Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.
We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.
The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
A simple point of view
I purposely avoid inserting my family's or my own personal life experiences into this forum. Sure, there are some striking similarities and our staff is populated by those with traits very similar to people I know, but for all intents and purposes, I choose to make this as anonymous as possible: I want you to consider the possibility that FTI could be located in your city. And you don't even realize it.
Anyways (a gentle nod to the Rat Bastard G), our 2 faithful readers already know that Mrs. Kfred is not only my long time wife of over 28 years and reluctant Director of Safety here at FTI, but also, the mother of our 2 sons, Kfred Jr.1 and Kfred Jr.2. Both are fine young men whom have already achieved success in their young lives and I am sure will continue to enjoy the same. I have a feeling they both left home at an early age to avoid being drawn into the FTI web.
Neither has traits superior to the other, they are just different. Kfred Jr.1 is a creative, artistic, flamboyant sort. He is well-read, a wonderful writer, likes to learn new things, and has a delightful sense of humor.enough about me. Graduated from college, he is scheduled to be married to his longtime girlfriend, Goldilocks, next week. Kfred Jr. 2 is the athletic, precise, serious, and determined one. Yesterday, Kfred Jr.2 called to inform us that he has been selected to a leadership position at his school for next year. His school: The US Military Academy at West Point. As a "Firstie" (Senior) next year, he will be responsible for overseeing a group of people, have day-to-day duties for which he will be accountable, and ultimately lead his team. (Are you starting to see some striking similarities?) We lovingly refer to him as ""Bilko" for the manner in which he is constantly working Mrs. Kfred and myself for any type of non-college expenses he incurs. (Case in point: a $138 charge on his credit card to a local brew-pub is somehow a financial obligation we agreed to before sending him off to college.)
We are very proud of both young men and unfailingly never forget to tell them so. In return, both of them constantly include us in their lives and cheerfully invite us to be involved with their activities. We couldn't be more happy. I relay this scenario not to brag or boast, rather, to demonstrate the simple joy of family. I am worried a bit about the younger one's insistence for me to call him by his new name, though.
Sir.
Anyways (a gentle nod to the Rat Bastard G), our 2 faithful readers already know that Mrs. Kfred is not only my long time wife of over 28 years and reluctant Director of Safety here at FTI, but also, the mother of our 2 sons, Kfred Jr.1 and Kfred Jr.2. Both are fine young men whom have already achieved success in their young lives and I am sure will continue to enjoy the same. I have a feeling they both left home at an early age to avoid being drawn into the FTI web.
Neither has traits superior to the other, they are just different. Kfred Jr.1 is a creative, artistic, flamboyant sort. He is well-read, a wonderful writer, likes to learn new things, and has a delightful sense of humor.
We are very proud of both young men and unfailingly never forget to tell them so. In return, both of them constantly include us in their lives and cheerfully invite us to be involved with their activities. We couldn't be more happy. I relay this scenario not to brag or boast, rather, to demonstrate the simple joy of family. I am worried a bit about the younger one's insistence for me to call him by his new name, though.
Sir.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Acting intelligently is out
PHOENIX – Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has started a program he calls "Pedal Vision," in which inmates pedal stationary bikes to generate electricity for television sets. The bikes are customized to turn on connected TV sets once inmates at Phoenix's Tent City Jail pedal enough to generate 12 volts of electricity. An hour of pedaling equals an hour of television.
This story caught my eye as this sheriff has become nationally known for his innovative ways to deal with his jail population. I think it is a creative and different way to deal with 2 issues: the health of his inmates and as a method to teach them that everything has a price; if you want something bad enough, you will work for it.
I am currently researching some type of parallel program for our staff in the same manner. If I could develop some type of simple, mundane, task that when performed, the resulting actions would be converted to energy, we may become a bit more self sustainable here at FTI. The difficulty, however, is to determine what type of program would be beneficial to both our staff and to FTI overall. I presented this concept at yesterday's staff meeting and solicited suggestions. Here are a couple of rejected ideas and the reasons they wouldn't work:
1) Counting and recounting money. Dickey the Peap would short out the lines.
2) Develop new jokes for entertainment. The Green Comic acted as if I were speaking in tongues when I mentioned this one.
3) Shopping for Groceries. The entire meltdown of our recent Easter event was a result of the actions of the Rat Bastard G. There is no way in hell that he will step foot inside a grocery store again on our behalf.
4) Offer telephone support for users of the soon-to-be discontinued Windows Vista operating system. The FTI IT Department, the most reviled department here at FTI, is still working on upgrading our system to Vista. You can't support something you don't understand.
Interestingly, Gummo, the Balloon Boy, seemed to be in favor of this entire program. I suspect it had to do with his affinity for a bicycle, though, I have never figured out what that connection was. Regardless, we welcome your input should you think of anything our staff could perform of value.
