Yeah, but who cleans up after the elephants?

Mrs. Kfred and I are preparing to go to a performance of Cirque du Soleil's Kooza under the Bigtop arena with some friends tomorrow evening. We have seen a couple of their other shows previously and never tire of the performances. It truly is a one of a kind type of show. Among the characters in the show are the Trickster, the King, the Pickpocket, and the Bad Dog. Each of these characters are integral to the show and represent individuals that the main character, the Innocent, encounters on his journey to find his place in the world.

In viewing the advance summary on the show, I have come to realize similarities and actual parallels of my life in dealing with the Misfits as to this show itself. Due to the extreme personality profiles of our Misfits, I can envision our own version performed here at the FTI compound without the high ticket prices and certainly just as entertaining. Easily substituting myself as the Innocent, the coincidences are striking: Gummo, the Balloon Boy could effortlessly play the Idiot, Freako Deako portrays the Nut, Dickie the Peap is hands down the Skinflint, and Kommando Barney is easily cast as a body double for Mr. T. My able bodied assistant, Giacommo, would act as Ringmaster, and also perform a small piece by instructing Crazy to climb a set of stairs, climb into a Vanishing Box, and be gone for the entire rest of the show.

The more I think about this, however, I guess it wouldn't be too feasible. The cheap-assed Board of Directors only authorized the purchase of a 2 man puptent.

Jukebox: Thank God for the Pictures

A rich, rewarding experience awaits you

As part of our ongoing commitment to the community, the cheap-assed Board of Directors have instructed me to explore the possibility of having summer interns placed here at the Institute on a temporary, nonpaid (would you expect anything else?) basis. I have been in contact with the local branches of higher education to offer our facility as a site for placement of young people looking to expand their experience in their various fields of study. To date, we have not received any return calls of interest or inquiry.

Upon reflection, I have been informed by my highly educated assistant, Giacommo, that perhaps our site may not be as desirable as some others for the interns we seek. Competing with the likes of local government, industry, and charitable foundations, our lure and prestige as an organization may not be as great. Accordingly, we have decided to "rebrand" our summary description one could expect to experience as an intern. Something about "Summer at FTI: It's like Costa Rica with Weirdos" doesn't seem to be getting it done.

We're not another "one and done" team

Not only am I the Executive Director here at FTI, but, my duties also include doubling as coach of the FTI Knowledge Bowl Team. Each year a competition is held for various organizations and their associated deep thinkers. As this is our first year of competition, and based on our reputation, the FTI team was granted an automatic berth as a demonstration of compassion, charity, and inclusiveness by the organizers of the event. Based on some of the preliminary questions that were suggested for practice, we may be slated for an early exit. My guess: sometime immediately after the first question of "Welcome. Are you all here?"

The competition itself is twofold: a little friendly rivalry between think-based organizations for bragging rights of intelligence superiority and to offer possible solutions to some of the pressing problems of today. The idea is to collect some of the best and brightest, test them on the needs of society at the moment, and hopefully come up with some alternative solutions. Based on our initial answers to the warm-up question, I have instructed my assistant, Giacommo, to keep the engine warm on the FTI van as I don't think the TEAM FTI representatives will be on the winners podium. Here's the question: "In light of the recent ecological disaster occurring in the Gulf area with the out-of-control gushing oil well, in a simple world, how would you deal with this mess?"


Gummo, the Balloon Boy: "Get some Bounty Towels. It's the quicker picker-upper."

Rat Bastard G: "Dump a tanker-load of Dawn Dish detergent into the ocean. It fights grease and oil."

Marv, the Neighbor: "Is it vegetable or peanut oil?"

Dickie the Peap: "Who else can pay for it?"

Kommando Barney: "Oh, I know this one. The Beatles."


I am seriously thinking of entering our guys into the competitive knitting competition sponsored by the Ladies Aid Society at the local church next month. God help those old bats.

It's Bloomsday Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Bloomsday Sunday (look it up) and Gummo the Balloon Boy should be running today. We're out cheering him on.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

................zzzzzzz.......ha-ha.............

This forum is normally one used to relay and re-tell the experiences in my life and the Misfits associated with it. Usually, the Misfits are not cast in a very flattering light as their abilities are, well, less than noteworthy and not eligible to be used as a point of pride. Today, however is different. I experienced something the other night like no other and want to share it.


Among a human's basic needs are sleep, food, and sex. (As I get older, the order of importance changes, but they still remain the same. We can discuss this later. ) Anyways, while enjoying a deep restful night's sleep, I actually awoke literally laughing. You see, in my dream, I was in a hospital room with Gummo, the Balloon Boy. I think I was visiting Gummo as he was in the bed and I was standing talking to him. I don't know what he said in the dream, but it made me laugh so hard that I actually remembering waking from the slumber. I actually also awoke Mrs. Kfred whom relayed to me that she noted I was lying on my back, arms over the top of my head, completely asleep and laughing. The feeling associated with this is absolutely incredible; I have never experienced this before.

