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Sunday, December 12, 2010

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

Saturday, December 11, 2010

A Little Holiday Humor

A full-on acknowledgment to the Green Comic for this one. His act is so erratic as most of the time his stuff is moronic and then, every once in a while, he hits it out of the park. Anyways, it's a pretty good gag:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Scotland reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

You' ll Leave Today Feeling Empowered to Succeed!

In order to sharpen my skills, leadership abilities, and over all effectiveness here at FTI, I periodically engage in refresher courses of various subject to increase my worth and value as an Executive Director.  I am currently engaged  in a 2 day seminar entitled, "Racing for Mediocrity: the Quest for Survival in a Cruel World", and  subtitled, "How to Make the Most with the Idiots That Surround You".    

If I do say so myself, I seem to be a leader in the class at this time.  I have repeatedly had the right answers, relayed the most helpful experiences, and throughly impressed the  facilitator of the course.  After yesterday's first session, he pulled me aside to congratulate me and compliment me on how impressed he was with my participation.  We started talking about my actual experience and background.  After explaining my circumstances and describing how the Misfits  think and act, I have been granted a waiver of the enrollment fee and have actually been asked to conduct a seminar on his behalf in the future.   The reason for asking me to do so?  I obviously have greater expertise in this area than the moderator when attempting to  "Making the Most with the Idiots That Surround You. "

Monday, December 6, 2010

You guys sound just like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir


As mentioned last week, I have begun to assemble the FTI Doofus Squad in the hopes of creating some type of choir that could entertain people over the holidays.  Knowing that most groups can sing the simple standard Christmas songs,  I thought it might be a good idea to tackle some of the more complex Christmas hymns as a display of our progress in developing our advanced behavioral programs.    Apparently, that idea was not exactly original as some other competitive group of deep thinkers has beaten us to it and posted their highly impressive results on Youtube. 

It's not easy to perform before a large group in a spontaneous setting.  It's also not easy to  to have memorable results when the majority of your choir's singing ability is equal to that of Peter Boyle's speaking parts in  the Young Frankenstein movie, either.    After listening to our attempts to be like the above featured group, I  realize that perhaps we need to try something less challenging.  We're working on     "Up On the Housetop" currently, but, are having some difficulties with it as well.  The Misfits have mastered the "Ho, Ho, Ho" part.  It's the rest of it that's hard.   

Sunday, December 5, 2010

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

I got your weather for ya right here

Is there any other possible comment for winter conditions than this?


Thursday, December 2, 2010

Hey, that's Odd

Some uncharacteristic events have been affecting us here at FTI. 2 events of noteworthiness include: 
  • the repeated false alarm/failure signal coming from  the FTI wastewater treatment facility.   Normally transformed into our holiday wonderland and short track speed skating course during the wintertime, the wastewater treatment facility has recently been plagued by the damn alarm that keeps intermittently emitting a shrieking sound to signal a failed pump. I trundle  my ass out there, check to make sure that all is OK with the water levels (they're fine), reset the float, and think all is well.  6 hours later it starts all over again.  It really is nothing serious, but I am going to have to do something as the sound is definitely irritating, especially for fans of Gummo the Balloon Boy, as he races for the finish line coming out of the turn over in corner 3. 
  • the breakdown of the 42" FTI plasma TV/entertainment system.  I don't watch a whole lot of TV.  The unit itself is barely 4 years old.  Suddenly last night, Mrs. Kfred attempts to turn the unit on to monitor the questions on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?  in hopes that perhaps the Misfits might have met a competitive level for us to be proud about (to this point, they haven't), and the damn TV doesn't work.  Mustering my deep electronic knowledge, I stand in front of the TV and turn the power switch on and off a couple of times.  Nothing.  I then search  the FTI resource library to find every owners manual of anything we have ever bought:  Electric pencil sharpener, 17 year old clock radio, 2 models ago  toaster, current refrigerator, hair curling iron (really, Dear?  The owners manual for a hair curling iron.  What the hell are we keeping this for!?) Finally finding the manual for the TV, I find the troubleshooting index and do everything I am supposed to.  Same result.  My fear is that the repair will be equal to the cost of a new TV.  Of course, the fact that what I paid over $2000 4 years ago can now be had for $699 brings me about the same amount of pain as I experience when I hear the initial practice sessions of the FTI Holiday Choir (we'll be discussing that in an upcoming post as well).     So, a call to the repairman today is in order. 
I will post updates to the results of these and some other troubling aspects as they occur.  I'm sure it's nothing that a few bucks can't fix.  I will be consulting with Dickie the Peap to see if we should repair or just revert to reading books by candlelight ala Abe Lincoln in the 1850's for entertainment.   After all, it's cheaper. 

