Give me that thing. I'll show you how it's done.

At our weekly staff meeting yesterday, I was welcomed back from my few days hiatus attending to the wedding of Mr. and Mrs. Kfred Jr. 1.   The entire agenda here at the Institute seemed to go into a "sleep" mode as nothing was accomplished and all was put on hold.  With that said, I wish to make one last wedding observation and then pledge not to make the wedding  a topic of any future postings.

My basic photographic skills consist of taking the easiest to operate digital camera I can find, find someone I know, tell them to stand still, center them in the viewfinder, and snap the picture.  A professional, however, is an artist.  They see things  as a point of reference, as an accessory, as something to build around.  That's why they command and receive the fees they do to perform their work.  In viewing the advance work of the photographer who worked the recent wedding, I am amazed at how they can take people and scenes and transform them into works of art.    I would love to share some of his work at this time, but obviously, the guy hasn't received his full fee, so I guess you will have to take my word for it.  The guy is good. 

In the meantime I offer 2 examples of my skills.  One is an action shot captured at  the wedding reception and the other an example of my wildlife viewing skills consisting of  the mole I trapped in the backyard.     Do you think I can land a gig?

Sometimes, You just got to go with the Flow

Well, it's all over. The happy couple will be on their way to Cabo by the time this appears, and all in all, things went very smoothly. I didn't mention in last weeks post, that a major glitch almost destroyed  the grand event.  You see, the hotel where the wedding and reception were scheduled to occur, double booked the rooftop space for the same time on the same day. 

Though the kids had signed the contract for the room in advance of the other party, the date of the actual event on the contract  was wrong by 3 days.  Wednesday!  Who gets married on Wednesday?  Subsequently, the later contract signed by the other party had the correct date, and legally, would be the one recognized if things escalated to  a legal dispute.  (The FTI Legal Dept. pored over this document for hours attempting to find any type of contractual error allowing our side to enforce the original date, but had little success.  Attempting to argue before a judge that the contract was written by the hotel staff on lined paper, had numerous meaningless doodles, and that  a jello wrestling pit would not be provided as requested by an anonymous phone call, were not  felt to be actionable offenses that damages could be won over.)   Ultimately, it was decided that a plan B was needed to be devised and  instituted quickly as the photographer, flowers, invitations, deejay, etc had all been ordered and scheduled.  Fortunately, Friday night was available and decided to be used as the day of choice.  The hotel admitted this incident was all their fault and made numerous concessions on fees and accommodations to make it right for all involved.    In the end, the bride was beautiful, the dinner tasty, the reception rollicking, and the evening  perfect.  And yes,  Goldilocks decided to give up her maiden name and  to take her new husband's name.

 Ladies and gentlemen,  I present Mr. and Mrs. Kfred Jr.1.

It's "Post Wedding" Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's post-wedding Sunday. It's 2 days past, we're still cleaning up, and it's gonna take a while.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Jukebox: What wedding reception doesn't play this?

Simply some odd wedding rituals and beliefs

These are all actual traditions, I did not make these up.  (traditionscustoms.com)   I would have suspected some of these actual practices were developed by our team...........

In Greece it is a tradition to write names of all single women at the wedding party on the sole of bride's shoe. After the party, the shoe is checked. Women whose names have been worn off will be married soon.


Rather strange tradition exists at Russian wedding receptions. Those who would like to get married soon should secretly pull the tablecloth. It is also a bad sign if the heel on the  bride's shoes gets broken.


After the wedding ceremony in Australia, guests put satin horseshoes on ribbons to the bride's wrist for good luck.


The date of the wedding of the Daur people whom live in China  is settled in a rather interesting way. The young man and his bride to be hold a knife together to kill a chick. Then they analyze its liver. If it is of suitable appearance the date of wedding is decided. If not, the happy couple kills yet another chick.


The grooms at Irish weddings has to be very careful when dancing with their brides. His feet have to stay on the floor all the time. Why? If he moves even only one foot off the floor the fairies will steal the bride.


