Why, it's actually quite simple.....

It's a big-ass balloon.

Some simple writing rules

Writing on a semi-frequently basis for entertainment-only purposes, I face many challenges in order to keep our 2 loyal readers engaged.  Finding practical topics, timely subject matter, providing hard hitting and meaningful analysis, and  being aware of the need to observe proper rules of  writing  dictate I beware of many needs simultaneously.  The writing part is especially important as it give me credibility and the appearance of professionalism. With that in mind, I came across some rules that makes any writer's job a bit easier and wish to share a bit of them here.

*  Comparisons are as bad as cliches
*  One should never generalize
*  Profanity sucks
*  Avoid being redundant, don't use more words than necessary.  It's highly     superfluous.
*  Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

I think you get the idea.  I might violate these basics from time to time, but, it certainly isn't intentional.  My purpose of this whole exercise is to get one to think.   After all, who needs rhetorical questions?    

JUKEBOX: Happy Birthday, Dear

This is a true collectors item

Mrs Kfred and I bank with the folks at Chase Bank. Through the years, they have done a good job for us and, except for one time they had to become "re-educated" about customer service, I have been pleased. They have, however, now upped their game with a convenience that is very meaningful to me.

With the advent of electronic banking and on-line deposits, I now have the ability to make deposits from the comfort of the FTI compound without ever leaving it. Adorned in my official FTI bunny slippers and smartly tailored Snuggy (That is kind of an oxymoron isn't it? tailored Snuggy. hmm, oh well.) I can use my cell phone camera to take both front and back images of any check I receive, transmit it to the bank and they deposit it into my account. Pretty cool. The beauty of all of this? This past week, one of the checks I deposited was from Dickey the Peap. The little miser had a failure in his vault last week while counting his money and a malfunction causing an emergency lockdown was commenced as he was twirling around, throwing money in the air, screaming, "Mine, mine. It's all mine". Recognizing he would be trapped and locked inside for the mandatory 24 hours before automatically releasing itself, with sirens blaring, high energy halide lights flashing, and the immobilizing sleeping gasses starting to seap inside, he somehow performed an Indiana Jones type move, leapt for the door, slid under the lowering iron wall, and escaped with only a single dollar bill. This is all meaningful as he was to meet with me to conduct a small business transaction later in the day. While doing so, he relayed this story to me and pleaded he didn't have any cash in order to close the deal. I gave him $105 in cash receiving assurances I would be paid back immediately. I actually didn't have any concerns about this, but, did wish I had some way to immortalize it. Yesterday, I go to the mailbox and, lo and behold, what do I find but a check addressed to me from Mrs. D. the P.  

Now, back to the technology part:  With the advent of the online deposit, I don't have to make a cheap photocopy of this valuable, rare, piece of paper.  I have a signed  original and yet have realized the value of it by having the bank "cash" it for me.  Win/win.    

Result? The original check is displayed prominently in a stylish frame in the FTI trophy room. I can think of no other representation of anything more valuable to me. I truly bagged the big one.

Jukebox: Today's Forecast

Like a bad habit, I am back.

The fact that neither of our 2 faithful readers have commented on my extended absence from this blog warms my heart and confirms to me that our low expectations here at FTI are at the proper level. With that out of the way, I do wish to make some commentary:

Are people surprised and is it really newsworthy that Lance Armstrong went on Oprah to admit to illegal doping and cheating while winning 7 Tour de France racing titles? What did people think he was going to tell Oprah? She really does have a way with people to get them to admit things. In an unrelated issue, we can confirm that Dickey the Peap also recently sat down for a similar no-holds-barred type of interview with the queen of talk. Show insiders are sworn to secrecy but whispers indicate that the short-armed one is going to come out and admit to years of being cheap as well.

My recent installation attempt of a rooftop based weather center here at the FTI compound was met with total and utter failure, an actual real life observation of the concepts of gravity, and ultimately, being out an additional $46.95 (plus shipping). I received a newer weather center for Christmas and while on the roof recently to install the wind meter (anonometer), the damn thing slipped out of my hands, tumbled down the frosty roof,cracked while hitting the rain gutter, came apart when landing on the deck, bounced through the railing, and disintegrated upon impact onto the ground. Lesson here? Look at the trees to determine wind velocity and direction.

Lastly, an update on the legal front: The updated judgment debtor deadbeat meter to the right has been updated and shown to reflect the amount of money we will never see. The continuing stalling and refusal of our legal system to make people accountable for their actions truly is disheartening. Once again, if you ever, EVER, contemplate a lawsuit, even when you are 100% in the right, run in the opposite direction. It's not worth it.