When I finally awoke in the morning, the skies were cloudy, the guy on the radio said we were heading for a blistering high of 59, and showers were on the way. It didn't matter. I felt rested, positive, optimistic, and ready to take on the day. It was an amazing feeling. All due to the antics of one of the Misfits. I guess they actually do serve a purpose.

Jukebox: We all Pay the Cost at Some Time

Man on the Moon, Fall of the Berlin Wall, and Now this?

I had lunch with Dickie the Peap yesterday and it truly was a momentous occasion. Ok, maybe not as dramatic as the title suggests, but c'mon, anytime Dickie Boy pays, it is a cause for note. In fairness, I have to be completely honest: Dickie does buy alternately when we go to lunch. It's just that the act of getting him to voluntarily pull out the wallet without having to be reminded is the part that is so amazing.

We usually end up going to a familiar place most of the time, so much that, we are recognized by the waitstaff as, "Oh. It's you two". This is more of a commentary on the fact that they know that it is a complete crapshoot for any type of tip to be left depending on who is going to be responsible for the bill. When I pay, I am not afraid to leave a token of my appreciation and reward for good service. In the past few training lunches we have conducted to get Alligator Arms conditioned to hosting, the concept of an additional amount for the server has never been fully grasped. It seems to be a memory thing.

Regardless, the lunch was good, the beer was cold, and I will schedule another lunch meeting in the future. Of course, at that time, it will be my turn to buy. I've already been reminded. I guess the memory thing was fixed.

Is that craft fitted with the proper number of lifejackets?

Sometimes the best intentions go astray due to lack of proper planning.

This suspiciously sounds like something that one of our guys would do. If I didn't have the ability to run it from such a distance, I would recommend to the cheap-assed Board of Directors that we open a European branch as well since there is an obvious population that would guarantee our existence. I've got my hands full here, however.

Its Tough Relaying Your Message

Most non-profit organizations, like FTI, constantly struggle with the task of developing a message to educate the community concerning the work and results they achieve. The challenge is to make the message viable, concise, and memorable, so the organization is easily identified with the message at the time.


The FTI media relations team has been working for nearly a year to develop a vehicle to publicize our cause. Different methods of relaying our message have been discussed at length with no clear choice ever actually determined. It was initially decided that a simple slogan could be used that would easily identify our cause with our work. The original slogan of "FTI: Doing Good Things With Odd People" was abandoned as it invited the mistakenly repeated scrutiny of our local law enforcement's Vice Department. Another idea was to have Gummo, the Balloon Boy, wear a sandwich board type of sign reading, "Even I Am Employed; FTI-Helping All Types of People." This ideas was shot down as being in poor taste during the recent employment downturn as well as being taunting to people with lesser intelligence. Later, the idea of planting a feel good "news story" in the local newspaper was advanced. The thought was to have a story and picture featuring Dickie the Peap with 2 other of the Misfits at the nearby Taco Bell with the headline reading "Local Man Discovers Joys of Low Cost Value Menu". The story would go on to describe how the FTI team had helped Dickie realize that he could actually host an event in a social setting and not feel that the small expenditure of funds would be harmful to his overall wealth. This idea was scrubbed as Taco Bell would not allow our team into their restaurant.

Finally, discussion turned to creating a TV commercial that would show how we help our members using exclusive FTI methodology and practices. If we could show some of the innovative practices employed by FTI, the resulting boost in the self confidence of our team would be a positive change for the community. Knowing that most media relations teams are staffed with people whom think differently than the rest ( and then, to be on our team on top of that), the cheap-assed Board of Directors wisely stipulated that a trial run be undertaken so we could see where they were going before committing our few precious resources to such a venture. The result is below.

I don't think it will ever hit the airwaves.

It's Green Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's Sunday and tough enough to get this group to think during the week, let alone the weekend. We get a day off too, you know.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part. Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful to the environment) if you leave now without getting what you came for. So we'll do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read. Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow. See you then.

Yep. We've got an app for that

Part of our supposed success here at FTI is our ability to stay technologically current and aware of the various tools to transmit our message.  Despite the repeated failures, goof-ups, and outright bungling by the FTI IT department, the most reviled department here at FTI, somehow we manage.   A case in point:  my recent acquisition of a new cellular "smart" telephone. 