At the wedding in Yemen, the father of the groom takes a handful of raisins and throws them onto the carpet. People gathered there try to pick up as many raisins as possible. Why? Raisins are believed to be symbols of the bright future for the bride and groom.

Actually, these all seem to symbolize something.  Our team isn't bright enough to develop anything with this type of substance.

With our Best Wishes

Hurtling rapidly toward the Big Day of Wedding Week, a number of gifts have been arriving for the soon to be betrothed.  Wedding  gifts are a token of affection and symbol of best wishes, happiness, and future success  for a new bride and groom. 

Rather than the traditional types of material gifts, the Misfits thought it might be unique to offer some personalized, from-the-heart, offerings and life lessons that would be of benefit to a young couple. These concepts would actually be real-life methods and secrets to a long lasting marriage that they could each relay.  I have to admit, initially I was quite proud of my little band of stooges and it brought a small tear to my eye.  Knowing however,  that potential disaster is possible and lurking just below the surface on any concept developed by these losers, I  asked that each gift giver  reveal their plans to me  in  advance in order to judge the sensibilities of each of their ideas.  It was then,  after the details were revealed, that I began to realize that the tear in my eye was, in fact,  due to the nauseous feelings I was beginning to experience.

Among the offerings:

From Dickey the Peap: "Dick(ey)ering Your Way to Financial Health" Dickey thought it would be appropriate to teach the young couple how to avoid paying full retail via any method possible including  wearing a shirt until you develop a hole in it and then return it claiming it to be the wrong size; browbeating a clerk into submission over retail pricing at any establishment and  then waiting until they lower it just to get rid of you; and  his self developed classic, suggesting to dine out with friends, then once the menus have been cleared away, gently remind them  that you believe you bought last time and it is now  their turn to buy.

Marv the Neighbor offered: "3 Tasty, Deep Fried, Meals Guaranteed Your New Husband Will Enjoy".  Does this need to be explained any further?

The Green Comic wished to relay the concept of humor and laughter by gift wrapping a copy of  his well-worn,  dog-eared,  edition of "Everyone Else's Best Jokes".  That way, when  the inevitable disagreement between man and wife comes up, they could take a timeout, search the index for the topic at hand, and read one or two 35 year old jokes relaying to the matter to lessen the tension of the situation.  I told him to rather send a blender.    

The intent is definitely there; for that credit is due and given.  It's just that that the result is a bit off the mark.  Kind of like our population. 

The beginning of a Joyful week

Today marks the official beginning of Wedding Week for Kfred Jr.1 and Goldilocks.  I have requested  the cheap-assed Board of Directors to authorize a temporary leave of absence and will only be spending limited time here at FTI as I will be doubling as shuttle driver, chief go-fer, and auxiliary banker for various events during the coming week. 

As this is scheduled to be a small wedding, a limited number of guests were invited.   Kfred Jr. 1 is highly familiar with the Misfits and  struggled  in deciding which ones to invite. Among the various factors in reaching his decision were the needs  of  convenience of travel, ability to comprehend what was actually occurring at the moment,  and the overall safety of the normal guests.   In the end, the only 2 Misfits scheduled to attend are Marv the Neighbor and Freako Deako.  He has known both Gummo, the Balloon Boy and  the Rat Bastard G since being a small boy, but felt the  rice throwing tradition after the ceremony could indeed re-trigger some painful flashback memories.    Both were one time busboys during a Greek wedding and the father of the bride, highly agitated with their habit of pelting the goat in attendance with wedding rice, threatened to render both of them  inoperable "as men" should it continue.  (I'll leave it to you to determine the actual threat.) 

Dickey the Peap will not be attending as he is actually conducting an alternative event this same day to celebrate the medical discovery of a surgery to correct short arm syndrome.  Correspondingly, he has invited numerous guests to a restaurant, requested that all order ala carte items for his consumption from the menu, and then sit back and relish the experience one last time before realizing he will no longer have a medical excuse not to reach for the check.     Brother Eddie is scheduled to attend in spite of his various exaggerated, physical ailments, as well.  We will have a fully staffed maintenance contingent available should there be any problems. 