This story caught my eye as this sheriff has become nationally known for his innovative ways to deal with his jail population. I think it is a creative and different way to deal with 2 issues: the health of his inmates and as a method to teach them that everything has a price; if you want something bad enough, you will work for it.
I am currently researching some type of parallel program for our staff in the same manner. If I could develop some type of simple, mundane, task that when performed, the resulting actions would be converted to energy, we may become a bit more self sustainable here at FTI. The difficulty, however, is to determine what type of program would be beneficial to both our staff and to FTI overall. I presented this concept at yesterday's staff meeting and solicited suggestions. Here are a couple of rejected ideas and the reasons they wouldn't work:
1) Counting and recounting money. Dickey the Peap would short out the lines.
2) Develop new jokes for entertainment. The Green Comic acted as if I were speaking in tongues when I mentioned this one.
3) Shopping for Groceries. The entire meltdown of our recent Easter event was a result of the actions of the Rat Bastard G. There is no way in hell that he will step foot inside a grocery store again on our behalf.
4) Offer telephone support for users of the soon-to-be discontinued Windows Vista operating system. The FTI IT Department, the most reviled department here at FTI, is still working on upgrading our system to Vista. You can't support something you don't understand.
Interestingly, Gummo, the Balloon Boy, seemed to be in favor of this entire program. I suspect it had to do with his affinity for a bicycle, though, I have never figured out what that connection was. Regardless, we welcome your input should you think of anything our staff could perform of value.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Will Obamacare cover the subscription fee?
I had a discussion with Dickey the Peap the other day and we were discussing investment strategies. The short-armed one is infamous for deep analysis, careful consideration, and unique timing when determining which sectors and companies in which to invest his tightly-clenched dollars. Once this arduous task is completed, he sits back, monitors his choices, and grimaces as he watches the plummeting value of his portfolio occur almost instantaneously. Now, Dickey is not short on resources or intelligence; he is actually a very bright, successful individual. He is just deficient, however, in logic. His recent adventures included investing in a small biomedical company that is exploring ways to deal with erectile dysfunction in men and another that is building software for the gaming and entertainment industry which detects electrical signals produced by the brain. This type of product could eventually morph into some type of technology that would help paralyzed people control movement via thought or gaming enthusiasts play games without having to have the mandatory eye/hand coordination to be successful. The Peap-ed one surmised that if he were to corner the market on both of these companies, he could actually gain enough voting control to force a merger resulting in a company that would cure impotency instantly, simply by the thought patterns generated by the brain.
I still shake my head in amazement in reflecting on this conversation. I didn't have the heart to tell him that a highly successful, alternative type of product , used and known by men beginning at approximately age 13 all over the world has been around for nearly 60 years. It's called Playboy magazine.
I still shake my head in amazement in reflecting on this conversation. I didn't have the heart to tell him that a highly successful, alternative type of product , used and known by men beginning at approximately age 13 all over the world has been around for nearly 60 years. It's called Playboy magazine.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
It's Easter Sunday
Hey, it's Easter Sunday, the Misfits are out looking for one another. They never have seemed to understand the egg thing. Anyway, it's tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.
We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.
The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.
We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.
The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Caution: Don't feed the animals
Today's pending FTI Family Easter Event and accompanying Beer Garden plaza have me more than a bit concerned. As chronicled earlier, I was out-voted by the cheap-assed Board of Directors in even conducting this event, so, have adopted the " if-you-can't-beat'em-join'em" attitude in observing this fiasco. I will be testing the beer in the plaza behind a set of dark glasses and fake mustache disguise and wish to have absolutely no association with this event.
A few observations so far:
1. The Rat Bastard G, communicating on an old model, poor quality, cell phone provided by our infamous IT department , the most reviled department here at FTI, mistakenly heard the request to "pick up 5 dozen chicken eggs" as "5 dozen chicken legs" and purchased the same.
2. Gummo, the Balloon Boy, fully regaled in his paper chef's hat, cheerfully decided to go ahead and boil the legs anyway under the guise of "the show must go on". This is of course, is in direct conflict with the fact that there is no practical way to dye cooked chicken legs.
3. Marv the Neighbor is pouting because he didn't get to deep-fry the chicken legs.
Surveying the compound as I write this, I note that the Misfits are constantly shooing away 2 stray dogs, one cat, and reminding Dickey the Peap not to touch, while hiding the chicken legs. In addition, I have noted a few raccoons and a circling hawk attracted by the cooked meat.
Like most family Easter events, I am sure this one will be remembered for a long time. I just hope it's not for the wrong reasons.
A few observations so far:
1. The Rat Bastard G, communicating on an old model, poor quality, cell phone provided by our infamous IT department , the most reviled department here at FTI, mistakenly heard the request to "pick up 5 dozen chicken eggs" as "5 dozen chicken legs" and purchased the same.