Jukebox: Where we are kicking the fiscal can

Hey 2012, thanks for dropping by

With 2012 headed out the door, I welcome the impending arrival of 2013. Though 2012 has actually been pretty good, I look forward to a fresh start and new beginnings the new year offers. Before 2012 exits completely, though, I do remember a small list of 2012 posts and memorable thoughts.

Trying to lose weight via the Gummo, the Balloon Boy, method of weight reduction is more harmful than good. No exercise should include a life alert alarm. The pending global warming issue has certainly not been settled in any fashion during the year and this contribution from our FTI scientific division did nothing to help the cause. Never ones to rest on their laurels, the FTI IT department, (the most hated and reviled department here at FTI)did create and implement our ongoing Example of Greed feature on the righthand side bar. It truly does serve as a reminder of what greed can eventually cost you. Lastly, the epic golf struggles of one, D. the Peap, were immortalized by this single event on a nice last summer afternoon. Oh sure, I lost a couple of rounds here and there, but, this is what it is all about. Added to my outing this past Saturday (yes, golf in December)and it's easy to see that the little miser's game is going to appear like he is playing with his hands in his pocket instead of the club when we resume again this springtime. On further analysis, he apparently is so intent on holding on to his wallet, that he does play with his hand in his pockets!

2013, welcome to my world, I can't wait to get going with you.

Merry Christmas

CHRISTMAS

The tradition continues

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all ‘round the ‘tute
The dimwits were sleeping, the sight is not cute.
The restraints were hung by the chimney with care,
It’s for their own safety and general welfare;

The misfits were locked in their dormitory with beds,
They’re really no more than slow-thinking pinheads;
And Mrs Kfred in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
He’d be the one to visit our mentally sick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called the dimwits by name;
"Now, Freako! now, Gummo! and Dickie the Peap!
Wake up you slow whacko’s; you need no more sleep!

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
He knew of these idiots I suffer each day,
He couldn’t believe I had chosen to stay.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
Some brand new straightjackets he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Replacing old tethers with an all knowing smirk,
He knew the great burden I constantly bear,
Sometimes I think, "I’m in a giant daycare,"

"Now Kfred," he boomed, “Don’t Worry, Don’t fuss,
All people have seen them aboard the short bus,
Most readers know they are all mental midgets,
Their collective IQ is but one single digit”,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,
“I’m glad I’m not you:  None of those idiots seem right!”

(with profuse apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

Jukebox: Well, sure it is

We interrupt this posting

After studying the Mayan calendar, meteorologists here at FTI have issued this urgent updated weather forecast. All readers should take the appropriate measures of preparation.

Why?

I don't feel very much mirth today. The shootings in Connecticut simply do not make any sense. Obviously, mental illness makes no sense and, in my mind, gun control is a waste of time. There does, however, have to be an answer of balance between these two. These incidents simply cannot continue to occur.

COMING MONDAY: A recap of my annual Christmas luncheon with Dickie the Peap.

Jukebox: Christmas getting your boogie on

Times are tough

Credit where credit is due: The Green Comic's alter ego came up with this one. I think it is pretty good.

It's a Costco thing

Just in time for the holidays, I paid a visit to Costco and noted some things that really tend to kind of piss a guy off. I might as well get them off of my chest now before Christmas, so when Santa asks me if I have been a good boy lately, I can certainly honestly answer him affirmatively.