All in all, I am excited.   It should be a fun week.  I sincerely hope it doesn't go the way of most events with which we are associated.   

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend.  We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

A simple point of view

I purposely avoid inserting my family's or my own personal life experiences into this forum.  Sure,  there are some striking similarities and our staff is populated by those with traits very similar to people I know, but for all intents and purposes, I  choose to make this as anonymous as possible:  I want you to consider the possibility  that FTI could be located in your city.  And you don't even realize it. 

Anyways (a gentle nod to the Rat Bastard G),  our 2 faithful readers already know that Mrs. Kfred is not only my long time wife of over 28 years and reluctant Director of Safety here at FTI, but also, the mother of our 2 sons, Kfred Jr.1 and Kfred Jr.2.  Both are fine young men whom have already achieved success in their young lives and I am sure will continue to enjoy the same.    I have a feeling they both left home at an early age to avoid being drawn into the FTI web. 

Neither has traits superior to the other, they are just different.  Kfred Jr.1 is a creative, artistic, flamboyant sort. He is well-read, a wonderful writer, likes to learn new things, and has a delightful sense of humor.  enough about me.  Graduated from college, he is scheduled to be married to his longtime girlfriend, Goldilocks, next week.  Kfred Jr. 2 is  the athletic, precise,  serious, and determined one.    Yesterday, Kfred Jr.2 called to inform us that he has been selected to a leadership position  at his school for next year.  His school:  The US Military Academy at West Point.  As a "Firstie" (Senior) next year, he will be responsible for overseeing a group of people, have day-to-day duties for which he will be accountable, and ultimately lead his team.  (Are you starting to see some striking similarities?)  We lovingly refer to him as ""Bilko" for the manner in which he is constantly working Mrs. Kfred and myself for any type of non-college expenses he incurs.     (Case in point:  a $138 charge on his credit card  to a local brew-pub is somehow a financial obligation we agreed to before sending him off to college.) 

We are very proud of both young men and unfailingly never forget to tell them so.  In return, both of them constantly include us in their lives and cheerfully invite us to be involved with their activities.   We couldn't be more happy.  I relay this scenario not to brag or boast, rather, to demonstrate the simple joy of family.  I am worried a bit about the younger one's insistence for me to call him by his new name, though. 

Sir. 

Jukebox:We have met before

Acting intelligently is out

PHOENIX – Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has started a program he calls "Pedal Vision," in which inmates pedal stationary bikes to generate electricity for television sets. The bikes are customized to turn on connected TV sets once inmates at Phoenix's Tent City Jail pedal enough to generate 12 volts of electricity. An hour of pedaling equals an hour of television.

This story caught my eye as this sheriff has become nationally known for his innovative ways to deal with his jail population. I think it is a creative and different way to deal with 2 issues: the health of his inmates and as a method to teach them that everything has a price; if you want something bad enough, you will work for it. 

I am currently researching some type of parallel program for our staff in the same manner.  If I could develop some type of simple, mundane, task that when performed, the resulting actions would be converted to energy, we may become a bit more self sustainable here at FTI.  The difficulty, however, is to determine what type of program would be beneficial to both our staff and  to FTI overall.   I presented this concept at yesterday's staff meeting and solicited suggestions.   Here are a couple of rejected ideas and the reasons they wouldn't work: 

1)  Counting and recounting  money.  Dickey the Peap would short out the lines. 

2)  Develop new jokes for entertainment.  The Green Comic acted as if I were speaking in tongues when I mentioned this one. 

3)  Shopping for Groceries.  The entire meltdown of our recent Easter event was a result of the actions of the Rat Bastard G.  There is no way in hell that he will step foot inside a grocery store again on our behalf. 

