Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
it's Sunday Brunch
Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.
Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on by some snotty 6 year old kid. But, go ahead: take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking. Like most places, our admonishments are the same: "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".
Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on by some snotty 6 year old kid. But, go ahead: take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking. Like most places, our admonishments are the same: "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Not a Creature Was Stirring
As we increasingly receive fewer and fewer Christmas cards from friends, acquaintances, and state regulatory agencies each year, I have chalked it up to the fact that times have changed. Technology in the form of email, video chat, almost free cellular time, Twitter, and the like have allowed people to become in constant communication with each other across the globe.
As this is only our second year in existence here at the Institute, I thought perhaps we should reach out and attempt to send a meaningful message to our constituents via a classy, thoughtful type of greeting and assigned my normally reliable and dependable Trusty/Asst. Executive Director, Giacommo, to fulfill the task. I left it up to him to find the appropriate artwork and suggested that the message we wished to convey was that even though times are tough, the Christmas Spirit was certainly not dead and we wished all of our recipients Happy Holidays. Somewhere in our communication of my intent, a short circuit occurred and my here-to-fore Golden Boy thought I said that the Christmas Spirit was dead and to wish everyone Happy Holidays. Imagine my shock and surprise when I found a couple of leftover unaddressed cards pictured above in the FTI Mail Center. Inside, the verse of "No Matter how hard times get, the freezer is full of venison; Wishing You the Warmest of Christmas Wishes, Your Friends at FTI."
Giacommo is currently on loan to the people over at Hallmark.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Edukation at it's finest
I note that spell check is now going to be allowed for public school students in the state of Oregon in order to complete the mandated writing tests as required by the state. Obviously, there is controversy on both sides of the issue as one side is saying that spelling shouldn’t be used as the measuring stick to determine a student’s ability to write. The other side is saying that allowing this tool will not increase the competiveness of the student as they get older and start to compete for jobs in the adult world and have to submit written reports, logs, or other bits of information in relation to their employment.
Fortunately our cheap-assed Board of Directors recognized this threat early on and provided me with a tool to combat this prevalent problem: a dictionary. I just need them now to get me some type of tool to detect and eliminate the possibility of having too many Misfits associated with us at any one time. I’m thinking an oversized butterfly net.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The Wheels of Justice Turn, Oh, So Slowly
Two continuing legal obligations have taken up much of my time as Executive Director here at FTI, and as a result, I have been remiss in reciting the daily points of idiocy that I am in charge of to this point. At the end of yesterday, a new page has been turned in the chapter of the continuing FTI novel and we can now move on. The FTI legal defense team has done an outstanding job in parrying with our legal opponents and I commend them for a job well done. One of the cases involved actual direct testimony from me on the behalf of one of our team members, so, I was actually involved with determining the victorious outcome. I will relay that experience here today and discuss the other case in an upcoming posting.
I accompanied our resident thrift-miser, Dickey the Peap, to court yesterday to act as a character witness in his defense over a small traffic infraction. Dickey's personal vehicle had been involved in a red light running incident which resulted in a photo ticket mailed to his house as the owner of the vehicle caught on camera. The law in our jurisdiction assumes that since it's your car, it must be you driving it. Of all of the Peap-ed one's various character traits (frugal, cheap, closefisted, miserly, parsimonious, penny-pinching, penurious, pinching, spare, stinting, tight, tightfisted, etc), he is not dishonest. Dickey had not driven the car in question and was, in fact, not the person responsible. He requested his day in court to present his case. In formulating his defense earlier, the scrimping one had planned to plead an ignorance defense. (EDITORS NOTE: This type of defense was actually written for our membership and has been apparently exploited for a number of years based on the action of these nitwits in the past.) With the assistance of the results that had been independently confirmed by the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe, (which were accepted by the court) and my expert witness credibility, the charge was overturned and the penalty vacated.
The Perry Mason moment of the whole incident: The prosecution's entire case revolved around the alleged infraction occurring at an intersection of a downtown corner where the bank is located with limited parking. The judge rightly realized after my testimony that the Peap-ed one could not have possible been driving the vehicle in question to the bank. The bank won't validate for free parking.
I accompanied our resident thrift-miser, Dickey the Peap, to court yesterday to act as a character witness in his defense over a small traffic infraction. Dickey's personal vehicle had been involved in a red light running incident which resulted in a photo ticket mailed to his house as the owner of the vehicle caught on camera. The law in our jurisdiction assumes that since it's your car, it must be you driving it. Of all of the Peap-ed one's various character traits (frugal, cheap, closefisted, miserly, parsimonious, penny-pinching, penurious, pinching, spare, stinting, tight, tightfisted, etc), he is not dishonest. Dickey had not driven the car in question and was, in fact, not the person responsible. He requested his day in court to present his case. In formulating his defense earlier, the scrimping one had planned to plead an ignorance defense. (EDITORS NOTE: This type of defense was actually written for our membership and has been apparently exploited for a number of years based on the action of these nitwits in the past.) With the assistance of the results that had been independently confirmed by the Factorcrap Truthometer Deluxe, (which were accepted by the court) and my expert witness credibility, the charge was overturned and the penalty vacated.
