An open letter

Yesterday I received a solicitation letter and my temporary AARP membership card in the mail from the CEO of AARP, A. Barry Rand. The letter invites me to join AARP. I didn't ask for or request this card. They just sent it. It got me to thinking that we here at FTI might imitate this type of solicitation and build our benefactor list using this same method. I decided to write back and see if I would get a response:

Dear A. Barry,

Thank you for your recent invitation to join your organization. I appreciate the offer, but honestly, am not in need of your services at this time.

Your members look to you as a voice concerning health-related benefits, access to financial programs, someone to speak for their rights in Washington, offers of discounts on travel and other senior services, and to offer Safe driving courses. Those are all worthy causes and I offer my Congratulations on achieving and providing these services to your members.

Our group has goals they expect us to provide as well. Based on the abilities of our population, however, ours are not quite as lofty. Our members are merely content with classes that demonstrate the life skills of correctly buttoning a shirt, tying a shoelace, and identifying social settings where "nasal excavation" is inappropriate. Our oft maligned, idiot IT squad (the most reviled department at FTI), has not a clue about anything related to technology and, as a result, the Pong tournament we conduct on our network of Commodore 64 computers has been temporarily suspended . We do, however, have one of the nations top financial experts on staff, Dickie the Peap. Dickie is so cheap that he actually produces the copper wire we use for electrical purposes here at the Institute by stretching pennies out to the consistency of wire. It is a bit unconventional, but, functional. Alas, he won't do this without remuneration (if you knew the Peap, there is no task done for nothing.)

These goals are basic and necessary. But they cost money. Can we count on your support? A small donation to our cause will give you the same warm feeling that one of our staff still experiences 5 nights out of 7 resulting in extra laundering of bedsheets here at the Institute. Send money before Labor Day and an actual dribble cup used by one of the Misfits in the recent past will be rushed to your door.

In closing, from one Executive Director to another, I can relate with the daily struggles of running an organization trying to serve it's member's and that is why, A. Barry, I am contacting you. Please look inside and consider our cause. I can assure you; we are no threat to your organization's member base.

Sincerely,
Kfred
Executive Director
Flatline Thinking Institute of Alternative Interpretation and Observations

I sure hope old A. Barry sends a check.

You can never go home

While conducting the Lost Reunion Tour this past weekend, I had a chance to go back past my childhood home. The is the only home I knew since I was born until 19 years old. I played in the leaves in the fall, collected the unripe green walnuts and placed them in the street waiting for some unsuspecting motorist to drive over them and crack them open, and played tackle football in the front yard while my mother always exhorted us kids to go "play in the field". (Of course, we never did as the field is also where my Father pastured his livestock and playing there would have exposed the ball carrier of not only losing yardage on the play, but, suffering the indignity of wearing the remnants of a freshly produced cowpie on your play clothes. Now, THAT would have gone over well with Mom when it came around to laundry day.) It's where we mowed lawn, learned to identify which weeds to pull in the flowerbeds, and watched huge spiders build their webs under the eaves. It was home.

Passing by this weekend, I didn't recognize the place. The yard had dry grasses and gangly weeds close to 3 feet tall in the front. A toppled TV antenna was laying on it's side on the rooftop. An old range and kid's pedal cart were strewn in front of the driveway. The windows had all of the shades drawn save for the one room where, as kids, we watched countless hours of TV on a black and white TV and never realized we were deprived because it wasn't color. There were 3 channels and one of them came in fuzzy because the station's transmitter was on a mountain that was blocked by some hills we lived near. The place was a dump.

It was the lone downer of my weekend. It still bothers me today. I realize I can't keep living 45 years in the past and I wouldn't trade all of my accomplishments today to go back to that time. I know I am welcome and can always go back and visit anytime I would like in my memories. It just gnaws a bit inside and I am not sure it will ever go away. Even if the place were turned around tomorrow and made pristine clean, I still would have a feeling of melancholy for once was. It's not the same. You can't go home.

I've got rehearsal down at the club

The beginning of the week is upon us and time to get back to normal business. I just completed The Lost Reunion Tour weekend and it could be described as nothing more than a qualified success. It also was a period of great enlightenment to me.

One of our goals for the Misfits here at FTI is to develop some sort of outlet where they can spend time in a recreational setting. Since most of the Misfit's ability to ably compete on the normal softball, basketball, or golf teams is highly questionable, I believe I may have stumbled onto a solution while on Tour this weekend. We will start our own FTI Nightclub.

