You are here. And here. And over here, too.

I was able to squeeze in another grudge match golf game with the little miser yesterday.  We haven't played much this summer due to our conflicting schedules, but, we both committed to the date, the weather cooperated, and we had a great time.  We are approaching probably the last of our scheduled matches as the weather is beginning to turn, and we won't have many more opportunities.    For the record, I beat the short-armed one by 2 strokes and, of course, regained the ceremonial quarter in the exact same condition I had given it up 6 weeks earlier when he beat me by 9 (yes, NINE) strokes. You see,  I had secretly marked the quarter with the term "CHEAPSKATE" etched around the outside edge before handing it over previously as I long suspected that the Frugal One would never part with any quarter, regardless of the circumstances under which it was attained.    Sure enough, my suspicions were confirmed.  The "cheapskate" quarter is back in my possession.       

As compensation for his poor performance on the golf course, however, it was the decision of Dickie Skiltskin to instead focus on my failure to properly read the map of the golf course.  I misdirected our play to  the wrong hole at one point and we ended up getting "lost" on the course.  Finally figuring out where we went wrong, we had to walk an extra 400 yards to the proper point to regain the proper progression of play.  Lost in all of the whining and complaining  was the fact that, at this point, our boy was down 7 strokes to me and fading fast.  I actually offered him that I would penalize myself 5 strokes for the screw-up for compensation and as an incentive to cheer him up for being so far behind.  Hard-headed and vigorously denying that he needed no charity, the little Arnold wannabe played on.  It was the last hole where my wheels fell off (water hazard, lost ball, etc.) and I  lost the hole by 5 strokes.  Had Mr. Golf taken me up on my generous offer, he actually would have won the match by 3 strokes.  But nooooooo, he soldiered on, won the hole, lost the match, and then has the audacity to say, "Well, I know you won, but it wasn't very pretty".  Really!?  Who has the quarter?

Enjoying the 19th hole where we both scored some well deserved beer, we were able to recap our game and the events of the afternoon.     Feeling the effects of the beer, our boy asked me "which way to the restroom?"    Coming back a bit later, I note his frustrated face.  "You dumb shit! That was the ladies room!  The men's is over on the other side",  he said.

I guess I should have studied the layout  of the clubhouse in the first place.  Had I done so, I would have purposely sent him to the clubhouse showroom.   Perhaps he could have found a set of clubs that would help lower his score.   

A guy's resource to meet his future wife

Certainly not afraid to swing at both sides of  an issue or to worry about someone's "self-esteem" (remember when that was such a buzz-word in the 80's?),  I do find this little story at the expense of the Catholics a bit humorous.   Next up:  a swipe at the idiot politicians for putting us in this current mess.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads."

Trust Me. I am a Medical professional.

Having been recently diagnosed to be fully recovered and ready to go  by medical professionals, I am now in the position to resume my semi-frequently activities here at the Institute.  I have been assured that resumption of my duties here will not affect my over all health and I should be no worse for the wear.    I did find the parting conversation with the medical professional a bit odd in the sense that it flew in the face of conventional medical wisdom that I have read before and provide a written transcript of the conversation  here for our 2 faithful readers evaluation.

For the record, the doctor is an older, experienced medical professional whom arrived in this country over 45 years ago from China.  Though being here for so long, his English speaking skills are a bit weaker than most and during our conversation, I now know why.  Anyway, I was fortunate to have recorded it and relay it here, word for word.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.
Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

There it is.  I can't explain it.  I have read and re-read it and it all seems to make sense.  I can only surmise that speaking English is what apparently kills you.   

.......And forgive those whom Trespass against us

Slowly easing back into my duties and responsibilities here at the Institute, I offer this contribution from Marv, the Neighbor, as an example of some of the heavy reading which I have undertaken this summer during hiatus:

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.  "Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.  "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes" - and he calmly returned to his seat.

This shouldn't be that tough

Vaunted by the extensive blog  security measures  employed here at the Institute, I couldn't remember the friggin' password to access my own Blog!  As a result my summer hiatus continues.   

Directing our know-little, do-nothing FTI IT staff (the most reviled  dept. here at FTI) develop some sort of method to aide me in accessing my own website, the best they could come up with was to either, a) change the password to "password"; b) drop our  security package entirely allowing continuing guest commentary and contribution from whomever sits down at the public kiosk from which this all emanates; or c) simply re-post already published articles eliminating the need for security as the information will already be known. Finding all 3 proposals as unacceptable, I immediately and forthrightly dismissed the entire staff and am now scouring the Linked-in website for qualified replacements.   Qualifications are simple:  know a little about computers, understand that what I say go's, and be willing to be a part of a constantly hated, minimally respected, team of deadbeats, slackers, and losers.  

In other words: trying to match the team to the target audience.   

