It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Hardly a historical uprising

Like the recent events in Egypt, I was alerted to some continuing noise and clatter outside the Executive Living Quarters here at FTI yesterday. Sending my staff trustee (and  assistant executive director), Giacommo, out to investigate he found Gummo, the Balloon Boy, Dickey the Peap, the Green Comic, Rat Bastard G, Mr. X (and his toadish tag-along, Friend of Mr.X) milling about the compound square mumbling something about change and threatening to disrupt the calm we enjoy.  In an apparent attempt to conceal their true identities for fear of reprisal, the group of dimwits decided to exchange clothes with one another so as not to be recognized.  So, seeing the Green Comic holding a collection of Balloons, the Rat Bastard holding the Friend of Mr. X's hand, and Dickey the Peap holding on to a nickel (somethings don't ever change), I was hardly unaware of whom was involved in the whole matter.  Fortunately, calmer heads prevailed with Giacomo's negotiated offer of settlement: a bowl of 3 day old popcorn and a mug of Ovaltine for each. 

Give Peace a chance. 

Jukebox: Dedicated to Mr. X

I'm thinking of a number

I thought that the continuing  cockeyed investment saga of Mr. X was over with the recent postings of ineptness.  Instead , the story gets better. 

Mr. X called me yesterday excited about his latest venture.  Having earlier in the week fleeced a senior citizen out of a couple of hundred bucks in exchange for some manual labor around the old geezer's home, X is now setting his sites on cornering the market of ESP by investing in a company known as Jedi Mind (To our 2 faithful readers:  truly,  I can't make this stuff up.)  Once again, extensive analysis, raging greed, and blind unawareness,  has led X to a stock of a company that develops software for thought-controlled technologies, allowing the user to interact with the computer and other machines through the power of the mind.   TRANSLATION:  Give us your money, you will never see it again.  Having now taken a position on  60,000 shares, I mentioned to X that I would think that he would now be a member of the Board of Directors or at least part of the Executive team.  X replied that since share were only worth .01 cents each (that's right, one penny!) his $600  stake probably wasn't going to sway many decisions made by the company. 

Now I, for one, hope that X hits it big with this one.  I don't know, though. Apparently he missed this warning sign.  Regardless, all of this has cemented my choice for tomorrow's Jukebox selection.  I encourage you 2 faithful readers to return tomorrow and realize the connection.   

A not so super Super Bowl

Is it me or were all of the commercials during the Super Bowl yesterday, lame? 

And the movie trailers?  Daniel Craig in Cowboys and Aliens!?

If I didn't know better, I would suspect that a number of these ad agency types were alumni of FTI. Their work certainly resembled it.     

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.
Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on by some snotty 6 year old kid. But, go ahead: take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking. Like most places, our admonishments are the same: "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Jukebox: The CRAP vehicle is something like this

Gee. this is roomy

I am off to the car dealership today to deal with a recently discovered problem with our year old FTI Central Research, Analysis, and Policy (CRAP) Vehicle. Routine maintenance performed by an outside competent mechanic discovered a problem that our members of the FTI motor pool team failed to recognize:  a potential failure that could incur the total replacement of the transmission.   This on a vehicle that is just 13 months old!

My problem is not with the vehicle itself, but, rather the dealership's reluctance to accept the vehicle into the shop. Oh, they have no problem doing the work; it is just that they requested I bring it in under cover of total darkness.  Apparently our FTI logo emblazoned on the side was the source of  worry and ridicule by some employees and adjoining businesses.  (Obviously, our work is known region wide.)  Regardless, I have to bring the vehicle in before sunrise in order to get the necessary work done.

For my efforts, however, I did extract one concession from the dealer:  they will give me a loaner vehicle while mine is being repaired.  Apparently it is some type of trade they just took in.  Clean, Well-maintained.  Low miles.  Room for 12.  The prior owner:  Ringling Brothers.

When Mr. X says "buy", be sure you sell

Having thought that we had earlier fully covered the ineptness and foibles of Mr. X's stock picking abilities, I was under the impression that  under no circumstances would it ever become an issue again.   Unbeknownst to me, it turns out that X had solicited the FTI  charitable arm division  in the hopes of guiding the Institutes's portfolio. As our charitable arm division is  a separate division that is unrelated to our work at this site, they were unfamiliar with X and his epic history of failure in regards to picking successful investments.  Case in point:  his latest wealth building choice.

Known for his diligent research, keen insights, and savvy insider abilities, X's latest choice of maddening riches beyond his wildest dreams was a small medical devices firm.   Relying on multiple sources including the firm's own web page, Mr. X ignored statements including the words "troubled firm", "debt-laden", and "highly doubtful this shit can work".  Of course, the statement  in the "Careers with Us" soliciting candidates for a person whose duties included, "turning off the lights after we fold like a cheap suitcase" didn't seem to register as a warning, either.  Regardless, X bought a substantial position in the company early  in the morning only to  discover the firm had filed bankruptcy by noon.  Sorry Charlie.  Ala-hoo-ay-a-zer.     

Fortunately, our charitable arm here at FTI was wise enough to evaluate Mr. X's promises and statements by processing them through the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe via a reciprocal agreement we have with one another.   Realizing that an alliance with X would not be profitable and also a source of shame and embarrassment, they politely declined his offer.  We wish Mr. X a speedy recovery from the financial shellacking he seems to be suffering lately.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then. 

Offensive? Maybe. Funny? Definitely.

With credit to Marv the Neighbor


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

Jukebox: And I think I am Falling

Stay with it; You can do it!

A bit of odd recognition surrounds our activities here at FTI and I am torn whether to celebrate or be despondent. 