In order to lead our Nightclub, I decided I needed to find a member of our team with charisma, stage presence, and obviously, the ability to sing. Though I personally possess many talents, I was, unfortunately, not gifted with the ability to sing. While on Tour this weekend, the Rat Bastard G and I engaged in various events that consistently ended in the evenings centered around the consumption of beverages that "enhance and amplify" the exaggerated abilities of most people. During one of these events at a karaoke bar, The Rat Bastard G impressed me with his vocal abilities and command to nail both the technically challenging pieces of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and The Happy Birthday Song in the key of monotone. Recognizing immediately the potential of such a talent, I decided on the spot that the Rat Bastard would be the natural leader of an FTI Nightclub. A star is born.

As a result, The FTI "Bastardana Club" will conduct shows nightly except Sunday and Mondays. Open mike is Tuesday where potential staff members can audition and try out to join the cast. The Green Comic will open most nights with his standard tasteless, stupid, retread jokes to be followed by Gummo, the Balloon Boy and Freako Deako conducting a mind reading exhibition (which probably won't last long as neither has a mind worth reading) leading up to the Rat Bastard headlining for a full hour with his consistent off-key efforts to wow and amaze the crowd.

We are currently accepting applications for a cigarette girl. Inquire within.

It's the Lost Reunion Tour Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Ringo, I love you.

I attended the Ringo Starr show last night with the Rat Bastard G and we had a great time. The show was fun; this year's line-up can still kick some ass on both Ringo's music and some of their own. (For those who are unaware, Ringo picks up various musicians each year and then forms his All-Starr band and tours.) This years line-up include both Edgar Winter and Rick Derringer who each had their own bands in the 70's. Neither has slowed down, though Rick seems to have added about 40 pounds since he first appeared in that silver jumpsuit he wore on the cover of his one album. The Rat Bastard is actually a huge Derringer fan and actually wore a replica jumpsuit to the show. He kind of looked like a guy trying to smuggle some puppies on to an airplane inside a Reynolds Wrap foil suit. I did endure some strange looks for attending along side thiso guy, but, put it aside and enjoyed the show anyways.

As noted before, I am 51 years old. The Rat Bastard is 53. We are most definitely, certifiably, middle aged. We were, however, definitely in the younger half of the folks in the crowd. I guess some people just will never let go of the Beatles. And yes, there were a couple of Beatles songs in the set, but, it wasn't the Beatles playing it. It was another group.

The show went off with only one minor hitch that, of course, had a slight FTI bent associated to it. The crowd was highly enthusiastic and vocal in their support of Starr and the band. After one of the numbers, I noted that a commotion where the security guys hustled a concertgoer out of the exhibition hall and a couple of roadies were scrambling around up on stage with rubber gloves and flashlights. It turns out that Gummo, the Balloon Boy, being the huge Ringo fan that he is, tossed his tighty whities up on stage ala what the women used to do with Tom Jones in the 60's. Later, Gummo told the investigating vice detectives he just got "caught up in the moment" and there was no other meaning intended. Obviously, the guy is a bit half-cocked to begin with, but, apparently they figured he wasn't much of a worry to anyone's safety, so, they cut him loose.

All in all, I had a good time. The thought of Gummo going commando is a bit disconcerting, but, on the other hand, I have to look on the bright side: he isn't using Depends.

Jukebox: I would be surprised, too

No, No, No, No, I don't ________ no more

I received word yesterday that Gummo, The Balloon Boy, is also slated to be a part of the Lost Reunion Tour weekend commencing in less than 36 hours. As a result, I will be with 3 of the Misfits at one time. This is definitely not how I had planned to spend a relaxing weekend.

The Lost Reunion Tour weekend is built around the premise of spending time with a friend of over 30 years where we can get together, socialize (Translation: drink without any spousal supervision), catch a show of Ringo Starr and his All Starr Band, and do "guy stuff". I thought I had all of the loose ends tied up and it would be a fun-filled weekend escape for me. Turns out though, that Gummo, the Rat Bastard G, and The Green Comic are all slated to attend the same show. The 3 Whackos have taken to attend the show as die hard fans. Intending to promote their allegiance and enthusiasm, the plan was to wear matching tee shirts and proclaim themselves as "Groupies". Being the deep thinkers these 3 are, somehow, the message was mistranslated to the shirt maker and they each now have a shirt with the word "Guppy" on the back.