And on the 4th of July no less

I was all set to write today about my vacation when Kfred Jr 2 sent a message and some pictures home from Afghanistan.  I thought I would share the story (most of you already know it) with our 2 faithful readers however, as you are not direct family.

Jr. 2 told us that he was going to be up for an End of Tour duty  award while serving in Afghanistan to be presented by Senator John McCain..  He still has 3 more weeks to go before he rotates out and we figured that, though noteworthy, the ceremony would be "routine."  Again, not to downplay the significance or accomplishment, rather, another part of the military life with a bonus of the fact that he would meet McCain.    After sending the pictures, though, we noted that the award was actually the Bronze Star! He received it for exemplary conduct "while serving with friendly foreign forces engaged in an armed conflict against an opposing armed force in which the United States is not a belligerent party."  Wow.  That's big.  

There is nothing else to say.  Do you think his Dad is proud?  Yeah, he is.    

How I SPENT my Summer Vacation

Poring over the bills from my summer excursion, I now understand the frugality of the little miser.

Mrs. Kfred  and I spent a long planned week in California driving from San Diego up to San Francisco with another couple.  And we had a fabulous time.  I had planned and reserved some hotels in advance via Priceline and Hotels.com, so, I knew my costs going in and actually cut some pretty good bargains.  As I had prepaid them before I left, that expense was already addressed.  As we get on the road though, well, it's time to eat lunch  and get a couple of microbrews for 4. "Thanks folks. Enjoy the rest of your vacation, I will be your cashier."  Sounds innocuous enough.  That will be $85 please.  Hey, here we are at the 18th of Pebble Beach.  Let's eat there.  Yeah, that sounds good. Yike's! they're kind of proud of their setting here.  Oh I know, but c'mon it's Pebble Beach; when are you going to be back here anytime soon? Yeah, you're right. Lets sit outside in the sun. "Table for 4? No problem. You can sit right here.  Let me tell you about the lunch specials". $181 for lunch was a bit of a shocker, but, you know, it will be a long time before I probably go back and I WAS at Pebble Beach.

We go to Mission Ranch in Carmel to have dinner At Clint Eastwood's place.  It's an old working cattle farm on the Bay that he rescued from bankruptcy years ago which was slated to be bought by a bunch of condo developers.  They have a restaurant and piano bar that was a lot of fun and is supposedly frequented by Eastwood frequently on weeknights.  Of course, he didn't show when we ate there, but it was a fun experience.  Apparently, he is getting a little grumpier in his old age and doesn't deviate far from some of his recent movie characters when it comes to pleasantries.  Regardless, dinner for 4 was nothing that couldn't be defeated by the better part of 4 Franklins. 

I know we spent more on food than we did on hotels.  But, hey, I'm on vacation.     I wonder if Pricleine will consider starting a name-your-own-price for dinner option.  

    

OH, I am back alright

The 2013 summer excursion is over.  I'm back.  And I've got some new ideas to discuss.    And you will see it soon:

 My 2.3 million dollar yacht shopping experience..  The Hearst Foundation's refusal to bargain seriously about the castle.  The failed balloon ride.   Lunch at Pebble Beach.  And the San Francisco treat. Staffers are feverishly working on matching photos with stories.  They are on their way.  I promise.  

Wait until you see her when she doesn't have her tea and crumpets

Good job, Honey.

JUKEBOX: A Breezy, Eezy, Friday Tune

I guess I should have used the hoe

I ran across this news story and picture about a guy who was using one of those 5 gallon propane tanks and an accompanying 3 foot long wand for weed control around his house.  You can burn weeds right down to the ground and the intense heat many times will kill the root as well.  Some people prefer it to poison as it is safer for pets and kids.  I have considered getting one for use around the compound here but, just have never got around to picking one up.  You can get them at the farm or tractor supply store for about $25 (without the propane tank).  Anyways,  this guy decided to  head out doors and attack those pesky weeds.  He apparently had wet down the tree next to his house before firing up the torch, but,  the tree ignited anyway.  (Pine tree pitch is very flammable and apparently fed the fire.)   The story did not print the guy's name and, rather, referred to him as "the homeowner".  Firefighters had  no estimate of the amount of damage, but, did note significant damage to the roof, and water and smoke damage was found in the living areas of the house.

The good news is the local neighborhood homeowners association did enclose  the "Best Yard" award along with the 30 day notice to clean up the property.  

Why, we DO have something in common!

I think the folks at AARP hope the third time is the charm. These guys are like a bad case of jock itch: they just never stop. Well, I got news for them: I use rash powder regularly.

