I know I am saving money, but I don't need 6 of them.

I was standing in line waiting to pay for my purchases at Costco the other day when one of their employees came up  to me  and greeted me by name.  Knowing that I did not have my official FTI identification card around my neck, nor, wearing the brightly decorated,  ceremonial Executive Director's toque (which is worn during only the most solemn of FTI events), I was a bit surprised how this guy knew me.  After all, we strive to work in total anonymity here at FTI as  a cover story in explaining the low readership traffic we experience here on a daily basis.  Regardless, I digress;  this individual noted that I had spent x amount of dollars in the last year and that I could earn cash back on all of my purchases if I chose to get a Costco/American Express card.   Now, I already have an American Express card and was not interested in the Costco brand card and politely declined his offer.  I was surprised, however, how he knew my name.  He replied that the small scanner in his hand was used to  "shoot" my card while it was on top of my purchases as it ran up the conveyor belt at checkout.  Instantly, he had my name, address, purchase history, etc.  I inquired which aisle this device was located, but was met with a puzzled reply of "They are not for sale" and to "Have a nice Day".  The guy walked off. 

My thinking is simple.  (* Rim-shot.*   Cue all of the wise assed commenter's:  Your comments are welcome, but, please do not write "How many times have you heard that before?"  Our sophistication level at this blog is a bit higher than that.)  If I had such a device that I could point at the Misfits and immediately document their stupid actions, comments, and deeds, my life would be exponentially more efficient and leave me more time to do the things I really want to do.  Like waiting in line behind a bunch of kids and oblivious shoppers for a sample of tasty, restaurant quality, lasagna bites on sale today for $7.99.   

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch.

And just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Jukebox: But you can't make him drink

Excelente, Chile

I have nothing to add to this.  Simply look at these pictures.  (It may take some time to load, but is well worth it.)

Is that organic?

It seems than in today's "green" society (which we here at FTI are are huge supporters of with our regularly scheduled and observed Green Sunday feature), one of the newest ideas gaining traction is an age old one.  Developers and landowners wishing to clear lots, hillsides, and any other coveted areas for use are forgoing the use of herbicides or gas powered weed whackers and are returning to nature.  That's right: they are renting the services of  goats to clear large areas of ground of unwanted vegetation.   Goats have a very strong digestive system which allows them to eat most weeds that other foraging animals wouldn't eat.  In addition, the digestive system of the goat actually causes the seeds of the weeds they eat to be sterile, so, in following years, there are not as many weeds in that same area. 

The hillside surrounding the FTI compound is comparable to the ground that is described above.  Thistles, weeds, and deep underbrush seem to be the norm in this area.  The FTI Physical Plant/Landscaping department  suggested this method to our rotating Executive committee during a recent meeting to clear the vegetation in preparation for the construction of our brand new  bocci ball court.   Everyone seemed fine with this idea and a motion to  go ahead and contract with the owner of some local goats for this same type of service failed, however, to generate a second one  to be carried.

I guess the FTI commissary staff doesn't want to lose their garden to a bocci ball court.

Time for a new Lawyer

In a slam-dunk, short agenda,  you have got to be kidding me,  meeting conducted by the cheap-assed Board of Directors over the weekend, I have been easily reinstated and my Executive Director powers restored  here at FTI.  Honestly, I expected nothing less. 

As a recap to our potential lone, drop-in reader, I review:  My duties and responsibilities were stripped last week after describing our  same  aforementioned cheap-assed Board of Directors as "idiots".   Shifty, my legal representative, correctly pointed out that my use of the  word "idiot" was protected under my First Amendment rights and, though not tastefully used,  was used  a substitute for the more hurtful words of:

airhead, birdbrain, blockhead, bonehead, bubblehead, chowderhead, chucklehead,  cluck, clunk, cretin,  deadhead, dim bulb  dimwit, dip, dodo,  doofus [slang], dope, dork [slang], dullard, dumbbell, dumbhead, , dummkopf, dummy, dunce, dunderhead, fathead, gander, golem, goof, goon, half-wit, hammerhead, hardhead, ignoramus, imbecile, jackass, know-nothing, knucklehead, lamebrain,  loon, lump, lunkhead, meathead, moron, nimrod [slang], nincompoop, ninny, ninnyhammer, nit [chiefly British], nitwit, noddy, noodle, numskull  oaf, pinhead, prat [British], ratbag [chiefly Australian], saphead,  schnook [slang], simpleton, stock, stupe, stupid, thickhead, woodenhead, yahoo, yo-yo.