2. Gummo, the Balloon Boy, fully regaled in his paper chef's hat, cheerfully decided to go ahead and boil the legs anyway under the guise of "the show must go on". This is of course, is in direct conflict with the fact that there is no practical way to dye cooked chicken legs.
3. Marv the Neighbor is pouting because he didn't get to deep-fry the chicken legs.
Surveying the compound as I write this, I note that the Misfits are constantly shooing away 2 stray dogs, one cat, and reminding Dickey the Peap not to touch, while hiding the chicken legs. In addition, I have noted a few raccoons and a circling hawk attracted by the cooked meat.
Like most family Easter events, I am sure this one will be remembered for a long time. I just hope it's not for the wrong reasons.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Will there be Playboy bunny's then?
I should have know this was going to happen. During yesterday's staff meeting, Gummo, The Balloon Boy, volunteered the idea of an "alternative event" for our initial FTI sponsored Easter Egg hunt scheduled for this coming Saturday. I knew there was something in the offing, but had no idea of the sheer idiocy involved. Once the details were revealed, it made perfect sense. If you are a moron.
True to the type of previous thinking and analysis now exhibited here on an oh-too-frequent basis, Gummo suggested we involve parents rather than just the kids. He had noticed similar type of successful organizations that offered hard boiled eggs and thought that we might offer a new twist to a generations old tradition. I was suitably impressed with this new-found line of reasoning from old "Air Bag" and asked for more details. The reasoning went something like this: Easter eggs hunts always involve eggs and similar Easter themed items (marshmallow chicks, jelly beans, and foil wrapped chocolate eggs, etc). Not abandoning Easter Eggs but, offering a new twist, we ought to appeal to the parents with something more geared to their tastes. So far, so good. (Now, I don't know many people who don't care for chocolate and jelly beans; the marshmallow items might be a bit sketchy, but, let's give Gummo the benefit of the doubt). Here is where the train ran off of the tracks: As an accompanying item to the various hard boiled eggs scattered throughout the FTI compound we should also hide adult oriented items related to hard boiled eggs: Cornuts, Pepperoni sticks, pretzels, and gambling pull tabs. Immediately realizing the similarities between this suggestion and the items stocked behind the counter at Any Tavern USA, I abruptly moved that this suggestion was maddening and that we consider the next agenda item.
Regardless, the 1st FTI sponsored Family Egg hunt is scheduled for this Saturday, rain or shine. I was out- voted, however, on one suggestion that will be implemented at our event. As a result, I have decided to not participate in the actual hunt, but, will be there to meet and greet all of our guests. The actual event is scheduled to begin in the afternoon, I will be at the compound starting at 9am. Please come by and say hello. I will be in the Beer Garden.
True to the type of previous thinking and analysis now exhibited here on an oh-too-frequent basis, Gummo suggested we involve parents rather than just the kids. He had noticed similar type of successful organizations that offered hard boiled eggs and thought that we might offer a new twist to a generations old tradition. I was suitably impressed with this new-found line of reasoning from old "Air Bag" and asked for more details. The reasoning went something like this: Easter eggs hunts always involve eggs and similar Easter themed items (marshmallow chicks, jelly beans, and foil wrapped chocolate eggs, etc). Not abandoning Easter Eggs but, offering a new twist, we ought to appeal to the parents with something more geared to their tastes. So far, so good. (Now, I don't know many people who don't care for chocolate and jelly beans; the marshmallow items might be a bit sketchy, but, let's give Gummo the benefit of the doubt). Here is where the train ran off of the tracks: As an accompanying item to the various hard boiled eggs scattered throughout the FTI compound we should also hide adult oriented items related to hard boiled eggs: Cornuts, Pepperoni sticks, pretzels, and gambling pull tabs. Immediately realizing the similarities between this suggestion and the items stocked behind the counter at Any Tavern USA, I abruptly moved that this suggestion was maddening and that we consider the next agenda item.
Regardless, the 1st FTI sponsored Family Egg hunt is scheduled for this Saturday, rain or shine. I was out- voted, however, on one suggestion that will be implemented at our event. As a result, I have decided to not participate in the actual hunt, but, will be there to meet and greet all of our guests. The actual event is scheduled to begin in the afternoon, I will be at the compound starting at 9am. Please come by and say hello. I will be in the Beer Garden.