After my second contact to ol' A. Barry of the AARP following the original ridicule  response,  I get a third  solicitation in the mail over the weekend from Steve Cone, Director of Membership,  that now  seems kind of desperate. In fact, it's kind of sad.  Apparently the cool, free, insulated travel  bag they so heavily promoted the first time around, is now basically treated as a consolation  prize if you send in the $16 they want. This time,  the insulated travel bag is now included as an acknowledgment of me sending in some money.  I can only figure this enticement was not that great because it doesn't have the screaming announcement on the envelope about it.  The benefits Steve  recites of joining the AARP  include the "award-winning AARP The Magazine  that will help you feel great, save money and have fun".  Hmmm.  Who knew a magazine could do all of that?   The only magazine  I can  think of  that did 2 of those 3 things was  one the neighbor kid showed me when I was about 11 years old that he had stolen from under his Dad's bed.  If it's got that, I'm in.  Otherwise, I think I will pass.

Just before I prepared to toss this letter, I noticed that the $16 was for a one year membership, but, if I opted for the 5 year membership, I could take advantage of the AARP "Anniversary Discount" price of $55. Yep, that's right. Me and the ol' AARP are both turning 55 this year!  Who knew that so much good has been done for such an amount of time?  

Steve, I do have one question though.  We both have acquired knowledge, experience, and wisdom over the years.  Even at 17, I knew some things were wrong, but, obviously you guys didn't do anything about it because Mom made me wear one for graduation pictures.  Why the hell didn't you fight the prevalence of leisure suits?     

 

Jukebox: I guess this is what the AARP thinks I listen to

Coming Monday: the latest message from the AARP

An update to an old classic

Now demonstrating his propensity for utter and complete "fiscal restraint": [fiscal restraint (n): fis-cul re-straynt; the act of avoiding, denying, or objecting to payment of any kind whether in a social, business, or adversarial setting] in a location other than his own neighborhood, I note that the little miser is now practicing his finely honed art while on vacation.

I received a call the other day that he had the misfortune of actually having to buy lunch for his out of town hosts.  Failing to correctly identify the time-honored direct men's room route in advance of the check coming,  our boy instead excused himself upon viewing the waitress coming with the small paper based kryptonite.  Instead, he miscalculated and crossed the immediate  path of the server whom assumed he was late for another engagement and was searching for her in order to pay in an orderly fashion. She promptly handed him the check,thanked him for his patronage, told him to "have a nice day", and turned heel to attend to her other tables.    Our boy is now left with a  medical condition manifesting itself with a sudden breakout of body perspiration, elevated blood pressure, and an actual desire now to truly use the men's room for it's intended purpose.  

The vacation is only a week over with 2 more on on tap.  A new updated wall map consisting of, instead the image posted above, will be replaced with something along the order of this:  $$!  You can track progress by simply noting the sites of frustrated hosts as the little skinflint journeys  his way home.   

Oh yeah, we're suppose to have a BBQ, too

Really, You just figured it out now?

Either of our 2 loyal readers are familiar with my, and my neighbors, ongoing legal battle with the idiot developer (aka Dipshit) here where the compound is located.  For 5 freaking years, we have been tied up in a lawsuit (in  which we prevailed) and yet is still not finished as it is currently sitting on some appeal court clerk's desk waiting to be assigned a date to be heard before the 3 judge panel.  I am no longer worried about a reversal or partial change of decision.  The merits of the case pointed to only one logical outcome:  the total vindication and validation of our argument resulting in a complete victory.  Now, apparently, we have another believer as well:  The idiot defendant. 

I received word yesterday from Shifty's (my attorney) assistant that a new action has been started by Dipshit against Ms. Ding-a-Ling, his trial attorney, for legal malpractice and breach of fiduciary responsibility.  After taking a complete shellacking against us, after 5 years of legal wrangling, 4 additional years before that in creating the infrastructure to this whole mess, and, now, nearly 2 years past the actual verdict, he realized that perhaps this whole mess is because his attorney gave him bad advice.  In fact, he actually states in his motion for the lawsuit  that he would have done things differently if not for the advice of his attorney.      I guess the fact that multiple neighbors told him what he was doing was illegal, cited references to state law, and simple common sense never carried any weight in his thought process.  Of course, he bore no responsibility, no siree. He's smarter than all of that.  Ask him.    It's someone else's fault.  

It really is it's own sweet little reward.  I have spent too many hours in a dank, sterile, courtroom not sure if I would come out on the right end of this whole issue.  Now, I look forward to bring my own popcorn, sitting down in the lumpy upholstered chairs in the gallery, and watching these 2 snakes wrestle in a pit lying to a judge in an attempt to paint the other in the worst possible way.  

I guess justice is served.     

Here's the view from my chair

Away from official Institute business for a while, I am now safely ensconced back in the FTI Command Center and have retaken command of the good ship, Nutso.  But first, a few random observations and experiences during my absence:

• Having dispatched of DickieSkiltskin in a recent golf grudge match, (and continuing reining holder of the ceremonial thin quarter prize purse) I am rapidly beginning to think that, perhaps, my game would improve  if I were to ramp up the level of competition which I play.  The little miser is a worthy opponent, but, quite honestly,  I am thinking about checking the local rehab center to inquire if any patients want to improve their mobility by playing golf.


