Jukebox: Gummo, pay attention to the rolling out of the car part

Let's go over our coverage

Now that the elections are over, we have had a bit of time to do some post event analysis to further sharpen our skills for the future. Well within our acceptable 50% margin of error, our pre-election analysis was found to be prescient, pompous, and prattle-like.

Initially disappointed with this type of evaluation, I now realize this characterization actually very reflective of our population and their beliefs:

Dickie the Peap WAS for Romney; one's got to protect that small fortune that he has squirreled away over the years, though, he seems to recently begin switching his political allegiance to Donald Trump, if for nothing else, the fact that they share the same hair style.

Gummo, the Balloon Boy, did support a fringe candidate but has now shifted his attention to ensuring that the upcoming Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade does include a balloon entry of the Toddlers and Tiaras reality show star Honey-Boo-Boo. So much for political activism.

The Green Comic will simply update some old political jokes originally told by Robin Williams from the 80's and present them as his own.

Rat Bastard G DOES not know what is going on and, as of late yesterday morning, was still awaiting election results.

Our methodology, thoroughness, and ability to sample the part of the population normally overlooked by traditional pollsters, appears to be a winning formula when the need for relevance is considered in election polling. Either that, or someone trying to avoid the support of the tin foil hat brigade would be well served to heed our results.

My turn on the soapbox

Well, it's finally here. The nearly 3 year old effort to replace (or retain) the office of the Presidency draws to a close today. And it can't come soon enough.

I don't understand the need for anyone to be in constant campaign mode, but, that is exactly what our electoral process has become. Every decision, every comment, every action appears to be committed with the intent to only result in re-election the next time around. Forget about solving today's problems. Just do something that helps the candidate the next time around. In the meantime, the world is going to hell. Of course, we, the little people, are also responsible. We vote only for our own self interest and figure "to hell with the next generation". I want "mine" now and , by God, I am going to get it.

I notice I have become more tolerant as I age. By "tolerant", I don't mean in the politically Liberal sense of the word. I mean, that quite honestly, some things are not meant to be addressed by the government and they should just butt out. You want to marry someone of the same sex? Have at it. I don't buy the argument that it will lead down the slippery slope of allowing someone to someday marry their cocker spaniel and that would be acceptable. That person would still be considered a freak. We seem to have plenty of freaks as it is. Legalize all drug use? No way. But, the War on Drugs has been nothing but a complete failure and we have spent a ton of money fighting it. Legalize pot and tax the hell out of it. Seems like a simple concept. So are you a Democrat? A Republican? I think they are 2 sides of the same coin and it's getting tiresome. Until we demand accountability, we are going to get mediocrity.

It's the American way.

Did you hear that?

Not once, but twice, this past weekend, I had the distinct pleasure of being roused out of sleep by the incessant, piercing, shriek of the rogue smoke alarms here at the FTI Executive quarters. As opposed to this incident from a few years ago, I instead was treated to the full-on, full-throated, warning capabilities of the Firex model i4618 and pronounce it to be worthy of all advantages it's manufacturer claims it has. After all, there is nothing like getting up in the middle of the night to a high pitched squeal, half asleep, bumbling around desperately trying to figure out how to deal with the incident while simultaneously being enthusiastically exorted by Mrs. Kfred to "shut those goddamn things off!". Thank you, dear. I'll get right on it.

Subsequent investigation determined one of the models to be non-functioning and apparently the cause of the problem. I don't quite understand why all of the models are inter-wired to each other resulting in all of them shrieking at the same time, but, hey, I am not that smart. I got to the manufacturer's website and noted that they have a 5 year warranty and to return for a complete replacement. Out in the mail it goes today. I attached a note asking if they could change the warning tune to Brahm's Lullaby.

It makes it easier to sleep.

Jukebox: At the Pinnacle

Our data indicates....

Noting the extreme closeness of the Presidential race, the suggestion for conducting some type of polling was raised during our weekly staff meeting this past Monday. Various polls indicate an extremely close race between both candidates with each identified as the front-runner. Our commitment here at FTI to policy analysis and event commentary while simultaneously offering accuracy, fairness, and timely delivery of issues that mean the most to our 2 faithful readers dictated some type of random political work on our behalf.

Realizing that sending the Misfits to canvassing our immediate area around the compound would result in jamming the phone lines at our local mental health center, I decided to simply conduct an internal poll here at FTI. And the results were, uh surprising. Devising the simply scientific question of, "To hell with everyone else, whom of the active presidential candidates will benefit you the most, and why?" The results are stunning:

Dickie the Peap:"That's easy. Romney. He's for us rich guys."