4)  Offer telephone support for users of the soon-to-be discontinued Windows Vista operating system.  The FTI IT Department, the most reviled department here at FTI,  is still working on upgrading our system to Vista.  You can't support something you don't understand.   

Interestingly, Gummo, the Balloon Boy, seemed to be in favor of this entire program. I suspect it had to do with his affinity for a bicycle, though, I have never figured out what that connection was.  Regardless, we welcome your input should you think of anything our staff could perform of value. 

Will Obamacare cover the subscription fee?

I had a discussion with Dickey the Peap the other day and we were discussing investment strategies.  The short-armed one is infamous for deep analysis, careful consideration, and unique timing when determining which sectors and companies in which to invest his tightly-clenched dollars.  Once this arduous task is completed, he sits back, monitors his choices, and grimaces as he watches the plummeting value of his portfolio occur almost instantaneously.  Now, Dickey  is not short on resources or intelligence; he is actually a very bright, successful individual.  He is just deficient, however, in logic.  His recent adventures included investing in a small biomedical company that is exploring  ways to deal with erectile dysfunction in men and another that is building software for the gaming and entertainment industry which detects electrical signals produced by the brain.  This type of product could eventually morph into some type of technology that would help paralyzed people control movement  via thought or gaming enthusiasts play games without having to have the mandatory eye/hand coordination to be successful.  The Peap-ed one surmised that if he were to corner the market on both of these companies, he could actually gain enough voting control to force a merger resulting in a company that would cure impotency instantly, simply by  the thought patterns generated by the brain. 

I still shake my head in amazement in reflecting on this conversation.  I didn't have the heart to tell him that a highly  successful, alternative type of product , used and known by men beginning at approximately age 13 all over the world  has been around for nearly 60 years.  It's called Playboy magazine. 

It's Easter Sunday

Hey, it's Easter Sunday, the Misfits are out looking for one another. They never have seemed to understand the egg thing. Anyway, it's tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Caution: Don't feed the animals

Today's pending FTI Family Easter Event and accompanying Beer Garden plaza have me more than a bit concerned. As chronicled earlier, I was out-voted by the cheap-assed Board of Directors in even conducting this event, so,  have adopted the " if-you-can't-beat'em-join'em" attitude in observing this fiasco.  I will be testing the beer in the plaza behind a set of dark glasses and fake mustache disguise and wish to have absolutely no association with this event.  

A few observations so far:

1.  The Rat Bastard G, communicating on an old model, poor quality, cell phone provided by our infamous IT department , the most reviled department here at FTI, mistakenly heard the request to "pick up 5 dozen chicken eggs" as "5 dozen chicken legs"  and purchased the same.
 
2.  Gummo, the Balloon Boy, fully regaled in his paper chef's hat, cheerfully decided to go ahead and boil the legs anyway under the guise of "the show must go on".  This is of course, is in direct conflict with the fact  that there is no practical way to dye cooked chicken legs. 

3.  Marv the Neighbor is pouting because he didn't get to deep-fry the chicken legs.

Surveying the compound as I write this, I note that the Misfits are constantly shooing away 2 stray dogs,   one cat,  and reminding Dickey the Peap not to touch, while hiding the chicken legs.  In addition, I have noted a few raccoons and a circling hawk attracted by the cooked meat.    

Like most family Easter events, I am sure this one will be remembered for a long time.  I just hope it's not for the wrong reasons.   

Jukebox: A simple Rule to Remember

Will there be Playboy bunny's then?

I should have know this was going to happen.  During yesterday's staff meeting, Gummo, The Balloon Boy, volunteered the idea of an "alternative event" for our initial FTI sponsored Easter Egg hunt scheduled for this coming Saturday.  I knew there was something in the offing, but had no idea of the sheer idiocy involved.  Once the details were revealed, it made perfect sense.  If you are a moron. 