Monday, March 29, 2010
This is why I never get an advance copy
Once again, I haven't seen the advance agenda for today's weekly staff meeting, but do point out a few potential topics of discussion:
- The upcoming FTI sponsored Easter Egg hunt is scheduled for next Saturday. I have not been directly involved with the event planning, but apparently Gummo, the Balloon Boy, thought it would be fine if we develop an "alternative event" related to liquor as opposed to the traditional type. I am sure there will be more about this as the week grinds on;
- I will be leaving town mid-week again on non-Institute business and we need to appoint a temporary caretaker Executive Director to fill the vacancy. Giacommo performed capably in my absence and other than the escaping watch-goats incident from 2 weeks ago, seems capable of "manning the store";
- The FTI IT Department, the most reviled department here at FTI, is scheduled to present on their plan on how to dispose of the old FTI computer with all of it's sensitive data on the hard drive. Personnel files, financial data, and
embarrassing picturespersonal digital images meaningful only to us here at FTI should not end up in a shelter somewhere as the results of a well-meaning, but obviously askew, plan to recycle computers for the less fortunate. - A request out of the petty cash fund has been requested by Dickey the Peap for purchase of a pair of pants. He lost his a few weeks ago during a "pantsing" incident initiated by some of the other members of our staff after having been labeled a "Nancy-boy" for some comments he posted. I expect this request to sail swiftly through committee. No one wants to see the "Peap" without his pants.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
It's Palm Sunday
Duh. Take a look at the calendar. It's tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.
We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.
The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.
We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.
The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Technology is a wonderful thing
Having limped along since our initial inception in July of 2009 on a no-name Windows XP computer, I slipped a provisional line item into the 2010 budget that the cheap-assed Board of Directors apparently didn't discover during the approval process at the end of the year. As a result, today's post is the first produced on the newly purchased FTI computer. True to their form, the FTI IT department, the most reviled department here at FTI, fumbled their way through set -up and installation over the past 3 days, but, have finally gotten us up and running as evidenced by this posting.
A member of our staff, Marv the Neighbor, did contribute a valuable insight that I wish to share with our 2 faithful readers. It quite honestly reflects the frustration most of us experience with computers from time to time.
After going through a virus attack,
Losing a hard drive,
Fighting off hackers,
Upgrading all my software,
Installing fire-walls,
Being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
And a host of other problems...
I have fixed my computer...
And NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!
A member of our staff, Marv the Neighbor, did contribute a valuable insight that I wish to share with our 2 faithful readers. It quite honestly reflects the frustration most of us experience with computers from time to time.
After going through a virus attack,
Losing a hard drive,
Fighting off hackers,
Upgrading all my software,
Installing fire-walls,
Being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
And a host of other problems...
I have fixed my computer...
And NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I'm OK. It was only a scratch.
And now, the final installment of my story. Here's part 1, here's part 2:
The 3rd (that I know of) margarita arrives and play continues around the table. A couple of wins, a couple of losses. A Typical Blackjack round. Then quietly, the tide turns and the cards begin to fall favorably again. When I win, I steadily increase my bet each time up until the point I lose a hand. I then start over on the next hand and begin the process anew. That's the only way you win money at Blackjack. If you keep the same bet out each time, you will sit there for 3 hours and have about $10 more than when you arrived in the first place. I don't like that. Now, this whole time, I have been squirreling a couple of chips away each time. I figure if the bottom falls out at anytime, I have something in reserve that never gets touched at any point and at least I walk away even for the session. I know I have at least my original $60, so, I am only playing on the House's money.
Now the margaritas must have kicked in because my admirer places a $15 bet out waiting for the next hand. First card dealt; an Ace. "Alright!," she says. "Halfway home". Cards are dealt around the table, dealer gets a face card. The 2nd cards are dealt, and lo and behold, another Ace lands on top of the first one. "Yes!!" So now, she is forced to split these and play as two separate potential winning Blackjack hands, but, it will cost another $15 to do so. "Do you think I should do it?" "Quicker than Dickie the Peap heading for the door after dinner," I replied. I get a highly puzzled look from the rest of the players at the table and suddenly remember I am no longer in Institute territory. The Dealer says, "Pardon me?" "Never mind. Yes, split the cards". Out go another 3-$5 chips for the bigtime showdown. "I'm nervous with the dealers King showing." It doesn't matter as she gets a 10 and a Queen. Blackjack, twice. Pay the lady $45. Well, you would have thought my new friend had hit the lottery. "Wow! That was great! Can I kiss you?"
Now, I don't know how to exactly explain what happened next. I was not and had no intentions of flirting with this woman. I was just in for an afternoon of some relaxing card playing, hopefully pick up a couple of bucks, and enjoy myself. That's it. So what did I do? "Sure, that's fine". She grabbed the back of my head with her left hand, my chin with her right and gave me a big kiss on the cheek. No sooner than finishing that act, she screams, "your wife!" Standing no less than 5 feet is Mrs. Kfred about to ask me the obligatory " how ya doin'?" question, but now the look on her face is a little more puzzled over something more than my well being. "Hello dear, What's going on here?" I immediately realize the danger that is fast approaching.
