Wait until you see her when she doesn't have her tea and crumpets

Good job, Honey.

JUKEBOX: A Breezy, Eezy, Friday Tune

I guess I should have used the hoe

I ran across this news story and picture about a guy who was using one of those 5 gallon propane tanks and an accompanying 3 foot long wand for weed control around his house.  You can burn weeds right down to the ground and the intense heat many times will kill the root as well.  Some people prefer it to poison as it is safer for pets and kids.  I have considered getting one for use around the compound here but, just have never got around to picking one up.  You can get them at the farm or tractor supply store for about $25 (without the propane tank).  Anyways,  this guy decided to  head out doors and attack those pesky weeds.  He apparently had wet down the tree next to his house before firing up the torch, but,  the tree ignited anyway.  (Pine tree pitch is very flammable and apparently fed the fire.)   The story did not print the guy's name and, rather, referred to him as "the homeowner".  Firefighters had  no estimate of the amount of damage, but, did note significant damage to the roof, and water and smoke damage was found in the living areas of the house.

The good news is the local neighborhood homeowners association did enclose  the "Best Yard" award along with the 30 day notice to clean up the property.  

Why, we DO have something in common!

I think the folks at AARP hope the third time is the charm. These guys are like a bad case of jock itch: they just never stop. Well, I got news for them: I use rash powder regularly.

After my second contact to ol' A. Barry of the AARP following the original ridicule  response,  I get a third  solicitation in the mail over the weekend from Steve Cone, Director of Membership,  that now  seems kind of desperate. In fact, it's kind of sad.  Apparently the cool, free, insulated travel  bag they so heavily promoted the first time around, is now basically treated as a consolation  prize if you send in the $16 they want. This time,  the insulated travel bag is now included as an acknowledgment of me sending in some money.  I can only figure this enticement was not that great because it doesn't have the screaming announcement on the envelope about it.  The benefits Steve  recites of joining the AARP  include the "award-winning AARP The Magazine  that will help you feel great, save money and have fun".  Hmmm.  Who knew a magazine could do all of that?   The only magazine  I can  think of  that did 2 of those 3 things was  one the neighbor kid showed me when I was about 11 years old that he had stolen from under his Dad's bed.  If it's got that, I'm in.  Otherwise, I think I will pass.

Just before I prepared to toss this letter, I noticed that the $16 was for a one year membership, but, if I opted for the 5 year membership, I could take advantage of the AARP "Anniversary Discount" price of $55. Yep, that's right. Me and the ol' AARP are both turning 55 this year!  Who knew that so much good has been done for such an amount of time?  

Steve, I do have one question though.  We both have acquired knowledge, experience, and wisdom over the years.  Even at 17, I knew some things were wrong, but, obviously you guys didn't do anything about it because Mom made me wear one for graduation pictures.  Why the hell didn't you fight the prevalence of leisure suits?     

 

Jukebox: I guess this is what the AARP thinks I listen to

Coming Monday: the latest message from the AARP

An update to an old classic

Now demonstrating his propensity for utter and complete "fiscal restraint": [fiscal restraint (n): fis-cul re-straynt; the act of avoiding, denying, or objecting to payment of any kind whether in a social, business, or adversarial setting] in a location other than his own neighborhood, I note that the little miser is now practicing his finely honed art while on vacation.

I received a call the other day that he had the misfortune of actually having to buy lunch for his out of town hosts.  Failing to correctly identify the time-honored direct men's room route in advance of the check coming,  our boy instead excused himself upon viewing the waitress coming with the small paper based kryptonite.  Instead, he miscalculated and crossed the immediate  path of the server whom assumed he was late for another engagement and was searching for her in order to pay in an orderly fashion. She promptly handed him the check,thanked him for his patronage, told him to "have a nice day", and turned heel to attend to her other tables.    Our boy is now left with a  medical condition manifesting itself with a sudden breakout of body perspiration, elevated blood pressure, and an actual desire now to truly use the men's room for it's intended purpose.  

The vacation is only a week over with 2 more on on tap.  A new updated wall map consisting of, instead the image posted above, will be replaced with something along the order of this:  $$!  You can track progress by simply noting the sites of frustrated hosts as the little skinflint journeys  his way home.   