Alas, as the tickets have been bought and the arrangements have been made, I do plan to follow through and soldier on through the weekend to the best of my abilities. I hope Ringo does as well.

Can I count on your support?

Mrs. Kfred and I were invited to a grass roots political forum last night. Neither of us are very political as I have recounted my political leaning here previously. (For the record, I don't trust either side. I think they all lie. ) Regardless, it was something I had never participated in and was curious to experience it.

We went to some friend's house to meet a young candidate whom is running for Congress. Our district has recently come into national focus since our Democratic Congressman is retiring and the district is very possible to flip to Republican. This young woman spoke for about 20 minutes detailing here various positions, thoughts, and insights on a number of issues. I came away impressed and hopeful for our country's future.

Identifying myself as the Executive Director of FTI, this young candidate asked me what issues were important to me. I obviously mentioned my interest in mental health funding as we here at FTI provide a valuable service to the community with no direct federal funding. She hadn't heard of FTI, but after I explained the at-risk population we currently serve, she immediately pledged to study the issue more intently and said I should be commended for helping my fellow citizens in such an unselfish manner.

Attending the meeting last night actually served 2 purposes: 1) I got involved with politics on a local level; and 2) I was able to re-calibrate the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe. The mainstay machine here at FTI has been acting up lately and replacement parts are increasingly hard to locate. I thought it was going to require a complete overhaul, but had no way to test it to begin. Running some of these political statements and testing for accuracy, though, seemed to do the trick and all is well with the mechanical version of sodium pentathol.

I am thinking of forming my own special interest group and get as much Federal "pork" for us here at FTI as I possibly can. After all, our efforts would certainly not be considered wasteful. Would they?

Really, I MEANT to do that

Occasionally being accused of being a bit too "mean" and "hard-hearted" while describing the status and plight of the Misfits, I submit this incident as proof of the idiocy of which I am surrounded.

Yesterday, I described the upcoming FTI Roadshow Tours and their various details. I pointed out that the Green Comic had worked in some lame joke into his routine about me and called it pathetic. Green, in his rush to further attempt to insult me initially signed into the comment section under his real name (Yes, "The Green Comic" is actually a stage name) and further publicly insulted me. (I certainly don't mind the give and take with our 2 faithful readers and the occasional stray that visits this site, but for God's sake their retorts must be sensible!) Recognizing that compassion and fairness were due the little mental dwarf, I contacted Green, explained his error, retracted his comment, and offered to let him try to sign in again under his stage name and comment as long as it was appropriate. Green agreed and I thought the matter was over.

The nitwit, instead, commented on a totally unrelated post that now confirms for even the most casual reader that deep thinking and basic comprehension are not requirements of readership at this site.

Case Closed.

The real action is out in the field

I have begun the FTI Roadshow Tour. Over the weekend it was dinner with Dickie and Mrs. the Peap. Later, over the upcoming weekend, it's the Lost Reunion tour with the Rat Bastard G and The Green Comic. The purpose of the Roadshows is to get out and see the Misfits in their normal surroundings and ascertain whether they are capable of advancing and leaving our care. Common sense would tell you probably not; actual observation to date has confirmed no way in Hell.

Dickie the Peap was on his best behavior this past Saturday as he tried to constantly butter me up. "Oh, here. Let me get you a cocktail. I bought your favorite brand. I hope you like it". "Say, can I get you anything else?" "Here take this home with you, we won't drink it". On the surface, these types of offers and comments are very generous and heartfelt. However, analysis of body language and behaviors indicated a person highly troubled with the concept of giving anything away without some type of reciprocal trade of a value equal to no less than two times or higher in return. Dickie's obvious physical discomfort resulting from these types of offers were similar to a those of a 5 year old being admonished to not pee in the pool after having just drunk a gallon of Kool-aid. He just couldn't hold it. I don't think he is ready to be on his own.

The Rat Bastard G has slated a full weekend of activities and, I suspect, a probable 2 pm Matinee show of the Green Comic on one of the weekend days. They, too, will be observed for any types of any physical discomfort as I perform some situational stress tests to see if they are capable of independent functioning. The Green Comic is already on my short list after having developed one of these 'zingers' into his routine: Q: WHAT HAS DARK HAIR, SIX LEGS, AND RUNS THROUGH KFRED'S DREAMS? A: THE JONAS BROTHERS. Weak at best and more aptly described as pathetic. The Rat Bastard is under watch because, well, he is the Rat Bastard. Regardless, both of these two Misfits are more than likely due back for more supervision.