Our negotiated settlement allows me for the continuing use of the word "idiot" when signaling my displeasure with the Board.  In return, the Board gets to continue to refer to me as the sole Executive Director here at FTI. 

I thought the lawyer was supposed to be looking out for my best interests.   

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch.

And just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

10 Quick bulletpoints

Fully expecting to be reinstated and to have my Executive Director duties restored before the end of the  weekend, I have spent the last 48 hours in deep thought.  Some Random observations I wish to share: 

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. Was learning cursive really necessary?

6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

7. Bad decisions make good stories.

8. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

9. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

10. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

And here's a freebee:  Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

Jukebox: What I think I may do

Oh no. Not again.

Once again, I find myself in a precarious employment position.  I just don't understand.

After yesterday's honest attempt to be a part of the much vaunted "International Outreach" effort, apparently my description of the staff and cheap-assed Board of Directors as "idiots" hit a sour chord.  A full 8 months after the first time, I have once again been suspended and relieved of all of my duties pending a full review of my actions.

Times are tough.  People are jobless.  No one is hiring.  I get it.  As my duties and responsibilities are highly specific, I may indeed have trouble landing another gig.  Competitive institutes are not hiring.    Our few remaining peers have upgraded their thinking above ours and, as a result, have no need for my services.  I'm worried.  Where else could I go and be a part of a do-nothing organization? 

I guess there is always government. 

And they say Love is the universal language

Constant  observation and analysis by our idiot FTI IT team (the most reviled department at FTI), of our readership and demographics has created a new quandary  for me that I must now address.   I have a feeling this one has "trainwreck"written all over it.

Apparently, while taking a break from their assigned duties, one of the dweebs noticed that our readership includes a number of foreign readers whom choose to translate this shit into their own native language.  Google has a translation tool that allows phrases and websites to be easily converted.  (Why anyone would take the trouble to find this site, translate it into their own language to understand, read it, and then feel that they have accomplished something is beyond me.)  Now, the meddlesome, cheap-assed FTI  Board of Directors has gotten wind of this and want me to spearhead an "International Outreach" program in order to broaden our literary footprint and to create a global presence.

I tried to reason with our Board that with all of the discontent, upheaval, strife, and conflict currently engulfing the world, it makes no sense to me that we, as Americans, would want to inflame the passions of others any further.  Especially with this daily drivel.  They, of course, have a different view of our purpose here and would have no part of my argument.  Beaten into submission, I relented and told them that I would create a posting touting our skills, abilities, and to offer a description of our entire organization.  Noting that a recent reader had used the Bulgarian language translator to view this site, I offer this analysis for that simple minded reader somewhere in Eastern Europe.  This one is for you, pal.

Те наистина са идиоти

You can do it yourself here or I can translate:  They really are idiots.

We are here acting as your mental placebo

An odd concurrence of events have resulted in an unusually high volume of calls and inquiries into the FTI switchboard over the weekend.  I initially was not sure exactly what was going on, but,  now can relay how our membership and reader comments tie the whole thing  together. 

After Thursday's posting of a note received here at FTI of the  interest by a new website, Videojug.com, (their tag line is "get good at [fill in the blank]") inviting us to begin an affiliation with them, I thought nothing more of it.  I viewed it as a random, meaningless, email from one of the many crackpots whom contact us on a frequent basis.  Friday's random, unrelated posting of our Jukebox selection that was  intended  as a simple dedication to Mrs. Kfred  in marking our 29th Wedding Anniversary then generated the typical misspelled, all capitalized , response from the Green Comic whom, while well-meaning, seemingly comes across as an angry wing-nut.  Beginning Saturday morning and continuing all the way through 9 pm last night, however, the FTI switchboard became inundated with calls, inquiries, and requests by Videojug users asking how soon our contribution would be on their site.  Our under-skilled switchboard representatives had no idea what was going on and immediately summoned me from the Executive Director's quarters here at FTI to help determine what was going on.  Even I was at a loss.  What the hell are these people talking about?

