This is hardly Shakespeare

Part of the ongoing burden here at FTI is battling the continuing perception that our best and brightest simply are losers with poor personal qualities, odd behaviors, and borderline hygiene habits. People say they are not "good enough". Oh sure, most of time the Mistfit's embarrass themselves and besmirch the brand I have so mightily struggled to build, by their actions, thoughts, and deeds. Yes, Dickie is a lousy golfer and a cheapskate. Certainly, the Rat Bastard G is obnoxious. It goes with the territory.  I get it.  I am normally a strong person. Not much fazes me.  Once in a while, though, just every so often, their pathetic efforts actually bring tears to my eyes as I realize that these morons will never achieve any type of greatness. We simply have been dealt the losers from the bottom of the deck.

 A recent competition from the local literary society inspired me to assign our staff a quick, fun, writing exercise. My hope is that it would provide them an outlet to do something a bit different and still compete with normal people on an anonymous basis. After all, their sheer appearance wouldn't disqualify their efforts or to be immediately be discriminated against as "idiot looking." Anyways, the contest was to write a small poem using the word "Timbuktu". The society offered an example and encouraged writers to create their own. Their example is published here:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.

My immediate reaction was of inspiration. To be challenged to combine the skills of written prose, iambic pentameter, and geography in a single exercise would be an accomplishment. Much like playing with a ball after an accident can be a form of physical therapy for a child. my thought was "here is a task that can be fun without realizing it is actually strengthening their brain".  When announcing the task, they immediately groaned and complained that this was too hard and they didn't even know what Timbuktu was.  I told them to do some research and find out of their own and to use their own brain power to do so.   After much discussion, I allowed them to work on this task as a collaborative effort rather than individually as none singly can even determine the correct side of a piece of paper to begin. The result is here:

Me and Tim a huntin' went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent;
They were three, and we were two,
So I bucked one, and Tim buktu.

So much for the creative writing thing.

Pre-Black Friday clearance post thoughts

Getting ready for the upcoming crazy day on Friday, I hope one of our 2 faithful readers can take these thoughts and make some sense of them:

How come "Jail" doesn't have it's own personal Facebook page and map location for people to "share" with their friends?

Has everyone forgotten that the world is supposedly going to end on December 21st of this year according to the ancient Mayan calendars? I haven't hear much about that lately. Personally, I have to believe there is some secret link to the end of time and the demise of the Hostess Twinkie.

Wouldn't it be easier for Best Buy to simply offer a complete in-store turkey dinner along with low priced flat screen TV's? That way you can eat and shop without waiting in line in the cold.

Will the sport of football be eventually banned? The amount of concussions experienced by players is almost epidemic; past players have a class action lawsuit against the NFL because of them, the rules are changing to reduce the chance of them, and yet, the sport continues. Don't get me wrong; I like football. I think though, like putting Christians to the lions, I may very will witness a day when the game is no longer played.

I have a few more that will probably hit the clearance post after the holidays. Go ahead and take those now. And don't forget our low price guarantee: We'll double your wasted time back if you can find these thoughts more succinctly anywhere else.

Jukebox: I swear this was written for me

That sounds right

Have you seen the TV show What Would You Do? It's a program that uses a hidden camera to record ordinary people and their reactions to actors portraying ordinary people doing or saying things that most would object to. These uncomfortable, unethical circumstances are used as a background to observe regular peoples behavior.  Marv, the Neighbor, came across a situation and I share it here:

A  man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
midnight.  While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a
witness. The  man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants
to catch her in  the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the  husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on  the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there
is his wife in bed with  another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's  head.

The wife shouts," Don't do it! I lied when I told you I  inherited money:
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for  our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers  tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country  club membership, and
HE even pays the monthly  dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband  lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says "What would you  do?"

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."

It's always been important; it just means a little more now

It seems to me that yesterday's America's observance of Veteran's Day amounted to not much more than support by each of the NFL teams saluting our troops and a couple of mattress store event sales. Most of the population doesn't seem to get it.

The act of Veteran's Day commemoration is simple: A celebration to honor America's veterans for their patriotism, love of country, and willingness to serve and sacrifice for the common good. Sadly, today and until next November 11, it will be forgotten by most people. And, in the past, I have been guilty of forgetting as well. But no longer. Now, I have skin in the game.

I know various feelings that are broken into categories. On one side are the feelings of worry. Of apprehension. Of fear. I really know them; they are constantly with me. On the other side, though, I do know and have seen the feelings of confidence, preparedness, and sense of right. They aren't always with me. Yet, everytime I summon them, the first set of feelings slink away in cowardice and shame. Oh, they do come back when not challenged, but they are defeated every time. Every time.

Godspeed, my son.

Jukebox: Gummo, pay attention to the rolling out of the car part

Let's go over our coverage

Now that the elections are over, we have had a bit of time to do some post event analysis to further sharpen our skills for the future. Well within our acceptable 50% margin of error, our pre-election analysis was found to be prescient, pompous, and prattle-like.