I always get a sense of satisfaction after completing these small journeys; the sense of satisfaction and gratitude I feel is immense. For accuracy's sake, I point out that, unfortunately, this satisfaction does not come from within, but rather the countless notes of gratitude I receive in the mail from local mental healthcare professionals. Their budgets can only service so many and our guys just add to the problem.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Now, who can I blame?

I was dismayed and disappointed to find out some disturbing news. My able-bodied Assistant/Trustee, Giacommo, informed me yesterday that his supplemental employment position with a type of organization very similar to FTI has ended. As a result, he will be searching for new opportunities. My fear is that may require him to resign his part-time position here. I'm not sure that is best for all involved.

Giacommo came to us a little more than 4 months ago and has performed admirably in his short time with us. He has done everything unquestioningly I have asked of him and save for his one unauthorized absence (when I really could have used the little knucklehead), has been an exemplary employee. I have requested an emergency meeting of the cheap-assed Board of directors to determine if we may be able to offer him a full time status with us here at FTI, but, do question the viability of such a move. He appears to have a lot going for himself. I don't know why he would want to move backwards with such a move.

Regardless, I have a feeling we ultimately will be able to retain him on some type of fill-in basis. He is well spoken, personable, and is able to tie his own shoelaces independently. He truly is one of our own we can point to as an FTI success story. Lord knows, we don't have many of those.

Jukebox: A benefit of Summer

Go ahead. Get it out.

During yesterday's weekly group sessions with the mental health caseworker, an exercise was assigned to the Misfits. Each was instructed to write an open letter to whomever they chose and explain why they had become the person they are. I was told this was a form of therapy intended to help each of the little Whackjob's address their individual problems in concrete terms. The thinking went that once it was on paper, it could be used as a self-identified document from which to start some type of self-improvement.

In what I have become ever-so-accustomed to, here is a none to surprising partial list of the Misfit's identified recipients and a selected excerpt of their letter:

Dickie the Peap to his first lemonade stand customer: ......."and when you said, "No kid. $5 is too much for a glass. Will you take a dime?", I knew that everything in life could be chiseled down. Thank you.

The Green Comic to a member of one of his early audiences: ........but when I replied,"What do you mean I'm a no talent hack and you've heard that one before? Do you know how hard it is to find this shit?" , I knew I had been found out.

The Campus Eunuch to one of his students........."and when you came to my office and told me you were willing to do anything to get an A and then asked me what I would like you to do, I suggested "study". What's wrong with that?"

Obviously, this caseworker has a long career of steady employment and job security in front of them.

This economy is affecting us all

The current economic situation has forced us here at FTI to consider a concept I would have never previously considered. I am both troubled and, yet, open to the fact that some changes may have to be made if we are to successfully survive these trying times. Yes, I am talking about outsourcing.

I don't want to get bogged down in the arguments of shipping good jobs overseas that able- bodied Americans are willing to perform or moving operations in order to avoid taxes. It's true that we require tasks most Americans do not want to perform. It's also true that no one in their right mind wants to be here and since, as it turns out, Irving the Peap, has been in charge of our financial destiny, we don't have to worry a whole hell of a lot about any type of tax obligation. Other than the fact that my able bodied assistant, Giacommo, volunteered (nay, badgered me) for his position, we can't get anyone to help us. The major tasks are left to me to get accomplished.

Replacing the idiot IT team (the most reviled department here at FTI) would be a logical place to start. A number of organizations have moved IT operations to lower cost environments with a highly educated workforce. As evidenced by our visitor log on the side of this page, there seems to be a fair amount of curiosity of this site in the countries of Pakistan and India. I don't think these folks want to throw away their reputation of the birthplace of higher evolved thinking in the Cradle of Civilization to start taking over posting pictures of the Misfits competing in a relay drooling contest. Likewise, replacing our facilities team with some folks not fully understanding the intricacies of freezing our wastewater treatment facility to become a short track speed skating during winter may not be in sync with our stated goal of encouraging sound thinking.

