending my crops at Farmville.   

The Komen people might want to rethink this whole thing

Yesterdays' staff meeting included the agenda item of this weekend's pending  activities.  Included was one that may be potentially troubleful:  The upcoming annual  "Komen Walk for the Cure Fundraiser" to battle breast cancer that is scheduled for our area.

Being past supporters of this fine event for nearly 5 years now, both Mrs. Kfred and I have participated in the fund raising walk portion of their various events.  This year, due to a scheduling conflict, Mrs. Kfred is going to participate as a booth volunteer at the pre-race instead of as a participant.  Understanding the importance of this cause, the Misfits want to be involved as well and have formed a team, "Rubes for Boobs" and want to walk as well.  My problem is that as Executive Director, my job is to preserve the small amount of dignity,  relevance, and importance of our own organization while  trying to babysit  our band of idiots while they march together in solidarity to help raise money to fund research into this horrible disease. 

Obviously, one of the greatest challenges is to determine a way to keep our group together in the sea of thousands of participants.  Various methods were discussed and debated, but in the end, it was decided that we will line the Misfits up, tie old bras to each of their left wrists,  then tie their free right wrist to the  adjacent Misfit's strapped left wrist and VOILA!  A nylon chain gang ala a bunch of 4 year olds at a downtown crosswalk.  Everyone is linked together, we're in a straight line, and no pushing.  (Gummo!  Hold onto the strap!)

I'm a little apprehensive about the whole thing and unsure of the reaction to our efforts.  Obviously, it takes all types and we want to do our part.  My fear is that some walkers will actually think they are attending a walk for the wrong cure and be confused which event is being conducted.  The "Crawl to Stall Idiocy" is the following weekend.  I am the Grand Marshall.