Oh yeah, we're suppose to have a BBQ, too

Really, You just figured it out now?

Either of our 2 loyal readers are familiar with my, and my neighbors, ongoing legal battle with the idiot developer (aka Dipshit) here where the compound is located.  For 5 freaking years, we have been tied up in a lawsuit (in  which we prevailed) and yet is still not finished as it is currently sitting on some appeal court clerk's desk waiting to be assigned a date to be heard before the 3 judge panel.  I am no longer worried about a reversal or partial change of decision.  The merits of the case pointed to only one logical outcome:  the total vindication and validation of our argument resulting in a complete victory.  Now, apparently, we have another believer as well:  The idiot defendant. 

I received word yesterday from Shifty's (my attorney) assistant that a new action has been started by Dipshit against Ms. Ding-a-Ling, his trial attorney, for legal malpractice and breach of fiduciary responsibility.  After taking a complete shellacking against us, after 5 years of legal wrangling, 4 additional years before that in creating the infrastructure to this whole mess, and, now, nearly 2 years past the actual verdict, he realized that perhaps this whole mess is because his attorney gave him bad advice.  In fact, he actually states in his motion for the lawsuit  that he would have done things differently if not for the advice of his attorney.      I guess the fact that multiple neighbors told him what he was doing was illegal, cited references to state law, and simple common sense never carried any weight in his thought process.  Of course, he bore no responsibility, no siree. He's smarter than all of that.  Ask him.    It's someone else's fault.  

It really is it's own sweet little reward.  I have spent too many hours in a dank, sterile, courtroom not sure if I would come out on the right end of this whole issue.  Now, I look forward to bring my own popcorn, sitting down in the lumpy upholstered chairs in the gallery, and watching these 2 snakes wrestle in a pit lying to a judge in an attempt to paint the other in the worst possible way.  

I guess justice is served.     

Here's the view from my chair

Away from official Institute business for a while, I am now safely ensconced back in the FTI Command Center and have retaken command of the good ship, Nutso.  But first, a few random observations and experiences during my absence:

• Having dispatched of DickieSkiltskin in a recent golf grudge match, (and continuing reining holder of the ceremonial thin quarter prize purse) I am rapidly beginning to think that, perhaps, my game would improve  if I were to ramp up the level of competition which I play.  The little miser is a worthy opponent, but, quite honestly,  I am thinking about checking the local rehab center to inquire if any patients want to improve their mobility by playing golf.


• While out of town recently, I needed to get some gas for the car.  Pulling all the way to the front pump  into an empty 2-island, 3 pump each, service station, I am greeted by the attendant running up to the car saying, "Whoa, Bud! You just came in my exit! There's the entrance; you have got to turn around. This is a one way station."  I had no idea what the guy was saying, but, he is pointing to the entry point on the lot.  It does indeed say "Exit Only" as I did not observe it when I pulled in.  I simply was aiming for the easiest route to get gas congruent to the side of the car on which the gas cap is located.  "One way station?", I ask. "What does that mean?" "You have to pull in there and exit through that way," he says, smiling with a smug little grin. "You've got to turn around".   I look at him, look behind him to the other island, look back at him, and then swivel  to look behind me.  There is nobody there.  "Turn around? There's nobody here!   I just need some gas."  "I know, but, you have got to turn around.  I can help you on this side", as he walks away to the other side of the island ready to do his job.  I hope he is still waiting for me.


• Mrs. Kfred greets me upon my return reporting that the sound system in the FTI Executive Living Quarters appears to be not fully functioning  and asks if I can investigate.  Normally a task assigned to the FTI IT Department (the most reviled department here at FTI), I decide I will save the hassle and check it out myself.  "It just stopped working", she tells me.  (EDITOR'S NOTE:  This is not the first time this description of service problems has been used and seems to be a go-to reason when determining the basis of service work provided here at the compound.)  Sure enough, the damn surround sound has crapped out and only functions after I unplug and reset the system only to fail within about 45 seconds. The system is a 15 year old proprietary Bose  system which means only Bose stuff works through it.  Calling the Bose customer service team, I am cheerfully told that, yes, it does appear to be in need of repair, and no, you can't run anyone elses equipment through their system.  The good news is that Bose will gladly  sell me their latest system if I want to trade in all of my current equipment at a steep 50% discount to current pricing.  That, my friends, is still over 1200 bones.  I am currently scouring Amazon for top rated non-proprietary  systems  for approximately 500 bucks.
  