Initially disappointed with this type of evaluation, I now realize this characterization actually very reflective of our population and their beliefs:

Dickie the Peap WAS for Romney; one's got to protect that small fortune that he has squirreled away over the years, though, he seems to recently begin switching his political allegiance to Donald Trump, if for nothing else, the fact that they share the same hair style.

Gummo, the Balloon Boy, did support a fringe candidate but has now shifted his attention to ensuring that the upcoming Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade does include a balloon entry of the Toddlers and Tiaras reality show star Honey-Boo-Boo. So much for political activism.

The Green Comic will simply update some old political jokes originally told by Robin Williams from the 80's and present them as his own.

Rat Bastard G DOES not know what is going on and, as of late yesterday morning, was still awaiting election results.

Our methodology, thoroughness, and ability to sample the part of the population normally overlooked by traditional pollsters, appears to be a winning formula when the need for relevance is considered in election polling. Either that, or someone trying to avoid the support of the tin foil hat brigade would be well served to heed our results.

My turn on the soapbox

Well, it's finally here. The nearly 3 year old effort to replace (or retain) the office of the Presidency draws to a close today. And it can't come soon enough.

I don't understand the need for anyone to be in constant campaign mode, but, that is exactly what our electoral process has become. Every decision, every comment, every action appears to be committed with the intent to only result in re-election the next time around. Forget about solving today's problems. Just do something that helps the candidate the next time around. In the meantime, the world is going to hell. Of course, we, the little people, are also responsible. We vote only for our own self interest and figure "to hell with the next generation". I want "mine" now and , by God, I am going to get it.

I notice I have become more tolerant as I age. By "tolerant", I don't mean in the politically Liberal sense of the word. I mean, that quite honestly, some things are not meant to be addressed by the government and they should just butt out. You want to marry someone of the same sex? Have at it. I don't buy the argument that it will lead down the slippery slope of allowing someone to someday marry their cocker spaniel and that would be acceptable. That person would still be considered a freak. We seem to have plenty of freaks as it is. Legalize all drug use? No way. But, the War on Drugs has been nothing but a complete failure and we have spent a ton of money fighting it. Legalize pot and tax the hell out of it. Seems like a simple concept. So are you a Democrat? A Republican? I think they are 2 sides of the same coin and it's getting tiresome. Until we demand accountability, we are going to get mediocrity.

It's the American way.

Did you hear that?

Not once, but twice, this past weekend, I had the distinct pleasure of being roused out of sleep by the incessant, piercing, shriek of the rogue smoke alarms here at the FTI Executive quarters. As opposed to this incident from a few years ago, I instead was treated to the full-on, full-throated, warning capabilities of the Firex model i4618 and pronounce it to be worthy of all advantages it's manufacturer claims it has. After all, there is nothing like getting up in the middle of the night to a high pitched squeal, half asleep, bumbling around desperately trying to figure out how to deal with the incident while simultaneously being enthusiastically exorted by Mrs. Kfred to "shut those goddamn things off!". Thank you, dear. I'll get right on it.

Subsequent investigation determined one of the models to be non-functioning and apparently the cause of the problem. I don't quite understand why all of the models are inter-wired to each other resulting in all of them shrieking at the same time, but, hey, I am not that smart. I got to the manufacturer's website and noted that they have a 5 year warranty and to return for a complete replacement. Out in the mail it goes today. I attached a note asking if they could change the warning tune to Brahm's Lullaby.

It makes it easier to sleep.

Jukebox: At the Pinnacle

Our data indicates....

Noting the extreme closeness of the Presidential race, the suggestion for conducting some type of polling was raised during our weekly staff meeting this past Monday. Various polls indicate an extremely close race between both candidates with each identified as the front-runner. Our commitment here at FTI to policy analysis and event commentary while simultaneously offering accuracy, fairness, and timely delivery of issues that mean the most to our 2 faithful readers dictated some type of random political work on our behalf.

Realizing that sending the Misfits to canvassing our immediate area around the compound would result in jamming the phone lines at our local mental health center, I decided to simply conduct an internal poll here at FTI. And the results were, uh surprising. Devising the simply scientific question of, "To hell with everyone else, whom of the active presidential candidates will benefit you the most, and why?" The results are stunning:

Dickie the Peap:"That's easy. Romney. He's for us rich guys."

Gummo, the Balloon Boy: "Levon. He sells cartoon balloon's all day" (EDITOR'S NOTE: Our pollsters were confused by this answer . We had no idea what this is about. Deep research later concluded this answer is in reference to the lyrics of a 40 year old Elton John song, "Levon")

The Green Comic: "Huh? Oh I get it now. I didn't understand why all of the guys I steal material from were riffing on the President."

Rat Bastard G: "Obama. He and I both don't know what we are going to do for the next 4 years, so, I figure, what the hell.
Hey, you wanna see my scar?"