The Perry Mason moment of the whole incident: The prosecution's entire case revolved around the alleged infraction occurring at an intersection of a downtown corner where the bank is located with limited parking. The judge rightly realized after my testimony that the Peap-ed one could not have possible been driving the vehicle in question to the bank. The bank won't validate for free parking.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
It's Sunday Brunch
Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.
Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on by some snotty 6 year old kid. But, go ahead: take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking. Like most places, our admonishments are the same: "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".
Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on by some snotty 6 year old kid. But, go ahead: take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking. Like most places, our admonishments are the same: "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".
Saturday, December 11, 2010
A Little Holiday Humor
A full-on acknowledgment to the Green Comic for this one. His act is so erratic as most of the time his stuff is moronic and then, every once in a while, he hits it out of the park. Anyways, it's a pretty good gag:
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Scotland reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Scotland reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'
The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'
Friday, December 10, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
You' ll Leave Today Feeling Empowered to Succeed!
In order to sharpen my skills, leadership abilities, and over all effectiveness here at FTI, I periodically engage in refresher courses of various subject to increase my worth and value as an Executive Director. I am currently engaged in a 2 day seminar entitled, "Racing for Mediocrity: the Quest for Survival in a Cruel World", and subtitled, "How to Make the Most with the Idiots That Surround You".
If I do say so myself, I seem to be a leader in the class at this time. I have repeatedly had the right answers, relayed the most helpful experiences, and throughly impressed the facilitator of the course. After yesterday's first session, he pulled me aside to congratulate me and compliment me on how impressed he was with my participation. We started talking about my actual experience and background. After explaining my circumstances and describing how the Misfits think and act, I have been granted a waiver of the enrollment fee and have actually been asked to conduct a seminar on his behalf in the future. The reason for asking me to do so? I obviously have greater expertise in this area than the moderator when attempting to "Making the Most with the Idiots That Surround You. "
If I do say so myself, I seem to be a leader in the class at this time. I have repeatedly had the right answers, relayed the most helpful experiences, and throughly impressed the facilitator of the course. After yesterday's first session, he pulled me aside to congratulate me and compliment me on how impressed he was with my participation. We started talking about my actual experience and background. After explaining my circumstances and describing how the Misfits think and act, I have been granted a waiver of the enrollment fee and have actually been asked to conduct a seminar on his behalf in the future. The reason for asking me to do so? I obviously have greater expertise in this area than the moderator when attempting to "Making the Most with the Idiots That Surround You. "
Monday, December 6, 2010
You guys sound just like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
As mentioned last week, I have begun to assemble the FTI Doofus Squad in the hopes of creating some type of choir that could entertain people over the holidays. Knowing that most groups can sing the simple standard Christmas songs, I thought it might be a good idea to tackle some of the more complex Christmas hymns as a display of our progress in developing our advanced behavioral programs. Apparently, that idea was not exactly original as some other competitive group of deep thinkers has beaten us to it and posted their highly impressive results on Youtube.
It's not easy to perform before a large group in a spontaneous setting. It's also not easy to to have memorable results when the majority of your choir's singing ability is equal to that of Peter Boyle's speaking parts in the Young Frankenstein movie, either. After listening to our attempts to be like the above featured group, I realize that perhaps we need to try something less challenging. We're working on "Up On the Housetop" currently, but, are having some difficulties with it as well. The Misfits have mastered the "Ho, Ho, Ho" part. It's the rest of it that's hard.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
It's Sunday Brunch
Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.
Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on by some snotty 6 year old kid. But, go ahead: take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking. Like most places, our admonishments are the same: "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".
The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.
Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on by some snotty 6 year old kid. But, go ahead: take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking. Like most places, our admonishments are the same: "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".
The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
I got your weather for ya right here
Is there any other possible comment for winter conditions than this?
Friday, December 3, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Hey, that's Odd
Some uncharacteristic events have been affecting us here at FTI. 2 events of noteworthiness include:
- the repeated false alarm/failure signal coming from the FTI wastewater treatment facility. Normally transformed into our holiday wonderland and short track speed skating course during the wintertime, the wastewater treatment facility has recently been plagued by the damn alarm that keeps intermittently emitting a shrieking sound to signal a failed pump. I trundle my ass out there, check to make sure that all is OK with the water levels (they're fine), reset the float, and think all is well. 6 hours later it starts all over again. It really is nothing serious, but I am going to have to do something as the sound is definitely irritating, especially for fans of Gummo the Balloon Boy, as he races for the finish line coming out of the turn over in corner 3.