  
• Saturday night was a perfect night for a backyard fire.  No wind, pleasant temperatures, good company, and plenty of ceremonial sacraments.  It was perfect.  It doesn't occur nearly often enough.  

And like a bad habit.  I am back.  Badder than ever.  

Jukebox: Nah, we're talking golfin'

Now, Who's boss?

Giving credit where credit is due (and to demonstrate to the little miser that this is not strictly a one-sided forum), I acknowledge and give kudos to the folks over at Comcast. Their past billing methods have left some practices to be desired, but, today my outlook is a bit more positive.

I received my monthly reminder that my Comcast bill was now available for viewing and payment. Fully expecting another royal mix-up and waiting to see what the corresponding spin on the Comcast "What-should-we-charge-'em-this-month?" Wheel of Income, I was presently surprised to find that my bill was under $105 for the month. This is the entire internet and digital premier/3 premium movie channel cable TV services for the month. I was fully expecting a battle of numbers, but, alas, they finally are charging me what they told me they would charge me.

Imagine that. Someone doing what they said they would do. It's an increasingly uncommon trait.

The prodigal son returns

One of the few rewards I recognize here is the opportunity of mentorship and ability to mold impressionable minds of certain individuals. Though, truly not an available option when dealing with the dim-witted Green Comic, idiot Rat Bastard G, or cheap-screw Dickie the Peap, once in a while an opportunity is afforded to me. Imagine, then, my surprise and pride when contacted by my former  able bodied Assistant/Resident Trustee, Giacommomo recently relating and updating me with his current status.

Either of our 2 faithful readers may remember his departure from the Institute over a year ago when he was recruited for a management position of a company in North Carolina. I have to believe that solely based on his affiliation and training here at FTI, his credentials, demeanor, polish, and yes, overcoming that nasty habit of pulling out his t-shirt and sneezing down his chest, met the qualifications any company would be looking for and he was swooped up and chosen. Of course, the limited budget we work on here afforded us no opportunity to make any type of counter-offer to retain him, so, we lost his services. Anyways, yesterday  he sent me a message via Linked-In (the social media site for us true, serious Professionals) that not only had he succeeded in his short time away, but, had received another promotion and was now living in the Atlanta area and quite happy! Certainly recognizing the true natural abilities and inner qualities that made him attractive as a job candidate, I take a sense of inner satisfaction knowing that he uses the thinking techniques, ideas, and rationalization gained through his apprenticeship program here at the Institute.  

I have updated the FTI Rolodex with all of his contact information for later reference.  I have a feeling it may come in handy should we ever move forward with our long sought expansion plans.  Does Georgia have laws restricting stupidity?

Jukebox: It's me versus Comcast

Move over Verizon

Construction is currently underway for expansion of the FTI Hall of Shame. I held a private induction ceremony yesterday for the newest member and, based on recent experience, feel they certainly are deserving honorees. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great ineptness (as they have demonstrated to me), I give you the folks over at Comcast Cable. Dealing with them is certainly not "Comcastic". For reference, I note they have dropped this slogan. Rightly so.

My monthly routine of paying bills was a bit different this month as I noticed my internet/cable bill had gone up $15 from the normal $129.99. I know we hadn't made any service changes or ordered any premium movies or events, so, I called Comcast Thursday to inquire about the difference. It turns out I  was charged a "prorated" $15 for the month for HBO service. Now, I maybe watch a total of 20 hours of TV a month. That's it. We have 150+ channels here at the compound and I think I view the same 4 regularly. I have so many because of the bundling of features along with my internet service I originally picked a package over 6 years ago that was most economical and, yet, delivered the stuff I wanted. One of the services was high definition broadcasting for both of the TV's located inside the Executive Living Quarters. HBO was thrown in 6 months ago as an incentive when I had an earlier issue, but, I really don't watch it that much and was prepared to let it go away. In speaking with the customer representative on the phone, it was obvious they don't want to lose any customers. I have read that customers are increasingly turning to Netflix and internet streaming programs to their computer versus traditional broadcast methods, so the cable companies are losing out. She made me an offer to allow me to keep the all of the same services I had, waive the $15 HBO charge, and move me to a $99.99 per month package for 1 year guaranteed. "Let me get this right: Same Services, waive the fee, keep the HBO, all for one year for a hundred bucks a month. Is that right?", I asked. "Yep, pretty cool, huh?", she replied. "OK, sign me up", I told her. I hung up the phone and thought I had scored a major deal.