Part of my leadership skill set is to identify potential problems, implement strategies to deal with those problems, and execute those strategies to eliminate the problem. Between dealing with a semi-drunk senior citizen, a new player at the 3rd base position of the table who has no problem with hitting a 15 while the rest of the table has pat hands with the dealer's up card being a 6, and a wife I have NEVER given any reason to question my fidelity over after 28 years of marriage (and has now lost a total of $140 on those damn slot machines), I quickly decide it is time to am-scray. I slide my chips to the dealer and tell him to cash me out. My one saving grace is that I had been squirreling those chips away the whole afternoon. My beginning stake has now grown to $200. Subtracting the initial $60 and the $140 Mrs. Kfred has lost, our total household budget is even. Same as when we walked in the door of the place.
Mrs. Kfred never got really mad. I would like to think my afternoon of adventure was due partly to my rugged good looks, chiseled features, straight teeth, muscular build, and all of the rest of that bullshit. Deep down, though I know the true attraction: Some women are just attracted to men whom know how to accessorize their wardrobe. I am confident that is what caused this whole episode. My fashion accessory of choice? The official FTI Fanny Pack I have been wearing the whole time.
The 3rd (that I know of) margarita arrives and play continues around the table. A couple of wins, a couple of losses. A Typical Blackjack round. Then quietly, the tide turns and the cards begin to fall favorably again. When I win, I steadily increase my bet each time up until the point I lose a hand. I then start over on the next hand and begin the process anew. That's the only way you win money at Blackjack. If you keep the same bet out each time, you will sit there for 3 hours and have about $10 more than when you arrived in the first place. I don't like that. Now, this whole time, I have been squirreling a couple of chips away each time. I figure if the bottom falls out at anytime, I have something in reserve that never gets touched at any point and at least I walk away even for the session. I know I have at least my original $60, so, I am only playing on the House's money.
Now the margaritas must have kicked in because my admirer places a $15 bet out waiting for the next hand. First card dealt; an Ace. "Alright!," she says. "Halfway home". Cards are dealt around the table, dealer gets a face card. The 2nd cards are dealt, and lo and behold, another Ace lands on top of the first one. "Yes!!" So now, she is forced to split these and play as two separate potential winning Blackjack hands, but, it will cost another $15 to do so. "Do you think I should do it?" "Quicker than Dickie the Peap heading for the door after dinner," I replied. I get a highly puzzled look from the rest of the players at the table and suddenly remember I am no longer in Institute territory. The Dealer says, "Pardon me?" "Never mind. Yes, split the cards". Out go another 3-$5 chips for the bigtime showdown. "I'm nervous with the dealers King showing." It doesn't matter as she gets a 10 and a Queen. Blackjack, twice. Pay the lady $45. Well, you would have thought my new friend had hit the lottery. "Wow! That was great! Can I kiss you?"
Now, I don't know how to exactly explain what happened next. I was not and had no intentions of flirting with this woman. I was just in for an afternoon of some relaxing card playing, hopefully pick up a couple of bucks, and enjoy myself. That's it. So what did I do? "Sure, that's fine". She grabbed the back of my head with her left hand, my chin with her right and gave me a big kiss on the cheek. No sooner than finishing that act, she screams, "your wife!" Standing no less than 5 feet is Mrs. Kfred about to ask me the obligatory " how ya doin'?" question, but now the look on her face is a little more puzzled over something more than my well being. "Hello dear, What's going on here?" I immediately realize the danger that is fast approaching.
Part of my leadership skill set is to identify potential problems, implement strategies to deal with those problems, and execute those strategies to eliminate the problem. Between dealing with a semi-drunk senior citizen, a new player at the 3rd base position of the table who has no problem with hitting a 15 while the rest of the table has pat hands with the dealer's up card being a 6, and a wife I have NEVER given any reason to question my fidelity over after 28 years of marriage (and has now lost a total of $140 on those damn slot machines), I quickly decide it is time to am-scray. I slide my chips to the dealer and tell him to cash me out. My one saving grace is that I had been squirreling those chips away the whole afternoon. My beginning stake has now grown to $200. Subtracting the initial $60 and the $140 Mrs. Kfred has lost, our total household budget is even. Same as when we walked in the door of the place.
Mrs. Kfred never got really mad. I would like to think my afternoon of adventure was due partly to my rugged good looks, chiseled features, straight teeth, muscular build, and all of the rest of that bullshit. Deep down, though I know the true attraction: Some women are just attracted to men whom know how to accessorize their wardrobe. I am confident that is what caused this whole episode. My fashion accessory of choice? The official FTI Fanny Pack I have been wearing the whole time.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
The cougar and the hunted
..........continuing from yesterday or "Why I have no intention of rejoining the dating pool".........................