True to the type of previous thinking and analysis now exhibited here on an oh-too-frequent basis,  Gummo suggested  we involve parents rather than just the kids.  He had noticed similar type of successful organizations that offered hard boiled eggs and thought that we might offer a new twist to a generations old tradition.  I was suitably impressed with this new-found line of reasoning from old "Air Bag" and asked for more details.  The reasoning went something like this:  Easter eggs hunts always involve eggs and similar Easter themed items (marshmallow chicks, jelly beans, and foil wrapped chocolate eggs, etc).   Not abandoning Easter Eggs but, offering a new twist, we ought to appeal to the parents with  something more geared to their tastes.   So far, so good.    (Now, I don't know many people who don't care for chocolate and jelly beans; the marshmallow items might be a bit sketchy, but, let's give Gummo the benefit of the doubt).  Here is where the train ran off of the tracks:  As an accompanying item to the various hard boiled eggs scattered throughout the FTI compound we should also hide adult oriented items related to hard boiled eggs:  Cornuts, Pepperoni sticks,  pretzels, and gambling pull tabs.  Immediately realizing the similarities between this suggestion and the items stocked behind the counter at Any Tavern USA, I abruptly moved that this suggestion was maddening and that  we consider the next agenda item. 

Regardless, the 1st FTI sponsored Family Egg hunt is scheduled for this Saturday, rain or shine.  I was out- voted, however, on one suggestion that will be implemented at our event.   As a result, I have decided to not participate in the actual hunt, but, will be there to meet and greet all of our guests.  The actual event is scheduled to begin in the afternoon, I will be at the compound starting at 9am.  Please come by and say hello.  I will be in the Beer Garden. 

This is why I never get an advance copy

Once again, I haven't seen the advance agenda for today's weekly staff meeting, but do point out a few potential topics of discussion:

1. The upcoming FTI sponsored Easter Egg hunt is scheduled for next Saturday. I have not been  directly involved with the event planning, but apparently  Gummo, the Balloon Boy,  thought it would be fine if we develop an "alternative event" related to liquor as opposed to the traditional type.   I am sure there will be more about this as the week grinds on;
2. I will be leaving town mid-week again on non-Institute business and we need to appoint a temporary caretaker Executive Director to fill the vacancy. Giacommo performed capably in my absence and other than the escaping watch-goats incident from 2 weeks ago, seems capable of "manning the store";
3. The FTI IT Department, the most reviled department here at FTI, is scheduled to present on their plan on how to dispose of the old FTI computer with all of it's sensitive data on the hard drive. Personnel files, financial data, and embarrassing pictures personal digital images meaningful only to us here at FTI should not end up in a shelter somewhere as the results of a well-meaning, but obviously askew,  plan to recycle computers for the less fortunate.
4.  A request out of the petty cash fund has been requested by Dickey the Peap for purchase of a pair of pants. He lost his a few weeks ago during a "pantsing" incident initiated by some of the other members of our staff after having been labeled a "Nancy-boy" for some comments he posted. I expect this request to sail swiftly through committee. No one wants to see the "Peap" without his pants.

Upon review, I'm glad I didn't get an advance copy.  It only makes me envious of how the real world operates.

It's Palm Sunday

Duh. Take a look at the calendar. It's tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Technology is a wonderful thing

Having limped along since our initial inception in July of 2009 on a no-name Windows XP computer, I  slipped a provisional line item into the 2010  budget that  the cheap-assed Board of Directors apparently didn't discover during the approval process at the end of the year.  As a result, today's post is the first produced on the newly purchased FTI computer.  True to their form, the FTI  IT department, the most reviled department here at FTI, fumbled their way through set -up and installation over the past 3 days, but, have finally gotten us up and running as evidenced by this posting.

A member of our staff, Marv the Neighbor, did contribute a valuable insight that I wish to share with our 2 faithful readers.  It quite honestly reflects the frustration most of us experience with computers from time to time.

After going through a virus attack,


Losing a hard drive,

Fighting off hackers,

Upgrading all my software,

Installing fire-walls,

Being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,

And a host of other problems...

I have fixed my computer...

And NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

 

Jukebox: A Fitting End to a Week's Story