The cheap-assed Board of Directors recently authorized the purchase of a Droid smart phone.   With all of the "apps" available, my life can be managed, enhanced, entertained, and made easier all with this small device.  Overwhelmed by the stench at the FTI sewage lagoon and not able to think clearly in order to move elsewhere?   Simple.  Press the app for the compass and map feature and navigate yourself away.  Unsure how to tie a necktie for the upcoming FTI Doofus Induction Banquet/Yard Sale?  There is an app that gives step by step directions for tying both a Windsor or Four in Hand knot.  Or, and this is a biggie, unsure of where the nearest FAST FOOD PLACE IS LOCATED!?  Reach out to your smart phone and it can locate it for you. 

A lot of this seems silly, juvenile, and  a time waster.  I'm talking about the phone apps.  Not this site.

Jukebox: A Post Earth Day Tribute

Give me that thing. I'll show you how it's done.

At our weekly staff meeting yesterday, I was welcomed back from my few days hiatus attending to the wedding of Mr. and Mrs. Kfred Jr. 1.   The entire agenda here at the Institute seemed to go into a "sleep" mode as nothing was accomplished and all was put on hold.  With that said, I wish to make one last wedding observation and then pledge not to make the wedding  a topic of any future postings.

My basic photographic skills consist of taking the easiest to operate digital camera I can find, find someone I know, tell them to stand still, center them in the viewfinder, and snap the picture.  A professional, however, is an artist.  They see things  as a point of reference, as an accessory, as something to build around.  That's why they command and receive the fees they do to perform their work.  In viewing the advance work of the photographer who worked the recent wedding, I am amazed at how they can take people and scenes and transform them into works of art.    I would love to share some of his work at this time, but obviously, the guy hasn't received his full fee, so I guess you will have to take my word for it.  The guy is good. 

In the meantime I offer 2 examples of my skills.  One is an action shot captured at  the wedding reception and the other an example of my wildlife viewing skills consisting of  the mole I trapped in the backyard.     Do you think I can land a gig?

Sometimes, You just got to go with the Flow

Well, it's all over. The happy couple will be on their way to Cabo by the time this appears, and all in all, things went very smoothly. I didn't mention in last weeks post, that a major glitch almost destroyed  the grand event.  You see, the hotel where the wedding and reception were scheduled to occur, double booked the rooftop space for the same time on the same day. 

Though the kids had signed the contract for the room in advance of the other party, the date of the actual event on the contract  was wrong by 3 days.  Wednesday!  Who gets married on Wednesday?  Subsequently, the later contract signed by the other party had the correct date, and legally, would be the one recognized if things escalated to  a legal dispute.  (The FTI Legal Dept. pored over this document for hours attempting to find any type of contractual error allowing our side to enforce the original date, but had little success.  Attempting to argue before a judge that the contract was written by the hotel staff on lined paper, had numerous meaningless doodles, and that  a jello wrestling pit would not be provided as requested by an anonymous phone call, were not  felt to be actionable offenses that damages could be won over.)   Ultimately, it was decided that a plan B was needed to be devised and  instituted quickly as the photographer, flowers, invitations, deejay, etc had all been ordered and scheduled.  Fortunately, Friday night was available and decided to be used as the day of choice.  The hotel admitted this incident was all their fault and made numerous concessions on fees and accommodations to make it right for all involved.    In the end, the bride was beautiful, the dinner tasty, the reception rollicking, and the evening  perfect.  And yes,  Goldilocks decided to give up her maiden name and  to take her new husband's name.

 Ladies and gentlemen,  I present Mr. and Mrs. Kfred Jr.1.

It's "Post Wedding" Sunday

Hey c'mon, it's post-wedding Sunday. It's 2 days past, we're still cleaning up, and it's gonna take a while.

We're glad you're here, though. We have endorsed a new "green" policy here at FTI and want to do our part.  Since you've already spent the energy to get here, it would be wasteful (not to mention how harmful  to the environment)  if you leave now without getting what you came for.  So we'll  do our part: it's not new, it's just gently read.   Take a look here and see if you missed anything from the past.

The weekly struggle begins again tomorrow.  See you then.

Jukebox: What wedding reception doesn't play this?

Simply some odd wedding rituals and beliefs

These are all actual traditions, I did not make these up.  (traditionscustoms.com)   I would have suspected some of these actual practices were developed by our team...........

In Greece it is a tradition to write names of all single women at the wedding party on the sole of bride's shoe. After the party, the shoe is checked. Women whose names have been worn off will be married soon.


Rather strange tradition exists at Russian wedding receptions. Those who would like to get married soon should secretly pull the tablecloth. It is also a bad sign if the heel on the  bride's shoes gets broken.


After the wedding ceremony in Australia, guests put satin horseshoes on ribbons to the bride's wrist for good luck.