During the holidays, Costco is a very popular spot. I actually hate going to Costco. I don't like fighting the crowds and a lot of times I feel like a salmon swimming up stream, but I digress. First things first. Anyways, I pull in to the parking lot and start scanning the parking aisles close to the door. (Hey, I am no different than anyone else.) I see one aisle with 3 stopped cars. Apparently, someone is waiting for someone else to exit a parking spot. I figure, "ixnay" on that choice and move on. I find a spot 3 aisles over further away meaning a sprint in the pouring rain, but, so what, it goes with the territory? As I am on a low speed shuffle toward the entrance, I see that the offending lane plugging car is just now pulling into the spot and now 5 cars are backed up behind them. Apparently, it's better to wait for that one spot and inconvenience 5 other people, than to pass up a spot, save yourself some extra minutes spent shopping, and get on with the rest of your afternoon. We've all been there and all done it. I don't do that anymore. No parking lot is so big that I can't walk to the door. My time is worth something. Offense #2 sends me into vapor-lock even further: The "If-it's-free-I-am-going-to-have-some-and-I-don't-give a damn-about-you-mentality." Completely abandoning any pretense of political correctness, I say this: It's usually fat people in motorized scooters who are the worst offenders. The demonstration cook at the end of the freezer section has a small toaster oven sampling chicken nuggets. (INSIDER FOOD GUY NOTE: Chicken "Nuggets" are not the same as chicken tenders or chicken breast strips. "Nuggets" are the sausage of the poultry industry. Beaks, feathers, claws, and whatever scrap meat left over from a processed chicken are pressed together, breaded, and then frozen and marketed as a great after school kid snack.) Invariably, some old bastard wearing a baseball cap emblazoned with "Korean War Vet" or a 70+ year old woman with bleached blond hair weighing around 240 lbs will aim their motorized gurney straight to the plate on the table, block the aisle, take 10 minutes discussing how they like these better than the pizza rolls they featured last week, then feign deafness when they are repeatedly being told, "Excuse me, excuse me". My experience is that more often than not, this is just a cue for the offender to grab another free sample and linger. A close second is the shopper who passes by, takes a second look and decides they want some, abandons their cart in the middle of the aisle, and expects everyone else to just navigate around their cart. "The freebies are for the shoppers; I'm a shopper, it looks good, I want some, What's the big deal?" Idiot.

There I feel better. Santa, please do me a favor: If we meet in Costco, please don't waddle over to the free cookie samples, OK? We both know you have no intention of buying them.

Jukebox: Christmas over the Rainbow

Jukebox: Some Christmas Cool

Meanwhile, back on the Legal front........

I got a bit of clarification yesterday from our co-counsel in our FTI Dopes Trial. It really does make one wonder how we function as a society, yet, also reinforces that right trumps might.

I had contacted this new guy for just a bit of "inside baseball"info as to what we could expect moving forward. We won the Superior Court trial, have submitted our brief in response to the idiot developer's weak-ass attempt at appeal, and should be collecting our dough. "Nnnnotttt so fast", says Perry Mason 2. He then lays out the nearly 18 month possible scenario timeline how both the Appeals court, and possibly, Supreme court would operate. "I had a prior client that endured a trial, two court of appeals and one Supreme Court appeal—7 years in all. The good news is they would have settled for just under $1M in the case, and at the end, received $3.2M (with all of the accrued interest and attorneys’ fees)." That's all well and good, but honestly, I don't care. I want this mess to be done and over with now. Doesn't look like that is going to happen. Oh, well.

In the meantime, I guess the Example of Greed meter just keeps spinning upward.

Ain't technology grand?

Recently speaking with Dickie the Peap, it was obvious to me that the short-armed one is all atwitter with his new "smart" telephone. Like Gummo, the Balloon Boy, earlier, he too has ditched his near WWII field model clamshell cell phone he previously had been using for something a bit more updated. The new phone has all of the "apps", and bells and whistles that the little miser finds useful. Especially of intrigue is the "TableBuster" tipping app that automatically calculates the appropriate 7.5% amount of any restaurant bill for ease and convenience, the "wallet excuse" app that generates an easy to repeat excuse of why one can't buy this particular round, and the ever useful "haggling" app that coaches one to grind down any stated price of an item to offer half of the stated amount and then whine, bitch, an moan about the price until the other side simply figures it is better to cave and meet the price than to spend time trying to argue over terms. After all time is money.

Shaking my head in amazement and disbelief, the short armed one did reveal an additional  feature of the phone that, I think, even he didn't realize was so "smart". Apparently, if you speak to the phone and give it a voice command, it will search the web for the appropriate image related to that command and return it on the screen.  It really is kind of neat.  He mentioned that when you call out "Rover", it pictures a dog.  Say "movie snack" and a bowl of popcorn appears.  I suggested he enter his name, "Dickie the Peap".    He excitedly agreed and said, "yeah, do you want to bet it will show a handsome, middle aged man?"  The conversation suddenly went silent and I heard a soft, "oh, that's odd.  Hmm."  I asked "What's the matter?"  Dickie  replied, "well, it doesn't seem to recognize given names and just returns gibberish.  I have put my name in 3 times and it comes back with this same woodworking type of image.  I guess I will have to return this phone to the store".     I said, "Send it to me.  Let me check it out.  Maybe I can save you a trip."

Of course, when receiving the image, I simply nodded my head in amazement and wonder of the ingenuity that man possesses when designing electronics.  They simply think of everything. The image related to the entering of his name is obvious: a Cheap Screw.