Anyway, we went on talking and she asked me what I was doing in the area and asked what I did for a living. I answered I was a high ranking official in a non-descript Institute and offered her my official FTI identification badge as proof. She remarked that she had never heard of FTI and that I looked nothing like the photo ID on the card. (Our idiot IT department, the most reviled department here at FTI, in conjunction with the FTI internal security team, came up with the brilliant idea of using photos not even close to bearing anything to our actual resemblances, as a means to thwart parallel groups that offer competitive policy, analysis, and observations. I'll let you figure that one out.) Also, the cocktail waitress came by and was asked to bring another margarita.
Regardless, she asked the question, "So, where's your wife?" I told her that she was out somewhere on the floor playing slots. As if on cue, Mrs. Kfred came up to the table and asked me the seemingly innocent question "So, how are you doing?" Based on prior experience, I know this question is actually code talk for "I just lost my ass playing slots and am out of money. Do you want to give me some more or do you want me to quit?" I answered, "fine, how are you doing?" "I'm down $80." A total of perhaps 30 minutes has elapsed and my wife has lost $80! I, on the other hand, with my moderate success am up about $70. My new friend remarks, "Oh, here she is. You're cute. You must be the wife. You are a very lucky woman". My wife said, "well, no. I'm not. I lost my money". My prospective fiance says, "No. I mean you are lucky to have this man. He's a very nice man". The two of them make small talk and then Mrs. Kfred asks if I want her to stop playing slots. This question is akin to the question "Do these pants make me look fat?" There is no correct answer. As I am up a few dollars, I give her $20 of my winnings with the admonishment to not lose it. She heads for the "Chump Change" machine and I go back to playing 21.
For the next half hour or so, I experience a pretty good run of cards, betting $15 to $20 hands and winning fairly often. My lady friend is convinced I am good luck as she is winning as well. Now, I realize she is getting increasingly "happier" as the afternoon wears on and I have been receiving smirks from the other players and the dealer. As they can obviously observe what is going on, I decide to entertain the boys a little. I begin asking my friend if I should split facecards, should I hit a Jack and an Ace, etc. She decides that she now wants to be seated on my left side so she can "see me" from that side. (Of course, this also makes me take the first card from the dealer on each fresh hand as well. We will discuss 21 strategy at another time.) The cards are falling in the winners direction; we all exchange fist bumps and high fives as the entire table runs a pretty good streak. I come to find out that Ms. Lonely has 2 houses, is not married, used to be a probation officer in San Diego, would love to find a man, and, I think, loaded financially. About this time, Mrs. Kfred now makes a second appearance. "Are you doing OK?" This is actually a coy variation of the original question with the exact same meaning. I reply, "Fine. You?"
Mrs. Kfred: "Uh, I lost the money you gave me."
Me: "What?!?"
Mrs. Kfred: "Yep. Should I quit?"
My admirer: "Honey, You should rather go shopping."
Now, I am not experienced in some matters, but I can see a potential catfight a brewin' here. I am, though, winning at 21 and enjoying myself and want to play some more. I immediately give Mrs. Kfred another $20 and wish her the best of luck this time and shoo her off. My friend observes that, "She needs to go away". And orders another margarita.
Tomorrow: "Can I kiss you?"
Anyway, we went on talking and she asked me what I was doing in the area and asked what I did for a living. I answered I was a high ranking official in a non-descript Institute and offered her my official FTI identification badge as proof. She remarked that she had never heard of FTI and that I looked nothing like the photo ID on the card. (Our idiot IT department, the most reviled department here at FTI, in conjunction with the FTI internal security team, came up with the brilliant idea of using photos not even close to bearing anything to our actual resemblances, as a means to thwart parallel groups that offer competitive policy, analysis, and observations. I'll let you figure that one out.) Also, the cocktail waitress came by and was asked to bring another margarita.
Regardless, she asked the question, "So, where's your wife?" I told her that she was out somewhere on the floor playing slots. As if on cue, Mrs. Kfred came up to the table and asked me the seemingly innocent question "So, how are you doing?" Based on prior experience, I know this question is actually code talk for "I just lost my ass playing slots and am out of money. Do you want to give me some more or do you want me to quit?" I answered, "fine, how are you doing?" "I'm down $80." A total of perhaps 30 minutes has elapsed and my wife has lost $80! I, on the other hand, with my moderate success am up about $70. My new friend remarks, "Oh, here she is. You're cute. You must be the wife. You are a very lucky woman". My wife said, "well, no. I'm not. I lost my money". My prospective fiance says, "No. I mean you are lucky to have this man. He's a very nice man". The two of them make small talk and then Mrs. Kfred asks if I want her to stop playing slots. This question is akin to the question "Do these pants make me look fat?" There is no correct answer. As I am up a few dollars, I give her $20 of my winnings with the admonishment to not lose it. She heads for the "Chump Change" machine and I go back to playing 21.