Our poll was conducted with an established error ratio of 50/50 of troubled individuals contacted during the period of October 22nd to 23rd. We feel certain these results will only add to the uncertainty already associated with this race.

Jukebox: A different (better) version of an Oldie

Hey, I am having a little dinner party. You want to come over?

HOLLAND TOWNSHIP, Mich.-Authorities say a blaze that displaced dozens of people from a southwest Michigan apartment complex may have been sparked by a resident trying to cook a squirrel with a propane torch.

Fire Chief Jim Kohsel said that the resident apparently planned to eat the animal and was burning off its fur on a third-floor deck at the building in Ottawa County's Holland Township when the fire broke out Wednesday. Flames spread to the roof. Kohsel said eight apartments were destroyed and others damaged. No residents were injured though one firefighter suffered a broken toe.

Residents were later able to return to their homes and enjoy flaming Spanish coffee's for dessert, however.

Justice Delayed is Justice denied

Once again, I simply cannot understand the depths at which our justice system will afford any and every opportunity to a wrong-doer a chance to avoid judgment. Case in point? My experience yesterday.

Having been scheduled to hear our case for determing an increase in the amount of bond needed to secure our judgment in my onling legal battle, the Idiot judgment debtor's attorney suddenly claiming that over 80 pages of documents received in the last 36 hours, she simply didn't have time to adequately prepare and so requests another 2 weeks of preparation. Of course, the fact that all but 13 pages of it is old material and is only evidence to buttress the position of the new 13 pages seems to garner a sympathetic ear from a judge who received the same info, but, failed to read any of it in advance. This, of course, is due to a county that is broke and cannot afford to add another judge to an overworked, overloaded, understaffed, and overwhelming amount of cases backed up in the system.

I am normally an upbeat person. I still think I am going to prevail. My worry, though, is that my remaining plaintiff partners are becoming as disgusted as I am and are considering, like me, to quit this whole exercise which means, ultimately, we lose and are back to square one. It just isn't right.

Jukebox: That's what I want

That's a lot of clams

The astute reader will notice the countdown clock to the right rapidly approaching the end of it's cycle as we come upon the day of reckoning for the idiot developer. Today is a milestone as we are now owed a total of over one quarter of a million dollars!

I am currently reviewing and preparing to sign an affadavit attesting to some pertaining facts to be brought up at our hearing on Friday. The details of the affadavit are tedious, but, the purpose is not. My fellow plaintiffs and I are legally owed some money. Will we ever see all of it? Probably not. Will we see some? I think so and that is the purpose of this important hearing. Unfortunately, our legal system has become so twisted and bogged down that a simple procedural hearing becomes so vast and complicated that, ultimately, no one ever prevails. What good is a multi- million dollar judgment against a tobacco company or auto manufacturer if you will never collect it? The same can be said for this case except the majority of the present award is tied up in property. I don't care about property. I want cash. And that is what Friday is about.

I have been disappointed, oh, so many times before in this case. Honestly, I have no expectations over this hearing, either. If I never see a cent of this judgment is really of no consequence to me. Wrongdoing was adjudicated and determined to have been damaging. Lies were committed and exposed. And someone has been formally and legally held responsible. And, for me, that is good enough.

My simple government policy in 2 words

I note the continuing need to make government more efficient and more responsible to the citizenry. I think I have found a simple way that would do both, plus as an added bonus, perhaps, make our mail-in election process a bit more honest. And all of it costs nothing. The process is simple.

I went to the mailbox over the weekend and noted that there was a jury summons from my local county addressed to Kfred Jr. 2. Of course, Kfred Jr. 2 is serving his country overseas and will be doing so for the next 30 months or so. As a result, I am sure his employer will probably not be willing to have him come home for a week in order to phone in by 7:30 to determine if he is available to sit in on a dogbite case to be heard by a jury. More ridiculously, this was the second jury summons he has received in over a year. He wasn't available then and he isn't available now! This incident is on top of the repeated vote by mail ballots we continuously receive addressed to Kfred Jr. 1 during each election season. He (and we) have each called the county elections office twice to notify them that Kfred Jr. 1 is no longer a resident of the county or, for that matter, of the state. Doesn't matter. They just keep coming. Now we throw them out and pay no attention to them, but, this is how voter fraud is perpetuated.

Wouldn't it seem during this current political climate, with all of the rhetoric and hot air on both sides, that someone would extol the simple practice to make government more efficient? The practice and my policy? It's called "paying attention."

Jukebox: Like the man says, "There's only one way to get something done"

Hey, I paid to let you know that

I note that Facebook is now testing an option where a person can promote their posts by paying a fee that moves your post up the newsfeeds of friends wall.

As one facebook user noted, "It would probably be useful for politicians, business owners, and narcissists, but useless for everyone else". Or, put another way: Still, nobody cares.

Jukebox: I even lost my last quarter