1) \ˈflat-ˌlīn\ \ˈthiŋk-ing\ the written documentation of actions and observations by a person apparently in a state of no progress or advancement.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Trust Me. I am a Medical professional.
For the record, the doctor is an older, experienced medical professional whom arrived in this country over 45 years ago from China. Though being here for so long, his English speaking skills are a bit weaker than most and during our conversation, I now know why. Anyway, I was fortunate to have recorded it and relay it here, word for word.
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.
Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
There it is. I can't explain it. I have read and re-read it and it all seems to make sense. I can only surmise that speaking English is what apparently kills you.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
.......And forgive those whom Trespass against us
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
This shouldn't be that tough
Thursday, July 4, 2013
And on the 4th of July no less
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
How I SPENT my Summer Vacation
Monday, July 1, 2013
OH, I am back alright
My 2.3 million dollar yacht shopping experience.. The Hearst Foundation's refusal to bargain seriously about the castle. The failed balloon ride. Lunch at Pebble Beach. And the San Francisco treat. Staffers are feverishly working on matching photos with stories. They are on their way. I promise.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
I guess I should have used the hoe
Monday, June 10, 2013
Why, we DO have something in common!
Friday, June 7, 2013
Jukebox: I guess this is what the AARP thinks I listen to
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
An update to an old classic
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Really, You just figured it out now?
Monday, May 20, 2013
Here's the view from my chair
- Having dispatched of DickieSkiltskin in a recent golf grudge match, (and continuing reining holder of the ceremonial thin quarter prize purse) I am rapidly beginning to think that, perhaps, my game would improve if I were to ramp up the level of competition which I play. The little miser is a worthy opponent, but, quite honestly, I am thinking about checking the local rehab center to inquire if any patients want to improve their mobility by playing golf.
- While out of town recently, I needed to get some gas for the car. Pulling all the way to the front pump into an empty 2-island, 3 pump each, service station, I am greeted by the attendant running up to the car saying, "Whoa, Bud! You just came in my exit! There's the entrance; you have got to turn around. This is a one way station." I had no idea what the guy was saying, but, he is pointing to the entry point on the lot. It does indeed say "Exit Only" as I did not observe it when I pulled in. I simply was aiming for the easiest route to get gas congruent to the side of the car on which the gas cap is located. "One way station?", I ask. "What does that mean?" "You have to pull in there and exit through that way," he says, smiling with a smug little grin. "You've got to turn around". I look at him, look behind him to the other island, look back at him, and then swivel to look behind me. There is nobody there. "Turn around? There's nobody here! I just need some gas." "I know, but, you have got to turn around. I can help you on this side", as he walks away to the other side of the island ready to do his job. I hope he is still waiting for me.
- Mrs. Kfred greets me upon my return reporting that the sound system in the FTI Executive Living Quarters appears to be not fully functioning and asks if I can investigate. Normally a task assigned to the FTI IT Department (the most reviled department here at FTI), I decide I will save the hassle and check it out myself. "It just stopped working", she tells me. (EDITOR'S NOTE: This is not the first time this description of service problems has been used and seems to be a go-to reason when determining the basis of service work provided here at the compound.) Sure enough, the damn surround sound has crapped out and only functions after I unplug and reset the system only to fail within about 45 seconds. The system is a 15 year old proprietary Bose system which means only Bose stuff works through it. Calling the Bose customer service team, I am cheerfully told that, yes, it does appear to be in need of repair, and no, you can't run anyone elses equipment through their system. The good news is that Bose will gladly sell me their latest system if I want to trade in all of my current equipment at a steep 50% discount to current pricing. That, my friends, is still over 1200 bones. I am currently scouring Amazon for top rated non-proprietary systems for approximately 500 bucks.
- Saturday night was a perfect night for a backyard fire. No wind, pleasant temperatures, good company, and plenty of ceremonial sacraments. It was perfect. It doesn't occur nearly often enough.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Now, Who's boss?
I received my monthly reminder that my Comcast bill was now available for viewing and payment. Fully expecting another royal mix-up and waiting to see what the corresponding spin on the Comcast "What-should-we-charge-'em-this-month?" Wheel of Income, I was presently surprised to find that my bill was under $105 for the month. This is the entire internet and digital premier/3 premium movie channel cable TV services for the month. I was fully expecting a battle of numbers, but, alas, they finally are charging me what they told me they would charge me.
Imagine that. Someone doing what they said they would do. It's an increasingly uncommon trait.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
The prodigal son returns
I have updated the FTI Rolodex with all of his contact information for later reference. I have a feeling it may come in handy should we ever move forward with our long sought expansion plans. Does Georgia have laws restricting stupidity?
Friday, May 3, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Move over Verizon
Coincidentally, about the same time, Mrs. Kfred, our Institute Director of Safety and Chief Judge Judy viewer (we both LOVE Judge Judy), called to mention we had lost service on one of our TV's. She called Comcast herself as well and was advised that the control box was old and to return it for a replacement. I thought that as an odd coincidence, but, hey, whatever. She did so on Fri and waited for me to return to the compound later in the day expecting me to set it up. It really is a pretty easy switch-out and I did so with relative ease. Firing everything up, I noted that our high definition channels were blocked with the message that I needed to call Comcast in order to "order this service". I go to the other TV, switch on the high-def channels, and everything is functioning perfectly. Hmmm.............something is haywire here. I call Comcast again, run through their automated phone tree maze hoping that somewhere, somehow, a real live someone will pick up the phone and I can resolve the matter. Finally "Julio" answers the line and I explain to him my predicament. He investigates my account and finally asserts that my new $99 monthly package DOES NOT include high-def programming. I told him of my previous agreement and he said they could add the high def service but that it would be another $10 a month and a service work order to do so would be filled within in 48 hours. WHAT!? Now at this point, I am a bit peeved as I had the original phone rep. repeat the terms of the offer twice so there would be no misunderstanding. I asked to speak with a supervisor and was told there was none available at the moment and that I could call back. I let them know that they could set their clock by my follow-up call.
Calling back within 20 minutes, I immediately asked to speak with a second level Supervisor. "Caesar" comes on the line and confirms to me that the package I moved to was not a high-def. package and that for another $10 a month, I could, indeed, be enjoying all of the great programming that Comcast offered. I politely and firmly informed me that was not the terms of my earlier agreement and quite honestly, did not care for how Comcast ran their business. He profusely apologizes for my inconvenience but that he can not offer me high def. programming without the added $10 monthly charge, but, would throw in Showtime, STARZ, and Cinemax for no charge for the next 6 months at the monthly level of $109. Figuring that was the best I could do, I agree to the deal and now all is as described.
I still haven't paid the bill to this point, so, figure I will call Comcast Saturday to confirm the amount I owe I get a 3rd phone rep who now gives me another, lower amount due! Though I figure if I keep calling enough times, they will eventually pay me some money, it is frustrating that there is no consistent number from any of these people. She also tells me that my "agreement" outlines all of these terms. I ask her, "what agreement?" "You didn't get an agreement?", she asks. "I will send you one. What's your email address?" For Christ's sake, YOU ARE MY EMAIL PROVIDER!! YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW?
I still haven't received an agreement, I don't know what I owe; I do, though, have high definition channels to watch. I am going to call again today and run the gamut with them again. I think they have a Wheel of Fortune type wheel there at Comcast Central which they spin to determine your monthly bill. In the meantime, I am collecting memorabilia to house here at the Shrine for ineptness. I think it will be a large display.