Monday, November 29, 2010

The Season of Joy begins


In anticipation of the upcoming holidays and taking advantage of a break in the weather yesterday, I was able to get outdoors and start the preparation of decorating the Institute with outdoor Christmas lights yesterday.   Not wanting to repeat the fiasco we experienced last year when I instructed Gummo the Balloon Boy to decorate, I took it upon myself to plan the layout and put everything together. And, if I do say so myself, it came out pretty well. I have to do some upper second story work next weekend as the light faded before I finished, but, that's OK.  I'm not ready to turn them on this early anyway.  Regardless, it is a scene reminiscent of any holiday postcard. 

Now, if I can just get the Misfits to start behaving, we should be able to capture that special Kodak moment and not have something like this.      

Sunday, November 28, 2010

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Let's get out there and shop

Well, Thanksgiving is over. Now let the real sport begin.

I am off today to begin my Christmas shopping. Mrs.Kfred is out with a friend to go to the various holiday bazaar's for those "special and unique Christmas items.*" While she is determining the next got-to-have- Christmas decoration to be displayed here at the Institute, I am on my own for the personal gifts to find for the family and friends. This is always a struggle as I never quite know what to get for those people on my shopping list; they are such a hard bunch to shop for. Some suggestions: A Kindle reading device, a digital picture frame, a new office chair?   All of these are on my research list today.

I shouldn't complain, however.  Part of my holiday tasks are quite easy.  For instance, shopping for the Misfits is not too difficult.  The Green Comic will be  satisfied with the signed, yellowing copy of a script of a 1971 episode of the old TV show Hee-Haw; Gummo the Balloon Boy has lately taken an interest in modern art; I found a book on how to make figurines from earwax which should keep him enthralled for days.  Of course, following the spirit of giving a gift from the heart and rather than supporting crass commercialism, I made a gift for Dickie the Peap that I know he certainly will treasure:   a simple handmade chart detailing profit levels  based on a 200% labor rate mark-up for any jobs  he does for Friends and Family.  After all, if you can't charge friends exorbitant rates, how would you make any money?

In the end, though, it's the thought that counts.  Thankfully, I only have to exert a few thoughts for half of my shopping list.  I'll let you determine which half. 

*gaudy, useless candle holders in the shape of reindeer, etc.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

A pause for thanks 2010

Once again,  today is Thanksgiving; my favorite holiday. I have never thought Thanksgiving has received the proper respect; it's more than a bump in the road on the calendar toward Christmas. Everyone is in a hurry on the highway of life, but, Thanksgiving is the "Reduced Speed Ahead" sign that safely brings our life priorities back into focus.  Mrs. Kfred and I are having dinner with Marv the Neighbor and his wife as we are childless on this family day.  Kfred Jr 1 and his wife, Goldilocks, are going to join us for dinner tomorrow instead as they are returning from visiting her family out of town.   Kfred Jr 2, again has too short of a turnaround time to be with us now, but, will be home later at Christmas. 

With those ground rules established, let me briefly recite some of the things I am thankful for:  First and foremost,  I am thankful for my wonderful life partner, best friend, lover, and thought compass for 29 years, Mrs. Kfred. I love you dear.  I am thankful for the above mentioned 2 offspring and our newest addition, Goldilocks,  She is a wonderful girl.  I am thankful for my job within Dilbertland.  Like any job, there are things you don't like, but they have been fair to me and have treated me well  (I know people whom are suffering with unemployment right now and one truly should be grateful).   I am grateful for my siblings: Brother Eddie, Gertie, and Ace.  Though separated by many miles, I actually think we are closer than when we were kids living under the same roof. Of course,  I am thankful for my friendship with  the  dimwits that serve as inspirational fodder for subjects posted here on a daily basis: the more than 30 year affiliation with the  "Trinity of Idiocy" consisting of Gummo the Balloon Boy, the Green Comic, and Rat Bastard G; that golfing hack, Dickie the Peap; my Assistant Executive Director/Resident Trustee, Giacommo; and the rest. With the antics and ideas that involve you, this is really easy to do on a daily basis.  Please, don't stop. And finally, the readers, I thank you.  Our 2 faithful readers continue to get in the act and are actually close to becoming part of the story.   To the rest of those whom are mistakenly directed to this site when they are searching for something actually meaningful to read, I apologize.  You have to admit, though, it is kind of like seeing an accident on the roadside.  Admit it:  you want to see a body, don't you?   Wherever you are, I wish you a great holiday and thank you for your support. I'll be back tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.

My life is truly blessed.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

An image makeover



I got off of the phone with  the Rat Bastard G yesterday whom informed me that he is tiring of his 5 week old goatee and is considering shaving it off.  I asked him why he wants to get rid of it so soon after growing it and he informed me he just wants to go another direction with his appearance. 