In the end, I will have to have further discussions concerning this issue with the cheap-assed Board of Directors. I have to be very specific in how I approach this topic. I am concerned they may actually think I am advocating of adding some Misfits from foreign lands. We don't need to add to the knobs we currently house.

Will you accept this gift?

I was watching "Intervention" last night. It's the reality TV show where they profile an addict or troubled person who lives a lifestyle that is not healthy and also features the family members and friends who basically enable them to live this life of self-destruction. The formula of the show is the same: the first 40 minutes show how the subject interacts with others and how they are harming themselves, the next 15 minutes set up the preparation and actual act of the Intervention with one of their trained specialists (who are mostly recovered alcoholics or addicts), and the final 5 minutes relay the results. Sometimes it works, many times it does not. It's reality.

I have been thinking about contacting the producers of the show and invite them to feature the FTI squad on their show. Rather than focusing on one individual, however, I propose that they have a mass intervention on behalf of the Misfits: Confront the Green Comic with his borrowed jokes as nothing more than reworked material from 30 year old Readers Digest magazines; demand the that the Campus Eunuch stop living the lifestyle as a playboy and accept the fact that he is Jared from Subway's body double; get Slateface into a meaningful putt-putt golf program that doesn't feature a water hazard. This is the tough love these guys need.

In the end, though, the message is always the same: the person affected has to want to get better. As for me? There is a program in place to help me. It's called Idiots-Anon.

It's Broke Sunday. Again.

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. Having suffered through the revelation of our financial status, we are in no condition to think of anything else at the moment.

We're glad you're here, though. We have a "green" policy here at FTI to do our part to minimize our impact on society the environment. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention harmful) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Good boy. Here's a banana

A troubling event has shaken the faith of us here at FTI to our core.

Our 2 faithful readers will note that we have repeatedly chronicled the financial habits and traits of one of our own, Dickie the Peap. Relying on his financial wisdom and looking to him as the bedrock and model of fiscal frugality, we have always thought that our financial future would at least be somewhat secure. We have been stunned to find out that his stock picking prowess was nothing more than smoke and mirrors as evidenced by the accompanying chart displayed below.



The eagle eyed reader will note the precipitous drop in one day of nearly half the value of one of the core holdings of the Peap Foundation after it was discovered that the company in question is nothing more than a couple of guys running a back-room boiler plate operation somewhere in Eastern Europe. To top it off, we have learned that Dickie did not actually research this firm directly himself, but rather, relied on his pet chimp, Irving the Peap, to select this firm via one of the oldest known stock picking methods known to investors-throwing a dart at a board.

As a result of this revelation, we are immediately severing all ties with Dickie the Peap in regard to Institute financial advising. Instead, our meager resources are now going to be entrusted entirely to The Amazing Kreskin. Now, that guy can predict the future.

Jukebox: It's Our first. No gifts, please.

The future really is bright

Allow me a little self indulging please...........

It is currently 5:50 am PDT. I am writing this having just dropped Kfred Jr 2 off at the airport for his flight back to Washington DC. As the Institute is located on the West Coast, direct flights eastbound at a reasonable time of day that aren't redeye flights are difficult to attain. I'm not complaining, it's just the way it is. Kfred Jr 2 was home for approximately one month during his final summer before heading back to finish his senior year at West Point. He is going to spend this next month serving as an aide to some officials at the Pentagon and hopefully gain some insight to how Southeast Asia foreign policy is conducted.

It's funny. I just dropped off a man whom is being trained to design, implement, and direct future issues of great importance to this country and it's citizens. This is the same man who, as a child of 5 years of age, in his zeal to always be a policeman, would constantly try to covertly slap on a set of plastic handcuffs to my wrists, take me into "custody", and then yell at me to "be quiet and sit down!" I would be notified that I was being charged with such offenses as watching TV, sitting in the wrong chair, etc. One time, when I mentioned that I was already sitting down after he had arrested me for reading the newspaper, a confused look of indecisiveness came over him. The problem solver that he was, however, realized that the command of "Ok, Stand Up!" would restore his 5 year old sense of superiority. When an authority figure tells you to do something, you do it.

When I hear of the young people of today not having a clue, not having any direction or sense of purpose, and not "getting it", I don't always agree. Every subset of the population has it's members who don't pull their weight. Am I a bit biased? Of course I am. But listening to the goals of the young men and women currently being trained to lead our country makes me realize one thing for sure. This country is going to be OK.