Coincidentally, about the same time, Mrs. Kfred, our Institute Director of Safety and Chief Judge Judy viewer (we both LOVE Judge Judy), called to mention we had lost service on one of our TV's.  She called Comcast herself as well  and was advised that the control box was old and to return it for a replacement. I thought that as an odd coincidence, but, hey, whatever.  She did so on Fri and waited for me to return to the compound later in the day expecting me to set it up. It really is a pretty easy switch-out and I did so with relative ease.  Firing everything up, I noted that our high definition channels were blocked with the message that I needed to call Comcast in order to "order this service".   I go to the other TV, switch on the high-def channels, and everything is functioning perfectly.  Hmmm.............something is haywire here.  I call Comcast again, run through their automated phone tree maze hoping that somewhere, somehow, a real live someone will pick up the phone and I can resolve the matter.  Finally "Julio" answers the line and I explain to him my predicament.  He investigates my account and finally asserts that my new $99 monthly package DOES NOT include high-def programming.  I told him of my previous agreement and he said they could add the high def service but that it would be another $10 a month and a service work order to do so would be filled within in 48 hours.  WHAT!?   Now at this point, I am a bit peeved as I had the original phone rep. repeat the terms of the offer twice so there would be no misunderstanding.  I asked to speak with a supervisor and was told there was none available at the moment and that I could call back.  I let them know that they could set their clock by my follow-up call.

Calling back within 20 minutes, I immediately asked to speak with a second level Supervisor. "Caesar" comes on the line and confirms to me that the package I moved to was not a high-def. package and that for another $10 a month, I could, indeed, be enjoying all of the great programming that Comcast offered.  I politely and firmly informed me that was not the terms of my earlier agreement and  quite honestly, did not care for how Comcast ran their business.   He profusely apologizes for my inconvenience but that he can not offer me high def. programming without the added $10 monthly charge, but, would throw in Showtime, STARZ, and Cinemax for no charge for the next 6 months at the monthly level of $109.  Figuring that was the best I could do, I agree to the deal and now all is as described.

I still haven't paid the bill to this point, so, figure I will call Comcast Saturday to confirm the amount I owe  I get a 3rd phone rep who now gives me another, lower amount due!    Though I figure if I keep calling enough times, they will eventually pay me some money, it is frustrating that there is no consistent number from any of these people.    She also tells me that my "agreement" outlines all of these terms.  I ask her,  "what agreement?"  "You didn't get an agreement?", she asks.  "I will send you one. What's your email address?"  For Christ's sake, YOU ARE MY EMAIL PROVIDER!!  YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW?  

I still haven't received an agreement, I don't know what I owe; I do, though, have high definition channels to watch.   I am going to call again today and run the gamut with them again.  I think they have a Wheel of Fortune type wheel there at Comcast Central which they spin to determine your monthly bill.   In the meantime, I am collecting memorabilia to house here at the Shrine for ineptness.  I think it will be a large display.       

Jukebox: It's not the name of a boat

The way I see it:

I have been away with what seems an inordinate amount of issues to address. I have attended to most of them and can now get back to the mindless drivel displayed here on a semi-frequent basis. With that being said (my favorite set-up line) lets just get into a couple of random observations:

If we truly want to dispense justice in the Boston Marathon bombing case and I were in charge of things, I think I could accomplish the goals of both liberals and conservatives. I could spare the bomber's life and still meet the conservative's goal of vengeance without the outrageous costs associated with death penalty cases. How? I would humanely and surgically amputate the guy's legs, nurse him back to otherwise healthy status, and then turn him loose for the rest of his life with the caveat there is no further societal financial help for therapy, new prosthesis, or any other type of further assistance. Let him experience the life he has committed others to while not taking his. That seems appropriate to me.