- the breakdown of the 42" FTI plasma TV/entertainment system. I don't watch a whole lot of TV. The unit itself is barely 4 years old. Suddenly last night, Mrs. Kfred attempts to turn the unit on to monitor the questions on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader? in hopes that perhaps the Misfits might have met a competitive level for us to be proud about (to this point, they haven't), and the damn TV doesn't work. Mustering my deep electronic knowledge, I stand in front of the TV and turn the power switch on and off a couple of times. Nothing. I then search the FTI resource library to find every owners manual of anything we have ever bought: Electric pencil sharpener, 17 year old clock radio, 2 models ago toaster, current refrigerator, hair curling iron (really, Dear? The owners manual for a hair curling iron. What the hell are we keeping this for!?) Finally finding the manual for the TV, I find the troubleshooting index and do everything I am supposed to. Same result. My fear is that the repair will be equal to the cost of a new TV. Of course, the fact that what I paid over $2000 4 years ago can now be had for $699 brings me about the same amount of pain as I experience when I hear the initial practice sessions of the FTI Holiday Choir (we'll be discussing that in an upcoming post as well). So, a call to the repairman today is in order.
Monday, November 29, 2010
The Season of Joy begins
In anticipation of the upcoming holidays and taking advantage of a break in the weather yesterday, I was able to get outdoors and start the preparation of decorating the Institute with outdoor Christmas lights yesterday. Not wanting to repeat the fiasco we experienced last year when I instructed Gummo the Balloon Boy to decorate, I took it upon myself to plan the layout and put everything together. And, if I do say so myself, it came out pretty well. I have to do some upper second story work next weekend as the light faded before I finished, but, that's OK. I'm not ready to turn them on this early anyway. Regardless, it is a scene reminiscent of any holiday postcard.
Now, if I can just get the Misfits to start behaving, we should be able to capture that special Kodak moment and not have something like this.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
It's Sunday Brunch
Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week. We get a day off too, you know. I'm taking the staff out to Brunch. Every time one of the Misfits say, do, or think something stupid, they have to put a dollar in the jar. We call it our Brunch fund. And as far as I can forecast, there's going to be a lot of Sunday meals.
Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on by some snotty 6 year old kid. But, go ahead: take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking. Like most places, our admonishments are the same: "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".
The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.
Just like Sunday Brunch, most of the stuff here is overvalued, pre-cooked, and have already been sneezed on by some snotty 6 year old kid. But, go ahead: take a look here and see if any of these days old items are to your liking. Like most places, our admonishments are the same: "Take as much as you want, read all that you take".
The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Let's get out there and shop
Well, Thanksgiving is over. Now let the real sport begin.
I am off today to begin my Christmas shopping. Mrs.Kfred is out with a friend to go to the various holiday bazaar's for those "special and unique Christmas items.*" While she is determining the next got-to-have- Christmas decoration to be displayed here at the Institute, I am on my own for the personal gifts to find for the family and friends. This is always a struggle as I never quite know what to get for those people on my shopping list; they are such a hard bunch to shop for. Some suggestions: A Kindle reading device, a digital picture frame, a new office chair? All of these are on my research list today.
I shouldn't complain, however. Part of my holiday tasks are quite easy. For instance, shopping for the Misfits is not too difficult. The Green Comic will be satisfied with the signed, yellowing copy of a script of a 1971 episode of the old TV show Hee-Haw; Gummo the Balloon Boy has lately taken an interest in modern art; I found a book on how to make figurines from earwax which should keep him enthralled for days. Of course, following the spirit of giving a gift from the heart and rather than supporting crass commercialism, I made a gift for Dickie the Peap that I know he certainly will treasure: a simple handmade chart detailing profit levels based on a 200% labor rate mark-up for any jobs he does for Friends and Family. After all, if you can't charge friends exorbitant rates, how would you make any money?
In the end, though, it's the thought that counts. Thankfully, I only have to exert a few thoughts for half of my shopping list. I'll let you determine which half.
*gaudy, useless candle holders in the shape of reindeer, etc.
I am off today to begin my Christmas shopping. Mrs.Kfred is out with a friend to go to the various holiday bazaar's for those "special and unique Christmas items.*" While she is determining the next got-to-have- Christmas decoration to be displayed here at the Institute, I am on my own for the personal gifts to find for the family and friends. This is always a struggle as I never quite know what to get for those people on my shopping list; they are such a hard bunch to shop for. Some suggestions: A Kindle reading device, a digital picture frame, a new office chair? All of these are on my research list today.