The date of the wedding of the Daur people whom live in China  is settled in a rather interesting way. The young man and his bride to be hold a knife together to kill a chick. Then they analyze its liver. If it is of suitable appearance the date of wedding is decided. If not, the happy couple kills yet another chick.


The grooms at Irish weddings has to be very careful when dancing with their brides. His feet have to stay on the floor all the time. Why? If he moves even only one foot off the floor the fairies will steal the bride.


At the wedding in Yemen, the father of the groom takes a handful of raisins and throws them onto the carpet. People gathered there try to pick up as many raisins as possible. Why? Raisins are believed to be symbols of the bright future for the bride and groom.

Actually, these all seem to symbolize something.  Our team isn't bright enough to develop anything with this type of substance.

With our Best Wishes

Hurtling rapidly toward the Big Day of Wedding Week, a number of gifts have been arriving for the soon to be betrothed.  Wedding  gifts are a token of affection and symbol of best wishes, happiness, and future success  for a new bride and groom. 

Rather than the traditional types of material gifts, the Misfits thought it might be unique to offer some personalized, from-the-heart, offerings and life lessons that would be of benefit to a young couple. These concepts would actually be real-life methods and secrets to a long lasting marriage that they could each relay.  I have to admit, initially I was quite proud of my little band of stooges and it brought a small tear to my eye.  Knowing however,  that potential disaster is possible and lurking just below the surface on any concept developed by these losers, I  asked that each gift giver  reveal their plans to me  in  advance in order to judge the sensibilities of each of their ideas.  It was then,  after the details were revealed, that I began to realize that the tear in my eye was, in fact,  due to the nauseous feelings I was beginning to experience.

Among the offerings:

From Dickey the Peap: "Dick(ey)ering Your Way to Financial Health" Dickey thought it would be appropriate to teach the young couple how to avoid paying full retail via any method possible including  wearing a shirt until you develop a hole in it and then return it claiming it to be the wrong size; browbeating a clerk into submission over retail pricing at any establishment and  then waiting until they lower it just to get rid of you; and  his self developed classic, suggesting to dine out with friends, then once the menus have been cleared away, gently remind them  that you believe you bought last time and it is now  their turn to buy.

Marv the Neighbor offered: "3 Tasty, Deep Fried, Meals Guaranteed Your New Husband Will Enjoy".  Does this need to be explained any further?

The Green Comic wished to relay the concept of humor and laughter by gift wrapping a copy of  his well-worn,  dog-eared,  edition of "Everyone Else's Best Jokes".  That way, when  the inevitable disagreement between man and wife comes up, they could take a timeout, search the index for the topic at hand, and read one or two 35 year old jokes relaying to the matter to lessen the tension of the situation.  I told him to rather send a blender.    

The intent is definitely there; for that credit is due and given.  It's just that that the result is a bit off the mark.  Kind of like our population. 

The beginning of a Joyful week

Today marks the official beginning of Wedding Week for Kfred Jr.1 and Goldilocks.  I have requested  the cheap-assed Board of Directors to authorize a temporary leave of absence and will only be spending limited time here at FTI as I will be doubling as shuttle driver, chief go-fer, and auxiliary banker for various events during the coming week. 

As this is scheduled to be a small wedding, a limited number of guests were invited.   Kfred Jr. 1 is highly familiar with the Misfits and  struggled  in deciding which ones to invite. Among the various factors in reaching his decision were the needs  of  convenience of travel, ability to comprehend what was actually occurring at the moment,  and the overall safety of the normal guests.   In the end, the only 2 Misfits scheduled to attend are Marv the Neighbor and Freako Deako.  He has known both Gummo, the Balloon Boy and  the Rat Bastard G since being a small boy, but felt the  rice throwing tradition after the ceremony could indeed re-trigger some painful flashback memories.    Both were one time busboys during a Greek wedding and the father of the bride, highly agitated with their habit of pelting the goat in attendance with wedding rice, threatened to render both of them  inoperable "as men" should it continue.  (I'll leave it to you to determine the actual threat.) 

Dickey the Peap will not be attending as he is actually conducting an alternative event this same day to celebrate the medical discovery of a surgery to correct short arm syndrome.  Correspondingly, he has invited numerous guests to a restaurant, requested that all order ala carte items for his consumption from the menu, and then sit back and relish the experience one last time before realizing he will no longer have a medical excuse not to reach for the check.     Brother Eddie is scheduled to attend in spite of his various exaggerated, physical ailments, as well.  We will have a fully staffed maintenance contingent available should there be any problems. 

All in all, I am excited.   It should be a fun week.  I sincerely hope it doesn't go the way of most events with which we are associated.