Gummo, the Balloon Boy: "Levon. He sells cartoon balloon's all day" (EDITOR'S NOTE: Our pollsters were confused by this answer . We had no idea what this is about. Deep research later concluded this answer is in reference to the lyrics of a 40 year old Elton John song, "Levon")

The Green Comic: "Huh? Oh I get it now. I didn't understand why all of the guys I steal material from were riffing on the President."

Rat Bastard G: "Obama. He and I both don't know what we are going to do for the next 4 years, so, I figure, what the hell.
Hey, you wanna see my scar?"

Our poll was conducted with an established error ratio of 50/50 of troubled individuals contacted during the period of October 22nd to 23rd. We feel certain these results will only add to the uncertainty already associated with this race.

Jukebox: A different (better) version of an Oldie

Hey, I am having a little dinner party. You want to come over?

HOLLAND TOWNSHIP, Mich.-Authorities say a blaze that displaced dozens of people from a southwest Michigan apartment complex may have been sparked by a resident trying to cook a squirrel with a propane torch.

Fire Chief Jim Kohsel said that the resident apparently planned to eat the animal and was burning off its fur on a third-floor deck at the building in Ottawa County's Holland Township when the fire broke out Wednesday. Flames spread to the roof. Kohsel said eight apartments were destroyed and others damaged. No residents were injured though one firefighter suffered a broken toe.

Residents were later able to return to their homes and enjoy flaming Spanish coffee's for dessert, however.

Justice Delayed is Justice denied

Once again, I simply cannot understand the depths at which our justice system will afford any and every opportunity to a wrong-doer a chance to avoid judgment. Case in point? My experience yesterday.

Having been scheduled to hear our case for determing an increase in the amount of bond needed to secure our judgment in my onling legal battle, the Idiot judgment debtor's attorney suddenly claiming that over 80 pages of documents received in the last 36 hours, she simply didn't have time to adequately prepare and so requests another 2 weeks of preparation. Of course, the fact that all but 13 pages of it is old material and is only evidence to buttress the position of the new 13 pages seems to garner a sympathetic ear from a judge who received the same info, but, failed to read any of it in advance. This, of course, is due to a county that is broke and cannot afford to add another judge to an overworked, overloaded, understaffed, and overwhelming amount of cases backed up in the system.

I am normally an upbeat person. I still think I am going to prevail. My worry, though, is that my remaining plaintiff partners are becoming as disgusted as I am and are considering, like me, to quit this whole exercise which means, ultimately, we lose and are back to square one. It just isn't right.

Jukebox: That's what I want

That's a lot of clams

The astute reader will notice the countdown clock to the right rapidly approaching the end of it's cycle as we come upon the day of reckoning for the idiot developer. Today is a milestone as we are now owed a total of over one quarter of a million dollars!

I am currently reviewing and preparing to sign an affadavit attesting to some pertaining facts to be brought up at our hearing on Friday. The details of the affadavit are tedious, but, the purpose is not. My fellow plaintiffs and I are legally owed some money. Will we ever see all of it? Probably not. Will we see some? I think so and that is the purpose of this important hearing. Unfortunately, our legal system has become so twisted and bogged down that a simple procedural hearing becomes so vast and complicated that, ultimately, no one ever prevails. What good is a multi- million dollar judgment against a tobacco company or auto manufacturer if you will never collect it? The same can be said for this case except the majority of the present award is tied up in property. I don't care about property. I want cash. And that is what Friday is about.

I have been disappointed, oh, so many times before in this case. Honestly, I have no expectations over this hearing, either. If I never see a cent of this judgment is really of no consequence to me. Wrongdoing was adjudicated and determined to have been damaging. Lies were committed and exposed. And someone has been formally and legally held responsible. And, for me, that is good enough.

My simple government policy in 2 words

I note the continuing need to make government more efficient and more responsible to the citizenry. I think I have found a simple way that would do both, plus as an added bonus, perhaps, make our mail-in election process a bit more honest. And all of it costs nothing. The process is simple.

I went to the mailbox over the weekend and noted that there was a jury summons from my local county addressed to Kfred Jr. 2. Of course, Kfred Jr. 2 is serving his country overseas and will be doing so for the next 30 months or so. As a result, I am sure his employer will probably not be willing to have him come home for a week in order to phone in by 7:30 to determine if he is available to sit in on a dogbite case to be heard by a jury. More ridiculously, this was the second jury summons he has received in over a year. He wasn't available then and he isn't available now! This incident is on top of the repeated vote by mail ballots we continuously receive addressed to Kfred Jr. 1 during each election season. He (and we) have each called the county elections office twice to notify them that Kfred Jr. 1 is no longer a resident of the county or, for that matter, of the state. Doesn't matter. They just keep coming. Now we throw them out and pay no attention to them, but, this is how voter fraud is perpetuated.