An unsolicited phone call was received here at FTI by someone purporting to be part of a contest  derived from the "Biggest Loser" TV show.  I thought that my continuing workout sessions on the Christmas Wii present must have drawn some attention to my dedication and steadfastness to drop a few pounds.   Immediately, however, I realized that my 15 lb. weight loss goal, though memorable, is not exceptionally meaningful to the producers of a show that profiles people losing upward of 150 lbs. of weight.  As I asked a few more questions, this individual started to explain that No, they weren't looking to profile people whom had lost weight.  They were looking for Losers.  Actual Losers.    Somehow, they had gotten our number and wanted to profile a couple of our members.

The Rat Bastard G begins filming next week. 

Advice for the Forelorn

  
Much like Dear Abby in the local newspaper, our new "Dear Kfred" initiative here at FTI is increasingly becoming a popular feature of the work we perform here for the community.  Here is an actual letter:

Dear Kfred: 

My husband (I'll call him "El-Cheapo") told me today that he didn't get me anything for my birthday because everything was too expensive.  What should I do?

Signed, Mrs. Peap El-Cheapo

Dear Mrs. El-Cheapo,

It's ironic that you write in as we had a very similar scenario here at FTI.  One of the Misfits relayed a story to me when he told me he had his feelings hurt while considering a gift for his wife's birthday.  Apparently our Misfit  thought it would be nice to buy his wife a little gift for her birthday and went to a department store. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.


"That's a bit much," he said , so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," he complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said , "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

The clerk handed him a mirror.


Just be thankful he is cheap and doesn't try to squander your life savings on losing stock tips. 

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then. 

Jukebox: How cool is This?

You are eligible for an upgrade

Speaking with  Gummo, the Balloon Boy, yesterday during his daily verbal therapy, we discussed a range of topics:   needless insignificant trivia,  the recent passing of Don Kershner (let's see how many of our 2 faithful readers know that name!), the legalities of driving while talking  on a cell phone, etc.   The cell phone issue  is a hot topic  as the Latex Kid recently got a new smart phone and is utterly baffled by it's operation.  Wishing to revert to the simpler model he had been using so successfully earlier, he has scoured all of the phone stores to locate a model with no luck.  Technology has simply passed the point from which his old one operated.  Yes, I understand the new phones are a bit more complicated.  Yes, I know that they have a shorter battery life, but honestly, walking around with the backpack model that looked like the one used from the radioman of the old 60's Rat Patrol TV series  probably would interfere with most daily activities.     

Never the less, as a service to a friend in need, I am posting a picture of the preferred model of choice.  I urge both of our faithful readers to scour their attics, basements, and dead  grandfathers WWII belongings to see if they  have a comparable model.  If so, please contact us here at FTI for placement to a grateful individual.  It would mean so much.   

The official travel partner of FTI

Already thinking ahead and trying to plan to the best of my abilities, I scored a minor victory yesterday  that makes me a bit happy. 

Kfred Jr. 2 begins his 5 year journey with the US Army as a 2nd lieutenant upon graduation this spring.  Obviously, graduation is a big deal with all of the related events and hoopla.  We've known about the date for around 6 months but I never got around to buying some airline tickets.  2 weeks ago, a window of opportunity opened in which I could buy round trip tickets from the FTI base here on the West Coast direct to Newark nonstop for $279 per person.  That's a bargain!  Unfortunately, the window slammed shut by the time I sauntered up to the electronic ticket window a day later and suddenly prices had leapt to $386 each.  Immediately reverting to the type of behavior I have observed in Dickie the Peap, I started forming a plan to whine, moan, complain, browbeat, and badger to the best of my abilities, anyone on the end of the phone line into giving me the previous price.  Obvious, my skills are not as highly refined as his as I got nowhere fast.  Realizing that competition in the airline industry is cut-throat and ongoing, I figured if I waited  and kept checking the website, I would score a deal.  Yesterday, I check in for my daily ritual, note that the price has dropped $135 per ticket, reserved 2 of them, and walked away with the exact seats I had wished for 2 weeks ago and  an extra 270  bones in my pocket to blow in New York City in the springtime.  Badda-bing, Badda-boom.   

The website I used? Why, it's the one that Dickie frequents whenever he travels: CheapoAir. (this site is so cheap that their website is down as I am writing this post. I sure hope they get me the airline tickets.)

It doesn't take much to help

Because we normally have our hands full here, at FTI we try to stay away from any meaningful social policy that would be of note. NO, we are not trying to be lazy, but again, herding the Misfits on a daily basis is enough. A man has his limits. I did become involved with one organization recently, though, that is kind of fun and different.

Kfred Jr. 2 and his wife, Golidlocks gave me a present for Christmas that I activated yesterday and I am glad they did. I received a donation/giftcard in my name to an organization known as Kiva. Simply, from their own website, Kiva's mission is to connect people, through lending, for the sake of alleviating poverty.   Currently, I am a lending partner to a man in Uganda who is running a small market to sell fruits and vegetables in his village.  His total request was for $900.  16 other lenders read his story and decided to help him in his enterprise and loaned him various amounts totaling the $900 to get him started.  He has approximately 18 months to pay back the loan at which time I can then turn around and loan it to someone else.   The beauty of  the project is that the small donation I make is basically nothing to me, but, is a ransom to someone in a poor country trying to survive.  I feel good about helping someone else while knowing that somewhere on the other side of the world, someone, regardless of race, color, or religion is being assisted to get out of poverty.  I think it's great. 

Now, I have go work on my business plan that I am about to submit to Kiva.   I would think that  the FTI story would generate a ton of donations; if for nothing else, simply out of a sense of pity. 

 

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.

Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on  by some snotty 6 year old kid.  But, go ahead:  take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking.  Like most places, our admonishments are the same:  "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.