• While out of town recently, I needed to get some gas for the car.  Pulling all the way to the front pump  into an empty 2-island, 3 pump each, service station, I am greeted by the attendant running up to the car saying, "Whoa, Bud! You just came in my exit! There's the entrance; you have got to turn around. This is a one way station."  I had no idea what the guy was saying, but, he is pointing to the entry point on the lot.  It does indeed say "Exit Only" as I did not observe it when I pulled in.  I simply was aiming for the easiest route to get gas congruent to the side of the car on which the gas cap is located.  "One way station?", I ask. "What does that mean?" "You have to pull in there and exit through that way," he says, smiling with a smug little grin. "You've got to turn around".   I look at him, look behind him to the other island, look back at him, and then swivel  to look behind me.  There is nobody there.  "Turn around? There's nobody here!   I just need some gas."  "I know, but, you have got to turn around.  I can help you on this side", as he walks away to the other side of the island ready to do his job.  I hope he is still waiting for me.


• Mrs. Kfred greets me upon my return reporting that the sound system in the FTI Executive Living Quarters appears to be not fully functioning  and asks if I can investigate.  Normally a task assigned to the FTI IT Department (the most reviled department here at FTI), I decide I will save the hassle and check it out myself.  "It just stopped working", she tells me.  (EDITOR'S NOTE:  This is not the first time this description of service problems has been used and seems to be a go-to reason when determining the basis of service work provided here at the compound.)  Sure enough, the damn surround sound has crapped out and only functions after I unplug and reset the system only to fail within about 45 seconds. The system is a 15 year old proprietary Bose  system which means only Bose stuff works through it.  Calling the Bose customer service team, I am cheerfully told that, yes, it does appear to be in need of repair, and no, you can't run anyone elses equipment through their system.  The good news is that Bose will gladly  sell me their latest system if I want to trade in all of my current equipment at a steep 50% discount to current pricing.  That, my friends, is still over 1200 bones.  I am currently scouring Amazon for top rated non-proprietary  systems  for approximately 500 bucks.
  
  
• Saturday night was a perfect night for a backyard fire.  No wind, pleasant temperatures, good company, and plenty of ceremonial sacraments.  It was perfect.  It doesn't occur nearly often enough.  

And like a bad habit.  I am back.  Badder than ever.  

Jukebox: Nah, we're talking golfin'

Now, Who's boss?

Giving credit where credit is due (and to demonstrate to the little miser that this is not strictly a one-sided forum), I acknowledge and give kudos to the folks over at Comcast. Their past billing methods have left some practices to be desired, but, today my outlook is a bit more positive.

I received my monthly reminder that my Comcast bill was now available for viewing and payment. Fully expecting another royal mix-up and waiting to see what the corresponding spin on the Comcast "What-should-we-charge-'em-this-month?" Wheel of Income, I was presently surprised to find that my bill was under $105 for the month. This is the entire internet and digital premier/3 premium movie channel cable TV services for the month. I was fully expecting a battle of numbers, but, alas, they finally are charging me what they told me they would charge me.

Imagine that. Someone doing what they said they would do. It's an increasingly uncommon trait.

The prodigal son returns

One of the few rewards I recognize here is the opportunity of mentorship and ability to mold impressionable minds of certain individuals. Though, truly not an available option when dealing with the dim-witted Green Comic, idiot Rat Bastard G, or cheap-screw Dickie the Peap, once in a while an opportunity is afforded to me. Imagine, then, my surprise and pride when contacted by my former  able bodied Assistant/Resident Trustee, Giacommomo recently relating and updating me with his current status.

Either of our 2 faithful readers may remember his departure from the Institute over a year ago when he was recruited for a management position of a company in North Carolina. I have to believe that solely based on his affiliation and training here at FTI, his credentials, demeanor, polish, and yes, overcoming that nasty habit of pulling out his t-shirt and sneezing down his chest, met the qualifications any company would be looking for and he was swooped up and chosen. Of course, the limited budget we work on here afforded us no opportunity to make any type of counter-offer to retain him, so, we lost his services. Anyways, yesterday  he sent me a message via Linked-In (the social media site for us true, serious Professionals) that not only had he succeeded in his short time away, but, had received another promotion and was now living in the Atlanta area and quite happy! Certainly recognizing the true natural abilities and inner qualities that made him attractive as a job candidate, I take a sense of inner satisfaction knowing that he uses the thinking techniques, ideas, and rationalization gained through his apprenticeship program here at the Institute.  

I have updated the FTI Rolodex with all of his contact information for later reference.  I have a feeling it may come in handy should we ever move forward with our long sought expansion plans.  Does Georgia have laws restricting stupidity?