It wasn't until last night that it all came together.  Fielding another call inquiring about how soon we would have a post up, I asked, "Excuse me madam.  What are you talking about?  What can we offer?  Why do you want to see  us on Videojug?" She replied,  "Research, I'm doing research.  I'm trying to find someone who is good at idiocy.  That Green Guy is a perfect example.  He has gotten good.  I always thought it was an inherent trait, but, I am trying to see if it can be learned."

Videojug and FTI: a marriage of reference and authority.   

        

Calisthenics FTI Style

Hey Kids! 

Here's a great way to act like one of the Weirdo's without causing Mom and Dad the shame of admitting your are housed at FTI.  Perform this great physical ability challenge and you will immediately be mistaken by others to be one of our team. 

The challenge is easy:   Without anyone watching you and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.  Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.  Your foot will change direction.   Better yet, ask Mom and Dad to try and then laugh with your friends when you see how dopey they look. 

The calorie loss is not due to the exercise but rather, the amount of energy used to repeatedly shake your head in disgust. 

Jukebox: 29 Years and counting. Happy Anniversary, Dear.

Are You Really Sure About This?

I received an email yesterday from Jemma  Clark, senior editor over at a new website, Videojug, whom is   searching for a select group of writers and bloggers to become Founder Members on Videojug Pages.  As she explains it, "Videojug is a powerful new self-publishing website that helps people with unique know-how & expertise (i.e. you) connect with our knowledge-hungry audience. I am searching for a select group of writers & bloggers to become Founder Members on Videojug Pages. I came across your blog - '(n) Flatline Thinking' - and was really impressed. I'd like to invite you to join our growing community of writers."  She also wanted to entice me to join by offering a "coveted Founders Badge" to prove I was part of the organization.  Of course, I didn't tell I already have the only one that matters. 

As flattered, impressed, and awestruck as I am by all of this newfound attention, I don't have the heart to inform Ms. Clark that, for the success of her new website,  I probably won't be joining her organization.  Based on the readership of this published daily struggle, apparently (and rightly) there is no huge demand for knowledge of our efforts here at FTI.  Our 2 faithful readers drop by periodically to trade verbal jabs with me and then are not tracked again for a couple of days.  Additional extensive analysis has shown that the other handful of readers here are a result  of a misdirected search engine query of individuals inquiring about the phrases "pocket-lint creations" and "blogs resembling fatal accidents". 

Ms. Clark:  I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.  I hope you make a million dollars as you move forward.  I hope you become the knowledge/resource site of the masses.  I am just not sure if our contribution will push you to that level.    We've contributed to 3 similar organizations in the past; none of them are still around.  Something about lack of content. 

Sensitivity Class is upcoming

Our group of Misfit's tend to behave themselves fairly regularly, and other than their frequent bouts of stupidity, normally act in an acceptable manner most of the time.    Our rules and code of conduct are strictly enforced.  A recent incident here highlighted the need for continuing reminders of these rules.

The Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe, is a highly sensitive, finely tuned, precisely calibrated instrument for determining the truth and is not a toy.  Each of the Misfits has that fact drilled into them on a regular basis, and I tolerate no deviation from this policy.  I was taken back a bit, then, when Dickie the Peap came up to me surprised, excited, out of breath and explaining that he had something to tell me about our mainstay marvel here at FTI.  Now, our 2 loyal readers know that the short-armed one is a frequent, (and might I add,) very easy target for ridicule.   I expected this to be one of those moments that we would all roll our eyes over what ever piece of wisdom I was about to receive.    Instead, Dickie explained that he  had been testing the accuracy of the Truthometer Deluxe with basic test questions and statements which he knew the answers to in order to confirm and chart it's accuracy.  One particular statement caused our mechanical marvel to buzz, whirr, and emit a small amount of smoke, which  caused the Frugal One to panic and immediately exit the room where the Truthometer is stored.  Dickie was worried that as he had left it in a precarious position, and had not followed the proper steps in shutting it down, the result might be some long term damage.  After investigating and determining that no actual damage had occurred, I immediately suspended Dickie from any group activities for the next week and admonished him to never do such a stupid thing again.  As of now, I consider the whole incident over.