Wouldn't it seem during this current political climate, with all of the rhetoric and hot air on both sides, that someone would extol the simple practice to make government more efficient? The practice and my policy? It's called "paying attention."

Jukebox: Like the man says, "There's only one way to get something done"

Hey, I paid to let you know that

I note that Facebook is now testing an option where a person can promote their posts by paying a fee that moves your post up the newsfeeds of friends wall.

As one facebook user noted, "It would probably be useful for politicians, business owners, and narcissists, but useless for everyone else". Or, put another way: Still, nobody cares.

Jukebox: I even lost my last quarter

I'll give you a piece of the good Neighbor

I recently signed up for an account under my alter ego with Linkedin, the social media site for working professionals. Its kind of a Facebook for working people. No, you don't use it to let your friends know you are having "4th meal" at Taco Bell at 1 in the morning. (On an unrelated topic, isn't it amazing that marketers have figured out a way to describe the appearance of food during a massive drunk as "4th meal" with attractive smiling people sitting around at a party as opposed to half passed-out, cigarettes hanging out of their mouths, obnoxious drunks with too loud of music in the background, slobbering over a bunch of cold tacos? Alas, I digress.) It's more of a place where you can network with other people in your trade or outside of your trade as well. You put up a personal profile of your work experience which is available for others to see. It also is a place where job recruiters search for candidates for various jobs.

Anyways, my organizational and management skills have recently drawn the attention of the good folks of both State Farm and Bankers Life and Casualty Insurance Companies as candidates for their management programs. Now, they really don't go into detail about which skills they covet so much as an employer. State Farm was impressed because of my "initiative and relationship-building skills" that I demonstrated in my past experiences. Bankers, on the other hand, felt I "had the right mix of skills for a career as an Independent Insurance Sales Agent". I took both of these complements along with the countless thanks-but-no-thanks rejection letters over the years from employers whom always laud my "background and impressive experience, but we have decided to pursue other candidates" when searching for work and put them neatly in the garbage file. They all are meaningless. Hey guys, here's a hint: You can at least expend the energy to halfway personalize your message to me so I don't think it's a robot trolling through profiles for candidates for your half baked job. I don't need another half-baked job. My Executive Director position here more than meets my career goals.

Tempis Fugit

With the impending arrival of fall, I spent yesterday performing the "get-ready-for-change-of-season" duties: Clean gutters? Done. Put away the lawn furniture? Uh-huh. Trim the overgrowth on some of the plants and bushes? Yep. Hydrate with some beer in the meantime? Well, of course. Remove some stubborn moss from the rooftop? Finally, but it's done. Edge around the perimeter of the lawn after avoiding it all summer long? Oh yeah. Repeat beer ritual? It goes without saying. Turn and re-stack the growing pile of brush and debris that will be ignited once the open burning ban is lifted? Oh, boy , I can't wait for that one (and it's gonna be a whopper)!

Funny. I don't know where summer went. I just unpacked my summer sandals last week.

Jukebox: Keep on truckin'

Fiction? Truth? These are both real.

CARSON CITY, NEVADA-A quiet recluse who died with $200 in his bank account surprised Carson City, Nev. officials when they were inspecting his run-of-the mill home to put it up for sale.

Inside Walter Samaszko Jr.'s 1,200-square-foot house, officials found stashes of gold coins and bullion. $7 million worth of it.

"You never anticipate running into anything like this," Carson City Clerk-Recorder Alan Glover said. "This guy was everybody's next-door neighbor."

Glover told the Tahoe Daily Tribune that several boxes of coins were found all neatly wrapped in aluminum foil in Samaszko's garage.

He had so much gold it took two trips on wheelbarrows to haul it out, the Daily Tribune reported. Officials also searched crawl spaces and used a metal detector in his yard to ensure they found all the gold, according to the Daily Tribune.

"He was a hoarder — there was everything inside that home you could think of," Glover told the L.A. Times. "The workers found a crawl space from the garage. That led to everything else."

Oddly, in an eerily similar incident, Dickey the Peap was observed emerging from a small, well camouflaged, hollowed-out stump in his own backyard yesterday. Immediately realizing, he had been observed, the short armed one yelled, "Get the hell out of here! I am just checking for termites."

Jukebox: Hey, it's still summer!