For the next half hour or so, I experience a pretty good run of cards, betting $15 to $20 hands and winning fairly often. My lady friend is convinced I am good luck as she is winning as well. Now, I realize she is getting increasingly "happier" as the afternoon wears on and I have been receiving smirks from the other players and the dealer. As they can obviously observe what is going on, I decide to entertain the boys a little. I begin asking my friend if I should split facecards, should I hit a Jack and an Ace, etc. She decides that she now wants to be seated on my left side so she can "see me" from that side. (Of course, this also makes me take the first card from the dealer on each fresh hand as well. We will discuss 21 strategy at another time.) The cards are falling in the winners direction; we all exchange fist bumps and high fives as the entire table runs a pretty good streak. I come to find out that Ms. Lonely has 2 houses, is not married, used to be a probation officer in San Diego, would love to find a man, and, I think, loaded financially. About this time, Mrs. Kfred now makes a second appearance. "Are you doing OK?" This is actually a coy variation of the original question with the exact same meaning. I reply, "Fine. You?"
Mrs. Kfred: "Uh, I lost the money you gave me."
Me: "What?!?"
Mrs. Kfred: "Yep. Should I quit?"
My admirer: "Honey, You should rather go shopping."
Now, I am not experienced in some matters, but I can see a potential catfight a brewin' here. I am, though, winning at 21 and enjoying myself and want to play some more. I immediately give Mrs. Kfred another $20 and wish her the best of luck this time and shoo her off. My friend observes that, "She needs to go away". And orders another margarita.
Tomorrow: "Can I kiss you?"
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I Guess Women Are Just Attracted to Authority Figures
Well now, all you little Weirdos, gather round and let me tell you about the Wiley charms of your Executive Director. Mrs. Kfred and I were on extended weekend last week to visit Freako and enjoy some sun in the desert. The sun was wonderful, the food was great, and the luck was positive.........which brings us to our story.
This past Saturday, while attending the Carrot Festival, we went to a local casino in the area. We both like to casually gamble and view it as a basically harmless activity. I like playing 21, Mrs. Kfred likes the slots and insists that she has a sure fire method to detect a winning machine. If I hadn't previously thought enough of her intelligence to appoint her as Director of Institute Safety here at FTI, I swear she would rate only one rung higher than Dickie the Peap on the IQ chart with this type of analysis. I must say she has been quite lucky in the past, however. Regardless, we decided to meet in 90 minutes time and went our separate ways.
I spot a $5 minimum bet 21 table populated by 4 men and one woman playing and decide to fill the available chair next to the woman. The lady is approximately 65 years old, moderately attractive, with a half finished margarita in front of her spot. We exchange smiles and nods, I greet the dealer, and lay 3 $20 bills on the table as my entire stake; win, lose or draw that's all I am pulling out of my pocket. (Coincidentally, this $60 is equal to the current balance of the FTI pension fund. I point this out only to highlight that we, too, at FTI are not immune to the financial difficulties suffered by the rest of society.) Anyway, I start playing and attempt to cover the inevitable losses I know that my household budget is about to suffer due to the miscalculations of selecting a winning slot machine based on the cartoon figures on the reels.
Now, when I play 21 in a casino, I am very intent. I have no "method" or system and I never drink alcohol while playing. I study the cards and try to determine at least how many 10's and face cards are still in play. As a result, I don't make much small talk, chatter much, or congratulate other players on a "good hit". I just play the game and keep to myself. Anyway, after about 10 minutes of play, I begin to enjoy a lucky streak and win consistently. The woman seated to my right comments that, "Hey, you are doing great" and "way to go". I thank her and think nothing more about it. After my 5th consistent winning hand, she remarks, " Gosh, you're winning and here by yourself. Wow". I ignore the remark and keep playing the game. A few hands later, I am dealt a blackjack on a $15 bet and she says, "Wow, that's great! Do you want to get married?" I point out to her that my wife might not go for that. "You're married? You don't wear a ring! Do you just do that to confuse women?" I, in fact, do not and have not ever worn a wedding ring, bracelet, or necklace. Ever. I am always wearing the lanyard with my official FTI identification badge (it's amazing, the number perks I enjoy when I show my badge) under my shirt, but other than that, no jewelry.
Coming tomorrow: "Where's your wife?" and "She needs to go away"
This past Saturday, while attending the Carrot Festival, we went to a local casino in the area. We both like to casually gamble and view it as a basically harmless activity. I like playing 21, Mrs. Kfred likes the slots and insists that she has a sure fire method to detect a winning machine. If I hadn't previously thought enough of her intelligence to appoint her as Director of Institute Safety here at FTI, I swear she would rate only one rung higher than Dickie the Peap on the IQ chart with this type of analysis. I must say she has been quite lucky in the past, however. Regardless, we decided to meet in 90 minutes time and went our separate ways.