I shouldn't complain, however. Part of my holiday tasks are quite easy. For instance, shopping for the Misfits is not too difficult. The Green Comic will be satisfied with the signed, yellowing copy of a script of a 1971 episode of the old TV show Hee-Haw; Gummo the Balloon Boy has lately taken an interest in modern art; I found a book on how to make figurines from earwax which should keep him enthralled for days. Of course, following the spirit of giving a gift from the heart and rather than supporting crass commercialism, I made a gift for Dickie the Peap that I know he certainly will treasure: a simple handmade chart detailing profit levels based on a 200% labor rate mark-up for any jobs he does for Friends and Family. After all, if you can't charge friends exorbitant rates, how would you make any money?
In the end, though, it's the thought that counts. Thankfully, I only have to exert a few thoughts for half of my shopping list. I'll let you determine which half.
*gaudy, useless candle holders in the shape of reindeer, etc.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
A pause for thanks 2010
Once again, today is Thanksgiving; my favorite holiday. I have never thought Thanksgiving has received the proper respect; it's more than a bump in the road on the calendar toward Christmas. Everyone is in a hurry on the highway of life, but, Thanksgiving is the "Reduced Speed Ahead" sign that safely brings our life priorities back into focus. Mrs. Kfred and I are having dinner with Marv the Neighbor and his wife as we are childless on this family day. Kfred Jr 1 and his wife, Goldilocks, are going to join us for dinner tomorrow instead as they are returning from visiting her family out of town. Kfred Jr 2, again has too short of a turnaround time to be with us now, but, will be home later at Christmas.
With those ground rules established, let me briefly recite some of the things I am thankful for: First and foremost, I am thankful for my wonderful life partner, best friend, lover, and thought compass for 29 years, Mrs. Kfred. I love you dear. I am thankful for the above mentioned 2 offspring and our newest addition, Goldilocks, She is a wonderful girl. I am thankful for my job within Dilbertland. Like any job, there are things you don't like, but they have been fair to me and have treated me well (I know people whom are suffering with unemployment right now and one truly should be grateful). I am grateful for my siblings: Brother Eddie, Gertie, and Ace. Though separated by many miles, I actually think we are closer than when we were kids living under the same roof. Of course, I am thankful for my friendship with the dimwits that serve as inspirational fodder for subjects posted here on a daily basis: the more than 30 year affiliation with the "Trinity of Idiocy" consisting of Gummo the Balloon Boy, the Green Comic, and Rat Bastard G; that golfing hack, Dickie the Peap; my Assistant Executive Director/Resident Trustee, Giacommo; and the rest. With the antics and ideas that involve you, this is really easy to do on a daily basis. Please, don't stop. And finally, the readers, I thank you. Our 2 faithful readers continue to get in the act and are actually close to becoming part of the story. To the rest of those whom are mistakenly directed to this site when they are searching for something actually meaningful to read, I apologize. You have to admit, though, it is kind of like seeing an accident on the roadside. Admit it: you want to see a body, don't you? Wherever you are, I wish you a great holiday and thank you for your support. I'll be back tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.
My life is truly blessed.
With those ground rules established, let me briefly recite some of the things I am thankful for: First and foremost, I am thankful for my wonderful life partner, best friend, lover, and thought compass for 29 years, Mrs. Kfred. I love you dear. I am thankful for the above mentioned 2 offspring and our newest addition, Goldilocks, She is a wonderful girl. I am thankful for my job within Dilbertland. Like any job, there are things you don't like, but they have been fair to me and have treated me well (I know people whom are suffering with unemployment right now and one truly should be grateful). I am grateful for my siblings: Brother Eddie, Gertie, and Ace. Though separated by many miles, I actually think we are closer than when we were kids living under the same roof. Of course, I am thankful for my friendship with the dimwits that serve as inspirational fodder for subjects posted here on a daily basis: the more than 30 year affiliation with the "Trinity of Idiocy" consisting of Gummo the Balloon Boy, the Green Comic, and Rat Bastard G; that golfing hack, Dickie the Peap; my Assistant Executive Director/Resident Trustee, Giacommo; and the rest. With the antics and ideas that involve you, this is really easy to do on a daily basis. Please, don't stop. And finally, the readers, I thank you. Our 2 faithful readers continue to get in the act and are actually close to becoming part of the story. To the rest of those whom are mistakenly directed to this site when they are searching for something actually meaningful to read, I apologize. You have to admit, though, it is kind of like seeing an accident on the roadside. Admit it: you want to see a body, don't you? Wherever you are, I wish you a great holiday and thank you for your support. I'll be back tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.
My life is truly blessed.
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