I am always worried when I hear the word advocate. There are advocates for the homeless, children, elderly, environment, animals. You name it. And their ideas and positions all have one thing in common: it's gonna cost me some dough. I am not saying their cause is not just or wrong, but, they are always asking for money. There are just flat out some things for which there is no available money.

I don't know if In-n-Out Burgers are truly the best, but, they set a pretty high standard. I was in Oakland last week and stopped in for a cheeseburger. Maybe it's like the Coors beer phenomena of the 70's where distribution was so tightly controlled and it just seemed to taste better because you weren't exposed to it on a daily basis. There are no locations in my local marketplace, so, I can't enjoy them whenever I want; I don't know, that cheeseburger just seemed to be the best.

And finally, a little fun:*

A woman was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading the items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." She was a bit startled by this proclamation, yet, intrigued by the derelict's intuition, as indeed, she had never found Mr. Right. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Yes, you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

* this incident was both Neighbor Marv submitted and approved.

Jukebox: We all work for him

It's a fun, teaching moment

I spoke with Dickey the Peap over the Easter Holiday weekend. I was surprised at both the depths of frugality exhibited by the short armed one and, yet, amazed at the training he employs in developing a successive line of little Frugal Ones ensuring the future will always be tight. Rather than me, however, being the arbiter of such an issue, I will leave it to our 2 faithful readers to judge for themselves. Making a couple of slight variations in the information input port of the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe, I developed a simple visual test to confirm my suspicions, explored the possibilities, made my own determination, then ran it through the mechanical marvel for validation. As expected, total vindication was indicated.

A bit of background:  Apparently the 2 little Grand-Peaps were coming over later in the afternoon for an Easter Egg hunt.  Mrs. Dickey the Peap correctly surmised that perhaps the heat from the  brilliant sunshine would penetrate the inside of the plastic eggs being planted around the yard and melt the chocolate candy inside.  Dickey agreed and realized that wouldn't be too much fun for a couple of little kids to find melted goo around the yard and chose to cancel this event for "the kid's sake."  I suggested that instead of placing candy in the plastic eggs, he actually place a few coins or bills  inside.  They would still have the thrill of hunting the eggs and actually get something that would be of use to them in the future rather than a temporary sugar high.  Being part of no such type of thinking, the Frugal One immediately improvised an alternative plan that included both an instant reward which also could be used as a teaching aid for later in life.  I applaud the creativity, but do wonder at the "fun" factor.  ("Thanks, Grandpa.  That was a lot of fun".  Imagine the disappointment on the sweet, little, angelic faces.)     

I chronicle this experience only to share and have peer review done by our readership. The test is actually quite simple. What is pictured in this image that was included inside each of the eggs to be found:?

A)  That is a pair of small pinus sylvetris seedlings starting their life that will one day grow to be part of a strong and healthy forest eco-system.  

B)  Say, that isn't marijuana plants is it?  I hear they grow those things in the forest out there.  

C)  Those appear to be perfect  gifts for a couple of kids that will grow along side them in time.   Think of them as future, potential  stumps they could bury money under.

And the education continues.  

That's Right. We bad, We bad.

Normally the one to discover, direct, and deliver a good verbal kick in the ass, today it appears the target of my efforts appear to be myself. I actually underestimated the power, reputation, and general image of our FTI "Brand". Not realizing the impact we have upon people and entities, I obviously have something more here than what I had originally intended. Case in point: the immediate and swift backtrack by the folks over at World Entertainment.

A scant 16 hours after affiliating the slime operators of the money grabbing, thieving bastard, adult website operator to our own website here as unknowing sponsors to our efforts, the unauthorized $30 they lifted from our bank account a week earlier was mysteriously returned to the general coffers of the FTI Petty Cash fund with no apology, no explanation, or, for that matter, no request to never contact them again. Simply our 30 clams. I am a bit surprised that a request didn't accompany the funds to never mention them in the same breath again with our organization, but, on the other hand, I like to think they don't want to be messin' around with us here at FTI.

"We don't take too much shit, we take a little bit, we don't take no money."

Jukebox: He's on his way