Looking back, I shake my head over how much supervision these idiots actually need.  I tell them and tell them and tell them not to touch the Truthometer Deluxe.   It's like baby-sitting a bunch of little kids.  All of this to determine if an actual piece of equipment is working or not.  Can't they see?  Of course, it works.  

Dickie's test statement? 

"Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business."

That's what Friends are for

At our weekly meeting yesterday, I was informed of some displeasure and dissension over my posting and creation of  yesterday's pocket reference guide comparing the Misfits to Zombies.  The prevailing thought that I was a bit harsh, unflattering, and a bit mean spirited in doing so.  Upon further reflection, I suppose it was a bit biting and, as a result, I immediately issued an  apology.   The Zombie representative accepted my apology and that was it. 

To follow-up in that direction, I note that one of our 2 faithful readers seems to be having a blue, introspective period.  Having extensive experience in dealing with, and recognizing situations requiring, harsh interventional  tactics, I immediately  reminded this reader of steps we here at FTI can take to correct such feelings.  In no uncertain order, they include: 

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about  how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are  well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

These are basic tactics anyone would perform to help a friend out of the dumps.  One other observation I have made is that a good friend would bail you out of jail.  A true friend would be in jail beside you. 

And people say there is no compassion left in the world anymore.  Ha!

Clip it Out and Save it

I recently received as a gift for my Birthday the book, "The Zombie Survival Guide".  I don't know what to make of it as it just reads a bit oddly.  I think the reason I am so confused is that it is obviously a humor piece, but, is written so cleverly and factually that you think it is serious.  Anyways, as I thumb through it,  I do see some reasoning for giving it to me in the first place.  The giver of the gift is aware of my position here as Executive Director of FTI and thought I might use it as a desktop reference on those days that I am feeling my situation seems a bit confusing.


As I was perusing it, it became clearer to me that there are several striking similarities between the Undead and the Misfits.  I have constructed a small, handy pocket reference guide belows.  Feel free to contact us here at FTI and we will rush you a free laminated  pocket sized replica for your wallet or purse to help you identify if you are actually dealing with a Zombie or have encountered one of the Misfits. 

Zombies	Misfits	Difference
No Intelligence	Low Intelligence	Minimal
No Language abilities	One of our guys can actually burp the "Star Spangled Banner"	Significant
No Social Dynamics	Our team set the World record for the Team Nosepicking Relay Race	We're still working on all of the words to "Kumbaya" presently.  We should be ready to perform at our Christmas Gala.
No Financial  Abilities	3 Words:  Dickie the Peap	Case Closed
Awkward Physical Coordination	Gummo the Balloon Boy can ride a bike and tie a balloon at the same time.  Blindfolded.	Useful when we conduct our off-site "Once-in-a-Lifetime/Everything Has Got To Go" vehicle disposal Sale

EDITORS NOTE:  Though this posting appears to be a helpful gift by the author for the good of the readership, full disclosure dictates this is actually the result of the state mandated once a year commitment for Community Service to be performed by the Flatline Thinking Insititute as part of their original Charter Agreement. 

Any advice given here should be taken in light of the disclosure made above.

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch.

And just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been handled by some snotty 6 year old kid.  So, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Even though they are crooks, they are very similar to our team

TIRANA (Reuters) – Two would-be Albanian bank robbers were arrested Wednesday as they tried to drill a passageway into a bank vault from a shop they had rented above it, police officials said.

In an aborted heist echoing the plot of the Woody Allen film "Small Time Crooks," the two men were caught after the noise from their drilling between the upper floor shop and the bank vault alerted the authorities.

"We moved in when they were in the last stages of finishing the tunnel," Tirana police chief Tonin Vocaj told reporters.