I spot a $5 minimum bet 21 table populated by 4 men and one woman playing and decide to fill the available chair next to the woman. The lady is approximately 65 years old, moderately attractive, with a half finished margarita in front of her spot. We exchange smiles and nods, I greet the dealer, and lay 3 $20 bills on the table as my entire stake; win, lose or draw that's all I am pulling out of my pocket. (Coincidentally, this $60 is equal to the current balance of the FTI pension fund. I point this out only to highlight that we, too, at FTI are not immune to the financial difficulties suffered by the rest of society.) Anyway, I start playing and attempt to cover the inevitable losses I know that my household budget is about to suffer due to the miscalculations of selecting a winning slot machine based on the cartoon figures on the reels.
Now, when I play 21 in a casino, I am very intent. I have no "method" or system and I never drink alcohol while playing. I study the cards and try to determine at least how many 10's and face cards are still in play. As a result, I don't make much small talk, chatter much, or congratulate other players on a "good hit". I just play the game and keep to myself. Anyway, after about 10 minutes of play, I begin to enjoy a lucky streak and win consistently. The woman seated to my right comments that, "Hey, you are doing great" and "way to go". I thank her and think nothing more about it. After my 5th consistent winning hand, she remarks, " Gosh, you're winning and here by yourself. Wow". I ignore the remark and keep playing the game. A few hands later, I am dealt a blackjack on a $15 bet and she says, "Wow, that's great! Do you want to get married?" I point out to her that my wife might not go for that. "You're married? You don't wear a ring! Do you just do that to confuse women?" I, in fact, do not and have not ever worn a wedding ring, bracelet, or necklace. Ever. I am always wearing the lanyard with my official FTI identification badge (it's amazing, the number perks I enjoy when I show my badge) under my shirt, but other than that, no jewelry.
Coming tomorrow: "Where's your wife?" and "She needs to go away"
Monday, March 22, 2010
Bits and pieces, odds and ends
Well, a new week is upon us here at FTI and I am back in the Director's chair. I haven't seen the agenda for today's weekly staff meeting, but, will address a few housekeeping administrative items in advance myself:
- Thanks to Giacommo for the fine job performed in my absence. Gummo the Balloon Boy has successfully re-gained having his "freak" on; I can only assume this was due to Giacommo's efforts. (One astute reader noted that the last time I was absent from duties, the misfits commandeered this blog with pictures of Gingerbread houses and the like. FTI settled out of court with the Hayward family on that one, but, insisted on a sealed agreement in order to avoid needless additional less-than-flattering publicity. Thank God, that type of event didn't occur during Giacommo's watch.) The only mishap was that the herd of FTI watch goats did escape their pen, but Giacommo did successfully manage to corral all, but one. My fear is that Marv the Neighbor may attempt to deep fry it as well if he catches it first.
- Freako is doing well and should be finishing
treatmenthis rest in about another 3 weeks time. It's amazing whatdrying outthe good weather can do for one's attitude; and finally,
- I still got game. Suffice to say, this event will be plumbed to later depths tomorrow due to my lateness in preparing this in order to meet the publishing deadline. Let's just put it this way: Having to fend off the repeated advances of a senior citizen "cougar", I can safely say there is no way in Hell I would want to be dating all over again. Again, we will discuss it tomorrow.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
It's Returning Sunday
Hey c'mon, it's Returning Sunday. Freako is doing well as the Vitamin D in the sun seems to have clarified his thinking. As a result and in celebration, all of us at FTI are taking the day off.
We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.
See you tomorrow.
We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.
See you tomorrow.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Eh, Excuse me Doc. Can you direct me to the Coachella Valley and the Carrot Festival, therein?
By the time this post is published, Mrs. Kfred and I will have jetted off to visit Freako Deako and his lovely wife for a long weekend. I have purposely planned this event as a means to test the mettle and fortitude of our trustee, Giacommo. I tend to think of it as kind of a "popquiz" for him and plan to use it as a method to test his resolve to continue on here at FTI. I have pre-chosen tomorrow's decidedly low-tech Jukebox selection and advised local law enforcement of my absence, so, he won't have those burdens. He will, however, be charged with the tasks of deciding which snack to serve the Misfits, deny any knowledge of the status of our overdue account with the local bail bondman, and to help Gummo the Balloon Boy get his "freak" back on. (Editors Note: We have no knowledge of what the last duty entails. We simply transfer copy given to us.)
As we are still working on a succession plan for the Executive Director position here at the Institute, I am curious to see the results. I have high expectations and am confident Giacommo is up to the task. Failure, however, has it's own downside. Depending on the severity of any screw-up, he will simply be assigned to sharpen pencils, be broken down to the status of an ordinary Misfit, or worse, banished from FTI and go back to dealing with Crazy. None are options that an up and coming, enthusiastic, alternative thinker would aspire to. On the other hand, this is FTI. Regardless, I am not going to worry and simply enjoy my time away.
Say, this place reminds me a lot of Alba-koy-kee.
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