Initially, I thought the idea was kind of loopey in the first place as it does not quite match his persona as a fat, old, white rapper.  Oddly, his act as  an opener for the Green Comic, has been met with positive feedback.  G is kind of like a bad boy Barry Manilow:  crisp around the edges and kind of doughy in the middle.    Anyway, he doesn't seem to care about what his audience may think.  He is thinking of jettisoning it all. 

This conversation got me thinking.  Instead of ditching the goatee and re-embracing  his personna as the middle aged answer to the 90's rapper Vanilla Ice,  I think he ought to attempt to shift his direction entirely and become more like  Emperor Wang the Perverted character in the 1970's science fiction/porno parody  Flesh Gordon.  Obviously, there is risk in trading out your fanbase. And yes, you are going to need to come up with a new tagline.   In the meantime, you can always use the one that brought laughs for Emperor Wang:  "Up yours, Gordon". 

Monday, November 22, 2010

Your weather forecast with our slant

Under the terms of our original charter, our purpose here at  FTI is to engage in  alternative interpretation and observations of everyday life.  While striving to do so and to present the side of a subject that others may not have considered, we always feel that in doing so, the result will be an easy to understand and comprehensive analysis.  We take pride in that and think we do it better than anyone else.  We now, however,  may have met our match.

The Institute is located in a fairly temperate region where we receive occasional, scant snowfall totals during the winter season.  Many years, there is no measurable snowfall totals at all.  One of the reasons  Mrs. Kfred and I moved to this area was to leave a more vigorous winter area behind.  I don't mind snow, but quite honestly, if I don't see it again ever in my life, it wouldn't bother me a bit.      Over the last few days a developing cold front and approaching wet system have been forecast to collide over our area.  Of course, all of the television stations and local papers have led with these stories to stir people up and warn them to be prepared for the coming "arctic blast" (lows forecast to be 20-25 F).  The hard hitting reporting by the local media finally exploded with this earth-shattering quote from a meteorologist from the National Weather Service:  "cold air and moisture are the ingredients for snow".

A major hurdle for us here at FTI is to constantly find sites where our "affiliates" can be transitioned back to society with a minimum amount of disruption of their habits and thinking processes while housed with us.  I am pleased to announce we have entered into a working agreement with the National Weather Service  whom have allocated the next 2 vacancies within their department to be filled by former FTI personnel.  It should be a good match for both sides.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

It's Sunday Brunch

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I know it's out here somewhere

This individual actually  was our top candidate to head the FTI Valet Services until this unfortunate incident came to light and was ultimately passed over.   He is, however, still in consideration to be our answer to Kreskin during the midnight floorshow. 

Portland, Oregon-- Who among us has driven 2,000 miles, reported our wheels stolen and dropped $1,400 on billboards offering a reward – only to discover that we were looking on the wrong street?

Mark Walther of Oklahoma City says he's "mighty embarrassed."
On Nov. 9, after two days of driving, the 58-year-old retired municipal employee and U.S. Navy Reservist pulled into Portland to deal with his deceased sister's estate.

He stretched his legs, grabbed a burger, and returned to where he thought he had parked his trusty 1992 Toyota pickup.  It wasn't there.

Sure, he looked around. No sign. So he reported the old King Cab truck stolen.

But he wasn't ready to say goodbye to the truck, the mountain bike in the back, the Neil Young and John Prine CDs on the front seat, or the miles of memories.

After flying home, he put down $1,400 for two billboards with a photo of the green truck and a $5,000-reward offer (no questions asked).  He also placed a classified ad in The Oregonian: "2 time Iraq War veteran desperate for return of vehicle!"

Then, on Wednesday, a woman called Walther. She asked him to come move his truck so that she could rake the leaves piled up under it.   The woman, who spotted Walther's phone number on a piece of paper on the dashboard, lived about five blocks away from where he thought he parked.

Walther explained that it didn't help that he arrived in Portland after dark. "I got turned around in an awful way," he said.

"I'm usually pretty good at directions," Walther says. "I guess the Lord's not done teaching me lessons, so he's shoving a big one down my throat."

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Waiter, there are some hairs on my plate

Citing this news story, an anonymous inquiry into any vacancies here at FTI has prompted a complete review of our admission policies.  We certainly have admitted less qualified candidates, but, I have a feeling the admission bar would be raised to an unsustainable level if these two guys made it.   


LAWRENCEBURG, Ky. — Two central Kentucky men were sentenced to probation in connection with a bizarre case in which a third man said he was forced to eat his beard after an argument. The Lexington Herald-Leader reported 47-year-old Troy Holt and 51-year-old James Hill were sentenced Tuesday in Anderson Circuit Court.

Harvey Westmoreland of Lawrenceburg had said Holt cut off his beard and forced him to eat it while Hill allegedly held a sickle blade to Westmoreland and his brother during the May incident.

Holt could not say why he made Westmoreland eat his beard other than that things "got out of control" after some heavy drinking.

He added, "I ain't got no excuses about what I done."

Hill had no comment after sentencing.